Thursday, August 29, 2013

Starting a new life and a new blog

Dave and I have made the decision not to continue fertility treatments.  We are both so sad about not being parents, but neither of us can go through another round of IVF.  We are both emotionally and financially spent from it and I am completely physically spent as well.  We don't have it in us anymore.

If by some miracle we conceive naturally with a good embryo then we will be so happy.  The chances of that are unlikely.

So that's it.  It's time to move on.  I can't believe it has ended this way.  I never once doubted that we would have children, but the journey has ended and then is no giggling and crying baby for us to hold and love.

I want to thank everyone for being there in blogger land for us.  Thank you for your support and encouragement and words of wisdom.  I am so grateful to have had you holding my hand along the way.

I've started a new blog. It's called Beyond The Dream of Motherhood.  I would love it if you continued to visit me there and share in my journey beyond infertility.

Love and Light and best wishes,

Wednesday, August 28, 2013


It's confirmed.  There is no pregnancy.  It's over.  The end.

Dave and I will have to talk about where we go from here.  Is it another round (which I just don't think I have in me) or is it accepting that we are involuntarily childless and moving on from infertility?

I was disappointed today to find, for the first time in all my internet wanderings, sites devoted to the involuntarily childless.  To come across these sites today of all days. It's heartbreaking.

However they have helped me to consider the possibility that that may be my new life.  That I may have to make that adjustment and find new dreams.  I've started bookmarking them in my reader.

If that is the case, it will be time to say goodbye to this blog and start afresh.  New blog, new blogger name, new blogger links.  My decision on continuing IVF is probably 50/50.  Desire versus ability to do be able to do it again is a tricky path to walk.

The end of the 2WW

I've been struggling with this 2WW.  Its been the longest one ever.  The other day I realised why.  I am well.  I am healthy.  With all the other 2WW, I have been dealing with one thing or other - the complications from a harvest, reactions to the hormones, etc etc.  This time, however, I haven't had to deal with any of that.  It was a straight frozen transfer - no surgery, no hormones (except Crinone after the transfer).  There has been nothing else to occupy my mind!

So this morning I gave in two days early and did a home pregnancy test.  It was negative.  I called the clinic and organised to have my blood test today to confirm.  But I feel it is just a formality.  The home test would have been accurate at this stage of the game.

I am heartbroken.  Again.  Nemo hasn't stayed with us.

We are left with a major decision.  Can I go through another round or do we close the door?  I just don't think I can do it again.  But for us not to have children, to let go of the dream of our own family?  I don't know about that either.

I really felt like it was going to work this time.  I was so confident.  Nemo was the one.  Now I'm left numb again.  I've shut down.  I know I will come out of it again.  I did before.  For now though, it's hard.

I have the day at home today and the time to be able to grieve once more.  I am grateful for that.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Nemo's come home!

Yesterday was transfer day and everything went well!

My feelings of non-chalance went through a few different phases as they day drew closer.  But nothing really stuck.  Some nerves set in at one point.  There were feelings of anticipation.  But even on the day, I just went about my day as normal.  Although the comment from one of my students was interesting...

The transfer wasn't till midday, so I popped into school to do a few catch up lessons.  My first student said "You are in a good mood today!" and she only saw me the day before.  She was right, I was feeling really good.  Whether it was the fantastic swim I had after school the day before or the fact that Nemo was coming home, who knows.

The thought "Nemo is coming home today!" popped into my head as I was driving to school.  Something shifted in me then.  Maybe that was what changed my mood as well!!
When I told Dave, he said that one of his customers referenced "Finding Nemo" in a phone call the day before.  Freaky!

So, we arrived at the hospital and went into the room with the embryologist and our OB.  All I wanted to know was "Did Nemo thaw?"  There was a 10% chance that our embryo wouldn't make it through the thawing process.  I was so expecting that to be the case.  Just our luck, you know?!  Beat the odds again.  But not only did it thaw, it was flourishing.  Both women were really happy with how it was plumping up and progressing.  "Oh thank goodness!"

"Would you like to see it?", they asked.  "Yes Please!", we said.  And there it was - our beautiful embryo on the screen.  I felt such a rush of excitement and love - for a second - and then my defenses kicked in and I found myself pushing down that excitement in fear of what might happen.  Then that emotion shifted again, to one of going through the motions of the procedure with complete acceptance of the situation.  I think it is a good place to be.


When we walked out of the hospital doors, everything shifted again!  I had gone from not wanting to be pregnant again, to suddenly having our live and healthy Nemo inside me.  I felt like precious cargo and I SO SO SO SO SO want to pregnant again.  All of a sudden, I'm not frightened of it anymore.  All of a sudden, I'm excited.

Now, just one day later, I am talking to Nemo already.  I'm trying to listen to what it needs - or more precisely I suppose - what my body needs for Nemo to flourish.  I just like to think of it as Nemo talking back to me.

Now, it wouldn't have even implanted yet, but as far as I am concerned, I have a little life form living inside of me.  I'm not holding my breath, I'm still feeling very relaxed with no expectations of achieving pregnancy or going full term.  But there is a part of me that feels that this is different, that this one is going to work.  That this is a happy and 'excited for life' embryo.

So, my job now is to live my life happy and peaceful.  To go about my days, content in my activites, feeling a sense of accomplishment in my tasks and to also be careful about what I do and how much I do.   To be happy being less active and enjoying a 'holiday' from the busyness of life and the hard work of the heavy physical jobs that I love doing.  I will be content swimming more casually and no longer doing fast sprints and hard laps.  I will be content walking on the flat surfaces and not traipsing up and down all the hills!

I've been calling this round, IVF round 5.  But really, it is just finishing round 2.  Nemo is from my round 2 collection.  I had the polyp removed and wasn't able to do the transfer and Nemo, our one and only embryo from that round, was frozen.  The positive thing here, is that Nemo is younger than our last embryo and may be less damaged.  It was conceived a year ago!  Fingers crossed that works in our favour!

Love and Light

Friday, August 16, 2013

Frozen embryo transfer

Hi all!

It's been a month since I posted.  Where has the time gone?!  Last week I joined Dave on a work trip.  I had a great time while he was at work!  We stayed at a B&B that was on 400 acres of farmland.  It was perfect for me.  It was a little weird that was the B&B was actually the top story of their home and you are actually sharing their home with them.  But it was great for me. 

I had some company while Dave was gone long hours at work.  I explored the property, joined the husband on his rounds of the animals, learnt a lot about cattle farming and horse harness racing.  Wangaratta had an indoor swimming pool, so I was able to keep up my swimming. 

I had a car to drive around in because Dave's employee met us there, so I used his car.  I did a lot of touristy things, shopping and exploring places to eat for lunch.  Did a lot of walks around the place and generally really enjoyed myself.  I LOVED Wangaratta.  Such a great feel to the place and lots of things to do and see.  And the shopping in the city centre was superb.  No main shopping complex, just lots of little shops in the main streets. Lots of places that I loved. Fantastic!

It was a good week for me.  Much needed I think.

We have our frozen embryo transfer on Tuesday.  I've been going through the motions of the things to do to prepare for it, blood tests, timetabling, getting all the big physical jobs done in the house so I don't itch to do them when I need to be laying down and holding onto the embryo, etc etc.  But I don't think I have any reality of it.  I mean, I know its happening obviously, but it just seems like an event on the calender.

I thought I might be like this.  Just going through the motions of it all.  Then I remembered today that we have already named this embryo - Nemo.  That brought a bit of reality to me.  This one has a name.  And then I thought of writing in my blog.  That brings a bit more reality again.

And that brings - fear, nervousness, worry... I don't want to be pregnant again.  It would be an understatement to say that none of my experiences have been good ones.  But I do want to be a Mum and I do want to go through this process in order to get there.

I can't believe we are doing it again.  We keep getting told we are courageous to try again so soon after the last time.  But we are also being very supported by the fertility clinic. 

Our OB believes that I am very fertile, especially for my age.  That made me laugh.  You're kidding right???!!!  No, shes not kidding.  It's just that we needed to sort things out and find the right formula - polyp removal so that I can get implantation and the right balance in my blood so that I can hold a pregnancy, and of course, we need to find the right embryo.  That one little embryo that is still okay, that is not damaged by age or by genetics.  It makes me wonder that if Nemo doesn't work, would it be worth trying a full round again???  Think about that later...

She is so positive - our OB.  I so wish we had found her much earlier in our infertilty journey.  If she had gotten to me when I was 40, instead of 43, it might have made a huge difference.  But nevermind.  I am a believer in the universal plan, even if I have absolutely no idea what it is!

Someone said to me the other day - "Think about the future, but live in the present".  Words that we hear in different forms a lot.  But it struck home.  I am living more in the present, because I'm really starting to like my present.  Yes, in the future, I will need to sort out my work and financial situation, but right now, I'm loving the way my life is going.  I think about what I want to do for work and have put out a couple of feelers, but I don't have to worry about it right now.

Right now, I'm trying to heal from everything in my life.  Trying to find the new me and create a new life.  One free from the restrictions that have held me back from happiness and peacefulness and joy.  One that I am proud of and makes me feel like a worthwhile human being.  I think I'm a little bit further along in that journey, maybe, just maybe...

Oh and there's that little thing of our embryo transfer on Tuesday.  Wish us luck!

Love and Light

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Being cared for

I've had a pretty amazing few days this week and have such a strong sense of being looked after.  Dave went away on Friday and I knew I was going to have trouble with my anxiety without him.  But due to some incredible friends and my mother, it has been managed and cared for so well.

Saturday night my Mum stayed over with me.

Sunday and Monday night, one of my dear friends "S" stayed with me.  She did this out of the kindest of her heart to help me through this difficult time.  She is an amazing woman!  And it was great for her as well to get some time away, take a break from her normal routine, and be able to do whatever she wanted in peace and quiet!!  Spending time together was fantastic!

And Tuesday night another dear friend "C" stayed with me.  With this friend, I did a deal.  She needed help with her bookwork and receipts, wanting help sorting out the last two financial years as well as setting up some software for the upcoming financial year and to establish new, organsied habits for her accounting.  So I offered a trade.  She came up with all her paperwork and stayed the night.  I was able to help her get on top of things, choose and set up new accounting software, and she was able to give me the company I need so much right now.  A great deal!  And we had a wonderful time!  As it turns out, she also came swimming with me.  She was going to miss her swim session this week and when I said that I just needed to do my swim first before she came, she jumped at the opportunity.  I waited for her and we swam together.  Perfect!!

And Dave, my wonderful husband, did it again.  On Thursday night, I came home to him cooking up a storm.  He was once again making me a huge big lasagne to last me through several meals without him.  God, I love that man!

On Friday night, another friend is coming over the evening.  She isn't staying the night but it will be so good to spend the evening with her.  She is also my naturopath and gave me this super duper incredible mix to help with my anxiety.  Within half an over of taking it, the chest pains have faded and things are manageable again.

I hope it works tonight.  Tonight I am on my own.  I can already feel my anxiety increasing.  I know I can ask Mum to stay, but I would really like to be able to do it myself.  "C" is also a naturopath and gave me a bit of advice on my mix.  I can take a bit more in one day as long as I take less the next day.  I can even spread this out over a few days and reduce for the rest of the week.  So maybe I will need just a bit more till Friday and then stop when Dave returns on Saturday.

So a blessing of a week that I am so grateful for.  I am still very concerned about my anxiety and I'm still not feeling settled within my "new self".  I still need more time.  And thank goodness, I have it.  I do have a lot of committments over the next two weeks and would prefer to have several days in a row of time at home, but little by little I will find myself.

Love and Light

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

At the pool

I'm still loving the pool and have settled into a routine of going every second day.  My fitness and muscle strength are steadily increasing, my lap count and length of continuous laps also steadily increasing.

Today I felt able to push it a little further.  It was tough going at the start, but by halfway through something different happened.  I found myself completely zoning out.  I think I went into a meditative state, just swimming stroke after stroke.  It was really good. 

I finished doing more laps than ever before and would have been quite happy to continue.  However, I am still finding that I am so tired afterwards that I knew it would be foolish to do even more at this stage.  And yes, a few hours later, I am tired.  I was almost asleep on the couch when the phone rang.  Good thing too.  I have work to do today.

I am so over being tired all the time and I absolute refuse to give up on this journey of increasing my fitness.  I want to be the person who can just go and go all day, a busy buzzy bee, with motivation and stamina!  Fortunately I can afford to be exhausted after a swim now that I am on school holidays.  The bookwork is done from home on my own time and I can still do it when I'm physically tired.  I wonder how long it will take before I can go for a swim and not feel so weary afterwards?

It's been over four weeks now since I started at to the pool and this week I have added walking on the alternate days.  I know that including the walking will tire me out even more, but eventually, surely (!) I will move past it into greater energy.  And I'm also continuing to choose to do more active jobs around the house and not putting them off till later.  I have a ways to go with that particular goal but I'm getting there with much better motivation than I have had for the last few months.

A friend of mine joined me for a swim a couple of weeks ago.  She is also trying to increase her fitness and is joining me for walks as well.  We are going to work up to doing some more strenuous bushwalking again.  I can't wait!!  It's wonderful to have days of exercising on my own as well as days sharing the activity.  I am feeling blessed!

I am grateful to be in the place at the moment.  It's been so long since I have been able to do anything else but deal with fertility and pregnancy.  I am taking advantage of this brief hiatus.  Hopefully it will increase my ability to deal with another pregnancy should that happen.  And also then help me better be able to cope with caring for a little one.

We see our fertility OB again in two weeks to discuss transferring Nemo in my next cycle.  The kinesioligist has said my body is ready as long as I stay centered and relaxed.  So that is my goal.  Increasing fitness and beginning a meditation practice again.  And after today, I can feel that the swimming is also a form of mediation!  Gotta love that!!

Love and Light

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

How my life is changing

I've said right from when it happened, that this has been a life changing experience for me.  At first I could simply feel it in myself.  I felt different.  This sounds silly to say at 44, but I've felt like I've grown up.  There is a wisdom and a life experience in me that wasn't there before.  There is a new knowledge about life and an emotional depth that I feel reflected in my eyes.  And as much as I'm distraught about how this happened and wish I could take it all back and still have my little girl growing within me, I like the change.

Now I am seeing the change in my daily life, in my actions, in the choices that I am making, and in the things that I am doing.  My world is changing.  What I want in it, who I want in it, and what I want to be doing with it.

For several years now, I have wished to be more like my mother in certain aspects.  My Mum is a get go woman.  She doesn't stop.  Always busy, always helping, always active.  And I have wanted to be more like that.  Now, I am starting to be.  I like it.  And Dave likes it!

Now, why does Dave like it?  Because I have started baking!  All of a sudden, I have this need to cook.  Now, just to remind you, I hate cooking.  Loathe it.  Dave cooks most of our dinners.  But every now and then I have gotten the urge to bake a cake or muffins with a packet mix.  Now I am baking from scratch.  Any day that I can.  If I'm not actually doing it, I am planning what I want to do next.  And loving it!  Now thats more like my mother.  And Dave is my taste tester.  And he loves this new me!

I'm also succeeding with my goal to be more active around the house.  Television viewing is diminishing.  And busy-ness is increasing.  And I am so happy for it.  The downside...  Remember all my clutter clearing?  Well I was just starting to feel on top of the house in that regard.  Now, there is a whole new level going on!  And the house feels crazy again.  There is a new level of activity in the kitchen that needs organising - with rearranging cupboards, and organise recipe folders to allow for the new baking me.  And there is just more happening everywhere that needs clarifying and organising and finding the right why of doing things. 

So my clutter cleared organised head has found a new deeper level of existence that needs sorting out.  It's a wonderful metaphor and is so clearly a reflection of the deeper level of me that is emerging.  My therapist describes it as peeling away the layers of the onion and discovering and making sense of the real me.

It's a good thing and I so happy for it. 

But at the moment it is clouded in a high level of anxiety.  Anxiety and being even just a little bit unorganised, don't work together for me.

Dave leaves on a work trip on Friday for over a week.  I am not coping without him at the moment.  The moment he leaves my anxiety level rockets.  My kineisologist saw it in my body in my last session.  That at the moment, my need for nuturing is high.  That I need supportive friends and family around me.  And I'm just not coping without him.

I had resolved the problem.  I was spending a few nights in the country with one of my bridesmaids.  I used to do it regularly before I met Dave.  It was the perfect solution.  However, Kiara the cat, needed surgery yesterday.  She is fine and recovering well but I can't leave her.  Raphael is hissing at her and the two of them need to be managed.  I can't leave them alone and there is noone else to look after them.

So, I'm scared about Friday and next week.  I don't know how I will be.  The anxiety I feel over the cats is simply adding to it.  Even before he has gone, I'm not coping.

I will ask Mum to come over.  She may even spend a couple of nights.  That will help.  And I will focus on the wonderful changes that are going on in my life.  I will continue to chip at the organisation jobs that I have.  I will continue to bake. 

I am grateful that with the way I am feeling I haven't turned to my usual coping behaviours.  I am still leading my new life, albeit somewhat subdued and shut in.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

DNA test results

Good morning everyone.  I hope you are all doing well and flourishing in this crazy world we live in!

Dave and I went for our follow up appointment with the OB on Monday.  It's been 6 weeks since we lost our baby.  It's hard to believe it has been so long.  In some ways, it still feels like last week.  In others, I can feel the healing that has been going on and we are doing so much better.

The DNA tests results showed that we had a little girl.  I'm so glad to know that.  I can't describe how I felt to find out, or how I feel now, but there is something about knowing the sex of our child that is wonderful.  It is heartwarming.

But there was a serious genetic problem.  She had Edwards Syndrome Trisomy 18.  There was only a 1 in 2000 chance of us conceiving a child with this disorder.  There is so much to say about how I feel about that, but first, what is Edwards Syndrome?

It is similiar to Downs Syndrome in that there is an extra chromosone.  Downs Syndrome has an extra chromosome 21, Edwards Syndrome has an extra chromosone 18.  It is much more serious than Downs with most children dying in utero in the second or third trimester.  Some make it to full term, either being still born or living for only a week at the most.  There are exceptions as always, with a rare few children living till they are older, although with severe handicaps.  It is rare for any child to live past the age of 5.

How do I feel about beating the odds again, but this time in such a tragic way?  Distraught.  At first it was such a relief.  We know what happened.  It wasn't our fault.  It wasn't my age or the quality of my eggs or anything that we did.  It was tragic bad luck.  But why, why, why?  Our slim shot at parenthood ended like this.  Why, why, why?  Why were we that one in the 2000?

We also learnt that it is more common as you get older.  The odds for a younger woman are 1 in 6000.  And that is because as we got older, our bodies lose the ability to know when there is a genetic problem.  A 25 year old woman wouldn't have gotten to the second trimester with a Trisomy 18 baby, because her body would have known and rejected the embryo straight away.  She would have just had a late period.

But the fact is, we had prepared for a Downs child.  We had already made the decision not to have an amnio.  If our child was Downs, it didn't matter.  We didn't care.  It was our child to love and care for and treasure.  But I had never heard of Edwards Syndrome.  It was never mentioned by any doctor (unlike the Downs possibility) because the chances of it were so unlikely.

Yet here we are.  Learning this news has set me back a ways in my healing.  I am so upset by it.  I feel so much for our little girl.  I still love her so much.  And I wish she was here with us, with just the right amount of chromosones to help her live a full and rich life.  But she will always live on in my heart and I now need to deal with the knowledge of her diagnosis.

So where to from here?  Today, I am making an appointment with our fertiltiy OB to begin the process of transferring our frozen embryo.  One good thing from this news, is that I have a little bit of hope back.  I hope that we have already done the "1 in however many" chance of genetic problems.  I have hope that now we will now be the 1999 in 2000 chance of having a healthy child. The problem is that we also beat the odds in getting pregnant in the first place.  I don't have a lot of hope that we can do it again.

Our frozen embryo is called "Nemo".  Dave gave it that name when it first went to be frozen.  It has a nickname already.  That's gotta be a good thing.

Love and Light

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Searching for what helps

I've started to write a post several times and have ended up deleting it all.  It's just so hard to write about what has being going on for me for the last four weeks.  And in the end, it all just sounds so depressing and not something I can imagine anyone else wanting to read.

But, time is marching on, I'm allowing my emotions to run the course that they need to, and while I am still struggling with so many things, I am now at a point of trying to find my way through them, of trying to recover.  As well as sharing my journey in cyber space, this blog has always been a way for me to document our fertility journey.  While I couldn't post about the last few weeks when I was in it, I can now document what I've been dealing with by describing how I am trying to get beyond it.  A positive, forward thinking conversation rather than one of being in the depths of the emotions.

The loss of motherhood

This has been one of the hardest things that is happening.   I've felt such despair and heartache and an incredible sense of loss and nothingness.  So, I've had to begin to look at the rest of my life.  What I am going to do with it now?  For years, it has always been about working towards spending it caring for our children.  Now it has to be something different.  And it has to be something good or I'm going to go completely insane.

So, Dave and I crunched the figures and made the decision that we will live frugally so I can take the rest of the year off from teaching.  As it is turning out, for several reasons I can't bring myself to leave one of my schools, so I will still have a day a week of teaching, plus the day a week still working for my brother on his bookwork.

I need to time to find myself, to recover spiritually, physically and emotionally.  And I have to find something that I am passionate about.  I believe that will be a change of career and direction.  I've been teaching now for 25 years.  And I was probably over it 5 years ago!  But it was always going to be a really good option to fit in with motherhood.  Now, I have to time to search and meditate on what my life will be in the future. 

It brings sadness to my heart to know what has brought me to this place in my life, but I am grateful to have such a wonderful husband to support me through these changes and to allow me the time to find myself.

The loss of hope and the fear of pregnancy

Somewhere in the back of all of this is the knowledge that we have another shot.  We have a frozen embryo to implant.  But I have completely lost any sense of hope or positivity that we will ever be successful. Thus, all of the above stuff.  And I have such an overwhelming fear of being pregnant and going through it all again.

All my life, no matter what the circumstances, I have always had hope and positivity that things will work out.  To lose that core part of me is... gosh I can't think of a word for it.  I am completely lost.  I am flattened by not having these feelings of hope to ground me and keep me positive - to keep me moving forward.

The only thing I've been able to do is to just wait.  Wait and see how these feelings developed, to see where the journey of healing leads me.

Combine that with the absolute fear of pregnancy that I now have.  I am terrified of trying again.  I don't want to.  How can I possibly go through it again.  I had such a hard time of it in the 12 weeks that I was pregnant that I just don't believe my old 40 something body capable of it.

Once again, I am allowing myself the time to accept these feelings for what they are right now.  Allow them to be, try not to supress them as is my usual form, and let them heal and evolve.

More solutions

So, I'm working through it.  I know I'm in survival mode.  My old patterns of survival have surfaced and I know that I'm squashing down a lot of emotions.  But in the end, I will work through all of this new stuff as well as all of my old stuff.

One really important way of doing that has been through clutter clearing.  I have gone through my house like there is no tomorrow.  I have thrown out a full rubbish bin worth of stuff.  Stuff that I don't use, stuff that has no meaning to me anymore, stuff that is now too old.  My home is becoming less cumbersome, more organised, more clear.

And I've had this strange feeling of being more a part of my home, living more fully in it, and in turn, living more fully in myself.  It's a new feeling and not really solid yet, but something is definitely going on there.

I've also gotten back to swimming.  After having a weeks trial at my local pool, I've joined for a 6 month membership.  Getting in the water is so therapeutic.  I just love it.  And after I've swam my laps, I just revel in it, floating and going under the water.  The exercise is doing wonders for me - there is just something about what swimming does for the body.  And the water is doing wonders for my soul.

So, I might be a mess, but I'm working through it.  I'm seeing my therapist as well as my kinesiologist and they are both helping in their usual freaky combined way.  After today's session with the kinesiologist, I feel like maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to swim and not sink (no pun intended, but how appropriate!). 

Part of me feels like it's a betrayal to our child to be getting better, but I know I can't think that way.  I will always remember and I know that our child would want me to be well and remember with love, not despair.   So, as I stay positive with this blog, searching for the good and the helpful things that are in my life, I will continue to move forward.

Love and Light

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Our weekend escape

Im writing this post on my tablet from a b and b in the country. It is a pain to type but hear I go anyway. Dave is having a nap and I am sipping red wine. It has been good to get away.

This morning we walked along the beach and then took a picnic lunch to a lovely waterfall in the forest. And that was after a soothing dip in the spa after bacon and eggs for breakfast. Just lovely.

Ive stopped crying. Now my emotions are just confused. I am looking forward to seeing the shrink on monday and starting to get some help with it all.

Ive said my goodbyes and let go of the little soul that was with us for a short time. I miss him/her. My child. I hope one day it can return.

There are so many things to say about how ive been feeling but it is too hard to type on the tablet.

I need to see all my family at once tomorrow at my great nephews first birthday party. That is going to be hard. But I want to go. Its an important day for my niece.

Thank you for the lovely supportive comments. They meant a lot.

Love and light

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

It's over.

On Monday, I went with my Mum to my 12 week scan.  It showed that our baby had died about a week ago.  I keep seeing our lifeless baby on the screen and the look on the doctors face as he prepared to tell me.  I could see the heart on the screen with no movement.  I could see the shape of our baby, his arms and legs, his head.  Just all still.  Those images will haunt me forever.

I also keep remembering what our previous scan was like.  Seeing the heartbeat, watching our child kick his legs and wave his arms.  We were so ecstatic. 

But now it's over.  And we are devastated.  I had to call Dave and tell him over the phone.  He is devastated he wasn't there with me.  We didn't expect it.  Everything was going so well.  It was a routine scan. 

I asked Mum to come with me when Dave's work prevented him from going.  She was so excited.  She had never seen a baby ultrasound before.  They weren't around when I was born.  I am so glad she was able to come with me and I wasn't alone.

I had a d and c at the hospital yesterday.  Physically I am recovering well.  Emotionally - well, that's another story.  After going home on Monday and starting to grieve, we decided to book in the d and c for the next day.  The doctor said I could wait for our child to miscarry naturally but it may take a week or two before my body realised I wasn't pregnant.  And even then, there was a 50% chance that I may still have needed a d and c.  I couldn't wait for so many reasons.  One, I couldn't go through the miscarriage on my own.  It would be just too awful.  Two, the thought of my child being dead inside me was just too traumatic to bear.  Even after just a few hours it was messing with me.

I am distraught that it is over.  I feel empty.  I am heartbroken.

I am seeing my naturopath today to get what I need to deal with this both physically and emotionally.  And I am seeing my shrink on Monday.  I am searching for ways to honor our child and looking around at support groups.  We are thinking that the best thing for us to do to honor him/her would be planting a tree.  Maybe a fruit tree in our backyard.

Our first baby scan photos from the fertility clinic arrived in the mail today - 4 weeks late.  What awful timing.  I don't know what to do with them.  Maybe one day I will be able to look at them.  Not now.

Dave is working from home today.  He doesn't want to be away from me at the moment and I don't want to be alone.  We need each other.

Thank you everyone for all your support throughout our journey.  The journey isn't over yet, but it is for the next few months while we both recover emotionally and while my body recovers.  The last seven months have been gruelling and to have it end like this...  well there aren't really any words.  We need time.

We have decided to go away this weekend.  We have booked a little heritage bed and breakfast about an hour's drive away in the country.  It is by the beach.  I am looking forward to the quiet and the fresh sea air to begin to heal our grief.  It will take time, but this weekend away will be a good start.

Love and Light

Monday, May 13, 2013

Mothers Day

My wonderful husband surprised me in the morning with my first ever Mothers Day card and a gift voucher to buy maternity clothes when I need to.  My first ever Mother's Day!  Does it count if you haven't given birth yet??  I've decided it does!!

It was such a lovely surprise and put a huge smile on my miserable face!  Yes, my face has been pretty miserable for the last couple of weeks.  My hemorrhoids/fissure have been excruciating and are taking so long to heal.  The last couple of days though have been better thank goodness.  I only have one more day that I can use the cream so I hope it will be alright this week.

I've put together a list of foods and natural therapies that will continue to help me.  I know that I started this only using natural treatments and it didn't work, but I'm hoping that now I am recovering, I can use them to maintain and use a better choice of foods to keep my constipation under control.

I am also really struggling with tiredness due to both the hemorrhoids as well as the pregnancy in general.  And of course, I haven't been able to exercise - it has been difficult to even walk - and I know that exercise helps with the constipation as well as energy levels.  I just have no energy to do anything.  I sleep for a couple of hours during the day as well as getting a full nights sleep and am happiest if I am just laying down and reading.

I hate the feeling of no motivation and no energy or ability to do the simplest of tasks.  It's not all the time but the majority of the time and is causing me a a lot of guilt and concern.  I know I need to be active, I just can't seem to manage it at the moment.

So somehow, I have to let go of the guilt and just let this moment in the pregnancy take its course.  David is so understanding and wants me just to rest and heal and not worry about anything.  He is driving me to my rehearsal tonight because he knows that my bottom will be screaming after driving for an hour and rehearsing sitting down for two hours.  He says "how on earth are you going to manage to drive home for another hour".  So, he is driving me in, he will have dinner in town and then hang out for a while till the end of my rehearsal.  Thank you honey.  I didn't even think of asking him.

What he doesn't realise as well though, is how much it is helping me with my energy.  Just the thought of going to rehearsal tonight was draining me.  But having him take me and support me, lifts such a burden off my shoulders.  I will be okay.  I love him so much.

I'm doing it tough.  The whole journey has been tough.  And I feel like I'm constantly at the edge of breaking point.  But throughout it all is the wonderful miracle that I am pregnant.  And when I let go of the worry and doubt of that and trust that things are going well, then it makes everything worthwhile.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Scan update

We're back from our scan and all is looking good!  Thank goodness.  The baby is measuring a little small - the dating being about 6 days out.  But the OB is not worried and bubby has continued to grow since Monday's scan. 

It is all just amazing, but the MOST amazing thing was we were watching the incredible heartbeat - all 4 chambers clearly visible - and all of a sudden bubby starts kicking his/her legs and waving his/her arms, moving around so much!!!  It was incredible.  Dave and I both let out an "OH my god!!!!" and started laughing!

I don't think I've ever seen anything so wonderful!  And being able to see so much activity from our child was so reassuring.  Bubby is alive and active!

Now I have the headspace and heartspace to find my 'Trust' again. It's been so hard the last few days.  OB Chris has booked me in Monday week for another informal scan purely for my reassurance.  He is just fantastic!

When we left our appointment on Monday, I heard him ask the receptionist if Louise was in and I wondered if that was our fertility OB.  Was he going to consult with her??  And today, when he offered the extra scan, he said "after all you've been through, I'm happy to give you the reassurance".  I'm wondering if he has spoken to her about us and she filled him in on some of the hardships we have faced.

On the way home, Dave also told me that when I went to toilet on Monday during the appointment, he spoke to Chris alone and said that I do have anxiety problems and he wanted to make sure I was monitored consistently so I wasn't worrying.  Possibly part of the reason he offered the extra scan.  I love my husband!!  He is taking care of me so amazingly well.  And so will OB Chris.  Just one of the nicest, sincere men.  I am grateful.

Love and Light

10 weeks

We met with our new OB on Monday.  He is wonderful and we are so happy with him.  It doesn't matter that it takes us an hour to get there!  I am just so relieved to be in good care by a lovely guy who specializes in high risk pregnancies.  Very reassuring.

We had another scan which showed a wonderful heartbeat.  All things were good - except for the size of our baby.  The baby measured small which is not good.  However, Chris (OB) was having some problems with the scanner and it is also possible that it was the position of the baby as was the case with our first scan.

So, we have another scan today in the scanning facility, not in his office.  All the high tech equipment on hand and we will find out for sure.  He wanted to leave it for a few days so he could see that even if the baby is small, that at least he/she is still growing.

Please keep your fingers crossed for us.  I've been trying to stay calm and relaxed doing meditations and continuing to talk to our little one, but this of course is worrying me.  As the weeks go by, our baby is feeling more and more a part of me.  If anything goes wrong...

And to top of my week, I have had the worst case of hemorrhoids and fissure that I have ever had!!  OOWWWWW!  To the point that I called Dave two days "babbling hysterically" as he called it.  He was home from work 20 minutes later, on the phone to the hospital, down to the chemist for medications and had me booked in to the doctor a couple of hours later.  What a man!!

They started a few weeks ago, once the constipation set in.  I am prone to them, however I couldn't treat them the way I normally would.  So, I went down the natural path - eating prunes firstly, then taking homeopathics, extra fibre.  But they continued to get worse and worse.  On Monday the OB said I can actually use my normal treatment but to be cautious I should wait until 14 weeks.

Well, by the end of that day, I'm thinking I can't wait.  And sure enough the next day, I was crying hysterically.  We got reassurances from both the hospital and the doctor on the treatment and along with some additional medications, I am now getting better.  But I am still sitting on the ring cushion!!

And of course, this is only the first trimester.  I am going to really have to take care of this all the way through my pregnancy - especially third trimester.  But at least from now on, I can treat it straight away.  What fun!!  :(

All I can say is thank goodness I am on the mend!

So now I wait patiently for our scan this afternoon, hoping for the big sigh of relief that will come with a good size and heartbeat.

Love and light

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

A different two week wait

Yesterday's scan also saw the end of our time with the fertility clinic.  Gosh, it seems so weird to say that.  Fertility clinics in some form or another have been a part of our lives for four years.  And we were with our current one for 18 months.

At the end of the session, they gave us a goodie bag filled with samples of baby things and baby and pregnancy magazines.  It was exciting but also scary.  It just seems a bit too soon for all of that stuff. 

I do feel pretty good with it all, though.  My goodness, we have never gotten this far before.  To know that there is a little heart beating away inside me.  It's amazing!  But I will be continuing to pray and meditate and keep my fingers crossed especially up until our 12 week scan.

I'm excited to be going to our new OB in two weeks.  He comes highly recommended from Louise and they work quite closely together.  Two weeks seems a long way away though.  The longest I've gone in between checking on our progress is a week!  I'm going to need to use all my deep breathing and calming techniques to stop myself from worrying.  "Everything is going well" will need to be my mantra.  "Everything is going well" "Everything is going well" "Everything is going well".

One of my friends is now in a position in her relationship where they are thinking about having children and she has begun taking pre-conception supplements.  She is 42.  I so hope it's not going to be as hard for her as it was for me.  I don't know that my experience will be able to help her either.  She is very strong willed in her beliefs and has to work things out in her own way.  But I will be there for her no matter what happens. 

No-one can really understand what it is like to be infertile if they haven't been through it.  And I know how extraordinarily helpful and supportive it has been to have been able to connect with other women through their infertile blogs.  I have two wonderful friends who have been incredibly supportive but no-one in real life who has experienced infertility.  She can.  I'd like to think that she doesn't have a long road ahead of her and perhaps we will even be pregnant together.  But I know all too well about the problems with the aging of ones eggs after 40.  And she has less time to work it out than I did.  I started at 40.  I have my fingers crossed for her as well!!

In the meantime, I am happy for myself.  I am happy to finally be pregnant with a heartbeat.  I am in disbelief that we have finished at the fertility clinic!  I am doing my best to be careful and healthy for our baby to give it the best chance I can.  And I am waiting.  Waiting to see what happens, waiting to see the OB, waiting to be able to say second trimester.

Fingers crossed.

Love and light

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Second Scan at 8 weeks

Our second scan and its still good news!  Dave has finally started letting himself feel excited about it now.  Things are progressing so well.

I was so nervous and anxious going into the scan.  Please let there still be a heartbeat, show me the heartbeat... and there it was!  Beating faster than last time, exactly as it should be, and bubby has grown beautifully.  This time he/she measured exactly as he/she should.  Pheww!!

Our OB is really pleased and the nurse actually put her hand on my knee and said "it looks like this one is going to go all the way".  Not something they would say lightly in a fertility clinic!

I didn't mention last week about the nausea that I felt which started Sunday night and didn't start easing until after the scan Monday night.  By Tuesday it was gone.  I assumed it was the start of morning sickness.  But I haven't felt that way since and there is only one possible reason for it - unconsciously I was sick with worry about our first scan.  I wasn't feeling it on the outside, but boy did my body manifest how I was feeling internally.  I couldn't eat all day Monday.  Dave made some soup for dinner and I was able to get some of that down, but I was so ill all day.  The OB asked me if I thought it was nerves.  I didn't know at the time.  But now I do.  I was ill with unconscious worry.  It's amazing how the body will manifest things even if we don't consciously know that we are feeling a certain way. 

So, aside from a few moments of feeling nauseus this week - in a different way than I felt on Monday - I have had no morning sickness at all.  No vomiting at all.  I am feeling quite blessed that I am one of the 25% of women that don't get it - so far at least!!  lol.   I had always been told that morning sickness was a good sign, so when I didn't get it, of course there was a little bit of concern.  But I asked Louise yesterday, and she said she didn't get it either.  That's it's all good. 

Thank goodness.  And I have to say, is I deserve a bit of a relief from something with all that I've gone through, particularly in the last 6 months.  Yea!!!

Dave took a video of the monitor showing our babies beating heart and we get photos in the mail next week.  So, we are now starting babies photo and video collection!  That's exciting!

I know we still have 5 weeks to go before we can feel safe and clear, but it feels really exciting now.  I'm starting to feel like this baby is a part of me and thats a good feeling.

I've had people telling me stories of women who miscarried at 12 weeks.  Why do they tell us things like that at this stage??  I know we are still at risk and so many things can go wrong, but I don't want to think that way.  This is an exciting time and I intend to try to bring only positive energy and good thoughts into my body and spirit.  All is going well!

Love and Light

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

A heartbeat!!

Yesterday we drove into the city, surprisingly quite relaxed considering we were about to find out whether we had a successful pregnancy or not.  After my kinesiology session though, I have been nothing but confident, so amazingly, for the most part, I wasn't worried.  At least on the surface!

It was amazing!!  The first thing the OB said was "there is the pregnancy!" and I was "where, where, where??!!"  And then she pointed out the heartbeat.  It was incredible.  Later she changed the scan view so we were able to see the heart beating in colour.  Just phenomenal.  To think something the size of a pea, has this amazing heartbeat.

We are so relieved and happy and we finally feel like we are really on our way to being parents.  We have to go back next week for another scan because bubby was positioned in such a way that Louise couldn't get a proper measurement and he seemed to be measuring too small for 7 weeks.  He was snuggled right up in the very corner of the sac.  But she is sure that it was just the angle because his heart is beating exactly as it should be for 7 weeks.

So, there is still a slight worry in my head about his sizing.  There always seems to be something!!!  But I'm taking the same approach as I've had for the last week.  Trust!  We have a heartbeat.  We have our baby growing away and snuggled into my body.

I am so relieved, and grateful.

Thank you everyone for all your prayers and support.  I know we still have a ways to go before we are safe, but right now, it feels wonderful!

Love and Light

Thursday, April 11, 2013

I AM...

I am pregnant
I AM pregnant

Today I went to see my kinesiologist.  What an amazing woman she is.  I told her that I was pregnant but I didn't like the place that I was in.  I was worried and stressed and tired and I knew that it wasn't good for me or the baby.

I walked out of that session feeling like a different person.  The excitement is back, the trust is back, the surety that we are succeeding is back.  The loving connection with our little one is back.  My grounding is back and my spiritual connection is back.  I feel happy!

I never mentioned the word "trust" to her, but it came up several times throughout the session.  What also came up, over and over, was my fear, anxiety and worry.  Fear of disappointment.  Fear that I will be disappointed again.

It turns out that the fear and worry were not just on a surface level but were emerging deep from my unconscious.  A lifetime of fear and worry was emerging and being reflected into worry for my baby.

Carolyn cleared all of that.  She reopened my connection to Spirit and aligned my energy once more.  I'm amazed at how much better I feel.  I feel much more secure in the process.  I feel greater Trust that things are working well.

She asked me if I could remember a time when I completely trusted in the process of my life, of the universe unfolding.  And I couldn't.  I don't remember ever feeling like that.  Now it's time that I did.  Anytime the fear emerges, I need to delete that file and replace it with the new one of Trust and acceptance.  Of living in the moment.  And in this moment right now, I AM PREGNANT!  I rejoice in that, I feel the joy, I feel the love for our tiny little bundle of cells that are still dividing and growing just like the nurse told me that they were.

After the trust question, Carolyn asked me if I could remember a time when I felt truly at peace and calm with my life.  And I do remember that.  Just one period in my life.  It was just before I met Dave.  A few months before, I had broken up from a destructive relationship and I was just beginning to get my life back again.  I don't know why, or how it happened, or how to recreate it, but for several months, my life was good.  I was constantly feeling the peacefulness of life, the simplicity of life.  I was always taking time to connect with Spirit and centre myself.  I was eating well, exercising daily, with no problems or addictive behaviours or thoughts. 

I've often wanted to go back to that time in my life.  Perhaps now is the time to recreate it.  Perhaps now I am ready.

Thank you Carolyn for helping me to move past the fear that I have been living with the last few weeks.  Thank you Spirit for leading me to Carolyn a few months ago.  I do credit her as a significant part of how we were able to finally conceive.

I asked her if she knew of any meditiation CD's that would be good for me to stay connected.  And she has given me some ideas.  So, I'm going to follow through on that and hopefully find the exact right one for me.

I Am Pregnant!!

Wednesday, April 10, 2013


This post is designed to try and pull me out of my fear and back into Trust, cause I really need to.

I had my final blood test before our scan on Monday.  Everything is still going forward.  My HCG levels are now just under 10,000 and the other hormones are progressing as well.  But it just all seems to have slowed down.

I was expecting the hormones to be around 15,000 give or take.  So when they weren't I questioned how the progress was going.  The nurse assured me that you can't give a lot of status to the numbers at this stage.  According to their pregnancy hormone chart, I am still doing fine.  It is the scan on Monday that will really tell us what is going on.  All going well, we will hear a heartbeat or two.  She said the fact that hormones are still increasing shows that the cells are still dividing and progressing.  That I wasn't to worry.

I'm just not sure if she is just trying to comfort me until the scan or she really believes that things are going ok.

I'm so scared that things have slowed down and aren't progressing properly anymore.

I need to let go of this fear and Trust.  But I'm not sure how to do that.

I think what I will do for now is lay down and do my Light and Love meditation.  Imagine bubby (ies) inside me and send them all the good energy I can.  Deep breathing will also relax me and get me focused on what is important.  Being positive about our pregnancy and trusting that all is going ok.

This isn't an easy process.  It's hard to feel the joy.  But we are still further along than we have ever gotten before and I need to be grateful for that and allow that to generate Hope.

Deep breaths.


Be so thankful and amazed that we have gotten this far.

Let go.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Anxiety and another blood test

Thursday afternoon saw me in tears with worry and calling the clinic for another blood test.  I'd been trying so hard not to be anxious about how things were going.  I was doing really well until Thursday arvo!

After the phone call I felt so much better just knowing I was getting checked the next day.  My pregnancy hormones have gone up nicely.  Not as much as I hoped for or expected but still at the top of the range of the chart I put up yesterday and the nurse was happy with the HCG numbers as well as my oestrogen and progesterone.  HCG 4890.  Up from 1938 on Monday.  So we are still going along fine.  Phewww!

I really do feel so much better now.  I'm starting to feel more relaxed and trusting in the process.  And able to just let things progress however they progress.

I do wish that I would stop brown spotting though.  I had it about a week ago and it started again two days ago.  I know that it is nothing to worry about.  Brown blood is old blood.  But I really would prefer not to have it!!

Anita asked me a few questions in her comment yesterday so I thought I would answer them here!  Hi Anita!  And Hi Jen as well.  Thank you for you comments!

"Sooo... how ya feelin'?! :) Sleeping well? Any cravings yet? Tired?"

How AM I feeling?
It's such a mix of feelings going on.  I don't feel that I've gotten to the point of being excited yet (after the initial BFP that is!).  I think that might happen once we get to hearing the heartbeat.
Any time I have any symptomatic pains I am really happy.  The morning I woke up and my boobs didn't hurt, I got worried. Come to think of it - that was Thursday!  But they started hurting again later in the day!  YEA!!!  lol
Today though, I am mostly feeling pretty calm and that is good.

Sleeping well?
Yes, apart from the hot/cold thing.  Blankets on, blankets off, blankets on, blankets off.  I just keep going back and forth with my body temperature.
Oh, and I've upped my water intake, so I'm going to the toilet at least twice during the night as well!
But, I am going back to sleep straight away and getting enough sleep.

No.  Expect for wanting to eat really well with lots of vegetables and very little sugary treats.  I'm amazed at what I am not craving.  I have none of the food cravings that I usually have with my food addiction.  I still have problems with the mental need for compulsive eating, but as I absolutely don't want junk, it is not eventuating.  Most interesting.

Yes!  On and off.  I am able to rest quite a bit, so I take advantage of it and any tiredness I have is not overwhelming me.

Well, thats it for today!  Thank you everyone for you support.  Oo, yes I am a little excited now!  Nice!

Love and Light

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Third blood test

We had our third blood test on Monday - at 5 weeks/Day 35 - and things are still looking good.  My HCG levels had risen to 1938 - up from 265 on Friday.   Working on the premise of them doubling every two days, I didn't expect them to be that high.  However, the nurse said that was where they would expect them to be and on looking up an on-line chart, it was confirmed.

HCG Levels in Single and Twin Pregnancy
Days from LMP*
HCG Range** for Singleton Pregnancy
HCG Range for Multiple Pregnancy

Going from this chart, it looks like we may only have one, not two bubbies growing.  But until confirmed, I am going to continue talking to two of them!

Our first scan has been cancelled now.  This clinic will just wait for the seven week scan (rather than doing a six week scan as well), which in my case, will be seven and a half weeks (fingers crossed!).  I am a little disappointed, but I understand.  They feel that there wouldn't be much to see any earlier than that and there certainly wouldn't be a heartbeat, so it wouldn't be to my advantage to scan earlier.

As long as I keep getting regularly checked with blood tests so I know things are going ok, then that will be alright.

It is up to me how often I get blood tested.  The OB says that at this stage, they will do whatever I need to feel comfortable and not stressed.  Isn't that amazing???  It's such a great clinic!  And our OB Louise is just awesome.  And while I am debating with myself about getting tested on Friday, I think Monday will be fine.  A week will give us a really good idea on what is happening and besides, it is stressful waiting for the results of tests as well!!

I am still nervous about it all.  I think it will be quite some time before that disappears.  Each test has helped me to feel better and I hope that each upcoming test will continue in the same way.

In the meantime, I keep remembering to TRUST.  It helps me so much to just let go and accept.  It brings a joy over the pregnancy and a feeling of letting go of all the worries that I have.  I just have to say it constantly, because I keep forgetting!

There are so many people out there, including us, praying for us and have their fingers crossed that our pregnacy continues to blossom.  It is wonderful to know how we are being supported by our friends and family and also by Spirit.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Follow up test

After a stressful couple of days, todays test results show that our pregnancy is progressing really well!!!  HCG levels have gone from 99 two days ago, to 265 today - they've nearly tripled!!

I am SO relieved!  We are still pregnant!

It's been a tough two days.  Once the initial excitement were off, I started worrying.  Please, please, please embies, keep growing, snuggle in, HCG levels keep rising.  I've been so scared.  I've been really trying not to but it's just been there.  Waiting for these results have been so much harder than waiting for the initial result saying we were pregnant.  It felt like there was so much more at stake.

And then I started spotting a little.  The leftover crinone began releasing with specks of colour in it.  Mostly the colour was brown, but sometimes it wasn't so brown.  And then today I started spotting more.  Once again though, mostly old blood.  The times when it wasn't quite brown absolutely terrified me.

And the results took so long to come in.  I was expecting them by 2 pm at the latest.  They didn't come in till 5 pm.  It's been a tough day.  But finally they arrived and I couldn't believe the number.  265!!!

The nurse said not to worry about the spotting.  The crinone release is normal and as long as the blood is old it is all good.  As for the couple of times I felt it wasn't quite old, she said is could be anything.  Implantation blood even.  Shes taken note of it and will follow up on Monday but she said not to worry.  That my levels were terrific.  And we are doing everything that needs to be done.  She said go away and have a relaxing Easter!  Things are progressing well.

I go in again on Monday for a final follow up blood test.  That one should be around 1000 in hcg levels.  So fingers crossed.

A friend said today that I just need to trust.  TRUST.  It is a good word.  A reassuring word.  A word of faith and belief.  A word of confidence.  A word of peacefulness, serenity, love.  I like it.

This afternoon I started wearing around my wrist, the pouch of buddhist prayers my dear friend brought back from Japan with me.  It is the one that I had with me on our wedding day, and I took with me to both the egg harvest and embryo transfer.  It really helped me to settle down a little this afternoon.  And I guess it brought with it Trust and Faith.

It is still on my wrist!

So now I go away with Trust in my heart and soul and know that once again we are progressing well through each step of the IVF process.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

It worked!

I know its early days BUT......................

I'm pregnant!!!!!!!

It worked!


Okay, now that the excitement is expressed....  the details!

I got tested a day early for two reasons - I had to call the clinic about another matter and earlier in the day I cheated and took a home pregnancy test which was positive!   The funny story is that the nurse guessed I had taken the test!  I asked her how long the pregnyl stays in your system because I wondered if maybe I was getting a false positive.  She answered my question and then said "You took a pregnancy test didn't you??!!"  LOL  :):)  When I told the nurse yes, she said, "Well, lets get you tested a day early!" 

My HCG levels were 99 - which is great.  My estrogen and progesterone levels are also good.  The nurse even started talking about my 6 week scan and my due date and, wow, I couldn't believe it!

The next step is another test in two days to see if the the pregnancy is developing as it should.  And then I will have another follow up next week.  The prayers will continue and the fingers will still be tightly crossed for the next week(s).

It worked! We made it to this the biggest step along the journey.  Yes, there are still more steps to go before we are safe.  None of my pregnancies have made it passed 6 weeks, but so far so fantastic!!

My other pregnancies were natural conceptions.  This one feels better because good embryos were selected, I'm being monitored and I'm on drugs to assist the pregnancy.

Part of me is scared to be excited.  Another part of is so relieved!  I'm pregnant.  All that I've gone through is, so far, paying fruition.  I think I will stick with the excited emotion for a while and run with it.  I'm going to talk to my baby/babies and keep encouraging them to grow.  I'm going to keep doing my golden white light meditations.

The journey isn't over but we've finally made it this far!

Thank you, thank you!

Monday, March 25, 2013

Two more days

Two more sleeps till our pregnancy blood test.  The wait is driving me mad.  We are now at the stage where I could do a home test, but with the chance of false readings from all the hormones, I am hesitant to do so.  Of course, being at this stage also means that every time I go to the toilet I have my fingers crossed that things are still staying positive.

I assume the clinic waits an extra couple of days past the two weeks just to see what happens, to make sure that there has been no period.  But it's torture for me!!!  :)

It's been a few days since I posted, so a quick update...

Friday saw me laying down in the car on the way to a funeral for Logans paternal grandmother with really sharp pains in my belly/uterus.  They were either from running around too much getting ready or possibly they were implantation cramps.  Hopefully they were implantation pains!  Either way they were most uncomfortable and prevented from being able to take care of Logan properly.  Mum stepped in as his other main babysitter and held him for me.

Dave didn't want me taking any risks in holding him and putting strain on my abdominal muscles and uterus.  I was okay for a little while, but it didn't take long to start to hurt. The pain lasted until I was able to get home and rest.

Over the weekend, I have developed pains similiar to menstrual pains.  It is frustrating that pregnancy pains and period pains can be the same!  However, these pains I usually only feel when I am acutally bleeding and as I'm not.....,  my fingers are still crossed.  I've also woken up throughout the night with nausea, not to a vomiting stage or anywhere near that, just an unpleasant nausea feeling.  Then it goes once I fully awaken in the morning.  It is too early to be feeling morning sickness, so I'm not sure what that means.

I had trouble on my walk yesterday.  I was huffing and puffing up a very slight incline that I wouldn't normally think about and I slowed down as the walk progressed.  I do feel quite lethargic.  But once again, that doesn't necessarily mean pregnancy.  Whatever is going on in my body, it is going through a lot and tiredness, I guess, is to be expected.

So, I live in a state of fear, hopefullness, unsure, positivity, back to fear.  It just goes on and on.  Other times, I place my hands on my belly and talk to my embies and try and get any sensations of them being there and growing.  Sometimes I think I am aware of something, an energy, an awareness.  But who knows.  I had the same feeling before and things didn't work out in the end.  I stay hopeful though.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Staying centered

6 more sleeps till testing day!  I could test on Monday but they have warned us that with all the hormones we, that is I!!!, am taking, it is possible to get a false positive with a home pregnancy test.  So its best to wait and do the blood test with them.

I fluctuate between fear and confidence. 

There is a part of me that knows this is the one and that is the part that I try and stay connected to.  There are no assurances and I know us succeeding will defy the odds (thus the fear), but this cycle has gone perfectly.  There have been no complications and there have been 10 signs of encouragement that I have written about over several posts this week!!

All of me knows how much I will thrive as a mother.  My whole world will change for the better.  My whole self will change for the better.  I look forward to rising to the challenges and to taking care of a little soul.  And yes, I even look forward to the tiredness because our little being(s) will bring so much joy and love and completeness. 

This is what gets me through the days, this knowing, this feeling of being centered and calm.  And when the fear comes up, I move inside myself and feel the joy of being pregnant whether I am or not.  I focus on our little embryos and I picture them burrowed into my uterine wall, peaceful and content and growing rapidly!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013


One week left to go in the 2WW.  It seems like forever.

I'm healing well now and able to do most things but of course, I'm being careful.  J and Logan came to visit for a few hours today.  I loved having them here.  I was careful with how I picked him up but by the end, I was sore and tired and was ready to lay down.  I don't think I can do a full day babysitting on Monday.  But it is a few days away yet.  I will be healed even more by then.

I woke up this morning with nausea and my moods aren't the best.  Crinone and Pregnyl combined I guess.  The clinic rang today to follow up with how I was.  Really, I'm doing well.  It's just a tough process to go through.

I've been thinking today about all that my body and emotions have gone through in the last few months.  Two miscarriages and ICSI round.  Tough on both.  I'm tired.

I was hoping Dave would be home by the time I have to leave tonight.  But he has to work late.  So, I'm about to give myself the clexane injection.  It's harder to get into the skin than the IVF drugs and boy does it leave a mark!  If you looked at stomach now, you would think I was a junkie!

I really needed the support of Dave here tonight.  But of course, I will be fine.  I will get myself injected, fed and off to my meeting with no problems.  I just don't feel like I'm coping very well right now.  And I'm finding the 2WW really stressful as well.  I'm scared.  I really need it to work this time around.

Always seeking the Love and Light....


Tuesday, March 19, 2013

A funny thing...

A funny thing happened today.

Yesterday, one of my students called me to say that she had a simulated baby for the next few days and she would have to bring it to the lesson.  She was worried about what would happen in the lesson if she had to take care of it.  I told her no worries, I could hold it, feed it etc, while she played.  All good!

Fortunately, the baby was awake but quiet the whole lesson, so no problems.

However, at lunchtime we had flute ensemble rehearsal.  My student had fed and changed the baby before the rehearsal, so I thought it might be all good.  5 minutes later baby is crying and wants to be fed again. 

So, I found myself standing in front of my ensemble, fake baby in my arms, feeding it with the fake bottle!  It was hilarious!  Once the girls got over laughing, we got on with the rehearsal, with me counting and singing their parts rather than conducting!

I have to admit.   When she brought the baby into the her lesson, all I wanted to do was hold it!  A fake baby!  Cluck, cluck, cluck!! 

I've occassionally had a simulated baby in lessons before, but do you think this counts as good sign Number Ten!

After rehearsal, one of the girls said "You look so natural holding the baby!"  Aww, shucks!!  :):)

Monday, March 18, 2013

A new symptom and some relief!

I had to call the clinic today because, just to add to the list of side effects and things I have to take, I have developed thrush!  I was worried about what that would do to the potential pregnancy and what I could take to treat it.  In the past, the only thing that has worked for me has been the one dose tablet, the creams have never been successful.  However I can't take the tablet, I have to do the cream, so fingers crossed it works.  That means in the morning I do the thrush cream and in the evening the crinone.  Ah, the things we do!!  I was warned it might all be a little messy.  Ooooooo!!

I am just completely relieved that the thrush infection will not harm the embryos.  The nurse said that some women do get thrush as a result of all the hormones we are taking.  I haven't experienced it before so something different yet again for this cycle!  I found it amazing how every cycle has been so different.  Our bodies are just incredible works of art!

It was really good to talk to the nurses today after having the weekend with no contact.  I guess I built up a few questions without realising it because I asked a lot and learnt a lot!

I was relieved to know that the only thing that will affect the embryos is overheating.  Not any activity I do such as housework etc.  I must make sure my core temperature does not get too high.  All the other pains I have been having are the ovaries still healing from theatre and the multitude of hormones - nothing to do with the embryos.  Phewww!  I did suspect that, going on the position of the pain, but it was a relief to hear it from the professionals.

Jane (my fav nurse!) said that I can do all my activities as normal, but as soon as I feel any pain to stop and either not do it, or pass it on to Dave. 

I have been feeling a lot better today and managed a medium paced 30 minute walk this morning.  I stayed close to home, walking back and forth along the streets, in case I needed to come back and I was definitely ready to return after 25 minutes.  I've also done a little bit of housework but found that it stirred up some ovary pain and discomfort and I stopped.

So, its still been resting today and light activities.  I've sorted out my school bag (small suitcase on wheels) so I'm not carrying so many teaching materials and that has left me enough space to put my computer in the suitcase.  One less thing over my shoulder.  I will get Dave to weigh it tonight and make sure it is not over 10 kilos - the limit the OB said I should lift.  I only have a short day tomorrow, so that will be good.

I feel a large sense of relief at what I have learnt today.  My babies are secure and safe and hopefully continuing to grow and flourish.

Love and Light

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Treatment sessions and the 2WW

The Two Week Wait.
It is most definitely here.  And once again, things are different this time around.

I've never had a problem with the TWW before.  We've waited the two weeks every cycle for 4 years.  It's always just been part of the course.  Whether through stimulated cylce or natural.  But this time, with the hopes and dreams I have for this cycle, and the way things have been going so well for the first time in one of my rounds, I started feeling the tension yesterday.

I also started feeling fears that embryos weren't growing or that something was going wrong.  And I realised what a roller coaster ride I am in for the next two weeks.

I've been in a lot of pain and discomfort and I feet the need for the next few days to really relax and take it easy and lay down a lot.  In fact, it has also been forced on me as well.  Even doing the dishes yesterday brought about abdominal pains.  But the moment I felt them, I stopped the dishes and lay down.

I understand where the fears are coming from, but I refuse to let them take hold.  Instead I've been focusing on Love and Light.  I've been meditating on them and feeling both of these flowing through me, through my chakras and into my womb.  Feeling the breath of God.

My kinesiology session yesterday was amazing and has really helped me to be able to feel these things.
The first thing she was led to were my ovaries which she said were dehydrated.  Makes sense.  They've gone through a lot.  She worked on them and also on stimulating the energy in my uterus, getting the blood flowing and getting it all ready to receive the embryos.

For my part, I have continued to drink 2.5 litres of water a day, and constantly go to the toilet!!  Yet despite all the water I am drinking, my lips are really dry and sore and need constant lip balm - a sign of dehydration.  But I can't drink anymore than I am.  I would have to just stay on the toilet all day if I did!!!  :)  So, I'm also concentrating on eating foods that are hydrating as well as full of nutrients.

The kinesiologist also worked on aligning the energy throughout my body, allowing the channels to flow and making it easy for new little energies to find their way!  The words I left with are:
  • Joy, acceptance and unconditional love
  • Self worth, self love
  • Trust and higher self alignment
  • Hydration and Nutrition
The third one is perhaps the biggest for me - to trust and to stay aligned.  The Love and Light focus is helping with that.

And finally, my naturopath/masseur.  The fact that that appointment occurred the day before transfer is really significant.  The massages that I usually need, I won't be able to have when pregnant because she works on areas that can also encourage contrations.  So, it was wonderful to be able to have, what will hopefully be my last full massage for the next 9 months!  And once again, some of the points that she found were all about good blood flow to my uterus amongst other things.

A perfect pre-transfer day!

Friday, March 15, 2013

The day of and the day before embryo transfer

Embryo Transfer this morning!  Everything is still going SO well.  We had our best result yet with two embryos that have continued to grow as expected.  The other three seemed to have stopped growing.  They will give them another 24 hours but they are not hopeful about being able to freeze them.

But it doesn't matter.  We got TWO EMBRYOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And we still have little Nemo on ice.  (Thats what Dave named our frozen embryo from round 2 which we weren't able to transfer because of my polyp)

I was so excited I couldn't stop smiling, including most of the way through the procedure and aftewards saying goodbye!!  :):)  The transfer itself was a breeze.  It was over before I knew it.  Last time, the OB had a little trouble with it, it took a little longer, and was a little more uncomfortable.  But not this time.  Done and dusted and our two embryos are inside me, hopefully happily finding a home and continuing to grow.

Our OB was away today so we had a different person (first time ever for us!).  He was the OB who was on call the night we had the ovarian bleed on my first cycle.  He was wonderful that night, so helpful, proficient and caring.  And today was no different.  I immediately liked him.  He was wonderful.  A strong, gentle, caring man who obviously loves his job and is brilliant at it.  No wonder his name is at the top of the list.  Right above our usual OB!  We have been so lucky with OB's now we are at this different clinic.

Here is a photo of what our embryos looked like.  PS. It isn't ours!  Although if we are successful, I may ask if we can get one!


The Day before Transfer

Yesterday was a day of amazing syncronicity.  My chance, or design, who knows which, it doesn't matter which, it was an amazing day full of events that helped prepare me for the transfer!  I am still amazed by it.

I have already done a list of signs etc that have happened over the last couple of weeks that have been encouraging me to believe that this round could be the one.   The posts are here and here.  Now the list continues!

 I had both a kiniesology treatment and a full massage and they both were an amazing preparation for the embryo transfer today.  I didn't plan to have them booked on the same day and I certainly did not plan to have them booked the day before the transfer.  I booked them weeks ago before we even started this IVF round. [More about them in my next post.] But the timing of them was incredible!

I also had a counselling session scheduled but this was cancelled. And I think it was meant to be that I didn't see the shrink.   I think that not talking about what happened with the kiniesologist was the way it was meant to be - that I was simply allowed to let the treatment work within me and not analyse it or disrupt the energy shifts with the mental and emotional analysis that comes with the shrink.  Things continued to be set up for me.

Although this is under really sad circumstances, I ended up having Logan for most of the day.  His grandmother has been terminally ill and the family were called in at 5am in the morning to spend her last day with her.  Logan went for a while but it's not good for him to be at the hospital for hours, so I was called early in the morning to pick him up.

The fact that I spent a good portion of my day before transfer with this wonderful baby who has brought forth such strong maternal instincts in me did not go unnoticed.

I know this is a little trivial but it's never happened in all the other times we have been to the hospital, so why today?  When we checked out after the transfer, the lady on the desk cut off my hospital ID and said "Do you want to keep it?"  Today, of all days, I get asked to keep a momento of my admission!!!  I said YES!

Now this last one just freaks me out and requires a bit of a backstory.

Dave and I spent last Christmas with his family in Sydney.  They are a Catholic family and so I went with his Mum and him to mass in the morning.  I don't what happened within me because this doesn't usually bother me - but there were so many kids running around the church, and by about 20 minutes into the mass, I was in tears.  I just couldn't cope with all the children - there were just too many and I felt my lack of a child so keenly.

I had to leave.  Dave followed me out and we sat outside for a while talking and then I told him to go back in with his Mum.  I would just walk back home and get his Auntie V (who lives next door) to let me in.  I knocked on the door, she let me in with a "has mass finished already?!" and before I knew it, I was crying on her shoulder, telling her about everything.

V is a devout catholic and I am glad she had already been to a Christmas mass.  She listened to me and supported me and talked about her own experiences and was fantastic.  She then offered to give me some information about a Saint of Motherhood I could pray to if I wanted to.  There was no pressure, she just wanted to give me some information and let me do what I wanted with it.  And she was there to support me and pray with me if I chose.  It never went any further during that visit because things were so busy and then we were gone.

Guess when she sent me the information?  9.30 last night.  All this time later!  She apologised for taking so long to get it to me.  Are you serious??  I get the information the day of transfer! (because I checked the emails this morning).  Am I really being told that this is going to work this time?  Is it time I finally trusted in all these little things that have been happening and believe.  If I wasn't already at that point after yesterdays sessions then this tipped me right over the edge.  Yes, I do believe this is the one.  In a really peaceful, calm and positive way, I do believe that this is the one.  I now have my bubbies inside of me.

Needless to say, I printed out the prayer and put it with the pouch symbolising the months worth of prayers from a Japanese monastery that my dear friend organised for me.  And I took them both into the transfer with me, hanging from a chord on my wrist.


I am feeling so good about this.  I know that if it doesn't work, I am in for a BIG let down.  But I will deal with that if it happens.  Dave is still feeling cautious and I understand that.  But he is also supportive in me not being cautious anymore and simply running with these wonderful and positive feelings I am having about it all!

My fingers are still crossed!

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Post Theatre

Theatre went well yesterday.

Aside from the anaesthetist who, upon having trouble getting the needle into my hand, tried to put it into my wrist instead.  The pain was excriating.  He then gave me gas to relax me so he could try to get it into my other hand.  Of course I was even more tense after what he had just done to my hand and wrist!  And I hated the gas as well.  It was awful.  But finally the needle went in the other hand.  Why he didn't try my other hand first before trying my wrist is beyond me.
When I woke from theatre the only pain I had was the excriating pain in my wrist.  My abdomen was fine!  I couldn't move my arm at all without agony.  My wrist was iced by the nurses and a cream put on it to try to bring out the bruising and encourage faster healing.  Today it is better, but I still need to be careful.  I can type in short bursts (this post is taking a long time to put together!), but I can't undo bottles/jars or do up my bra!  I made sure to get dressed before Dave left for work so he could help me  :)  So, no permanent damage to my wrist thank goodness.  Just a really nasty bruise covering my inner wrist and a dark red blotch where the needle went in.

We got 7 eggs which the OB was happy with.  I was hoping for 8-10, but 7 is still good.  After all, we only need one good one!  Of those 7, one was immature and one didn't fertilise.  So we have 5 embryos starting to grow!  Fingers crossed they continue to grow!

Wednesday I start the Crinone (progesterone cream).

Thursday I start aspirin 100 mg and Clexane 40 mg.
One of the results of my multiple blood screenings was that I have a problem with blood clotting.  I don't know what that means in regards to my overall health, I will investigate that further later on.  But in regards to pregnancy, it means that it can be more difficult for implantation to fully take hold.  So, I will be on these two drugs until further notice.  The clexane is another daily injection - just great!  Not!

Friday we go in for the transfer - fingers crossed of course that we get at least one good embryo.

Monday I go into the clinic for a pregnyl 500iu injection.  I haven't had this one before either.  This one helps keep the lining of the womb all nice and juicy for implantation.

And then on Wednesday the 27th, if I haven't started my period, I go in for a pregnancy test.

My OB is pulling out all the stops for this one.  Giving it everything she can.  I'm glad.  Because I really don't think I can go through it again.  Especially theatre.  The anxiety I feel going in there is so high and I so wanted to jump off that bed and say "I'm calling it off, I'm calling it off".  But of course I didn't.

And theatre is still not the end of it as you can see from the list above.  I'm tired of being poked and prodded.  I'm tired of feeling so many array of emotions and physical symptoms.  I'm really tired of injections.  My coping skills are really struggling with that one.

Please, please, please let this one work.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

The days before egg harvest

The days continue to chop and change with side effects.  I had a great day on Friday but totally collapsed in exhaustion late afternoon and that continued throughout Saturday.  Then I picked up Saturday night and wasn't able to sleep till midnight!  Go figure!  Today I am once again feeling quite weary.

Wednesday I had my last scan before harvest on MondayMy follicles have continued to develop and there were around 10 measuring 13-14mm.  So, I would imagine they have reached the goal size of 17mm by now.  I'm feeling sore and heavy in the ovaries and I find that if I have a full bladder it is more uncomfortable!

We did the last puregon and orgalutron injections on Friday night and did the trigger injection (ovidrel) last night (Saturday).  So today is a day off for injections before theatre tomorrow.

I must admit to not coping all that well in the last few days.  I think doing this round on the back end of two miscarriages is taking its toll on my emotions and body.  At this point, I don't know that I could go through another round.  Fingers crossed we won't have to! 

I also have a lot of anxiety over going under for the egg harvest.  I have so many fears of it, all related to my physical well being.  I always fear the worst.  I just need to remember that I get knocked out and then in the next blink of an eye it is all over.  And that during the procedure I am under good care.  If anything goes wrong, I have an absolutely awesome doctor, in fact I will have two doctors for this procedure, so I am being well looked after.  It doesn't take away my fear but I am focusing in on those thoughts to help me.

Today we are hanging out with some friends.  They are moving house in a couple of weeks and I offered to help them pack.  It will be a good distraction as well as great company for the day.  I'll do what I can energy wise and I know Dave will keep an eye out for me and not let me do too much.

I'm looking forward to the next week moving along quickly.  The 5 day wait after the harvest to find out if we have any good embryos and then the transfer procedure.  All things I will be glad to have completed.

Wish me luck for Monday's harvest!