Trust

This post is designed to try and pull me out of my fear and back into Trust, cause I really need to.

I had my final blood test before our scan on Monday.  Everything is still going forward.  My HCG levels are now just under 10,000 and the other hormones are progressing as well.  But it just all seems to have slowed down.

I was expecting the hormones to be around 15,000 give or take.  So when they weren't I questioned how the progress was going.  The nurse assured me that you can't give a lot of status to the numbers at this stage.  According to their pregnancy hormone chart, I am still doing fine.  It is the scan on Monday that will really tell us what is going on.  All going well, we will hear a heartbeat or two.  She said the fact that hormones are still increasing shows that the cells are still dividing and progressing.  That I wasn't to worry.

I'm just not sure if she is just trying to comfort me until the scan or she really believes that things are going ok.

I'm so scared that things have slowed down and aren't progressing properly anymore.

I need to let go of this fear and Trust.  But I'm not sure how to do that.

I think what I will do for now is lay down and do my Light and Love meditation.  Imagine bubby (ies) inside me and send them all the good energy I can.  Deep breathing will also relax me and get me focused on what is important.  Being positive about our pregnancy and trusting that all is going ok.

This isn't an easy process.  It's hard to feel the joy.  But we are still further along than we have ever gotten before and I need to be grateful for that and allow that to generate Hope.

Deep breaths.

Trust.

Be so thankful and amazed that we have gotten this far.

Let go.

Treatment sessions and the 2WW

The Two Week Wait.
It is most definitely here.  And once again, things are different this time around.

I've never had a problem with the TWW before.  We've waited the two weeks every cycle for 4 years.  It's always just been part of the course.  Whether through stimulated cylce or natural.  But this time, with the hopes and dreams I have for this cycle, and the way things have been going so well for the first time in one of my rounds, I started feeling the tension yesterday.

I also started feeling fears that embryos weren't growing or that something was going wrong.  And I realised what a roller coaster ride I am in for the next two weeks.

I've been in a lot of pain and discomfort and I feet the need for the next few days to really relax and take it easy and lay down a lot.  In fact, it has also been forced on me as well.  Even doing the dishes yesterday brought about abdominal pains.  But the moment I felt them, I stopped the dishes and lay down.

I understand where the fears are coming from, but I refuse to let them take hold.  Instead I've been focusing on Love and Light.  I've been meditating on them and feeling both of these flowing through me, through my chakras and into my womb.  Feeling the breath of God.

My kinesiology session yesterday was amazing and has really helped me to be able to feel these things.
The first thing she was led to were my ovaries which she said were dehydrated.  Makes sense.  They've gone through a lot.  She worked on them and also on stimulating the energy in my uterus, getting the blood flowing and getting it all ready to receive the embryos.

For my part, I have continued to drink 2.5 litres of water a day, and constantly go to the toilet!!  Yet despite all the water I am drinking, my lips are really dry and sore and need constant lip balm - a sign of dehydration.  But I can't drink anymore than I am.  I would have to just stay on the toilet all day if I did!!!  :)  So, I'm also concentrating on eating foods that are hydrating as well as full of nutrients.

The kinesiologist also worked on aligning the energy throughout my body, allowing the channels to flow and making it easy for new little energies to find their way!  The words I left with are:

• Joy, acceptance and unconditional love
• Self worth, self love
• Trust and higher self alignment
• Hydration and Nutrition

The third one is perhaps the biggest for me - to trust and to stay aligned.  The Love and Light focus is helping with that.

And finally, my naturopath/masseur.  The fact that that appointment occurred the day before transfer is really significant.  The massages that I usually need, I won't be able to have when pregnant because she works on areas that can also encourage contrations.  So, it was wonderful to be able to have, what will hopefully be my last full massage for the next 9 months!  And once again, some of the points that she found were all about good blood flow to my uterus amongst other things.

A perfect pre-transfer day!

What will I do?

I was browsing through In Season Mom Cynthias blog this morning, reading some of her excellent articles and interviews, when I decided to look through her links to see what other over 40 mum blogs she had listed.  And there it was...  My name... New Mum Over 40.

I made that my name as a way of bringing into our lives our little one.  When we leave for our honeymoon on Dec 10, I will turn 44.  Seems I should change my name.  I'm no new mum, and I'm soon to be over 44.  The positive thinking is now nearly 4 years old with no results.

I still believe we will have a child.  For me, there is no alternative that I could possibly live with.  But, the further in we go, the more doubts creep in.  Every IVF round has progressively had more complications.  Admittedly, the last one was a result of a late diagnosis of a natural pregnancy that was failing.  But that meant no round at all and more delay and more aging of my eggs. Yet still, I have my fingers crossed for January.  I can't let go of the dream and the belief that it will work.

If we haven't succeeded before we get to the point of not being able to go on with the treatment, which will be next year, I don't know how I will cope.  Being a Mum is the only dream I have in my life.  I have achieved all the other things I've wanted to do.  I've had a good career, finished two degrees, I've travelled extensively, lived overseas and had the time and energy to do a lot of inner work and self development.  But I'm ready to let go of my career now.  The only thing I want in this whole world is to love and cherish and raise our child.  It's what I'm meant to do.

What will I do if that doesn't happen?

Dave and I only last weekend ended up having a conversation around that.  We were at the supermarkets and passed a screaming child.  "Something to look forward to", I said.  And he rolled his eyes and said "I know!"

And suddenly we were having a conversation of how it wouldn't be so bad.  We could go away whenever we wanted, travel the world for my 50th birthday etc etc.  Yes, we had both though of that.  Yet, as nice as that all sounds, it doesn't compare with having our own family.

What will we do if it doesn't happen?