Treatment sessions and the 2WW

The Two Week Wait.
It is most definitely here.  And once again, things are different this time around.

I've never had a problem with the TWW before.  We've waited the two weeks every cycle for 4 years.  It's always just been part of the course.  Whether through stimulated cylce or natural.  But this time, with the hopes and dreams I have for this cycle, and the way things have been going so well for the first time in one of my rounds, I started feeling the tension yesterday.

I also started feeling fears that embryos weren't growing or that something was going wrong.  And I realised what a roller coaster ride I am in for the next two weeks.

I've been in a lot of pain and discomfort and I feet the need for the next few days to really relax and take it easy and lay down a lot.  In fact, it has also been forced on me as well.  Even doing the dishes yesterday brought about abdominal pains.  But the moment I felt them, I stopped the dishes and lay down.

I understand where the fears are coming from, but I refuse to let them take hold.  Instead I've been focusing on Love and Light.  I've been meditating on them and feeling both of these flowing through me, through my chakras and into my womb.  Feeling the breath of God.

My kinesiology session yesterday was amazing and has really helped me to be able to feel these things.
The first thing she was led to were my ovaries which she said were dehydrated.  Makes sense.  They've gone through a lot.  She worked on them and also on stimulating the energy in my uterus, getting the blood flowing and getting it all ready to receive the embryos.

For my part, I have continued to drink 2.5 litres of water a day, and constantly go to the toilet!!  Yet despite all the water I am drinking, my lips are really dry and sore and need constant lip balm - a sign of dehydration.  But I can't drink anymore than I am.  I would have to just stay on the toilet all day if I did!!!  :)  So, I'm also concentrating on eating foods that are hydrating as well as full of nutrients.

The kinesiologist also worked on aligning the energy throughout my body, allowing the channels to flow and making it easy for new little energies to find their way!  The words I left with are:

• Joy, acceptance and unconditional love
• Self worth, self love
• Trust and higher self alignment
• Hydration and Nutrition

The third one is perhaps the biggest for me - to trust and to stay aligned.  The Love and Light focus is helping with that.

And finally, my naturopath/masseur.  The fact that that appointment occurred the day before transfer is really significant.  The massages that I usually need, I won't be able to have when pregnant because she works on areas that can also encourage contrations.  So, it was wonderful to be able to have, what will hopefully be my last full massage for the next 9 months!  And once again, some of the points that she found were all about good blood flow to my uterus amongst other things.

A perfect pre-transfer day!

IVF

And so it begins…

We got all the IVF drugs today and will start our first round when I get my period in a few days.

To be absolutely honest, I am absolutely terrified.

I am going through a tough patch now, just with my life.  I am terrified about throwing this into the mix as well.  How am I going to react?  Will it be too much for me?  Will I lose the plot?  Will I end up in a full blown panic attack and in hospital?  That maybe an overreaction, but it is a thought that I truly and honestly feel all the time.

First thing is, I need to try and get on top of things.  I’m just not really sure how to go about that.  Everything I have tried over the last few weeks hasn’t even gotten off the ground.  But from tomorrow and especially from Monday, things need to be radically different.

The nurse said something interesting today.  She said that for every negative thought we have, we need 6 positive thoughts to counteract it.  Which roughly would mean I would need about 200 positive thought a day!  LOL  and a , but true.  It shows just how powerful our negative thoughts are.

She suggested starting a list of positive things to do, when the negativity / despair etc descends.  So Dave and I have put a little plan into action.  We have a grocery shopping app that links to both our phones.  Occasionally we have fun with it and leave each other messages.  Dave is going to do this for me now.  He is going to leave me positive, fun messages to try and help me through this phase I am in.  That in itself is a wonderfully positive thought!   

As for me, I need to find my own list.  I need to remember that this IVF thing is the most important thing in my life and I need to battle my inner demons with love and positivity in order for things to go well for me, for us and for our future baby.

Here goes!!

Making room for bubs (and updating!)

 

Hi all!  Sorry I haven't been around much or kept up blogging - both posting and commenting.  There just doesn't seemed to have been time in my head for it!  But I have really appreciated the comments I have received and have enjoyed quick catch ups on your blogs to see how things are going for you.

One of the reasons that there has been no time, is that we have been tackling some major projects around the home - clutter clearing, organising, building, gardening - all outdoor projects which is an area we haven't tackled since D moved in.  See my other blog - Creating Peaceful Thoughts- for all the details!

The clutter clearing and building in particular, held a lot of significance for me in regards to our conception journey, because I saw it as clearing away lots of rubbish in order to make room for bringing a new life into our home and lives.  And the building of a work area in the carport was like adding a new room to our home and saw us becoming more efficient both inside and outside the home with more clutter clearing, organising and creating of space.

The process is continuing with much more still to do.  And each step forward always signifies to me, more space in our lives for bubs to come in.

That was one of the really positive things that has happened and is still happening!

This, plus so many other little signs last cycle though, made me really hopeful about a positive result.  I was sure that we were finally going to conceive.  So, when my new cycle began, I was so upset.  It was the first time I have really truly cried over a new cycle.  And it occurred just as we were about to go away for the weekend and with visitors!  Oh dear.  Somehow, with D's help and support, I managed to get through that little episode secretly with our visitors none the wiser, and a wonderful weekend away!

However, the positive thing in this new cycle is that the length was back down to 30 days.  I haven't had a 30 day cycle since before we started trying a year and a half ago.  It always takes around 3 months for new naturopathic meds to really kick into the system and it has now been that long since Queen Naturo put me on new hormones. 

I truly believe that my system is balanced so much better and more ready to conceive - a 30 day cycle is awesome for me.  A few weeks ago I was all ready to go see my other naturopath for a second opinion (who I haven't seen at all since the journey began), but this has brought my belief back again to the awesome duo that I have my faith in.

It also means that I once again, have such hopes for this cycle.  A blessing and a curse all at once!!

More updates:

**  King Acupunc has become more gungho about getting us pregnant after going to yet another fertility workshop.  He came away equipped with more ideas, more specific points to needle me, and with lots of charts for me to fill in!  I appreciate this passion he has to ensure results and hope it works!

**  Mr. Ayuveda is continuing to help me, this time working with my own feelings and instincts on what is going on for me.  Every now and then I turn up at his door with such a clear image on what is wrong and when it is that strong he is able to get a clearer picture himself on what is needed.

This week was all about helping my soul to find my body.  I have been feeling so strongly that I am living outside of my body, up in my head.  And I think it has been this way for a long time, which is a big reason for my struggles with weight and food addiction.  Before I saw him, I managed for split seconds every now and then to be able to become grounded in myself.  And every time I did, for that split second, the food cravings would disappear completely.

Now, after his session, I am able to ground myself and feel centered for longer periods, which is really helping with healthy eating and feeling more peaceful.  Which in turn, will help us conceive, I'm sure!

Shifting thoughts

I’ve been finding myself in a very different place the last few weeks with my thoughts directed towards desires and dreams other than conception.  Our engagement has made me want other things in my life – most notably to be physically happy with myself for our engagement party and in a wedding dress.  I want to be able to look back at photos and be happy with the person I see in them.  Right now, I wouldn’t be able to do that.  And I know it will take more than a month or three or five of consistent effort in order to achieve that goal.

I am grateful that this has motivated me to begin to lose some weight and to follow some of the fertility eating I have learnt about, but I worry that, as an over 40 mum to be, I simply don’t have time to lose the focus towards having a baby.  Yet, it could also be that very shift away from the journey, along with fertility eating, that helps us to become pregnant!

I don’t know.  I guess I just need to keep living my life and take each day as it comes.  Just being together is the important thing.  As well as doing what is right for us.

What is right for us is to be happy together and to not feel any pressing time-line on our lives.  There are people wanting us to throw an engagement party right away, there are people shocked that we aren’t setting a date and putting wedding plans into full swing.  There is the over 40 body clock saying I don’t have any time to wait to have a baby.  There is my strong need to look better for photos and a wedding dress and to feel happy with myself.

There are the what if’s.  What if I get pregnant soon?  What will happen to the wedding, my goals to look better, the honeymoon?!  What if I don’t get pregnant soon?  Will I get too old?  Will we not ever have children?  What if I can’t lose weight?  How will that affect things?

What if?  What if?  What if?  

I have moments of living in the moment and not worrying, of being content with the way things are, with doing things the way we want to and when we are ready to, of simply taking one step at a time toward my own personal goal.  But I have equal moments with all these thoughts pounding around in my head.

Today, because I am home sick, and not eating particularly well as a result,  I am in a darker place than I wish to be.  I just want to cocoon myself with some food and a movie and wallow in this illness.

I know I will shift out of this place when the momentum of a week of good food, exercise and a smaller waist, will help me feel like I am moving forward towards my goals.  And I know that getting pregnant isn’t going to stop me continuing to move towards a healthier me.  And I know that becoming healthier could mean a more fertile me.  And I know that it doesn’t matter how long we take to do the engagement party and wedding thing.  But I just SO need to look better for that, not for D although that would be nice, but for me, for my own happiness and joy in the celebration.  Oh, it’s all just twisting round and round in my head!  LET IT GO!

LET IT GO!

In my rational mind, I know that the only thing I can do is to stay focused on eating well, exercising, remaining stress-free, and living in the joy of being so happy with D.  Everything else will simply take it’s course.

Thoughts, support, friendship and advice are all welcome!  :):)

Sunday update

Today I am feeling a bit tired of the whole ovulation tracking thing!  I am thinking of giving it a rest for a while and just going with the flow.  With all the different methods we have done, we still don’t really know when I ovulate.  We have a pretty good idea but nothing concrete.  So, as long as we stay aware of a rough area of time within my cycle, that is good enough for now!

Of course, next cycle I may feel refreshed and want to start trying to track it again but for right now, I need a break!

I’m still taking all my tabs and going for the tests.  Still going to the acupuncturist and doing mostly (!) all the right things.

Last night was the biggest challenge of all in regards to no alcohol.  We went out to a friends for a bbq.  All good.  I brought my de-alcoholised wine and drank that along with water.  No problems!

But then…

… out came the 22 year old Port that we had given this friend a year ago.  Oh no!  It smelt divine.  I could imagine it’s delicious flavour swirling around in my mouth.  I smelt it from D’s glass and want to curl up in ecstasy!! 

It was the ONLY time not drinking alcohol has been really really really mean!!!!!  :) :)

So, we made a deal that should I get another period, I will treat myself to some of this beautiful port!  mmmmmmmm…

I’m enjoying the lots of vegies aspect to the fertility diet from You Can Pregnant  Over 40, Naturally.  My favourite snack is now celery with almond spread.  The idea comes from my naturopath and works perfectly with Sandy’s advice on nutrition.

5%

Something different has been occurring the last couple of days.  Normally when I get sad, I tend to lean towards certain types of food.  But the couple of days, that hasn’t happened.  The opposite has been occurring instead.  I have found myself leaning toward healthy food, vegetables mostly.  I am finding a simplicity and peacefulness.

I wonder how much of it is related to my new book You Can Get Pregnant Over 40, Naturally by Sandy Robertson.  I like her chapters on fertility food.  I have loved her meditation CD.  I truly believe these are helping shift my focus.

And this morning, I have read some encouraging articles about conception and weight.  Both articles have said that losing just 5% of ones body weight, highly increases ones fertility.  That just seems so do-able.  5%.  Sigh of relief.  It’s not saying what BMI you need to be, it’s not saying you need to lose 20 kilos, it’s just saying 5%.  That feels like no pressure, no expectations, no great demands, no insistence, no stress.

• So, I find myself not being stressed by this issue anymore.
• I find myself eager to continue listening to the meditation CD and act upon the advice in Sandy’s book.
• I find myself feeling calm and peaceful within this sadness that is slowly passing through my system.
• I am finding myself turning towards healthier options and being satisfied very quickly.
• I am finding myself at peace with feeling healthier in my body.  The thought of weight loss has often brought about scary feelings within me.  But not today.  Today there is just a sigh of release and a welcoming of the new feelings and sensations.

Kiara, my kitty, is sprawled out on the desk as close to my computer (and me!) as she can be.  Cats are just so cute.  She looks up at me lovingly, so relaxed and contented.  She just oozes peace and contentment and stillness.  She is such a delight!


She stretches out with her paw and rests it on my arm.  Her purrs are loud and soothing.  Her eyes are half shut, relaxed and sleepy.  She nuzzles in and drifts off into cat dreamland.

She is simply adding to this wonderful feeling that is slowly being generated within me.  God bless her!

A new book.

Many months ago when I first began researching the net for pregnancy over 40, I came across Sandy Robertson’s websites and blogs and her book You Can Get Pregnant Over 40, Naturally.
   



I wanted to buy the book right then and there.  But I thought, no, we are just getting started and we are doing it with the support and guidance of our naturopath and acupuncturist.  We will be pregnant in no time!

Now, we are in Cycle 8 and I am delighted to say, I have bought and downloaded her book.  Yea!
I am looking forward to reading what she has to say, the guidance and advice that she has to offer.  I am looking forward to finding peace in the process once more.  I am looking forward to following her advice on nutrition.
 
I ignore the chapter on weight because worrying about that is only problematic for my stress levels.   I already know all the medical stats as well as all the naturopathic healing, support and successful results.   The issue of weight in conception and pregnancy, and generally, is not as cut and dry as a couple of paragraphs.  Those who haven’t ever had to deal with it, will never really understand the issues involved.  There is so much more to it.  What is important is being healthy and fit and having all the right hormonal and vitamin balances in the body. 

Thus her chapter on nutrition is going to be invaluable to me.  Eat well and exercise, reduce stress. Eat more fruit and vegetables.  They are important factors in conception and having a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.  Food is the one area that I struggle with and need to manage more effectively.  I have so much trouble getting my spiritual and physical self connected.  With any luck, Sandy will be able to assist me with this.

She also has a meditation CD that I can download.  I think this will also be very helpful for me.

All these things, I hope, will bring about a more peaceful me and a physical me that is more receptive to conception.  A healthier me, a more connected me, a more relaxed me, a pregnant me!!