14 weeks pregnant

Last week was great!  I felt so much better.  I did a good weeks work and starting exercising again.  It was great to get the all clear to be able to do so!

This week, the nausea and tiredness have come back and I'm flattened again.  I guess that is the name of the game when you have your first baby at 47 years of age.  I"m going with the theory that bubbie is having a big growth spurt!  :)

I am grateful for a good doctors appointment yesterday and emotionally, I feel better for it.  My doctor had been away for a few weeks, so I was really happy to connect with her for the first time with this pregnancy.  She was so excited!!

She did a doppler scan and we were both excited to have found bubbies heartbeat.  It was a relief and a thrill all at the same time.  So, after a week of feeling quite anxious and nervous, I am finally starting to relax into the pregnancy a little bit.  I am really looking to when he/she is kicking around inside me and I get constant reassurances!

We got the results of our 12 week scan last week and everything looks great.  Our risk factor for Downs etc is very low and all test and images show a healthy baby and pregnancy.  Another sigh of relief!

Today, I have to not feel guilty about work and just take care of myself.  Bubbie and my health is the most important thing.  I am so grateful to be able to work from home and be able to take the time when I need it.  And I have an understanding brother for a boss!  Blessings.

I thought I would post a little video of bubbie doing jumps inside my womb during our 12 week scan.  The file didn't come over very well, so hubbie put the one good jump we got on video into a loop.  Jump and slide back down, jump and sliiiide back down!

I AM...

I am pregnant
I AM pregnant
I am PREGNANT!!


Today I went to see my kinesiologist.  What an amazing woman she is.  I told her that I was pregnant but I didn't like the place that I was in.  I was worried and stressed and tired and I knew that it wasn't good for me or the baby.

I walked out of that session feeling like a different person.  The excitement is back, the trust is back, the surety that we are succeeding is back.  The loving connection with our little one is back.  My grounding is back and my spiritual connection is back.  I feel happy!

I never mentioned the word "trust" to her, but it came up several times throughout the session.  What also came up, over and over, was my fear, anxiety and worry.  Fear of disappointment.  Fear that I will be disappointed again.

It turns out that the fear and worry were not just on a surface level but were emerging deep from my unconscious.  A lifetime of fear and worry was emerging and being reflected into worry for my baby.

Carolyn cleared all of that.  She reopened my connection to Spirit and aligned my energy once more.  I'm amazed at how much better I feel.  I feel much more secure in the process.  I feel greater Trust that things are working well.

She asked me if I could remember a time when I completely trusted in the process of my life, of the universe unfolding.  And I couldn't.  I don't remember ever feeling like that.  Now it's time that I did.  Anytime the fear emerges, I need to delete that file and replace it with the new one of Trust and acceptance.  Of living in the moment.  And in this moment right now, I AM PREGNANT!  I rejoice in that, I feel the joy, I feel the love for our tiny little bundle of cells that are still dividing and growing just like the nurse told me that they were.

After the trust question, Carolyn asked me if I could remember a time when I felt truly at peace and calm with my life.  And I do remember that.  Just one period in my life.  It was just before I met Dave.  A few months before, I had broken up from a destructive relationship and I was just beginning to get my life back again.  I don't know why, or how it happened, or how to recreate it, but for several months, my life was good.  I was constantly feeling the peacefulness of life, the simplicity of life.  I was always taking time to connect with Spirit and centre myself.  I was eating well, exercising daily, with no problems or addictive behaviours or thoughts. 

I've often wanted to go back to that time in my life.  Perhaps now is the time to recreate it.  Perhaps now I am ready.

Thank you Carolyn for helping me to move past the fear that I have been living with the last few weeks.  Thank you Spirit for leading me to Carolyn a few months ago.  I do credit her as a significant part of how we were able to finally conceive.

I asked her if she knew of any meditiation CD's that would be good for me to stay connected.  And she has given me some ideas.  So, I'm going to follow through on that and hopefully find the exact right one for me.

I Am Pregnant!!
:):):):):):)

Third blood test

We had our third blood test on Monday - at 5 weeks/Day 35 - and things are still looking good.  My HCG levels had risen to 1938 - up from 265 on Friday.   Working on the premise of them doubling every two days, I didn't expect them to be that high.  However, the nurse said that was where they would expect them to be and on looking up an on-line chart, it was confirmed.

HCG Levels in Single and Twin Pregnancy
Days from LMP*	HCG Range** for Singleton Pregnancy	HCG Range for Multiple Pregnancy
28	9.4-120	9.5-120
33	300-600	200-1,800
36	1,200-1,800	2,400-36,000
40	2,400-4,800	8,700-108,000
45	12,000-60,000	72,000-180,000
70	96,000-144,000	348,000-480,000

Going from this chart, it looks like we may only have one, not two bubbies growing.  But until confirmed, I am going to continue talking to two of them!

Our first scan has been cancelled now.  This clinic will just wait for the seven week scan (rather than doing a six week scan as well), which in my case, will be seven and a half weeks (fingers crossed!).  I am a little disappointed, but I understand.  They feel that there wouldn't be much to see any earlier than that and there certainly wouldn't be a heartbeat, so it wouldn't be to my advantage to scan earlier.

As long as I keep getting regularly checked with blood tests so I know things are going ok, then that will be alright.

It is up to me how often I get blood tested.  The OB says that at this stage, they will do whatever I need to feel comfortable and not stressed.  Isn't that amazing???  It's such a great clinic!  And our OB Louise is just awesome.  And while I am debating with myself about getting tested on Friday, I think Monday will be fine.  A week will give us a really good idea on what is happening and besides, it is stressful waiting for the results of tests as well!!

I am still nervous about it all.  I think it will be quite some time before that disappears.  Each test has helped me to feel better and I hope that each upcoming test will continue in the same way.

In the meantime, I keep remembering to TRUST.  It helps me so much to just let go and accept.  It brings a joy over the pregnancy and a feeling of letting go of all the worries that I have.  I just have to say it constantly, because I keep forgetting!

There are so many people out there, including us, praying for us and have their fingers crossed that our pregnacy continues to blossom.  It is wonderful to know how we are being supported by our friends and family and also by Spirit.

Treatment sessions and the 2WW

The Two Week Wait.
It is most definitely here.  And once again, things are different this time around.

I've never had a problem with the TWW before.  We've waited the two weeks every cycle for 4 years.  It's always just been part of the course.  Whether through stimulated cylce or natural.  But this time, with the hopes and dreams I have for this cycle, and the way things have been going so well for the first time in one of my rounds, I started feeling the tension yesterday.

I also started feeling fears that embryos weren't growing or that something was going wrong.  And I realised what a roller coaster ride I am in for the next two weeks.

I've been in a lot of pain and discomfort and I feet the need for the next few days to really relax and take it easy and lay down a lot.  In fact, it has also been forced on me as well.  Even doing the dishes yesterday brought about abdominal pains.  But the moment I felt them, I stopped the dishes and lay down.

I understand where the fears are coming from, but I refuse to let them take hold.  Instead I've been focusing on Love and Light.  I've been meditating on them and feeling both of these flowing through me, through my chakras and into my womb.  Feeling the breath of God.

My kinesiology session yesterday was amazing and has really helped me to be able to feel these things.
The first thing she was led to were my ovaries which she said were dehydrated.  Makes sense.  They've gone through a lot.  She worked on them and also on stimulating the energy in my uterus, getting the blood flowing and getting it all ready to receive the embryos.

For my part, I have continued to drink 2.5 litres of water a day, and constantly go to the toilet!!  Yet despite all the water I am drinking, my lips are really dry and sore and need constant lip balm - a sign of dehydration.  But I can't drink anymore than I am.  I would have to just stay on the toilet all day if I did!!!  :)  So, I'm also concentrating on eating foods that are hydrating as well as full of nutrients.

The kinesiologist also worked on aligning the energy throughout my body, allowing the channels to flow and making it easy for new little energies to find their way!  The words I left with are:

• Joy, acceptance and unconditional love
• Self worth, self love
• Trust and higher self alignment
• Hydration and Nutrition

The third one is perhaps the biggest for me - to trust and to stay aligned.  The Love and Light focus is helping with that.

And finally, my naturopath/masseur.  The fact that that appointment occurred the day before transfer is really significant.  The massages that I usually need, I won't be able to have when pregnant because she works on areas that can also encourage contrations.  So, it was wonderful to be able to have, what will hopefully be my last full massage for the next 9 months!  And once again, some of the points that she found were all about good blood flow to my uterus amongst other things.

A perfect pre-transfer day!

Ready

Day 14 and I’ve ovulated.  This means a normal, regular 28 day cycle.  What the??!!  That is unheard of for me!  So, I’m seeing it as a positive thing with the belief that my body has learnt from being pregnant for a brief time and has been reset to normal.  It has remembered what to do!

Positivity is reigning in my life today.  I’ve been sick for several days and I think the rest has been really good for me.  I’ve begun to change my story and have blogged about this on my other blog.  It is a good thing and I look forward to seeing how it evolves.

My doctor’s appointment is tomorrow.  Time to get things rolling for our first round of IVF.  With any luck, it won’t come to that, but I am now ready for it.  I’m looking forward to meeting a different OB with the hope that she is the right one for us.  She needs to have a positive approach to us trying to get pregnant over 40 and she needs to not dwell on my weight issues.  We know the over 40 and overweight statistics.  Just leave them in the background and stay focused on achieving pregnancy.  That is the support we need in this process.

And so be it!

Frustration

Today is the first day of my holidays.  I still have the accounting to do, but there is no more music camp or music course and no more school for 10 days.  The last week and a half were a real push.  I was pushing every second to get out of the house and then get through the day.  I am so grateful to be free for a little while.

The last two days of camp were good.  I enjoyed them and I felt my mood lift.  Then I realised that during that time I was starting to feel the pregnancy symptoms that I had before.  Lower abdomen cramping and sneezing.  And I started to think that I may be pregnant again.  Could that have explained my change in mood?

Then I learnt that it isn’t until after implantation that hcg levels begin to rise and pregnancy symptoms start appearing.  Today would only be day 6 after conception, if there is a conception, so it is highly unlikely.  But what are these symptoms I am having?

We had not intended to try again until the next cycle, to allow my body to get back to normal.  But for one afternoon, we felt great.  I was happy and relaxed and being together was wonderful.  We didn’t care about contraception. 

A couple of days earlier, I had wondered if I might have ovulated, but I wasn’t sure.  We both thought – what are the chances?  Not very good considering our history.  One in a billion.  Yet, here I am wondering if I’m pregnant, starting to “feel” pregnant (is it just in my head?) and, before a few hours ago, getting very excited.  Just the idea of being pregnant, feeling these symptoms again, such joy.

But now, I am just feeling depressed.  I saw the doctor today for another reason and talked to her about it.  In a week and a half, I will do a test.  At this stage, there would be no hcg levels.  No symptoms.  God, this waiting really sucks.

I was enjoying and looking forward to a few weeks of not worrying about conception.  Having a few drinks, painting the house, eating ham and soft cheese.  All the things I haven’t been doing!  Now, I don’t want to do that, just in case.

Just in case.  Am I destined for more disappointment in two weeks time?  At a time, that I am meant to be free of pregnancy thoughts for a little while.  It wasn’t intentional.  Just one of those things.  And it was a happy thing.  I wouldn’t take it back at all.  I wouldn’t make a different decision about whether or not to use contraception that glorious afternoon.  It was the right thing.

Well at the very least, I guess this is a step away from the miscarriage.  I just hope it is in the right direction.  Whatever way it works, I will always believe it is part of my journey.  Things happen as they are destined to and I’m tired of trying to understand why.  Just accept and hand it over.

A better day.

This morning I woke up feeling normal!  No deep sadness, no anxiety pains.  I didn’t have the overwhelmingly sad dreams that I have been having every night.  Wow.  It feels so different. 

Unfortunately, Dave heads off on Monday for another week away.  This is the time of year that he has to travel.  It is just bad timing for me.  Last time he was away (last week) was when my anxiety kicked in, and that was just 2 nights.  Hopefully I will be fine. 

I have a flute course for the week, so it will be something different and I will be spending the day with colleagues listening to one of the “Gods” of the flute world rather than in a little room on my own teaching my students.  That has got to be better for me!   It is a lot of travel every day as it is in the city and I live in the outer suburbs but today, for the first time, I am looking forward to it. 

Today is my last teaching day for three weeks.  (Aside from one exam student during the holidays).  I am looking forward to my last student!  My three weeks “holidays” though are not holidays.  Next week – flute course.  The week after I am tutoring at music camp.  And the following week I have to get the EOFY accounting done. 

I really could do with a full week off, but I should be able to grab a few days here and there.  And if I go into Dave’s office to do the accounting, not only will I be with him, but I will be more focused and should get it done more quickly.

So, a better day today.  I am grateful.

Handing it over to God.  And Trusting.

Feelings after an early miscarriage

The thing with an early miscarriage is that you don’t get a chance to connect with your child.  A pregnancy that just never took, means that there was never a heartbeat, there was never a chance to feel your child, to really know that he/she was there.  You go through the early pregnancy symptoms - sore breasts, abdomen pains as ligaments start to stretch – but you never get to the morning sickness because your HCG levels never got high enough.   The pregnancy failed long before it ever really got started.

When you find out you are pregnant, you get so excited at the prospects that are ahead of you and you start to plan.  But you never actually get to the stage of putting any plans into action, because it ended all too soon.

And you realise that you never actually got your child.  The fertilised egg that you made didn’t go anywhere.  Your HCG levels never even got into the thousands.  There was no chance.  And you realise that you aren’t actually feeling the loss of a child, but the loss of the potential of a child for which you have longed for so long. 

And then you become scared that you won’t be able to get pregnant again.  And that if you do, you won’t be able to hold on to the next egg either and you will have to go through this all over again.  Or that maybe you will get further, maybe you will get to hear a heartbeat only to have to go through even greater grief of losing the growing child that you did begin to connect with.

So where does that leave me?

It leaves me with the only thing I can do.  To once again hand it over to God.  To accept that I cannot possibly understand the spiritual plan of my life.   To accept that there are never any answers.  To simply believe.  To be patient.  To trust that what is meant to happen in my life is happening and we are exactly where we need to be right now.  And to continue to slowly heal.

The wait is over

Well, the two week wait is over and the test was negative.  Four days later my new cycle started.  I couldn't wait for it to begin, so I could enjoy a glass of wine!  I still wasn't going to drink just in case the test was wrong.  But Wednesday came and Wednesday night the sound of a bottle cracking open was enjoyed by my ears for the first time in over a month!

I was feeling hopeful about this cycle for a few days.  I went to my weekly acupuncture appointment and when he felt my pulse he said there was something different about it.  Apparently, a pre-menstrual pulse feels different to a conceived pulse, and mine felt different than usual to him.  He wasn't committing to anything of course, but he told me to wait a couple of days and then do a test.  Which is what I did.  Lucky he didn't commit to anything!!

 

 

On Wednesday, I also had my appointment with my ayuvedic masseuse.  It was another good appointment.  A lot of what he did last time had held in my body and he was really pleased especially to see that my hips had stayed open and I was laying flat on the table, not slightly out of alignment.  This is an important one for fertility so I was really pleased to have maintained that. 

My energy had also stayed in alignment and my balance was good.  As a result, he was able to look further into my body.  According to him, my uterus was inflamed so he  worked on that.  I did ask him how much that could be because I was on Day 1.  And while that does affect it, it was not the sole reason.

He doesn't think I am far off being able to conceive.  I see him again in a month.  Every little bit helps.  But I am hoping that his work with him will make a big difference.

I go for acupuncture again today plus a painful massage treatment!  I put my back out last week, so I made the appointment longer to get some treatment on it.  It feels almost better now so this last treatment should do the trick!

Of course I am disappointed to be starting another cycle but it just seems to be part of the course of life now and I'm moving on.  Had we conceived this time though, we would have been able to announce our pregnancy at our engagement party in 2 months time!  That would have been fun!  Nevermind.  On to the next!

Woopsie!

 

 

 

As you know, we are not telling our friends and family IRL about our efforts to have a baby.  Ever since we began tracking my cycle 6 months ago, I have remembered every fortnight to put away the Maybe Baby and any other signs of our efforts to conceive before our cleaner and now friend, comes around.  That is… until today!

After she had been here for a little while, I finally remembered!  I wasn’t worried because I didn’t think she had been to our bedroom yet.  But I was wrong!  She had already gone around with the duster.

As she was finishing up for the morning, she said to me “I wasn’t snooping around amongst your things, but I thought I should let you know that as I was dusting, I came across the Maybe Baby by your bed.  Ooo, I thought.  I know was THAT is for!!” 

After my initial “oh no”, I was so grateful that she felt it was important to tell me and not hide the fact that she saw it.  I know I can completely trust her not to tell anyone – including my mother who she attends church with every Sunday!

Now, I don’t have to hide everything every fortnight! 




Instead we had a little chat about it and she was able to pass on her insight, wisdom and support.  She is a wonderful woman, who has gained much experience and understanding about life.  And she is excited for us!  And said that she would pray for us.  She also promised not to ask me every fortnight how it is all going or ask the question that is one of the reasons we aren’t telling people “are you pregnant yet?”!

The BEST thing about our conversation was when she said “And of course, you are the PERFECT age now to have a baby!”

”What”, I said, “You are the first person to ever say THAT

!”

She said, "Well of course you are.  You’ve had so many life experiences, you are more than ready to settle down and really give your all to raising a child.  You understand what is involved.  You have waited for the right person to have a child with.  You are committed to each other as you will be to your child.   You will have so much to give to your children. It’s the perfect time!”

Gee, I like that woman!!  Thhhrrrrr, to the people who say you shouldn’t have children over 40.  Come and talk to our wise and loving cleaner!!!  :) :) 

 

The last week of my cycle.

I like this time in the cycle.  You’ve done the planning.  You’ve done the work (if you want to call it work!  :) :) ).  You’ve done the progesterone test.

Now you just get to sit back and wait!

The waiting has a strong sense of anticipation and excitement, eagerness and hopefulness.  Yet it also comes with a sense of peace.  Either this will be the right timing or there is more time needed before we conceive.  I can see the positives in both sides!

Either way, I like this time!

In peace and hopefulness,

 

Postpartum Depression

I was doing a lot of browsing yesterday on over 40 pregnancy and over 40 mums.  I must say, if I wasn’t a glass half full person, I would be mightily depressed and unhappy right now!  Postpartum Depression, exhaustion from lack of sleep, not being able to bond with baby, not knowing what to do etc etc. 

Fortunately I also found quite a bit of good stuff!!  In particular from a series of books by Elizabeth Pantley.  I highly recommend going to look at this site and downloading some excerpts.  She has some great, stress-free, calming ideas!



It was the postpartum depression material that has kept me thinking over the last 24 hours.  Depression is in my family genes and I’ve had more than my share!  And it seems that PPD is more prevalent in over 40 mums. 

I read excerpts from Brooke Shields book Down Came The Rain.
I read about the changes in biochemicals that occurs both during and after pregnancy.
And I read about how over 40 women have become so established in their lifestyles and careers that the life altering changes and loss of independence that come with a baby, have the potential to bring on PPD.

Flower Power Moms blog post about postpartum depression was most interesting.

          “McCabe goes on to point out that the likelihood of increased anxiety for older mothers during pregnancy is exacerbated by the medical establishment—a process that augurs an uncomfortable ride after birth and a lack of postnatal bliss.

“This group is also put through a lot more medical intervention—many more tests may be performed and there are often suggestions of abnormality in the baby or danger for the mother.””

Fortunately, even though a part of is concerned that I will be susceptible to it, I find myself optimistically not in the least bit worried! 

Firstly, if it does occur, I have wonderful support in both Queen Naturo and King Acupunct who will quickly help to rebalance my biochemcials.  I spoke to King Acupunct today at my appointment and he went “no worries!”

He said that the two biggest causes of postpartum depression were the dramatic changes in biochemcials and also the approach of the new mother to the change in lifestyle.  He said “you are a ‘glass half full’ woman and much less susceptible to it even taking into consideration the depression gene.”  I choose to completely agree with him!  :)



In regards to the change in lifestyle, I am welcoming it.  I have done all that I want to do with my career.  I have travelled, I have soul searched, I have loved and lost and now wonderfully, have loved and won!!  I want this change of lifestyle.  I want to be at home being a full-time mum and taking care of things around here.  I’ve been ready for this change for the last few years!

Also, I don’t have any expectations on what it is going to be like to be a mother.  I don’t have any expectations on what our baby is going to be like.  I don’t have any expectations on what the first few months are going to be like.  This can be one of the traps and causes of PPD.  When things just aren’t the way you wanted or expected them to be.

What I do completely acknowledge though, is the loss of independence.  That one could really affect me!  As well as the complete exhaustion, that will no doubt occur, coming along and taking away my rational thinking that is writing this post right now!  :)

But with the support of natural medicine,
with complete awareness of what could happen,
with the acceptance and welcoming of the lifestyle changes that will occur,
with no expectations,
with my half-full glass,
with willingness to accept help, 
and with the ability to be able to live in the moment and take things as they come,
I am thinking positive and believe that I will be okay even if the symptoms do come and take over for a while.

Live Peacefully In The Moment

Day 3, Cycle 8

New Years Eve was fantastic!!  How was your night??  I hope you all enjoyed seeing the New Year and new decade in your most favourite of ways!

About an hour before we left for our property, my period began.

There were some tears and working through the sadness during the two hour drive to our property.

But once we were there, we had a wonderful time!!  I was grateful for and greatly enjoyed being able to have a few drinks and cracked open my favourite bottle of red wine – Wolf Blass Grey Label Shiraz.  I could have stayed up all night, but by 3am we headed to bed and slept for just a few hours.  I guess that’s the problem being an early riser – you go to bed late and still wake up early!!  But I woke up refreshed this morning after a wonderful nights sleep.

I need to move back into a place of feeling positive about conceiving and simply going with the flow of life once more.  At the moment, I am feeling a little sad and dejected about it.  This is the first time I have truly felt this way at the beginning of a new cycle. 

After the GYN told me she believed I was ovulating and that all the tests for both of us were good, I began to feel more hopeful about our chances.

Now I need to go back to the stress-free, relaxed, let things come as they do, approach to life and conception that always works well.  I think it might be a little harder to find now, but just writing this is helping it to come back just a little!

The last day of the year…

I can feel it in my bones – 2010 is going to be a GOOD year!!

I don’t know what it is, but as the year is drawing to a close, I am feeling better and better about the next year.  Positive, excited, hopeful, eager, at peace. 

Is anyone else feeling similar emotions and thoughts about 2010?

We are spending tonight’s celebration at our property in the country.  400 acres of wilderness!  I’m so excited about it!  It is a REALLY hot day here today and the property is terrible in the heat, so we are going up late afternoon in order to get there around sunset.  I have sparklers, glow in the dark necklaces and frisbees and all sorts of other things!  Out there in the pitch black they are going to look great!

One great exciting thing to start the year off is that our new Canon SLR camera arrived today!!  We are SO excited!  I am so looking forward to being able to take really good photos and displaying them on here as well as around our home etc.! 

Today is Day 31 of my cycle and we are waiting to see if there will be a Day 1.  [My last cycle was 31 days and the two before were 32.]  Which means we are also waiting to see whether I will be drinking alcohol tonight for New Year or still being alcohol free.  My preference of course is that I’m pregnant!  Of course!!

However, if my period comes tomorrow or the day after and I’ve missed out on New Years drinks then that will be disappointing as well!!  :) :)

For some reason, I haven’t wanted to do a pregnancy test.  We have family visiting and we still aren’t telling anyone about our pregnancy efforts.  So, it is a little awkward.  And I think a big part of me wants to be able to run around the house and yell out my excitement when the result is positive!!  But, the family are leaving on Tuesday, so if there is no change by then, then we will do a test!  And hopefully run around in excitement!! 

In the meantime, I am feeling good about myself and us and our lives.  I am happy in the moment and content with the day.

I like that this is the predominant feeling I have, even though there are some other things going on that I am not happy about.  Within the challenges, there is a centre to my being.  A growing connection to my spirituality that has been dormant for a little while.  And I believe that it is my other blog – Creating Peaceful Thoughts – that is re-awakening this connection with my Spirit and very importantly, allowing me to feel more peaceful and stress-free in order to conceive and grow our child!

So, a peaceful waiting is in order for the next few days.  And whether tonight is alcohol free or not, I’m going to have a great time!!

Happy New Year, Everyone!!!

The latest news

With great joy, I set out on my walk yesterday. I guess it is too soon for my knee. 5 minutes later, I had to turn around and head back home.

I've made an appointment with the doctor though and will see her on Friday. D has a friend in the MRI department which may help us with the process.

I’ve also called Curves to sadly put a hold on my membership until this is sorted out. Sadness mixed with relief. Strange really.

Today’s picture is not of bubbies obviously! I wanted to put up a picture from one of the bushwalks that I’ve done. The idea being to activate that side of myself again. It is such a peaceful setting.

Something is shifting in me. I’m not really sure what yet, but my thoughts are changing. My body is changing. I feel the possibility that the treatment I am on for PCOS is setting things right. I am excited, shocked, unbelieving, grateful, amazed at the prospect!

After all these years of struggle, could it really have been PCOS that were causing all the symptoms? Could it be that our desire for a child, is also the instigator for the new season of my life to finally arrive? For the healing of my body - physically and mentally - and therefore spiritually and emotionally as well!

QN added one extra herb to my mix yesterday – THE herb – the herb she believes may have caused my migraine – also the herb that is the main one she wants me to take. I have some migraine signs and I’m being very caref ul. So far, so okay though.

The last two days have been very restful. And restful without feeling guilty. D is away for work and I have had no commitments or obligations. School goes back tomorrow and I have a crazy week. I hope my neck and knee hold up.

As for the rest of the day, it is time to potter around the house and get more things organised and clean and peaceful.

A new cycle begins!

I very much doubt that I have ever been so happy about starting my period! :) But today I am! It's the start of a new cycle and I am excited.

With no ovulation in my last cycle, I am eager to begin the new one. One of the disadvantages in not ovulating was that I didn't know when I would begin my period. And as my cycles are irregular, I was in a pattern of simply waiting to be able to start again. Now it is here! And sooner than I expected. An almost normal cycle.

I am so looking forward to seeing what this month brings. I am hopeful and have one of those good feelings about things going well. Yet, I am also not worried if our dreams aren't realised this month. Acceptance as well as hopefulness are all part of the game!

As I write this, a smile has emerged. Excitement, hopefulness, a good feeling of success. Such good emotions. I'm smiling!

Still no ovulating day.

Day 24 of our first cycle watching it through Maybe Baby. Still no change to show that I've ovulated. mmm. Yet its just the first month of being pro-active, first month of beginning the naturopaths fertility path. The tests go to the hormone clinic today, so we will find out what is going on soon and on Wednesday I go to the doctors to start that process.

So, its far too early to be unhappy about anything. Nevertheless, the emotion has been simmering away today. 'Why hasn't there been a change?', I keep thinking.

D reminded me today that we don't want to get consumed by this process and he is absolutely right. Yet, its a bit hard when every morning I need to take the test and three times a day need to remember to take my pills, with two lots of them needing to be an hour away from food!! Yes, the phone comes into play giving me reminders to do those two pill pops!

I am one to always try to look at the positive in things. This is no different. I'm not going to dwell on negative thinking because there is so much positive thinking to be had. Why is it though, that the negative is easier to fall into than the positive??!! :):) The positive is SO much better!

lisawarninger.wordpress

The difference in me, I realised this morning, is a huge one from where I was two years ago. We all have conflicting emotions sometimes, happiness and sadness together, excitement and tiredness together etc. In the past, mine has mostly been underlined with the sadness. Happy, bubbly me with the sadness lingering hidden, simmering away.

Now things are different. I have felt a little sad this morning, yes. But underneath it all, I am still so very happy! I'm peaceful with it, content with it, eager to be a better me with it.

And while I am keen to become pregnant asap!!!, there is another part of me that wants to get fitter first, to lose some weight first, to really re-establish my healthy eating patterns. I want to be the best me I can in order to healthily nourish and grow our child.

So, this early stage is all about discovering what is going on, what is working or not working for us and having a lot of fun in the process!!!!! And if I get pregnant tomorrow, woohooooo!!!!! And if I get pregnant in a few months a little fitter and healthier, woohhoooooo!! to that too!

Things are as they are meant to be.

And I feel happier already for having written this post!

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Focusing on what is.

So now that I have looked at a few opposing thoughts and studies in my last post, it is time to just get on with things. All things are as they are meant to be and all we can do is try to live out our dreams and accept what is. I am excited about this journey. I am looking forward to the adventure ahead and that is where I want to focus my energy. I am unique human being with my own life journey to play out. I can't wait to experience new things whatever they may be. I am excited at the prospect of bringing forth a child of our own. The time is right. It is meant to be. I am happy. And you can't beat that!!!

My addictive scouring of the internet has come to a rest. Now I just want to look at the websites I have found a little more thoroughly. I was glad to find quite a few Aussie sites. They will be really good for local resources!

The only thing I am yet to find is another over 40 woman going through the same process and doing a personal blog about it. So, if you know of anyone out there, please let me know!

Over 40 pregnancy - opposing opinions

I have been addictively scouring the internet over the last few days collecting links and information about getting pregnant, being pregnant, and the ins and outs of newborns. And of course, seeking out anything to do with having a first child over 40!

There is so much good and positive information out there and I am SO glad. Because I come under two traditionally thought of as "bad" categories for childbearing. Over 40 and overweight. Thank God there are lots of good things said about both and that I am one to look on the positive side of life, because if I was to get stuck into believing and being consumed by the derogatory opinions, I would be so downcast and negative it wouldn't be any viable setting for conception.

What I find most interesting, is that in most of my reading, all the studies and research that arrived at negative results comparing age and body type during pregnancy, not one of them described how the 'overweight' women take care of themselves during pregnancy. Are they eating unhealthily or have they established good eating habits? Are they getting the appropriate exercise or are they sedentary in their lifestyle? Were there pre-existing medical conditions or were these women perfectly healthy before pregnancy. Just because you are over 40 or just because you are overweight, does not automatically mean you are unhealthy. I kept wishing the studies had looked at these things.

These are the factors that make the difference. Talk to both my naturopaths and they will tell you over 40 and overweight is not a problem for conception! They have seen it time and time again, because they are dealing with woman who are actively conscious of what they need to do to take care of their children before conception and after conception.

So when I came across this study in several sites, while it took me a while to read it and fully understand it, I was so glad. Here was the study I had been wishing for! Here is a section of the study.

Women who followed a combination of five or more lifestyle factors, especially dietary changes, had a more than 80% reduction in their risk of ovulatory infertility compared with those who undertook none of these changes.
This inverse relation was similiar in subgroups defined by women's age, parity, and body weight.
A combination of five or more low-risk lifestyle factors, including diet, weight control, and physical activity was associated with a 69% lower risk of ovulatory disorder infertility.

I am one of those. After a lapse over the last few months, I am regaining my fitness, I am regaining my good eating habits. I have always taken care of myself with the right supplements under the guidance of my naturopaths. I drink two litres of water a day. I have given up alcohol. I am reducing my stress levels. I am pro-active in our journey for a child.

According to one article, just a drop of 5% - 10% of your body weight increases fertility by 50%. Regardless of the facts and figures, my returning to good exercise and eating habits is bound to produce that! And if nothing else, I can imagine that this will make things a little more physically comfortable as my belly grows!

There was one article I came across, though, that has struck a chord with me regarding being overweight.

Researchers from Adelaide University in Australia said that obese women have changes in their ovaries that could make it hard for eggs to become embryos.
Other work has shown that obese women take longer to get pregnant, even with regular menstrual cycles.
Dr. Rebecca Robker said that fats in the blood and body may change the metabolism of an egg, making it harder for an embryo to develop.
The study followed 96 women getting fertility treatment.
Researchers took readings from eggs collected from the women and found chances in metabolite and androgen levels.
"Our research shows that obesity ... changes the environment in the ovary which bathes and nourishes a woman's developing eggs," Robker said.

This is one study I am keen to take to the wonderful Naturopath Queen for her opinion!

In the end, there are valid factors to be aware when having your first baby over 40.

• It may take longer to get pregnant
• There is a greater chance of multiple pregnancy
• You're more likely to develop gestational diabetes.
• You may need a C-section.
• The risk of chromosome abnormalities is higher.

Some of these factors are a result of co-existing medical problems without factoring in pregnancy. Us over 40 somethings aren't 25 anymore. As a general rule, we do need to be more aware of our health. Gone are those carefree 20's! Yet those of us that are conscious of these factors are much more likely to take better care of ourselves during and before pregnancy than a carefree, accidently pregnant 25 year old without the life experience behind her and the readiness, committment and strong desire to have a child.

I am a strong, centered, 'know who I am' woman who has lived her career and many life experiences.
After meeting and experiencing many Mr. Wrongs, I know I have met the man who is a wonderful match.
I am so ready to devote myself to having, loving and raising a child with the man that I love dearly and am totally committed to.
I have no pre-existing health conditions that could be aggravated by the demands of pregnancy.
With the proper pre-conception and pregnancy care, there is every reason for me to know that I can have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy child.

My first post - trying to get pregnant over 40

Greetings to the blogworld!

This is a new blog for me. I used to blog a long time ago in another lifetime. Since then, so much has changed.

My title is pre-emptive. I'm not there yet, but we are working on it! And the desire to record our journey, for both ourselves and for our future child, has motivated me to blog the process.

It will also be wonderful to meet other mums - especially older new mums! And to learn and share all the tidbits that come along with pregnancy and parenting. At 40 years old, it will certainly be an interesting time.

I went looking for a quote today that would start the ball rolling and found one that is so appropriate to a first post and to the starting point of our dreams.

"Things are as they are and will be brought to the issue destined"
from 'Being' by Susan Hayward

A working philosophy I believed in for a long time. One that keeps me centered, in the moment and accepting of all that comes to be.