Thursday, August 29, 2013

Starting a new life and a new blog

Dave and I have made the decision not to continue fertility treatments.  We are both so sad about not being parents, but neither of us can go through another round of IVF.  We are both emotionally and financially spent from it and I am completely physically spent as well.  We don't have it in us anymore.

If by some miracle we conceive naturally with a good embryo then we will be so happy.  The chances of that are unlikely.

So that's it.  It's time to move on.  I can't believe it has ended this way.  I never once doubted that we would have children, but the journey has ended and then is no giggling and crying baby for us to hold and love.

I want to thank everyone for being there in blogger land for us.  Thank you for your support and encouragement and words of wisdom.  I am so grateful to have had you holding my hand along the way.

I've started a new blog. It's called Beyond The Dream of Motherhood.  I would love it if you continued to visit me there and share in my journey beyond infertility.

Love and Light and best wishes,

Wednesday, August 28, 2013


It's confirmed.  There is no pregnancy.  It's over.  The end.

Dave and I will have to talk about where we go from here.  Is it another round (which I just don't think I have in me) or is it accepting that we are involuntarily childless and moving on from infertility?

I was disappointed today to find, for the first time in all my internet wanderings, sites devoted to the involuntarily childless.  To come across these sites today of all days. It's heartbreaking.

However they have helped me to consider the possibility that that may be my new life.  That I may have to make that adjustment and find new dreams.  I've started bookmarking them in my reader.

If that is the case, it will be time to say goodbye to this blog and start afresh.  New blog, new blogger name, new blogger links.  My decision on continuing IVF is probably 50/50.  Desire versus ability to do be able to do it again is a tricky path to walk.

The end of the 2WW

I've been struggling with this 2WW.  Its been the longest one ever.  The other day I realised why.  I am well.  I am healthy.  With all the other 2WW, I have been dealing with one thing or other - the complications from a harvest, reactions to the hormones, etc etc.  This time, however, I haven't had to deal with any of that.  It was a straight frozen transfer - no surgery, no hormones (except Crinone after the transfer).  There has been nothing else to occupy my mind!

So this morning I gave in two days early and did a home pregnancy test.  It was negative.  I called the clinic and organised to have my blood test today to confirm.  But I feel it is just a formality.  The home test would have been accurate at this stage of the game.

I am heartbroken.  Again.  Nemo hasn't stayed with us.

We are left with a major decision.  Can I go through another round or do we close the door?  I just don't think I can do it again.  But for us not to have children, to let go of the dream of our own family?  I don't know about that either.

I really felt like it was going to work this time.  I was so confident.  Nemo was the one.  Now I'm left numb again.  I've shut down.  I know I will come out of it again.  I did before.  For now though, it's hard.

I have the day at home today and the time to be able to grieve once more.  I am grateful for that.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Nemo's come home!

Yesterday was transfer day and everything went well!

My feelings of non-chalance went through a few different phases as they day drew closer.  But nothing really stuck.  Some nerves set in at one point.  There were feelings of anticipation.  But even on the day, I just went about my day as normal.  Although the comment from one of my students was interesting...

The transfer wasn't till midday, so I popped into school to do a few catch up lessons.  My first student said "You are in a good mood today!" and she only saw me the day before.  She was right, I was feeling really good.  Whether it was the fantastic swim I had after school the day before or the fact that Nemo was coming home, who knows.

The thought "Nemo is coming home today!" popped into my head as I was driving to school.  Something shifted in me then.  Maybe that was what changed my mood as well!!
When I told Dave, he said that one of his customers referenced "Finding Nemo" in a phone call the day before.  Freaky!

So, we arrived at the hospital and went into the room with the embryologist and our OB.  All I wanted to know was "Did Nemo thaw?"  There was a 10% chance that our embryo wouldn't make it through the thawing process.  I was so expecting that to be the case.  Just our luck, you know?!  Beat the odds again.  But not only did it thaw, it was flourishing.  Both women were really happy with how it was plumping up and progressing.  "Oh thank goodness!"

"Would you like to see it?", they asked.  "Yes Please!", we said.  And there it was - our beautiful embryo on the screen.  I felt such a rush of excitement and love - for a second - and then my defenses kicked in and I found myself pushing down that excitement in fear of what might happen.  Then that emotion shifted again, to one of going through the motions of the procedure with complete acceptance of the situation.  I think it is a good place to be.


When we walked out of the hospital doors, everything shifted again!  I had gone from not wanting to be pregnant again, to suddenly having our live and healthy Nemo inside me.  I felt like precious cargo and I SO SO SO SO SO want to pregnant again.  All of a sudden, I'm not frightened of it anymore.  All of a sudden, I'm excited.

Now, just one day later, I am talking to Nemo already.  I'm trying to listen to what it needs - or more precisely I suppose - what my body needs for Nemo to flourish.  I just like to think of it as Nemo talking back to me.

Now, it wouldn't have even implanted yet, but as far as I am concerned, I have a little life form living inside of me.  I'm not holding my breath, I'm still feeling very relaxed with no expectations of achieving pregnancy or going full term.  But there is a part of me that feels that this is different, that this one is going to work.  That this is a happy and 'excited for life' embryo.

So, my job now is to live my life happy and peaceful.  To go about my days, content in my activites, feeling a sense of accomplishment in my tasks and to also be careful about what I do and how much I do.   To be happy being less active and enjoying a 'holiday' from the busyness of life and the hard work of the heavy physical jobs that I love doing.  I will be content swimming more casually and no longer doing fast sprints and hard laps.  I will be content walking on the flat surfaces and not traipsing up and down all the hills!

I've been calling this round, IVF round 5.  But really, it is just finishing round 2.  Nemo is from my round 2 collection.  I had the polyp removed and wasn't able to do the transfer and Nemo, our one and only embryo from that round, was frozen.  The positive thing here, is that Nemo is younger than our last embryo and may be less damaged.  It was conceived a year ago!  Fingers crossed that works in our favour!

Love and Light

Friday, August 16, 2013

Frozen embryo transfer

Hi all!

It's been a month since I posted.  Where has the time gone?!  Last week I joined Dave on a work trip.  I had a great time while he was at work!  We stayed at a B&B that was on 400 acres of farmland.  It was perfect for me.  It was a little weird that was the B&B was actually the top story of their home and you are actually sharing their home with them.  But it was great for me. 

I had some company while Dave was gone long hours at work.  I explored the property, joined the husband on his rounds of the animals, learnt a lot about cattle farming and horse harness racing.  Wangaratta had an indoor swimming pool, so I was able to keep up my swimming. 

I had a car to drive around in because Dave's employee met us there, so I used his car.  I did a lot of touristy things, shopping and exploring places to eat for lunch.  Did a lot of walks around the place and generally really enjoyed myself.  I LOVED Wangaratta.  Such a great feel to the place and lots of things to do and see.  And the shopping in the city centre was superb.  No main shopping complex, just lots of little shops in the main streets. Lots of places that I loved. Fantastic!

It was a good week for me.  Much needed I think.

We have our frozen embryo transfer on Tuesday.  I've been going through the motions of the things to do to prepare for it, blood tests, timetabling, getting all the big physical jobs done in the house so I don't itch to do them when I need to be laying down and holding onto the embryo, etc etc.  But I don't think I have any reality of it.  I mean, I know its happening obviously, but it just seems like an event on the calender.

I thought I might be like this.  Just going through the motions of it all.  Then I remembered today that we have already named this embryo - Nemo.  That brought a bit of reality to me.  This one has a name.  And then I thought of writing in my blog.  That brings a bit more reality again.

And that brings - fear, nervousness, worry... I don't want to be pregnant again.  It would be an understatement to say that none of my experiences have been good ones.  But I do want to be a Mum and I do want to go through this process in order to get there.

I can't believe we are doing it again.  We keep getting told we are courageous to try again so soon after the last time.  But we are also being very supported by the fertility clinic. 

Our OB believes that I am very fertile, especially for my age.  That made me laugh.  You're kidding right???!!!  No, shes not kidding.  It's just that we needed to sort things out and find the right formula - polyp removal so that I can get implantation and the right balance in my blood so that I can hold a pregnancy, and of course, we need to find the right embryo.  That one little embryo that is still okay, that is not damaged by age or by genetics.  It makes me wonder that if Nemo doesn't work, would it be worth trying a full round again???  Think about that later...

She is so positive - our OB.  I so wish we had found her much earlier in our infertilty journey.  If she had gotten to me when I was 40, instead of 43, it might have made a huge difference.  But nevermind.  I am a believer in the universal plan, even if I have absolutely no idea what it is!

Someone said to me the other day - "Think about the future, but live in the present".  Words that we hear in different forms a lot.  But it struck home.  I am living more in the present, because I'm really starting to like my present.  Yes, in the future, I will need to sort out my work and financial situation, but right now, I'm loving the way my life is going.  I think about what I want to do for work and have put out a couple of feelers, but I don't have to worry about it right now.

Right now, I'm trying to heal from everything in my life.  Trying to find the new me and create a new life.  One free from the restrictions that have held me back from happiness and peacefulness and joy.  One that I am proud of and makes me feel like a worthwhile human being.  I think I'm a little bit further along in that journey, maybe, just maybe...

Oh and there's that little thing of our embryo transfer on Tuesday.  Wish us luck!

Love and Light