18 weeks pregnant

I sometimes think of transferring my words to a private diary.  There once was a time when I wrote not just for me, but for others who were finding support in their own journey's.  Things are different now.  I don't have the energy to devote to searching for others who are on the same path and to regularly follow blogs.  It's all I can do to get through the day - to try and keep up with my work schedule in between resting as much as I need to.  Many things have fallen behind, but I am content to focus on those two things - work and the health of my baby and myself.  We have put so much into this - emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually - our baby is the one absolutely important thing into which I need to place all my energy.

For those people who are still reading and commenting, I love going onto your blogs as well and I thank you so much for your support.  After all this time, there is something about hearing from people who know the story from the beginning and who have been supportive all the way through.  Those are the people that matter - both in the real world and the on-line world - and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Yes, I guess I am feeling quite emotional today.  Quite likely hormones!  Of course, it is also the slow moving of days, the trials that they bring and how sometimes they just wear you down.

The wonderful news is that bubbie is still doing SO well.  We had an OB appointment and another scan yesterday and we are all just sailing along.  Aside from the bleed at 6 weeks, there has never been one moment where there has been any medical concern for bubs.  And even that bleed was nothing to do with bubs - it was all outside of my uterus.  Bubs is just sailing through!  It is amazing and surreal and wonderful.

Our morphology scan is next week.  That is going to be such a milestone along the journey and I can't wait!  Of course, we have our fingers crossed that all will be good news, but going on the results so far - there is no reason why it shouldn't be.

As for me, I am waiting.  Waiting till the day that I can feel my baby moving around and kicking.  That will be a blessed day!  But it might be some time coming.  It turns out my placenta is in the front which means I won't feel bubs as easily.  A blessing for when I am trying to sleep further along the path (!), but a delay in the day that I will be so much more secure in our pregnancy.

In the meantime, I try to be relaxed and loving and peaceful.  I want to transfer those feelings onto  bubs so he/she also feels safe and loved and at peace.  Not always an easy task I tell you, but an important goal to continue to work on achieving.

16 weeks and kinesiology

16 weeks and still pregnant!

I had another doppler scan on Friday and there was still a heartbeat, so things are looking good!

I also had another kinesiology session where we connected with bubs and found out how things were for him/her.  I just flipped through my previous posts and realised that I hadn't talked about the first appointment!

So, I've been seeing a kinesiologist for many years now.  She is an amazing woman who has gradually changed my life!

A few weeks ago, I had my first appointment with this pregnancy and for the first time in any of my pregnancies, we were able to tune into bubs and see what he/she wanted or needed or had to say.  The fact that we could do this was just so amazing to me and really helped me to feel much more secure in the pregnancy.

In this appointment, Carolyn first asked if bubs wanted or needed anything.  All he/she wanted to was to make sure that he/she took on more of Dave's DNA as he/she grew.  Bubs wanted that for us, to ensure that there was more of Dave in him/her than there was of our donor.  I thought that was just the loveliest thing to ask for and to want for us.  What a beautiful, generous soul is our bubs!

In the second appointment. bubs said that he/she was really aware of my fears and tuning into my fears for him/her as well as some other fears in my life.  I wasn't happy about that at all.  I don't want to be putting my fears onto our baby.  I certainly don't want him/her taking them on board.  So, we worked on that in the session and I have continued to work on that ever since.  And when I am feeling those fears I talk to bubbie and make sure he/she understands that this is my thing and he/she is not to take it on board.  That I am working on it and everything is ok.  That he/she is perfectly safe and sound inside my womb.  I think it helps both of us!  :)

The other things bubs needed was more omega 3's.  All other nutrition was fine, but he/she needed more nuts and avocados to help with development.  So, off to the supermarket I went!

I am so grateful to have this wonderful source to be able to help me with my journey through life and to be able to find out if there is anything our baby needs.  It is so incredible.  I know not everyone will believe in it, but for me, I have had years of seeing how it works, how it has made such a difference in my life, physically, emotionally and most amazingly, on a deep spiritual level.  It is an incredible blessing!

14 weeks pregnant

Last week was great!  I felt so much better.  I did a good weeks work and starting exercising again.  It was great to get the all clear to be able to do so!

This week, the nausea and tiredness have come back and I'm flattened again.  I guess that is the name of the game when you have your first baby at 47 years of age.  I"m going with the theory that bubbie is having a big growth spurt!  :)

I am grateful for a good doctors appointment yesterday and emotionally, I feel better for it.  My doctor had been away for a few weeks, so I was really happy to connect with her for the first time with this pregnancy.  She was so excited!!

She did a doppler scan and we were both excited to have found bubbies heartbeat.  It was a relief and a thrill all at the same time.  So, after a week of feeling quite anxious and nervous, I am finally starting to relax into the pregnancy a little bit.  I am really looking to when he/she is kicking around inside me and I get constant reassurances!

We got the results of our 12 week scan last week and everything looks great.  Our risk factor for Downs etc is very low and all test and images show a healthy baby and pregnancy.  Another sigh of relief!

Today, I have to not feel guilty about work and just take care of myself.  Bubbie and my health is the most important thing.  I am so grateful to be able to work from home and be able to take the time when I need it.  And I have an understanding brother for a boss!  Blessings.

I thought I would post a little video of bubbie doing jumps inside my womb during our 12 week scan.  The file didn't come over very well, so hubbie put the one good jump we got on video into a loop.  Jump and slide back down, jump and sliiiide back down!

Finished with artificial hormones!

Over the last two weeks, the fertility clinic has been weaning me off all the artificial hormones I have been taking to help support the pregnancy.  As of three days ago, I am no longer taking anything!

The difference is huge!  I feel so much better.  I know part of it is getting past the 12 week scan and part of it is moving into the second trimester.  But a big part of it, I believe, is no more extra progesterone and estrogen.  I'm not so tired, I can focus on work again and my nausea seems to be a bit better too.

What a relief!  The sense of freedom is huge.  I was on them three times a day for 10 weeks!  Had to lay down for 30 minutes after each dose, then couldn't go to the toilet for at least an hour afterwards.  It is so nice to be able to go to the toilet when I want to!!  lol!

I have one more blood test tomorrow just to make sure the levels are ok without any assistance.  Hopefully everything is fine.

.............

Another day has passed since I wrote the above and I'm getting restless now about bubs.  Its been 5 days since the 12 week scan and some anxiety is creeping back again.  Our next scan is in another 5 days when we see the OB for the results of the nuchal testing etc.

I just have to take each day as it comes and trust that everything is still okay.  I look at the photos and videos from the 12 week scan and that helps.  I feel certain things in my body and that helps.

One day at a time, one scan at a time!

Love and light
xx

12 weeks and bubs is going strong

Yesterday was our  12 week scan.  Everything is still going really well!  I almost can't believe it.  It is so surreal.  We are now in new territory having never gotten this far before in our previous pregnancies.

So much to catch up on in 6 weeks...

Last week was a terrible week leading up to our 12 week scan.  That was the week our last baby died in utero and I was paralysed with fear.  I spent a couple of days in bed with exhaustion and it took me a while to realise that some of that exhaustion was not the pregnancy but the unconscious fears I was living with.

Now that we have passed the hump of the 12 week scan my tiredness has gone back to its normal pregnancy exhaustion!  I can function again in otherwords!

We've had a scan every week since the bleed at 6 weeks just to check on everything and also to maintain my sanity!  :)  Each week was good and each week we saw our little one bouncing around inside me.  He/She is an active one, always on the move and seeming to play chasey with the scanner!  :) :) Measurements have been great every week.  It was good, and also necessary, to be reassured every week that things were progressing normally.

At 10.5 weeks, we had our first OB appointment.  That also went well and the doctor assured us that there was absolutely nothing that he was worried about.  Everything looked great.

We go back at 13.5 weeks to get the results of the nuchal test and other tests that I had - blood and urine.  The scan was a good start to the nuchal test with a measurement of just 1.4 mm.  As long as its under 3.5 mm, all should be good.  A normal measurement is 1.3 mm, so we are right on the mark!  So now we wait on the combined tests for the nuchal.  But we are feeling pretty relaxed about that.

As for me, I'm dealing with nausea quite a bit, particularly when I have to cook or prepare food, or sometimes just look at food!!  But I'm very grateful not to have had any vomiting.  A fantastic blessing to be sure!  :)

I've also got a lot of lower abdomen discomfort with the muscles and ligaments stretching and getting ready for expansion.  And then there are the times when my bowels/digestion cause me severe pain as everything moves around.  That is fun - not!  :)

Then there are the temperature fluctuations in my body, with heat at night being a particular problem.  But that does seem to be settling down a little bit.

I always said that if I was pregnant I would be grateful for every bit of pain and discomfort I was in.  And now that we are passed the 12 week mark, I most definitely am.  It was a bit harder before that, when I was also always on the edge of anxiety, but I always kept that thought in mind and tried to focus on the gratitudes rather than the fear.

There is still a question mark over us about our pregnancy.  With our history, I think it will always be there.  But the ? is a lot smaller now and we are happy to tell a few other people about our news.  So, keep your fingers crossed.  We are doing really well so far and can only pray that bubbie continues to grow as beautifully as he/she has been so far.  We love you little one!!

6 weeks, 6 days

6 weeks, 5 days and still pregnant!  We hope...

We had a bit of scary drama on Friday night...

I had a bleed.  We thought - thats it, its all over. Turns out, its not.  Big deep breath out.

It was 9.30 pm.  We called the clinic straight away and were very thankful that it was our fertility doctor who was on call that weekend.  She talked us through a few things, including that a bleed doesn't necessarily mean a miscarriage and suggested we go to the hospital for a scan.

By 4 am we had finally left the hospital with no clear result but with hope that things were still ok.  The scan showed that there was a yolk sac, but no proof of life.  At 5 weeks, 5 days it was too early to know.

The clinic got us in for a scan on Monday and wow!!, they detected a fetal heartbeat!  They were quite clear before the scan that it was very unlikely they would detect one at 6 weeks, but sometimes it happened.  Really what they were looking for was signs of the yolk sac and a healthy uterus.  They found that as well.

The scan showed that no bleeding had occured from the uterus, the lining was good, the sac was good, everything looked as it should.  And of course, a heartbeat!

So they believe the bleeding came from the cervix.  With all the hormones I am taking, the cervix has been weakened.  And before the bleed, I had done some vaccuming and mopping, which could have been the issue.

After having another little issue a few days later when I did some more vaccuming, we know that this is the cause.  So, I've been ordered off housework.  With Dave in full swing of work, he just not have time to take up the slack, so we have to get a cleaner.  Its not financially good for us, but it might only be for a few weeks, until I stop taking hormones and the cervix gains some strength.

Since then, I have been brown spotting every day.  I do wish it would stop.  While its not scary because it is nothing fresh, it still leaves us with mild anxiety as we wait for everything to heal.

The other difficulty is in the depth of my exhaustion.  I've tried to keep up walking believing that would be helping, but I've been ordered of that as well for the next few weeks.  It is just more important that all my energy goes into growing our baby.

So, a scare, and a few resulting frustrations.  But, I can live it with it all knowing that is ensuring the continuation of our pregnancy and the health of our growing baby.

Tomorrow we go for a follow up scan to make sure things are still developing as they should.  We will both sigh a big relief if this one is also good.  Considering my daily nausea as well as tiredness and muscular stretching pains, I think the chances are good!

4 weeks, 6 days

Wrote this nearly two weeks ago now...

I'm now 4 weeks and 6 days and my levels are going up really well.

In the first blood test, the HCG levels were a high 491.  I'm guessing that our little one implanted very soon after the transfer.

I had the second blood test today and was hoping for an HCG level of 1500.  It was 1547!

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

In the first test, there was an issue with low progesterone, but I hadn't had my dose that day yet.  They upped my dosage and things were fine this time.

The relief that things are progressing well is huge.  With the history we've had, it doesn't take me long to get concerned again, so I'm glad to be having another follow up test in 3 days.  I hope that as things continue to progress well, I will relax into the pregnancy more.

One of the reasons my concerns had increased in the last couple of days, was because I have no symptoms.  Breasts a little bit sore, but thats it.  I actually feel good!  It worried me that I wasn't feeling anything, no stretchy feeling, no nausea, I wasn't even tired anymore.  It's funny to really want uncomfortable symptoms, just to feel like I'm pregnant!

So, right now, things are good.  It's exciting to think of a little life form growing inside of me.
I will continue to take each step as it comes and try to enjoy the journey!
:)

The embryo transfer

It has taken two months to get there but we have gotten there!  The embryo transfer was yesterday and we are now in the two week wait.

Our donor has been amazing.  We have met up socially on a few occasions now and we all get along so well.  She is one generous and loving woman and I feel so blessed and grateful to have met her.
She was so worried about doing well by us and producing enough eggs for us to use, that when she told me she had gotten 24 eggs, she burst into tears with relief!  And said she did the thing in recovery when the nurses told her.  24 eggs!  Its staggering.

As she was only donating and not continuing to transfer herself, they were able to overstimulate more than is normal for a regular IVF round.  But not too much so that it damages the eggs.  To produce 24 though, is incredible.  They weren't expecting that many!

Of those 24, they chose 20 to fertilise - 10 using IVF and 10 using ICSI.  We got 9 ICSI embryos and 7 IVF embryos.  Amazing!  From them, we got 11 great quality embryos.  They chose an IVF one to transfer to me and the rest will be frozen.

We have never seen an embryo like the one I am carrying inside me now.  It had reached blastocyst stage by Day 4 and the embryologist told us that we couldn't have a better result!  Our embryos from my eggs never reached that stage before transfer.  Ours were always still at the early cell stage.  To see one looking like that, was fantastic.

Yesterday after the transfer I was feeling crampy and very fragile.  I rested, listened to my meditation CD's and thought positive, open, loving and receptive thoughts.  Today, I have that stretchy uterine sensation.  But as usual, it is a symptom that I can associate both with pregnancy and sometimes with being pre-menstrual.  So, no guarantees there.

Apart from a few little things I still have to do, I have taken two weeks off work for the Christmas break and will focus on staying relaxed and positive.  Oh, and get ready for everyone coming over for Christmas lunch!

The meditation CD's I have been listening to are awesome.  If anyone is reading this who is going through any kind of fertility, they are the ones to use.  It is a website called Circle and Bloom and they have CD's for any situation - both natural and medically assisted - before and after and during - as well as for general women's health.

There is so much to say - about our donor and what she has done/and wants to do for us - about the process - and about our hopes and dreams.  Right now, though, I am staying focused on the now.  On encouraging the little life inside me to implant and grow strong and healthy.  On staying relaxed for the next two weeks.

I will be back in two weeks to let you know the results.  If it isn't successful this time, there are 11 more little embryos waiting for us.  And while that thought helps us to remain positive, it certainly doesn't take away our deep desire for this one to be the one.

The Donors

So, the first thing I did, was to call our fertility clinic.

"Whats the story with donors now?"
"Well, we actually have three in the works at the moment!"
"Really!?  Oh my god! I can't believe it!"

And then the stories of them all came out.

The first donor 

She was overseas and ended up extending her stay


The second donor

She had come to the clinic through another patient.  However, before the lady who found her could start a round with this donor, she had to use her last embryo from her previous donor.  This was a success and she was pregnant!

Her new donor then volunteered to donate to another couple until the first woman had delivered and was ready to try for her second.  There was plenty of time for the donor to go through a round with another couple and she was keen to donate to someone else.

However...  the first lady was so distraught and upset and didn't want her new donor donating to anyone else.  "What if something goes wrong?  Then you won't be there for me.  You need to be there for me."
Okay, so we will wait until your pregnancy is well and truly stable.
Then it was "But I want you there as soon as I have delivered.  I want to get started on trying for a second baby straight away.  And what if you do a round with someone else and then decide you don't want to do it again?"

The donor decide to wait as she didn't want this lady being so distraught while she was pregnant.

Eventually, it came to a time that we met with this donor.  She was an amazing woman to be doing was she was doing and what she planned to do in the future in helping people to achieve their dreams of motherhood.  I'm really glad to have met her.  But, she wasn't the right fit for us.

In the meantime, after all that happened, we lost the chance to meet the third donor.

The third donor

She had also come to the clinic through another patient.  This patient then became naturally pregnant!
Once again, this donor wanted to donate to others.
In this case, though, the patient was more than happy for her to do so.  They waited until she was safe into her pregnancy and then all was good for the donor to help another couple.

However, because we were meeting with the first donor, the clinic linked her up with a different couple and we missed out.  I should mention here, that at this stage, we were first on the list to be connected with the donors.

I was so disappointed.  "We should have met with the first donor earlier, then we would have known"  blah blah...  you get the idea!

The next day, the clinic called.

Another lady had just been cleared to donate.  Would we like to meet her?  Yes yes please!!!

The fourth and final donor

Everything worked out as it should.  This lady is awesome.  She has also been through the IVF process with the same doctor as we did.  She has gone through the same trials and tribulations.  She had the same OB with the one pregnancy that went passed 8 weeks and then she had the same heartache when they lost that baby at 12 weeks.

Our stories are so similar.  We all get along so well including the hubbies.  We have the same feelings about how we would like things to be should we be successful.  It is a good fit.

Now, she has a beautiful little boy and two baby twin boys.

And she wants to give other couple the same chances that she had to become parents.

We have started the process.  We have both had our first appointments and things will slowly progress.
We are nervous, worried and excited at the same time!
We are taking each step as it comes.

.................

The Donor Journey begins

I just looked at my last post on this blog.  It was on August 29th, 2013.  Now on August 28th, 2015, I am posting again.  Exactly two years since our fertility journey ended.  I thought it was longer than that.

I just looked it up.  Tuesday, May 21st, 2013, was when we lost the baby.  I had thought that was the end of the journey.  That's why I thought it was longer.  But I had forgotten that we tried one more time with Nemo, our frozen embryo.  I had forgotten about Nemo.  How could I forget that?

Now, we are back into the land of hope and possibility.  Which of course comes with its share of fear and doubt.

We have a donor.  A beautiful, amazing, kind, selfless woman who is not just willing, but so eager, excited and happy to give us a chance at having a child.

There is a lot of story to tell in the journey that has led to this point.  There is a lot to tell about our wonderful donor.  It's all slowly unfolded over the last few months.

This blog has always been one of recording my journey towards being a mother.  Understandably, it was retired when we lost Sophie and Nemo didn't take.  Now that there is a new phase, I wanted to document that journey once more.  Just in case the journey does lead to motherhood.

One day, if there is a child, they might want to read all about it.  One day, I might want to be able to tell our potential child the story of how much we wanted him/her and how we strove to bring him/her into our lives.

So, I will slowly recall the last few months.  Try to remember and put into words how we ended up here in this new journey of trying to become pregnant again with the help of a donor egg.

How do we feel right now?

We are unsure, we are doubtful, we are hopeful, we are going with the flow and just taking each next step as it comes.  We are also scared.  Firstly, I am scared of becoming a mother at 47 years of age.  We started this journey when I was 40.  Now, at 46, I wonder if we are making the right decision.

But, in reality, there is no decision to make.  If we don't try this one last option that we have to become parents, we will wonder for the rest of our lives about whether we made the right decision.  We will always regret not trying.  And I can't live with that regret.

If this doesn't work though, then we will both be able to put it all to rest and move on, knowing that we did everything that we could.

As for being older parents, I am sure that will be difficult.  But life is difficult anyway.  We have to deal with its challenges all the time.  Parenthood at any age is a challenge.  This challenge though, will come with unconditional love and joy and wonder and hope.  There is a sense of anticipation in the possibility of embracing a new phase in our lives of life with a child.

So, we are back at the fertility clinic.  Back amongst the wonderful staff that are filled with so much hope for us.  Back on the journey towards motherhood.