It's been a month since I posted. Where has the time gone?! Last week I joined Dave on a work trip. I had a great time while he was at work! We stayed at a B&B that was on 400 acres of farmland. It was perfect for me. It was a little weird that was the B&B was actually the top story of their home and you are actually sharing their home with them. But it was great for me.
I had some company while Dave was gone long hours at work. I explored the property, joined the husband on his rounds of the animals, learnt a lot about cattle farming and horse harness racing. Wangaratta had an indoor swimming pool, so I was able to keep up my swimming.
I had a car to drive around in because Dave's employee met us there, so I used his car. I did a lot of touristy things, shopping and exploring places to eat for lunch. Did a lot of walks around the place and generally really enjoyed myself. I LOVED Wangaratta. Such a great feel to the place and lots of things to do and see. And the shopping in the city centre was superb. No main shopping complex, just lots of little shops in the main streets. Lots of places that I loved. Fantastic!
It was a good week for me. Much needed I think.
We have our frozen embryo transfer on Tuesday. I've been going through the motions of the things to do to prepare for it, blood tests, timetabling, getting all the big physical jobs done in the house so I don't itch to do them when I need to be laying down and holding onto the embryo, etc etc. But I don't think I have any reality of it. I mean, I know its happening obviously, but it just seems like an event on the calender.
I thought I might be like this. Just going through the motions of it all. Then I remembered today that we have already named this embryo - Nemo. That brought a bit of reality to me. This one has a name. And then I thought of writing in my blog. That brings a bit more reality again.
And that brings - fear, nervousness, worry... I don't want to be pregnant again. It would be an understatement to say that none of my experiences have been good ones. But I do want to be a Mum and I do want to go through this process in order to get there.
I can't believe we are doing it again. We keep getting told we are courageous to try again so soon after the last time. But we are also being very supported by the fertility clinic.
Our OB believes that I am very fertile, especially for my age. That made me laugh. You're kidding right???!!! No, shes not kidding. It's just that we needed to sort things out and find the right formula - polyp removal so that I can get implantation and the right balance in my blood so that I can hold a pregnancy, and of course, we need to find the right embryo. That one little embryo that is still okay, that is not damaged by age or by genetics. It makes me wonder that if Nemo doesn't work, would it be worth trying a full round again??? Think about that later...
She is so positive - our OB. I so wish we had found her much earlier in our infertilty journey. If she had gotten to me when I was 40, instead of 43, it might have made a huge difference. But nevermind. I am a believer in the universal plan, even if I have absolutely no idea what it is!
Someone said to me the other day - "Think about the future, but live in the present". Words that we hear in different forms a lot. But it struck home. I am living more in the present, because I'm really starting to like my present. Yes, in the future, I will need to sort out my work and financial situation, but right now, I'm loving the way my life is going. I think about what I want to do for work and have put out a couple of feelers, but I don't have to worry about it right now.
Right now, I'm trying to heal from everything in my life. Trying to find the new me and create a new life. One free from the restrictions that have held me back from happiness and peacefulness and joy. One that I am proud of and makes me feel like a worthwhile human being. I think I'm a little bit further along in that journey, maybe, just maybe...
Oh and there's that little thing of our embryo transfer on Tuesday. Wish us luck!
Love and Light