Treatment sessions and the 2WW

The Two Week Wait.
It is most definitely here.  And once again, things are different this time around.

I've never had a problem with the TWW before.  We've waited the two weeks every cycle for 4 years.  It's always just been part of the course.  Whether through stimulated cylce or natural.  But this time, with the hopes and dreams I have for this cycle, and the way things have been going so well for the first time in one of my rounds, I started feeling the tension yesterday.

I also started feeling fears that embryos weren't growing or that something was going wrong.  And I realised what a roller coaster ride I am in for the next two weeks.

I've been in a lot of pain and discomfort and I feet the need for the next few days to really relax and take it easy and lay down a lot.  In fact, it has also been forced on me as well.  Even doing the dishes yesterday brought about abdominal pains.  But the moment I felt them, I stopped the dishes and lay down.

I understand where the fears are coming from, but I refuse to let them take hold.  Instead I've been focusing on Love and Light.  I've been meditating on them and feeling both of these flowing through me, through my chakras and into my womb.  Feeling the breath of God.

My kinesiology session yesterday was amazing and has really helped me to be able to feel these things.
The first thing she was led to were my ovaries which she said were dehydrated.  Makes sense.  They've gone through a lot.  She worked on them and also on stimulating the energy in my uterus, getting the blood flowing and getting it all ready to receive the embryos.

For my part, I have continued to drink 2.5 litres of water a day, and constantly go to the toilet!!  Yet despite all the water I am drinking, my lips are really dry and sore and need constant lip balm - a sign of dehydration.  But I can't drink anymore than I am.  I would have to just stay on the toilet all day if I did!!!  :)  So, I'm also concentrating on eating foods that are hydrating as well as full of nutrients.

The kinesiologist also worked on aligning the energy throughout my body, allowing the channels to flow and making it easy for new little energies to find their way!  The words I left with are:

• Joy, acceptance and unconditional love
• Self worth, self love
• Trust and higher self alignment
• Hydration and Nutrition

The third one is perhaps the biggest for me - to trust and to stay aligned.  The Love and Light focus is helping with that.

And finally, my naturopath/masseur.  The fact that that appointment occurred the day before transfer is really significant.  The massages that I usually need, I won't be able to have when pregnant because she works on areas that can also encourage contrations.  So, it was wonderful to be able to have, what will hopefully be my last full massage for the next 9 months!  And once again, some of the points that she found were all about good blood flow to my uterus amongst other things.

A perfect pre-transfer day!

Reenergized

The last two days things have been so much better.  My energy levels have returned and I have been eager to be active and physical.  My body has finally caught up to my headspace.  And I have to thank my amazing naturopath.

I had my appointment on Thursday.  I expected to come back with a stronger antidepressant.  But I didn't test positive for that at all.  Instead, I came out with only one thing.  NeuroCalm for nervous tension and anxiety.  And since I've been taking it, I have felt SO much better.  And after only have one day.

Kelly (naturopath) uses muscle testing to be sure on what it is that my body needs.  She came back into the office with a selection of things.

• In one of my recent blood tests, I had tested high for insulin.  On further testing everything was fine.  But I was still concerned.  She brought in a few different remedies for that issue.
• I told her which antidepressant had worked really well for me in the past.  
• She also brought in the NeuroCalm and and a few other odds and ends she wanted to try.

I was amazed when I tested negative for the antidepressant.  Really?!! How interesting.
I was totally relieved when I didn't need anything related to high insulin.  Kelly said that one of the things that can cause high insulin is stress.  And considering the stress tablets were the only ones I needed, well that just all makes sense.

I decided to also have a body composition analysis.  I had one on our honeymoon cruise which showed a very high water retention level.  I then went on the prescribed herbal remedies and changed a few things in my diet with the focus being on acid vs alkaline foods.  A month later my water retention has reduced by a third.  Great news!

On the other hand, my calculated age from all the other CBA tests was high.  Oh dear!  For some reason, that has turned into a big reality check, has confirmed fears that I have about my physical well being, and has been a cataylst for being able to move beyond compulsive eating.  Don't get me wrong, the CE is still there, but I don't want to be the physical age that the CBA showed.

One of the factors in the test is muscle mass, which for me was low.  With all that has gone on, I haven't done pilates or gone to the gym for a few months.  Fortunately I had already made my appointment for my pilates review and I start today.  That should help as well!

It is such a relief to moving beyond my time of grief and isolation.  I'm moving through my new cycle getting ready to start the next ICSI round and I will come at with greater health.  I am actively seeking things to do that are physically active.  I want to exert myself.  Whether it be gardening, weeding, exercising.  Which means at the same time, I am getting on top of some long awaited jobs!

I am grateful.

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I haven't put up any of our professional wedding photos yet.  So I thought I would finish each post with a photo of our joyful day!

Professional help

A few months ago, I took advantage of the free counselling service they have the fertility clinic.  I needed to talk to a professional about all that had been going on.  The lady was really good and it was so helpful to talk to her.

In the process of my session, the issues of my eating addiction came up.  She recommended another shrink who she believed would really be able to help me.  This lady, Shona, is just amazing.  I've had 7 sessions with her and they have been amazing and intense and really helpful.  But my allocated sessions have run out, so I needed to go and have a review with the doctor to get 4 more assisted sessions.

My doctor has been good with our fertility journey and I told the doctor about the last two miscarriages.  She added a second reason that I still needed counselling - grief. 

I've often talked about the loss I feel, but understanding that there is grief surrounding that loss makes so much sense.  I'd shut down, not able to function, not interested in anything.  All symptoms of grief.  My kinesiologist came up with the fact that I am dealing with a feeling of being let down.  It is good to be able to put some words to the confusing array of feelings that I have been having.

I started back at work today. It was good to have a routine in the day.  It was a good day.

I'm also going to the naturopath on Thursday.  I am taking a naturopathic supplement for depression, but it's low dose and is not really working.  There was another one I used to take that worked much better so I will talk to about that and all the other difficulties I am struggling with right now.  It's time to get back on track.  I've been shut down long enough.

A rough road

This last week has been a whirl of panic attacks, anxiety and depression.  I keep looking for a way out but just can’t find the path.  I think there is a large part of my unconscious mind that just doesn’t want to.  When I see a ray of light and possibility, my mind shuts down to it, it doesn’t want to hear it.  However do I deal with that?

I’m in a destructive whirl from which I can’t break free.  Why do I make the choices that I make?  Why do I live from a state of unconsciousness?  I feel like I have no control over my life.  aahh.  click.  That’s because I am meant to be handing over control.  And I need to do this daily.

What I need to do is so simple. 

• Make healthy food choices
• Exercise
• Do a daily devotion to God.

So simple, yet so beyond me.  It makes no sense.

I went to Queen Naturo last week to get some herbal assistance.  I have something for relieve anxiety and to uplift my mood.  She provided me with some wonderful motivational thoughts that lasted for all of about a day and a half.   I can’t live like this.

I have so many work commitments for the next three weeks that are taking over my thoughts and not giving me any time to change my behaviours.  I only took one day off from work after the miscarriage, because I just can’t take more time.  I get one weeks holiday in three weeks.  But I don’t want to have to wait until then to achieve anything.  I need relief now.

I have the day off today with a concert tonight.  But today has seen me go more in a whirl than ever.  A whirl of my destructive behaviours, rather than taking on the things that will help me.  I don’t understand this.

Dave has been waking up very early lately, that probably hasn’t helped.  I need to sleep longer than 5.30 am.  We are also still in the middle of chaos with our house renovations.

Okay, so what to do?  What to do? 

One step at a time.  One step at a time.  And hand it over to God.

A Four Month Update.

It’s been 4 months nearly since my last post.  Hard to believe.  An update has been in order for a long time.  My desire to document our journey so that our children can read about it one day, if they wish, is still there. 

But our lack of success and our need to take a break from it all, saw me steer clear of all blogging of any kind.

Now, due to the summer break and some thoughtful emails and comments from some blogger friends, I find myself back here.  Thank you.

There isn’t a lot to report. 

Upon mutual agreement we stopped seeing Queen Naturo and King Acupunc for fertility treatments.  They, and we, felt that what could be done by them, had be done and I was so ready to stop for a while.  Therefore the next step is IVF.

I have a second naturopath I see from time to time who has helped with my hormones greatly over the years.  I went to see her first before deciding to see QN and KA.  So, I went back to her just because I had to try.  I don’t have my hopes up at all and its been nearly three months now.  So, this is telling time.  They always say it takes around three months for the herbs to really make visible changes.  I’m hopeful.  But I’m not holding my breath.

We are both really disappointed that the very thing that brought us together, helps up in so many other ways and that we both believe in wholeheartedly has not helped us to become pregnant.

I finally told my Mum.  She was good about it and while she would prefer that we were married first, she understands our decisions and supports us.  And is actually a bit excited for me, as it turns out!  The most significant discovery however, was that her and Dad went through the same thing, with the same problems. 
Obviously, I always knew that there are many years between my two older brothers and myself and many years between them, but I didn’t give it a lot of thought. 
Mum and Dad went through the same procedures D and I are.  The tests, the questions, all of it – with the same result.  Unexplained infertility.
Which most likely puts it on my side!  And I wonder if Mum had the same problem as I seem to have with a lack of ovulation…

The last three cycles, I have tested for ovulation in THREE ways – basal, saliva and urine testing.  There has been no sign of ovulation with any of them.  You would think that if I was ovulating, ONE of them would indicate it.  I really wish the fertility clinic had just given me the clomid and been done with it.  But they wouldn’t because the blood tests indicated that I was ovulating.

However, our waiting period for the private hospital cover has completed now and we are able to go through the private system picking out our own OB.  We have a name a friend and nurse recommended, and when the time is right, this is the way we will have to go.

However, my mother is still in hospital after having surgery for bowel cancer.  She went in the week before Christmas and hasn’t been able to come home.  While the surgery went well and they believe they have gotten all of the cancer, there have been post-operative complications.  Physically, she is recovering very well.

But she has had a reaction to either anaesthesia or the medication she was given and is suffering from confusion and delusions.  It has been a very traumatic time for her, and for us, and we don’t know how long it will last.  As a result of this, she is also unable to handle the stoma she needed to have in order to allow her bowel to rest and heal. 
Dad doesn’t cope without her. They are both 80 years old.  He suffers from depression and, on one hand is handling it well, and on another hand is a mess.

So, there is no way that I can possibly face going through IVF until my parents are well.  It is hard enough being on holidays and dealing with it all, let alone back at work, supporting my parents and handling IVF treatments.

So, everything is hold for now.

Sick = no conception

D took me to the doctor yesterday.  Turns out I have a bronchial infection, not just a mere cold.  No wonder I have been getting worse instead of better.   But I'm on antibiotics now, so things will start improving.

The disadvantage of course, is that it is highly unlikely that we will conceive this month.  Queen Naturo told us right at the beginning that if I'm sick then the body, in it's fight to clear itself of bad things, will reject any conception as a foreign body.  The doctor also told us the same thing yesterday.

So, this month will be another wipeout.

The positive aspect of this though, is that I will be able to have champagne at our engagement party in two weeks time!!  Woohoo!

We did talk to the doctor again about the fact that we still aren't pregnant and I was surprised to discover that my fertility doctor had sent her a letter with a report on us.  It was interesting to read.  It didn't say anything I didn't already know but it was interesting to read her summary.

I was frustrated to read that she said she had recommended IUI as well as IVF.  She might have recommended it, but she certainly didn't offer it because she told me that her clinic does not do IUI.  I remember this clearly because I wanted to go down that path first before IVF and might even have been willing to give it a go right there and then.  Except they didn't offer it!  I was annoyed by that.  But nevermind, I would rather go with a different clinic and OB anyway.

Our health care waiting period runs out in 2 months.  Then if we still aren't pregnant we can go down that path.  The doctor recommended that we start looking around for a good OB now.  I think she was pleased that will be going down the private path instead of the public system.  While she didn't say it, obviously, I got the feeling she thinks that is a better way to go.

So, it will be on to our friend who is a nurse in the private hospital to ask around and find out who will be the best OB for us to get.  She then might be able to ensure that we can get in with him/her.

And we continue moving forward...

Making room for bubs (and updating!)

 

Hi all!  Sorry I haven't been around much or kept up blogging - both posting and commenting.  There just doesn't seemed to have been time in my head for it!  But I have really appreciated the comments I have received and have enjoyed quick catch ups on your blogs to see how things are going for you.

One of the reasons that there has been no time, is that we have been tackling some major projects around the home - clutter clearing, organising, building, gardening - all outdoor projects which is an area we haven't tackled since D moved in.  See my other blog - Creating Peaceful Thoughts- for all the details!

The clutter clearing and building in particular, held a lot of significance for me in regards to our conception journey, because I saw it as clearing away lots of rubbish in order to make room for bringing a new life into our home and lives.  And the building of a work area in the carport was like adding a new room to our home and saw us becoming more efficient both inside and outside the home with more clutter clearing, organising and creating of space.

The process is continuing with much more still to do.  And each step forward always signifies to me, more space in our lives for bubs to come in.

That was one of the really positive things that has happened and is still happening!

This, plus so many other little signs last cycle though, made me really hopeful about a positive result.  I was sure that we were finally going to conceive.  So, when my new cycle began, I was so upset.  It was the first time I have really truly cried over a new cycle.  And it occurred just as we were about to go away for the weekend and with visitors!  Oh dear.  Somehow, with D's help and support, I managed to get through that little episode secretly with our visitors none the wiser, and a wonderful weekend away!

However, the positive thing in this new cycle is that the length was back down to 30 days.  I haven't had a 30 day cycle since before we started trying a year and a half ago.  It always takes around 3 months for new naturopathic meds to really kick into the system and it has now been that long since Queen Naturo put me on new hormones. 

I truly believe that my system is balanced so much better and more ready to conceive - a 30 day cycle is awesome for me.  A few weeks ago I was all ready to go see my other naturopath for a second opinion (who I haven't seen at all since the journey began), but this has brought my belief back again to the awesome duo that I have my faith in.

It also means that I once again, have such hopes for this cycle.  A blessing and a curse all at once!!

More updates:

**  King Acupunc has become more gungho about getting us pregnant after going to yet another fertility workshop.  He came away equipped with more ideas, more specific points to needle me, and with lots of charts for me to fill in!  I appreciate this passion he has to ensure results and hope it works!

**  Mr. Ayuveda is continuing to help me, this time working with my own feelings and instincts on what is going on for me.  Every now and then I turn up at his door with such a clear image on what is wrong and when it is that strong he is able to get a clearer picture himself on what is needed.

This week was all about helping my soul to find my body.  I have been feeling so strongly that I am living outside of my body, up in my head.  And I think it has been this way for a long time, which is a big reason for my struggles with weight and food addiction.  Before I saw him, I managed for split seconds every now and then to be able to become grounded in myself.  And every time I did, for that split second, the food cravings would disappear completely.

Now, after his session, I am able to ground myself and feel centered for longer periods, which is really helping with healthy eating and feeling more peaceful.  Which in turn, will help us conceive, I'm sure!

On the up.

I'm starting along the upward path now.  The sense of loss has mostly gone and I'm heading back to my normal self. 

Just in time for D too, because his chronic fatigue has been building the last couple of days and tonight he came home in a bad way.  I was so glad I had improved over the afternoon and had tidied the house, washed the dishes, put through and hung up 5 loads of laundry and had started the dinner.  It makes such a difference to him when he can come home and feel a sense of being looked after with things under control at home.  He was able to have a sleep for 30 minutes and then have dinner.  He is already feeling better and it's good to see.

I've made an appointment with both Queen Naturo and King Acupunc for next week - back to back!

I also have an appointment with my ayuvedic man.  Coincidence that it is next week.   He is hard to get into and I made the appointment weeks ago!  But I've been thinking that perhaps that might be a way to go for a while.  He also has a good reputation with fertility.  We'll see.

Anyway, I am grateful I am feeling better.  Once again, thank you so much everyone for all your support.  I am sorry I haven't been able to reply individually or to head over to your sites and provide my support to you.  But I will asap.  It is a wonderful network we have with our blogs and I am grateful for it.

Holding My Breath

It's Day 38 and I'm holding my breath.  I'm finding myself going to the toilet more often just to check!  Each day that passes gets us a little more hopeful.  D's mum has been with us the last few days so we've been waiting to do a pregnancy test.  She left yesterday and we got the test today.  If all stays as it is, then we will do the test tomorrow morning.  Eeeek!

I'm not sure how I am feeling.  Lots of emotions really, depending on the moment.  I'm eager to do the test, yet I am also happy to wait.  Each hour, each day that passes with no period is a good thing.  Doing the test and having a BPN will break the spell.  But a BFP...  well, just smiles all around!!  And then off to the doctors for confirmation, then to the naturopath for a change of herbs, the acupuncturist to make sure the pregnancy holds.

Oh dear.  Until tomorrow...

Options

D and I have just been made aware of a natural fertility clinic in our area.  I had never heard of it!  I am excited to know that there is somewhere else we can go for a second natural opinion if we choose to.  My belief in a natural solution is still strong and until the end of the year, it is the path that we are staying on. 

I haven’t been back to the fertility clinic since we were presented with the IVF booklet and the choice to take this path.  However, once our health fund waiting period is over at the end of the year, then if we still aren’t pregnant, we will start the roller coaster IVF path but with a different clinic.  Once the waiting period is over we will be able to choose our OBGYN, not simply take whoever we are given in the public system.  We were also told about a wonderfully successful clinic in Melbourne and wonder if we may choose to go interstate to do IVF.  It would be difficult but by the sounds of their results, highly worthwhile.

Anyway, that is several months away yet and may not even be needed. (fingers crossed)

I will need to get over my feelings of disloyalty to Queen Naturo and King Acupunc if we choose to get a second opinion at the natural fertility clinic.  These two people are more than just our naturopath and acupuncturist, over the last few years they have become friends.  I have the utmost faith in them and and feel thoroughly nurtured and taken care of in their care. 

However, I am also 41 years old and have been trying to conceive for about 14 months now.  I am wondering if this is working.  I need to look at any option available.

I am in the last week of the two week wait.  Any decisions will wait until I know one way or the other for this cycle.

I plan on returning to acupuncture treatments next cycle.  It will be two cycles that I have taken a break on this and I am ready to return to it again. 

To ovulate or not to ovulate

I find it interesting that every time Queen Naturo has tested me for ovulation through E2 and P4, it has always indicated that it is unlikely that I’ve ovulated.  Yet, everytime I was test for ovulation at the fertility clinic, she always said that I was.

It could be co-incidence.  Maybe that’s the way it worked.  FC caught me on a ovulating cycle and QN didn’t.  It could also be that FC only ever tested for P4, while QN tested for that as well as E2 – and it is always my E2 levels that are too low for ovulation, the P4’s are ok, but not great because they are affected by the low E2.

Seeing I’m not pregnant, I think I lean towards QN’s analysis more!

Yet, perhaps it was a meant to be thing.  Perhaps my destiny is not to be pumped with artificial drugs but to conceive through natural treatments.  If that is the case, then I am really happy with that.

Perhaps also I am reading far too much into it.  Creating hypotheses where no theories are present!!  Who knows!  It is just all very interesting.  The whole natural medicine versus standard medicine.  Yet, my experiences have shown me that natural medicine is much more effective, more intuitive, more revealing and solves the problems rather than masks them symptoms.   Time and time again, this has been proven to me.

Natural medicine will always be my first port of call.   But when it comes down to it, if we have to go IVF, IUI etc we will, and if I ever got really sick, like cancer, then thank goodness for standard medicine!   I am grateful to have access to both!

 

Test Results

I’m really please with my test results today.  In all but one area, excellent improvements all around.  And the one area where there was no change, has given us a focus on what we need to work on.  I feel really encouraged by this!  I’m glad that so much has improved.  And I’m glad to know where the problem is and that there are solutions.

My homocysteine levels have improved dramatically!  They are now the best results she has ever seen.  If your homocysteine levels are too high there is a risk of miscarriage and down syndrome, so it was very important to get these levels down!  Queen Naturo would have been happy if these levels had dropped to around 7.  But mine are at a specy 5.5 (range 5.0 – 15.0)!

My testosterone levels have also improved, going from 156 pmol/L down to 121 (range 24-137).  She is happy with this!

My progesterone levels were okay, she said and did increase in the second test 2 days later.  A good sign!  But they need to be better and will be, once my oestradiol (oestrogen) levels are fixed.  This is where the problems lays.  Progesterone levels will improve once my oestradiol improves, so Queen Naturo is now no longer worried about the P4.

My E2 levels were the same as they were 9 months ago – at 2 pmol/L.  (Range – 6-14).  They are way too low which indicate that, at least for last month, I didn’t ovulate.  Oestrogen is what drives the release of the egg.  Without it, no ovulation.

I am actually really happy with this.  I was worried that the results would be fine and it would all be a big mystery, just as it was at the fertility clinic.  But instead, we have some focus.  We have an area that isn’t working and we have treatments to get it working!

I started taking progesterone tablets just a couple of weeks ago.  These will help me hold a conception.
And now I will begin taking tablets to help increase the E2 levels and encourage ovulation.

The two together should do the trick!  Fingers crossed!



On another medical note, my arthritis has flared up hugely this week.  Worse ever.  Both King Acupunc and Queen Naturo believe the weather is a large factor.  It has turned cold and wet here this week.  She has recommended some new tabs for me to take.  However, I haven’t been able to find them in store.  They are a new release to the over the counter market. One chemist, though, was able to give me the name and number of the agent that supplies them.  So, a phone call to her will in order tomorrow.  In the meantime, I have some cream – Traumeel – to rub into the joints.

I’m feeling so much more positive and hopeful now than I was yesterday!

Homocysteine – 5.5 umol/L (range 5.0 – 15.0)

Oestradiol (E2) - 2 pmol/L.  (Range – 6-14)
Progesterone (P4) – 306 pmol/L increasing to 407 2 days later (Range 140-520)
Testosterone – 121 pmol/L (range 24-137)

Yeeaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!

Do you think something good has happened???!!  Yea, you maybe right!  :) 

I rang up the clinic today for the results of the Day 29 progesterone test I did yesterday.  The OB’s instincts were right!  This is going to be a longer cycle.   I have ovulated sometime over the last week.  The result was 45!  Biggest number I have ever had!  Last week on my Day 23 test, it was only 2.2.

As we thought we were past the ovulation phase and that my period was due on the weekend, we haven’t been tracking our bedroom activity.  So, I quickly thought back over the last week.  Gosh, I can’t remember.  I’ve just been enjoying, not tracking!!  LOL.  (oh, and if our child-to-be is reading this years from now and going “ooo yuck, Mum!”, just remember that you wouldn’t have got here without your Dad and I having a great time and loving each other!  It’s a happy, celebratory thing!)

I think we should be good.  D certainly thinks so!  Sooooo, we are back to the two week wait all over again!

I’m a little concerned that my cycle has suddenly become long again.  Perhaps it has something to do with the HSG scan.  I don’t know.  It certainly is possible.  That kind of treatment has to have an affect somehow.  But I am excited at such a high progesterone level!  Woohooo!

Whatever the reason, the missing test results are going to mailed to us, I have made an appointment with Queen Naturo and will get all sorted out once again.  QN is just so good though, that it was 4 weeks before I could get in!  Usually it is about two weeks, she is just super busy right now!  However, I am on the cancellation list and I know that she will call me if she can get me in earlier.  I don’t feel there is any hurry.  I’m feeling pretty good about things right now.

I found some interesting (at least to me!) info on progesterone and it’s role in the fertility cycle.  I’m going post on that tomorrow.


Photo:  I just can’t seem to resist putting up photos of our engagement day.  I will run out pretty soon, don’t worry!  :)  I’m just feeling so happy right now about us (A big smiley face, Anita!!)  and this photo really reflects that.  Shame about the sunnies, but a nice, happy photo just the same!

Today’s Results!

I’m back from the fertility clinic.  D was able to come which was great.  I really wasn’t expecting him to be able to make it.  It is vintage here in the Australian wine industry so it can get busy and demanding for him.  I’m grateful that today was a light day.

The doctor was a lot more explanatory about things this appointment and talked about previous results with more detail than before.  It could have been because it was like an overall summary of everything that can and has been done before the IVF decision is needed.  Or it could have been because she had a medical student sitting in on the appointment.  If this was the case then I am very grateful!  It meant we got a clearer picture on things than we have in the past.

HSG SCAN

The HSG scan showed that my tubes are all clear – no blockages!  Good news.  The pain that I had was probably from muscle spasms.  The results said that my “…tubes were slow to opacify [which can be caused by spasming, so that makes sense] but with time, contrast was seen to enter the peritoneal cavity via both tubes...”  Contrast being the iodine and opacifying meaning that the tubes and uterine cavity looked white on the image from the flow of the dye.  In summary, both tubes were clear and the dye spilled right on through!

I asked her if the scan showed anything else and she said no.  Some research I came across said that scan can be used to show fibroids and endometriosis.  I did ask if it showed cysts or anything else and she simply referred back to my pelvic scan.

 

SPERM ANALYSIS

When she first got the results of D’s sperm analysis, she simply told me everything was fine.  Today, however, was more detailed.  Whether the fact that D was there this time made a difference as well, I don’t know.  However, she said that his sperm count and motility was good, but his morphology (sperm shape) was lower than average at 25% instead of the average 30%.  While she said that this is fine under normal circumstance, it could make a difference if we choose to do IVF.   

Her concern in regards to this, was combining it with the fact that I’m over 40.  Sigh.

PELVIC SCAN

She also gave me more information in regard to my pelvic scan from several months ago.  There was a follicle that shouldn’t have been there at that stage in my cycle.  She was unsure what it was about but believes that now that my cycle seems to have settled down and regulated a lot more, it is something we no longer need to worry about.

Of course, what was never mentioned was why my cycle has settled down over the last 6 months.  She is not even questioning it or wondering, which considering she hasn’t given me any medication, you would think she would be wanting to know why.  I wonder if in her head, she is even thinking about the fact that I am seeing Queen Naturo and it is her treatment that is working!!

 

OVULATION

My progesterone test from this cycle only 2.2, indicating that I haven’t ovulated this cycle.  This is a figure more likely seen in the follicular phase of the cycle, so she got me to take another P4 blood test for today.  She wants to determine whether I haven’t ovulated or whether I have ovulated late and may just end up having a long cycle this time around.

I’m due for my period on the weekend, so the results of the test will let us know what to do if my period hasn’t come by Monday.  Ovulated – wait another week to see.  Not ovulated – wait another week to see.  Oh yea, the same action either way!!  :)

All in all, she believes that I am ovulating enough to not warrant taking clomid - that it is normal for a woman my age to not ovulate every cycle.  She believes that the affects of clomid could actually disadvantage us at this stage.  I can’t remember everything she said, but something to do with clomid possibly causing problems with implantation.

NOW WHAT?

This clinic doesn’t do IUI, so if we wanted to go down that path, we would have to go somewhere else.  She has given us information about IVF and sent us off to read it over and discuss what we want to do.

However, we are already decided.  We are going to continue with the natural path for the rest of the year.  Queen Naturo is ready to do the saliva tests again to see how much improvement there has been since she started treating me and to see where to go next with natural therapy.  I have a copy of most of the results from the clinic which I will take to QN for her to look at.

We both believe that by following this path, we will conceive.  So much has improved over the last few months with my statistics.  If by the end of the year we aren’t pregnant, we will look at it again.  Also by then, our years waiting period with our health fund will be over and we will be able to go into the private stream, with our choice of doctors and clinics.  And that’

s really important to us as well.

We know we don’t have a lot of time on our hands and the doctor was most encouraging that we start sooner than later.   But I really don’t want to go down the IVF path.  We truly believe in natural therapy and the 100% success rate from the natural therapy clinic.

CONCLUSION

We have achieved what we set out to do by going to the fertility clinic.  We know that we are basically okay and fertile.  There are no blockages, no abnormalities.  There is some concern over the regularity of my ovulation but she believes that I am ovulating.  D’s sperm morphology is slightly lower than the norm but also fine.  We are functioning!

Now we do all that we can in the natural medicine realm for the next few months. 

 

My HSG Scan – Final

It’s been two days since the scan and I am pleased to say I am feeling ever so much better!

I had a massage today, hoping to continue to work on my pretty much healed torn abdomen muscle, but unfortunately she really couldn’t get near it!  So obviously, without me being consciously aware of it, there is still some tenderness in my belly when any pressure is put on it!  And what she did do, which was very little, has flared it up just a little.  No worries.  Will be fine soon. 

I also had my usual acupuncture treatment and he stayed well clear of the area!  Such nice people!

They both wanted to know all about it so they could inform their other clients who are about to have the scan.  I gave them a run down of my experiences and what I learned, in particular stressing the before and after things to do, and making sure they let people know that the discomfort level will be different for everyone!  I certainly wouldn’t want people freaking out about what it may be like, when it is all over with in just a few minutes.  But knowledge and knowing the possibilities is important.  And preparation before and after is the key.

One other thing I asked D today was whether the doctor had to really force the dye into the tubes.  He said yes.  He was pushing really hard on the injection to get the dye in.  No wonder it hurt!!  No free flowing dye for me!!  :)  But until I get the results, I won’t know whether he had to push hard because I was having muscle spasms or because the tubes were blocked.



Deb commented on my last post that it sounded like quite a procedure.  I guess it is really.  King Acupunt had a funny view on it and said it was like a plumber coming to unblock your pipes and shoving things down the tubes!  :)  But the biggest thing for me that made it a big deal, I think, is that I wasn’t informed.

In actual fact, compared to what I have read about procedures further along in the infertility path, this one was a cinch.  And if I have gotten lucky, and it has unblocked my tubes, then it is like a huge big cleansing out and refreshing of my baby making bits!  A clean fresh start!!  :)

Fingers crossed!

I am feeling so much more positive and hopeful about things now.  Before the scan I had become very despondent and depressed.   I was actually getting a bit worried about the emotions that were swamping me.

But since the scan and my on-line research, I’ve moved back to my usual hopeful, positive, going with the flow, being in the moment self.  So, I am very grateful for the experience!

Postpartum Depression

I was doing a lot of browsing yesterday on over 40 pregnancy and over 40 mums.  I must say, if I wasn’t a glass half full person, I would be mightily depressed and unhappy right now!  Postpartum Depression, exhaustion from lack of sleep, not being able to bond with baby, not knowing what to do etc etc. 

Fortunately I also found quite a bit of good stuff!!  In particular from a series of books by Elizabeth Pantley.  I highly recommend going to look at this site and downloading some excerpts.  She has some great, stress-free, calming ideas!



It was the postpartum depression material that has kept me thinking over the last 24 hours.  Depression is in my family genes and I’ve had more than my share!  And it seems that PPD is more prevalent in over 40 mums. 

I read excerpts from Brooke Shields book Down Came The Rain.
I read about the changes in biochemicals that occurs both during and after pregnancy.
And I read about how over 40 women have become so established in their lifestyles and careers that the life altering changes and loss of independence that come with a baby, have the potential to bring on PPD.

Flower Power Moms blog post about postpartum depression was most interesting.

          “McCabe goes on to point out that the likelihood of increased anxiety for older mothers during pregnancy is exacerbated by the medical establishment—a process that augurs an uncomfortable ride after birth and a lack of postnatal bliss.

“This group is also put through a lot more medical intervention—many more tests may be performed and there are often suggestions of abnormality in the baby or danger for the mother.””

Fortunately, even though a part of is concerned that I will be susceptible to it, I find myself optimistically not in the least bit worried! 

Firstly, if it does occur, I have wonderful support in both Queen Naturo and King Acupunct who will quickly help to rebalance my biochemcials.  I spoke to King Acupunct today at my appointment and he went “no worries!”

He said that the two biggest causes of postpartum depression were the dramatic changes in biochemcials and also the approach of the new mother to the change in lifestyle.  He said “you are a ‘glass half full’ woman and much less susceptible to it even taking into consideration the depression gene.”  I choose to completely agree with him!  :)



In regards to the change in lifestyle, I am welcoming it.  I have done all that I want to do with my career.  I have travelled, I have soul searched, I have loved and lost and now wonderfully, have loved and won!!  I want this change of lifestyle.  I want to be at home being a full-time mum and taking care of things around here.  I’ve been ready for this change for the last few years!

Also, I don’t have any expectations on what it is going to be like to be a mother.  I don’t have any expectations on what our baby is going to be like.  I don’t have any expectations on what the first few months are going to be like.  This can be one of the traps and causes of PPD.  When things just aren’t the way you wanted or expected them to be.

What I do completely acknowledge though, is the loss of independence.  That one could really affect me!  As well as the complete exhaustion, that will no doubt occur, coming along and taking away my rational thinking that is writing this post right now!  :)

But with the support of natural medicine,
with complete awareness of what could happen,
with the acceptance and welcoming of the lifestyle changes that will occur,
with no expectations,
with my half-full glass,
with willingness to accept help, 
and with the ability to be able to live in the moment and take things as they come,
I am thinking positive and believe that I will be okay even if the symptoms do come and take over for a while.

Live Peacefully In The Moment

The journey continues…

There is a lot to put down into words from the last 24 hours.  Perhaps a couple of posts would the best way to do it.

Last night saw me have a bit of a meltdown.

All of the following things listed – mentally, I know are just fine.  They are all the things of which I have complete mental clarity, understanding and acceptance.  None of them are a problem and they all have either my desire to be doing it or my complete support. 

Yet, my emotions have taken me a different way.  The rolled out in this order:

• The winding down and shifting energy after family left from two week Christmas/NY visit,
• Working out together, that the week D needs to go out of town for work is my ovulation week,
• the results of yet another test,
• the build up of 7 months of taking pills, having tests, getting results, tracking cycles and ovulations (or the lack thereof), going to the fertility clinic, naturopath and weekly acupuncture appointments,
• not being able to lose weight and continuing to really struggle with healthy eating patterns (my lifelong challenge which only adds stress to my desire to conceive)

The consequence of this was a complete switch in my emotions and hormones – chemical changes fluctuating wildly!  And my mental clarity and understanding having absolutely no say in the matter.

D saw something was wrong “Whats wrong, Bloss.  Talk to me”.

”I don’t know” I said, “Maybe it is winding down after having family here, maybe I’m sick of trying to conceive”

And on that, I burst into tears.  Ah, that is what it is.  Now I knew.

This morning I stayed in bed and continued to sleep until midday.  That in itself says a hell of a lot as I can never sleep during the day unless I am sick.  I got up only when I realised that my other naturopath might have my happy pills that I haven’t had for a few weeks.  She did and I went to get them.  A little naturally healthy kick of the chemicals that help mood is in order.

 

She also had another tab that will help with my last test results.  So I came home and worked out how many mg and mcg I needed of B12, B6, Folic Acid and Zinc and worked out what I needed to take in order to achieve that.  I will check it all with Queen Naturo when she returns from holidays.

Being pro-active with this has definitely helped.  I’m not one to want to wallow in these challenging emotions.  I have to acknowledge them, I have to feel them and allow them their natural course, but I will also try to find a way out of them.  I haven’t felt this depth of depression for quite some time though, so it will take some time I think.

In the meantime, after a day of laying in bed and either reading or sleeping, I am ready to start to do one thing at a time, one step at a time.  Right now, I’m going to cut around the stickers that I’ve been meaning to use for a long time.

Next posts – Homocysteine Tests and my new book purchase You Can Get Pregnant Naturally Over 40 by Sandy Robertson.

A week of appointments

This week has been full of appointments – fertility clinic, two to my naturopath (one for massage and one for a naturo consult) and one to my acupuncturist.

My acupuncture appointment yesterday turned out to be a massage treatment.  I have put my neck out.  So annoying, but in the flow of my new resolve of creating peaceful thoughts, I am choosing to be grateful for the challenge that it has brought into my life.
The biggest challenge – I have to play for a wedding and pre-reception drinks today.  A bad neck and flute playing don’t really go together very well!  But I will manage as always!

Yesterday’s naturopath appointment was a good one!  Of course, they usually are!  I ended up at Gribbles pathology for yet another blood test.  This one was determine how much B12 and folic acid I personally need.  Everyone’s bodies need different amounts.  I have been taking both for a long time now, but as they are a critical part of developing a good healthy baby, QN sent me off for this specific test, so I can take the right amounts for me and bubby to be!

What was amazing, was that she had stamped urgent on the form and after they took my blood – they preceded to tell me that QN would have it in a couple of hours!!!!  Incredible!!  Their laboratory is right on site and they would do it straight away.  Hopefully QN will have time to look at it so I can pick up whatever herbs I need today.  She goes on 3 weeks break today and, while I know she will still call me and have me come in to pick them up next week, I don’t want her to have to.  It’s her holiday for goodness sake!!  We all deserve a break.

QN also looked at my blood and it was looking better than it has in some time.  All the red blood cells were floating freely, with no clumping!  But there were a few misshapen ones which are a sign of low magnesium, so we will add magnesium to the mix and I be good to go!

So once again this week, an appointment showing that things are looking good in my body.  All good news, giving me every reason to be optimistic that sometime soon we will have a little one to care for.

Fertility Clinic results

I had my second appointment with the GYN this week.   The results are all good. 

• All my hormones were where they should be,
• D’s results were good,
• I have a high egg count for my age,
• my scan was mostly good with some strange follicle/cyst behaviour that doesn’t concern her,
• she says that I am ovulating.

Still no pregnancy!

My naturopath and acupuncturist are really pleased.  They believe that all that we have been doing for the last 5 months is working.  And I do too!  They believe that I have had/still have PCOS, but that the herbs and acupuncture are doing their job and the cysts are gradually staying away.  Queen Naturo also reminded me that a few months ago, my bloods showed that I wasn’t ovulating, so progress is being made!

At this stage, the GYN has no answer, but she does have action.  Over the next two months, I undergo:

• a blood test each cycle to continue to monitor my ovulation.  She wants to look at whether I am regularly ovulating or not. 
  However she did say something really interesting about this.  That the fact that my cycles have regulated over the last few months, is a good sign that I am ovulating.  She said that regular cycles mean regular ovulation!  Once again, thanks to Queen Naturo and King Acupunt.  Because before them, my cycles were all over the place.  Probably why I still have lots of eggs left!!
• And she has also scheduled me in for a HSG scan to look at my tubes.  Once again, it doesn’t sound like a pleasant experience!  But I am grateful to be able to find out whether my tubes are healthy or blocked in any way.

After that, if things are still looking good, then it becomes a diagnosis of unexplained infertility.  From there, we can choose to either continue to try on our own, or take the IVF path. 

If we are very fortunate, a pregnancy will ensue before that time comes!  However, we both agree that in two months, if we still aren’t pregnant, we will continue to work with the naturopath for a little while longer.  You gotta have faith in their 100% strike rate!

I am very grateful to know though, that the GYN will be happy to proceed with IVF.  Issues of my weight did come up, along with the complications it can cause, but it is not enough to not proceed with IVF.  She has simply encouraged me to continue to work on that area.  Like I haven’t been working on that issue every day of my life!

She was really good in this consultation.  You may remember I was unhappy with our last appointment, but it was really good this time.  She was very support and compassionate, gentle and reassuring with all the results.   And only 30 minutes late instead of 90!!  :)

So, I’ve come away reassured by all the test results.

• I believe that, while there are still some cysts I am recovering from PCOS!
• I am not yet convinced on the ovulation thing.  Maybe Baby is still showing nothing and I am not feeling anything myself either.  It is possible though, that Maybe Baby is just not working for me.  And their website also states that it isn’t right for everyone. 
  I am looking forward to finding out the results of continuing ovulation testing and of course, seeing whether or not, I begin a new cycle!

All okay!

Well, the ultrasound was fine.  No big deal at all.  Thank you everyone for your support and words of encouragement.  It was a relief to hear that I had nothing to worry about.

Now that a day has passed I’m not upset by the conclusions that the doctor came to.  Instead I am excited to have seen my womb and ovaries and grateful that, in his eyes, everything is normal.

While I know they do this everyday and know exactly what they are seeing and looking for, I felt that it was a rushed and cursory look at my insides.  He quickly looked at the first ovary and said that there were no cysts at all.  He then moved over to the other ovary and as he was looking caught a quick glance of some cysts on that ovary.

He looked all over this ovary and proclaimed that they were nothing and my ovary was normal.  Yet he took some time to show me the cysts that he did find, pointing them out specifically.  He said that he really had to look for them to find them and that they weren’t anything worth proclaiming over.

When I questioned him as to whether these cysts could cause a problem with ovulation, he was quite abrupt and said “your ovaries are normal”.

I find it strange that he saw cysts, pointed them out to me and yet diagnosed normal ovaries.  And I can’t help wonder how well he looked at my first ovary.

I have yet to speak to my naturopath about it, but I get a feeling I know what they both will say.  That any cysts are something that need to be dealt with and can be a factor in ovulation problems. [ I read that a cyst is a follicle that didn’t fully increase in size in order to release it’s egg.  And there were several of them.  This certainly explains not ovulating every month.]  And that the medical profession are quick to dismiss minor things as not important.  Yet, on a holistic scale, the smallest things can be a big influence and it makes the world of difference when they are treated.  I don’t like the idea at all that there are undeveloped follicles not able to do their job, resulting in another month of not being able to conceive.

I also had a lot of blood taken for many more blood tests.  All of which will assist the GYNs diagnosis, which is the one that counts.  There is much that needs to be taken into consideration.  I am eager to see what she says and chooses to do.

I am sure my weight will, unfortunately, be a factor in the next appointment as well as the last one.  Everywhere that you look up PCOS, obesity is a factor.  Yet, I believe that is more of a consequence than a cause.  Which just makes it all a vicious cycle!  Nevertheless, now that I am on holidays, I will have more time and more headspace in which to once again address this issue and hopefully make a difference in both our conception journey and my own personal happiness!

[PS.  Just found this quote from an article talking about how even a minor weight loss in PCOS sufferers results in increased blood flow to the womb, which can help assist the eggs release and help with embryo implantation.]

Women with PCOS, which is one of the most common causes of infertility, tend to put on weight because of their condition and struggle more than other women to lose it through diet and exercise.

I am excited to have seen my womb and ovaries!
I am very grateful that there weren’t a lot of cysts found.
I am extremely grateful that everything is “all normal”.
And I am highly grateful that I am already taking herbal medications to treat PCOS.

I am also excited by the follicle that the doctor showed me.  He said “see this black blob here.  That is a follicle starting growing in size.  It shows that you are getting ready to ovulate!”
I was SO EXCITED to hear him say that and to see it on the screen!!! 
Lets hope that this follicle continues to grow and develop and release its little egg rather than turning into a cyst.  It certainly was larger than the cysts he pointed out earlier on!!