At the pool

I'm still loving the pool and have settled into a routine of going every second day.  My fitness and muscle strength are steadily increasing, my lap count and length of continuous laps also steadily increasing.

Today I felt able to push it a little further.  It was tough going at the start, but by halfway through something different happened.  I found myself completely zoning out.  I think I went into a meditative state, just swimming stroke after stroke.  It was really good. 

I finished doing more laps than ever before and would have been quite happy to continue.  However, I am still finding that I am so tired afterwards that I knew it would be foolish to do even more at this stage.  And yes, a few hours later, I am tired.  I was almost asleep on the couch when the phone rang.  Good thing too.  I have work to do today.

I am so over being tired all the time and I absolute refuse to give up on this journey of increasing my fitness.  I want to be the person who can just go and go all day, a busy buzzy bee, with motivation and stamina!  Fortunately I can afford to be exhausted after a swim now that I am on school holidays.  The bookwork is done from home on my own time and I can still do it when I'm physically tired.  I wonder how long it will take before I can go for a swim and not feel so weary afterwards?

It's been over four weeks now since I started at to the pool and this week I have added walking on the alternate days.  I know that including the walking will tire me out even more, but eventually, surely (!) I will move past it into greater energy.  And I'm also continuing to choose to do more active jobs around the house and not putting them off till later.  I have a ways to go with that particular goal but I'm getting there with much better motivation than I have had for the last few months.

A friend of mine joined me for a swim a couple of weeks ago.  She is also trying to increase her fitness and is joining me for walks as well.  We are going to work up to doing some more strenuous bushwalking again.  I can't wait!!  It's wonderful to have days of exercising on my own as well as days sharing the activity.  I am feeling blessed!

I am grateful to be in the place at the moment.  It's been so long since I have been able to do anything else but deal with fertility and pregnancy.  I am taking advantage of this brief hiatus.  Hopefully it will increase my ability to deal with another pregnancy should that happen.  And also then help me better be able to cope with caring for a little one.

We see our fertility OB again in two weeks to discuss transferring Nemo in my next cycle.  The kinesioligist has said my body is ready as long as I stay centered and relaxed.  So that is my goal.  Increasing fitness and beginning a meditation practice again.  And after today, I can feel that the swimming is also a form of mediation!  Gotta love that!!

Love and Light
xxx

Treatment sessions and the 2WW

The Two Week Wait.
It is most definitely here.  And once again, things are different this time around.

I've never had a problem with the TWW before.  We've waited the two weeks every cycle for 4 years.  It's always just been part of the course.  Whether through stimulated cylce or natural.  But this time, with the hopes and dreams I have for this cycle, and the way things have been going so well for the first time in one of my rounds, I started feeling the tension yesterday.

I also started feeling fears that embryos weren't growing or that something was going wrong.  And I realised what a roller coaster ride I am in for the next two weeks.

I've been in a lot of pain and discomfort and I feet the need for the next few days to really relax and take it easy and lay down a lot.  In fact, it has also been forced on me as well.  Even doing the dishes yesterday brought about abdominal pains.  But the moment I felt them, I stopped the dishes and lay down.

I understand where the fears are coming from, but I refuse to let them take hold.  Instead I've been focusing on Love and Light.  I've been meditating on them and feeling both of these flowing through me, through my chakras and into my womb.  Feeling the breath of God.

My kinesiology session yesterday was amazing and has really helped me to be able to feel these things.
The first thing she was led to were my ovaries which she said were dehydrated.  Makes sense.  They've gone through a lot.  She worked on them and also on stimulating the energy in my uterus, getting the blood flowing and getting it all ready to receive the embryos.

For my part, I have continued to drink 2.5 litres of water a day, and constantly go to the toilet!!  Yet despite all the water I am drinking, my lips are really dry and sore and need constant lip balm - a sign of dehydration.  But I can't drink anymore than I am.  I would have to just stay on the toilet all day if I did!!!  :)  So, I'm also concentrating on eating foods that are hydrating as well as full of nutrients.

The kinesiologist also worked on aligning the energy throughout my body, allowing the channels to flow and making it easy for new little energies to find their way!  The words I left with are:

• Joy, acceptance and unconditional love
• Self worth, self love
• Trust and higher self alignment
• Hydration and Nutrition

The third one is perhaps the biggest for me - to trust and to stay aligned.  The Love and Light focus is helping with that.

And finally, my naturopath/masseur.  The fact that that appointment occurred the day before transfer is really significant.  The massages that I usually need, I won't be able to have when pregnant because she works on areas that can also encourage contrations.  So, it was wonderful to be able to have, what will hopefully be my last full massage for the next 9 months!  And once again, some of the points that she found were all about good blood flow to my uterus amongst other things.

A perfect pre-transfer day!

The days before egg harvest

The days continue to chop and change with side effects.  I had a great day on Friday but totally collapsed in exhaustion late afternoon and that continued throughout Saturday.  Then I picked up Saturday night and wasn't able to sleep till midnight!  Go figure!  Today I am once again feeling quite weary.

Wednesday I had my last scan before harvest on Monday.  My follicles have continued to develop and there were around 10 measuring 13-14mm.  So, I would imagine they have reached the goal size of 17mm by now.  I'm feeling sore and heavy in the ovaries and I find that if I have a full bladder it is more uncomfortable!

We did the last puregon and orgalutron injections on Friday night and did the trigger injection (ovidrel) last night (Saturday).  So today is a day off for injections before theatre tomorrow.

I must admit to not coping all that well in the last few days.  I think doing this round on the back end of two miscarriages is taking its toll on my emotions and body.  At this point, I don't know that I could go through another round.  Fingers crossed we won't have to! 

I also have a lot of anxiety over going under for the egg harvest.  I have so many fears of it, all related to my physical well being.  I always fear the worst.  I just need to remember that I get knocked out and then in the next blink of an eye it is all over.  And that during the procedure I am under good care.  If anything goes wrong, I have an absolutely awesome doctor, in fact I will have two doctors for this procedure, so I am being well looked after.  It doesn't take away my fear but I am focusing in on those thoughts to help me.

Today we are hanging out with some friends.  They are moving house in a couple of weeks and I offered to help them pack.  It will be a good distraction as well as great company for the day.  I'll do what I can energy wise and I know Dave will keep an eye out for me and not let me do too much.

I'm looking forward to the next week moving along quickly.  The 5 day wait after the harvest to find out if we have any good embryos and then the transfer procedure.  All things I will be glad to have completed.

Wish me luck for Monday's harvest!

Reenergized

The last two days things have been so much better.  My energy levels have returned and I have been eager to be active and physical.  My body has finally caught up to my headspace.  And I have to thank my amazing naturopath.

I had my appointment on Thursday.  I expected to come back with a stronger antidepressant.  But I didn't test positive for that at all.  Instead, I came out with only one thing.  NeuroCalm for nervous tension and anxiety.  And since I've been taking it, I have felt SO much better.  And after only have one day.

Kelly (naturopath) uses muscle testing to be sure on what it is that my body needs.  She came back into the office with a selection of things.

• In one of my recent blood tests, I had tested high for insulin.  On further testing everything was fine.  But I was still concerned.  She brought in a few different remedies for that issue.
• I told her which antidepressant had worked really well for me in the past.  
• She also brought in the NeuroCalm and and a few other odds and ends she wanted to try.

I was amazed when I tested negative for the antidepressant.  Really?!! How interesting.
I was totally relieved when I didn't need anything related to high insulin.  Kelly said that one of the things that can cause high insulin is stress.  And considering the stress tablets were the only ones I needed, well that just all makes sense.

I decided to also have a body composition analysis.  I had one on our honeymoon cruise which showed a very high water retention level.  I then went on the prescribed herbal remedies and changed a few things in my diet with the focus being on acid vs alkaline foods.  A month later my water retention has reduced by a third.  Great news!

On the other hand, my calculated age from all the other CBA tests was high.  Oh dear!  For some reason, that has turned into a big reality check, has confirmed fears that I have about my physical well being, and has been a cataylst for being able to move beyond compulsive eating.  Don't get me wrong, the CE is still there, but I don't want to be the physical age that the CBA showed.

One of the factors in the test is muscle mass, which for me was low.  With all that has gone on, I haven't done pilates or gone to the gym for a few months.  Fortunately I had already made my appointment for my pilates review and I start today.  That should help as well!

It is such a relief to moving beyond my time of grief and isolation.  I'm moving through my new cycle getting ready to start the next ICSI round and I will come at with greater health.  I am actively seeking things to do that are physically active.  I want to exert myself.  Whether it be gardening, weeding, exercising.  Which means at the same time, I am getting on top of some long awaited jobs!

I am grateful.

------------------

I haven't put up any of our professional wedding photos yet.  So I thought I would finish each post with a photo of our joyful day!

The journey through.

Well, we are back in the two week wait once again.  Last cycles thoughts of being pregnant again didn’t come to fruition.  Which in retrospect, was good.  We wanted to wait a cycle just to get things back to normal. 

I’ve been struggling a lot with panic attacks, anxiety and the desire to do anything at all.  The chest pains from the panic attacks have been strong and scary and it has been all I could do just to get through the days.

However, things are starting to pick up again. 

I believe that a lot of the reasons for my anxiety, aside from the obvious – miscarriage, work etc - has been the cycle of unhealthy eating due to stress which causes unhealthy eating with causes stress and on and on.  But my body has finally said “that is enough, take these chest pains to scare you back to eating well and reducing your stress levels.” 

I’ve been through this before – exactly the same thing happened when my body decided it was time I gave up smoking.  Those pains and anxieties (which are the same as now) saw me going to the doctors, specialists and having ECG’s.  Everything was fine.  I know what is happening.

Once again it has worked.  Two weeks ago, through fear, I could only eat the food basics.  Even then, the pains would come back, but each day they were diminishing.  To make matters worse, Dave was away for the week for work, so I was on my own trying to handle it all.  But I got through it – one step closer to being better.

I also made a big decision and resigned from the Flute Society – which was a big volunteering commitment on my part.  In many ways it was an important part of being active in the flute world, almost an obligation.  A thing that if you didn’t do, it put you in the bad books.  But I caught up with the President for coffee and explained to her what was going on and she was most understanding and helpful in making it all happen.  The weight that lifted off my shoulders from doing this was amazingly significant!

Last week,  with my chest pains diminished and less frequent, I introduced exercise again.  I took Maxy on walks at the beautiful Christies Creek Trail, which was wonderful for both of us!

This week, I hope to introduce the stepper again.  Being in the two week wait, I’m not quite game to go back to the gym.  I am concerned that starting up there again in the first weeks of pregnancy would not be good.  I know the equipment to avoid now, but still…  I’ll start there again if we aren’t successful this time around.

The problem post miscarriage is that you start looking back.  Even though you know it was nothing that you did, you start analysing.  Maybe it was the machines at the gym, maybe it was yoga classes, maybe it was the massage I had before I knew I was pregnant, maybe it was…  And so it goes on.  It was probably none of them.  It was nature.  But nevertheless, I can’t bring myself to go back to the gym during the two week wait.

So, after two weeks of gradually getting back on track, I am feeling much better.  It doesn’t take much for the chest pains to emerge again, but they are manageable and I am sleeping well.  I am still struggling somewhat with the daily grind, but I am back to enjoying pottering around the house and doing all the domestic chores.  And I feel such a sense of relief and letting go of the Flute Society.  Things are progressing.

Dave doesn’t understand my chest pains and anxiety, just like he doesn’t understand my eating disorder.  And I can’t seem to successfully explain it to him. I think it’s one of the those things that if you haven’t experienced it, you can’t understand it.  But that’s ok. Even though we can’t connect and talk about it the way I can with someone who has been through it, he is still supporting me just by being there and loving me.  I absolutely would not be surviving this without him.  He is my rock, my comforter, my strength, my shoulder to lean on (literally and figuratively!), my constant, my love.  “I love him to the core of my soul.”

Questioning

What I’m struggling with most is the fact that I so strongly felt that our pregnancy was God given.  I felt to the core of my soul that we had been given the conception and I was so confident that things would work out.  I didn’t expect it to be free and easy, but I was without doubt that God would see us through the pregnancy, particularly the first trimester.

Now, I’m left wondering.  What is it all about?

Is this first step of a journey we are being taken on?
Was the pregnancy God given?  If so, why a miscarriage?
Or is it just life?  Bad luck?

Deep down inside I still believe it is part of my/our journey.  But I still find myself questioning.  I don’t feel anger.   I feel deep disappointment and bafflement.  And a little numbness.  I feel anxiety about whether we will conceive again.  And anxiety that if we do, what will happen?  Will I have to go through this again.  Certainly, there will much more anxiety in the first trimester now.

Yet once again, I just need to hand it over to God and let go.  There has got to be something good come out of this.  If nothing else, my eating habits took an instant turn for the better when we found out.  I hope that can continue.

Struggling.

It’s time I made an appointment with the private fertility clinic.  But as much as I want a child, I really don’t know that I go through the process of IVF.  For so many reasons as those of you who have gone through it will attest to.  I’m avoiding making the appointment in the hope that this month will be the month.  This time we will conceive.

We are making a more concerted effort again this time around.  But I’m not living up to my end of the bargain.  I’m struggling to exercise and eat well and no matter how I try, my emotions and mind state just won’t let it happen.

And I dread going to a new OB only to have him tell me I have to lose weight.  It’s not like I haven’t wanted to for the last 20 years of my life.  And the last 2 years, in particular, with the thought of conceiving in my head.  It still hasn’t happened on any permanent level.  I don’t want this issue to forestall the treatments that are available to anybody else.  I dread the appointment so much.

I must admit to being in constant state of tears this afternoon.  Any little thing is setting me off.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  How can I get passed this?

I just remembered – I bought Marianne Williamson’s new book “A Course in Weight Loss” a few days ago.  I’m going to go away now and see if that helps at all.  I’m not holding my breath.  But I am desperate.  And if this book can reconnect me with my spirituality as well, then I will be truly blessed.

Sick = no conception

D took me to the doctor yesterday.  Turns out I have a bronchial infection, not just a mere cold.  No wonder I have been getting worse instead of better.   But I'm on antibiotics now, so things will start improving.

The disadvantage of course, is that it is highly unlikely that we will conceive this month.  Queen Naturo told us right at the beginning that if I'm sick then the body, in it's fight to clear itself of bad things, will reject any conception as a foreign body.  The doctor also told us the same thing yesterday.

So, this month will be another wipeout.

The positive aspect of this though, is that I will be able to have champagne at our engagement party in two weeks time!!  Woohoo!

We did talk to the doctor again about the fact that we still aren't pregnant and I was surprised to discover that my fertility doctor had sent her a letter with a report on us.  It was interesting to read.  It didn't say anything I didn't already know but it was interesting to read her summary.

I was frustrated to read that she said she had recommended IUI as well as IVF.  She might have recommended it, but she certainly didn't offer it because she told me that her clinic does not do IUI.  I remember this clearly because I wanted to go down that path first before IVF and might even have been willing to give it a go right there and then.  Except they didn't offer it!  I was annoyed by that.  But nevermind, I would rather go with a different clinic and OB anyway.

Our health care waiting period runs out in 2 months.  Then if we still aren't pregnant we can go down that path.  The doctor recommended that we start looking around for a good OB now.  I think she was pleased that will be going down the private path instead of the public system.  While she didn't say it, obviously, I got the feeling she thinks that is a better way to go.

So, it will be on to our friend who is a nurse in the private hospital to ask around and find out who will be the best OB for us to get.  She then might be able to ensure that we can get in with him/her.

And we continue moving forward...

Ayuveda

One week ago I went to see my ayuveda masseur.  The man is a god-send! 

I made the appointment a couple of months (he is hard to get into!) knowing that I needed an energy balancing.  Things weren't right and in the past he has been able to balance my energy beautifully.  

It was a great session.  Apparently my physical energy was going in a completely different direction to my spiritual energy.  No wonder I have felt so out of sorts and unbalanced.  The next day I was feeling much better -  more peaceful and centred and calmer.  And best of all, my addictive thinking had gone.  I can't even begin to describe how bad things have been in that regards over the last few months.  It's been out of control and making me utterly miserable for my complete lack of ability to do anything about it.  But two weeks ago I did.  I went to the one man who I know helps me.

He also worked on my fertility, clearing away a blockage and opening up hips.  Apparently my hips have been rolling inward which puts pressure on the ovaries.  He gave me an exercise to keep my hips open and rolled out to where they should be, which D has to help me with.

I see him again in a month to see how things are going.

The last week has been crazy with State Music Camp.  It's in the school holidays and involves me getting to work earlier, getting up earlier and driving further everyday.  That plus D also having an unusually busy week, we haven't done the exercise and I am starting to feel myself backsliding.  I've mentioned it to D and we are going to set up the massage table tonight so we can do it.  I'm looking forward to seeing if that shifts things back again.

I'm still amazed at the session and his ability to pinpoint the exact things that I needed.  It was exactly the session I was hoping it would be!  I'm looking forward to seeing the results and I'm looking forward to my appointment next month!

Feeling better

I’m feeling better today and finding myself enjoying the unstructured time of being on my own and doing things at my own pace. 

I’ve been doing an on-line course to try and overcome my fear of flying.  It is written by a captain pilot and is very informative.  I am hoping that knowing what is going on both in the air and on the ground and how it all works will take away a lot of my irrational fears of the plane falling to the ground and crashing!

My aim is to be relaxed up the air, knowing that the plane is built to glide through the air and that turbulence is no different than going over bumps on the road in your car.  Did you know that a plane can continue gliding through the air even if all the engines fail? 

We are staying at a gorgeous old grand hotel in Melbourne.  Built in the 1800’s it is one of the only independent grand hotels in the world.  I can’t believe we are staying there.  We got a good deal on it through one of the accommodation deals websites.  I’m really excited.  That will help me get through the flight, knowing where I get to go at the end of it!  As well as seeing D of course!

This is so what we need together.  A weekend away.  If it wasn’t for the ordeal that flying has become for me with the anxiety already building, it would all be just so exciting.  I used to love flying.  I hope this trip will help me to find that again.

The Hotel Windsor – some sneak pictures to tempt my senses!  I will post some of our own photos from the weekend when we get back. 
 
 

 

 

 

 

Shifting thoughts

I’ve been finding myself in a very different place the last few weeks with my thoughts directed towards desires and dreams other than conception.  Our engagement has made me want other things in my life – most notably to be physically happy with myself for our engagement party and in a wedding dress.  I want to be able to look back at photos and be happy with the person I see in them.  Right now, I wouldn’t be able to do that.  And I know it will take more than a month or three or five of consistent effort in order to achieve that goal.

I am grateful that this has motivated me to begin to lose some weight and to follow some of the fertility eating I have learnt about, but I worry that, as an over 40 mum to be, I simply don’t have time to lose the focus towards having a baby.  Yet, it could also be that very shift away from the journey, along with fertility eating, that helps us to become pregnant!

I don’t know.  I guess I just need to keep living my life and take each day as it comes.  Just being together is the important thing.  As well as doing what is right for us.

What is right for us is to be happy together and to not feel any pressing time-line on our lives.  There are people wanting us to throw an engagement party right away, there are people shocked that we aren’t setting a date and putting wedding plans into full swing.  There is the over 40 body clock saying I don’t have any time to wait to have a baby.  There is my strong need to look better for photos and a wedding dress and to feel happy with myself.

There are the what if’s.  What if I get pregnant soon?  What will happen to the wedding, my goals to look better, the honeymoon?!  What if I don’t get pregnant soon?  Will I get too old?  Will we not ever have children?  What if I can’t lose weight?  How will that affect things?

What if?  What if?  What if?  

I have moments of living in the moment and not worrying, of being content with the way things are, with doing things the way we want to and when we are ready to, of simply taking one step at a time toward my own personal goal.  But I have equal moments with all these thoughts pounding around in my head.

Today, because I am home sick, and not eating particularly well as a result,  I am in a darker place than I wish to be.  I just want to cocoon myself with some food and a movie and wallow in this illness.

I know I will shift out of this place when the momentum of a week of good food, exercise and a smaller waist, will help me feel like I am moving forward towards my goals.  And I know that getting pregnant isn’t going to stop me continuing to move towards a healthier me.  And I know that becoming healthier could mean a more fertile me.  And I know that it doesn’t matter how long we take to do the engagement party and wedding thing.  But I just SO need to look better for that, not for D although that would be nice, but for me, for my own happiness and joy in the celebration.  Oh, it’s all just twisting round and round in my head!  LET IT GO!

LET IT GO!

In my rational mind, I know that the only thing I can do is to stay focused on eating well, exercising, remaining stress-free, and living in the joy of being so happy with D.  Everything else will simply take it’s course.

Thoughts, support, friendship and advice are all welcome!  :):)

Sunday update

Today I am feeling a bit tired of the whole ovulation tracking thing!  I am thinking of giving it a rest for a while and just going with the flow.  With all the different methods we have done, we still don’t really know when I ovulate.  We have a pretty good idea but nothing concrete.  So, as long as we stay aware of a rough area of time within my cycle, that is good enough for now!

Of course, next cycle I may feel refreshed and want to start trying to track it again but for right now, I need a break!

I’m still taking all my tabs and going for the tests.  Still going to the acupuncturist and doing mostly (!) all the right things.

Last night was the biggest challenge of all in regards to no alcohol.  We went out to a friends for a bbq.  All good.  I brought my de-alcoholised wine and drank that along with water.  No problems!

But then…

… out came the 22 year old Port that we had given this friend a year ago.  Oh no!  It smelt divine.  I could imagine it’s delicious flavour swirling around in my mouth.  I smelt it from D’s glass and want to curl up in ecstasy!! 

It was the ONLY time not drinking alcohol has been really really really mean!!!!!  :) :)

So, we made a deal that should I get another period, I will treat myself to some of this beautiful port!  mmmmmmmm…

I’m enjoying the lots of vegies aspect to the fertility diet from You Can Pregnant  Over 40, Naturally.  My favourite snack is now celery with almond spread.  The idea comes from my naturopath and works perfectly with Sandy’s advice on nutrition.

The journey continues…

There is a lot to put down into words from the last 24 hours.  Perhaps a couple of posts would the best way to do it.

Last night saw me have a bit of a meltdown.

All of the following things listed – mentally, I know are just fine.  They are all the things of which I have complete mental clarity, understanding and acceptance.  None of them are a problem and they all have either my desire to be doing it or my complete support. 

Yet, my emotions have taken me a different way.  The rolled out in this order:

• The winding down and shifting energy after family left from two week Christmas/NY visit,
• Working out together, that the week D needs to go out of town for work is my ovulation week,
• the results of yet another test,
• the build up of 7 months of taking pills, having tests, getting results, tracking cycles and ovulations (or the lack thereof), going to the fertility clinic, naturopath and weekly acupuncture appointments,
• not being able to lose weight and continuing to really struggle with healthy eating patterns (my lifelong challenge which only adds stress to my desire to conceive)

The consequence of this was a complete switch in my emotions and hormones – chemical changes fluctuating wildly!  And my mental clarity and understanding having absolutely no say in the matter.

D saw something was wrong “Whats wrong, Bloss.  Talk to me”.

”I don’t know” I said, “Maybe it is winding down after having family here, maybe I’m sick of trying to conceive”

And on that, I burst into tears.  Ah, that is what it is.  Now I knew.

This morning I stayed in bed and continued to sleep until midday.  That in itself says a hell of a lot as I can never sleep during the day unless I am sick.  I got up only when I realised that my other naturopath might have my happy pills that I haven’t had for a few weeks.  She did and I went to get them.  A little naturally healthy kick of the chemicals that help mood is in order.

 

She also had another tab that will help with my last test results.  So I came home and worked out how many mg and mcg I needed of B12, B6, Folic Acid and Zinc and worked out what I needed to take in order to achieve that.  I will check it all with Queen Naturo when she returns from holidays.

Being pro-active with this has definitely helped.  I’m not one to want to wallow in these challenging emotions.  I have to acknowledge them, I have to feel them and allow them their natural course, but I will also try to find a way out of them.  I haven’t felt this depth of depression for quite some time though, so it will take some time I think.

In the meantime, after a day of laying in bed and either reading or sleeping, I am ready to start to do one thing at a time, one step at a time.  Right now, I’m going to cut around the stickers that I’ve been meaning to use for a long time.

Next posts – Homocysteine Tests and my new book purchase You Can Get Pregnant Naturally Over 40 by Sandy Robertson.

The latest news

With great joy, I set out on my walk yesterday. I guess it is too soon for my knee. 5 minutes later, I had to turn around and head back home.

I've made an appointment with the doctor though and will see her on Friday. D has a friend in the MRI department which may help us with the process.

I’ve also called Curves to sadly put a hold on my membership until this is sorted out. Sadness mixed with relief. Strange really.

Today’s picture is not of bubbies obviously! I wanted to put up a picture from one of the bushwalks that I’ve done. The idea being to activate that side of myself again. It is such a peaceful setting.

Something is shifting in me. I’m not really sure what yet, but my thoughts are changing. My body is changing. I feel the possibility that the treatment I am on for PCOS is setting things right. I am excited, shocked, unbelieving, grateful, amazed at the prospect!

After all these years of struggle, could it really have been PCOS that were causing all the symptoms? Could it be that our desire for a child, is also the instigator for the new season of my life to finally arrive? For the healing of my body - physically and mentally - and therefore spiritually and emotionally as well!

QN added one extra herb to my mix yesterday – THE herb – the herb she believes may have caused my migraine – also the herb that is the main one she wants me to take. I have some migraine signs and I’m being very caref ul. So far, so okay though.

The last two days have been very restful. And restful without feeling guilty. D is away for work and I have had no commitments or obligations. School goes back tomorrow and I have a crazy week. I hope my neck and knee hold up.

As for the rest of the day, it is time to potter around the house and get more things organised and clean and peaceful.

Exercise restrictions

One of the things that I LOVE to do is re-arranging and re-decorating our home. Ever since I was big enough to move things around, I have done this - starting with my childhood bedroom!

When D moved in, we combined two households of furniture into one. Despite culling and storing, as you can imagine, the house became VERY full!

So, my love of re-arranging has been restrained. Furniture is bigger and heavier, there is less space and the possibilities are very limited. However, finally this week, after several weeks of it building, I finally came up with a plan. The place looks great! It's more open and fresher. Cleaner and tidier.

But there was a hiccup! I believe I have torn the ligaments in my right knee. The difficulties arising from this and attempting to become pregnant are not good. It could take months to get into surgery to have it fixed and if I am then pregnant, it won't be possible. Which means going through my pregnancy with a bung knee.



And then of course, exercise is problematic which is a problem for my fitness level in coping with the pregnancy. I haven't really got into a good and regular routine and am desperate to do so. But my usual exercise - Walking and Curves - are not possible right now. However, water exercise could solve the problem. But I don't like going to the public pool! Guess I will just have to suck it up!

The funny thing is though, that I am not irritated or angry or upset at having done this to my knee. Aside from the above concerns, there are no negative emotions AT ALL. I find myself going with the flow and accepting of it all.

It seems a strange reaction, yet there is absolutely no other feelings but these. I am not upset about it. And while I really want to get my fitness back to its normal level, I find myself not worried at all about not being able to go to Curves.

I feel a sense of relief. A sense of destiny.

Now I can slowly, in my own pace, with no pressure of 3x a week getting to the gym, get back into my love of walking. I mean, I love Curves and want to continue with it later down the track, but for some reason, I feel as though I have let go of a burden.

And then I came across this article from the Infertility-Fertility blog on stress and exercise. Here is a quote...

We saw that if you are stressed when you start exercise, your body reacts differently than if you are not chronically stressed and exercise. Not only does it appear that exercise was more stressful for already stressed women, but certainly exercise did not help them lower their stress hormones, which is of course one reason people take up exercising.

I do have a tendency to be stressed without even knowing it. When I think about it though, I know I am placing a lot of pressure on myself to be fit and healthy for bubby. And I am not being very successful, which is definitely causing me stress. Stress that is based on a life-time of stress over the same issues.

This article confirms for me that something is not right. I need to reassess. I need to do one of the most important things for me in this process - find the stress free me.

My knee injury is my sign. It is telling me to stop, to chill out. I am not upset by my knee for a reason. It is time I took a back step and relaxed with my life. I am allowed to let go of the pressure of immediate health and fitness. I am grateful for being forced to stop, for being given a reason to stop. I have been given permission to gradually find my love of walking and living a life of exercise once more.

A quick catch up.

Gosh, I am so far behind in documenting this journey. Life has simply run away from me and the opportunity to sit down and blog hasn't presented itself! In fact, I should be working now!!

So, I thought I would do a quick catch up on whats been going on. (I apologise in advance for not being able to document where I got these photos from. I think it was from a local photographer who put her pictures up on Facebook. I will look into it and make the necessary acknowledgments)

One

According to the Maybe Baby, I still haven't ovulated this month. Two months in a row now. That is a concern, but it is early days still. Acupunturist L is sticking needles into all the right spots and also told me how the ovaries take turns in releasing the eggs, but not always alternate turns. One ovary could release for a few months in a row. So, it could be possible that one ovary isn't working as well as the other. And two months isn't enough to really tell.

The good thing is that I haven't felt like I have ovulated either and I always seem to know. So, it is a temporary glitch. The month before we started tracking, I know for sure that I did, so there is hope!! In the meantime, I keep going to get stuck with needles every week!

Two

After getting the results of the saliva testing a couple of weeks ago, Queen Naturo gave me a new herb mix to boost my baby making ability. (I will go into this in more detail in another post). However, I had a reaction to the new herbs and experienced my first ever migraine. What fun - not! So, now we need to play around with the mix and found out what is causing the problem.

We are both eager for me to take the necessary herbs, but it might take some time to sort it all out.

Three

I am doing everything right, except for the one area in my life that I have always struggled with. Eating well. It really is a struggle for me. I was hoping that the desire to have children would really help, but the old annoying voice in my head still manages to win the battle and overcome my healthy eating desires.

I am trying to not to get stressed about it. That will only make things worse, of course. I know how important it is to cut out the sugars and high GI food. All I can do is keep trying.

In the meantime, I still exercise regularly, take the right supplements, no alcohol, no deli meats, no soft cheese etc etc, all in preparation.

Four

I get the results of the blood tests from the doctor on Friday. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time.

Well, thats it for today. I really should get back to work!!

I'm looking forward to catching up on everyone elses blogs soon!

Love and light

A

Things to avoid before and during pregnancy

There have been a few minor changes in our household in regards to chores since we began on this road to pregnancy.

A couple of months ago, my parents came around and we began our usual together job of gardening. Halfway through poisoning the weeds, I suddenly realised - "hey, I shouldn't be doing this anymore! What if I'm pregnant?" As we are not telling anyone, including my folks at this stage, that we are trying, I finished the job and kept my fingers crossed. As it turned out, I wasn't pregnant.

It's hard with some things to change the routine. The gardening for example, is a difficult one for D to find time for around his schedule. We are not green thumbs by any means and the garden isn't our priority. But things like the weeding and mowing need to be done. The weeds are far too prolific in our garden at this stage, to find the time to always do them by hand. Yet, I can't handle the poisons anymore.

Fortunately I switched to Enjo products rather than using cleaning chemicals a long time ago, so there aren't strong cleaning supplies used in our home anyway. And I have read about particular types of paints that you can use that don't have the fumes. I can look at that in more detail when it comes to paint the baby room.

Another one I discovered is cleaning the kitty litter. There is a risk of disease with cat faeces and all pregnant or pre-pregnant woman are advised not to clean up after their cats. Some sources go as far as to say to give the cats to a friend or family during this time. THATS not going to happen!!! :):) Don't these people know that my cats are my babies too!!!! Geeeeez! :)

Anyway, D has taken over that job. It was strange at first. They are my cats and it has been part of my daily routine for the last 5 years, to clean their tray either before bed or first thing in the morning depending on when its needed. D has taken over the task quite happily though. He is such a good man!

I still find it weird to walk in there, see that it needs to be done and not just do it. However, D is more than happy for me to let him know that it needs doing. So, at least I can still act in some way towards getting the job done by telling him! Weird I know!!

My furry babies

I'm still completely alcohol free. I think its been a month now! It's not very often that I miss it anymore so that is good. Often it is more the idea of it now than anything else. A drink with dinner or over a movie. When it comes to socializing though, D has introduced me to de-alcoholised wine and thats has solved the problem of not wanting to tell anyone that we are trying as well as my desire to enjoy a casual drink with my friends!

Fortunately, I don't drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, or take drugs. So those ones are easy!

And I have already talked about reducing stress in my life. A constant working goal that one! And in changing the diet, I have reduced my sugar intake as well. This is an important one for me also.

There you go. The list of things I'm avoiding!

Next time I will do a post of the things that I am DOING now - with exercise and healthy eating being the most obvious!

Sickness = loss of motivation

I've come down sick the last couple of days. Had a few nights of not sleeping well and that was enough for the germies to find a way into my system.

My naturopath explained to me that it's when we are sleeping between the hours of 11 and 2, that our immune system repairs itself. I didn't really sleep between those hours at all for 3-4 nights in a row. So no wonder the bugs took over.

There are so many nasty bugs around at the moment. I thought I was doing so well staying healthy. And I was, until I couldn't sleep! I have had so many students turning up sick or having been sick. Even several who have been out with swine flu. D has been sick for a couple of weeks.

I hate losing a good flow. I've been so happy with the changes in my life the last couple of weeks. My work schedule has been so much better, and I've easily readopted my old exercise routine and healthy eating.

But now, it's stopped. I'm not at work, not exercising and not eating well!! Ah, the joys of being sick. So, I need to do the right thing and lay low. Get as much rest as I can. And stop doing things around the house!

Yesterday, I cleaned out kitchen cupboards and started on the linen press because I was going mad not doing anything.
Today though, I seem to be more weary, so it might be easier to read in bed and recuperate.

So, for now that is what I will do.
I'm looking forward to doing a post showing my clutter clearing endeavours. Hopefully that will be ready to go soon!

So excited! - first doctors appointment

I knew that I had picked the right doctor!

There are two doctors that I have come to like at the surgery I go to. When it came time to think about which doctor I would like to see me through the journey of conception, pregrancy and bubbie it was a pretty easy choice really. And it was definitely the right choice!

She was great today. Pro-active right from the start! She said that normally she would wait a year before beginning hormone testing etc. but being 40 she wanted to get started quickly. She gave me a form to get hormone tested in my next cycle (as it is too late now in this cycle) and talked about the next steps once that is done. And if in 6 cycles we haven't conceived, then she will take things further.

Initially I was disappointed that it is too late in this cycle to do the blood tests, but on further thinking I am glad. It gives the naturopaths plan for us time to play out. More time on the natural fertility pills and then some time after the results of the tests come in. Depending on the results of the tests I sent off on Monday, QN (Queen Naturopath) will no doubt put me on something else. It will be good to allow that to settle in my system before I go have the blood tests from the doctor.

The doctor was pleased to have discovered that I have tracked my irregular cycles for many years and wants me to bring in the print out to my next appointment. She was also pleased that we are doing the Maybe Baby. She wasn't concerned that there had been no sign of ovulation this cycle. She said that it does happen at my age that you don't ovulate every month and she has automatically included ovulation testing in the blood test request.

And not once did she mention weight! That pleased me no end!!! After hearing other reports, I was so expecting that to be the first thing she mentioned. In the end, I brought it up. I said that I knew the most important thing was for me to be living healthily (which we had already talked about), but was it a disadvantage being overweight? And her answer - dadadadada...... NO! Woohooo!! I like this doctor! She said that it only makes a difference when woman are morbidly obese and as I am not.... then NO! Exactly the same as QN! She did say that it can help the process to lose some weight but this answer was still NO! As I have already changed my lifestyle back to a healthy one, I am covering that base as well.

Oh, and she also didn't roll her eyes at the word naturopath. Just nodded her head when I said that I see one regularly.

So, I am pleased. Very pleased. I have me a supportive, pro-active doctor who I trust to see us through this wonderful part of our life.

Still no ovulating day.

Day 24 of our first cycle watching it through Maybe Baby. Still no change to show that I've ovulated. mmm. Yet its just the first month of being pro-active, first month of beginning the naturopaths fertility path. The tests go to the hormone clinic today, so we will find out what is going on soon and on Wednesday I go to the doctors to start that process.

So, its far too early to be unhappy about anything. Nevertheless, the emotion has been simmering away today. 'Why hasn't there been a change?', I keep thinking.

D reminded me today that we don't want to get consumed by this process and he is absolutely right. Yet, its a bit hard when every morning I need to take the test and three times a day need to remember to take my pills, with two lots of them needing to be an hour away from food!! Yes, the phone comes into play giving me reminders to do those two pill pops!

I am one to always try to look at the positive in things. This is no different. I'm not going to dwell on negative thinking because there is so much positive thinking to be had. Why is it though, that the negative is easier to fall into than the positive??!! :):) The positive is SO much better!

lisawarninger.wordpress

The difference in me, I realised this morning, is a huge one from where I was two years ago. We all have conflicting emotions sometimes, happiness and sadness together, excitement and tiredness together etc. In the past, mine has mostly been underlined with the sadness. Happy, bubbly me with the sadness lingering hidden, simmering away.

Now things are different. I have felt a little sad this morning, yes. But underneath it all, I am still so very happy! I'm peaceful with it, content with it, eager to be a better me with it.

And while I am keen to become pregnant asap!!!, there is another part of me that wants to get fitter first, to lose some weight first, to really re-establish my healthy eating patterns. I want to be the best me I can in order to healthily nourish and grow our child.

So, this early stage is all about discovering what is going on, what is working or not working for us and having a lot of fun in the process!!!!! And if I get pregnant tomorrow, woohooooo!!!!! And if I get pregnant in a few months a little fitter and healthier, woohhoooooo!! to that too!

Things are as they are meant to be.

And I feel happier already for having written this post!

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