DNA test results

Good morning everyone.  I hope you are all doing well and flourishing in this crazy world we live in!

Dave and I went for our follow up appointment with the OB on Monday.  It's been 6 weeks since we lost our baby.  It's hard to believe it has been so long.  In some ways, it still feels like last week.  In others, I can feel the healing that has been going on and we are doing so much better.

The DNA tests results showed that we had a little girl.  I'm so glad to know that.  I can't describe how I felt to find out, or how I feel now, but there is something about knowing the sex of our child that is wonderful.  It is heartwarming.

But there was a serious genetic problem.  She had Edwards Syndrome Trisomy 18.  There was only a 1 in 2000 chance of us conceiving a child with this disorder.  There is so much to say about how I feel about that, but first, what is Edwards Syndrome?

It is similiar to Downs Syndrome in that there is an extra chromosone.  Downs Syndrome has an extra chromosome 21, Edwards Syndrome has an extra chromosone 18.  It is much more serious than Downs with most children dying in utero in the second or third trimester.  Some make it to full term, either being still born or living for only a week at the most.  There are exceptions as always, with a rare few children living till they are older, although with severe handicaps.  It is rare for any child to live past the age of 5.

How do I feel about beating the odds again, but this time in such a tragic way?  Distraught.  At first it was such a relief.  We know what happened.  It wasn't our fault.  It wasn't my age or the quality of my eggs or anything that we did.  It was tragic bad luck.  But why, why, why?  Our slim shot at parenthood ended like this.  Why, why, why?  Why were we that one in the 2000?

We also learnt that it is more common as you get older.  The odds for a younger woman are 1 in 6000.  And that is because as we got older, our bodies lose the ability to know when there is a genetic problem.  A 25 year old woman wouldn't have gotten to the second trimester with a Trisomy 18 baby, because her body would have known and rejected the embryo straight away.  She would have just had a late period.

But the fact is, we had prepared for a Downs child.  We had already made the decision not to have an amnio.  If our child was Downs, it didn't matter.  We didn't care.  It was our child to love and care for and treasure.  But I had never heard of Edwards Syndrome.  It was never mentioned by any doctor (unlike the Downs possibility) because the chances of it were so unlikely.

Yet here we are.  Learning this news has set me back a ways in my healing.  I am so upset by it.  I feel so much for our little girl.  I still love her so much.  And I wish she was here with us, with just the right amount of chromosones to help her live a full and rich life.  But she will always live on in my heart and I now need to deal with the knowledge of her diagnosis.

So where to from here?  Today, I am making an appointment with our fertiltiy OB to begin the process of transferring our frozen embryo.  One good thing from this news, is that I have a little bit of hope back.  I hope that we have already done the "1 in however many" chance of genetic problems.  I have hope that now we will now be the 1999 in 2000 chance of having a healthy child. The problem is that we also beat the odds in getting pregnant in the first place.  I don't have a lot of hope that we can do it again.

Our frozen embryo is called "Nemo".  Dave gave it that name when it first went to be frozen.  It has a nickname already.  That's gotta be a good thing.

Love and Light
xxx

Searching for what helps

I've started to write a post several times and have ended up deleting it all.  It's just so hard to write about what has being going on for me for the last four weeks.  And in the end, it all just sounds so depressing and not something I can imagine anyone else wanting to read.

But, time is marching on, I'm allowing my emotions to run the course that they need to, and while I am still struggling with so many things, I am now at a point of trying to find my way through them, of trying to recover.  As well as sharing my journey in cyber space, this blog has always been a way for me to document our fertility journey.  While I couldn't post about the last few weeks when I was in it, I can now document what I've been dealing with by describing how I am trying to get beyond it.  A positive, forward thinking conversation rather than one of being in the depths of the emotions.

The loss of motherhood

This has been one of the hardest things that is happening.   I've felt such despair and heartache and an incredible sense of loss and nothingness.  So, I've had to begin to look at the rest of my life.  What I am going to do with it now?  For years, it has always been about working towards spending it caring for our children.  Now it has to be something different.  And it has to be something good or I'm going to go completely insane.

So, Dave and I crunched the figures and made the decision that we will live frugally so I can take the rest of the year off from teaching.  As it is turning out, for several reasons I can't bring myself to leave one of my schools, so I will still have a day a week of teaching, plus the day a week still working for my brother on his bookwork.

I need to time to find myself, to recover spiritually, physically and emotionally.  And I have to find something that I am passionate about.  I believe that will be a change of career and direction.  I've been teaching now for 25 years.  And I was probably over it 5 years ago!  But it was always going to be a really good option to fit in with motherhood.  Now, I have to time to search and meditate on what my life will be in the future. 

It brings sadness to my heart to know what has brought me to this place in my life, but I am grateful to have such a wonderful husband to support me through these changes and to allow me the time to find myself.

The loss of hope and the fear of pregnancy

Somewhere in the back of all of this is the knowledge that we have another shot.  We have a frozen embryo to implant.  But I have completely lost any sense of hope or positivity that we will ever be successful. Thus, all of the above stuff.  And I have such an overwhelming fear of being pregnant and going through it all again.

All my life, no matter what the circumstances, I have always had hope and positivity that things will work out.  To lose that core part of me is... gosh I can't think of a word for it.  I am completely lost.  I am flattened by not having these feelings of hope to ground me and keep me positive - to keep me moving forward.

The only thing I've been able to do is to just wait.  Wait and see how these feelings developed, to see where the journey of healing leads me.

Combine that with the absolute fear of pregnancy that I now have.  I am terrified of trying again.  I don't want to.  How can I possibly go through it again.  I had such a hard time of it in the 12 weeks that I was pregnant that I just don't believe my old 40 something body capable of it.

Once again, I am allowing myself the time to accept these feelings for what they are right now.  Allow them to be, try not to supress them as is my usual form, and let them heal and evolve.

More solutions

So, I'm working through it.  I know I'm in survival mode.  My old patterns of survival have surfaced and I know that I'm squashing down a lot of emotions.  But in the end, I will work through all of this new stuff as well as all of my old stuff.

One really important way of doing that has been through clutter clearing.  I have gone through my house like there is no tomorrow.  I have thrown out a full rubbish bin worth of stuff.  Stuff that I don't use, stuff that has no meaning to me anymore, stuff that is now too old.  My home is becoming less cumbersome, more organised, more clear.

And I've had this strange feeling of being more a part of my home, living more fully in it, and in turn, living more fully in myself.  It's a new feeling and not really solid yet, but something is definitely going on there.

I've also gotten back to swimming.  After having a weeks trial at my local pool, I've joined for a 6 month membership.  Getting in the water is so therapeutic.  I just love it.  And after I've swam my laps, I just revel in it, floating and going under the water.  The exercise is doing wonders for me - there is just something about what swimming does for the body.  And the water is doing wonders for my soul.

So, I might be a mess, but I'm working through it.  I'm seeing my therapist as well as my kinesiologist and they are both helping in their usual freaky combined way.  After today's session with the kinesiologist, I feel like maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to swim and not sink (no pun intended, but how appropriate!). 

Part of me feels like it's a betrayal to our child to be getting better, but I know I can't think that way.  I will always remember and I know that our child would want me to be well and remember with love, not despair.   So, as I stay positive with this blog, searching for the good and the helpful things that are in my life, I will continue to move forward.

Love and Light
xxx

Our weekend escape

Im writing this post on my tablet from a b and b in the country. It is a pain to type but hear I go anyway. Dave is having a nap and I am sipping red wine. It has been good to get away.

This morning we walked along the beach and then took a picnic lunch to a lovely waterfall in the forest. And that was after a soothing dip in the spa after bacon and eggs for breakfast. Just lovely.

Ive stopped crying. Now my emotions are just confused. I am looking forward to seeing the shrink on monday and starting to get some help with it all.

Ive said my goodbyes and let go of the little soul that was with us for a short time. I miss him/her. My child. I hope one day it can return.

There are so many things to say about how ive been feeling but it is too hard to type on the tablet.

I need to see all my family at once tomorrow at my great nephews first birthday party. That is going to be hard. But I want to go. Its an important day for my niece.

Thank you for the lovely supportive comments. They meant a lot.

Love and light
Xxx

It's over.

On Monday, I went with my Mum to my 12 week scan.  It showed that our baby had died about a week ago.  I keep seeing our lifeless baby on the screen and the look on the doctors face as he prepared to tell me.  I could see the heart on the screen with no movement.  I could see the shape of our baby, his arms and legs, his head.  Just all still.  Those images will haunt me forever.

I also keep remembering what our previous scan was like.  Seeing the heartbeat, watching our child kick his legs and wave his arms.  We were so ecstatic. 

But now it's over.  And we are devastated.  I had to call Dave and tell him over the phone.  He is devastated he wasn't there with me.  We didn't expect it.  Everything was going so well.  It was a routine scan. 

I asked Mum to come with me when Dave's work prevented him from going.  She was so excited.  She had never seen a baby ultrasound before.  They weren't around when I was born.  I am so glad she was able to come with me and I wasn't alone.

I had a d and c at the hospital yesterday.  Physically I am recovering well.  Emotionally - well, that's another story.  After going home on Monday and starting to grieve, we decided to book in the d and c for the next day.  The doctor said I could wait for our child to miscarry naturally but it may take a week or two before my body realised I wasn't pregnant.  And even then, there was a 50% chance that I may still have needed a d and c.  I couldn't wait for so many reasons.  One, I couldn't go through the miscarriage on my own.  It would be just too awful.  Two, the thought of my child being dead inside me was just too traumatic to bear.  Even after just a few hours it was messing with me.

I am distraught that it is over.  I feel empty.  I am heartbroken.

I am seeing my naturopath today to get what I need to deal with this both physically and emotionally.  And I am seeing my shrink on Monday.  I am searching for ways to honor our child and looking around at support groups.  We are thinking that the best thing for us to do to honor him/her would be planting a tree.  Maybe a fruit tree in our backyard.

Our first baby scan photos from the fertility clinic arrived in the mail today - 4 weeks late.  What awful timing.  I don't know what to do with them.  Maybe one day I will be able to look at them.  Not now.

Dave is working from home today.  He doesn't want to be away from me at the moment and I don't want to be alone.  We need each other.

Thank you everyone for all your support throughout our journey.  The journey isn't over yet, but it is for the next few months while we both recover emotionally and while my body recovers.  The last seven months have been gruelling and to have it end like this...  well there aren't really any words.  We need time.

We have decided to go away this weekend.  We have booked a little heritage bed and breakfast about an hour's drive away in the country.  It is by the beach.  I am looking forward to the quiet and the fresh sea air to begin to heal our grief.  It will take time, but this weekend away will be a good start.

Love and Light
Annie
xx

The days before egg harvest

The days continue to chop and change with side effects.  I had a great day on Friday but totally collapsed in exhaustion late afternoon and that continued throughout Saturday.  Then I picked up Saturday night and wasn't able to sleep till midnight!  Go figure!  Today I am once again feeling quite weary.

Wednesday I had my last scan before harvest on Monday.  My follicles have continued to develop and there were around 10 measuring 13-14mm.  So, I would imagine they have reached the goal size of 17mm by now.  I'm feeling sore and heavy in the ovaries and I find that if I have a full bladder it is more uncomfortable!

We did the last puregon and orgalutron injections on Friday night and did the trigger injection (ovidrel) last night (Saturday).  So today is a day off for injections before theatre tomorrow.

I must admit to not coping all that well in the last few days.  I think doing this round on the back end of two miscarriages is taking its toll on my emotions and body.  At this point, I don't know that I could go through another round.  Fingers crossed we won't have to! 

I also have a lot of anxiety over going under for the egg harvest.  I have so many fears of it, all related to my physical well being.  I always fear the worst.  I just need to remember that I get knocked out and then in the next blink of an eye it is all over.  And that during the procedure I am under good care.  If anything goes wrong, I have an absolutely awesome doctor, in fact I will have two doctors for this procedure, so I am being well looked after.  It doesn't take away my fear but I am focusing in on those thoughts to help me.

Today we are hanging out with some friends.  They are moving house in a couple of weeks and I offered to help them pack.  It will be a good distraction as well as great company for the day.  I'll do what I can energy wise and I know Dave will keep an eye out for me and not let me do too much.

I'm looking forward to the next week moving along quickly.  The 5 day wait after the harvest to find out if we have any good embryos and then the transfer procedure.  All things I will be glad to have completed.

Wish me luck for Monday's harvest!

The next step toward parenthood

Friday saw us back to the fertility clinic for our OB appointment.  It was the first time we have ever seen a real hopefulness from her!  She has always been very supportive and encouraging and has always maintained our own sense of hope, but she was always conservative in her own beliefs for our success.  My age, history and her own experience of woman in their 40's was the reason for her conservativeness.

Now however, things have changed - both for her and us.  In the last two weeks, she has had success with another woman in my age bracket and she is so excited about it!  That, along with my last two natural pregnancies has given her much cause for hope and she is doing everything she can to try to reach another good outcome!  She is just as eager as we are to find that one, or two!, good embryos.

That gives us even more hope!

While my insulin tests are still in the normal range, they are on the high end.  Always on the cutting edge, our OB has been involved in new research that has shown that high insulin can be a factor in miscarriages.  So, I have been put on a low dosage medication to bring my insulin levels down.  The only problem is that I think I may be suspectible to the one side effect she mentioned - gastro.  Yesterday was my first day on the meds and last night showed an inkling of that side effect.  We will see how things go!!

Everything is in place now for our next ICSI round to begin when I start my next cycle.  Dave hit the road this morning for a two week work trip, so I will have to inject myself for a little while.  If I don't start for another week (which I am guessing will probably be the case), he will be back in plenty of time for his part in the process.  Otherwise he will cut his work trip short, which would be a real pain in the neck for him.  Fingers crossed the timing all works out for the best.

I am looking forward to starting again.  I really am hopeful and, no matter what happens during the round, I love being pro-active in our journey toward parenthood.  I love knowing that we are being treated and monitored toward pregnancy, taking out the random chance that we have lived with for so long.  Bring it on!!

Life has continued to be better for me.  I am still feeling much more energized and my enthusiasm for life is still growing back to its normal state!  I am grateful to be on the healing side of the last two miscarriages.

--------------------------

So, now for the wedding picture!  I loved this spot and found it through another bride who got married at our venue a few weeks before hand.  The wedding co-ordinator said it was roughly "over there somewhere!!", so a week before our wedding, I went to the national park next to the venue and hunted through until I found this location just a short 5 minute walk away from the gate.

Professional help

A few months ago, I took advantage of the free counselling service they have the fertility clinic.  I needed to talk to a professional about all that had been going on.  The lady was really good and it was so helpful to talk to her.

In the process of my session, the issues of my eating addiction came up.  She recommended another shrink who she believed would really be able to help me.  This lady, Shona, is just amazing.  I've had 7 sessions with her and they have been amazing and intense and really helpful.  But my allocated sessions have run out, so I needed to go and have a review with the doctor to get 4 more assisted sessions.

My doctor has been good with our fertility journey and I told the doctor about the last two miscarriages.  She added a second reason that I still needed counselling - grief. 

I've often talked about the loss I feel, but understanding that there is grief surrounding that loss makes so much sense.  I'd shut down, not able to function, not interested in anything.  All symptoms of grief.  My kinesiologist came up with the fact that I am dealing with a feeling of being let down.  It is good to be able to put some words to the confusing array of feelings that I have been having.

I started back at work today. It was good to have a routine in the day.  It was a good day.

I'm also going to the naturopath on Thursday.  I am taking a naturopathic supplement for depression, but it's low dose and is not really working.  There was another one I used to take that worked much better so I will talk to about that and all the other difficulties I am struggling with right now.  It's time to get back on track.  I've been shut down long enough.

Another brief pregnancy

Following on from conceiving after we got married and not succeeding with that pregnancy, I then proceeded to conceive again the very next cycle - on our honeymoon!  That also would have been a good story - but was also not to be.

This loss was so much harder for so many reasons.  Two in a row.  And also this one went for longer and started with a little bit of hope.

My hormone levels were monitored right from the moment I knew that I had implanted.  The first two tests gave us some hope.  But more importantly this pregnancy FELT different.  I felt as though I had a little life growing in me, I felt a connection, a prescence.  It might sound strange and I don't know what other women have experienced in that regard.  But I felt something completely different to the other two times.

So when we got the third blood test that showed that things were progressing as they should, we were so disappointed.  For another three weeks I was monitored.  The pregnancy kept hobbling along with no real progress, but my hcg levels kept rising just a little bit every time.  However, instead of doubling every 2 days, I would only go up my 20.  By the end of those three weeks, instead of being in the thousands, I was at 180.

And then I started bleeding.  And I shut down.  Even now, I am still struggling, but I'm better.  I lost any interest in anything.  I stayed home, didn't do anything, watched TV.  Every now and then something would grab my attention and I would be so glad to do it.  But for the most part, there was nothing.  Not even any tears.  Just nothing.

I was grateful to be on school holidays and I didn't judge myself for my behaviour.  I just let it all happen and allowed myself to respond in whatever way I needed. 

I bled for a week, then a week later I started bleeding again.  It was old blood that still needed to remove itself.  It was unpleasant.  And has nearly lasted for a week so far.

This loss has hit me hard.  I finally cried about it a few days ago.  Even now, writing this, the tears are welling up.  We were so desperate to start an IVF round in November last year.  To grab those eggs of mine before they got any older.  To be assured of getting a good embryo to transfer.  Now, two natural invalid pregnancies later, we are still waiting and my eggs are getting older.

So this cycle, there will no unprotected sex!!  It helps that Dave is away for most of the month with work!  And we will try for our fourth ICSI round next cycle.

I have had copious amounts of blood taken and am being tested for all sorts of things, including the antiobodies that can cause miscarriage.  So far all the tests have come back healthy, but the antibodies test takes longer to come in.  It could be a few more weeks yet before we now that one.

The positive thing in all of this, is that my body is trying to get pregnant.  We went three and a half years with only one pregnancy in that time and now...  two cycles in a  row, I have conceived.  Something has changed. 

• I think a lot of it has to do with having the polyp removed from my uterine wall last round.  
• It is also the prayers that were being said for an entire month by the monks in Japan which my beautiful friend organised for me on her holidays.  
• It could be the kinesiology sessions I have been having and the counselling sessions that are matching up with the kinesiology in a way that is just a little freaky.  
• I also like to think it's because we are married now.

Whatever the reason, it has given us, and even my doctor, a little more hope that if we can just find the right embryo, things will turn out well.

Day 1

It’s Day 1 today.  I’m still having those uncomfortable uterine pains which I relate to my last pregnancy, but upon googling others experiences of post-miscarriage PMS, it all seems fairly normal.

It can take 3-4 months for the body to return to normal.  Until then, the symptoms can often make you feel as though you may be pregnant again.  Which is exactly what I am experiencing.  It is quite different to my usual PMS and period pain.  For me, as with some other women who have written over the net, I am experiencing lower back pain, cramping which is more like a constant dull ache or stretching sensation, nausea, mild breast tenderness and tiredness.  All of which, can be symptoms of pregnancy!  It can all be so confusing!

Last cycle, I began experiencing these things right after ovulation.  This time, they started about a week ago, along with a mood change of feeling quite sad one morning, which is a common PMS thing for me. 

The positive thing is that this is a 30 day cycle.  Having always had irregular cycles - , they can be anything from 30 – 36 days - having a 30 day cycle is a good sign for me.  I still have the hope that having experienced a pregnancy, my body has been reminded on what it has to do and is making the changes already.

As for what to do next, I have had enough of waiting to get pregnant.  I’m getting in with the OB asap!

A response!

Two posts in one day.  This one is in answer to Anita, who wrote a comment to my post The Journey Through.

I’ve always appreciated Anita’s comments and concern and support for our journey.  I value her on-line friendship greatly.  In this comment, she expressed her concern over my physical and emotional trials and wondered if it wasn’t time that I get on with fertility treatments and “get on with the business of being a wife and mom! :)”

She was writing this comment, just as I was writing my last post “Again???”, which came with a much more healed and renewed approach!

I started to write a response and after about 5 paragraphs, realised it was much more than a comment and has now morphed into this post documenting where we are with our thinking on fertility treatments!!

 

We had just started the fertility treatment process, when I got pregnant naturally.  It was amazing!  We were so excited.  Even though it didn’t work out, we have found renewed hope that we can do this naturally.  So we have decided to give it just a couple of months to see if it can happen again!

I so don't want to go through all the hormone treatments of fertility.  I know I will struggle with them, with the emotions and the time, and all else that goes with it.  Ultimately though, I will do anything of course, but just a couple of months of trying is the right choice for us now.  It will be good!

In retrospect, we are very happy that we got pregnant before going too far into the process with the OB that we saw.  I didn't like him!  He was very negative about getting pregnant over 40 and I don't need that attitude or the energy that he gave out.  We have another name of an OB now (a female), recommended by our doctor, and will go with her if unsuccessful this month and the next.  This will also take me closer to the end of the year and the summer break, which will be much easier to handle.

While I don't like the emotions/physical things that have been happening, I do see them as an important growth process for me, just as they were last time – 12 years ago.  I realised last night that I haven't binged for nearly three weeks now.  I feel the changes that are happening in my life, and I'm so glad.  Things are on the improve.

Thank you so much Anita for your concern and your support!   

Love and light

xx

The journey through.

Well, we are back in the two week wait once again.  Last cycles thoughts of being pregnant again didn’t come to fruition.  Which in retrospect, was good.  We wanted to wait a cycle just to get things back to normal. 

I’ve been struggling a lot with panic attacks, anxiety and the desire to do anything at all.  The chest pains from the panic attacks have been strong and scary and it has been all I could do just to get through the days.

However, things are starting to pick up again. 

I believe that a lot of the reasons for my anxiety, aside from the obvious – miscarriage, work etc - has been the cycle of unhealthy eating due to stress which causes unhealthy eating with causes stress and on and on.  But my body has finally said “that is enough, take these chest pains to scare you back to eating well and reducing your stress levels.” 

I’ve been through this before – exactly the same thing happened when my body decided it was time I gave up smoking.  Those pains and anxieties (which are the same as now) saw me going to the doctors, specialists and having ECG’s.  Everything was fine.  I know what is happening.

Once again it has worked.  Two weeks ago, through fear, I could only eat the food basics.  Even then, the pains would come back, but each day they were diminishing.  To make matters worse, Dave was away for the week for work, so I was on my own trying to handle it all.  But I got through it – one step closer to being better.

I also made a big decision and resigned from the Flute Society – which was a big volunteering commitment on my part.  In many ways it was an important part of being active in the flute world, almost an obligation.  A thing that if you didn’t do, it put you in the bad books.  But I caught up with the President for coffee and explained to her what was going on and she was most understanding and helpful in making it all happen.  The weight that lifted off my shoulders from doing this was amazingly significant!

Last week,  with my chest pains diminished and less frequent, I introduced exercise again.  I took Maxy on walks at the beautiful Christies Creek Trail, which was wonderful for both of us!

This week, I hope to introduce the stepper again.  Being in the two week wait, I’m not quite game to go back to the gym.  I am concerned that starting up there again in the first weeks of pregnancy would not be good.  I know the equipment to avoid now, but still…  I’ll start there again if we aren’t successful this time around.

The problem post miscarriage is that you start looking back.  Even though you know it was nothing that you did, you start analysing.  Maybe it was the machines at the gym, maybe it was yoga classes, maybe it was the massage I had before I knew I was pregnant, maybe it was…  And so it goes on.  It was probably none of them.  It was nature.  But nevertheless, I can’t bring myself to go back to the gym during the two week wait.

So, after two weeks of gradually getting back on track, I am feeling much better.  It doesn’t take much for the chest pains to emerge again, but they are manageable and I am sleeping well.  I am still struggling somewhat with the daily grind, but I am back to enjoying pottering around the house and doing all the domestic chores.  And I feel such a sense of relief and letting go of the Flute Society.  Things are progressing.

Dave doesn’t understand my chest pains and anxiety, just like he doesn’t understand my eating disorder.  And I can’t seem to successfully explain it to him. I think it’s one of the those things that if you haven’t experienced it, you can’t understand it.  But that’s ok. Even though we can’t connect and talk about it the way I can with someone who has been through it, he is still supporting me just by being there and loving me.  I absolutely would not be surviving this without him.  He is my rock, my comforter, my strength, my shoulder to lean on (literally and figuratively!), my constant, my love.  “I love him to the core of my soul.”

Frustration

Today is the first day of my holidays.  I still have the accounting to do, but there is no more music camp or music course and no more school for 10 days.  The last week and a half were a real push.  I was pushing every second to get out of the house and then get through the day.  I am so grateful to be free for a little while.

The last two days of camp were good.  I enjoyed them and I felt my mood lift.  Then I realised that during that time I was starting to feel the pregnancy symptoms that I had before.  Lower abdomen cramping and sneezing.  And I started to think that I may be pregnant again.  Could that have explained my change in mood?

Then I learnt that it isn’t until after implantation that hcg levels begin to rise and pregnancy symptoms start appearing.  Today would only be day 6 after conception, if there is a conception, so it is highly unlikely.  But what are these symptoms I am having?

We had not intended to try again until the next cycle, to allow my body to get back to normal.  But for one afternoon, we felt great.  I was happy and relaxed and being together was wonderful.  We didn’t care about contraception. 

A couple of days earlier, I had wondered if I might have ovulated, but I wasn’t sure.  We both thought – what are the chances?  Not very good considering our history.  One in a billion.  Yet, here I am wondering if I’m pregnant, starting to “feel” pregnant (is it just in my head?) and, before a few hours ago, getting very excited.  Just the idea of being pregnant, feeling these symptoms again, such joy.

But now, I am just feeling depressed.  I saw the doctor today for another reason and talked to her about it.  In a week and a half, I will do a test.  At this stage, there would be no hcg levels.  No symptoms.  God, this waiting really sucks.

I was enjoying and looking forward to a few weeks of not worrying about conception.  Having a few drinks, painting the house, eating ham and soft cheese.  All the things I haven’t been doing!  Now, I don’t want to do that, just in case.

Just in case.  Am I destined for more disappointment in two weeks time?  At a time, that I am meant to be free of pregnancy thoughts for a little while.  It wasn’t intentional.  Just one of those things.  And it was a happy thing.  I wouldn’t take it back at all.  I wouldn’t make a different decision about whether or not to use contraception that glorious afternoon.  It was the right thing.

Well at the very least, I guess this is a step away from the miscarriage.  I just hope it is in the right direction.  Whatever way it works, I will always believe it is part of my journey.  Things happen as they are destined to and I’m tired of trying to understand why.  Just accept and hand it over.

A better day.

This morning I woke up feeling normal!  No deep sadness, no anxiety pains.  I didn’t have the overwhelmingly sad dreams that I have been having every night.  Wow.  It feels so different. 

Unfortunately, Dave heads off on Monday for another week away.  This is the time of year that he has to travel.  It is just bad timing for me.  Last time he was away (last week) was when my anxiety kicked in, and that was just 2 nights.  Hopefully I will be fine. 

I have a flute course for the week, so it will be something different and I will be spending the day with colleagues listening to one of the “Gods” of the flute world rather than in a little room on my own teaching my students.  That has got to be better for me!   It is a lot of travel every day as it is in the city and I live in the outer suburbs but today, for the first time, I am looking forward to it. 

Today is my last teaching day for three weeks.  (Aside from one exam student during the holidays).  I am looking forward to my last student!  My three weeks “holidays” though are not holidays.  Next week – flute course.  The week after I am tutoring at music camp.  And the following week I have to get the EOFY accounting done. 

I really could do with a full week off, but I should be able to grab a few days here and there.  And if I go into Dave’s office to do the accounting, not only will I be with him, but I will be more focused and should get it done more quickly.

So, a better day today.  I am grateful.

Handing it over to God.  And Trusting.

A rough road

This last week has been a whirl of panic attacks, anxiety and depression.  I keep looking for a way out but just can’t find the path.  I think there is a large part of my unconscious mind that just doesn’t want to.  When I see a ray of light and possibility, my mind shuts down to it, it doesn’t want to hear it.  However do I deal with that?

I’m in a destructive whirl from which I can’t break free.  Why do I make the choices that I make?  Why do I live from a state of unconsciousness?  I feel like I have no control over my life.  aahh.  click.  That’s because I am meant to be handing over control.  And I need to do this daily.

What I need to do is so simple. 

• Make healthy food choices
• Exercise
• Do a daily devotion to God.

So simple, yet so beyond me.  It makes no sense.

I went to Queen Naturo last week to get some herbal assistance.  I have something for relieve anxiety and to uplift my mood.  She provided me with some wonderful motivational thoughts that lasted for all of about a day and a half.   I can’t live like this.

I have so many work commitments for the next three weeks that are taking over my thoughts and not giving me any time to change my behaviours.  I only took one day off from work after the miscarriage, because I just can’t take more time.  I get one weeks holiday in three weeks.  But I don’t want to have to wait until then to achieve anything.  I need relief now.

I have the day off today with a concert tonight.  But today has seen me go more in a whirl than ever.  A whirl of my destructive behaviours, rather than taking on the things that will help me.  I don’t understand this.

Dave has been waking up very early lately, that probably hasn’t helped.  I need to sleep longer than 5.30 am.  We are also still in the middle of chaos with our house renovations.

Okay, so what to do?  What to do? 

One step at a time.  One step at a time.  And hand it over to God.

Beginning the journey back.

The only physical symptom that I’m having today is complete and utter exhaustion.  I just can’t seem to get back my energy levels.  But apart from that and slightly sore boobs, I’m grateful to be feeling so much better.

I woke up in a good emotional state and that has remained during the day.  I’m struggling with the exhaustion and the emotion of having to keep on keeping on.  But I’m so grateful to be getting better.

I’ve been able to relax this afternoon.  I worked in the morning and will again this evening.  But the afternoon has been all mine and I have chilled in front of a movie with a glass of wine.  Wonderful.

Somehow I will get through my big day tomorrow and then I have a small day on Thursday and the day off on Friday.  In between I do have to write reports.  I keep forgetting about them!!  Shite!  Have to hand them in Friday.  But I can probably do them that morning.  I’m prepared, I just need to get the words down.  It will be fine.

So, what now?  Well, I know it’s time to move on from the miscarriage and begin looking forward again.  Easier said than done.  I’m sure there is still more that I need to work through on an emotional level.  But that is where I feel I need to start directing my attention.  Forward.  To getting my life back on track.  To digging out of the hole and seeing the surface again. 

Mmmm…

It seems a bit impossible right now, but I will get there!!

Thank you everyone for all your wonderful support.  I have been blessed with your love and care.  It’s made a huge difference.  Thank you.

Grateful for the bushwalk!

It was a great morning bushwalking yesterday!  I took it easy which was no problems with the little kids that were with us.  About 30 minutes in, we hit a beautiful patch of nature and I went mad with the camera and my spirits and physical energy lifted.  I feel so renewed.

Later in the day, I began to feel the effects of the exercise.  My body felt good, but I also started to get dizzy and a little nauseous and very tired.  I was so grateful for the walk though, that I didn’t care.  I just curled up in front of the TV and chilled out with D.  And went to bed very early and slept right through.

I woke up with a deep sadness this morning.  Not like the cloud of depression that swamped me on Saturday, but just so sad.  It doesn’t feel directed toward or about anything in particular.  It is just there.  As the day as gone on, it has lifted significantly.  But I suspect it may return again in the morning.  We’ll see.

Physically, I feel fine today.  Some very minor abdomen discomfort, but nothing of great note.  I think I may be nearly healed, physically.  I am grateful for that.

Post miscarriage pains and bushwalking!

I’ve done a lot of internet searching the last few days about miscarriages and have found a lot of information.  But what I haven’t found is any information or anyone’s stories about the type of cramping that they have had.  Aside from the standard “period like” cramps that are to be expected, I’ve also had sharp stabbing pains that are more muscular and today, a new type of pain.  It is higher up in my abdomen and comes and goes like a pulse. 

I did read one ladies comment that the sharp stabbing pain could have been the cervix shrinking back into pre-pregnancy shape, but it was isolated comment and certainly there has been no official explanation anywhere talking about this.  Not even my doctor gave any explanation for it.  But in reverse when I was feeling these pains when I was just pregnant, she did say that it was normal.  Once again, no explanation that it may have been the cervix expanding and once again, I got that thought from a forum.

So, if anyone has any thoughts or experiences or “official” information on this, it would be much appreciated!!

I am feeling much better emotionally today and with the exception of these new abdomen pains, better physically too.

Several weeks ago, we organised a bushwalking trip with friends and that is today.  I’m not sure how I will go, but certainly I will go better today than I would have even yesterday.  I will take it easy and see.  But being out in the bush in the best place for me.  It speaks to my soul and lifts my spirits.  It always makes me so happy!  So, even if I have to hang back or sit and rest while the others go on, surely it’s going to be good for me.  Fingers crossed that that will be the case and it won’t do the opposite and wear me out again!

I will let you know!! 

Bye for now,
love and light,
xxxx

The Cloud

Today all rational and clear thinking has evaporated and I have awoken in a cloud of depression.  It probably hasn’t helped that I haven’t eaten well the last couple of days, but that is all a part of the way I’ve unconsciously always handled sadness.  Unfortunately, it also creates a vicious cycle. 

I don’t think today will be a day to try and face that as well though.  D has to work today.  A unrealistic customer means he has to work throughout the weekend to meet this customers demands.  Which means I am on my own today (Saturday), which is probably not a good thing. Because now I can just curl up in a ball and be consumed by todays depression.  D can so often bring laughter back into my spirit. 

I’ve been bleeding for nearly a week now.  And it could go on for another week yet.  Natural miscarriage always last longer than having a d+c.  But I’m glad that I’ve been able to stay away from a curette. But whatever way, it all sucks.  Big time.

I called the doctor today to find out the results of yesterdays blood tests. My HCG levels are down to 17 - from 74 on Tuesday and 310 on Sunday.  So, there is no need to get another test.  The trend is clear.  Pre-pregnancy numbers are back.

Right now I don’t feel that I can cope with anything.  I have to work again next week and I just don’t see how I can do it.  But I have no choice.  I have to.  I must get back to eating well.  I know that will help.  And that was meant to be one of the good things to come out of being pregnant – healthy eating.  But it hasn’t lasted through these emotions.

I will be glad to move pass this part of the recovery process.

Feelings after an early miscarriage

The thing with an early miscarriage is that you don’t get a chance to connect with your child.  A pregnancy that just never took, means that there was never a heartbeat, there was never a chance to feel your child, to really know that he/she was there.  You go through the early pregnancy symptoms - sore breasts, abdomen pains as ligaments start to stretch – but you never get to the morning sickness because your HCG levels never got high enough.   The pregnancy failed long before it ever really got started.

When you find out you are pregnant, you get so excited at the prospects that are ahead of you and you start to plan.  But you never actually get to the stage of putting any plans into action, because it ended all too soon.

And you realise that you never actually got your child.  The fertilised egg that you made didn’t go anywhere.  Your HCG levels never even got into the thousands.  There was no chance.  And you realise that you aren’t actually feeling the loss of a child, but the loss of the potential of a child for which you have longed for so long. 

And then you become scared that you won’t be able to get pregnant again.  And that if you do, you won’t be able to hold on to the next egg either and you will have to go through this all over again.  Or that maybe you will get further, maybe you will get to hear a heartbeat only to have to go through even greater grief of losing the growing child that you did begin to connect with.

So where does that leave me?

It leaves me with the only thing I can do.  To once again hand it over to God.  To accept that I cannot possibly understand the spiritual plan of my life.   To accept that there are never any answers.  To simply believe.  To be patient.  To trust that what is meant to happen in my life is happening and we are exactly where we need to be right now.  And to continue to slowly heal.

Recovering

It can certainly be a difficult journey recovering from miscarriage.  Things have gotten worse over the last 24 hours with severe stabbing abdominal pains, dizziness and nausea.  It has all calmed down today for the most part, but understandably, I am completely exhausted. 

I went to work yesterday, which I don’t regret doing, but it was a very difficult day to get through and may have made things a bit worse.  The doctor gave me a major serve this morning for going to work and has ordered me not to do anything for the next few days.  She said it was way too soon to have done so, both physically and emotionally.  So, I am home for the next few days (minus the two hours at work tomorrow which I will still do.  Just two hours and then no explanation is needed to be given to that school.)

D is worried about me and he ordered me not to go to work today before the doctor did.  So, I think I have been told!

I have another blood test tomorrow to make sure my hormone levels are coming down as they should.  If they haven’t, I will need to have another ultra sound.  But I suspect they will have.  And after looking at all my test results, the doctor doesn’t believe there will be any complications.  So, thats good.

She said that the physical discomfort and bleeding may last up to two weeks.  She didn’t come up with a specific explanation for the stabbing pains but it makes sense to me that they were caused by my cervix shrinking back to it’s pre-pregnancy state.  They were quite different to the miscarriage cramping.

She has told us to wait a cycle before starting to try again to allow my body to right itself.  I need that just as much because of the emotional healing as for the physical.  But I will get there – in time.  And she suggested we leave it for a few months before going back to the IVF program.  Besides we might just get pregnant on our own again!