Third blood test

We had our third blood test on Monday - at 5 weeks/Day 35 - and things are still looking good.  My HCG levels had risen to 1938 - up from 265 on Friday.   Working on the premise of them doubling every two days, I didn't expect them to be that high.  However, the nurse said that was where they would expect them to be and on looking up an on-line chart, it was confirmed.

HCG Levels in Single and Twin Pregnancy
Days from LMP*	HCG Range** for Singleton Pregnancy	HCG Range for Multiple Pregnancy
28	9.4-120	9.5-120
33	300-600	200-1,800
36	1,200-1,800	2,400-36,000
40	2,400-4,800	8,700-108,000
45	12,000-60,000	72,000-180,000
70	96,000-144,000	348,000-480,000

Going from this chart, it looks like we may only have one, not two bubbies growing.  But until confirmed, I am going to continue talking to two of them!

Our first scan has been cancelled now.  This clinic will just wait for the seven week scan (rather than doing a six week scan as well), which in my case, will be seven and a half weeks (fingers crossed!).  I am a little disappointed, but I understand.  They feel that there wouldn't be much to see any earlier than that and there certainly wouldn't be a heartbeat, so it wouldn't be to my advantage to scan earlier.

As long as I keep getting regularly checked with blood tests so I know things are going ok, then that will be alright.

It is up to me how often I get blood tested.  The OB says that at this stage, they will do whatever I need to feel comfortable and not stressed.  Isn't that amazing???  It's such a great clinic!  And our OB Louise is just awesome.  And while I am debating with myself about getting tested on Friday, I think Monday will be fine.  A week will give us a really good idea on what is happening and besides, it is stressful waiting for the results of tests as well!!

I am still nervous about it all.  I think it will be quite some time before that disappears.  Each test has helped me to feel better and I hope that each upcoming test will continue in the same way.

In the meantime, I keep remembering to TRUST.  It helps me so much to just let go and accept.  It brings a joy over the pregnancy and a feeling of letting go of all the worries that I have.  I just have to say it constantly, because I keep forgetting!

There are so many people out there, including us, praying for us and have their fingers crossed that our pregnacy continues to blossom.  It is wonderful to know how we are being supported by our friends and family and also by Spirit.

Follow up test

After a stressful couple of days, todays test results show that our pregnancy is progressing really well!!!  HCG levels have gone from 99 two days ago, to 265 today - they've nearly tripled!!

I am SO relieved!  We are still pregnant!

It's been a tough two days.  Once the initial excitement were off, I started worrying.  Please, please, please embies, keep growing, snuggle in, HCG levels keep rising.  I've been so scared.  I've been really trying not to but it's just been there.  Waiting for these results have been so much harder than waiting for the initial result saying we were pregnant.  It felt like there was so much more at stake.

And then I started spotting a little.  The leftover crinone began releasing with specks of colour in it.  Mostly the colour was brown, but sometimes it wasn't so brown.  And then today I started spotting more.  Once again though, mostly old blood.  The times when it wasn't quite brown absolutely terrified me.

And the results took so long to come in.  I was expecting them by 2 pm at the latest.  They didn't come in till 5 pm.  It's been a tough day.  But finally they arrived and I couldn't believe the number.  265!!!

The nurse said not to worry about the spotting.  The crinone release is normal and as long as the blood is old it is all good.  As for the couple of times I felt it wasn't quite old, she said is could be anything.  Implantation blood even.  Shes taken note of it and will follow up on Monday but she said not to worry.  That my levels were terrific.  And we are doing everything that needs to be done.  She said go away and have a relaxing Easter!  Things are progressing well.

I go in again on Monday for a final follow up blood test.  That one should be around 1000 in hcg levels.  So fingers crossed.

A friend said today that I just need to trust.  TRUST.  It is a good word.  A reassuring word.  A word of faith and belief.  A word of confidence.  A word of peacefulness, serenity, love.  I like it.

This afternoon I started wearing around my wrist, the pouch of buddhist prayers my dear friend brought back from Japan with me.  It is the one that I had with me on our wedding day, and I took with me to both the egg harvest and embryo transfer.  It really helped me to settle down a little this afternoon.  And I guess it brought with it Trust and Faith.

It is still on my wrist!

So now I go away with Trust in my heart and soul and know that once again we are progressing well through each step of the IVF process.

It worked!

I know its early days BUT......................

I'm pregnant!!!!!!!

It worked!

YEAAAAAAAAA!

Okay, now that the excitement is expressed....  the details!

I got tested a day early for two reasons - I had to call the clinic about another matter and earlier in the day I cheated and took a home pregnancy test which was positive!   The funny story is that the nurse guessed I had taken the test!  I asked her how long the pregnyl stays in your system because I wondered if maybe I was getting a false positive.  She answered my question and then said "You took a pregnancy test didn't you??!!"  LOL  :):)  When I told the nurse yes, she said, "Well, lets get you tested a day early!" 

My HCG levels were 99 - which is great.  My estrogen and progesterone levels are also good.  The nurse even started talking about my 6 week scan and my due date and, wow, I couldn't believe it!

The next step is another test in two days to see if the the pregnancy is developing as it should.  And then I will have another follow up next week.  The prayers will continue and the fingers will still be tightly crossed for the next week(s).

It worked! We made it to this the biggest step along the journey.  Yes, there are still more steps to go before we are safe.  None of my pregnancies have made it passed 6 weeks, but so far so fantastic!!

My other pregnancies were natural conceptions.  This one feels better because good embryos were selected, I'm being monitored and I'm on drugs to assist the pregnancy.

Part of me is scared to be excited.  Another part of is so relieved!  I'm pregnant.  All that I've gone through is, so far, paying fruition.  I think I will stick with the excited emotion for a while and run with it.  I'm going to talk to my baby/babies and keep encouraging them to grow.  I'm going to keep doing my golden white light meditations.

The journey isn't over but we've finally made it this far!

Thank you, thank you!

Two more days

Two more sleeps till our pregnancy blood test.  The wait is driving me mad.  We are now at the stage where I could do a home test, but with the chance of false readings from all the hormones, I am hesitant to do so.  Of course, being at this stage also means that every time I go to the toilet I have my fingers crossed that things are still staying positive.

I assume the clinic waits an extra couple of days past the two weeks just to see what happens, to make sure that there has been no period.  But it's torture for me!!!  :)

It's been a few days since I posted, so a quick update...

Friday saw me laying down in the car on the way to a funeral for Logans paternal grandmother with really sharp pains in my belly/uterus.  They were either from running around too much getting ready or possibly they were implantation cramps.  Hopefully they were implantation pains!  Either way they were most uncomfortable and prevented from being able to take care of Logan properly.  Mum stepped in as his other main babysitter and held him for me.

Dave didn't want me taking any risks in holding him and putting strain on my abdominal muscles and uterus.  I was okay for a little while, but it didn't take long to start to hurt. The pain lasted until I was able to get home and rest.

Over the weekend, I have developed pains similiar to menstrual pains.  It is frustrating that pregnancy pains and period pains can be the same!  However, these pains I usually only feel when I am acutally bleeding and as I'm not.....,  my fingers are still crossed.  I've also woken up throughout the night with nausea, not to a vomiting stage or anywhere near that, just an unpleasant nausea feeling.  Then it goes once I fully awaken in the morning.  It is too early to be feeling morning sickness, so I'm not sure what that means.

I had trouble on my walk yesterday.  I was huffing and puffing up a very slight incline that I wouldn't normally think about and I slowed down as the walk progressed.  I do feel quite lethargic.  But once again, that doesn't necessarily mean pregnancy.  Whatever is going on in my body, it is going through a lot and tiredness, I guess, is to be expected.

So, I live in a state of fear, hopefullness, unsure, positivity, back to fear.  It just goes on and on.  Other times, I place my hands on my belly and talk to my embies and try and get any sensations of them being there and growing.  Sometimes I think I am aware of something, an energy, an awareness.  But who knows.  I had the same feeling before and things didn't work out in the end.  I stay hopeful though.

Staying centered

6 more sleeps till testing day!  I could test on Monday but they have warned us that with all the hormones we, that is I!!!, am taking, it is possible to get a false positive with a home pregnancy test.  So its best to wait and do the blood test with them.

I fluctuate between fear and confidence. 

There is a part of me that knows this is the one and that is the part that I try and stay connected to.  There are no assurances and I know us succeeding will defy the odds (thus the fear), but this cycle has gone perfectly.  There have been no complications and there have been 10 signs of encouragement that I have written about over several posts this week!!

All of me knows how much I will thrive as a mother.  My whole world will change for the better.  My whole self will change for the better.  I look forward to rising to the challenges and to taking care of a little soul.  And yes, I even look forward to the tiredness because our little being(s) will bring so much joy and love and completeness. 

This is what gets me through the days, this knowing, this feeling of being centered and calm.  And when the fear comes up, I move inside myself and feel the joy of being pregnant whether I am or not.  I focus on our little embryos and I picture them burrowed into my uterine wall, peaceful and content and growing rapidly!

Today

One week left to go in the 2WW.  It seems like forever.

I'm healing well now and able to do most things but of course, I'm being careful.  J and Logan came to visit for a few hours today.  I loved having them here.  I was careful with how I picked him up but by the end, I was sore and tired and was ready to lay down.  I don't think I can do a full day babysitting on Monday.  But it is a few days away yet.  I will be healed even more by then.

I woke up this morning with nausea and my moods aren't the best.  Crinone and Pregnyl combined I guess.  The clinic rang today to follow up with how I was.  Really, I'm doing well.  It's just a tough process to go through.

I've been thinking today about all that my body and emotions have gone through in the last few months.  Two miscarriages and ICSI round.  Tough on both.  I'm tired.

I was hoping Dave would be home by the time I have to leave tonight.  But he has to work late.  So, I'm about to give myself the clexane injection.  It's harder to get into the skin than the IVF drugs and boy does it leave a mark!  If you looked at stomach now, you would think I was a junkie!

I really needed the support of Dave here tonight.  But of course, I will be fine.  I will get myself injected, fed and off to my meeting with no problems.  I just don't feel like I'm coping very well right now.  And I'm finding the 2WW really stressful as well.  I'm scared.  I really need it to work this time around.

Always seeking the Love and Light....

xx

A funny thing...

A funny thing happened today.

Yesterday, one of my students called me to say that she had a simulated baby for the next few days and she would have to bring it to the lesson.  She was worried about what would happen in the lesson if she had to take care of it.  I told her no worries, I could hold it, feed it etc, while she played.  All good!

Fortunately, the baby was awake but quiet the whole lesson, so no problems.

However, at lunchtime we had flute ensemble rehearsal.  My student had fed and changed the baby before the rehearsal, so I thought it might be all good.  5 minutes later baby is crying and wants to be fed again. 

So, I found myself standing in front of my ensemble, fake baby in my arms, feeding it with the fake bottle!  It was hilarious!  Once the girls got over laughing, we got on with the rehearsal, with me counting and singing their parts rather than conducting!

I have to admit.   When she brought the baby into the her lesson, all I wanted to do was hold it!  A fake baby!  Cluck, cluck, cluck!! 

I've occassionally had a simulated baby in lessons before, but do you think this counts as good sign Number Ten!

After rehearsal, one of the girls said "You look so natural holding the baby!"  Aww, shucks!!  :):)

A new symptom and some relief!

I had to call the clinic today because, just to add to the list of side effects and things I have to take, I have developed thrush!  I was worried about what that would do to the potential pregnancy and what I could take to treat it.  In the past, the only thing that has worked for me has been the one dose tablet, the creams have never been successful.  However I can't take the tablet, I have to do the cream, so fingers crossed it works.  That means in the morning I do the thrush cream and in the evening the crinone.  Ah, the things we do!!  I was warned it might all be a little messy.  Ooooooo!!

I am just completely relieved that the thrush infection will not harm the embryos.  The nurse said that some women do get thrush as a result of all the hormones we are taking.  I haven't experienced it before so something different yet again for this cycle!  I found it amazing how every cycle has been so different.  Our bodies are just incredible works of art!

It was really good to talk to the nurses today after having the weekend with no contact.  I guess I built up a few questions without realising it because I asked a lot and learnt a lot!

I was relieved to know that the only thing that will affect the embryos is overheating.  Not any activity I do such as housework etc.  I must make sure my core temperature does not get too high.  All the other pains I have been having are the ovaries still healing from theatre and the multitude of hormones - nothing to do with the embryos.  Phewww!  I did suspect that, going on the position of the pain, but it was a relief to hear it from the professionals.

Jane (my fav nurse!) said that I can do all my activities as normal, but as soon as I feel any pain to stop and either not do it, or pass it on to Dave. 

I have been feeling a lot better today and managed a medium paced 30 minute walk this morning.  I stayed close to home, walking back and forth along the streets, in case I needed to come back and I was definitely ready to return after 25 minutes.  I've also done a little bit of housework but found that it stirred up some ovary pain and discomfort and I stopped.

So, its still been resting today and light activities.  I've sorted out my school bag (small suitcase on wheels) so I'm not carrying so many teaching materials and that has left me enough space to put my computer in the suitcase.  One less thing over my shoulder.  I will get Dave to weigh it tonight and make sure it is not over 10 kilos - the limit the OB said I should lift.  I only have a short day tomorrow, so that will be good.

I feel a large sense of relief at what I have learnt today.  My babies are secure and safe and hopefully continuing to grow and flourish.

Love and Light
xx

Treatment sessions and the 2WW

The Two Week Wait.
It is most definitely here.  And once again, things are different this time around.

I've never had a problem with the TWW before.  We've waited the two weeks every cycle for 4 years.  It's always just been part of the course.  Whether through stimulated cylce or natural.  But this time, with the hopes and dreams I have for this cycle, and the way things have been going so well for the first time in one of my rounds, I started feeling the tension yesterday.

I also started feeling fears that embryos weren't growing or that something was going wrong.  And I realised what a roller coaster ride I am in for the next two weeks.

I've been in a lot of pain and discomfort and I feet the need for the next few days to really relax and take it easy and lay down a lot.  In fact, it has also been forced on me as well.  Even doing the dishes yesterday brought about abdominal pains.  But the moment I felt them, I stopped the dishes and lay down.

I understand where the fears are coming from, but I refuse to let them take hold.  Instead I've been focusing on Love and Light.  I've been meditating on them and feeling both of these flowing through me, through my chakras and into my womb.  Feeling the breath of God.

My kinesiology session yesterday was amazing and has really helped me to be able to feel these things.
The first thing she was led to were my ovaries which she said were dehydrated.  Makes sense.  They've gone through a lot.  She worked on them and also on stimulating the energy in my uterus, getting the blood flowing and getting it all ready to receive the embryos.

For my part, I have continued to drink 2.5 litres of water a day, and constantly go to the toilet!!  Yet despite all the water I am drinking, my lips are really dry and sore and need constant lip balm - a sign of dehydration.  But I can't drink anymore than I am.  I would have to just stay on the toilet all day if I did!!!  :)  So, I'm also concentrating on eating foods that are hydrating as well as full of nutrients.

The kinesiologist also worked on aligning the energy throughout my body, allowing the channels to flow and making it easy for new little energies to find their way!  The words I left with are:

• Joy, acceptance and unconditional love
• Self worth, self love
• Trust and higher self alignment
• Hydration and Nutrition

The third one is perhaps the biggest for me - to trust and to stay aligned.  The Love and Light focus is helping with that.

And finally, my naturopath/masseur.  The fact that that appointment occurred the day before transfer is really significant.  The massages that I usually need, I won't be able to have when pregnant because she works on areas that can also encourage contrations.  So, it was wonderful to be able to have, what will hopefully be my last full massage for the next 9 months!  And once again, some of the points that she found were all about good blood flow to my uterus amongst other things.

A perfect pre-transfer day!

The day of and the day before embryo transfer

Embryo Transfer this morning!  Everything is still going SO well.  We had our best result yet with two embryos that have continued to grow as expected.  The other three seemed to have stopped growing.  They will give them another 24 hours but they are not hopeful about being able to freeze them.

But it doesn't matter.  We got TWO EMBRYOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And we still have little Nemo on ice.  (Thats what Dave named our frozen embryo from round 2 which we weren't able to transfer because of my polyp)

I was so excited I couldn't stop smiling, including most of the way through the procedure and aftewards saying goodbye!!  :):)  The transfer itself was a breeze.  It was over before I knew it.  Last time, the OB had a little trouble with it, it took a little longer, and was a little more uncomfortable.  But not this time.  Done and dusted and our two embryos are inside me, hopefully happily finding a home and continuing to grow.

Our OB was away today so we had a different person (first time ever for us!).  He was the OB who was on call the night we had the ovarian bleed on my first cycle.  He was wonderful that night, so helpful, proficient and caring.  And today was no different.  I immediately liked him.  He was wonderful.  A strong, gentle, caring man who obviously loves his job and is brilliant at it.  No wonder his name is at the top of the list.  Right above our usual OB!  We have been so lucky with OB's now we are at this different clinic.

Here is a photo of what our embryos looked like.  PS. It isn't ours!  Although if we are successful, I may ask if we can get one!

-------------------------------------

The Day before Transfer

Yesterday was a day of amazing syncronicity.  My chance, or design, who knows which, it doesn't matter which, it was an amazing day full of events that helped prepare me for the transfer!  I am still amazed by it.

I have already done a list of signs etc that have happened over the last couple of weeks that have been encouraging me to believe that this round could be the one.   The posts are here and here.  Now the list continues!

Six
 I had both a kiniesology treatment and a full massage and they both were an amazing preparation for the embryo transfer today.  I didn't plan to have them booked on the same day and I certainly did not plan to have them booked the day before the transfer.  I booked them weeks ago before we even started this IVF round. [More about them in my next post.] But the timing of them was incredible!

I also had a counselling session scheduled but this was cancelled. And I think it was meant to be that I didn't see the shrink.   I think that not talking about what happened with the kiniesologist was the way it was meant to be - that I was simply allowed to let the treatment work within me and not analyse it or disrupt the energy shifts with the mental and emotional analysis that comes with the shrink.  Things continued to be set up for me.

Seven
Although this is under really sad circumstances, I ended up having Logan for most of the day.  His grandmother has been terminally ill and the family were called in at 5am in the morning to spend her last day with her.  Logan went for a while but it's not good for him to be at the hospital for hours, so I was called early in the morning to pick him up.

The fact that I spent a good portion of my day before transfer with this wonderful baby who has brought forth such strong maternal instincts in me did not go unnoticed.

Eight
I know this is a little trivial but it's never happened in all the other times we have been to the hospital, so why today?  When we checked out after the transfer, the lady on the desk cut off my hospital ID and said "Do you want to keep it?"  Today, of all days, I get asked to keep a momento of my admission!!!  I said YES!

Nine
Now this last one just freaks me out and requires a bit of a backstory.

Dave and I spent last Christmas with his family in Sydney.  They are a Catholic family and so I went with his Mum and him to mass in the morning.  I don't what happened within me because this doesn't usually bother me - but there were so many kids running around the church, and by about 20 minutes into the mass, I was in tears.  I just couldn't cope with all the children - there were just too many and I felt my lack of a child so keenly.

I had to leave.  Dave followed me out and we sat outside for a while talking and then I told him to go back in with his Mum.  I would just walk back home and get his Auntie V (who lives next door) to let me in.  I knocked on the door, she let me in with a "has mass finished already?!" and before I knew it, I was crying on her shoulder, telling her about everything.

V is a devout catholic and I am glad she had already been to a Christmas mass.  She listened to me and supported me and talked about her own experiences and was fantastic.  She then offered to give me some information about a Saint of Motherhood I could pray to if I wanted to.  There was no pressure, she just wanted to give me some information and let me do what I wanted with it.  And she was there to support me and pray with me if I chose.  It never went any further during that visit because things were so busy and then we were gone.

Guess when she sent me the information?  9.30 last night.  All this time later!  She apologised for taking so long to get it to me.  Are you serious??  I get the information the day of transfer! (because I checked the emails this morning).  Am I really being told that this is going to work this time?  Is it time I finally trusted in all these little things that have been happening and believe.  If I wasn't already at that point after yesterdays sessions then this tipped me right over the edge.  Yes, I do believe this is the one.  In a really peaceful, calm and positive way, I do believe that this is the one.  I now have my bubbies inside of me.

Needless to say, I printed out the prayer and put it with the pouch symbolising the months worth of prayers from a Japanese monastery that my dear friend organised for me.  And I took them both into the transfer with me, hanging from a chord on my wrist.

----------------------

I am feeling so good about this.  I know that if it doesn't work, I am in for a BIG let down.  But I will deal with that if it happens.  Dave is still feeling cautious and I understand that.  But he is also supportive in me not being cautious anymore and simply running with these wonderful and positive feelings I am having about it all!

My fingers are still crossed!

Post Theatre

Theatre went well yesterday.

Aside from the anaesthetist who, upon having trouble getting the needle into my hand, tried to put it into my wrist instead.  The pain was excriating.  He then gave me gas to relax me so he could try to get it into my other hand.  Of course I was even more tense after what he had just done to my hand and wrist!  And I hated the gas as well.  It was awful.  But finally the needle went in the other hand.  Why he didn't try my other hand first before trying my wrist is beyond me.
 
When I woke from theatre the only pain I had was the excriating pain in my wrist.  My abdomen was fine!  I couldn't move my arm at all without agony.  My wrist was iced by the nurses and a cream put on it to try to bring out the bruising and encourage faster healing.  Today it is better, but I still need to be careful.  I can type in short bursts (this post is taking a long time to put together!), but I can't undo bottles/jars or do up my bra!  I made sure to get dressed before Dave left for work so he could help me  :)  So, no permanent damage to my wrist thank goodness.  Just a really nasty bruise covering my inner wrist and a dark red blotch where the needle went in.

We got 7 eggs which the OB was happy with.  I was hoping for 8-10, but 7 is still good.  After all, we only need one good one!  Of those 7, one was immature and one didn't fertilise.  So we have 5 embryos starting to grow!  Fingers crossed they continue to grow!

Wednesday I start the Crinone (progesterone cream).

Thursday I start aspirin 100 mg and Clexane 40 mg.
One of the results of my multiple blood screenings was that I have a problem with blood clotting.  I don't know what that means in regards to my overall health, I will investigate that further later on.  But in regards to pregnancy, it means that it can be more difficult for implantation to fully take hold.  So, I will be on these two drugs until further notice.  The clexane is another daily injection - just great!  Not!

Friday we go in for the transfer - fingers crossed of course that we get at least one good embryo.

Monday I go into the clinic for a pregnyl 500iu injection.  I haven't had this one before either.  This one helps keep the lining of the womb all nice and juicy for implantation.

And then on Wednesday the 27th, if I haven't started my period, I go in for a pregnancy test.

My OB is pulling out all the stops for this one.  Giving it everything she can.  I'm glad.  Because I really don't think I can go through it again.  Especially theatre.  The anxiety I feel going in there is so high and I so wanted to jump off that bed and say "I'm calling it off, I'm calling it off".  But of course I didn't.

And theatre is still not the end of it as you can see from the list above.  I'm tired of being poked and prodded.  I'm tired of feeling so many array of emotions and physical symptoms.  I'm really tired of injections.  My coping skills are really struggling with that one.

Please, please, please let this one work.

The days before egg harvest

The days continue to chop and change with side effects.  I had a great day on Friday but totally collapsed in exhaustion late afternoon and that continued throughout Saturday.  Then I picked up Saturday night and wasn't able to sleep till midnight!  Go figure!  Today I am once again feeling quite weary.

Wednesday I had my last scan before harvest on Monday.  My follicles have continued to develop and there were around 10 measuring 13-14mm.  So, I would imagine they have reached the goal size of 17mm by now.  I'm feeling sore and heavy in the ovaries and I find that if I have a full bladder it is more uncomfortable!

We did the last puregon and orgalutron injections on Friday night and did the trigger injection (ovidrel) last night (Saturday).  So today is a day off for injections before theatre tomorrow.

I must admit to not coping all that well in the last few days.  I think doing this round on the back end of two miscarriages is taking its toll on my emotions and body.  At this point, I don't know that I could go through another round.  Fingers crossed we won't have to! 

I also have a lot of anxiety over going under for the egg harvest.  I have so many fears of it, all related to my physical well being.  I always fear the worst.  I just need to remember that I get knocked out and then in the next blink of an eye it is all over.  And that during the procedure I am under good care.  If anything goes wrong, I have an absolutely awesome doctor, in fact I will have two doctors for this procedure, so I am being well looked after.  It doesn't take away my fear but I am focusing in on those thoughts to help me.

Today we are hanging out with some friends.  They are moving house in a couple of weeks and I offered to help them pack.  It will be a good distraction as well as great company for the day.  I'll do what I can energy wise and I know Dave will keep an eye out for me and not let me do too much.

I'm looking forward to the next week moving along quickly.  The 5 day wait after the harvest to find out if we have any good embryos and then the transfer procedure.  All things I will be glad to have completed.

Wish me luck for Monday's harvest!

Next update!

The last two mornings have been a bit of a challenge with tiredness and nausea plaguing me.  Particularly this morning when I had to drag myself out of bed and head off to work!  However, at this point, I am finding that it is only lasting for a few hours and then I'm feeling okay again.

There is definitely some bloating as well and occasional cramps or a feeling of heaviness.  Still nothing to write home about - so to speak!

My first scan was yesterday and everything is growing nicely.  I have another one tomorrow and that may decide when I go into theatre.

Dave comes home tomorrow (fingers crossed) - Yippeeee!

A few other things have been happening that feel like things are falling into place.

Four - My home has gradually been getting additions of a change of baby clothes, bottles, and food.   With the extra last minute babysitting, J hasn't had time to properly pack for him.  It's just been a quick drop off between rushed hospital visits.  So, I went shopping and bought a couple of things to keep here.

It's been so lovely seeing baby clothes hanging on the line and I have a drawer in the spare room that I am keeping everything in.  Unfortunately, due to past experiences, I have stopped really believing in signs, but this feels like just one more thing that is keeping me positive about us succeeding this time around.  It's a new thing for me to have these things in the house and I like it.

Five - I'm also so ready to have a "mummy" car.  I keep looking at cars on the road for the one that I would like.  Thats also new.

So lots of things are feeling good.  It just all remains to be seen doesn't it??!!

Strange to be feeling normal!

I'm finding it strange that, aside from a couple of days ago when I had some minor symptoms, I'm not experiencing any issues with this round at all. I'm not tired, or nausea, and the abdominal pains have gone, or at the most, hardly noticeable.  It doesn't feel like I'm doing an IVF round at all.  In fact, I feel really good!

I'm tired today but thats because I've had two late nights out with friends and have still woken up bright and early!  Just normal tiredness.  My body is a bit sore but thats because I did an intense pilates session the other day that left me really sore and yesterday did a two hour walk in the heat pushing Logan in the pram and have had him for the last two afternoons mostly holding him because he doesn't want to be put down much at the moment.  So that is all pretty normal!

I wonder how things will change with the introduction of the orgalutron injection tomorrow.  The strange thing is, I keep having these thoughts that the drugs can't be working properly if I'm not having any symptoms.  But I'm having an early scan tomorrow so I will find out for sure!

Things have been tough for my niece and her family and I'm grateful that I've been available to help with Logan when they have needed it.  From my side, he is an absolute delight and I love taking care of him.  I think the emotions of all those around him the last few days and the amount of time he has spent in the hospital is affecting him though.  Thus, not wanting to be put down very much and being restless and fidgety.  He was certainly a handful yesterday.  But still a delightful handful!

The first day I had him, the sadness I felt at having to give him back to his Mum was intense.  My whole soul lifted while in the maternal role of taking care of him.  And it was hard to lose that.  But yesterday was fine and it was nice to have J stay for a while and unburden and chat.  I miss them both today!

Side Effects

I woke up this morning still feeling terrific!  And I still feel great - emotionally!  The physical reactions of the puregon has started to kick in now though.  I'm feeling a little nauseous and the abdominal twinges have begun.

I never tracked my other IVF rounds.  I wasn't actively blogging at the time or even writing in my journal.  It was enough just getting through everything.  But with more time on my hands now, I am grateful to have the headspace to be able to keep a record.  And it is a good excuse to take a break from the bookwork!

I'm off to a friends tonight.  It is our usual first Friday of the month get together, but I'm going solo tonight.  I will have to take the puregon with me and find a private spot to inject.  Fortunately it will be the end of this vial so I don't have to worry about keeping everything refridgerated.  A cold pack will suffice until injection time at 7 pm.

I'm still getting a little dizzy after injection.  It happened the last rounds as well.  But only for the first few days and it doesn't last for too long.

My babysitting has been put on hold today which is sad, but his grandmother on the other side of the family is terminally ill and collapsed this morning.  The family have gone to the hospital today to be with her.  I'm on standby to go and pick him up from hospital should it be needed.  I wish I could say fingers crossed and everything will be alright, but I don't think it will be.  It's going to be a difficult time for them and all I can do is be here ready and waiting to help if needed.

In the meantime there is bookwork to be done.  And a quick break walking down the dog is needed too!

Feeling Good!

My blood tests results came back very positively yesterday.  My FSH levels are exactly where they need to be in order for the IVF drugs to work their best wonders.

I gave myself my first injection last night with no problems.  I was so worried about going through these next two weeks without Dave.  In fact 24 hours ago, I would have said I wasn't coping.  But something shifted during the day yesterday and I feel great!  Don't ask me what it was.  I wouldn't have a clue!!!

I'm feeling really, really positive about this round.  I know that can be a dangerous place to go when the let down can then be even bigger, but I don't care!  I'm feeling really good about the possiblity of being successful this time around and I intend to go with this feeling!

So many things seem to be falling into place at the moment. 

One - The freakiest one of all is the level of syncronicity between my kinesiologist and my therapist.  Everytime a new things come up with one person, it is also comes up with the other.  It's crazy!  And I love it!  I feel like they are working together.  And I really believe that I have been led to both of them at this time in my life.

I feel like there are some really significant breakthroughs going on in my pysche and that I am finally beginning to take some small steps toward releasing some long held patterns and issues in my life.  And to be doing that just before a baby comes along, is simply wondrous.  I have always wanted to be in a place where I am not passing on to much "garbage" to my child.  So that they don't inherit and have to deal with all the difficult things that I have had to.  We bring so much into our lives that need healing as it is, it would be nice not to give my child all my "garbage" on top of that as well.

Anyway, it is just baby steps, but I'm feeling so good about it all at the moment.  It is giving me the feeling of the timing being just right.  And that, as I let go and heal from my own issues, I will be a much better mother.

Two - And then there is starting to babysit my great nephew every week.  My maternal instincts have been switched on with him and I am loving the role of being his caretaker once a week.  I love it more than I thought I would and it just fits me to a tee!  It's made me more excited about being a mum.

Three - Without my intending it to be, my work hours have dropped quite a lot this year.  I have more time, less stress and I am beginning to love my life once more.  I am certainly enjoying work more which is just wonderful.  In fact, I could even begin to say, I'm starting to love it again.  I haven't been able to say that for years!

As a result, I am beginning to enjoy my home life more.  I'm getting out into the garden, I'm keeping up with the bookwork.  I'm back to regular exercise.  I'm not feeling this constant pressure to have to keep up with everything because I have more time to achieve what needs to be done.

I am grateful to be in this place now, after two months of really struggling.  Thank you!!!

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A truly happy one for today! One of my favs of Dave!

Here we go!

Day 1 today.  Here we go on Round 4!

I must admit to being extremely nervous this time around.  Mostly because Dave is not here.  He is away until the end of next week, so I am doing the first two weeks all by myself this time.  Injections, emotions, tiredness etc etc without his support.  I know he would rather be here with me, but he can't.  And I am scared.

I've gone through so much all ready this year.  It was good for a while to be able to grieve in my own space without him here, but after a while it became difficult to go through it all alone.  My friends have started calling me a "wine vintage widow".  It's been full on for him this season.  I've never seen it like this.  But hopefully all the hard work, the stress and hours on the road will pay off. 

I start this round with Day 2 blood tests tomorrow.  We are testing for the usual FSH, Prog, E2 to see how effective this round might be, but also for HCG just to make sure I'm not pregnant.  Not that is really any chance of that and the start of this period feels normal, not the like the last time when it turned out I was pregnant.

I go to the clinic tomorrow to pick up the drugs and we will sort out the rest of the dates.  I begin taking the puregon tomorrow.  This time, the OB has increased the dosage to 300 in the hope of getting a few more eggs, but not enough that I will get ovarian hyper stimulation - it's all such a fine balance!

Wish me luck!

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Today's photo - one of the fun ones!

The next step toward parenthood

Friday saw us back to the fertility clinic for our OB appointment.  It was the first time we have ever seen a real hopefulness from her!  She has always been very supportive and encouraging and has always maintained our own sense of hope, but she was always conservative in her own beliefs for our success.  My age, history and her own experience of woman in their 40's was the reason for her conservativeness.

Now however, things have changed - both for her and us.  In the last two weeks, she has had success with another woman in my age bracket and she is so excited about it!  That, along with my last two natural pregnancies has given her much cause for hope and she is doing everything she can to try to reach another good outcome!  She is just as eager as we are to find that one, or two!, good embryos.

That gives us even more hope!

While my insulin tests are still in the normal range, they are on the high end.  Always on the cutting edge, our OB has been involved in new research that has shown that high insulin can be a factor in miscarriages.  So, I have been put on a low dosage medication to bring my insulin levels down.  The only problem is that I think I may be suspectible to the one side effect she mentioned - gastro.  Yesterday was my first day on the meds and last night showed an inkling of that side effect.  We will see how things go!!

Everything is in place now for our next ICSI round to begin when I start my next cycle.  Dave hit the road this morning for a two week work trip, so I will have to inject myself for a little while.  If I don't start for another week (which I am guessing will probably be the case), he will be back in plenty of time for his part in the process.  Otherwise he will cut his work trip short, which would be a real pain in the neck for him.  Fingers crossed the timing all works out for the best.

I am looking forward to starting again.  I really am hopeful and, no matter what happens during the round, I love being pro-active in our journey toward parenthood.  I love knowing that we are being treated and monitored toward pregnancy, taking out the random chance that we have lived with for so long.  Bring it on!!

Life has continued to be better for me.  I am still feeling much more energized and my enthusiasm for life is still growing back to its normal state!  I am grateful to be on the healing side of the last two miscarriages.

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So, now for the wedding picture!  I loved this spot and found it through another bride who got married at our venue a few weeks before hand.  The wedding co-ordinator said it was roughly "over there somewhere!!", so a week before our wedding, I went to the national park next to the venue and hunted through until I found this location just a short 5 minute walk away from the gate.

IVF round two

Round Two was a long time ago now.  Back in August I think.  Once again there were complications.

After my first scan to check the progress of the follicular growth, it was discovered that I had a polyp on my uterine wall.  The clinic sent me off for a 3D scan to get a good look at it.

The waiting room for the 3D scan was filled with pregnant women with their young children running around their feet.  They were there to get a look at their new growing child.  I was there from complications with just trying to get one.  But the scan staff were fantastic, kind and caring and the experience went off without a hitch.

The polyp was confirmed and that meant that during my harvest surgery, they would remove it.  It also meant that any embryos would need to be frozen because they wouldn't be able to be put transfer them after the surgery to remove the polyp. 

The surgery turned out to be a little more complicated, because the polyp was embedded in the uterine wall.  Rather than tying it off and removing it, they had to cut into the wall and dig it out.  Yuck!!! 
And also my ovaries had decided to hide away and they had to push and prod them into place to get out the follicles.  Unfortunately, they weren't able to get them all.

We only got 6 eggs that round.  I think five of them fertilised, but only one grew to a size that was valid.  However, that one was a much better quality than the one we got last time.  So, it was frozen and is waiting for us to implant.

Our Round Three was going to just be a harvest.  We were going to freeze any embryos we got rather than implanting straight away.  The reasons were multiple. 
One, there is quite an argument now about whether it is better to freeze and implant into a natural cycle or put the fresh embryos into a stimulated cycle.  Many clinics are now exclusively doing the freeze and implant later. 
Second, I was really keen to do a harvest and freeze before we left for our honeymoon.  Every month that passes, is a month more aging of my eggs.  I so wanted to get some more and not let two more months pass.  So, that is another thing so dissappointing about our round three.  We weren't able to get any embryos.

My OB is on the fence with regards to natural versus frozen transfer.  However, with the other circumstances going on for us right now that would cause emotional stress which is not good for the success of a round, she agreed that it was best to freeze and implant in January.  With that not happening due to the complications of round three, we will probably do a full round including fresh transfer in January, rather than freeze.

Now, I am concerned about the timing of round 4.  It all depends on when my next period occurs.  They have predicted 10 - 14 days after the trigger injection.  Which means I could start my period after that during the Christmas/New Year week when they are closed.  That would just suck.  So when I go for my blood tests on Friday, I will talk them about all of that.  We still have the drugs, so it is possible we will be able to start ourselves for the first few days and see them straight away in the the New Year.  Or maybe we will just conceive naturally on our honeymoon cruise to New Zealand!!!  Now that would be awesome!!  And the timing could be right!

January will be a great month for me to do a round.  It will be the summer holidays, I will be totally relaxed and refreshed from our cruise and I will be stress free with no work until February.  Keep your fingers crossed that it all works out.