Friday, August 28, 2015

The Donor Journey begins

I just looked at my last post on this blog.  It was on August 29th, 2013.  Now on August 28th, 2015, I am posting again.  Exactly two years since our fertility journey ended.  I thought it was longer than that.

I just looked it up.  Tuesday, May 21st, 2013, was when we lost the baby.  I had thought that was the end of the journey.  That's why I thought it was longer.  But I had forgotten that we tried one more time with Nemo, our frozen embryo.  I had forgotten about Nemo.  How could I forget that?

Now, we are back into the land of hope and possibility.  Which of course comes with its share of fear and doubt.

We have a donor.  A beautiful, amazing, kind, selfless woman who is not just willing, but so eager, excited and happy to give us a chance at having a child.

There is a lot of story to tell in the journey that has led to this point.  There is a lot to tell about our wonderful donor.  It's all slowly unfolded over the last few months.

This blog has always been one of recording my journey towards being a mother.  Understandably, it was retired when we lost Sophie and Nemo didn't take.  Now that there is a new phase, I wanted to document that journey once more.  Just in case the journey does lead to motherhood.

One day, if there is a child, they might want to read all about it.  One day, I might want to be able to tell our potential child the story of how much we wanted him/her and how we strove to bring him/her into our lives.

So, I will slowly recall the last few months.  Try to remember and put into words how we ended up here in this new journey of trying to become pregnant again with the help of a donor egg.

How do we feel right now?

We are unsure, we are doubtful, we are hopeful, we are going with the flow and just taking each next step as it comes.  We are also scared.  Firstly, I am scared of becoming a mother at 47 years of age.  We started this journey when I was 40.  Now, at 46, I wonder if we are making the right decision.

But, in reality, there is no decision to make.  If we don't try this one last option that we have to become parents, we will wonder for the rest of our lives about whether we made the right decision.  We will always regret not trying.  And I can't live with that regret.

If this doesn't work though, then we will both be able to put it all to rest and move on, knowing that we did everything that we could.

As for being older parents, I am sure that will be difficult.  But life is difficult anyway.  We have to deal with its challenges all the time.  Parenthood at any age is a challenge.  This challenge though, will come with unconditional love and joy and wonder and hope.  There is a sense of anticipation in the possibility of embracing a new phase in our lives of life with a child.

So, we are back at the fertility clinic.  Back amongst the wonderful staff that are filled with so much hope for us.  Back on the journey towards motherhood.