Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Flying again already.

Well, I can’t believe it is happening again so quickly, but I am flying again tonight.  This was an unexpected trip due to a tragedy in D’s immediate family.  We are flying to Sydney to be with them and to attend the funeral.

I am feeling a lot calmer right now than I did at this point last time, which is good.  I am still getting some feelings of panic but am able to think rationally about it and to breathe deeply.

This is my fertile week now, so there is the possibility that I could conceive between now and when we return on Sunday, if not already.  So, it is going to be especially important that I try to stay calm on the flights.  I never wanted to fly when I was pregnant.  But I am hoping I have made enough progress on my fears that it won’t be an issue.  And maybe it won’t be an issue at such an early stage anyway.

Wish me luck and inner calm.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Back on land

The flights are done and a good weekend was had!

How did I go?
Well, I got lucky.  I had two relatively smooth flights, which made it much easier to manage.

Did the course help?
Yes, it did.  There was no instant cure.  I still had to manage my fear, but by the second flight, I was surprising myself with how well I did manage the small turbulence that we had and the feelings of take off and landing.  It was starting to feel like any other travel trips on car or boat with all the bumping and rocking along the way.  And I found myself smiling 30,000 feet in the air!

As I took off the second time, my little ditty popped in my head.  “He flys through the air with the greatest of ease..”  It helped SO SO SO much!!  I then kept telling myself “it’s just like being in the car, the bumps are normal”. 

On each flight, I also told the flight attendants on boarding that I had this fear and that I had just done a course trying to conquer it.  They were all really nice and helpful and it made it better knowing that they knew.  I wasn’t alone up there.

How were my stress levels?
Terrible!  And still are.  The lead up to this trip was so stressful for me.  I was often led to tears, my nerves were a mess, and I really wasn’t coping too well with anything.  Now I am successfully back and feeling so much more confident about the next time I may have to fly.  However, my anxiety levels are still high.  I just can’t wind down. 

D is still away and I am not coping with that either.  Which is unusual.  Normally I am fine with being on my own, having done it my most of my life.  Perhaps if he was here, I would be winding down better.  Who knows.

How was Melbourne?
Melbourne was fabulous and the hotel was superb!!!  I don’t have the photos because D still has the camera!  But I took some great ones and can’t wait to show you.  It was a real Grand Hotel.  The staff were old school in their manner and actions and voice.  The decor was like being in a 19th century mansion.  Unfortunately the prices matched that!  So, we ate out and bought a box of cornflakes for breakfast.  The hotel charged $10 for a bowl!!! 

We did have one night where we ate in the hotel bar.  Much more reasonably priced.  But still cooked by the hotel chef.  OH MY GOD!!!  I have never tasted a steak like it.  Absolutely luscious!! MMMMmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!

Overall, I am really happy with myself.  I didn’t allow my fear of flying to stop me having a weekend away.  I did all that I could, not to just deal with the flight, but to conquer the fear.  D is really proud of me! 

While I am glad to be grounded for a while to try and get my anxiety levels back to normal, I am actually keen to try again and remove my fear altogether!  A relatively smooth flight was a lucky break for me to start the process.  The next test will be to get onto a plane without the anxiety in the first place and then to stay relatively calm during rougher turbulence.  There is absolutely nothing to worry about.  And I am amazed to feel quite calm and believing as I write those words!

D wants to fly to Queensland a couple of times this year as the company that he his a partner in, is opening a new branch over there.  If I’m pregnant, I don’t want to take the chance.  But if I’m not, I look forward to another holiday together in another city!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Continuing the Fear of Flying course

Today I have been doing the virtual flight videos and applying my relaxation techniques to the experience.  It’s amazing how even just looking at the videos can bring on the fear. 

The main relaxation technique I have been using is tapping on the pressure points that King Acupunc showed yesterday at my needle session.  He gave me some good needling to help me be calmer and more grounded in my chi.  And two of the points he jabbed are points that I need to tap repeatedly whilst chanting a mantra. 

Today, I have been using this one “this plane is taking me to see D, this plane is taking me to see D” – that has definitely put a smile on my face.  

And this one “I am choosing to fly to see D, I am choosing to fly to see D”. 

And then this little song emerged into my head “he flies through the air with the greatest of ease”.  It’s from a song about flying trapeze artists but it works for me!!  It reminds me that planes are happiest in the air.  That is where they glide as they were built to do.  The course had this cute little picture of a smiling plane with this sentence “The plane is happiest in the air, that's where it's meant to be!



I have printed out my notes form the course, downloaded the audio file and put it on my mp3 player and printed out the book to read as well.  I have my sudoku books and will get some magazines before I board.  I’ve been listening to the audio file any chance I have had today and hope I am starting to get desensitized to the whole experience. 

There is nothing to worry about, nothing to worry about, nothing to worry about.

The air is thick like liquid and the plane swims through it.
Even without engines, the plane will continue to glide through the thick air.
The plane automatically keeps level.  Pilots have to hold them in a turn or for a descent/ascent.
Bumps in the air are just like bumps in the road.   They are caused by changes in the texture of the air, but just as the car keeps going along the road, the plane will keep swimming through the thick air surrounding it.

I put my hand out of the car window as I was driving down the freeway and felt the thickness of the air at the faster speeds.  I felt the buoyancy of my hand in it.  I felt the bumps along the way as the air changed.  But it didn’t affect the buoyancy of my hand.

I imagined being in the plane as the car was bumping along the road.

I watched birds flying through the air, using flapping wings to propel them forward (engines) and then gliding along with the momentum.

Part of me is still feeling all the signs of anxiety and borderline panic, the chest pains are still there.  But another part of me is feeling much more relaxed and aware and excited to see if this course has helped me.

But the best focus is the excitement of the adventure.  The weekend in Melbourne, seeing D, staying at a grand hotel!!  Woohoo!!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Feeling better

I’m feeling better today and finding myself enjoying the unstructured time of being on my own and doing things at my own pace. 

I’ve been doing an on-line course to try and overcome my fear of flying.  It is written by a captain pilot and is very informative.  I am hoping that knowing what is going on both in the air and on the ground and how it all works will take away a lot of my irrational fears of the plane falling to the ground and crashing!

My aim is to be relaxed up the air, knowing that the plane is built to glide through the air and that turbulence is no different than going over bumps on the road in your car.  Did you know that a plane can continue gliding through the air even if all the engines fail? 

We are staying at a gorgeous old grand hotel in Melbourne.  Built in the 1800’s it is one of the only independent grand hotels in the world.  I can’t believe we are staying there.  We got a good deal on it through one of the accommodation deals websites.  I’m really excited.  That will help me get through the flight, knowing where I get to go at the end of it!  As well as seeing D of course!

This is so what we need together.  A weekend away.  If it wasn’t for the ordeal that flying has become for me with the anxiety already building, it would all be just so exciting.  I used to love flying.  I hope this trip will help me to find that again.

The Hotel Windsor – some sneak pictures to tempt my senses!  I will post some of our own photos from the weekend when we get back. 






Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Flying and pointlessness

I’m flying to Melbourne on Friday to meet D for the weekend.  Have I ever told you about my terrible fear of flying.  Fear of turbulence and the plane crashing, fear of having a panic attack as well as the claustrophobia which I only have only a plane?? 

You get the idea.  Terror!

But I have been researching it all today, what is turbulence, how planes fly, giving myself loads of information so that I understand it all much better.  And then I discovered a free on-line course written by a captain pilot to help recover from this condition.  So, I am doing that now.

I have also gotten the necessary natural therapies to assist – nerve tissue salts, and a bach flower remedy.  And on the day, I will also have a rescue remedy spray.

I like that I am discovering more about it all.  I think it will help.

I really wanted to take this opportunity.  Once I am pregnant, I won’t want to fly because of the stress it creates in me.  I don’t want to pass that on to bubby.  So, now that I know I am not pregnant for at least another two weeks, and this opportunity is here, we are taking it and going to have a weekend rendezvous in another city!

I’m feeling a real sense of pointlessness in my life right now.  I am so ready to be a Mum.  It’s been nearly a year now and still no bubby.  And I just don’t know what I am doing in my life.  Nothing seems to have any meaning at all.  Not my work, not my activities, not my family.  It all seems really pointless.

I know this will pass.  I will find again a sense of serenity and peacefulness in the moment.  In just being.  But it’s not here right now.  I miss D.  I haven’t been able to have my “it’s okay, honey, we’ll try again this month” hug.  I had to tell him over the phone that I got my period.  But, as a result, I am having a weekend in Melbourne and that will be good!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Cycle 11

Day 1

A new cycle has begun.

The positive 
– I am glad my cycle went back to a 32 day cycle after the last one being 38 days.
- Tonight I am going to enjoy a lovely glass of Wolf Blass Grey Label Shiraz.  Mmmmm…

A request.


D has just left for a two week work trip and I am feeling at a loss. 

I’m still just not quite right.  I don’t know what it is.  I’ve just started taking my herbs again after a week of not taking anything, simply because I just didn’t want to. 
And even now, I am doing it reluctantly because I know I need to.  And there are other things in my life that I just don’t want to do.  Lucky I am on holidays!  I am grateful for that.  I don’t feel right in my body, my head or my soul.

I am constantly thinking of the ayuvedic guy I used to see and feel the need to make an appointment.  I think I will do that today.  Maybe he can help sort things out for me.

I am on Day 33.  A longer cycle again.  Unless of course I am pregnant.  But I don’t think so.  Why?  I just don’t feel it.  And I guess also, I want to be feeling better about myself when I become pregnant!

I need to ask for some safe thoughts for D as he travels the roads for the next two weeks.  He will be on the road every day driving between 3000 and 4000 kms in that time.  Please send lots of protection for him so that he comes home safely to me.  Thank you.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Holiday Update




I’ve lost motivation to talk about our conception journey lately, probably because I have lost motivation on the journey itself!  I’ve still been keeping track of where I am in my cycle and this morning, I worked out when I am due, because we are in the two week wait now.  But the drive and the strong desire has taken a respite over the last few weeks.  Fortunately it hasn’t for D.  And while I still would love to be pregnant, he is often the one saying that we should still be trying now on this particular day.  I am so grateful for that!  For his enthusiasm and continued desire to have children together.

Last week, I went back to the naturopath for a complete re-look at what herbs I am taking.  She is sending me off for tests to see how much improvement there has been in the last few months and is changing things. 

She believes the mix I have been taking has done it’s job and it’s now time to focus on my progesterone.  From looking at all my fertility clinic test results, she believes it may be possible that we fertilise an egg, but then that I don’t maintain the progesterone level in order to hold it. 

The reason she thinks this, is that my progesterone levels are all over the place in regards to the days in my cycle.  And she believes that my progesterone levels are dropping far too quickly at the end of my cycle, which the results did indicate.  But I wonder if my cycles have become irregular again from the inconsistency in producing oestrogen rather than progesterone.

Nevertheless, she has my complete trust and I am very glad to be taking a different track and trying a new approach.  And it’s quite likely that this new herb I am taking which focuses on creating good progesterone will also balance out the other hormones as well.

Over the next few weeks, on the appropriate days of my cycle, I will redo the original tests.  I can’t wait to see the results!  Definitely excited about that!