Next update!

The last two mornings have been a bit of a challenge with tiredness and nausea plaguing me.  Particularly this morning when I had to drag myself out of bed and head off to work!  However, at this point, I am finding that it is only lasting for a few hours and then I'm feeling okay again.

There is definitely some bloating as well and occasional cramps or a feeling of heaviness.  Still nothing to write home about - so to speak!

My first scan was yesterday and everything is growing nicely.  I have another one tomorrow and that may decide when I go into theatre.

Dave comes home tomorrow (fingers crossed) - Yippeeee!

A few other things have been happening that feel like things are falling into place.

Four - My home has gradually been getting additions of a change of baby clothes, bottles, and food.   With the extra last minute babysitting, J hasn't had time to properly pack for him.  It's just been a quick drop off between rushed hospital visits.  So, I went shopping and bought a couple of things to keep here.

It's been so lovely seeing baby clothes hanging on the line and I have a drawer in the spare room that I am keeping everything in.  Unfortunately, due to past experiences, I have stopped really believing in signs, but this feels like just one more thing that is keeping me positive about us succeeding this time around.  It's a new thing for me to have these things in the house and I like it.

Five - I'm also so ready to have a "mummy" car.  I keep looking at cars on the road for the one that I would like.  Thats also new.

So lots of things are feeling good.  It just all remains to be seen doesn't it??!!

Strange to be feeling normal!

I'm finding it strange that, aside from a couple of days ago when I had some minor symptoms, I'm not experiencing any issues with this round at all. I'm not tired, or nausea, and the abdominal pains have gone, or at the most, hardly noticeable.  It doesn't feel like I'm doing an IVF round at all.  In fact, I feel really good!

I'm tired today but thats because I've had two late nights out with friends and have still woken up bright and early!  Just normal tiredness.  My body is a bit sore but thats because I did an intense pilates session the other day that left me really sore and yesterday did a two hour walk in the heat pushing Logan in the pram and have had him for the last two afternoons mostly holding him because he doesn't want to be put down much at the moment.  So that is all pretty normal!

I wonder how things will change with the introduction of the orgalutron injection tomorrow.  The strange thing is, I keep having these thoughts that the drugs can't be working properly if I'm not having any symptoms.  But I'm having an early scan tomorrow so I will find out for sure!

Things have been tough for my niece and her family and I'm grateful that I've been available to help with Logan when they have needed it.  From my side, he is an absolute delight and I love taking care of him.  I think the emotions of all those around him the last few days and the amount of time he has spent in the hospital is affecting him though.  Thus, not wanting to be put down very much and being restless and fidgety.  He was certainly a handful yesterday.  But still a delightful handful!

The first day I had him, the sadness I felt at having to give him back to his Mum was intense.  My whole soul lifted while in the maternal role of taking care of him.  And it was hard to lose that.  But yesterday was fine and it was nice to have J stay for a while and unburden and chat.  I miss them both today!

Feeling Good!

My blood tests results came back very positively yesterday.  My FSH levels are exactly where they need to be in order for the IVF drugs to work their best wonders.

I gave myself my first injection last night with no problems.  I was so worried about going through these next two weeks without Dave.  In fact 24 hours ago, I would have said I wasn't coping.  But something shifted during the day yesterday and I feel great!  Don't ask me what it was.  I wouldn't have a clue!!!

I'm feeling really, really positive about this round.  I know that can be a dangerous place to go when the let down can then be even bigger, but I don't care!  I'm feeling really good about the possiblity of being successful this time around and I intend to go with this feeling!

So many things seem to be falling into place at the moment. 

One - The freakiest one of all is the level of syncronicity between my kinesiologist and my therapist.  Everytime a new things come up with one person, it is also comes up with the other.  It's crazy!  And I love it!  I feel like they are working together.  And I really believe that I have been led to both of them at this time in my life.

I feel like there are some really significant breakthroughs going on in my pysche and that I am finally beginning to take some small steps toward releasing some long held patterns and issues in my life.  And to be doing that just before a baby comes along, is simply wondrous.  I have always wanted to be in a place where I am not passing on to much "garbage" to my child.  So that they don't inherit and have to deal with all the difficult things that I have had to.  We bring so much into our lives that need healing as it is, it would be nice not to give my child all my "garbage" on top of that as well.

Anyway, it is just baby steps, but I'm feeling so good about it all at the moment.  It is giving me the feeling of the timing being just right.  And that, as I let go and heal from my own issues, I will be a much better mother.

Two - And then there is starting to babysit my great nephew every week.  My maternal instincts have been switched on with him and I am loving the role of being his caretaker once a week.  I love it more than I thought I would and it just fits me to a tee!  It's made me more excited about being a mum.

Three - Without my intending it to be, my work hours have dropped quite a lot this year.  I have more time, less stress and I am beginning to love my life once more.  I am certainly enjoying work more which is just wonderful.  In fact, I could even begin to say, I'm starting to love it again.  I haven't been able to say that for years!

As a result, I am beginning to enjoy my home life more.  I'm getting out into the garden, I'm keeping up with the bookwork.  I'm back to regular exercise.  I'm not feeling this constant pressure to have to keep up with everything because I have more time to achieve what needs to be done.

I am grateful to be in this place now, after two months of really struggling.  Thank you!!!

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A truly happy one for today! One of my favs of Dave!

Title change

I'm 44 now.  I was 40 and hopeful when we started this journey.  Hope does still live in me but it is surrounded by a sense of loss and of being let down.

Anyway, a slight change in title seemed appropriate.  4 years ago, I went with New Mum Over 40, because it was a pro-active, positive, put it out there and it will be, way to go.  Now, at 44, it is just misleading.

I'm no New Mum.  A new great aunt, but no new mum.

Today I am finding myself really missing my little nephew.  Craving for him would be a better description.  A full day of babysitting on Friday and a overnighter on Saturday has really brought my maternal needs to the forefront.  I look forward to seeing him this Friday for my weekly babysitting.

I have absolutely no fears about the change in my life that will occur with a new-born baby.  Being with my nephew has shown me how much I want that role.  I've known for years that I've been ready for it, but now I know on a physical level.  On a maternal level.  On an activity level.  I am craving it.

Along with what has happened with me conceiving two cycles in a row, I am hoping that this deep down in my soul maternal feeling, will be a trigger for things finally coming together for us.  This is where my hope lives now.  There are no barriers, no doubts, my body is trying to work, and my soul is committed.  We just have to find that one good embryo.  There is still hope.

A "great" great nephew

8 months ago, my niece gave birth to her first child - a gorgeous baby boy!  He is just an absolute delight!  Not only he is a beautiful baby but he has to be the best and easiest baby ever.  I love him to bits!

Now that his Mum is back at work part-time, I have started babysitting him one day a week. Plus the occasional overnighter.

I can't tell you how much of a delight it is to spend the whole day playing and taking care of him.  It is the role I have been dreaming of for 4 years.  And it feels SO good.  It feels like exactly what I should and want to be doing with my life.  It fits me to a tee!! 

There are moments when I get upset that I don't have one of my own, and that I have to give him back and stop doing the baby routine.  But mostly, it gives me such pleasure!  He has kick started my exercise routine once again because I love taking him for walks in his pram! And I'm sure that spending time with him has also helped me to slowly begin to emerge from the 'funk' I've been in since the last miscarriage.

My niece, of course, knows all about our IVF journey (except for the last two failed pregnancies, those I haven't been able to talk to anyone about except for a small handful of my nearest and dearest).  And she knows how much it means to me to be able to help her in this way. 

So, whether or not we are successful in having our own children, I will always have her children to dote on and be a special person to them.  And the biggest plus of all, is how much closer my niece and I have become since she became pregnant.  It was then that I began sharing with her our difficulties, rejoiced with her for her pregnancy, and we started bonding on a different level.  I am so grateful.