Wednesday, April 24, 2013

A different two week wait

Yesterday's scan also saw the end of our time with the fertility clinic.  Gosh, it seems so weird to say that.  Fertility clinics in some form or another have been a part of our lives for four years.  And we were with our current one for 18 months.

At the end of the session, they gave us a goodie bag filled with samples of baby things and baby and pregnancy magazines.  It was exciting but also scary.  It just seems a bit too soon for all of that stuff. 

I do feel pretty good with it all, though.  My goodness, we have never gotten this far before.  To know that there is a little heart beating away inside me.  It's amazing!  But I will be continuing to pray and meditate and keep my fingers crossed especially up until our 12 week scan.

I'm excited to be going to our new OB in two weeks.  He comes highly recommended from Louise and they work quite closely together.  Two weeks seems a long way away though.  The longest I've gone in between checking on our progress is a week!  I'm going to need to use all my deep breathing and calming techniques to stop myself from worrying.  "Everything is going well" will need to be my mantra.  "Everything is going well" "Everything is going well" "Everything is going well".

One of my friends is now in a position in her relationship where they are thinking about having children and she has begun taking pre-conception supplements.  She is 42.  I so hope it's not going to be as hard for her as it was for me.  I don't know that my experience will be able to help her either.  She is very strong willed in her beliefs and has to work things out in her own way.  But I will be there for her no matter what happens. 

No-one can really understand what it is like to be infertile if they haven't been through it.  And I know how extraordinarily helpful and supportive it has been to have been able to connect with other women through their infertile blogs.  I have two wonderful friends who have been incredibly supportive but no-one in real life who has experienced infertility.  She can.  I'd like to think that she doesn't have a long road ahead of her and perhaps we will even be pregnant together.  But I know all too well about the problems with the aging of ones eggs after 40.  And she has less time to work it out than I did.  I started at 40.  I have my fingers crossed for her as well!!

In the meantime, I am happy for myself.  I am happy to finally be pregnant with a heartbeat.  I am in disbelief that we have finished at the fertility clinic!  I am doing my best to be careful and healthy for our baby to give it the best chance I can.  And I am waiting.  Waiting to see what happens, waiting to see the OB, waiting to be able to say second trimester.

Fingers crossed.

Love and light

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Second Scan at 8 weeks

Our second scan and its still good news!  Dave has finally started letting himself feel excited about it now.  Things are progressing so well.

I was so nervous and anxious going into the scan.  Please let there still be a heartbeat, show me the heartbeat... and there it was!  Beating faster than last time, exactly as it should be, and bubby has grown beautifully.  This time he/she measured exactly as he/she should.  Pheww!!

Our OB is really pleased and the nurse actually put her hand on my knee and said "it looks like this one is going to go all the way".  Not something they would say lightly in a fertility clinic!

I didn't mention last week about the nausea that I felt which started Sunday night and didn't start easing until after the scan Monday night.  By Tuesday it was gone.  I assumed it was the start of morning sickness.  But I haven't felt that way since and there is only one possible reason for it - unconsciously I was sick with worry about our first scan.  I wasn't feeling it on the outside, but boy did my body manifest how I was feeling internally.  I couldn't eat all day Monday.  Dave made some soup for dinner and I was able to get some of that down, but I was so ill all day.  The OB asked me if I thought it was nerves.  I didn't know at the time.  But now I do.  I was ill with unconscious worry.  It's amazing how the body will manifest things even if we don't consciously know that we are feeling a certain way. 

So, aside from a few moments of feeling nauseus this week - in a different way than I felt on Monday - I have had no morning sickness at all.  No vomiting at all.  I am feeling quite blessed that I am one of the 25% of women that don't get it - so far at least!!  lol.   I had always been told that morning sickness was a good sign, so when I didn't get it, of course there was a little bit of concern.  But I asked Louise yesterday, and she said she didn't get it either.  That's it's all good. 

Thank goodness.  And I have to say, is I deserve a bit of a relief from something with all that I've gone through, particularly in the last 6 months.  Yea!!!

Dave took a video of the monitor showing our babies beating heart and we get photos in the mail next week.  So, we are now starting babies photo and video collection!  That's exciting!

I know we still have 5 weeks to go before we can feel safe and clear, but it feels really exciting now.  I'm starting to feel like this baby is a part of me and thats a good feeling.

I've had people telling me stories of women who miscarried at 12 weeks.  Why do they tell us things like that at this stage??  I know we are still at risk and so many things can go wrong, but I don't want to think that way.  This is an exciting time and I intend to try to bring only positive energy and good thoughts into my body and spirit.  All is going well!

Love and Light

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

A heartbeat!!

Yesterday we drove into the city, surprisingly quite relaxed considering we were about to find out whether we had a successful pregnancy or not.  After my kinesiology session though, I have been nothing but confident, so amazingly, for the most part, I wasn't worried.  At least on the surface!

It was amazing!!  The first thing the OB said was "there is the pregnancy!" and I was "where, where, where??!!"  And then she pointed out the heartbeat.  It was incredible.  Later she changed the scan view so we were able to see the heart beating in colour.  Just phenomenal.  To think something the size of a pea, has this amazing heartbeat.

We are so relieved and happy and we finally feel like we are really on our way to being parents.  We have to go back next week for another scan because bubby was positioned in such a way that Louise couldn't get a proper measurement and he seemed to be measuring too small for 7 weeks.  He was snuggled right up in the very corner of the sac.  But she is sure that it was just the angle because his heart is beating exactly as it should be for 7 weeks.

So, there is still a slight worry in my head about his sizing.  There always seems to be something!!!  But I'm taking the same approach as I've had for the last week.  Trust!  We have a heartbeat.  We have our baby growing away and snuggled into my body.

I am so relieved, and grateful.

Thank you everyone for all your prayers and support.  I know we still have a ways to go before we are safe, but right now, it feels wonderful!

Love and Light

Thursday, April 11, 2013

I AM...

I am pregnant
I AM pregnant

Today I went to see my kinesiologist.  What an amazing woman she is.  I told her that I was pregnant but I didn't like the place that I was in.  I was worried and stressed and tired and I knew that it wasn't good for me or the baby.

I walked out of that session feeling like a different person.  The excitement is back, the trust is back, the surety that we are succeeding is back.  The loving connection with our little one is back.  My grounding is back and my spiritual connection is back.  I feel happy!

I never mentioned the word "trust" to her, but it came up several times throughout the session.  What also came up, over and over, was my fear, anxiety and worry.  Fear of disappointment.  Fear that I will be disappointed again.

It turns out that the fear and worry were not just on a surface level but were emerging deep from my unconscious.  A lifetime of fear and worry was emerging and being reflected into worry for my baby.

Carolyn cleared all of that.  She reopened my connection to Spirit and aligned my energy once more.  I'm amazed at how much better I feel.  I feel much more secure in the process.  I feel greater Trust that things are working well.

She asked me if I could remember a time when I completely trusted in the process of my life, of the universe unfolding.  And I couldn't.  I don't remember ever feeling like that.  Now it's time that I did.  Anytime the fear emerges, I need to delete that file and replace it with the new one of Trust and acceptance.  Of living in the moment.  And in this moment right now, I AM PREGNANT!  I rejoice in that, I feel the joy, I feel the love for our tiny little bundle of cells that are still dividing and growing just like the nurse told me that they were.

After the trust question, Carolyn asked me if I could remember a time when I felt truly at peace and calm with my life.  And I do remember that.  Just one period in my life.  It was just before I met Dave.  A few months before, I had broken up from a destructive relationship and I was just beginning to get my life back again.  I don't know why, or how it happened, or how to recreate it, but for several months, my life was good.  I was constantly feeling the peacefulness of life, the simplicity of life.  I was always taking time to connect with Spirit and centre myself.  I was eating well, exercising daily, with no problems or addictive behaviours or thoughts. 

I've often wanted to go back to that time in my life.  Perhaps now is the time to recreate it.  Perhaps now I am ready.

Thank you Carolyn for helping me to move past the fear that I have been living with the last few weeks.  Thank you Spirit for leading me to Carolyn a few months ago.  I do credit her as a significant part of how we were able to finally conceive.

I asked her if she knew of any meditiation CD's that would be good for me to stay connected.  And she has given me some ideas.  So, I'm going to follow through on that and hopefully find the exact right one for me.

I Am Pregnant!!

Wednesday, April 10, 2013


This post is designed to try and pull me out of my fear and back into Trust, cause I really need to.

I had my final blood test before our scan on Monday.  Everything is still going forward.  My HCG levels are now just under 10,000 and the other hormones are progressing as well.  But it just all seems to have slowed down.

I was expecting the hormones to be around 15,000 give or take.  So when they weren't I questioned how the progress was going.  The nurse assured me that you can't give a lot of status to the numbers at this stage.  According to their pregnancy hormone chart, I am still doing fine.  It is the scan on Monday that will really tell us what is going on.  All going well, we will hear a heartbeat or two.  She said the fact that hormones are still increasing shows that the cells are still dividing and progressing.  That I wasn't to worry.

I'm just not sure if she is just trying to comfort me until the scan or she really believes that things are going ok.

I'm so scared that things have slowed down and aren't progressing properly anymore.

I need to let go of this fear and Trust.  But I'm not sure how to do that.

I think what I will do for now is lay down and do my Light and Love meditation.  Imagine bubby (ies) inside me and send them all the good energy I can.  Deep breathing will also relax me and get me focused on what is important.  Being positive about our pregnancy and trusting that all is going ok.

This isn't an easy process.  It's hard to feel the joy.  But we are still further along than we have ever gotten before and I need to be grateful for that and allow that to generate Hope.

Deep breaths.


Be so thankful and amazed that we have gotten this far.

Let go.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Anxiety and another blood test

Thursday afternoon saw me in tears with worry and calling the clinic for another blood test.  I'd been trying so hard not to be anxious about how things were going.  I was doing really well until Thursday arvo!

After the phone call I felt so much better just knowing I was getting checked the next day.  My pregnancy hormones have gone up nicely.  Not as much as I hoped for or expected but still at the top of the range of the chart I put up yesterday and the nurse was happy with the HCG numbers as well as my oestrogen and progesterone.  HCG 4890.  Up from 1938 on Monday.  So we are still going along fine.  Phewww!

I really do feel so much better now.  I'm starting to feel more relaxed and trusting in the process.  And able to just let things progress however they progress.

I do wish that I would stop brown spotting though.  I had it about a week ago and it started again two days ago.  I know that it is nothing to worry about.  Brown blood is old blood.  But I really would prefer not to have it!!

Anita asked me a few questions in her comment yesterday so I thought I would answer them here!  Hi Anita!  And Hi Jen as well.  Thank you for you comments!

"Sooo... how ya feelin'?! :) Sleeping well? Any cravings yet? Tired?"

How AM I feeling?
It's such a mix of feelings going on.  I don't feel that I've gotten to the point of being excited yet (after the initial BFP that is!).  I think that might happen once we get to hearing the heartbeat.
Any time I have any symptomatic pains I am really happy.  The morning I woke up and my boobs didn't hurt, I got worried. Come to think of it - that was Thursday!  But they started hurting again later in the day!  YEA!!!  lol
Today though, I am mostly feeling pretty calm and that is good.

Sleeping well?
Yes, apart from the hot/cold thing.  Blankets on, blankets off, blankets on, blankets off.  I just keep going back and forth with my body temperature.
Oh, and I've upped my water intake, so I'm going to the toilet at least twice during the night as well!
But, I am going back to sleep straight away and getting enough sleep.

No.  Expect for wanting to eat really well with lots of vegetables and very little sugary treats.  I'm amazed at what I am not craving.  I have none of the food cravings that I usually have with my food addiction.  I still have problems with the mental need for compulsive eating, but as I absolutely don't want junk, it is not eventuating.  Most interesting.

Yes!  On and off.  I am able to rest quite a bit, so I take advantage of it and any tiredness I have is not overwhelming me.

Well, thats it for today!  Thank you everyone for you support.  Oo, yes I am a little excited now!  Nice!

Love and Light

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Third blood test

We had our third blood test on Monday - at 5 weeks/Day 35 - and things are still looking good.  My HCG levels had risen to 1938 - up from 265 on Friday.   Working on the premise of them doubling every two days, I didn't expect them to be that high.  However, the nurse said that was where they would expect them to be and on looking up an on-line chart, it was confirmed.

HCG Levels in Single and Twin Pregnancy
Days from LMP*
HCG Range** for Singleton Pregnancy
HCG Range for Multiple Pregnancy

Going from this chart, it looks like we may only have one, not two bubbies growing.  But until confirmed, I am going to continue talking to two of them!

Our first scan has been cancelled now.  This clinic will just wait for the seven week scan (rather than doing a six week scan as well), which in my case, will be seven and a half weeks (fingers crossed!).  I am a little disappointed, but I understand.  They feel that there wouldn't be much to see any earlier than that and there certainly wouldn't be a heartbeat, so it wouldn't be to my advantage to scan earlier.

As long as I keep getting regularly checked with blood tests so I know things are going ok, then that will be alright.

It is up to me how often I get blood tested.  The OB says that at this stage, they will do whatever I need to feel comfortable and not stressed.  Isn't that amazing???  It's such a great clinic!  And our OB Louise is just awesome.  And while I am debating with myself about getting tested on Friday, I think Monday will be fine.  A week will give us a really good idea on what is happening and besides, it is stressful waiting for the results of tests as well!!

I am still nervous about it all.  I think it will be quite some time before that disappears.  Each test has helped me to feel better and I hope that each upcoming test will continue in the same way.

In the meantime, I keep remembering to TRUST.  It helps me so much to just let go and accept.  It brings a joy over the pregnancy and a feeling of letting go of all the worries that I have.  I just have to say it constantly, because I keep forgetting!

There are so many people out there, including us, praying for us and have their fingers crossed that our pregnacy continues to blossom.  It is wonderful to know how we are being supported by our friends and family and also by Spirit.