How my life is changing

I've said right from when it happened, that this has been a life changing experience for me.  At first I could simply feel it in myself.  I felt different.  This sounds silly to say at 44, but I've felt like I've grown up.  There is a wisdom and a life experience in me that wasn't there before.  There is a new knowledge about life and an emotional depth that I feel reflected in my eyes.  And as much as I'm distraught about how this happened and wish I could take it all back and still have my little girl growing within me, I like the change.

Now I am seeing the change in my daily life, in my actions, in the choices that I am making, and in the things that I am doing.  My world is changing.  What I want in it, who I want in it, and what I want to be doing with it.

For several years now, I have wished to be more like my mother in certain aspects.  My Mum is a get go woman.  She doesn't stop.  Always busy, always helping, always active.  And I have wanted to be more like that.  Now, I am starting to be.  I like it.  And Dave likes it!

Now, why does Dave like it?  Because I have started baking!  All of a sudden, I have this need to cook.  Now, just to remind you, I hate cooking.  Loathe it.  Dave cooks most of our dinners.  But every now and then I have gotten the urge to bake a cake or muffins with a packet mix.  Now I am baking from scratch.  Any day that I can.  If I'm not actually doing it, I am planning what I want to do next.  And loving it!  Now thats more like my mother.  And Dave is my taste tester.  And he loves this new me!

I'm also succeeding with my goal to be more active around the house.  Television viewing is diminishing.  And busy-ness is increasing.  And I am so happy for it.  The downside...  Remember all my clutter clearing?  Well I was just starting to feel on top of the house in that regard.  Now, there is a whole new level going on!  And the house feels crazy again.  There is a new level of activity in the kitchen that needs organising - with rearranging cupboards, and organise recipe folders to allow for the new baking me.  And there is just more happening everywhere that needs clarifying and organising and finding the right why of doing things. 

So my clutter cleared organised head has found a new deeper level of existence that needs sorting out.  It's a wonderful metaphor and is so clearly a reflection of the deeper level of me that is emerging.  My therapist describes it as peeling away the layers of the onion and discovering and making sense of the real me.

It's a good thing and I so happy for it. 

But at the moment it is clouded in a high level of anxiety.  Anxiety and being even just a little bit unorganised, don't work together for me.

Dave leaves on a work trip on Friday for over a week.  I am not coping without him at the moment.  The moment he leaves my anxiety level rockets.  My kineisologist saw it in my body in my last session.  That at the moment, my need for nuturing is high.  That I need supportive friends and family around me.  And I'm just not coping without him.

I had resolved the problem.  I was spending a few nights in the country with one of my bridesmaids.  I used to do it regularly before I met Dave.  It was the perfect solution.  However, Kiara the cat, needed surgery yesterday.  She is fine and recovering well but I can't leave her.  Raphael is hissing at her and the two of them need to be managed.  I can't leave them alone and there is noone else to look after them.

So, I'm scared about Friday and next week.  I don't know how I will be.  The anxiety I feel over the cats is simply adding to it.  Even before he has gone, I'm not coping.

I will ask Mum to come over.  She may even spend a couple of nights.  That will help.  And I will focus on the wonderful changes that are going on in my life.  I will continue to chip at the organisation jobs that I have.  I will continue to bake. 

I am grateful that with the way I am feeling I haven't turned to my usual coping behaviours.  I am still leading my new life, albeit somewhat subdued and shut in.

IVF

And so it begins…

We got all the IVF drugs today and will start our first round when I get my period in a few days.

To be absolutely honest, I am absolutely terrified.

I am going through a tough patch now, just with my life.  I am terrified about throwing this into the mix as well.  How am I going to react?  Will it be too much for me?  Will I lose the plot?  Will I end up in a full blown panic attack and in hospital?  That maybe an overreaction, but it is a thought that I truly and honestly feel all the time.

First thing is, I need to try and get on top of things.  I’m just not really sure how to go about that.  Everything I have tried over the last few weeks hasn’t even gotten off the ground.  But from tomorrow and especially from Monday, things need to be radically different.

The nurse said something interesting today.  She said that for every negative thought we have, we need 6 positive thoughts to counteract it.  Which roughly would mean I would need about 200 positive thought a day!  LOL  and a , but true.  It shows just how powerful our negative thoughts are.

She suggested starting a list of positive things to do, when the negativity / despair etc descends.  So Dave and I have put a little plan into action.  We have a grocery shopping app that links to both our phones.  Occasionally we have fun with it and leave each other messages.  Dave is going to do this for me now.  He is going to leave me positive, fun messages to try and help me through this phase I am in.  That in itself is a wonderfully positive thought!   

As for me, I need to find my own list.  I need to remember that this IVF thing is the most important thing in my life and I need to battle my inner demons with love and positivity in order for things to go well for me, for us and for our future baby.

Here goes!!

A beginning

  I made a good start today on the Marianne Williamson book “A Course In Weight Loss”.  I think it will be a good step forward in the right direction for me.

I also downloaded the two radio shows she has done on this so far from Hay House Radio.  I am halfway through the first one.

It is amazing how much she just nails the whole issue.  She really gets it.  And I am going to make a concerted effort to go deep into the process that she takes her readers.

As such, I think it is a topic more suited to my Creating Peaceful Thoughts blog.  That is exactly what it is about – changing my mindset.  So while any progress ont his will hopefully help us conceive, any further entries on this issue I will do over there.

Love and light to you all.

NM over40 (to be!)

xx

A new book.

Many months ago when I first began researching the net for pregnancy over 40, I came across Sandy Robertson’s websites and blogs and her book You Can Get Pregnant Over 40, Naturally.
   



I wanted to buy the book right then and there.  But I thought, no, we are just getting started and we are doing it with the support and guidance of our naturopath and acupuncturist.  We will be pregnant in no time!

Now, we are in Cycle 8 and I am delighted to say, I have bought and downloaded her book.  Yea!
I am looking forward to reading what she has to say, the guidance and advice that she has to offer.  I am looking forward to finding peace in the process once more.  I am looking forward to following her advice on nutrition.
 
I ignore the chapter on weight because worrying about that is only problematic for my stress levels.   I already know all the medical stats as well as all the naturopathic healing, support and successful results.   The issue of weight in conception and pregnancy, and generally, is not as cut and dry as a couple of paragraphs.  Those who haven’t ever had to deal with it, will never really understand the issues involved.  There is so much more to it.  What is important is being healthy and fit and having all the right hormonal and vitamin balances in the body. 

Thus her chapter on nutrition is going to be invaluable to me.  Eat well and exercise, reduce stress. Eat more fruit and vegetables.  They are important factors in conception and having a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.  Food is the one area that I struggle with and need to manage more effectively.  I have so much trouble getting my spiritual and physical self connected.  With any luck, Sandy will be able to assist me with this.

She also has a meditation CD that I can download.  I think this will also be very helpful for me.

All these things, I hope, will bring about a more peaceful me and a physical me that is more receptive to conception.  A healthier me, a more connected me, a more relaxed me, a pregnant me!!

Sickness = loss of motivation

I've come down sick the last couple of days. Had a few nights of not sleeping well and that was enough for the germies to find a way into my system.

My naturopath explained to me that it's when we are sleeping between the hours of 11 and 2, that our immune system repairs itself. I didn't really sleep between those hours at all for 3-4 nights in a row. So no wonder the bugs took over.

There are so many nasty bugs around at the moment. I thought I was doing so well staying healthy. And I was, until I couldn't sleep! I have had so many students turning up sick or having been sick. Even several who have been out with swine flu. D has been sick for a couple of weeks.

I hate losing a good flow. I've been so happy with the changes in my life the last couple of weeks. My work schedule has been so much better, and I've easily readopted my old exercise routine and healthy eating.

But now, it's stopped. I'm not at work, not exercising and not eating well!! Ah, the joys of being sick. So, I need to do the right thing and lay low. Get as much rest as I can. And stop doing things around the house!

Yesterday, I cleaned out kitchen cupboards and started on the linen press because I was going mad not doing anything.
Today though, I seem to be more weary, so it might be easier to read in bed and recuperate.

So, for now that is what I will do.
I'm looking forward to doing a post showing my clutter clearing endeavours. Hopefully that will be ready to go soon!