Feeling Good!

My blood tests results came back very positively yesterday.  My FSH levels are exactly where they need to be in order for the IVF drugs to work their best wonders.

I gave myself my first injection last night with no problems.  I was so worried about going through these next two weeks without Dave.  In fact 24 hours ago, I would have said I wasn't coping.  But something shifted during the day yesterday and I feel great!  Don't ask me what it was.  I wouldn't have a clue!!!

I'm feeling really, really positive about this round.  I know that can be a dangerous place to go when the let down can then be even bigger, but I don't care!  I'm feeling really good about the possiblity of being successful this time around and I intend to go with this feeling!

So many things seem to be falling into place at the moment. 

One - The freakiest one of all is the level of syncronicity between my kinesiologist and my therapist.  Everytime a new things come up with one person, it is also comes up with the other.  It's crazy!  And I love it!  I feel like they are working together.  And I really believe that I have been led to both of them at this time in my life.

I feel like there are some really significant breakthroughs going on in my pysche and that I am finally beginning to take some small steps toward releasing some long held patterns and issues in my life.  And to be doing that just before a baby comes along, is simply wondrous.  I have always wanted to be in a place where I am not passing on to much "garbage" to my child.  So that they don't inherit and have to deal with all the difficult things that I have had to.  We bring so much into our lives that need healing as it is, it would be nice not to give my child all my "garbage" on top of that as well.

Anyway, it is just baby steps, but I'm feeling so good about it all at the moment.  It is giving me the feeling of the timing being just right.  And that, as I let go and heal from my own issues, I will be a much better mother.

Two - And then there is starting to babysit my great nephew every week.  My maternal instincts have been switched on with him and I am loving the role of being his caretaker once a week.  I love it more than I thought I would and it just fits me to a tee!  It's made me more excited about being a mum.

Three - Without my intending it to be, my work hours have dropped quite a lot this year.  I have more time, less stress and I am beginning to love my life once more.  I am certainly enjoying work more which is just wonderful.  In fact, I could even begin to say, I'm starting to love it again.  I haven't been able to say that for years!

As a result, I am beginning to enjoy my home life more.  I'm getting out into the garden, I'm keeping up with the bookwork.  I'm back to regular exercise.  I'm not feeling this constant pressure to have to keep up with everything because I have more time to achieve what needs to be done.

I am grateful to be in this place now, after two months of really struggling.  Thank you!!!

-----------------------------

A truly happy one for today! One of my favs of Dave!

IVF round two

Round Two was a long time ago now.  Back in August I think.  Once again there were complications.

After my first scan to check the progress of the follicular growth, it was discovered that I had a polyp on my uterine wall.  The clinic sent me off for a 3D scan to get a good look at it.

The waiting room for the 3D scan was filled with pregnant women with their young children running around their feet.  They were there to get a look at their new growing child.  I was there from complications with just trying to get one.  But the scan staff were fantastic, kind and caring and the experience went off without a hitch.

The polyp was confirmed and that meant that during my harvest surgery, they would remove it.  It also meant that any embryos would need to be frozen because they wouldn't be able to be put transfer them after the surgery to remove the polyp. 

The surgery turned out to be a little more complicated, because the polyp was embedded in the uterine wall.  Rather than tying it off and removing it, they had to cut into the wall and dig it out.  Yuck!!! 
And also my ovaries had decided to hide away and they had to push and prod them into place to get out the follicles.  Unfortunately, they weren't able to get them all.

We only got 6 eggs that round.  I think five of them fertilised, but only one grew to a size that was valid.  However, that one was a much better quality than the one we got last time.  So, it was frozen and is waiting for us to implant.

Our Round Three was going to just be a harvest.  We were going to freeze any embryos we got rather than implanting straight away.  The reasons were multiple. 
One, there is quite an argument now about whether it is better to freeze and implant into a natural cycle or put the fresh embryos into a stimulated cycle.  Many clinics are now exclusively doing the freeze and implant later. 
Second, I was really keen to do a harvest and freeze before we left for our honeymoon.  Every month that passes, is a month more aging of my eggs.  I so wanted to get some more and not let two more months pass.  So, that is another thing so dissappointing about our round three.  We weren't able to get any embryos.

My OB is on the fence with regards to natural versus frozen transfer.  However, with the other circumstances going on for us right now that would cause emotional stress which is not good for the success of a round, she agreed that it was best to freeze and implant in January.  With that not happening due to the complications of round three, we will probably do a full round including fresh transfer in January, rather than freeze.

Now, I am concerned about the timing of round 4.  It all depends on when my next period occurs.  They have predicted 10 - 14 days after the trigger injection.  Which means I could start my period after that during the Christmas/New Year week when they are closed.  That would just suck.  So when I go for my blood tests on Friday, I will talk them about all of that.  We still have the drugs, so it is possible we will be able to start ourselves for the first few days and see them straight away in the the New Year.  Or maybe we will just conceive naturally on our honeymoon cruise to New Zealand!!!  Now that would be awesome!!  And the timing could be right!

January will be a great month for me to do a round.  It will be the summer holidays, I will be totally relaxed and refreshed from our cruise and I will be stress free with no work until February.  Keep your fingers crossed that it all works out.

Through the grace of God

Over the last two years, Dave and I have done so many tests to check for fertility and pregnancy (not to mention the gazillion other tests for fertility!). Saliva tests, Urine tests and Basal Body Temperature to check for ovulation. Urine tests to check for pregnancy. Not once have we ever got a positive result on anything. Not for ovulation or for pregnancy.

So, when I walked out of the toilet with the positive pregnancy test on Wednesday night, it put us both in a complete state of shock!

Oh my! Wow!

And I know with all my heart and soul, that we are pregnant through the grace of God. A few months ago, I surrendered the whole journey to God. I said to God that we had tried everything to conceive, we had been pro-active to the enth degree, with no result. I handed it over to God, saying that there was nothing more I can do, that I was helpless and I placed it all into Gods hands. I surrendered and I let go.

Two months later, we are pregnant.

I haven’t stopped thanking God since. Every day, I give thanks. I am so grateful to have been graced with this baby. I feel honoured that we have conceived and that a soul out there in the beyond has chosen us to be its parents.

I will never stop being thankful.

Now, as we journey through this first trimester, I am still placing the journey in God’s hands. I hand over to Him, the health and well-being of our child. I hand over to Him my fears and insecurities. Thy will be done. And in return, I focus on feeling taken care of, at ease and peaceful.

I breathe out a deep sigh.

Aaahhh...

An anniversary weekend.

D and I treated ourselves to a night at the Grand Hotel for our anniversary this year, courtesy of a birthday gift from my parents.  Thanks Mum and Dad!  It was just awesome!

We had a wonderful time and, wouldn’t you know it, it was right on ovulation time!  Woohooo!!

We had heaps of fun with our camera!  Check out my 52 Projects post for this week for some of the results of our exposure photography.

The weekend turned out to be cold, wet and dreary.  So our plans of walking along the oceanside and down the main street were dashed.  Instead we played with the camera doing really silly shots as well as the exposure photography.   But for this post, I just put up a nice photo of us in our room!


D LOVED the showerhead in the bathroom.  He just HAD to take a photograph of it and plans to install the exact same one in our shower at home!  Crazy man!

 

Back on land

The flights are done and a good weekend was had!

How did I go?
Well, I got lucky.  I had two relatively smooth flights, which made it much easier to manage.

Did the course help?
Yes, it did.  There was no instant cure.  I still had to manage my fear, but by the second flight, I was surprising myself with how well I did manage the small turbulence that we had and the feelings of take off and landing.  It was starting to feel like any other travel trips on car or boat with all the bumping and rocking along the way.  And I found myself smiling 30,000 feet in the air!

As I took off the second time, my little ditty popped in my head.  “He flys through the air with the greatest of ease..”  It helped SO SO SO much!!  I then kept telling myself “it’s just like being in the car, the bumps are normal”. 

On each flight, I also told the flight attendants on boarding that I had this fear and that I had just done a course trying to conquer it.  They were all really nice and helpful and it made it better knowing that they knew.  I wasn’t alone up there.

How were my stress levels?
Terrible!  And still are.  The lead up to this trip was so stressful for me.  I was often led to tears, my nerves were a mess, and I really wasn’t coping too well with anything.  Now I am successfully back and feeling so much more confident about the next time I may have to fly.  However, my anxiety levels are still high.  I just can’t wind down. 

D is still away and I am not coping with that either.  Which is unusual.  Normally I am fine with being on my own, having done it my most of my life.  Perhaps if he was here, I would be winding down better.  Who knows.

How was Melbourne?
Melbourne was fabulous and the hotel was superb!!!  I don’t have the photos because D still has the camera!  But I took some great ones and can’t wait to show you.  It was a real Grand Hotel.  The staff were old school in their manner and actions and voice.  The decor was like being in a 19th century mansion.  Unfortunately the prices matched that!  So, we ate out and bought a box of cornflakes for breakfast.  The hotel charged $10 for a bowl!!! 

We did have one night where we ate in the hotel bar.  Much more reasonably priced.  But still cooked by the hotel chef.  OH MY GOD!!!  I have never tasted a steak like it.  Absolutely luscious!! MMMMmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!


Overall, I am really happy with myself.  I didn’t allow my fear of flying to stop me having a weekend away.  I did all that I could, not to just deal with the flight, but to conquer the fear.  D is really proud of me! 

While I am glad to be grounded for a while to try and get my anxiety levels back to normal, I am actually keen to try again and remove my fear altogether!  A relatively smooth flight was a lucky break for me to start the process.  The next test will be to get onto a plane without the anxiety in the first place and then to stay relatively calm during rougher turbulence.  There is absolutely nothing to worry about.  And I am amazed to feel quite calm and believing as I write those words!

D wants to fly to Queensland a couple of times this year as the company that he his a partner in, is opening a new branch over there.  If I’m pregnant, I don’t want to take the chance.  But if I’m not, I look forward to another holiday together in another city!

Continuing the Fear of Flying course

Today I have been doing the virtual flight videos and applying my relaxation techniques to the experience.  It’s amazing how even just looking at the videos can bring on the fear. 

The main relaxation technique I have been using is tapping on the pressure points that King Acupunc showed yesterday at my needle session.  He gave me some good needling to help me be calmer and more grounded in my chi.  And two of the points he jabbed are points that I need to tap repeatedly whilst chanting a mantra. 

Today, I have been using this one “this plane is taking me to see D, this plane is taking me to see D” – that has definitely put a smile on my face.  

And this one “I am choosing to fly to see D, I am choosing to fly to see D”. 

And then this little song emerged into my head “he flies through the air with the greatest of ease”.  It’s from a song about flying trapeze artists but it works for me!!  It reminds me that planes are happiest in the air.  That is where they glide as they were built to do.  The course had this cute little picture of a smiling plane with this sentence “The plane is happiest in the air, that's where it's meant to be!”

    

I have printed out my notes form the course, downloaded the audio file and put it on my mp3 player and printed out the book to read as well.  I have my sudoku books and will get some magazines before I board.  I’ve been listening to the audio file any chance I have had today and hope I am starting to get desensitized to the whole experience. 

There is nothing to worry about, nothing to worry about, nothing to worry about.

The air is thick like liquid and the plane swims through it.
Even without engines, the plane will continue to glide through the thick air.
The plane automatically keeps level.  Pilots have to hold them in a turn or for a descent/ascent.
Bumps in the air are just like bumps in the road.   They are caused by changes in the texture of the air, but just as the car keeps going along the road, the plane will keep swimming through the thick air surrounding it.

I put my hand out of the car window as I was driving down the freeway and felt the thickness of the air at the faster speeds.  I felt the buoyancy of my hand in it.  I felt the bumps along the way as the air changed.  But it didn’t affect the buoyancy of my hand.

I imagined being in the plane as the car was bumping along the road.

I watched birds flying through the air, using flapping wings to propel them forward (engines) and then gliding along with the momentum.

Part of me is still feeling all the signs of anxiety and borderline panic, the chest pains are still there.  But another part of me is feeling much more relaxed and aware and excited to see if this course has helped me.

But the best focus is the excitement of the adventure.  The weekend in Melbourne, seeing D, staying at a grand hotel!!  Woohoo!!

Feeling better

I’m feeling better today and finding myself enjoying the unstructured time of being on my own and doing things at my own pace. 

I’ve been doing an on-line course to try and overcome my fear of flying.  It is written by a captain pilot and is very informative.  I am hoping that knowing what is going on both in the air and on the ground and how it all works will take away a lot of my irrational fears of the plane falling to the ground and crashing!

My aim is to be relaxed up the air, knowing that the plane is built to glide through the air and that turbulence is no different than going over bumps on the road in your car.  Did you know that a plane can continue gliding through the air even if all the engines fail? 

We are staying at a gorgeous old grand hotel in Melbourne.  Built in the 1800’s it is one of the only independent grand hotels in the world.  I can’t believe we are staying there.  We got a good deal on it through one of the accommodation deals websites.  I’m really excited.  That will help me get through the flight, knowing where I get to go at the end of it!  As well as seeing D of course!

This is so what we need together.  A weekend away.  If it wasn’t for the ordeal that flying has become for me with the anxiety already building, it would all be just so exciting.  I used to love flying.  I hope this trip will help me to find that again.

The Hotel Windsor – some sneak pictures to tempt my senses!  I will post some of our own photos from the weekend when we get back. 
 
 

 

 

 

 

Flying and pointlessness

I’m flying to Melbourne on Friday to meet D for the weekend.  Have I ever told you about my terrible fear of flying.  Fear of turbulence and the plane crashing, fear of having a panic attack as well as the claustrophobia which I only have only a plane?? 

You get the idea.  Terror!

But I have been researching it all today, what is turbulence, how planes fly, giving myself loads of information so that I understand it all much better.  And then I discovered a free on-line course written by a captain pilot to help recover from this condition.  So, I am doing that now.

I have also gotten the necessary natural therapies to assist – nerve tissue salts, and a bach flower remedy.  And on the day, I will also have a rescue remedy spray.

I like that I am discovering more about it all.  I think it will help.

I really wanted to take this opportunity.  Once I am pregnant, I won’t want to fly because of the stress it creates in me.  I don’t want to pass that on to bubby.  So, now that I know I am not pregnant for at least another two weeks, and this opportunity is here, we are taking it and going to have a weekend rendezvous in another city!

I’m feeling a real sense of pointlessness in my life right now.  I am so ready to be a Mum.  It’s been nearly a year now and still no bubby.  And I just don’t know what I am doing in my life.  Nothing seems to have any meaning at all.  Not my work, not my activities, not my family.  It all seems really pointless.

I know this will pass.  I will find again a sense of serenity and peacefulness in the moment.  In just being.  But it’s not here right now.  I miss D.  I haven’t been able to have my “it’s okay, honey, we’ll try again this month” hug.  I had to tell him over the phone that I got my period.  But, as a result, I am having a weekend in Melbourne and that will be good!

Shifting thoughts

I’ve been finding myself in a very different place the last few weeks with my thoughts directed towards desires and dreams other than conception.  Our engagement has made me want other things in my life – most notably to be physically happy with myself for our engagement party and in a wedding dress.  I want to be able to look back at photos and be happy with the person I see in them.  Right now, I wouldn’t be able to do that.  And I know it will take more than a month or three or five of consistent effort in order to achieve that goal.

I am grateful that this has motivated me to begin to lose some weight and to follow some of the fertility eating I have learnt about, but I worry that, as an over 40 mum to be, I simply don’t have time to lose the focus towards having a baby.  Yet, it could also be that very shift away from the journey, along with fertility eating, that helps us to become pregnant!

I don’t know.  I guess I just need to keep living my life and take each day as it comes.  Just being together is the important thing.  As well as doing what is right for us.

What is right for us is to be happy together and to not feel any pressing time-line on our lives.  There are people wanting us to throw an engagement party right away, there are people shocked that we aren’t setting a date and putting wedding plans into full swing.  There is the over 40 body clock saying I don’t have any time to wait to have a baby.  There is my strong need to look better for photos and a wedding dress and to feel happy with myself.

There are the what if’s.  What if I get pregnant soon?  What will happen to the wedding, my goals to look better, the honeymoon?!  What if I don’t get pregnant soon?  Will I get too old?  Will we not ever have children?  What if I can’t lose weight?  How will that affect things?

What if?  What if?  What if?  

I have moments of living in the moment and not worrying, of being content with the way things are, with doing things the way we want to and when we are ready to, of simply taking one step at a time toward my own personal goal.  But I have equal moments with all these thoughts pounding around in my head.

Today, because I am home sick, and not eating particularly well as a result,  I am in a darker place than I wish to be.  I just want to cocoon myself with some food and a movie and wallow in this illness.

I know I will shift out of this place when the momentum of a week of good food, exercise and a smaller waist, will help me feel like I am moving forward towards my goals.  And I know that getting pregnant isn’t going to stop me continuing to move towards a healthier me.  And I know that becoming healthier could mean a more fertile me.  And I know that it doesn’t matter how long we take to do the engagement party and wedding thing.  But I just SO need to look better for that, not for D although that would be nice, but for me, for my own happiness and joy in the celebration.  Oh, it’s all just twisting round and round in my head!  LET IT GO!

LET IT GO!

In my rational mind, I know that the only thing I can do is to stay focused on eating well, exercising, remaining stress-free, and living in the joy of being so happy with D.  Everything else will simply take it’s course.

Thoughts, support, friendship and advice are all welcome!  :):)

Connecting over 40 mums and mums to be

Today is a good day for feeling stress-free and accepting of life’s plan! 

I like it when a good wave comes along and you just feel fine.  Sure, I have a silly cold and am feeling physically a bit blah, but who cares!  Today, I feel content in the moment.

I came across a great site today.  Flower Power Mom!!

Flower Power Mom is an online blog and resource offering support, tips, articles, information and an e-newsletter  for women having children after 40.

I joined her site and not much time later, I received a lovely email from Angel thanking me for visiting and offering support, advice and lots of information on this subject of over 40 mums and mums to be.  She also asked if she could list my blog in her soon to be up and running list of links as well as her newsletter this month.  How exciting!

 

I’m excited by the thought of being able to connect with, and support, other woman who are making this journey of becoming pregnant over 40.  I hope it is something that will become much more promoted and accepted in our society. 



I haven’t come across anyone as yet, who has expressed judgement about over 40 pregnancy.  Thank goodness!  However, I am also not personally ‘out’ on the subject, nor pregnant yet!  Surprisingly then, the subject often comes up, and thankfully with no criticism.  Instead, I am often asked if D and I are wanting to have children.  To which I politely say, ‘well you never know’!!

The only experience I had recently was not at all directed to me but instead was a conversation by a group of in their 20’s mothers who I was with for a friends birthday.  Their conversation was filled about their children, comparing notes about their development and experiences.  At one point, they were talking about a sister who got pregnant some time after her previous children – at 37!!!!  Oh my goodness, she was 37 they stated in shock and horror!  Inwardly, I just laughed!

On the reverse side of that day, was a woman who was 44, met her partner late in life and was quite happy openly talking about how they had just started trying to have a child.  Talk about opposites!  It was lovely to meet her and ask her about her journey even if I wasn’t able to talk about my own! 

So, thanks Angel (Flower Power Mom) for your site and all the work and research that you have done for mums and mums to be over 40.  I am looking forward to being part of your community!

5%

Something different has been occurring the last couple of days.  Normally when I get sad, I tend to lean towards certain types of food.  But the couple of days, that hasn’t happened.  The opposite has been occurring instead.  I have found myself leaning toward healthy food, vegetables mostly.  I am finding a simplicity and peacefulness.

I wonder how much of it is related to my new book You Can Get Pregnant Over 40, Naturally by Sandy Robertson.  I like her chapters on fertility food.  I have loved her meditation CD.  I truly believe these are helping shift my focus.

And this morning, I have read some encouraging articles about conception and weight.  Both articles have said that losing just 5% of ones body weight, highly increases ones fertility.  That just seems so do-able.  5%.  Sigh of relief.  It’s not saying what BMI you need to be, it’s not saying you need to lose 20 kilos, it’s just saying 5%.  That feels like no pressure, no expectations, no great demands, no insistence, no stress.

• So, I find myself not being stressed by this issue anymore.
• I find myself eager to continue listening to the meditation CD and act upon the advice in Sandy’s book.
• I find myself feeling calm and peaceful within this sadness that is slowly passing through my system.
• I am finding myself turning towards healthier options and being satisfied very quickly.
• I am finding myself at peace with feeling healthier in my body.  The thought of weight loss has often brought about scary feelings within me.  But not today.  Today there is just a sigh of release and a welcoming of the new feelings and sensations.

Kiara, my kitty, is sprawled out on the desk as close to my computer (and me!) as she can be.  Cats are just so cute.  She looks up at me lovingly, so relaxed and contented.  She just oozes peace and contentment and stillness.  She is such a delight!


She stretches out with her paw and rests it on my arm.  Her purrs are loud and soothing.  Her eyes are half shut, relaxed and sleepy.  She nuzzles in and drifts off into cat dreamland.

She is simply adding to this wonderful feeling that is slowly being generated within me.  God bless her!

A new book.

Many months ago when I first began researching the net for pregnancy over 40, I came across Sandy Robertson’s websites and blogs and her book You Can Get Pregnant Over 40, Naturally.
   



I wanted to buy the book right then and there.  But I thought, no, we are just getting started and we are doing it with the support and guidance of our naturopath and acupuncturist.  We will be pregnant in no time!

Now, we are in Cycle 8 and I am delighted to say, I have bought and downloaded her book.  Yea!
I am looking forward to reading what she has to say, the guidance and advice that she has to offer.  I am looking forward to finding peace in the process once more.  I am looking forward to following her advice on nutrition.
 
I ignore the chapter on weight because worrying about that is only problematic for my stress levels.   I already know all the medical stats as well as all the naturopathic healing, support and successful results.   The issue of weight in conception and pregnancy, and generally, is not as cut and dry as a couple of paragraphs.  Those who haven’t ever had to deal with it, will never really understand the issues involved.  There is so much more to it.  What is important is being healthy and fit and having all the right hormonal and vitamin balances in the body. 

Thus her chapter on nutrition is going to be invaluable to me.  Eat well and exercise, reduce stress. Eat more fruit and vegetables.  They are important factors in conception and having a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.  Food is the one area that I struggle with and need to manage more effectively.  I have so much trouble getting my spiritual and physical self connected.  With any luck, Sandy will be able to assist me with this.

She also has a meditation CD that I can download.  I think this will also be very helpful for me.

All these things, I hope, will bring about a more peaceful me and a physical me that is more receptive to conception.  A healthier me, a more connected me, a more relaxed me, a pregnant me!!

Day 3, Cycle 8

New Years Eve was fantastic!!  How was your night??  I hope you all enjoyed seeing the New Year and new decade in your most favourite of ways!

About an hour before we left for our property, my period began.

There were some tears and working through the sadness during the two hour drive to our property.

But once we were there, we had a wonderful time!!  I was grateful for and greatly enjoyed being able to have a few drinks and cracked open my favourite bottle of red wine – Wolf Blass Grey Label Shiraz.  I could have stayed up all night, but by 3am we headed to bed and slept for just a few hours.  I guess that’s the problem being an early riser – you go to bed late and still wake up early!!  But I woke up refreshed this morning after a wonderful nights sleep.

I need to move back into a place of feeling positive about conceiving and simply going with the flow of life once more.  At the moment, I am feeling a little sad and dejected about it.  This is the first time I have truly felt this way at the beginning of a new cycle. 

After the GYN told me she believed I was ovulating and that all the tests for both of us were good, I began to feel more hopeful about our chances.

Now I need to go back to the stress-free, relaxed, let things come as they do, approach to life and conception that always works well.  I think it might be a little harder to find now, but just writing this is helping it to come back just a little!

The last day of the year…

I can feel it in my bones – 2010 is going to be a GOOD year!!

I don’t know what it is, but as the year is drawing to a close, I am feeling better and better about the next year.  Positive, excited, hopeful, eager, at peace. 

Is anyone else feeling similar emotions and thoughts about 2010?

We are spending tonight’s celebration at our property in the country.  400 acres of wilderness!  I’m so excited about it!  It is a REALLY hot day here today and the property is terrible in the heat, so we are going up late afternoon in order to get there around sunset.  I have sparklers, glow in the dark necklaces and frisbees and all sorts of other things!  Out there in the pitch black they are going to look great!

One great exciting thing to start the year off is that our new Canon SLR camera arrived today!!  We are SO excited!  I am so looking forward to being able to take really good photos and displaying them on here as well as around our home etc.! 

Today is Day 31 of my cycle and we are waiting to see if there will be a Day 1.  [My last cycle was 31 days and the two before were 32.]  Which means we are also waiting to see whether I will be drinking alcohol tonight for New Year or still being alcohol free.  My preference of course is that I’m pregnant!  Of course!!

However, if my period comes tomorrow or the day after and I’ve missed out on New Years drinks then that will be disappointing as well!!  :) :)

For some reason, I haven’t wanted to do a pregnancy test.  We have family visiting and we still aren’t telling anyone about our pregnancy efforts.  So, it is a little awkward.  And I think a big part of me wants to be able to run around the house and yell out my excitement when the result is positive!!  But, the family are leaving on Tuesday, so if there is no change by then, then we will do a test!  And hopefully run around in excitement!! 

In the meantime, I am feeling good about myself and us and our lives.  I am happy in the moment and content with the day.

I like that this is the predominant feeling I have, even though there are some other things going on that I am not happy about.  Within the challenges, there is a centre to my being.  A growing connection to my spirituality that has been dormant for a little while.  And I believe that it is my other blog – Creating Peaceful Thoughts – that is re-awakening this connection with my Spirit and very importantly, allowing me to feel more peaceful and stress-free in order to conceive and grow our child!

So, a peaceful waiting is in order for the next few days.  And whether tonight is alcohol free or not, I’m going to have a great time!!

Happy New Year, Everyone!!!

Chilling out!

Peace and Quiet. 
Time for myself.
So many good things.

It’s 7 pm.
It’s still daylight!
I have one more day of teaching before I start summer holidays.
The mouse has left the house!  We can now get a good nights sleep!
D is at kickboxing and the house is so so so quiet.
The sound of birds chirping as the day winds to a close is beautiful.
There is a beautiful breeze floating around the house.
I’ve had dinner.
D’s dinner is ready for him when he comes home.
I am enjoying the one perk of getting my period and not being pregnant – a really nice glass of red wine! 
Ah, bliss.

It’s amazing how not drinking enhances the effects of alcohol when you do indulge!  Half a glass of wine and I am going wooooooo!!!  haha!
I feel so relaxed.  It’s heaven.
I’m looking forward to having one more glass to share with D when he returns.  We don’t get to drink together very often anymore.  And it was one of the things the we bonded with when we first met – our love of wine.
So while it is disappointing to be starting a new cycle, we get to share that love for one little night (maybe two nights!  :)  )

 

Exercise restrictions

One of the things that I LOVE to do is re-arranging and re-decorating our home. Ever since I was big enough to move things around, I have done this - starting with my childhood bedroom!

When D moved in, we combined two households of furniture into one. Despite culling and storing, as you can imagine, the house became VERY full!

So, my love of re-arranging has been restrained. Furniture is bigger and heavier, there is less space and the possibilities are very limited. However, finally this week, after several weeks of it building, I finally came up with a plan. The place looks great! It's more open and fresher. Cleaner and tidier.

But there was a hiccup! I believe I have torn the ligaments in my right knee. The difficulties arising from this and attempting to become pregnant are not good. It could take months to get into surgery to have it fixed and if I am then pregnant, it won't be possible. Which means going through my pregnancy with a bung knee.



And then of course, exercise is problematic which is a problem for my fitness level in coping with the pregnancy. I haven't really got into a good and regular routine and am desperate to do so. But my usual exercise - Walking and Curves - are not possible right now. However, water exercise could solve the problem. But I don't like going to the public pool! Guess I will just have to suck it up!

The funny thing is though, that I am not irritated or angry or upset at having done this to my knee. Aside from the above concerns, there are no negative emotions AT ALL. I find myself going with the flow and accepting of it all.

It seems a strange reaction, yet there is absolutely no other feelings but these. I am not upset about it. And while I really want to get my fitness back to its normal level, I find myself not worried at all about not being able to go to Curves.

I feel a sense of relief. A sense of destiny.

Now I can slowly, in my own pace, with no pressure of 3x a week getting to the gym, get back into my love of walking. I mean, I love Curves and want to continue with it later down the track, but for some reason, I feel as though I have let go of a burden.

And then I came across this article from the Infertility-Fertility blog on stress and exercise. Here is a quote...

We saw that if you are stressed when you start exercise, your body reacts differently than if you are not chronically stressed and exercise. Not only does it appear that exercise was more stressful for already stressed women, but certainly exercise did not help them lower their stress hormones, which is of course one reason people take up exercising.

I do have a tendency to be stressed without even knowing it. When I think about it though, I know I am placing a lot of pressure on myself to be fit and healthy for bubby. And I am not being very successful, which is definitely causing me stress. Stress that is based on a life-time of stress over the same issues.

This article confirms for me that something is not right. I need to reassess. I need to do one of the most important things for me in this process - find the stress free me.

My knee injury is my sign. It is telling me to stop, to chill out. I am not upset by my knee for a reason. It is time I took a back step and relaxed with my life. I am allowed to let go of the pressure of immediate health and fitness. I am grateful for being forced to stop, for being given a reason to stop. I have been given permission to gradually find my love of walking and living a life of exercise once more.

A quick catch up.

Gosh, I am so far behind in documenting this journey. Life has simply run away from me and the opportunity to sit down and blog hasn't presented itself! In fact, I should be working now!!

So, I thought I would do a quick catch up on whats been going on. (I apologise in advance for not being able to document where I got these photos from. I think it was from a local photographer who put her pictures up on Facebook. I will look into it and make the necessary acknowledgments)

One

According to the Maybe Baby, I still haven't ovulated this month. Two months in a row now. That is a concern, but it is early days still. Acupunturist L is sticking needles into all the right spots and also told me how the ovaries take turns in releasing the eggs, but not always alternate turns. One ovary could release for a few months in a row. So, it could be possible that one ovary isn't working as well as the other. And two months isn't enough to really tell.

The good thing is that I haven't felt like I have ovulated either and I always seem to know. So, it is a temporary glitch. The month before we started tracking, I know for sure that I did, so there is hope!! In the meantime, I keep going to get stuck with needles every week!

Two

After getting the results of the saliva testing a couple of weeks ago, Queen Naturo gave me a new herb mix to boost my baby making ability. (I will go into this in more detail in another post). However, I had a reaction to the new herbs and experienced my first ever migraine. What fun - not! So, now we need to play around with the mix and found out what is causing the problem.

We are both eager for me to take the necessary herbs, but it might take some time to sort it all out.

Three

I am doing everything right, except for the one area in my life that I have always struggled with. Eating well. It really is a struggle for me. I was hoping that the desire to have children would really help, but the old annoying voice in my head still manages to win the battle and overcome my healthy eating desires.

I am trying to not to get stressed about it. That will only make things worse, of course. I know how important it is to cut out the sugars and high GI food. All I can do is keep trying.

In the meantime, I still exercise regularly, take the right supplements, no alcohol, no deli meats, no soft cheese etc etc, all in preparation.

Four

I get the results of the blood tests from the doctor on Friday. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time.

Well, thats it for today. I really should get back to work!!

I'm looking forward to catching up on everyone elses blogs soon!

Love and light

A

Acupuncture and conception

I had my first acunpuncture appointment last week. Not my first ever, my first one to help us conceive. L is an amazing acupuncturist etc and always helps heal whatever symptoms we have.

He has worked with many women over 40 to help them become pregnant and has had success in all cases. He and S (Naturo Queen!) have a 100% success rate. He has had women come to him after up to 7 unsuccessful IVF sessions and within a few cycles, conception has been achieved after receiving acupuncture. Awesome!

He has suggested that D come and see him as well as he can help with both sides of the fertility angle and ensure that everything is working optimally.

I will be seeing him once a week for this cycle and then we will see where things are. With any luck that's all that we will need! :)

He needled me for a few things. One was to completely clean out my womb, so a whole new fresh lining can begin to form. As a result, my current period is now 7 days long! It's been very light these last couple of days though and I'm grateful knowing that the old is being completely released and cleansed ready for the new! It's amazing to see the affects of just one treatment.

He also did a point to help the egg travelling properly down the fallopian tube, a point to keep me happy and stress free, a point to help me eat well and I think another to assist a generally healthy reproductive cycle.

It's encouraging to be feeling the affects of it already and I am looking forward to my next treatment in 2 days time.

Clutter clearing to reduce stress

One of my continuing goals is to reduce stress in my life and create a calm and happy environment within me with which to create, grow and raise our child. To that end, I've set about clutter clearing.

Goal 1 - the kitchen cupboards.

I haven't taken photos of these but they are so much better now. The pots and pans cupboard, the baking utensils cupboard (there is one now instead of things being scattered over several cupboards!)... There are three cupboards now in much better shape.

I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be able to shut the door properly on the pots and pans cupboard! Wonderful! It is also much easier to access things and to KEEP it tidy! Woohoo!! Some more sanity!

Goal 2 - the linen press.

This is the biggie! Last time I did this was before D moved in. And of course, he came with all his linen and while there was some sorting and throwing out etc at the time, it had gotten chaotic.

Because I've been sick, it has taken me three days to do this. A little bit here, exhaustion, a little bit there, exhaustion! You get the idea. But I have persisted as I could and it is now done.

Here are the before photos.

What a mess it was!

And here are the after photos!

If you look closely, you can even see that I got the labeler out and labelled what was on each shelf. I remember the last time I did the linen cupboard, thinking that is was going overboard doing that. But not this time, no, this time it stays organised! :)

Ah, on my way to a calmer mind and body. And a happier baby to be!

I don't feel that way yet. But I know that I am on the way. And when I fully recover and get back into life, particularly into exercising, then it will begin to emerge more fully.

Goal 3 - the spare room

Oh dear...

...to be cont.

...

Life is falling into place! My career.

I came across a great site yesterday "In Season Mom". I love the title referring to over 40 mums and I loved the content. I highly recommend going to visit her site and blog.

I am definitely an "In Season to be Mum"!! Life is falling in place around me to allow this to happen. The syncronicity of things is amazing!

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The biggest one is work.

I have been quite stressed by work over the last few years. It went in bursts of course, but my overall longing has been to be able to work less and be a Mum. I enjoy my work, but I haven't enjoyed SO much of it. I have known for many years that if I could just cut down on the amount, my true love of it would come back and I would perform in my job so much better. I could fully commit to the work that I had rather than having to spread myself thin.

And right from when I began working in my career, I've had the knowledge that it is perfect for motherhood. I can cut down on numbers and days as I wish, take time off for maternity leave (no pay!) and be able to return a year later with no problems. So, as I started heading into my late 30's, the desire for this change became stronger and stronger. And also the years doing the same thing started becoming stressful in itself. Yet, as a single woman living alone, there was nothing I could do about it.

But I never wanted to do anything else. I looked at it from to time to time. But mostly a change of career meant more study. After two degrees and a diploma, I didn't want to do that anymore!! And I'm good at my job!

When I met D, life changed wonderfully and quickly. We soon moved in together and, after experiencing many Mr. and Miss Wrongs, we both knew with absolute certainty how right we were for each other.

The happiness in my life increased with D. I felt so blessed. Yet the stress of my job started to increase also! The thought of my dreams coming true started to become a reality! I was enjoying life more which made working much more pleasureable as well, yet the dream was around the corner waiting for its moment in time.

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And here is where the amazing thing comes into play. Just as we started trying to have a baby and became very conscious about the need to create a stress free and healthy me, things have changed in my work timetable. Without me even doing anything!!!

Numbers always drop halfway through the year, but this year they have dropped in such a way that my timetable is wonderfully stress free! I have two full days, two half days and two hours on a Friday morning. And it has just happened that way! Of course, if this had happened when I was still single, I would probably be selling my house by now. But it didn't, it has happened now, and that says a lot!

• This means that I am able to get to the gym in the mornings without the stress of rushing off to work.
• I can come home at the end of the day and take the dog for a walk, without the stress of preparing for the next day.
  
• The exercise routine is back!!
  
• Less stress and the wonderful purpose of wanting a healthy body for my child to grow and nourish as helped me get back into good eating patterns.
  
• Health routine is back!!
  
• And D is in my life creating and sharing it all together. aahhh...

And I am relaxing. I can feel the stress slipping away from my body.
I am enjoying my work again. I am giving more to each individual person that comes in. And I am loving that!

I am so amazed at how this has happened. If there was any doubt in my mind about becoming pregnant over 40, it is all gone. This is meant to be. I am not expecting a perfect run, that would be unrealistic. But life is giving me this chance!! And I am embracing it!

I am happy in a way that I never have been before. I can't explain it really. There is joy. And I keep feeling it all through the day. It's a constant surprising thought. I am happy, wow, I am truly happy.