Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Briefly pregnant after wedding

As an adjunct to my post on our disrupted IVF round three, is a interesting little story!

We have some friends who were married a couple of years and are having some trouble trying to conceive as well.  Different circumstances as they are both young, but having trouble is still having trouble.

Anyway, R said to Dave one day, "there will be no pregnancy for you until there is a ring on your finger!"  He was joking mostly, but it was an interesting thing to say.  Sure enough, two weeks after our wedding, we got the phone call about the pregnancy.  Lets just ignore the fact the nurse also said that it wasn't looking good and she was right.

When we think back, we wonder if we conceived on our wedding night.  What a great story that would have been!  Three and a half years of trying and it took us to get married before got pregnant!

Even though it wasn't to be, I like to think that maybe there is some truth to R's half joking comment.  That now that we are married, will be the time for success!!!

Love and Light!

What will I do?

I was browsing through In Season Mom Cynthias blog this morning, reading some of her excellent articles and interviews, when I decided to look through her links to see what other over 40 mum blogs she had listed.  And there it was...  My name... New Mum Over 40.

I made that my name as a way of bringing into our lives our little one.  When we leave for our honeymoon on Dec 10, I will turn 44.  Seems I should change my name.  I'm no new mum, and I'm soon to be over 44.  The positive thinking is now nearly 4 years old with no results.

I still believe we will have a child.  For me, there is no alternative that I could possibly live with.  But, the further in we go, the more doubts creep in.  Every IVF round has progressively had more complications.  Admittedly, the last one was a result of a late diagnosis of a natural pregnancy that was failing.  But that meant no round at all and more delay and more aging of my eggs. Yet still, I have my fingers crossed for January.  I can't let go of the dream and the belief that it will work.

If we haven't succeeded before we get to the point of not being able to go on with the treatment, which will be next year, I don't know how I will cope.  Being a Mum is the only dream I have in my life.  I have achieved all the other things I've wanted to do.  I've had a good career, finished two degrees, I've travelled extensively, lived overseas and had the time and energy to do a lot of inner work and self development.  But I'm ready to let go of my career now.  The only thing I want in this whole world is to love and cherish and raise our child.  It's what I'm meant to do.

What will I do if that doesn't happen?

Dave and I only last weekend ended up having a conversation around that.  We were at the supermarkets and passed a screaming child.  "Something to look forward to", I said.  And he rolled his eyes and said "I know!"

And suddenly we were having a conversation of how it wouldn't be so bad.  We could go away whenever we wanted, travel the world for my 50th birthday etc etc.  Yes, we had both though of that.  Yet, as nice as that all sounds, it doesn't compare with having our own family.

What will we do if it doesn't happen?

Monday, November 12, 2012

We're married!!

Amongst all the IVF things, Dave and I have been planning our wedding!!!  And on October 20, 2012, we finally did it! 

It was such an absolutely wonderful day!   Everything went so well, the day ran smoothly and we had a blast from start to finish!!

It is so exciting to be married to my wonderful man.  We both thought that things wouldn't be any different once we had tied the night.  But we were wrong.  We both felt it in the first week.  Things are better.  Something has shifted in our relationship and we like it so much better.  We can't pinpoint what it is, but we like it!

Perhaps it is because our relationship is now blessed, perhaps it is because it is now legal and official, perhaps it is the public affirmation of how much we love each other and how we will support each other, perhaps it is the public support of all our friends, perhaps it is the personal acknowledgment between us that we are forever.  Who knows!  
All I know is that I love it!!!!!!

We don't have our professional photographs yet, but I thought I would put up a few photos from our friends to give you an idea of our day.  Enjoy!

During the ceremony

My girls helping me

A pre ceremony moment

Me and my girls!

Post Ceremony happiness

The Ceremony Gazebo

Our Lookalike Clay Toppers

IVF round two

Round Two was a long time ago now.  Back in August I think.  Once again there were complications.

After my first scan to check the progress of the follicular growth, it was discovered that I had a polyp on my uterine wall.  The clinic sent me off for a 3D scan to get a good look at it.

The waiting room for the 3D scan was filled with pregnant women with their young children running around their feet.  They were there to get a look at their new growing child.  I was there from complications with just trying to get one.  But the scan staff were fantastic, kind and caring and the experience went off without a hitch.

The polyp was confirmed and that meant that during my harvest surgery, they would remove it.  It also meant that any embryos would need to be frozen because they wouldn't be able to be put transfer them after the surgery to remove the polyp. 

The surgery turned out to be a little more complicated, because the polyp was embedded in the uterine wall.  Rather than tying it off and removing it, they had to cut into the wall and dig it out.  Yuck!!! 
And also my ovaries had decided to hide away and they had to push and prod them into place to get out the follicles.  Unfortunately, they weren't able to get them all.

We only got 6 eggs that round.  I think five of them fertilised, but only one grew to a size that was valid.  However, that one was a much better quality than the one we got last time.  So, it was frozen and is waiting for us to implant.

Our Round Three was going to just be a harvest.  We were going to freeze any embryos we got rather than implanting straight away.  The reasons were multiple. 
One, there is quite an argument now about whether it is better to freeze and implant into a natural cycle or put the fresh embryos into a stimulated cycle.  Many clinics are now exclusively doing the freeze and implant later. 
Second, I was really keen to do a harvest and freeze before we left for our honeymoon.  Every month that passes, is a month more aging of my eggs.  I so wanted to get some more and not let two more months pass.  So, that is another thing so dissappointing about our round three.  We weren't able to get any embryos.

My OB is on the fence with regards to natural versus frozen transfer.  However, with the other circumstances going on for us right now that would cause emotional stress which is not good for the success of a round, she agreed that it was best to freeze and implant in January.  With that not happening due to the complications of round three, we will probably do a full round including fresh transfer in January, rather than freeze.

Now, I am concerned about the timing of round 4.  It all depends on when my next period occurs.  They have predicted 10 - 14 days after the trigger injection.  Which means I could start my period after that during the Christmas/New Year week when they are closed.  That would just suck.  So when I go for my blood tests on Friday, I will talk them about all of that.  We still have the drugs, so it is possible we will be able to start ourselves for the first few days and see them straight away in the the New Year.  Or maybe we will just conceive naturally on our honeymoon cruise to New Zealand!!!  Now that would be awesome!!  And the timing could be right!

January will be a great month for me to do a round.  It will be the summer holidays, I will be totally relaxed and refreshed from our cruise and I will be stress free with no work until February.  Keep your fingers crossed that it all works out.

IVF round 3

The roller coaster ride has continued throughout our ivf rounds two and three.

This last round (round three) began with us saying to ourselves, that after round two, that we were due are nice and straight forward round.  Instead, what happened was we started the drugs, then found out I was pregnant, stopped the drugs, tried the support the pregnancy which was unsuccessful, then found out that my follicles were still growing, had to trigger them to release so I wouldn't develop any cysts on the ovaries, but weren't able to harvest them because my hormones were all mixed up with pregnancy hormones and progesterone hormones from trying to sustain pregnancy and excess eostrogen from starting the round and then we had to abstain from intimacy as there was a chance of multiple pregnancy from the follicles that were released.

In a nutshell.

How did it happen that we even started the cycle?   Well, I had a bleed.  It was unusual, but I still thought that it was a period.  My OB was away, she gave a phone approval for us to start and then we saw her a few days later when she returned.  After we started and I saw how my "period" continued, I was unsure about whether I had started taking the drugs on the right day.  I asked her about this and she questioned me on my "period" symptoms, she straight away sent me for a blood test.  She suspected it may have been a pregnancy - and my bleed was either a heavy implantation bleed, or maybe a pregnancy really not getting off the ground and my body was all confused.

She assured me I didn't need to worry about the injections I had taken so far.  If anything, they would have helped the pregnancy.  But she definitely didn't want me starting the second lot of drugs which I was due to start the next day.

I am SO glad I talked to her about what I thought was my period.  Otherwise we would have gone through the whole round oblivious to the pregnancy, spent thousands of dollars and gotten to theater possibly with no result or nothing viable.  The whole thing was totally screwed up.

Since then, I have had to go through multiple ovulation symptoms, my body preparing for a pregnancy and not succeeding, the emotions of the hormones as well as the emotions naturally caused by the circumstances.  The physical symptoms have been huge - all the way to completely erect, hard and painful nipples.  Boy, the things we have to go through.

The one thing I really don't understand is the Catch 22 of the follicles.  The clinic is doing the right thing and being cautious on both sides, but it is confusing and frustrating.  One one hand, the OB won't go to theatre and harvest because of the pregnancy hormones that will be putting everything off.  On the other hand, the follicles are still growing, need to be triggered to release and we have to abstain from intimacy because of the chance of multiple pregnancy.

I feel like there a half a dozen of my eggs just going to waste.  And that is so upsetting.
On the other hand, the last thing I want to do is be initimate.  My uterus and ovaries hurt too much to do anything.  I just couldn't deal with it!

So round three was a big flop.  So much for being due and nice and easy round.

The good thing is that we were given a full refund and will try again in January when we get back from our honeymoon.  And as for the honeymoon, we get to sit around the pool with alcoholic drinks rather than mocktails!  While I would rather be pregnant, I am looking forward to that!!!  :)