Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Back once more.

[I’ve put this post on both my blogs, with just a different last paragraph for each!]

An email from Flower Power Mom, sent me to my blog again today after two months of quiet.  And of course, the timing is interesting.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my hobbies and interests and how I am missing them.  I know this is related a lot to my journey through Marianne Williamson’s book “A Course in Weight Loss”.  There has been a small but noticeable shift away from addictive routines and rituals and this has left me with a bit more time to think about the things I love doing in my life.

Lately, life has just been about surviving.  Getting through the day and then having the necessary time that I have needed lately just to do nothing, to have down time, to eat.  But the last few days I have been feeling unfulfilled and, lets face it, plain boring, by not indulging in all the things I love – bushwalking, photography and blogging – to name the main ones. 

And, aside from my addictive routines, I’ve been wondering how much of this is related to being in a relationship compared to being single.  I seemed to have much more time and headspace to indulge in my interests when I was single.  Not that I would ever want to go back there, not at all.  D is the best thing in my life and I never want to lose what we have together.  I just need to also find the headspace for the other things in my life that make me who I am, as well as having the time that I love for our relationship.

The funny thing is that, aside from blogging, my other two interests are also D’s interests.  Two of the first things that drew us together!  So, why aren’t we continuing to indulge in these loves together?

I know a lot of it, for both of us, is time and the demands of work, particularly for D.  And for me, it is also the desire to simply be with him.  For example, I no longer go walking early in the morning, because I love cuddling up in bed for a while and then eating breakfast together before D rushes off early in the morning for work.  And by then, I need to be getting ready and heading off as well.  And for the last few months, my own addictive problems have prevented me from being able to exercise after work.

A couple of times over the last week, we have gone out for a walk together early in the morning, but it is tough to do that.  We have to wake up extra early.  So, want I need, is to find that place within me again that motivates me to go to the gym on my way home.  Somewhere in me is the old energy that wants to get out and go places and do things – that wants to blog and connect with others over the net – that wants to take beautiful photographs.

At least I am blogging today!

On the plus side, D and I have filled our weekends the last few weeks with renovating our home.  We are painting, building walls, sanding, planning, shopping, looking at home ideas shops and magazines.  It is so very rewarding.  We have redesigned the layout of our home and are getting a new and bigger kitchen.  We are also getting some new furniture and completely new flooring (carpets and wood floors) throughout the whole house.  We have been planning it all for over a year and it is wonderful now to be putting it into action.

Obviously this takes away from some of the time I would usually use for walking and photography, but the renovating has only been the last few weeks, and doesn’t count for the last year or so!

So, here I am, developing new rituals and routines that no longer revolve around eating and I am deeply feeling the things that are missing in my life.  I do feel a sense that they are on their way to returning and I am looking forward to that.

Perhaps that means blogging more regularly.  Hopefully it also means walking through the sand dunes, the nearby conservation park, and the “millions” of stairs that go up and down the coastline.  And taking my camera for it all!

On the fertility side – we have made an appointment with our self-appointed GYN for May (which was the earliest appointment we can get).  I feel a sense of commitment towards that process beginning to grow in me again.  And I think a blog on that particularly issue will be forthcoming!