14 weeks pregnant

Last week was great!  I felt so much better.  I did a good weeks work and starting exercising again.  It was great to get the all clear to be able to do so!

This week, the nausea and tiredness have come back and I'm flattened again.  I guess that is the name of the game when you have your first baby at 47 years of age.  I"m going with the theory that bubbie is having a big growth spurt!  :)

I am grateful for a good doctors appointment yesterday and emotionally, I feel better for it.  My doctor had been away for a few weeks, so I was really happy to connect with her for the first time with this pregnancy.  She was so excited!!

She did a doppler scan and we were both excited to have found bubbies heartbeat.  It was a relief and a thrill all at the same time.  So, after a week of feeling quite anxious and nervous, I am finally starting to relax into the pregnancy a little bit.  I am really looking to when he/she is kicking around inside me and I get constant reassurances!

We got the results of our 12 week scan last week and everything looks great.  Our risk factor for Downs etc is very low and all test and images show a healthy baby and pregnancy.  Another sigh of relief!

Today, I have to not feel guilty about work and just take care of myself.  Bubbie and my health is the most important thing.  I am so grateful to be able to work from home and be able to take the time when I need it.  And I have an understanding brother for a boss!  Blessings.

I thought I would post a little video of bubbie doing jumps inside my womb during our 12 week scan.  The file didn't come over very well, so hubbie put the one good jump we got on video into a loop.  Jump and slide back down, jump and sliiiide back down!

Scan update

We're back from our scan and all is looking good!  Thank goodness.  The baby is measuring a little small - the dating being about 6 days out.  But the OB is not worried and bubby has continued to grow since Monday's scan. 

It is all just amazing, but the MOST amazing thing was we were watching the incredible heartbeat - all 4 chambers clearly visible - and all of a sudden bubby starts kicking his/her legs and waving his/her arms, moving around so much!!!  It was incredible.  Dave and I both let out an "OH my god!!!!" and started laughing!

I don't think I've ever seen anything so wonderful!  And being able to see so much activity from our child was so reassuring.  Bubby is alive and active!

Now I have the headspace and heartspace to find my 'Trust' again. It's been so hard the last few days.  OB Chris has booked me in Monday week for another informal scan purely for my reassurance.  He is just fantastic!

When we left our appointment on Monday, I heard him ask the receptionist if Louise was in and I wondered if that was our fertility OB.  Was he going to consult with her??  And today, when he offered the extra scan, he said "after all you've been through, I'm happy to give you the reassurance".  I'm wondering if he has spoken to her about us and she filled him in on some of the hardships we have faced.

On the way home, Dave also told me that when I went to toilet on Monday during the appointment, he spoke to Chris alone and said that I do have anxiety problems and he wanted to make sure I was monitored consistently so I wasn't worrying.  Possibly part of the reason he offered the extra scan.  I love my husband!!  He is taking care of me so amazingly well.  And so will OB Chris.  Just one of the nicest, sincere men.  I am grateful.

Love and Light
xxx

I AM...

I am pregnant
I AM pregnant
I am PREGNANT!!


Today I went to see my kinesiologist.  What an amazing woman she is.  I told her that I was pregnant but I didn't like the place that I was in.  I was worried and stressed and tired and I knew that it wasn't good for me or the baby.

I walked out of that session feeling like a different person.  The excitement is back, the trust is back, the surety that we are succeeding is back.  The loving connection with our little one is back.  My grounding is back and my spiritual connection is back.  I feel happy!

I never mentioned the word "trust" to her, but it came up several times throughout the session.  What also came up, over and over, was my fear, anxiety and worry.  Fear of disappointment.  Fear that I will be disappointed again.

It turns out that the fear and worry were not just on a surface level but were emerging deep from my unconscious.  A lifetime of fear and worry was emerging and being reflected into worry for my baby.

Carolyn cleared all of that.  She reopened my connection to Spirit and aligned my energy once more.  I'm amazed at how much better I feel.  I feel much more secure in the process.  I feel greater Trust that things are working well.

She asked me if I could remember a time when I completely trusted in the process of my life, of the universe unfolding.  And I couldn't.  I don't remember ever feeling like that.  Now it's time that I did.  Anytime the fear emerges, I need to delete that file and replace it with the new one of Trust and acceptance.  Of living in the moment.  And in this moment right now, I AM PREGNANT!  I rejoice in that, I feel the joy, I feel the love for our tiny little bundle of cells that are still dividing and growing just like the nurse told me that they were.

After the trust question, Carolyn asked me if I could remember a time when I felt truly at peace and calm with my life.  And I do remember that.  Just one period in my life.  It was just before I met Dave.  A few months before, I had broken up from a destructive relationship and I was just beginning to get my life back again.  I don't know why, or how it happened, or how to recreate it, but for several months, my life was good.  I was constantly feeling the peacefulness of life, the simplicity of life.  I was always taking time to connect with Spirit and centre myself.  I was eating well, exercising daily, with no problems or addictive behaviours or thoughts. 

I've often wanted to go back to that time in my life.  Perhaps now is the time to recreate it.  Perhaps now I am ready.

Thank you Carolyn for helping me to move past the fear that I have been living with the last few weeks.  Thank you Spirit for leading me to Carolyn a few months ago.  I do credit her as a significant part of how we were able to finally conceive.

I asked her if she knew of any meditiation CD's that would be good for me to stay connected.  And she has given me some ideas.  So, I'm going to follow through on that and hopefully find the exact right one for me.

I Am Pregnant!!
:):):):):):)

Third blood test

We had our third blood test on Monday - at 5 weeks/Day 35 - and things are still looking good.  My HCG levels had risen to 1938 - up from 265 on Friday.   Working on the premise of them doubling every two days, I didn't expect them to be that high.  However, the nurse said that was where they would expect them to be and on looking up an on-line chart, it was confirmed.

HCG Levels in Single and Twin Pregnancy
Days from LMP*	HCG Range** for Singleton Pregnancy	HCG Range for Multiple Pregnancy
28	9.4-120	9.5-120
33	300-600	200-1,800
36	1,200-1,800	2,400-36,000
40	2,400-4,800	8,700-108,000
45	12,000-60,000	72,000-180,000
70	96,000-144,000	348,000-480,000

Going from this chart, it looks like we may only have one, not two bubbies growing.  But until confirmed, I am going to continue talking to two of them!

Our first scan has been cancelled now.  This clinic will just wait for the seven week scan (rather than doing a six week scan as well), which in my case, will be seven and a half weeks (fingers crossed!).  I am a little disappointed, but I understand.  They feel that there wouldn't be much to see any earlier than that and there certainly wouldn't be a heartbeat, so it wouldn't be to my advantage to scan earlier.

As long as I keep getting regularly checked with blood tests so I know things are going ok, then that will be alright.

It is up to me how often I get blood tested.  The OB says that at this stage, they will do whatever I need to feel comfortable and not stressed.  Isn't that amazing???  It's such a great clinic!  And our OB Louise is just awesome.  And while I am debating with myself about getting tested on Friday, I think Monday will be fine.  A week will give us a really good idea on what is happening and besides, it is stressful waiting for the results of tests as well!!

I am still nervous about it all.  I think it will be quite some time before that disappears.  Each test has helped me to feel better and I hope that each upcoming test will continue in the same way.

In the meantime, I keep remembering to TRUST.  It helps me so much to just let go and accept.  It brings a joy over the pregnancy and a feeling of letting go of all the worries that I have.  I just have to say it constantly, because I keep forgetting!

There are so many people out there, including us, praying for us and have their fingers crossed that our pregnacy continues to blossom.  It is wonderful to know how we are being supported by our friends and family and also by Spirit.

It worked!

I know its early days BUT......................

I'm pregnant!!!!!!!

It worked!

YEAAAAAAAAA!

Okay, now that the excitement is expressed....  the details!

I got tested a day early for two reasons - I had to call the clinic about another matter and earlier in the day I cheated and took a home pregnancy test which was positive!   The funny story is that the nurse guessed I had taken the test!  I asked her how long the pregnyl stays in your system because I wondered if maybe I was getting a false positive.  She answered my question and then said "You took a pregnancy test didn't you??!!"  LOL  :):)  When I told the nurse yes, she said, "Well, lets get you tested a day early!" 

My HCG levels were 99 - which is great.  My estrogen and progesterone levels are also good.  The nurse even started talking about my 6 week scan and my due date and, wow, I couldn't believe it!

The next step is another test in two days to see if the the pregnancy is developing as it should.  And then I will have another follow up next week.  The prayers will continue and the fingers will still be tightly crossed for the next week(s).

It worked! We made it to this the biggest step along the journey.  Yes, there are still more steps to go before we are safe.  None of my pregnancies have made it passed 6 weeks, but so far so fantastic!!

My other pregnancies were natural conceptions.  This one feels better because good embryos were selected, I'm being monitored and I'm on drugs to assist the pregnancy.

Part of me is scared to be excited.  Another part of is so relieved!  I'm pregnant.  All that I've gone through is, so far, paying fruition.  I think I will stick with the excited emotion for a while and run with it.  I'm going to talk to my baby/babies and keep encouraging them to grow.  I'm going to keep doing my golden white light meditations.

The journey isn't over but we've finally made it this far!

Thank you, thank you!

The next step toward parenthood

Friday saw us back to the fertility clinic for our OB appointment.  It was the first time we have ever seen a real hopefulness from her!  She has always been very supportive and encouraging and has always maintained our own sense of hope, but she was always conservative in her own beliefs for our success.  My age, history and her own experience of woman in their 40's was the reason for her conservativeness.

Now however, things have changed - both for her and us.  In the last two weeks, she has had success with another woman in my age bracket and she is so excited about it!  That, along with my last two natural pregnancies has given her much cause for hope and she is doing everything she can to try to reach another good outcome!  She is just as eager as we are to find that one, or two!, good embryos.

That gives us even more hope!

While my insulin tests are still in the normal range, they are on the high end.  Always on the cutting edge, our OB has been involved in new research that has shown that high insulin can be a factor in miscarriages.  So, I have been put on a low dosage medication to bring my insulin levels down.  The only problem is that I think I may be suspectible to the one side effect she mentioned - gastro.  Yesterday was my first day on the meds and last night showed an inkling of that side effect.  We will see how things go!!

Everything is in place now for our next ICSI round to begin when I start my next cycle.  Dave hit the road this morning for a two week work trip, so I will have to inject myself for a little while.  If I don't start for another week (which I am guessing will probably be the case), he will be back in plenty of time for his part in the process.  Otherwise he will cut his work trip short, which would be a real pain in the neck for him.  Fingers crossed the timing all works out for the best.

I am looking forward to starting again.  I really am hopeful and, no matter what happens during the round, I love being pro-active in our journey toward parenthood.  I love knowing that we are being treated and monitored toward pregnancy, taking out the random chance that we have lived with for so long.  Bring it on!!

Life has continued to be better for me.  I am still feeling much more energized and my enthusiasm for life is still growing back to its normal state!  I am grateful to be on the healing side of the last two miscarriages.

--------------------------

So, now for the wedding picture!  I loved this spot and found it through another bride who got married at our venue a few weeks before hand.  The wedding co-ordinator said it was roughly "over there somewhere!!", so a week before our wedding, I went to the national park next to the venue and hunted through until I found this location just a short 5 minute walk away from the gate.

A response!

Two posts in one day.  This one is in answer to Anita, who wrote a comment to my post The Journey Through.

I’ve always appreciated Anita’s comments and concern and support for our journey.  I value her on-line friendship greatly.  In this comment, she expressed her concern over my physical and emotional trials and wondered if it wasn’t time that I get on with fertility treatments and “get on with the business of being a wife and mom! :)”

She was writing this comment, just as I was writing my last post “Again???”, which came with a much more healed and renewed approach!

I started to write a response and after about 5 paragraphs, realised it was much more than a comment and has now morphed into this post documenting where we are with our thinking on fertility treatments!!

 

We had just started the fertility treatment process, when I got pregnant naturally.  It was amazing!  We were so excited.  Even though it didn’t work out, we have found renewed hope that we can do this naturally.  So we have decided to give it just a couple of months to see if it can happen again!

I so don't want to go through all the hormone treatments of fertility.  I know I will struggle with them, with the emotions and the time, and all else that goes with it.  Ultimately though, I will do anything of course, but just a couple of months of trying is the right choice for us now.  It will be good!

In retrospect, we are very happy that we got pregnant before going too far into the process with the OB that we saw.  I didn't like him!  He was very negative about getting pregnant over 40 and I don't need that attitude or the energy that he gave out.  We have another name of an OB now (a female), recommended by our doctor, and will go with her if unsuccessful this month and the next.  This will also take me closer to the end of the year and the summer break, which will be much easier to handle.

While I don't like the emotions/physical things that have been happening, I do see them as an important growth process for me, just as they were last time – 12 years ago.  I realised last night that I haven't binged for nearly three weeks now.  I feel the changes that are happening in my life, and I'm so glad.  Things are on the improve.

Thank you so much Anita for your concern and your support!   

Love and light

xx

A better day.

This morning I woke up feeling normal!  No deep sadness, no anxiety pains.  I didn’t have the overwhelmingly sad dreams that I have been having every night.  Wow.  It feels so different. 

Unfortunately, Dave heads off on Monday for another week away.  This is the time of year that he has to travel.  It is just bad timing for me.  Last time he was away (last week) was when my anxiety kicked in, and that was just 2 nights.  Hopefully I will be fine. 

I have a flute course for the week, so it will be something different and I will be spending the day with colleagues listening to one of the “Gods” of the flute world rather than in a little room on my own teaching my students.  That has got to be better for me!   It is a lot of travel every day as it is in the city and I live in the outer suburbs but today, for the first time, I am looking forward to it. 

Today is my last teaching day for three weeks.  (Aside from one exam student during the holidays).  I am looking forward to my last student!  My three weeks “holidays” though are not holidays.  Next week – flute course.  The week after I am tutoring at music camp.  And the following week I have to get the EOFY accounting done. 

I really could do with a full week off, but I should be able to grab a few days here and there.  And if I go into Dave’s office to do the accounting, not only will I be with him, but I will be more focused and should get it done more quickly.

So, a better day today.  I am grateful.

Handing it over to God.  And Trusting.

Grateful for the bushwalk!

It was a great morning bushwalking yesterday!  I took it easy which was no problems with the little kids that were with us.  About 30 minutes in, we hit a beautiful patch of nature and I went mad with the camera and my spirits and physical energy lifted.  I feel so renewed.

Later in the day, I began to feel the effects of the exercise.  My body felt good, but I also started to get dizzy and a little nauseous and very tired.  I was so grateful for the walk though, that I didn’t care.  I just curled up in front of the TV and chilled out with D.  And went to bed very early and slept right through.

I woke up with a deep sadness this morning.  Not like the cloud of depression that swamped me on Saturday, but just so sad.  It doesn’t feel directed toward or about anything in particular.  It is just there.  As the day as gone on, it has lifted significantly.  But I suspect it may return again in the morning.  We’ll see.

Physically, I feel fine today.  Some very minor abdomen discomfort, but nothing of great note.  I think I may be nearly healed, physically.  I am grateful for that.

Through the grace of God

Over the last two years, Dave and I have done so many tests to check for fertility and pregnancy (not to mention the gazillion other tests for fertility!). Saliva tests, Urine tests and Basal Body Temperature to check for ovulation. Urine tests to check for pregnancy. Not once have we ever got a positive result on anything. Not for ovulation or for pregnancy.

So, when I walked out of the toilet with the positive pregnancy test on Wednesday night, it put us both in a complete state of shock!

Oh my! Wow!

And I know with all my heart and soul, that we are pregnant through the grace of God. A few months ago, I surrendered the whole journey to God. I said to God that we had tried everything to conceive, we had been pro-active to the enth degree, with no result. I handed it over to God, saying that there was nothing more I can do, that I was helpless and I placed it all into Gods hands. I surrendered and I let go.

Two months later, we are pregnant.

I haven’t stopped thanking God since. Every day, I give thanks. I am so grateful to have been graced with this baby. I feel honoured that we have conceived and that a soul out there in the beyond has chosen us to be its parents.

I will never stop being thankful.

Now, as we journey through this first trimester, I am still placing the journey in God’s hands. I hand over to Him, the health and well-being of our child. I hand over to Him my fears and insecurities. Thy will be done. And in return, I focus on feeling taken care of, at ease and peaceful.

I breathe out a deep sigh.

Aaahhh...

Test Results

I’m really please with my test results today.  In all but one area, excellent improvements all around.  And the one area where there was no change, has given us a focus on what we need to work on.  I feel really encouraged by this!  I’m glad that so much has improved.  And I’m glad to know where the problem is and that there are solutions.

My homocysteine levels have improved dramatically!  They are now the best results she has ever seen.  If your homocysteine levels are too high there is a risk of miscarriage and down syndrome, so it was very important to get these levels down!  Queen Naturo would have been happy if these levels had dropped to around 7.  But mine are at a specy 5.5 (range 5.0 – 15.0)!

My testosterone levels have also improved, going from 156 pmol/L down to 121 (range 24-137).  She is happy with this!

My progesterone levels were okay, she said and did increase in the second test 2 days later.  A good sign!  But they need to be better and will be, once my oestradiol (oestrogen) levels are fixed.  This is where the problems lays.  Progesterone levels will improve once my oestradiol improves, so Queen Naturo is now no longer worried about the P4.

My E2 levels were the same as they were 9 months ago – at 2 pmol/L.  (Range – 6-14).  They are way too low which indicate that, at least for last month, I didn’t ovulate.  Oestrogen is what drives the release of the egg.  Without it, no ovulation.

I am actually really happy with this.  I was worried that the results would be fine and it would all be a big mystery, just as it was at the fertility clinic.  But instead, we have some focus.  We have an area that isn’t working and we have treatments to get it working!

I started taking progesterone tablets just a couple of weeks ago.  These will help me hold a conception.
And now I will begin taking tablets to help increase the E2 levels and encourage ovulation.

The two together should do the trick!  Fingers crossed!



On another medical note, my arthritis has flared up hugely this week.  Worse ever.  Both King Acupunc and Queen Naturo believe the weather is a large factor.  It has turned cold and wet here this week.  She has recommended some new tabs for me to take.  However, I haven’t been able to find them in store.  They are a new release to the over the counter market. One chemist, though, was able to give me the name and number of the agent that supplies them.  So, a phone call to her will in order tomorrow.  In the meantime, I have some cream – Traumeel – to rub into the joints.

I’m feeling so much more positive and hopeful now than I was yesterday!

Homocysteine – 5.5 umol/L (range 5.0 – 15.0)

Oestradiol (E2) - 2 pmol/L.  (Range – 6-14)
Progesterone (P4) – 306 pmol/L increasing to 407 2 days later (Range 140-520)
Testosterone – 121 pmol/L (range 24-137)

Fun and laughter!

Thank you to everyone who was so supportive of my post yesterday.  It was so appreciated and I am so grateful to you for being there in the blogging world and sharing our journeys together.  It meant a lot and was SO helpful to receive wonderful words of wisdom, advice and support.  Thank you!

I am feeling a lot better today.  I had a good cry, a couple of drinks and a fantastic evening with D!!  It is not often we get to have a couple of drinks together these days and we really enjoyed ourselves, talking together over the dinner table, playing around with the camera, playing with the animals, and in reminiscence of our early dating days, sitting in the lounge with the lights off, listening to all sorts of music, talking, laughing and looking at the amazing visual effects of D’s fantastic screensaver.

Check out some of the fun…!

D will kill me for putting this one up, but it so depicts our fun filled, silly evening!  I stuck smiley faces on our faces in order to pick up our spirits!

R and I had a play fight.  Check out the claws!!  When he plays, he REALLY plays!!!  Ya gotta watch out!

 

K was being her usual gorgeous self watching the goings ons.

 

M and D had their usual boy fun together.  But M got the better of D and grossed him out with his licking!! (goodness knows why I am still writing with initials, when I am putting up photos!!  Oh well!)


And lastly, D gotta the better of me and caught me on the throne!  Oh dear!  Naughty man!  But hilarious laughter was the result of this bit of trickery!

 

So, it was a much needed, joyful, fun-filled, silly and loving evening of togetherdom.  And the result is that today I feel much better.  I love that we have so much fun together.

The rest of the results

The rest of my test results arrived from the fertility clinic.  Well, almost the rest.  Missing, were the results of my pelvic scan.  But I think I will let that go.  The most important ones to come in were my progesterone tests and D’s sperm analysis.

And now I am smiling big!  Because I was right about the progesterone tests.  The two that were missing DID show I was ovulating!!  Woohooo!!  A 43 on Day 23 and a 40 on Day 26!!  Yea!

I went prancing around the house dancing and laughing - “My ovaries are working, little eggs are coming down!”.  D just watched me and laughed at my silliness!!  :)

It was such a relief after being so worried for so many months about whether I was ovulating or not!!  Big smiles all around.

I am yet to research up on D’s results but will at some stage just for my own understanding of it all.  However, upon mentioning the morphology to King Acupunc, he said “no worries, I have just the thing!”.  Well, of course he does.  They both always have a herbal solution to every problem.  We have seen the results of it time and time again!  Ya just gotta love natural medicine!  Brilliant!

There was one little hiccup with things yesterday.

My mum came around to spend some time together and help out with a few things.  She brought the mail in.  Yes, the fertility clinic letter!  Woopsiee.  It didn’t say fertility clinic, just the hospital and O and G department.  I mean I could be G’ing, but not O’ing!! 

I wasn’t sure if she saw it, because it was mixed up with the junk mail.  But later she was sitting down quietly and gently asked me why I had given up alcohol.  Keep in mind, I gave up about 9 months ago, and up until now, she has been perfectly happy with the fact that it was just to cut back!

In a matter of a split second, I debated telling her or not.  But I really don’t want to yet.  So, I came out with “I haven’t given up completely”.  And left it at that.  Which is true, because every time I get a period, I still enjoy a glass or two of my favourite red wine.  I didn’t actually answer her question.  Later, on our way back from Curves, she mentioned my niece and her fiance discussing having children and I wondered again, if she had seen anything.

I think she is a bit confused about us.  I think she is very disappointed that we are not rushing on into our engagement party and wedding.  I wonder if I should sit her down and talk to her about what we are doing.  D has suggested that it may be a good idea.  I don’t know. 

I still don’t want the questions every time I see her – are we pregnant yet, how is it going.  I don’t know how she would feel about us trying to have a baby before we are married.  Mostly, I just want to be able to turn up and tell them both that we are pregnant.  That’s the dream I have in my head.

I guess I will just have to think on it some more.

A new beginning

I don’t know what it is about today, but it feels like the start of a new day!  I feel good, I feel at ease and I’ve put my first smiley face on the calendar.  Thanks Anita!

I feel unconcerned about the usual problems that hammer away at my head and soul.  They feel inconsequential.  I feel light.

So why I am writing about this in my conception blog?  It seems more appropriate to be writing it in my creating peaceful thoughts blog.

Because I think it is all because of my large progesterone number.  I think that seeing actual prove of my P4 going from 2.2 to 45 in just 6 days, gave me confidence and belief in the fact that I am ovulating.

The night before, I was going through all the tests results from the fertility clinic and saying to D that it didn’t make any sense.  There was nothing in there to indicate ovulation.  I had one P4 that was at 26, but that is just scraping in at the barrel.  I was annoyed, I was angry at the OB diagnosis that I was ovulating.  “Where is the indication of it?” I was saying. 

I looked back over my posts to match up dates with what I written about the appointments.  After my first appointment, she had me take 3 P4 tests at two day intervals.  It was from these that she first said I was ovulating.  There was only one result from those tests in the file and it was only a 13.  What was going on?

I realised that this one was probably the last of the 3 tests and perhaps the others were of a higher level.  “I must get the other results to see”  I thought.  “Surely they will make sense of this.”

I was disappointed with my OB.  She had done nothing for us, no help, no meds, nothing.  I was very grateful for the results of my HSG scan and D’s sperm analysis. I was very grateful at how completely willing she was, with no hesitation, giving me copies of all the results.  I didn’t even have to sign anything.  That was terrific.  I was also very grateful for the clear and more in depth explanations she gave us of her findings.  But no assistance.

Yet, on second thinking, it is probably a good thing.  The drugs that I would have been pumped with would have caused so many side affects and go so against our belief in staying away from artificial things.  We may yet have to go down that path, but for now I am happy to be still be trying naturally.  Especially now that we now know we are basically ok.

On insisting I have a second P4 test on Tuesday, so past the usual date for doing these things, our OB resurrected herself in my eyes!  Such wonderful instincts!  For that, I am SO SO SO SO SO SO grateful.  Ecstatic!!  Thank you, thank you!

Because now, as a result, I feel terrific.  I feel renewed.  I feel happy.  I feel clean.  I feel light.  I feel bright eyed.  I feel more confident.  Within my underlying self, I feel better than I have in many months!  Thank you 45.  My new favourite number!  Thank you OB and the fertility clinic.

Day 34

Day 34.  I haven’t had a Day 34 since July last year.  Still no period.  And a negative pregnancy result.  Also a lot more pain. 

Without a positive pregnancy result, I’m a bit at a loss.  It could be muscular from the gym I guess, but I have never pulled a muscle at Curves before.  Although I did go back on Curves Smart last week and worked quite a bit harder on Saturday.  But why a delay before the pain appears?  A little unusual.

It  does say on the pregnancy home test that it doesn’t work for everyone and considering that Maybe Baby never really worked for me, maybe I’m just one of the strange ones!  Quite likely!  lol  :)  :)

My doctors appointment is on Friday, so plenty more time for my period to begin or not.  And also plenty of time for possible strained muscles to heal.

I don’t feel any need this morning to go to emergency, although I was considering it last night.  ‘Twas not good.  But this morning, I can breathe a little easier and it doesn’t hurt so much when I press down.

D slept in the spare room after our 2 am sit up - for both of us.  I was able to move around more freely and be restless without disturbing him or trying to be quiet and he was ensured a decent sleep before heading off to work today.  If I needed him, he would have easily heard me and been there for me.

So now it’s a waiting game.  Period to arrive / muscles to heal??  I am thankful to still be on school holidays and not have to deal with this at work.  I recorded some new season TV shows last night, so I may just chill out and watch them this morning.

Thanks for listening. 

And to our little one to be.  If this is because I am newly pregnant with you – then you are absolutely, without doubt, worth every little bit of pain and I so hope that it is because we are pregnant with you.

 

 

                                       Katie Lee Photography

Woopsie!

 

 

 

As you know, we are not telling our friends and family IRL about our efforts to have a baby.  Ever since we began tracking my cycle 6 months ago, I have remembered every fortnight to put away the Maybe Baby and any other signs of our efforts to conceive before our cleaner and now friend, comes around.  That is… until today!

After she had been here for a little while, I finally remembered!  I wasn’t worried because I didn’t think she had been to our bedroom yet.  But I was wrong!  She had already gone around with the duster.

As she was finishing up for the morning, she said to me “I wasn’t snooping around amongst your things, but I thought I should let you know that as I was dusting, I came across the Maybe Baby by your bed.  Ooo, I thought.  I know was THAT is for!!” 

After my initial “oh no”, I was so grateful that she felt it was important to tell me and not hide the fact that she saw it.  I know I can completely trust her not to tell anyone – including my mother who she attends church with every Sunday!

Now, I don’t have to hide everything every fortnight! 




Instead we had a little chat about it and she was able to pass on her insight, wisdom and support.  She is a wonderful woman, who has gained much experience and understanding about life.  And she is excited for us!  And said that she would pray for us.  She also promised not to ask me every fortnight how it is all going or ask the question that is one of the reasons we aren’t telling people “are you pregnant yet?”!

The BEST thing about our conversation was when she said “And of course, you are the PERFECT age now to have a baby!”

”What”, I said, “You are the first person to ever say THAT

!”

She said, "Well of course you are.  You’ve had so many life experiences, you are more than ready to settle down and really give your all to raising a child.  You understand what is involved.  You have waited for the right person to have a child with.  You are committed to each other as you will be to your child.   You will have so much to give to your children. It’s the perfect time!”

Gee, I like that woman!!  Thhhrrrrr, to the people who say you shouldn’t have children over 40.  Come and talk to our wise and loving cleaner!!!  :) :) 

 

Finding Gratitude.

I’m really struggling to find my happy place at the moment.  It is possible that external influences are factoring in to it, but mostly I think it is starting another cycle. 

So, what I need to do is to be grateful for this latest stage in our conception journey and my life overall.  In this way, I can find my positivity once more.

I am grateful for:

• the opportunity to continue to move into a healthier way of living.
• being able to enjoy NYE with a few drinks.
• having D in my life – his love and his support and his wonderful way of being able to find my happy place!
• my naturopath and acupuncturist and the support and treatment they are providing.
• their 100% strike rate for conception!
• being able to begin painting the outdoor setting and to poison the weeds today. (although D ended up poisoning for me!)  If I was pregnant or thought I was pregnant, I wouldn’t have done those jobs.
• our home and our life together.
• my parents.
• our pets.
• the changes in my work situation this year.
• that all our test results were good.
• school holidays.
• our rural property that we can go to whenever we like.
• remembering that when I am struggling, I simply need to focus on one step at a time, one job at a time, one thing at a time.
• our brand new Canon SLR and the digital photography course I just downloaded!

So, now I let it sit.  Absorb it.  Allow it to come to fruition.  And eventually I will be back to my usual place of positivity, gratitude and living in the moment.

Day 3, Cycle 8

New Years Eve was fantastic!!  How was your night??  I hope you all enjoyed seeing the New Year and new decade in your most favourite of ways!

About an hour before we left for our property, my period began.

There were some tears and working through the sadness during the two hour drive to our property.

But once we were there, we had a wonderful time!!  I was grateful for and greatly enjoyed being able to have a few drinks and cracked open my favourite bottle of red wine – Wolf Blass Grey Label Shiraz.  I could have stayed up all night, but by 3am we headed to bed and slept for just a few hours.  I guess that’s the problem being an early riser – you go to bed late and still wake up early!!  But I woke up refreshed this morning after a wonderful nights sleep.

I need to move back into a place of feeling positive about conceiving and simply going with the flow of life once more.  At the moment, I am feeling a little sad and dejected about it.  This is the first time I have truly felt this way at the beginning of a new cycle. 

After the GYN told me she believed I was ovulating and that all the tests for both of us were good, I began to feel more hopeful about our chances.

Now I need to go back to the stress-free, relaxed, let things come as they do, approach to life and conception that always works well.  I think it might be a little harder to find now, but just writing this is helping it to come back just a little!

Dear little one,

To our dear little one to be,

Today has been the best Christmas morning I have had in years.  It is the third Christmas that your father and I have spent together, but it is the first one where we have woken up together in our own home, and celebrated with love and opening presents around the Christmas tree.

Grandma P is here also, visiting from Sydney, and it has made it feel like such a special family morning.  I am so grateful and happy.

I can’t even remember the last time that I woke up in my own home on Christmas morning and not been alone.  I lived alone for so many years before I met your Daddy.  I am so grateful and happy to have him in my life.  Today I am feeling truly blessed.

And I dream of you.  I wonder if you are here already, growing in my womb.  I feel such love and strong sense of protection for you.  I can’t even begin to imagine how I am going to feel when I know you are truly here, let alone when I hold you in my arms for the first time.  What a Christmas that will be, when we can celebrate with you as well.

Grandma and Dad have gone to mass this morning and I have some quiet time for a little while.  Soon we will head over to Grandma and Grandpa O and spend the rest of the day with them and the rest of our family.  Christmas as normal!

This year though, it is better.  There is your Dad, there are thoughts and hopes for you and there is so much more peace in my life.  I am grateful.

Fertility Clinic results

I had my second appointment with the GYN this week.   The results are all good. 

• All my hormones were where they should be,
• D’s results were good,
• I have a high egg count for my age,
• my scan was mostly good with some strange follicle/cyst behaviour that doesn’t concern her,
• she says that I am ovulating.

Still no pregnancy!

My naturopath and acupuncturist are really pleased.  They believe that all that we have been doing for the last 5 months is working.  And I do too!  They believe that I have had/still have PCOS, but that the herbs and acupuncture are doing their job and the cysts are gradually staying away.  Queen Naturo also reminded me that a few months ago, my bloods showed that I wasn’t ovulating, so progress is being made!

At this stage, the GYN has no answer, but she does have action.  Over the next two months, I undergo:

• a blood test each cycle to continue to monitor my ovulation.  She wants to look at whether I am regularly ovulating or not. 
  However she did say something really interesting about this.  That the fact that my cycles have regulated over the last few months, is a good sign that I am ovulating.  She said that regular cycles mean regular ovulation!  Once again, thanks to Queen Naturo and King Acupunt.  Because before them, my cycles were all over the place.  Probably why I still have lots of eggs left!!
• And she has also scheduled me in for a HSG scan to look at my tubes.  Once again, it doesn’t sound like a pleasant experience!  But I am grateful to be able to find out whether my tubes are healthy or blocked in any way.

After that, if things are still looking good, then it becomes a diagnosis of unexplained infertility.  From there, we can choose to either continue to try on our own, or take the IVF path. 

If we are very fortunate, a pregnancy will ensue before that time comes!  However, we both agree that in two months, if we still aren’t pregnant, we will continue to work with the naturopath for a little while longer.  You gotta have faith in their 100% strike rate!

I am very grateful to know though, that the GYN will be happy to proceed with IVF.  Issues of my weight did come up, along with the complications it can cause, but it is not enough to not proceed with IVF.  She has simply encouraged me to continue to work on that area.  Like I haven’t been working on that issue every day of my life!

She was really good in this consultation.  You may remember I was unhappy with our last appointment, but it was really good this time.  She was very support and compassionate, gentle and reassuring with all the results.   And only 30 minutes late instead of 90!!  :)

So, I’ve come away reassured by all the test results.

• I believe that, while there are still some cysts I am recovering from PCOS!
• I am not yet convinced on the ovulation thing.  Maybe Baby is still showing nothing and I am not feeling anything myself either.  It is possible though, that Maybe Baby is just not working for me.  And their website also states that it isn’t right for everyone. 
  I am looking forward to finding out the results of continuing ovulation testing and of course, seeing whether or not, I begin a new cycle!