Another brief pregnancy

Following on from conceiving after we got married and not succeeding with that pregnancy, I then proceeded to conceive again the very next cycle - on our honeymoon!  That also would have been a good story - but was also not to be.

This loss was so much harder for so many reasons.  Two in a row.  And also this one went for longer and started with a little bit of hope.

My hormone levels were monitored right from the moment I knew that I had implanted.  The first two tests gave us some hope.  But more importantly this pregnancy FELT different.  I felt as though I had a little life growing in me, I felt a connection, a prescence.  It might sound strange and I don't know what other women have experienced in that regard.  But I felt something completely different to the other two times.

So when we got the third blood test that showed that things were progressing as they should, we were so disappointed.  For another three weeks I was monitored.  The pregnancy kept hobbling along with no real progress, but my hcg levels kept rising just a little bit every time.  However, instead of doubling every 2 days, I would only go up my 20.  By the end of those three weeks, instead of being in the thousands, I was at 180.

And then I started bleeding.  And I shut down.  Even now, I am still struggling, but I'm better.  I lost any interest in anything.  I stayed home, didn't do anything, watched TV.  Every now and then something would grab my attention and I would be so glad to do it.  But for the most part, there was nothing.  Not even any tears.  Just nothing.

I was grateful to be on school holidays and I didn't judge myself for my behaviour.  I just let it all happen and allowed myself to respond in whatever way I needed. 

I bled for a week, then a week later I started bleeding again.  It was old blood that still needed to remove itself.  It was unpleasant.  And has nearly lasted for a week so far.

This loss has hit me hard.  I finally cried about it a few days ago.  Even now, writing this, the tears are welling up.  We were so desperate to start an IVF round in November last year.  To grab those eggs of mine before they got any older.  To be assured of getting a good embryo to transfer.  Now, two natural invalid pregnancies later, we are still waiting and my eggs are getting older.

So this cycle, there will no unprotected sex!!  It helps that Dave is away for most of the month with work!  And we will try for our fourth ICSI round next cycle.

I have had copious amounts of blood taken and am being tested for all sorts of things, including the antiobodies that can cause miscarriage.  So far all the tests have come back healthy, but the antibodies test takes longer to come in.  It could be a few more weeks yet before we now that one.

The positive thing in all of this, is that my body is trying to get pregnant.  We went three and a half years with only one pregnancy in that time and now...  two cycles in a  row, I have conceived.  Something has changed. 

• I think a lot of it has to do with having the polyp removed from my uterine wall last round.  
• It is also the prayers that were being said for an entire month by the monks in Japan which my beautiful friend organised for me on her holidays.  
• It could be the kinesiology sessions I have been having and the counselling sessions that are matching up with the kinesiology in a way that is just a little freaky.  
• I also like to think it's because we are married now.

Whatever the reason, it has given us, and even my doctor, a little more hope that if we can just find the right embryo, things will turn out well.

IVF round two

Round Two was a long time ago now.  Back in August I think.  Once again there were complications.

After my first scan to check the progress of the follicular growth, it was discovered that I had a polyp on my uterine wall.  The clinic sent me off for a 3D scan to get a good look at it.

The waiting room for the 3D scan was filled with pregnant women with their young children running around their feet.  They were there to get a look at their new growing child.  I was there from complications with just trying to get one.  But the scan staff were fantastic, kind and caring and the experience went off without a hitch.

The polyp was confirmed and that meant that during my harvest surgery, they would remove it.  It also meant that any embryos would need to be frozen because they wouldn't be able to be put transfer them after the surgery to remove the polyp. 

The surgery turned out to be a little more complicated, because the polyp was embedded in the uterine wall.  Rather than tying it off and removing it, they had to cut into the wall and dig it out.  Yuck!!! 
And also my ovaries had decided to hide away and they had to push and prod them into place to get out the follicles.  Unfortunately, they weren't able to get them all.

We only got 6 eggs that round.  I think five of them fertilised, but only one grew to a size that was valid.  However, that one was a much better quality than the one we got last time.  So, it was frozen and is waiting for us to implant.

Our Round Three was going to just be a harvest.  We were going to freeze any embryos we got rather than implanting straight away.  The reasons were multiple. 
One, there is quite an argument now about whether it is better to freeze and implant into a natural cycle or put the fresh embryos into a stimulated cycle.  Many clinics are now exclusively doing the freeze and implant later. 
Second, I was really keen to do a harvest and freeze before we left for our honeymoon.  Every month that passes, is a month more aging of my eggs.  I so wanted to get some more and not let two more months pass.  So, that is another thing so dissappointing about our round three.  We weren't able to get any embryos.

My OB is on the fence with regards to natural versus frozen transfer.  However, with the other circumstances going on for us right now that would cause emotional stress which is not good for the success of a round, she agreed that it was best to freeze and implant in January.  With that not happening due to the complications of round three, we will probably do a full round including fresh transfer in January, rather than freeze.

Now, I am concerned about the timing of round 4.  It all depends on when my next period occurs.  They have predicted 10 - 14 days after the trigger injection.  Which means I could start my period after that during the Christmas/New Year week when they are closed.  That would just suck.  So when I go for my blood tests on Friday, I will talk them about all of that.  We still have the drugs, so it is possible we will be able to start ourselves for the first few days and see them straight away in the the New Year.  Or maybe we will just conceive naturally on our honeymoon cruise to New Zealand!!!  Now that would be awesome!!  And the timing could be right!

January will be a great month for me to do a round.  It will be the summer holidays, I will be totally relaxed and refreshed from our cruise and I will be stress free with no work until February.  Keep your fingers crossed that it all works out.