6 weeks, 5 days and still pregnant! We hope...
We had a bit of scary drama on Friday night...
I had a bleed. We thought - thats it, its all over. Turns out, its not. Big deep breath out.
It was 9.30 pm. We called the clinic straight away and were very thankful that it was our fertility doctor who was on call that weekend. She talked us through a few things, including that a bleed doesn't necessarily mean a miscarriage and suggested we go to the hospital for a scan.
By 4 am we had finally left the hospital with no clear result but with hope that things were still ok. The scan showed that there was a yolk sac, but no proof of life. At 5 weeks, 5 days it was too early to know.
The clinic got us in for a scan on Monday and wow!!, they detected a fetal heartbeat! They were quite clear before the scan that it was very unlikely they would detect one at 6 weeks, but sometimes it happened. Really what they were looking for was signs of the yolk sac and a healthy uterus. They found that as well.
The scan showed that no bleeding had occured from the uterus, the lining was good, the sac was good, everything looked as it should. And of course, a heartbeat!
So they believe the bleeding came from the cervix. With all the hormones I am taking, the cervix has been weakened. And before the bleed, I had done some vaccuming and mopping, which could have been the issue.
After having another little issue a few days later when I did some more vaccuming, we know that this is the cause. So, I've been ordered off housework. With Dave in full swing of work, he just not have time to take up the slack, so we have to get a cleaner. Its not financially good for us, but it might only be for a few weeks, until I stop taking hormones and the cervix gains some strength.
Since then, I have been brown spotting every day. I do wish it would stop. While its not scary because it is nothing fresh, it still leaves us with mild anxiety as we wait for everything to heal.
The other difficulty is in the depth of my exhaustion. I've tried to keep up walking believing that would be helping, but I've been ordered of that as well for the next few weeks. It is just more important that all my energy goes into growing our baby.
So, a scare, and a few resulting frustrations. But, I can live it with it all knowing that is ensuring the continuation of our pregnancy and the health of our growing baby.
Tomorrow we go for a follow up scan to make sure things are still developing as they should. We will both sigh a big relief if this one is also good. Considering my daily nausea as well as tiredness and muscular stretching pains, I think the chances are good!
Showing posts with label Fertility Clinic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fertility Clinic. Show all posts
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Thursday, September 17, 2015
The Donors
So, the first thing I did, was to call our fertility clinic.
"Whats the story with donors now?"
"Well, we actually have three in the works at the moment!"
"Really!? Oh my god! I can't believe it!"
And then the stories of them all came out.
The first donor
She was overseas and ended up extending her stay
The second donor
She had come to the clinic through another patient. However, before the lady who found her could start a round with this donor, she had to use her last embryo from her previous donor. This was a success and she was pregnant!
Her new donor then volunteered to donate to another couple until the first woman had delivered and was ready to try for her second. There was plenty of time for the donor to go through a round with another couple and she was keen to donate to someone else.
However... the first lady was so distraught and upset and didn't want her new donor donating to anyone else. "What if something goes wrong? Then you won't be there for me. You need to be there for me."
Okay, so we will wait until your pregnancy is well and truly stable.
Then it was "But I want you there as soon as I have delivered. I want to get started on trying for a second baby straight away. And what if you do a round with someone else and then decide you don't want to do it again?"
The donor decide to wait as she didn't want this lady being so distraught while she was pregnant.
Eventually, it came to a time that we met with this donor. She was an amazing woman to be doing was she was doing and what she planned to do in the future in helping people to achieve their dreams of motherhood. I'm really glad to have met her. But, she wasn't the right fit for us.
In the meantime, after all that happened, we lost the chance to meet the third donor.
The third donor
She had also come to the clinic through another patient. This patient then became naturally pregnant!
Once again, this donor wanted to donate to others.
In this case, though, the patient was more than happy for her to do so. They waited until she was safe into her pregnancy and then all was good for the donor to help another couple.
However, because we were meeting with the first donor, the clinic linked her up with a different couple and we missed out. I should mention here, that at this stage, we were first on the list to be connected with the donors.
I was so disappointed. "We should have met with the first donor earlier, then we would have known" blah blah... you get the idea!
The next day, the clinic called.
Another lady had just been cleared to donate. Would we like to meet her? Yes yes please!!!
The fourth and final donor
Everything worked out as it should. This lady is awesome. She has also been through the IVF process with the same doctor as we did. She has gone through the same trials and tribulations. She had the same OB with the one pregnancy that went passed 8 weeks and then she had the same heartache when they lost that baby at 12 weeks.
Our stories are so similar. We all get along so well including the hubbies. We have the same feelings about how we would like things to be should we be successful. It is a good fit.
Now, she has a beautiful little boy and two baby twin boys.
And she wants to give other couple the same chances that she had to become parents.
We have started the process. We have both had our first appointments and things will slowly progress.
We are nervous, worried and excited at the same time!
We are taking each step as it comes.
.................
"Whats the story with donors now?"
"Well, we actually have three in the works at the moment!"
"Really!? Oh my god! I can't believe it!"
And then the stories of them all came out.
The first donor
She was overseas and ended up extending her stay
The second donor
She had come to the clinic through another patient. However, before the lady who found her could start a round with this donor, she had to use her last embryo from her previous donor. This was a success and she was pregnant!
Her new donor then volunteered to donate to another couple until the first woman had delivered and was ready to try for her second. There was plenty of time for the donor to go through a round with another couple and she was keen to donate to someone else.
However... the first lady was so distraught and upset and didn't want her new donor donating to anyone else. "What if something goes wrong? Then you won't be there for me. You need to be there for me."
Okay, so we will wait until your pregnancy is well and truly stable.
Then it was "But I want you there as soon as I have delivered. I want to get started on trying for a second baby straight away. And what if you do a round with someone else and then decide you don't want to do it again?"
The donor decide to wait as she didn't want this lady being so distraught while she was pregnant.
Eventually, it came to a time that we met with this donor. She was an amazing woman to be doing was she was doing and what she planned to do in the future in helping people to achieve their dreams of motherhood. I'm really glad to have met her. But, she wasn't the right fit for us.
In the meantime, after all that happened, we lost the chance to meet the third donor.
The third donor
She had also come to the clinic through another patient. This patient then became naturally pregnant!
Once again, this donor wanted to donate to others.
In this case, though, the patient was more than happy for her to do so. They waited until she was safe into her pregnancy and then all was good for the donor to help another couple.
However, because we were meeting with the first donor, the clinic linked her up with a different couple and we missed out. I should mention here, that at this stage, we were first on the list to be connected with the donors.
I was so disappointed. "We should have met with the first donor earlier, then we would have known" blah blah... you get the idea!
The next day, the clinic called.
Another lady had just been cleared to donate. Would we like to meet her? Yes yes please!!!
The fourth and final donor
Everything worked out as it should. This lady is awesome. She has also been through the IVF process with the same doctor as we did. She has gone through the same trials and tribulations. She had the same OB with the one pregnancy that went passed 8 weeks and then she had the same heartache when they lost that baby at 12 weeks.
Our stories are so similar. We all get along so well including the hubbies. We have the same feelings about how we would like things to be should we be successful. It is a good fit.
Now, she has a beautiful little boy and two baby twin boys.
And she wants to give other couple the same chances that she had to become parents.
We have started the process. We have both had our first appointments and things will slowly progress.
We are nervous, worried and excited at the same time!
We are taking each step as it comes.
.................
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Nemo's come home!
Yesterday was transfer day and everything went well!
My feelings of non-chalance went through a few different phases as they day drew closer. But nothing really stuck. Some nerves set in at one point. There were feelings of anticipation. But even on the day, I just went about my day as normal. Although the comment from one of my students was interesting...
The transfer wasn't till midday, so I popped into school to do a few catch up lessons. My first student said "You are in a good mood today!" and she only saw me the day before. She was right, I was feeling really good. Whether it was the fantastic swim I had after school the day before or the fact that Nemo was coming home, who knows.
The thought "Nemo is coming home today!" popped into my head as I was driving to school. Something shifted in me then. Maybe that was what changed my mood as well!!
When I told Dave, he said that one of his customers referenced "Finding Nemo" in a phone call the day before. Freaky!
So, we arrived at the hospital and went into the room with the embryologist and our OB. All I wanted to know was "Did Nemo thaw?" There was a 10% chance that our embryo wouldn't make it through the thawing process. I was so expecting that to be the case. Just our luck, you know?! Beat the odds again. But not only did it thaw, it was flourishing. Both women were really happy with how it was plumping up and progressing. "Oh thank goodness!"
"Would you like to see it?", they asked. "Yes Please!", we said. And there it was - our beautiful embryo on the screen. I felt such a rush of excitement and love - for a second - and then my defenses kicked in and I found myself pushing down that excitement in fear of what might happen. Then that emotion shifted again, to one of going through the motions of the procedure with complete acceptance of the situation. I think it is a good place to be.
However...........
When we walked out of the hospital doors, everything shifted again! I had gone from not wanting to be pregnant again, to suddenly having our live and healthy Nemo inside me. I felt like precious cargo and I SO SO SO SO SO want to pregnant again. All of a sudden, I'm not frightened of it anymore. All of a sudden, I'm excited.
Now, just one day later, I am talking to Nemo already. I'm trying to listen to what it needs - or more precisely I suppose - what my body needs for Nemo to flourish. I just like to think of it as Nemo talking back to me.
Now, it wouldn't have even implanted yet, but as far as I am concerned, I have a little life form living inside of me. I'm not holding my breath, I'm still feeling very relaxed with no expectations of achieving pregnancy or going full term. But there is a part of me that feels that this is different, that this one is going to work. That this is a happy and 'excited for life' embryo.
So, my job now is to live my life happy and peaceful. To go about my days, content in my activites, feeling a sense of accomplishment in my tasks and to also be careful about what I do and how much I do. To be happy being less active and enjoying a 'holiday' from the busyness of life and the hard work of the heavy physical jobs that I love doing. I will be content swimming more casually and no longer doing fast sprints and hard laps. I will be content walking on the flat surfaces and not traipsing up and down all the hills!
I've been calling this round, IVF round 5. But really, it is just finishing round 2. Nemo is from my round 2 collection. I had the polyp removed and wasn't able to do the transfer and Nemo, our one and only embryo from that round, was frozen. The positive thing here, is that Nemo is younger than our last embryo and may be less damaged. It was conceived a year ago! Fingers crossed that works in our favour!
Love and Light
xxx
My feelings of non-chalance went through a few different phases as they day drew closer. But nothing really stuck. Some nerves set in at one point. There were feelings of anticipation. But even on the day, I just went about my day as normal. Although the comment from one of my students was interesting...
The transfer wasn't till midday, so I popped into school to do a few catch up lessons. My first student said "You are in a good mood today!" and she only saw me the day before. She was right, I was feeling really good. Whether it was the fantastic swim I had after school the day before or the fact that Nemo was coming home, who knows.
The thought "Nemo is coming home today!" popped into my head as I was driving to school. Something shifted in me then. Maybe that was what changed my mood as well!!
When I told Dave, he said that one of his customers referenced "Finding Nemo" in a phone call the day before. Freaky!
So, we arrived at the hospital and went into the room with the embryologist and our OB. All I wanted to know was "Did Nemo thaw?" There was a 10% chance that our embryo wouldn't make it through the thawing process. I was so expecting that to be the case. Just our luck, you know?! Beat the odds again. But not only did it thaw, it was flourishing. Both women were really happy with how it was plumping up and progressing. "Oh thank goodness!"
"Would you like to see it?", they asked. "Yes Please!", we said. And there it was - our beautiful embryo on the screen. I felt such a rush of excitement and love - for a second - and then my defenses kicked in and I found myself pushing down that excitement in fear of what might happen. Then that emotion shifted again, to one of going through the motions of the procedure with complete acceptance of the situation. I think it is a good place to be.
However...........
When we walked out of the hospital doors, everything shifted again! I had gone from not wanting to be pregnant again, to suddenly having our live and healthy Nemo inside me. I felt like precious cargo and I SO SO SO SO SO want to pregnant again. All of a sudden, I'm not frightened of it anymore. All of a sudden, I'm excited.
Now, just one day later, I am talking to Nemo already. I'm trying to listen to what it needs - or more precisely I suppose - what my body needs for Nemo to flourish. I just like to think of it as Nemo talking back to me.
Now, it wouldn't have even implanted yet, but as far as I am concerned, I have a little life form living inside of me. I'm not holding my breath, I'm still feeling very relaxed with no expectations of achieving pregnancy or going full term. But there is a part of me that feels that this is different, that this one is going to work. That this is a happy and 'excited for life' embryo.
So, my job now is to live my life happy and peaceful. To go about my days, content in my activites, feeling a sense of accomplishment in my tasks and to also be careful about what I do and how much I do. To be happy being less active and enjoying a 'holiday' from the busyness of life and the hard work of the heavy physical jobs that I love doing. I will be content swimming more casually and no longer doing fast sprints and hard laps. I will be content walking on the flat surfaces and not traipsing up and down all the hills!
I've been calling this round, IVF round 5. But really, it is just finishing round 2. Nemo is from my round 2 collection. I had the polyp removed and wasn't able to do the transfer and Nemo, our one and only embryo from that round, was frozen. The positive thing here, is that Nemo is younger than our last embryo and may be less damaged. It was conceived a year ago! Fingers crossed that works in our favour!
Love and Light
xxx
Friday, August 16, 2013
Frozen embryo transfer
Hi all!
It's been a month since I posted. Where has the time gone?! Last week I joined Dave on a work trip. I had a great time while he was at work! We stayed at a B&B that was on 400 acres of farmland. It was perfect for me. It was a little weird that was the B&B was actually the top story of their home and you are actually sharing their home with them. But it was great for me.
I had some company while Dave was gone long hours at work. I explored the property, joined the husband on his rounds of the animals, learnt a lot about cattle farming and horse harness racing. Wangaratta had an indoor swimming pool, so I was able to keep up my swimming.
I had a car to drive around in because Dave's employee met us there, so I used his car. I did a lot of touristy things, shopping and exploring places to eat for lunch. Did a lot of walks around the place and generally really enjoyed myself. I LOVED Wangaratta. Such a great feel to the place and lots of things to do and see. And the shopping in the city centre was superb. No main shopping complex, just lots of little shops in the main streets. Lots of places that I loved. Fantastic!
It was a good week for me. Much needed I think.
We have our frozen embryo transfer on Tuesday. I've been going through the motions of the things to do to prepare for it, blood tests, timetabling, getting all the big physical jobs done in the house so I don't itch to do them when I need to be laying down and holding onto the embryo, etc etc. But I don't think I have any reality of it. I mean, I know its happening obviously, but it just seems like an event on the calender.
I thought I might be like this. Just going through the motions of it all. Then I remembered today that we have already named this embryo - Nemo. That brought a bit of reality to me. This one has a name. And then I thought of writing in my blog. That brings a bit more reality again.
And that brings - fear, nervousness, worry... I don't want to be pregnant again. It would be an understatement to say that none of my experiences have been good ones. But I do want to be a Mum and I do want to go through this process in order to get there.
I can't believe we are doing it again. We keep getting told we are courageous to try again so soon after the last time. But we are also being very supported by the fertility clinic.
Our OB believes that I am very fertile, especially for my age. That made me laugh. You're kidding right???!!! No, shes not kidding. It's just that we needed to sort things out and find the right formula - polyp removal so that I can get implantation and the right balance in my blood so that I can hold a pregnancy, and of course, we need to find the right embryo. That one little embryo that is still okay, that is not damaged by age or by genetics. It makes me wonder that if Nemo doesn't work, would it be worth trying a full round again??? Think about that later...
She is so positive - our OB. I so wish we had found her much earlier in our infertilty journey. If she had gotten to me when I was 40, instead of 43, it might have made a huge difference. But nevermind. I am a believer in the universal plan, even if I have absolutely no idea what it is!
Someone said to me the other day - "Think about the future, but live in the present". Words that we hear in different forms a lot. But it struck home. I am living more in the present, because I'm really starting to like my present. Yes, in the future, I will need to sort out my work and financial situation, but right now, I'm loving the way my life is going. I think about what I want to do for work and have put out a couple of feelers, but I don't have to worry about it right now.
Right now, I'm trying to heal from everything in my life. Trying to find the new me and create a new life. One free from the restrictions that have held me back from happiness and peacefulness and joy. One that I am proud of and makes me feel like a worthwhile human being. I think I'm a little bit further along in that journey, maybe, just maybe...
Oh and there's that little thing of our embryo transfer on Tuesday. Wish us luck!
Love and Light
xxx
It's been a month since I posted. Where has the time gone?! Last week I joined Dave on a work trip. I had a great time while he was at work! We stayed at a B&B that was on 400 acres of farmland. It was perfect for me. It was a little weird that was the B&B was actually the top story of their home and you are actually sharing their home with them. But it was great for me.
I had some company while Dave was gone long hours at work. I explored the property, joined the husband on his rounds of the animals, learnt a lot about cattle farming and horse harness racing. Wangaratta had an indoor swimming pool, so I was able to keep up my swimming.
I had a car to drive around in because Dave's employee met us there, so I used his car. I did a lot of touristy things, shopping and exploring places to eat for lunch. Did a lot of walks around the place and generally really enjoyed myself. I LOVED Wangaratta. Such a great feel to the place and lots of things to do and see. And the shopping in the city centre was superb. No main shopping complex, just lots of little shops in the main streets. Lots of places that I loved. Fantastic!
It was a good week for me. Much needed I think.
We have our frozen embryo transfer on Tuesday. I've been going through the motions of the things to do to prepare for it, blood tests, timetabling, getting all the big physical jobs done in the house so I don't itch to do them when I need to be laying down and holding onto the embryo, etc etc. But I don't think I have any reality of it. I mean, I know its happening obviously, but it just seems like an event on the calender.
I thought I might be like this. Just going through the motions of it all. Then I remembered today that we have already named this embryo - Nemo. That brought a bit of reality to me. This one has a name. And then I thought of writing in my blog. That brings a bit more reality again.
And that brings - fear, nervousness, worry... I don't want to be pregnant again. It would be an understatement to say that none of my experiences have been good ones. But I do want to be a Mum and I do want to go through this process in order to get there.
I can't believe we are doing it again. We keep getting told we are courageous to try again so soon after the last time. But we are also being very supported by the fertility clinic.
Our OB believes that I am very fertile, especially for my age. That made me laugh. You're kidding right???!!! No, shes not kidding. It's just that we needed to sort things out and find the right formula - polyp removal so that I can get implantation and the right balance in my blood so that I can hold a pregnancy, and of course, we need to find the right embryo. That one little embryo that is still okay, that is not damaged by age or by genetics. It makes me wonder that if Nemo doesn't work, would it be worth trying a full round again??? Think about that later...
She is so positive - our OB. I so wish we had found her much earlier in our infertilty journey. If she had gotten to me when I was 40, instead of 43, it might have made a huge difference. But nevermind. I am a believer in the universal plan, even if I have absolutely no idea what it is!
Someone said to me the other day - "Think about the future, but live in the present". Words that we hear in different forms a lot. But it struck home. I am living more in the present, because I'm really starting to like my present. Yes, in the future, I will need to sort out my work and financial situation, but right now, I'm loving the way my life is going. I think about what I want to do for work and have put out a couple of feelers, but I don't have to worry about it right now.
Right now, I'm trying to heal from everything in my life. Trying to find the new me and create a new life. One free from the restrictions that have held me back from happiness and peacefulness and joy. One that I am proud of and makes me feel like a worthwhile human being. I think I'm a little bit further along in that journey, maybe, just maybe...
Oh and there's that little thing of our embryo transfer on Tuesday. Wish us luck!
Love and Light
xxx
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
At the pool
I'm still loving the pool and have settled into a routine of going every second day. My fitness and muscle strength are steadily increasing, my lap count and length of continuous laps also steadily increasing.
Today I felt able to push it a little further. It was tough going at the start, but by halfway through something different happened. I found myself completely zoning out. I think I went into a meditative state, just swimming stroke after stroke. It was really good.
I finished doing more laps than ever before and would have been quite happy to continue. However, I am still finding that I am so tired afterwards that I knew it would be foolish to do even more at this stage. And yes, a few hours later, I am tired. I was almost asleep on the couch when the phone rang. Good thing too. I have work to do today.
I am so over being tired all the time and I absolute refuse to give up on this journey of increasing my fitness. I want to be the person who can just go and go all day, a busy buzzy bee, with motivation and stamina! Fortunately I can afford to be exhausted after a swim now that I am on school holidays. The bookwork is done from home on my own time and I can still do it when I'm physically tired. I wonder how long it will take before I can go for a swim and not feel so weary afterwards?
It's been over four weeks now since I started at to the pool and this week I have added walking on the alternate days. I know that including the walking will tire me out even more, but eventually, surely (!) I will move past it into greater energy. And I'm also continuing to choose to do more active jobs around the house and not putting them off till later. I have a ways to go with that particular goal but I'm getting there with much better motivation than I have had for the last few months.
A friend of mine joined me for a swim a couple of weeks ago. She is also trying to increase her fitness and is joining me for walks as well. We are going to work up to doing some more strenuous bushwalking again. I can't wait!! It's wonderful to have days of exercising on my own as well as days sharing the activity. I am feeling blessed!
I am grateful to be in the place at the moment. It's been so long since I have been able to do anything else but deal with fertility and pregnancy. I am taking advantage of this brief hiatus. Hopefully it will increase my ability to deal with another pregnancy should that happen. And also then help me better be able to cope with caring for a little one.
We see our fertility OB again in two weeks to discuss transferring Nemo in my next cycle. The kinesioligist has said my body is ready as long as I stay centered and relaxed. So that is my goal. Increasing fitness and beginning a meditation practice again. And after today, I can feel that the swimming is also a form of mediation! Gotta love that!!
Love and Light
xxx
Today I felt able to push it a little further. It was tough going at the start, but by halfway through something different happened. I found myself completely zoning out. I think I went into a meditative state, just swimming stroke after stroke. It was really good.
I finished doing more laps than ever before and would have been quite happy to continue. However, I am still finding that I am so tired afterwards that I knew it would be foolish to do even more at this stage. And yes, a few hours later, I am tired. I was almost asleep on the couch when the phone rang. Good thing too. I have work to do today.
I am so over being tired all the time and I absolute refuse to give up on this journey of increasing my fitness. I want to be the person who can just go and go all day, a busy buzzy bee, with motivation and stamina! Fortunately I can afford to be exhausted after a swim now that I am on school holidays. The bookwork is done from home on my own time and I can still do it when I'm physically tired. I wonder how long it will take before I can go for a swim and not feel so weary afterwards?
It's been over four weeks now since I started at to the pool and this week I have added walking on the alternate days. I know that including the walking will tire me out even more, but eventually, surely (!) I will move past it into greater energy. And I'm also continuing to choose to do more active jobs around the house and not putting them off till later. I have a ways to go with that particular goal but I'm getting there with much better motivation than I have had for the last few months.
A friend of mine joined me for a swim a couple of weeks ago. She is also trying to increase her fitness and is joining me for walks as well. We are going to work up to doing some more strenuous bushwalking again. I can't wait!! It's wonderful to have days of exercising on my own as well as days sharing the activity. I am feeling blessed!
I am grateful to be in the place at the moment. It's been so long since I have been able to do anything else but deal with fertility and pregnancy. I am taking advantage of this brief hiatus. Hopefully it will increase my ability to deal with another pregnancy should that happen. And also then help me better be able to cope with caring for a little one.
We see our fertility OB again in two weeks to discuss transferring Nemo in my next cycle. The kinesioligist has said my body is ready as long as I stay centered and relaxed. So that is my goal. Increasing fitness and beginning a meditation practice again. And after today, I can feel that the swimming is also a form of mediation! Gotta love that!!
Love and Light
xxx
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
DNA test results
Good morning everyone. I hope you are all doing well and flourishing in this crazy world we live in!
Dave and I went for our follow up appointment with the OB on Monday. It's been 6 weeks since we lost our baby. It's hard to believe it has been so long. In some ways, it still feels like last week. In others, I can feel the healing that has been going on and we are doing so much better.
The DNA tests results showed that we had a little girl. I'm so glad to know that. I can't describe how I felt to find out, or how I feel now, but there is something about knowing the sex of our child that is wonderful. It is heartwarming.
But there was a serious genetic problem. She had Edwards Syndrome Trisomy 18. There was only a 1 in 2000 chance of us conceiving a child with this disorder. There is so much to say about how I feel about that, but first, what is Edwards Syndrome?
It is similiar to Downs Syndrome in that there is an extra chromosone. Downs Syndrome has an extra chromosome 21, Edwards Syndrome has an extra chromosone 18. It is much more serious than Downs with most children dying in utero in the second or third trimester. Some make it to full term, either being still born or living for only a week at the most. There are exceptions as always, with a rare few children living till they are older, although with severe handicaps. It is rare for any child to live past the age of 5.
How do I feel about beating the odds again, but this time in such a tragic way? Distraught. At first it was such a relief. We know what happened. It wasn't our fault. It wasn't my age or the quality of my eggs or anything that we did. It was tragic bad luck. But why, why, why? Our slim shot at parenthood ended like this. Why, why, why? Why were we that one in the 2000?
We also learnt that it is more common as you get older. The odds for a younger woman are 1 in 6000. And that is because as we got older, our bodies lose the ability to know when there is a genetic problem. A 25 year old woman wouldn't have gotten to the second trimester with a Trisomy 18 baby, because her body would have known and rejected the embryo straight away. She would have just had a late period.
But the fact is, we had prepared for a Downs child. We had already made the decision not to have an amnio. If our child was Downs, it didn't matter. We didn't care. It was our child to love and care for and treasure. But I had never heard of Edwards Syndrome. It was never mentioned by any doctor (unlike the Downs possibility) because the chances of it were so unlikely.
Yet here we are. Learning this news has set me back a ways in my healing. I am so upset by it. I feel so much for our little girl. I still love her so much. And I wish she was here with us, with just the right amount of chromosones to help her live a full and rich life. But she will always live on in my heart and I now need to deal with the knowledge of her diagnosis.
So where to from here? Today, I am making an appointment with our fertiltiy OB to begin the process of transferring our frozen embryo. One good thing from this news, is that I have a little bit of hope back. I hope that we have already done the "1 in however many" chance of genetic problems. I have hope that now we will now be the 1999 in 2000 chance of having a healthy child. The problem is that we also beat the odds in getting pregnant in the first place. I don't have a lot of hope that we can do it again.
Our frozen embryo is called "Nemo". Dave gave it that name when it first went to be frozen. It has a nickname already. That's gotta be a good thing.
Love and Light
xxx
Dave and I went for our follow up appointment with the OB on Monday. It's been 6 weeks since we lost our baby. It's hard to believe it has been so long. In some ways, it still feels like last week. In others, I can feel the healing that has been going on and we are doing so much better.
The DNA tests results showed that we had a little girl. I'm so glad to know that. I can't describe how I felt to find out, or how I feel now, but there is something about knowing the sex of our child that is wonderful. It is heartwarming.
But there was a serious genetic problem. She had Edwards Syndrome Trisomy 18. There was only a 1 in 2000 chance of us conceiving a child with this disorder. There is so much to say about how I feel about that, but first, what is Edwards Syndrome?
It is similiar to Downs Syndrome in that there is an extra chromosone. Downs Syndrome has an extra chromosome 21, Edwards Syndrome has an extra chromosone 18. It is much more serious than Downs with most children dying in utero in the second or third trimester. Some make it to full term, either being still born or living for only a week at the most. There are exceptions as always, with a rare few children living till they are older, although with severe handicaps. It is rare for any child to live past the age of 5.
How do I feel about beating the odds again, but this time in such a tragic way? Distraught. At first it was such a relief. We know what happened. It wasn't our fault. It wasn't my age or the quality of my eggs or anything that we did. It was tragic bad luck. But why, why, why? Our slim shot at parenthood ended like this. Why, why, why? Why were we that one in the 2000?
We also learnt that it is more common as you get older. The odds for a younger woman are 1 in 6000. And that is because as we got older, our bodies lose the ability to know when there is a genetic problem. A 25 year old woman wouldn't have gotten to the second trimester with a Trisomy 18 baby, because her body would have known and rejected the embryo straight away. She would have just had a late period.
But the fact is, we had prepared for a Downs child. We had already made the decision not to have an amnio. If our child was Downs, it didn't matter. We didn't care. It was our child to love and care for and treasure. But I had never heard of Edwards Syndrome. It was never mentioned by any doctor (unlike the Downs possibility) because the chances of it were so unlikely.
Yet here we are. Learning this news has set me back a ways in my healing. I am so upset by it. I feel so much for our little girl. I still love her so much. And I wish she was here with us, with just the right amount of chromosones to help her live a full and rich life. But she will always live on in my heart and I now need to deal with the knowledge of her diagnosis.
So where to from here? Today, I am making an appointment with our fertiltiy OB to begin the process of transferring our frozen embryo. One good thing from this news, is that I have a little bit of hope back. I hope that we have already done the "1 in however many" chance of genetic problems. I have hope that now we will now be the 1999 in 2000 chance of having a healthy child. The problem is that we also beat the odds in getting pregnant in the first place. I don't have a lot of hope that we can do it again.
Our frozen embryo is called "Nemo". Dave gave it that name when it first went to be frozen. It has a nickname already. That's gotta be a good thing.
Love and Light
xxx
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
A different two week wait
Yesterday's scan also saw the end of our time with the fertility clinic. Gosh, it seems so weird to say that. Fertility clinics in some form or another have been a part of our lives for four years. And we were with our current one for 18 months.
At the end of the session, they gave us a goodie bag filled with samples of baby things and baby and pregnancy magazines. It was exciting but also scary. It just seems a bit too soon for all of that stuff.
I do feel pretty good with it all, though. My goodness, we have never gotten this far before. To know that there is a little heart beating away inside me. It's amazing! But I will be continuing to pray and meditate and keep my fingers crossed especially up until our 12 week scan.
I'm excited to be going to our new OB in two weeks. He comes highly recommended from Louise and they work quite closely together. Two weeks seems a long way away though. The longest I've gone in between checking on our progress is a week! I'm going to need to use all my deep breathing and calming techniques to stop myself from worrying. "Everything is going well" will need to be my mantra. "Everything is going well" "Everything is going well" "Everything is going well".
One of my friends is now in a position in her relationship where they are thinking about having children and she has begun taking pre-conception supplements. She is 42. I so hope it's not going to be as hard for her as it was for me. I don't know that my experience will be able to help her either. She is very strong willed in her beliefs and has to work things out in her own way. But I will be there for her no matter what happens.
No-one can really understand what it is like to be infertile if they haven't been through it. And I know how extraordinarily helpful and supportive it has been to have been able to connect with other women through their infertile blogs. I have two wonderful friends who have been incredibly supportive but no-one in real life who has experienced infertility. She can. I'd like to think that she doesn't have a long road ahead of her and perhaps we will even be pregnant together. But I know all too well about the problems with the aging of ones eggs after 40. And she has less time to work it out than I did. I started at 40. I have my fingers crossed for her as well!!
In the meantime, I am happy for myself. I am happy to finally be pregnant with a heartbeat. I am in disbelief that we have finished at the fertility clinic! I am doing my best to be careful and healthy for our baby to give it the best chance I can. And I am waiting. Waiting to see what happens, waiting to see the OB, waiting to be able to say second trimester.
Fingers crossed.
Love and light
xxx
At the end of the session, they gave us a goodie bag filled with samples of baby things and baby and pregnancy magazines. It was exciting but also scary. It just seems a bit too soon for all of that stuff.
I do feel pretty good with it all, though. My goodness, we have never gotten this far before. To know that there is a little heart beating away inside me. It's amazing! But I will be continuing to pray and meditate and keep my fingers crossed especially up until our 12 week scan.
I'm excited to be going to our new OB in two weeks. He comes highly recommended from Louise and they work quite closely together. Two weeks seems a long way away though. The longest I've gone in between checking on our progress is a week! I'm going to need to use all my deep breathing and calming techniques to stop myself from worrying. "Everything is going well" will need to be my mantra. "Everything is going well" "Everything is going well" "Everything is going well".
One of my friends is now in a position in her relationship where they are thinking about having children and she has begun taking pre-conception supplements. She is 42. I so hope it's not going to be as hard for her as it was for me. I don't know that my experience will be able to help her either. She is very strong willed in her beliefs and has to work things out in her own way. But I will be there for her no matter what happens.
No-one can really understand what it is like to be infertile if they haven't been through it. And I know how extraordinarily helpful and supportive it has been to have been able to connect with other women through their infertile blogs. I have two wonderful friends who have been incredibly supportive but no-one in real life who has experienced infertility. She can. I'd like to think that she doesn't have a long road ahead of her and perhaps we will even be pregnant together. But I know all too well about the problems with the aging of ones eggs after 40. And she has less time to work it out than I did. I started at 40. I have my fingers crossed for her as well!!
In the meantime, I am happy for myself. I am happy to finally be pregnant with a heartbeat. I am in disbelief that we have finished at the fertility clinic! I am doing my best to be careful and healthy for our baby to give it the best chance I can. And I am waiting. Waiting to see what happens, waiting to see the OB, waiting to be able to say second trimester.
Fingers crossed.
Love and light
xxx
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Second Scan at 8 weeks
Our second scan and its still good news! Dave has finally started letting himself feel excited about it now. Things are progressing so well.
I was so nervous and anxious going into the scan. Please let there still be a heartbeat, show me the heartbeat... and there it was! Beating faster than last time, exactly as it should be, and bubby has grown beautifully. This time he/she measured exactly as he/she should. Pheww!!
Our OB is really pleased and the nurse actually put her hand on my knee and said "it looks like this one is going to go all the way". Not something they would say lightly in a fertility clinic!
I didn't mention last week about the nausea that I felt which started Sunday night and didn't start easing until after the scan Monday night. By Tuesday it was gone. I assumed it was the start of morning sickness. But I haven't felt that way since and there is only one possible reason for it - unconsciously I was sick with worry about our first scan. I wasn't feeling it on the outside, but boy did my body manifest how I was feeling internally. I couldn't eat all day Monday. Dave made some soup for dinner and I was able to get some of that down, but I was so ill all day. The OB asked me if I thought it was nerves. I didn't know at the time. But now I do. I was ill with unconscious worry. It's amazing how the body will manifest things even if we don't consciously know that we are feeling a certain way.
So, aside from a few moments of feeling nauseus this week - in a different way than I felt on Monday - I have had no morning sickness at all. No vomiting at all. I am feeling quite blessed that I am one of the 25% of women that don't get it - so far at least!! lol. I had always been told that morning sickness was a good sign, so when I didn't get it, of course there was a little bit of concern. But I asked Louise yesterday, and she said she didn't get it either. That's it's all good.
Thank goodness. And I have to say, is I deserve a bit of a relief from something with all that I've gone through, particularly in the last 6 months. Yea!!!
Dave took a video of the monitor showing our babies beating heart and we get photos in the mail next week. So, we are now starting babies photo and video collection! That's exciting!
I know we still have 5 weeks to go before we can feel safe and clear, but it feels really exciting now. I'm starting to feel like this baby is a part of me and thats a good feeling.
I've had people telling me stories of women who miscarried at 12 weeks. Why do they tell us things like that at this stage?? I know we are still at risk and so many things can go wrong, but I don't want to think that way. This is an exciting time and I intend to try to bring only positive energy and good thoughts into my body and spirit. All is going well!
Love and Light
xxx
I was so nervous and anxious going into the scan. Please let there still be a heartbeat, show me the heartbeat... and there it was! Beating faster than last time, exactly as it should be, and bubby has grown beautifully. This time he/she measured exactly as he/she should. Pheww!!
Our OB is really pleased and the nurse actually put her hand on my knee and said "it looks like this one is going to go all the way". Not something they would say lightly in a fertility clinic!
I didn't mention last week about the nausea that I felt which started Sunday night and didn't start easing until after the scan Monday night. By Tuesday it was gone. I assumed it was the start of morning sickness. But I haven't felt that way since and there is only one possible reason for it - unconsciously I was sick with worry about our first scan. I wasn't feeling it on the outside, but boy did my body manifest how I was feeling internally. I couldn't eat all day Monday. Dave made some soup for dinner and I was able to get some of that down, but I was so ill all day. The OB asked me if I thought it was nerves. I didn't know at the time. But now I do. I was ill with unconscious worry. It's amazing how the body will manifest things even if we don't consciously know that we are feeling a certain way.
So, aside from a few moments of feeling nauseus this week - in a different way than I felt on Monday - I have had no morning sickness at all. No vomiting at all. I am feeling quite blessed that I am one of the 25% of women that don't get it - so far at least!! lol. I had always been told that morning sickness was a good sign, so when I didn't get it, of course there was a little bit of concern. But I asked Louise yesterday, and she said she didn't get it either. That's it's all good.
Thank goodness. And I have to say, is I deserve a bit of a relief from something with all that I've gone through, particularly in the last 6 months. Yea!!!
Dave took a video of the monitor showing our babies beating heart and we get photos in the mail next week. So, we are now starting babies photo and video collection! That's exciting!
I know we still have 5 weeks to go before we can feel safe and clear, but it feels really exciting now. I'm starting to feel like this baby is a part of me and thats a good feeling.
I've had people telling me stories of women who miscarried at 12 weeks. Why do they tell us things like that at this stage?? I know we are still at risk and so many things can go wrong, but I don't want to think that way. This is an exciting time and I intend to try to bring only positive energy and good thoughts into my body and spirit. All is going well!
Love and Light
xxx
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Third blood test
We had our third blood test on Monday - at 5 weeks/Day 35 - and things are still looking good. My HCG levels had risen to 1938 - up from 265 on Friday. Working on the premise of them doubling every two days, I didn't expect them to be that high. However, the nurse said that was where they would expect them to be and on looking up an on-line chart, it was confirmed.
Going from this chart, it looks like we may only have one, not two bubbies growing. But until confirmed, I am going to continue talking to two of them!
Our first scan has been cancelled now. This clinic will just wait for the seven week scan (rather than doing a six week scan as well), which in my case, will be seven and a half weeks (fingers crossed!). I am a little disappointed, but I understand. They feel that there wouldn't be much to see any earlier than that and there certainly wouldn't be a heartbeat, so it wouldn't be to my advantage to scan earlier.
As long as I keep getting regularly checked with blood tests so I know things are going ok, then that will be alright.
It is up to me how often I get blood tested. The OB says that at this stage, they will do whatever I need to feel comfortable and not stressed. Isn't that amazing??? It's such a great clinic! And our OB Louise is just awesome. And while I am debating with myself about getting tested on Friday, I think Monday will be fine. A week will give us a really good idea on what is happening and besides, it is stressful waiting for the results of tests as well!!
I am still nervous about it all. I think it will be quite some time before that disappears. Each test has helped me to feel better and I hope that each upcoming test will continue in the same way.
In the meantime, I keep remembering to TRUST. It helps me so much to just let go and accept. It brings a joy over the pregnancy and a feeling of letting go of all the worries that I have. I just have to say it constantly, because I keep forgetting!
There are so many people out there, including us, praying for us and have their fingers crossed that our pregnacy continues to blossom. It is wonderful to know how we are being supported by our friends and family and also by Spirit.
HCG Levels in Single and Twin Pregnancy
| ||
Days from LMP*
|
HCG Range** for Singleton Pregnancy
|
HCG Range for Multiple Pregnancy
|
28
|
9.4-120
|
9.5-120
|
33
|
300-600
|
200-1,800
|
36
|
1,200-1,800
|
2,400-36,000
|
40
|
2,400-4,800
|
8,700-108,000
|
45
|
12,000-60,000
|
72,000-180,000
|
70
|
96,000-144,000
|
348,000-480,000
|
Going from this chart, it looks like we may only have one, not two bubbies growing. But until confirmed, I am going to continue talking to two of them!
Our first scan has been cancelled now. This clinic will just wait for the seven week scan (rather than doing a six week scan as well), which in my case, will be seven and a half weeks (fingers crossed!). I am a little disappointed, but I understand. They feel that there wouldn't be much to see any earlier than that and there certainly wouldn't be a heartbeat, so it wouldn't be to my advantage to scan earlier.
As long as I keep getting regularly checked with blood tests so I know things are going ok, then that will be alright.
It is up to me how often I get blood tested. The OB says that at this stage, they will do whatever I need to feel comfortable and not stressed. Isn't that amazing??? It's such a great clinic! And our OB Louise is just awesome. And while I am debating with myself about getting tested on Friday, I think Monday will be fine. A week will give us a really good idea on what is happening and besides, it is stressful waiting for the results of tests as well!!
I am still nervous about it all. I think it will be quite some time before that disappears. Each test has helped me to feel better and I hope that each upcoming test will continue in the same way.
In the meantime, I keep remembering to TRUST. It helps me so much to just let go and accept. It brings a joy over the pregnancy and a feeling of letting go of all the worries that I have. I just have to say it constantly, because I keep forgetting!
There are so many people out there, including us, praying for us and have their fingers crossed that our pregnacy continues to blossom. It is wonderful to know how we are being supported by our friends and family and also by Spirit.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Follow up test
After a stressful couple of days, todays test results show that our pregnancy is progressing really well!!! HCG levels have gone from 99 two days ago, to 265 today - they've nearly tripled!!
I am SO relieved! We are still pregnant!
It's been a tough two days. Once the initial excitement were off, I started worrying. Please, please, please embies, keep growing, snuggle in, HCG levels keep rising. I've been so scared. I've been really trying not to but it's just been there. Waiting for these results have been so much harder than waiting for the initial result saying we were pregnant. It felt like there was so much more at stake.
And then I started spotting a little. The leftover crinone began releasing with specks of colour in it. Mostly the colour was brown, but sometimes it wasn't so brown. And then today I started spotting more. Once again though, mostly old blood. The times when it wasn't quite brown absolutely terrified me.
And the results took so long to come in. I was expecting them by 2 pm at the latest. They didn't come in till 5 pm. It's been a tough day. But finally they arrived and I couldn't believe the number. 265!!!
The nurse said not to worry about the spotting. The crinone release is normal and as long as the blood is old it is all good. As for the couple of times I felt it wasn't quite old, she said is could be anything. Implantation blood even. Shes taken note of it and will follow up on Monday but she said not to worry. That my levels were terrific. And we are doing everything that needs to be done. She said go away and have a relaxing Easter! Things are progressing well.
I go in again on Monday for a final follow up blood test. That one should be around 1000 in hcg levels. So fingers crossed.
A friend said today that I just need to trust. TRUST. It is a good word. A reassuring word. A word of faith and belief. A word of confidence. A word of peacefulness, serenity, love. I like it.
This afternoon I started wearing around my wrist, the pouch of buddhist prayers my dear friend brought back from Japan with me. It is the one that I had with me on our wedding day, and I took with me to both the egg harvest and embryo transfer. It really helped me to settle down a little this afternoon. And I guess it brought with it Trust and Faith.
It is still on my wrist!
So now I go away with Trust in my heart and soul and know that once again we are progressing well through each step of the IVF process.
I am SO relieved! We are still pregnant!
It's been a tough two days. Once the initial excitement were off, I started worrying. Please, please, please embies, keep growing, snuggle in, HCG levels keep rising. I've been so scared. I've been really trying not to but it's just been there. Waiting for these results have been so much harder than waiting for the initial result saying we were pregnant. It felt like there was so much more at stake.
And then I started spotting a little. The leftover crinone began releasing with specks of colour in it. Mostly the colour was brown, but sometimes it wasn't so brown. And then today I started spotting more. Once again though, mostly old blood. The times when it wasn't quite brown absolutely terrified me.
And the results took so long to come in. I was expecting them by 2 pm at the latest. They didn't come in till 5 pm. It's been a tough day. But finally they arrived and I couldn't believe the number. 265!!!
The nurse said not to worry about the spotting. The crinone release is normal and as long as the blood is old it is all good. As for the couple of times I felt it wasn't quite old, she said is could be anything. Implantation blood even. Shes taken note of it and will follow up on Monday but she said not to worry. That my levels were terrific. And we are doing everything that needs to be done. She said go away and have a relaxing Easter! Things are progressing well.
I go in again on Monday for a final follow up blood test. That one should be around 1000 in hcg levels. So fingers crossed.
A friend said today that I just need to trust. TRUST. It is a good word. A reassuring word. A word of faith and belief. A word of confidence. A word of peacefulness, serenity, love. I like it.
This afternoon I started wearing around my wrist, the pouch of buddhist prayers my dear friend brought back from Japan with me. It is the one that I had with me on our wedding day, and I took with me to both the egg harvest and embryo transfer. It really helped me to settle down a little this afternoon. And I guess it brought with it Trust and Faith.
It is still on my wrist!
So now I go away with Trust in my heart and soul and know that once again we are progressing well through each step of the IVF process.
Monday, March 18, 2013
A new symptom and some relief!
I had to call the clinic today because, just to add to the list of side effects and things I have to take, I have developed thrush! I was worried about what that would do to the potential pregnancy and what I could take to treat it. In the past, the only thing that has worked for me has been the one dose tablet, the creams have never been successful. However I can't take the tablet, I have to do the cream, so fingers crossed it works. That means in the morning I do the thrush cream and in the evening the crinone. Ah, the things we do!! I was warned it might all be a little messy. Ooooooo!!
I am just completely relieved that the thrush infection will not harm the embryos. The nurse said that some women do get thrush as a result of all the hormones we are taking. I haven't experienced it before so something different yet again for this cycle! I found it amazing how every cycle has been so different. Our bodies are just incredible works of art!
It was really good to talk to the nurses today after having the weekend with no contact. I guess I built up a few questions without realising it because I asked a lot and learnt a lot!
I was relieved to know that the only thing that will affect the embryos is overheating. Not any activity I do such as housework etc. I must make sure my core temperature does not get too high. All the other pains I have been having are the ovaries still healing from theatre and the multitude of hormones - nothing to do with the embryos. Phewww! I did suspect that, going on the position of the pain, but it was a relief to hear it from the professionals.
Jane (my fav nurse!) said that I can do all my activities as normal, but as soon as I feel any pain to stop and either not do it, or pass it on to Dave.
I have been feeling a lot better today and managed a medium paced 30 minute walk this morning. I stayed close to home, walking back and forth along the streets, in case I needed to come back and I was definitely ready to return after 25 minutes. I've also done a little bit of housework but found that it stirred up some ovary pain and discomfort and I stopped.
So, its still been resting today and light activities. I've sorted out my school bag (small suitcase on wheels) so I'm not carrying so many teaching materials and that has left me enough space to put my computer in the suitcase. One less thing over my shoulder. I will get Dave to weigh it tonight and make sure it is not over 10 kilos - the limit the OB said I should lift. I only have a short day tomorrow, so that will be good.
I feel a large sense of relief at what I have learnt today. My babies are secure and safe and hopefully continuing to grow and flourish.
Love and Light
xx
I am just completely relieved that the thrush infection will not harm the embryos. The nurse said that some women do get thrush as a result of all the hormones we are taking. I haven't experienced it before so something different yet again for this cycle! I found it amazing how every cycle has been so different. Our bodies are just incredible works of art!
It was really good to talk to the nurses today after having the weekend with no contact. I guess I built up a few questions without realising it because I asked a lot and learnt a lot!
I was relieved to know that the only thing that will affect the embryos is overheating. Not any activity I do such as housework etc. I must make sure my core temperature does not get too high. All the other pains I have been having are the ovaries still healing from theatre and the multitude of hormones - nothing to do with the embryos. Phewww! I did suspect that, going on the position of the pain, but it was a relief to hear it from the professionals.
Jane (my fav nurse!) said that I can do all my activities as normal, but as soon as I feel any pain to stop and either not do it, or pass it on to Dave.
I have been feeling a lot better today and managed a medium paced 30 minute walk this morning. I stayed close to home, walking back and forth along the streets, in case I needed to come back and I was definitely ready to return after 25 minutes. I've also done a little bit of housework but found that it stirred up some ovary pain and discomfort and I stopped.
So, its still been resting today and light activities. I've sorted out my school bag (small suitcase on wheels) so I'm not carrying so many teaching materials and that has left me enough space to put my computer in the suitcase. One less thing over my shoulder. I will get Dave to weigh it tonight and make sure it is not over 10 kilos - the limit the OB said I should lift. I only have a short day tomorrow, so that will be good.
I feel a large sense of relief at what I have learnt today. My babies are secure and safe and hopefully continuing to grow and flourish.
Love and Light
xx
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Post Theatre
Theatre went well yesterday.
Aside from the anaesthetist who, upon having trouble getting the needle into my hand, tried to put it into my wrist instead. The pain was excriating. He then gave me gas to relax me so he could try to get it into my other hand. Of course I was even more tense after what he had just done to my hand and wrist! And I hated the gas as well. It was awful. But finally the needle went in the other hand. Why he didn't try my other hand first before trying my wrist is beyond me.
When I woke from theatre the only pain I had was the excriating pain in my wrist. My abdomen was fine! I couldn't move my arm at all without agony. My wrist was iced by the nurses and a cream put on it to try to bring out the bruising and encourage faster healing. Today it is better, but I still need to be careful. I can type in short bursts (this post is taking a long time to put together!), but I can't undo bottles/jars or do up my bra! I made sure to get dressed before Dave left for work so he could help me :) So, no permanent damage to my wrist thank goodness. Just a really nasty bruise covering my inner wrist and a dark red blotch where the needle went in.
We got 7 eggs which the OB was happy with. I was hoping for 8-10, but 7 is still good. After all, we only need one good one! Of those 7, one was immature and one didn't fertilise. So we have 5 embryos starting to grow! Fingers crossed they continue to grow!
Wednesday I start the Crinone (progesterone cream).
Thursday I start aspirin 100 mg and Clexane 40 mg.
One of the results of my multiple blood screenings was that I have a problem with blood clotting. I don't know what that means in regards to my overall health, I will investigate that further later on. But in regards to pregnancy, it means that it can be more difficult for implantation to fully take hold. So, I will be on these two drugs until further notice. The clexane is another daily injection - just great! Not!
Friday we go in for the transfer - fingers crossed of course that we get at least one good embryo.
Monday I go into the clinic for a pregnyl 500iu injection. I haven't had this one before either. This one helps keep the lining of the womb all nice and juicy for implantation.
And then on Wednesday the 27th, if I haven't started my period, I go in for a pregnancy test.
My OB is pulling out all the stops for this one. Giving it everything she can. I'm glad. Because I really don't think I can go through it again. Especially theatre. The anxiety I feel going in there is so high and I so wanted to jump off that bed and say "I'm calling it off, I'm calling it off". But of course I didn't.
And theatre is still not the end of it as you can see from the list above. I'm tired of being poked and prodded. I'm tired of feeling so many array of emotions and physical symptoms. I'm really tired of injections. My coping skills are really struggling with that one.
Please, please, please let this one work.
Aside from the anaesthetist who, upon having trouble getting the needle into my hand, tried to put it into my wrist instead. The pain was excriating. He then gave me gas to relax me so he could try to get it into my other hand. Of course I was even more tense after what he had just done to my hand and wrist! And I hated the gas as well. It was awful. But finally the needle went in the other hand. Why he didn't try my other hand first before trying my wrist is beyond me.
When I woke from theatre the only pain I had was the excriating pain in my wrist. My abdomen was fine! I couldn't move my arm at all without agony. My wrist was iced by the nurses and a cream put on it to try to bring out the bruising and encourage faster healing. Today it is better, but I still need to be careful. I can type in short bursts (this post is taking a long time to put together!), but I can't undo bottles/jars or do up my bra! I made sure to get dressed before Dave left for work so he could help me :) So, no permanent damage to my wrist thank goodness. Just a really nasty bruise covering my inner wrist and a dark red blotch where the needle went in.
We got 7 eggs which the OB was happy with. I was hoping for 8-10, but 7 is still good. After all, we only need one good one! Of those 7, one was immature and one didn't fertilise. So we have 5 embryos starting to grow! Fingers crossed they continue to grow!
Wednesday I start the Crinone (progesterone cream).
Thursday I start aspirin 100 mg and Clexane 40 mg.
One of the results of my multiple blood screenings was that I have a problem with blood clotting. I don't know what that means in regards to my overall health, I will investigate that further later on. But in regards to pregnancy, it means that it can be more difficult for implantation to fully take hold. So, I will be on these two drugs until further notice. The clexane is another daily injection - just great! Not!
Friday we go in for the transfer - fingers crossed of course that we get at least one good embryo.
Monday I go into the clinic for a pregnyl 500iu injection. I haven't had this one before either. This one helps keep the lining of the womb all nice and juicy for implantation.
And then on Wednesday the 27th, if I haven't started my period, I go in for a pregnancy test.
My OB is pulling out all the stops for this one. Giving it everything she can. I'm glad. Because I really don't think I can go through it again. Especially theatre. The anxiety I feel going in there is so high and I so wanted to jump off that bed and say "I'm calling it off, I'm calling it off". But of course I didn't.
And theatre is still not the end of it as you can see from the list above. I'm tired of being poked and prodded. I'm tired of feeling so many array of emotions and physical symptoms. I'm really tired of injections. My coping skills are really struggling with that one.
Please, please, please let this one work.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Here we go!
Day 1 today. Here we go on Round 4!
I must admit to being extremely nervous this time around. Mostly because Dave is not here. He is away until the end of next week, so I am doing the first two weeks all by myself this time. Injections, emotions, tiredness etc etc without his support. I know he would rather be here with me, but he can't. And I am scared.
I've gone through so much all ready this year. It was good for a while to be able to grieve in my own space without him here, but after a while it became difficult to go through it all alone. My friends have started calling me a "wine vintage widow". It's been full on for him this season. I've never seen it like this. But hopefully all the hard work, the stress and hours on the road will pay off.
I start this round with Day 2 blood tests tomorrow. We are testing for the usual FSH, Prog, E2 to see how effective this round might be, but also for HCG just to make sure I'm not pregnant. Not that is really any chance of that and the start of this period feels normal, not the like the last time when it turned out I was pregnant.
I go to the clinic tomorrow to pick up the drugs and we will sort out the rest of the dates. I begin taking the puregon tomorrow. This time, the OB has increased the dosage to 300 in the hope of getting a few more eggs, but not enough that I will get ovarian hyper stimulation - it's all such a fine balance!
Wish me luck!
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Today's photo - one of the fun ones!
I must admit to being extremely nervous this time around. Mostly because Dave is not here. He is away until the end of next week, so I am doing the first two weeks all by myself this time. Injections, emotions, tiredness etc etc without his support. I know he would rather be here with me, but he can't. And I am scared.
I've gone through so much all ready this year. It was good for a while to be able to grieve in my own space without him here, but after a while it became difficult to go through it all alone. My friends have started calling me a "wine vintage widow". It's been full on for him this season. I've never seen it like this. But hopefully all the hard work, the stress and hours on the road will pay off.
I start this round with Day 2 blood tests tomorrow. We are testing for the usual FSH, Prog, E2 to see how effective this round might be, but also for HCG just to make sure I'm not pregnant. Not that is really any chance of that and the start of this period feels normal, not the like the last time when it turned out I was pregnant.
I go to the clinic tomorrow to pick up the drugs and we will sort out the rest of the dates. I begin taking the puregon tomorrow. This time, the OB has increased the dosage to 300 in the hope of getting a few more eggs, but not enough that I will get ovarian hyper stimulation - it's all such a fine balance!
Wish me luck!
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Today's photo - one of the fun ones!
Sunday, February 24, 2013
The next step toward parenthood
Friday saw us back to the fertility clinic for our OB appointment. It was the first time we have ever seen a real hopefulness from her! She has always been very supportive and encouraging and has always maintained our own sense of hope, but she was always conservative in her own beliefs for our success. My age, history and her own experience of woman in their 40's was the reason for her conservativeness.
Now however, things have changed - both for her and us. In the last two weeks, she has had success with another woman in my age bracket and she is so excited about it! That, along with my last two natural pregnancies has given her much cause for hope and she is doing everything she can to try to reach another good outcome! She is just as eager as we are to find that one, or two!, good embryos.
That gives us even more hope!
While my insulin tests are still in the normal range, they are on the high end. Always on the cutting edge, our OB has been involved in new research that has shown that high insulin can be a factor in miscarriages. So, I have been put on a low dosage medication to bring my insulin levels down. The only problem is that I think I may be suspectible to the one side effect she mentioned - gastro. Yesterday was my first day on the meds and last night showed an inkling of that side effect. We will see how things go!!
Everything is in place now for our next ICSI round to begin when I start my next cycle. Dave hit the road this morning for a two week work trip, so I will have to inject myself for a little while. If I don't start for another week (which I am guessing will probably be the case), he will be back in plenty of time for his part in the process. Otherwise he will cut his work trip short, which would be a real pain in the neck for him. Fingers crossed the timing all works out for the best.
I am looking forward to starting again. I really am hopeful and, no matter what happens during the round, I love being pro-active in our journey toward parenthood. I love knowing that we are being treated and monitored toward pregnancy, taking out the random chance that we have lived with for so long. Bring it on!!
Life has continued to be better for me. I am still feeling much more energized and my enthusiasm for life is still growing back to its normal state! I am grateful to be on the healing side of the last two miscarriages.
--------------------------
So, now for the wedding picture! I loved this spot and found it through another bride who got married at our venue a few weeks before hand. The wedding co-ordinator said it was roughly "over there somewhere!!", so a week before our wedding, I went to the national park next to the venue and hunted through until I found this location just a short 5 minute walk away from the gate.
Now however, things have changed - both for her and us. In the last two weeks, she has had success with another woman in my age bracket and she is so excited about it! That, along with my last two natural pregnancies has given her much cause for hope and she is doing everything she can to try to reach another good outcome! She is just as eager as we are to find that one, or two!, good embryos.
That gives us even more hope!
While my insulin tests are still in the normal range, they are on the high end. Always on the cutting edge, our OB has been involved in new research that has shown that high insulin can be a factor in miscarriages. So, I have been put on a low dosage medication to bring my insulin levels down. The only problem is that I think I may be suspectible to the one side effect she mentioned - gastro. Yesterday was my first day on the meds and last night showed an inkling of that side effect. We will see how things go!!
Everything is in place now for our next ICSI round to begin when I start my next cycle. Dave hit the road this morning for a two week work trip, so I will have to inject myself for a little while. If I don't start for another week (which I am guessing will probably be the case), he will be back in plenty of time for his part in the process. Otherwise he will cut his work trip short, which would be a real pain in the neck for him. Fingers crossed the timing all works out for the best.
I am looking forward to starting again. I really am hopeful and, no matter what happens during the round, I love being pro-active in our journey toward parenthood. I love knowing that we are being treated and monitored toward pregnancy, taking out the random chance that we have lived with for so long. Bring it on!!
Life has continued to be better for me. I am still feeling much more energized and my enthusiasm for life is still growing back to its normal state! I am grateful to be on the healing side of the last two miscarriages.
--------------------------
So, now for the wedding picture! I loved this spot and found it through another bride who got married at our venue a few weeks before hand. The wedding co-ordinator said it was roughly "over there somewhere!!", so a week before our wedding, I went to the national park next to the venue and hunted through until I found this location just a short 5 minute walk away from the gate.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Professional help
A few months ago, I took advantage of the free counselling service they have the fertility clinic. I needed to talk to a professional about all that had been going on. The lady was really good and it was so helpful to talk to her.
In the process of my session, the issues of my eating addiction came up. She recommended another shrink who she believed would really be able to help me. This lady, Shona, is just amazing. I've had 7 sessions with her and they have been amazing and intense and really helpful. But my allocated sessions have run out, so I needed to go and have a review with the doctor to get 4 more assisted sessions.
My doctor has been good with our fertility journey and I told the doctor about the last two miscarriages. She added a second reason that I still needed counselling - grief.
I've often talked about the loss I feel, but understanding that there is grief surrounding that loss makes so much sense. I'd shut down, not able to function, not interested in anything. All symptoms of grief. My kinesiologist came up with the fact that I am dealing with a feeling of being let down. It is good to be able to put some words to the confusing array of feelings that I have been having.
I started back at work today. It was good to have a routine in the day. It was a good day.
I'm also going to the naturopath on Thursday. I am taking a naturopathic supplement for depression, but it's low dose and is not really working. There was another one I used to take that worked much better so I will talk to about that and all the other difficulties I am struggling with right now. It's time to get back on track. I've been shut down long enough.
In the process of my session, the issues of my eating addiction came up. She recommended another shrink who she believed would really be able to help me. This lady, Shona, is just amazing. I've had 7 sessions with her and they have been amazing and intense and really helpful. But my allocated sessions have run out, so I needed to go and have a review with the doctor to get 4 more assisted sessions.
My doctor has been good with our fertility journey and I told the doctor about the last two miscarriages. She added a second reason that I still needed counselling - grief.
I've often talked about the loss I feel, but understanding that there is grief surrounding that loss makes so much sense. I'd shut down, not able to function, not interested in anything. All symptoms of grief. My kinesiologist came up with the fact that I am dealing with a feeling of being let down. It is good to be able to put some words to the confusing array of feelings that I have been having.
I started back at work today. It was good to have a routine in the day. It was a good day.
I'm also going to the naturopath on Thursday. I am taking a naturopathic supplement for depression, but it's low dose and is not really working. There was another one I used to take that worked much better so I will talk to about that and all the other difficulties I am struggling with right now. It's time to get back on track. I've been shut down long enough.
Monday, November 12, 2012
IVF round two
Round Two was a long time ago now. Back in August I think. Once again there were complications.
After my first scan to check the progress of the follicular growth, it was discovered that I had a polyp on my uterine wall. The clinic sent me off for a 3D scan to get a good look at it.
The waiting room for the 3D scan was filled with pregnant women with their young children running around their feet. They were there to get a look at their new growing child. I was there from complications with just trying to get one. But the scan staff were fantastic, kind and caring and the experience went off without a hitch.
The polyp was confirmed and that meant that during my harvest surgery, they would remove it. It also meant that any embryos would need to be frozen because they wouldn't be able to be put transfer them after the surgery to remove the polyp.
The surgery turned out to be a little more complicated, because the polyp was embedded in the uterine wall. Rather than tying it off and removing it, they had to cut into the wall and dig it out. Yuck!!!
And also my ovaries had decided to hide away and they had to push and prod them into place to get out the follicles. Unfortunately, they weren't able to get them all.
We only got 6 eggs that round. I think five of them fertilised, but only one grew to a size that was valid. However, that one was a much better quality than the one we got last time. So, it was frozen and is waiting for us to implant.
Our Round Three was going to just be a harvest. We were going to freeze any embryos we got rather than implanting straight away. The reasons were multiple.
One, there is quite an argument now about whether it is better to freeze and implant into a natural cycle or put the fresh embryos into a stimulated cycle. Many clinics are now exclusively doing the freeze and implant later.
Second, I was really keen to do a harvest and freeze before we left for our honeymoon. Every month that passes, is a month more aging of my eggs. I so wanted to get some more and not let two more months pass. So, that is another thing so dissappointing about our round three. We weren't able to get any embryos.
My OB is on the fence with regards to natural versus frozen transfer. However, with the other circumstances going on for us right now that would cause emotional stress which is not good for the success of a round, she agreed that it was best to freeze and implant in January. With that not happening due to the complications of round three, we will probably do a full round including fresh transfer in January, rather than freeze.
Now, I am concerned about the timing of round 4. It all depends on when my next period occurs. They have predicted 10 - 14 days after the trigger injection. Which means I could start my period after that during the Christmas/New Year week when they are closed. That would just suck. So when I go for my blood tests on Friday, I will talk them about all of that. We still have the drugs, so it is possible we will be able to start ourselves for the first few days and see them straight away in the the New Year. Or maybe we will just conceive naturally on our honeymoon cruise to New Zealand!!! Now that would be awesome!! And the timing could be right!
January will be a great month for me to do a round. It will be the summer holidays, I will be totally relaxed and refreshed from our cruise and I will be stress free with no work until February. Keep your fingers crossed that it all works out.
After my first scan to check the progress of the follicular growth, it was discovered that I had a polyp on my uterine wall. The clinic sent me off for a 3D scan to get a good look at it.
The waiting room for the 3D scan was filled with pregnant women with their young children running around their feet. They were there to get a look at their new growing child. I was there from complications with just trying to get one. But the scan staff were fantastic, kind and caring and the experience went off without a hitch.
The polyp was confirmed and that meant that during my harvest surgery, they would remove it. It also meant that any embryos would need to be frozen because they wouldn't be able to be put transfer them after the surgery to remove the polyp.
The surgery turned out to be a little more complicated, because the polyp was embedded in the uterine wall. Rather than tying it off and removing it, they had to cut into the wall and dig it out. Yuck!!!
And also my ovaries had decided to hide away and they had to push and prod them into place to get out the follicles. Unfortunately, they weren't able to get them all.
We only got 6 eggs that round. I think five of them fertilised, but only one grew to a size that was valid. However, that one was a much better quality than the one we got last time. So, it was frozen and is waiting for us to implant.
Our Round Three was going to just be a harvest. We were going to freeze any embryos we got rather than implanting straight away. The reasons were multiple.
One, there is quite an argument now about whether it is better to freeze and implant into a natural cycle or put the fresh embryos into a stimulated cycle. Many clinics are now exclusively doing the freeze and implant later.
Second, I was really keen to do a harvest and freeze before we left for our honeymoon. Every month that passes, is a month more aging of my eggs. I so wanted to get some more and not let two more months pass. So, that is another thing so dissappointing about our round three. We weren't able to get any embryos.
My OB is on the fence with regards to natural versus frozen transfer. However, with the other circumstances going on for us right now that would cause emotional stress which is not good for the success of a round, she agreed that it was best to freeze and implant in January. With that not happening due to the complications of round three, we will probably do a full round including fresh transfer in January, rather than freeze.
Now, I am concerned about the timing of round 4. It all depends on when my next period occurs. They have predicted 10 - 14 days after the trigger injection. Which means I could start my period after that during the Christmas/New Year week when they are closed. That would just suck. So when I go for my blood tests on Friday, I will talk them about all of that. We still have the drugs, so it is possible we will be able to start ourselves for the first few days and see them straight away in the the New Year. Or maybe we will just conceive naturally on our honeymoon cruise to New Zealand!!! Now that would be awesome!! And the timing could be right!
January will be a great month for me to do a round. It will be the summer holidays, I will be totally relaxed and refreshed from our cruise and I will be stress free with no work until February. Keep your fingers crossed that it all works out.
IVF round 3
The roller coaster ride has continued throughout our ivf rounds two and three.
This last round (round three) began with us saying to ourselves, that after round two, that we were due are nice and straight forward round. Instead, what happened was we started the drugs, then found out I was pregnant, stopped the drugs, tried the support the pregnancy which was unsuccessful, then found out that my follicles were still growing, had to trigger them to release so I wouldn't develop any cysts on the ovaries, but weren't able to harvest them because my hormones were all mixed up with pregnancy hormones and progesterone hormones from trying to sustain pregnancy and excess eostrogen from starting the round and then we had to abstain from intimacy as there was a chance of multiple pregnancy from the follicles that were released.
In a nutshell.
How did it happen that we even started the cycle? Well, I had a bleed. It was unusual, but I still thought that it was a period. My OB was away, she gave a phone approval for us to start and then we saw her a few days later when she returned. After we started and I saw how my "period" continued, I was unsure about whether I had started taking the drugs on the right day. I asked her about this and she questioned me on my "period" symptoms, she straight away sent me for a blood test. She suspected it may have been a pregnancy - and my bleed was either a heavy implantation bleed, or maybe a pregnancy really not getting off the ground and my body was all confused.
She assured me I didn't need to worry about the injections I had taken so far. If anything, they would have helped the pregnancy. But she definitely didn't want me starting the second lot of drugs which I was due to start the next day.
I am SO glad I talked to her about what I thought was my period. Otherwise we would have gone through the whole round oblivious to the pregnancy, spent thousands of dollars and gotten to theater possibly with no result or nothing viable. The whole thing was totally screwed up.
Since then, I have had to go through multiple ovulation symptoms, my body preparing for a pregnancy and not succeeding, the emotions of the hormones as well as the emotions naturally caused by the circumstances. The physical symptoms have been huge - all the way to completely erect, hard and painful nipples. Boy, the things we have to go through.
The one thing I really don't understand is the Catch 22 of the follicles. The clinic is doing the right thing and being cautious on both sides, but it is confusing and frustrating. One one hand, the OB won't go to theatre and harvest because of the pregnancy hormones that will be putting everything off. On the other hand, the follicles are still growing, need to be triggered to release and we have to abstain from intimacy because of the chance of multiple pregnancy.
I feel like there a half a dozen of my eggs just going to waste. And that is so upsetting.
On the other hand, the last thing I want to do is be initimate. My uterus and ovaries hurt too much to do anything. I just couldn't deal with it!
So round three was a big flop. So much for being due and nice and easy round.
The good thing is that we were given a full refund and will try again in January when we get back from our honeymoon. And as for the honeymoon, we get to sit around the pool with alcoholic drinks rather than mocktails! While I would rather be pregnant, I am looking forward to that!!! :)
This last round (round three) began with us saying to ourselves, that after round two, that we were due are nice and straight forward round. Instead, what happened was we started the drugs, then found out I was pregnant, stopped the drugs, tried the support the pregnancy which was unsuccessful, then found out that my follicles were still growing, had to trigger them to release so I wouldn't develop any cysts on the ovaries, but weren't able to harvest them because my hormones were all mixed up with pregnancy hormones and progesterone hormones from trying to sustain pregnancy and excess eostrogen from starting the round and then we had to abstain from intimacy as there was a chance of multiple pregnancy from the follicles that were released.
In a nutshell.
How did it happen that we even started the cycle? Well, I had a bleed. It was unusual, but I still thought that it was a period. My OB was away, she gave a phone approval for us to start and then we saw her a few days later when she returned. After we started and I saw how my "period" continued, I was unsure about whether I had started taking the drugs on the right day. I asked her about this and she questioned me on my "period" symptoms, she straight away sent me for a blood test. She suspected it may have been a pregnancy - and my bleed was either a heavy implantation bleed, or maybe a pregnancy really not getting off the ground and my body was all confused.
She assured me I didn't need to worry about the injections I had taken so far. If anything, they would have helped the pregnancy. But she definitely didn't want me starting the second lot of drugs which I was due to start the next day.
I am SO glad I talked to her about what I thought was my period. Otherwise we would have gone through the whole round oblivious to the pregnancy, spent thousands of dollars and gotten to theater possibly with no result or nothing viable. The whole thing was totally screwed up.
Since then, I have had to go through multiple ovulation symptoms, my body preparing for a pregnancy and not succeeding, the emotions of the hormones as well as the emotions naturally caused by the circumstances. The physical symptoms have been huge - all the way to completely erect, hard and painful nipples. Boy, the things we have to go through.
The one thing I really don't understand is the Catch 22 of the follicles. The clinic is doing the right thing and being cautious on both sides, but it is confusing and frustrating. One one hand, the OB won't go to theatre and harvest because of the pregnancy hormones that will be putting everything off. On the other hand, the follicles are still growing, need to be triggered to release and we have to abstain from intimacy because of the chance of multiple pregnancy.
I feel like there a half a dozen of my eggs just going to waste. And that is so upsetting.
On the other hand, the last thing I want to do is be initimate. My uterus and ovaries hurt too much to do anything. I just couldn't deal with it!
So round three was a big flop. So much for being due and nice and easy round.
The good thing is that we were given a full refund and will try again in January when we get back from our honeymoon. And as for the honeymoon, we get to sit around the pool with alcoholic drinks rather than mocktails! While I would rather be pregnant, I am looking forward to that!!! :)
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
IVF round one
Well, we have finished our first round of IVF – unsuccessfully. I have a month off now to recover and then we go again.
Unfortunately, we only got one viable embryo, which was of course implanted. So with no frozen embryos to use, I need to go through the whole process again to produce more eggs.
It was a difficult month. I didn’t have any trouble with the injections nor did I go through any mood swings which was great. But I was exhausted. All the time exhausted.
And then there was the ovary bleed. After the egg retrieval, I had what I thought was the usual discomfort after this procedure, only to wake up in complete and utter agony in the middle of the night. It was excruciating. Fortunately our clinic has a 24 hour service and we called them at 1 am.
The doctor on call was fantastic. He diagnosed what was wrong and I went on a high dose of pain medication and we were able to manage. I couldn’t move on my own, couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t straighten. It hurt so much to pee even. I was on my back for a week. And then I continued to get spasms of pain right up until I sadly got my period. I knew something wasn’t right. I said to Dave “being pregnant shouldn’t feel like this”. That night we found out I wasn’t.
Even now, a week after my period has finished, I still feel mild symptoms of discomfort which could be the residue of the reproduction system getting a complete battering!
The next working day after the bleed began, I was at the clinic having blood tests and scans to confirm the diagnosis. Fortunately it wasn’t ovarian hyperstimulation, but a bleed from the ovary. The doctor is not sure whether it began a day after the surgery or was a slow bleed that took a while to manifest. Either way, it didn’t matter, we knew what was wrong.
In the end, I had two weeks off work from the exhaustion before the retrieval and then from the bleed. The end result of all of that, is that I have cut my teaching back a day. There is no way I can go through all of that again and try and maintain the same workload. I am so relieved!! As of now, I am teaching one day less. Woohoo!
We learnt a lot from the egg fertilisation. They got 10 eggs and they fertilised half via IVF (natural selection) and half via ICSI (where they inject the sperm into the egg.)
From the IVF procedure we only got one embryo. Apparently as you get older, the outer lining of the egg hardens and it is harder for the sperm to break through. That explains a lot.
From the ICSI , we got 4 embryos!
However, none of the ICSI embryos developed. It was the IVF embryo that got through to a stage of being able to implant. But even that had a lot of fragmentation and the doctor wasn’t really happy with it.
So, over the last three years of us trying, if one of the little suckers actually managed to break through the outer lining, we may have been fertilising eggs and they just didn’t develop.
I am feeling a little disheartened with the results and what we have learnt. I knew age was a real factor but this bit of science really made it a reality. Nevertheless, we go again in a few weeks. And I need every minute of those weeks to recover – both emotionally and physically.
I’m not doing so well right now. My anxiety levels are up and I am just not with it. All I really want to do is hide away in bed and read. But after next week, I have two weeks holiday, so the timing of that is terrific!
Unfortunately, we only got one viable embryo, which was of course implanted. So with no frozen embryos to use, I need to go through the whole process again to produce more eggs.
It was a difficult month. I didn’t have any trouble with the injections nor did I go through any mood swings which was great. But I was exhausted. All the time exhausted.
And then there was the ovary bleed. After the egg retrieval, I had what I thought was the usual discomfort after this procedure, only to wake up in complete and utter agony in the middle of the night. It was excruciating. Fortunately our clinic has a 24 hour service and we called them at 1 am.
The doctor on call was fantastic. He diagnosed what was wrong and I went on a high dose of pain medication and we were able to manage. I couldn’t move on my own, couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t straighten. It hurt so much to pee even. I was on my back for a week. And then I continued to get spasms of pain right up until I sadly got my period. I knew something wasn’t right. I said to Dave “being pregnant shouldn’t feel like this”. That night we found out I wasn’t.
Even now, a week after my period has finished, I still feel mild symptoms of discomfort which could be the residue of the reproduction system getting a complete battering!The next working day after the bleed began, I was at the clinic having blood tests and scans to confirm the diagnosis. Fortunately it wasn’t ovarian hyperstimulation, but a bleed from the ovary. The doctor is not sure whether it began a day after the surgery or was a slow bleed that took a while to manifest. Either way, it didn’t matter, we knew what was wrong.
In the end, I had two weeks off work from the exhaustion before the retrieval and then from the bleed. The end result of all of that, is that I have cut my teaching back a day. There is no way I can go through all of that again and try and maintain the same workload. I am so relieved!! As of now, I am teaching one day less. Woohoo!
We learnt a lot from the egg fertilisation. They got 10 eggs and they fertilised half via IVF (natural selection) and half via ICSI (where they inject the sperm into the egg.)
From the IVF procedure we only got one embryo. Apparently as you get older, the outer lining of the egg hardens and it is harder for the sperm to break through. That explains a lot.
From the ICSI , we got 4 embryos!
However, none of the ICSI embryos developed. It was the IVF embryo that got through to a stage of being able to implant. But even that had a lot of fragmentation and the doctor wasn’t really happy with it.
So, over the last three years of us trying, if one of the little suckers actually managed to break through the outer lining, we may have been fertilising eggs and they just didn’t develop.
I am feeling a little disheartened with the results and what we have learnt. I knew age was a real factor but this bit of science really made it a reality. Nevertheless, we go again in a few weeks. And I need every minute of those weeks to recover – both emotionally and physically.
I’m not doing so well right now. My anxiety levels are up and I am just not with it. All I really want to do is hide away in bed and read. But after next week, I have two weeks holiday, so the timing of that is terrific!
Friday, March 2, 2012
IVF
And so it begins…
We got all the IVF drugs today and will start our first round when I get my period in a few days.
To be absolutely honest, I am absolutely terrified.
I am going through a tough patch now, just with my life. I am terrified about throwing this into the mix as well. How am I going to react? Will it be too much for me? Will I lose the plot? Will I end up in a full blown panic attack and in hospital? That maybe an overreaction, but it is a thought that I truly and honestly feel all the time.
First thing is, I need to try and get on top of things. I’m just not really sure how to go about that. Everything I have tried over the last few weeks hasn’t even gotten off the ground. But from tomorrow and especially from Monday, things need to be radically different.
The nurse said something interesting today. She said that for every negative thought we have, we need 6 positive thoughts to counteract it. Which roughly would mean I would need about 200 positive thought a day! LOL and a 
, but true. It shows just how powerful our negative thoughts are.
She suggested starting a list of positive things to do, when the negativity / despair etc descends. So Dave and I have put a little plan into action. We have a grocery shopping app that links to both our phones. Occasionally we have fun with it and leave each other messages. Dave is going to do this for me now. He is going to leave me positive, fun messages to try and help me through this phase I am in. That in itself is a wonderfully positive thought!
As for me, I need to find my own list. I need to remember that this IVF thing is the most important thing in my life and I need to battle my inner demons with love and positivity in order for things to go well for me, for us and for our future baby.
Here goes!!
Monday, January 23, 2012
Part One–November, 2011
September. That was my last post. My goodness. So much has happened that I need to catch up on. So much going on.
2012. What a year this is going to be. IVF. Marriage.
But I need to start back in the past. Back with the appointment that set the new IVF path rolling…
After the disaster of our previous OB appointment, which was right before we discovered that I had conceived and then consequently dealt with my miscarriage, we made steps to organise an appointment with a new OB.
We spent a lot of time looking for the right one and eventually got a recommendation that sounded great. We had to wait two months for the appointment and were very excited.
November rolled around and we arrived at the clinic.
An hour later, we were still waiting to go in and Dave was getting quite irritated. He had taken time off work that he couldn’t afford in order to be there. And was beginning to be annoyed at such a long wait. He was happy to take time off for the appointment, but was becoming irritated at such a long wait and felt that we should have received a courtesy call to say that she was running very late.
For me, I was relaxed and really enjoying the time we were spending chatting away in the waiting room. I was so looking forward to the appointment and didn’t mind waiting. But I could understand his irritation. I had the day off. He had so much work that needed to be done.
Finally we were called in to her office. The excitement built. I had all my papers with past results and scans all ready to show her. This was it. Finally. IVF. Baby.
As we walked through the door, she got a call on her mobile. “I’m sorry” she says. “I have to go.” WHAT???!!!!
She had a phone call to go the hospital, I think to be with a woman having her baby. Okay, I get it. But we have just waited an hour – and two months. And that’s it???!!
“I can give you 5 minutes”, she said. I could feel Dave’s irritation building.
It turned out, she gave us about 10 minutes. Only to tell us that she doesn’t do IVF anymore and she didn’t know why we were referred to her. What???!!!! This, after I spent about 30 minutes on the phone to the receptionist when I made the appointment, talking about the fact that we coming to see her for IVF. What the hell??!! After the appointment we found out that things had changed in the IVF clinic and she was no longer a part of it. I suspect it happened in the two months that we waited for the appointment.
I was flabbergasted. Why no courtesy phone call to all her upcoming fertility appointments to tell them of the change? Why make us wait for two months, only to come in and get nothing? They knew we were there for IVF, they whispered it to themselves when we arrived. Why not say something even then??!!!
She may have given us 10 minutes, but she didn’t assess us at all. She didn’t look at any of my results, she just babbled a bit about things that we already knew. And then we were dismissed and she was off.
We were left reeling.
And then, when we went to the desk to get some information, they said “That will be $165.” For 10 minutes. Of nothing. You’ve got to be joking!
At that point, Dave had to walk out of the clinic and leave me to deal with the final details. He was ready to snap.
I still find it hard to believe.
It was all so disappointing and set us back 6 months in our process, 6 months that we can’t afford at my age. However, we came out of it with one good thing… a referral to the most fantastic, terrific OB I have ever met!
Stay tuned for Part 2!…
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