I've said right from when it happened, that this has been a life changing experience for me. At first I could simply feel it in myself. I felt different. This sounds silly to say at 44, but I've felt like I've grown up. There is a wisdom and a life experience in me that wasn't there before. There is a new knowledge about life and an emotional depth that I feel reflected in my eyes. And as much as I'm distraught about how this happened and wish I could take it all back and still have my little girl growing within me, I like the change.
Now I am seeing the change in my daily life, in my actions, in the choices that I am making, and in the things that I am doing. My world is changing. What I want in it, who I want in it, and what I want to be doing with it.
For several years now, I have wished to be more like my mother in certain aspects. My Mum is a get go woman. She doesn't stop. Always busy, always helping, always active. And I have wanted to be more like that. Now, I am starting to be. I like it. And Dave likes it!
Now, why does Dave like it? Because I have started baking! All of a sudden, I have this need to cook. Now, just to remind you, I hate cooking. Loathe it. Dave cooks most of our dinners. But every now and then I have gotten the urge to bake a cake or muffins with a packet mix. Now I am baking from scratch. Any day that I can. If I'm not actually doing it, I am planning what I want to do next. And loving it! Now thats more like my mother. And Dave is my taste tester. And he loves this new me!
I'm also succeeding with my goal to be more active around the house. Television viewing is diminishing. And busy-ness is increasing. And I am so happy for it. The downside... Remember all my clutter clearing? Well I was just starting to feel on top of the house in that regard. Now, there is a whole new level going on! And the house feels crazy again. There is a new level of activity in the kitchen that needs organising - with rearranging cupboards, and organise recipe folders to allow for the new baking me. And there is just more happening everywhere that needs clarifying and organising and finding the right why of doing things.
So my clutter cleared organised head has found a new deeper level of existence that needs sorting out. It's a wonderful metaphor and is so clearly a reflection of the deeper level of me that is emerging. My therapist describes it as peeling away the layers of the onion and discovering and making sense of the real me.
It's a good thing and I so happy for it.
But at the moment it is clouded in a high level of anxiety. Anxiety and being even just a little bit unorganised, don't work together for me.
Dave leaves on a work trip on Friday for over a week. I am not coping without him at the moment. The moment he leaves my anxiety level rockets. My kineisologist saw it in my body in my last session. That at the moment, my need for nuturing is high. That I need supportive friends and family around me. And I'm just not coping without him.
I had resolved the problem. I was spending a few nights in the country with one of my bridesmaids. I used to do it regularly before I met Dave. It was the perfect solution. However, Kiara the cat, needed surgery yesterday. She is fine and recovering well but I can't leave her. Raphael is hissing at her and the two of them need to be managed. I can't leave them alone and there is noone else to look after them.
So, I'm scared about Friday and next week. I don't know how I will be. The anxiety I feel over the cats is simply adding to it. Even before he has gone, I'm not coping.
I will ask Mum to come over. She may even spend a couple of nights. That will help. And I will focus on the wonderful changes that are going on in my life. I will continue to chip at the organisation jobs that I have. I will continue to bake.
I am grateful that with the way I am feeling I haven't turned to my usual coping behaviours. I am still leading my new life, albeit somewhat subdued and shut in.