Tuesday, January 25, 2011

A beginning

book-course-in-weight-loss  I made a good start today on the Marianne Williamson book “A Course In Weight Loss”.  I think it will be a good step forward in the right direction for me.

I also downloaded the two radio shows she has done on this so far from Hay House Radio.  I am halfway through the first one.

It is amazing how much she just nails the whole issue.  She really gets it.  And I am going to make a concerted effort to go deep into the process that she takes her readers.

As such, I think it is a topic more suited to my Creating Peaceful Thoughts blog.  That is exactly what it is about – changing my mindset.  So while any progress ont his will hopefully help us conceive, any further entries on this issue I will do over there.

Love and light to you all.

NM over40 (to be!)


Monday, January 24, 2011


It’s time I made an appointment with the private fertility clinic.  But as much as I want a child, I really don’t know that I go through the process of IVF.  For so many reasons as those of you who have gone through it will attest to.  I’m avoiding making the appointment in the hope that this month will be the month.  This time we will conceive.

We are making a more concerted effort again this time around.  But I’m not living up to my end of the bargain.  I’m struggling to exercise and eat well and no matter how I try, my emotions and mind state just won’t let it happen.

And I dread going to a new OB only to have him tell me I have to lose weight.  It’s not like I haven’t wanted to for the last 20 years of my life.  And the last 2 years, in particular, with the thought of conceiving in my head.  It still hasn’t happened on any permanent level.  I don’t want this issue to forestall the treatments that are available to anybody else.  I dread the appointment so much.

I must admit to being in constant state of tears this afternoon.  Any little thing is setting me off.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  How can I get passed this?

I just remembered – I bought Marianne Williamson’s new book “A Course in Weight Loss” a few days ago.  I’m going to go away now and see if that helps at all.  I’m not holding my breath.  But I am desperate.  And if this book can reconnect me with my spirituality as well, then I will be truly blessed.

Friday, January 7, 2011

A Four Month Update.

It’s been 4 months nearly since my last post.  Hard to believe.  An update has been in order for a long time.  My desire to document our journey so that our children can read about it one day, if they wish, is still there. 

But our lack of success and our need to take a break from it all, saw me steer clear of all blogging of any kind.

Now, due to the summer break and some thoughtful emails and comments from some blogger friends, I find myself back here.  Thank you.

There isn’t a lot to report. 

Upon mutual agreement we stopped seeing Queen Naturo and King Acupunc for fertility treatments.  They, and we, felt that what could be done by them, had be done and I was so ready to stop for a while.  Therefore the next step is IVF.

I have a second naturopath I see from time to time who has helped with my hormones greatly over the years.  I went to see her first before deciding to see QN and KA.  So, I went back to her just because I had to try.  I don’t have my hopes up at all and its been nearly three months now.  So, this is telling time.  They always say it takes around three months for the herbs to really make visible changes.  I’m hopeful.  But I’m not holding my breath.

We are both really disappointed that the very thing that brought us together, helps up in so many other ways and that we both believe in wholeheartedly has not helped us to become pregnant.

I finally told my Mum.  She was good about it and while she would prefer that we were married first, she understands our decisions and supports us.  And is actually a bit excited for me, as it turns out!  The most significant discovery however, was that her and Dad went through the same thing, with the same problems. 
Obviously, I always knew that there are many years between my two older brothers and myself and many years between them, but I didn’t give it a lot of thought. 
Mum and Dad went through the same procedures D and I are.  The tests, the questions, all of it – with the same result.  Unexplained infertility.
Which most likely puts it on my side!  And I wonder if Mum had the same problem as I seem to have with a lack of ovulation…

The last three cycles, I have tested for ovulation in THREE ways – basal, saliva and urine testing.  There has been no sign of ovulation with any of them.  You would think that if I was ovulating, ONE of them would indicate it.  I really wish the fertility clinic had just given me the clomid and been done with it.  But they wouldn’t because the blood tests indicated that I was ovulating.

However, our waiting period for the private hospital cover has completed now and we are able to go through the private system picking out our own OB.  We have a name a friend and nurse recommended, and when the time is right, this is the way we will have to go.

However, my mother is still in hospital after having surgery for bowel cancer.  She went in the week before Christmas and hasn’t been able to come home.  While the surgery went well and they believe they have gotten all of the cancer, there have been post-operative complications.  Physically, she is recovering very well.

But she has had a reaction to either anaesthesia or the medication she was given and is suffering from confusion and delusions.  It has been a very traumatic time for her, and for us, and we don’t know how long it will last.  As a result of this, she is also unable to handle the stoma she needed to have in order to allow her bowel to rest and heal. 
Dad doesn’t cope without her. They are both 80 years old.  He suffers from depression and, on one hand is handling it well, and on another hand is a mess.

So, there is no way that I can possibly face going through IVF until my parents are well.  It is hard enough being on holidays and dealing with it all, let alone back at work, supporting my parents and handling IVF treatments.

So, everything is hold for now.