12 weeks and bubs is going strong

Yesterday was our  12 week scan.  Everything is still going really well!  I almost can't believe it.  It is so surreal.  We are now in new territory having never gotten this far before in our previous pregnancies.

So much to catch up on in 6 weeks...

Last week was a terrible week leading up to our 12 week scan.  That was the week our last baby died in utero and I was paralysed with fear.  I spent a couple of days in bed with exhaustion and it took me a while to realise that some of that exhaustion was not the pregnancy but the unconscious fears I was living with.

Now that we have passed the hump of the 12 week scan my tiredness has gone back to its normal pregnancy exhaustion!  I can function again in otherwords!

We've had a scan every week since the bleed at 6 weeks just to check on everything and also to maintain my sanity!  :)  Each week was good and each week we saw our little one bouncing around inside me.  He/She is an active one, always on the move and seeming to play chasey with the scanner!  :) :) Measurements have been great every week.  It was good, and also necessary, to be reassured every week that things were progressing normally.

At 10.5 weeks, we had our first OB appointment.  That also went well and the doctor assured us that there was absolutely nothing that he was worried about.  Everything looked great.

We go back at 13.5 weeks to get the results of the nuchal test and other tests that I had - blood and urine.  The scan was a good start to the nuchal test with a measurement of just 1.4 mm.  As long as its under 3.5 mm, all should be good.  A normal measurement is 1.3 mm, so we are right on the mark!  So now we wait on the combined tests for the nuchal.  But we are feeling pretty relaxed about that.

As for me, I'm dealing with nausea quite a bit, particularly when I have to cook or prepare food, or sometimes just look at food!!  But I'm very grateful not to have had any vomiting.  A fantastic blessing to be sure!  :)

I've also got a lot of lower abdomen discomfort with the muscles and ligaments stretching and getting ready for expansion.  And then there are the times when my bowels/digestion cause me severe pain as everything moves around.  That is fun - not!  :)

Then there are the temperature fluctuations in my body, with heat at night being a particular problem.  But that does seem to be settling down a little bit.

I always said that if I was pregnant I would be grateful for every bit of pain and discomfort I was in.  And now that we are passed the 12 week mark, I most definitely am.  It was a bit harder before that, when I was also always on the edge of anxiety, but I always kept that thought in mind and tried to focus on the gratitudes rather than the fear.

There is still a question mark over us about our pregnancy.  With our history, I think it will always be there.  But the ? is a lot smaller now and we are happy to tell a few other people about our news.  So, keep your fingers crossed.  We are doing really well so far and can only pray that bubbie continues to grow as beautifully as he/she has been so far.  We love you little one!!

A different two week wait

Yesterday's scan also saw the end of our time with the fertility clinic.  Gosh, it seems so weird to say that.  Fertility clinics in some form or another have been a part of our lives for four years.  And we were with our current one for 18 months.

At the end of the session, they gave us a goodie bag filled with samples of baby things and baby and pregnancy magazines.  It was exciting but also scary.  It just seems a bit too soon for all of that stuff. 

I do feel pretty good with it all, though.  My goodness, we have never gotten this far before.  To know that there is a little heart beating away inside me.  It's amazing!  But I will be continuing to pray and meditate and keep my fingers crossed especially up until our 12 week scan.

I'm excited to be going to our new OB in two weeks.  He comes highly recommended from Louise and they work quite closely together.  Two weeks seems a long way away though.  The longest I've gone in between checking on our progress is a week!  I'm going to need to use all my deep breathing and calming techniques to stop myself from worrying.  "Everything is going well" will need to be my mantra.  "Everything is going well" "Everything is going well" "Everything is going well".

One of my friends is now in a position in her relationship where they are thinking about having children and she has begun taking pre-conception supplements.  She is 42.  I so hope it's not going to be as hard for her as it was for me.  I don't know that my experience will be able to help her either.  She is very strong willed in her beliefs and has to work things out in her own way.  But I will be there for her no matter what happens. 

No-one can really understand what it is like to be infertile if they haven't been through it.  And I know how extraordinarily helpful and supportive it has been to have been able to connect with other women through their infertile blogs.  I have two wonderful friends who have been incredibly supportive but no-one in real life who has experienced infertility.  She can.  I'd like to think that she doesn't have a long road ahead of her and perhaps we will even be pregnant together.  But I know all too well about the problems with the aging of ones eggs after 40.  And she has less time to work it out than I did.  I started at 40.  I have my fingers crossed for her as well!!

In the meantime, I am happy for myself.  I am happy to finally be pregnant with a heartbeat.  I am in disbelief that we have finished at the fertility clinic!  I am doing my best to be careful and healthy for our baby to give it the best chance I can.  And I am waiting.  Waiting to see what happens, waiting to see the OB, waiting to be able to say second trimester.

Fingers crossed.

Love and light
xxx

Second Scan at 8 weeks

Our second scan and its still good news!  Dave has finally started letting himself feel excited about it now.  Things are progressing so well.

I was so nervous and anxious going into the scan.  Please let there still be a heartbeat, show me the heartbeat... and there it was!  Beating faster than last time, exactly as it should be, and bubby has grown beautifully.  This time he/she measured exactly as he/she should.  Pheww!!

Our OB is really pleased and the nurse actually put her hand on my knee and said "it looks like this one is going to go all the way".  Not something they would say lightly in a fertility clinic!

I didn't mention last week about the nausea that I felt which started Sunday night and didn't start easing until after the scan Monday night.  By Tuesday it was gone.  I assumed it was the start of morning sickness.  But I haven't felt that way since and there is only one possible reason for it - unconsciously I was sick with worry about our first scan.  I wasn't feeling it on the outside, but boy did my body manifest how I was feeling internally.  I couldn't eat all day Monday.  Dave made some soup for dinner and I was able to get some of that down, but I was so ill all day.  The OB asked me if I thought it was nerves.  I didn't know at the time.  But now I do.  I was ill with unconscious worry.  It's amazing how the body will manifest things even if we don't consciously know that we are feeling a certain way. 

So, aside from a few moments of feeling nauseus this week - in a different way than I felt on Monday - I have had no morning sickness at all.  No vomiting at all.  I am feeling quite blessed that I am one of the 25% of women that don't get it - so far at least!!  lol.   I had always been told that morning sickness was a good sign, so when I didn't get it, of course there was a little bit of concern.  But I asked Louise yesterday, and she said she didn't get it either.  That's it's all good. 

Thank goodness.  And I have to say, is I deserve a bit of a relief from something with all that I've gone through, particularly in the last 6 months.  Yea!!!

Dave took a video of the monitor showing our babies beating heart and we get photos in the mail next week.  So, we are now starting babies photo and video collection!  That's exciting!

I know we still have 5 weeks to go before we can feel safe and clear, but it feels really exciting now.  I'm starting to feel like this baby is a part of me and thats a good feeling.

I've had people telling me stories of women who miscarried at 12 weeks.  Why do they tell us things like that at this stage??  I know we are still at risk and so many things can go wrong, but I don't want to think that way.  This is an exciting time and I intend to try to bring only positive energy and good thoughts into my body and spirit.  All is going well!

Love and Light
xxx

I AM...

I am pregnant
I AM pregnant
I am PREGNANT!!


Today I went to see my kinesiologist.  What an amazing woman she is.  I told her that I was pregnant but I didn't like the place that I was in.  I was worried and stressed and tired and I knew that it wasn't good for me or the baby.

I walked out of that session feeling like a different person.  The excitement is back, the trust is back, the surety that we are succeeding is back.  The loving connection with our little one is back.  My grounding is back and my spiritual connection is back.  I feel happy!

I never mentioned the word "trust" to her, but it came up several times throughout the session.  What also came up, over and over, was my fear, anxiety and worry.  Fear of disappointment.  Fear that I will be disappointed again.

It turns out that the fear and worry were not just on a surface level but were emerging deep from my unconscious.  A lifetime of fear and worry was emerging and being reflected into worry for my baby.

Carolyn cleared all of that.  She reopened my connection to Spirit and aligned my energy once more.  I'm amazed at how much better I feel.  I feel much more secure in the process.  I feel greater Trust that things are working well.

She asked me if I could remember a time when I completely trusted in the process of my life, of the universe unfolding.  And I couldn't.  I don't remember ever feeling like that.  Now it's time that I did.  Anytime the fear emerges, I need to delete that file and replace it with the new one of Trust and acceptance.  Of living in the moment.  And in this moment right now, I AM PREGNANT!  I rejoice in that, I feel the joy, I feel the love for our tiny little bundle of cells that are still dividing and growing just like the nurse told me that they were.

After the trust question, Carolyn asked me if I could remember a time when I felt truly at peace and calm with my life.  And I do remember that.  Just one period in my life.  It was just before I met Dave.  A few months before, I had broken up from a destructive relationship and I was just beginning to get my life back again.  I don't know why, or how it happened, or how to recreate it, but for several months, my life was good.  I was constantly feeling the peacefulness of life, the simplicity of life.  I was always taking time to connect with Spirit and centre myself.  I was eating well, exercising daily, with no problems or addictive behaviours or thoughts. 

I've often wanted to go back to that time in my life.  Perhaps now is the time to recreate it.  Perhaps now I am ready.

Thank you Carolyn for helping me to move past the fear that I have been living with the last few weeks.  Thank you Spirit for leading me to Carolyn a few months ago.  I do credit her as a significant part of how we were able to finally conceive.

I asked her if she knew of any meditiation CD's that would be good for me to stay connected.  And she has given me some ideas.  So, I'm going to follow through on that and hopefully find the exact right one for me.

I Am Pregnant!!
:):):):):):)

Follow up test

After a stressful couple of days, todays test results show that our pregnancy is progressing really well!!!  HCG levels have gone from 99 two days ago, to 265 today - they've nearly tripled!!

I am SO relieved!  We are still pregnant!

It's been a tough two days.  Once the initial excitement were off, I started worrying.  Please, please, please embies, keep growing, snuggle in, HCG levels keep rising.  I've been so scared.  I've been really trying not to but it's just been there.  Waiting for these results have been so much harder than waiting for the initial result saying we were pregnant.  It felt like there was so much more at stake.

And then I started spotting a little.  The leftover crinone began releasing with specks of colour in it.  Mostly the colour was brown, but sometimes it wasn't so brown.  And then today I started spotting more.  Once again though, mostly old blood.  The times when it wasn't quite brown absolutely terrified me.

And the results took so long to come in.  I was expecting them by 2 pm at the latest.  They didn't come in till 5 pm.  It's been a tough day.  But finally they arrived and I couldn't believe the number.  265!!!

The nurse said not to worry about the spotting.  The crinone release is normal and as long as the blood is old it is all good.  As for the couple of times I felt it wasn't quite old, she said is could be anything.  Implantation blood even.  Shes taken note of it and will follow up on Monday but she said not to worry.  That my levels were terrific.  And we are doing everything that needs to be done.  She said go away and have a relaxing Easter!  Things are progressing well.

I go in again on Monday for a final follow up blood test.  That one should be around 1000 in hcg levels.  So fingers crossed.

A friend said today that I just need to trust.  TRUST.  It is a good word.  A reassuring word.  A word of faith and belief.  A word of confidence.  A word of peacefulness, serenity, love.  I like it.

This afternoon I started wearing around my wrist, the pouch of buddhist prayers my dear friend brought back from Japan with me.  It is the one that I had with me on our wedding day, and I took with me to both the egg harvest and embryo transfer.  It really helped me to settle down a little this afternoon.  And I guess it brought with it Trust and Faith.

It is still on my wrist!

So now I go away with Trust in my heart and soul and know that once again we are progressing well through each step of the IVF process.

It worked!

I know its early days BUT......................

I'm pregnant!!!!!!!

It worked!

YEAAAAAAAAA!

Okay, now that the excitement is expressed....  the details!

I got tested a day early for two reasons - I had to call the clinic about another matter and earlier in the day I cheated and took a home pregnancy test which was positive!   The funny story is that the nurse guessed I had taken the test!  I asked her how long the pregnyl stays in your system because I wondered if maybe I was getting a false positive.  She answered my question and then said "You took a pregnancy test didn't you??!!"  LOL  :):)  When I told the nurse yes, she said, "Well, lets get you tested a day early!" 

My HCG levels were 99 - which is great.  My estrogen and progesterone levels are also good.  The nurse even started talking about my 6 week scan and my due date and, wow, I couldn't believe it!

The next step is another test in two days to see if the the pregnancy is developing as it should.  And then I will have another follow up next week.  The prayers will continue and the fingers will still be tightly crossed for the next week(s).

It worked! We made it to this the biggest step along the journey.  Yes, there are still more steps to go before we are safe.  None of my pregnancies have made it passed 6 weeks, but so far so fantastic!!

My other pregnancies were natural conceptions.  This one feels better because good embryos were selected, I'm being monitored and I'm on drugs to assist the pregnancy.

Part of me is scared to be excited.  Another part of is so relieved!  I'm pregnant.  All that I've gone through is, so far, paying fruition.  I think I will stick with the excited emotion for a while and run with it.  I'm going to talk to my baby/babies and keep encouraging them to grow.  I'm going to keep doing my golden white light meditations.

The journey isn't over but we've finally made it this far!

Thank you, thank you!

Staying centered

6 more sleeps till testing day!  I could test on Monday but they have warned us that with all the hormones we, that is I!!!, am taking, it is possible to get a false positive with a home pregnancy test.  So its best to wait and do the blood test with them.

I fluctuate between fear and confidence. 

There is a part of me that knows this is the one and that is the part that I try and stay connected to.  There are no assurances and I know us succeeding will defy the odds (thus the fear), but this cycle has gone perfectly.  There have been no complications and there have been 10 signs of encouragement that I have written about over several posts this week!!

All of me knows how much I will thrive as a mother.  My whole world will change for the better.  My whole self will change for the better.  I look forward to rising to the challenges and to taking care of a little soul.  And yes, I even look forward to the tiredness because our little being(s) will bring so much joy and love and completeness. 

This is what gets me through the days, this knowing, this feeling of being centered and calm.  And when the fear comes up, I move inside myself and feel the joy of being pregnant whether I am or not.  I focus on our little embryos and I picture them burrowed into my uterine wall, peaceful and content and growing rapidly!

The day of and the day before embryo transfer

Embryo Transfer this morning!  Everything is still going SO well.  We had our best result yet with two embryos that have continued to grow as expected.  The other three seemed to have stopped growing.  They will give them another 24 hours but they are not hopeful about being able to freeze them.

But it doesn't matter.  We got TWO EMBRYOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And we still have little Nemo on ice.  (Thats what Dave named our frozen embryo from round 2 which we weren't able to transfer because of my polyp)

I was so excited I couldn't stop smiling, including most of the way through the procedure and aftewards saying goodbye!!  :):)  The transfer itself was a breeze.  It was over before I knew it.  Last time, the OB had a little trouble with it, it took a little longer, and was a little more uncomfortable.  But not this time.  Done and dusted and our two embryos are inside me, hopefully happily finding a home and continuing to grow.

Our OB was away today so we had a different person (first time ever for us!).  He was the OB who was on call the night we had the ovarian bleed on my first cycle.  He was wonderful that night, so helpful, proficient and caring.  And today was no different.  I immediately liked him.  He was wonderful.  A strong, gentle, caring man who obviously loves his job and is brilliant at it.  No wonder his name is at the top of the list.  Right above our usual OB!  We have been so lucky with OB's now we are at this different clinic.

Here is a photo of what our embryos looked like.  PS. It isn't ours!  Although if we are successful, I may ask if we can get one!

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The Day before Transfer

Yesterday was a day of amazing syncronicity.  My chance, or design, who knows which, it doesn't matter which, it was an amazing day full of events that helped prepare me for the transfer!  I am still amazed by it.

I have already done a list of signs etc that have happened over the last couple of weeks that have been encouraging me to believe that this round could be the one.   The posts are here and here.  Now the list continues!

Six
 I had both a kiniesology treatment and a full massage and they both were an amazing preparation for the embryo transfer today.  I didn't plan to have them booked on the same day and I certainly did not plan to have them booked the day before the transfer.  I booked them weeks ago before we even started this IVF round. [More about them in my next post.] But the timing of them was incredible!

I also had a counselling session scheduled but this was cancelled. And I think it was meant to be that I didn't see the shrink.   I think that not talking about what happened with the kiniesologist was the way it was meant to be - that I was simply allowed to let the treatment work within me and not analyse it or disrupt the energy shifts with the mental and emotional analysis that comes with the shrink.  Things continued to be set up for me.

Seven
Although this is under really sad circumstances, I ended up having Logan for most of the day.  His grandmother has been terminally ill and the family were called in at 5am in the morning to spend her last day with her.  Logan went for a while but it's not good for him to be at the hospital for hours, so I was called early in the morning to pick him up.

The fact that I spent a good portion of my day before transfer with this wonderful baby who has brought forth such strong maternal instincts in me did not go unnoticed.

Eight
I know this is a little trivial but it's never happened in all the other times we have been to the hospital, so why today?  When we checked out after the transfer, the lady on the desk cut off my hospital ID and said "Do you want to keep it?"  Today, of all days, I get asked to keep a momento of my admission!!!  I said YES!

Nine
Now this last one just freaks me out and requires a bit of a backstory.

Dave and I spent last Christmas with his family in Sydney.  They are a Catholic family and so I went with his Mum and him to mass in the morning.  I don't what happened within me because this doesn't usually bother me - but there were so many kids running around the church, and by about 20 minutes into the mass, I was in tears.  I just couldn't cope with all the children - there were just too many and I felt my lack of a child so keenly.

I had to leave.  Dave followed me out and we sat outside for a while talking and then I told him to go back in with his Mum.  I would just walk back home and get his Auntie V (who lives next door) to let me in.  I knocked on the door, she let me in with a "has mass finished already?!" and before I knew it, I was crying on her shoulder, telling her about everything.

V is a devout catholic and I am glad she had already been to a Christmas mass.  She listened to me and supported me and talked about her own experiences and was fantastic.  She then offered to give me some information about a Saint of Motherhood I could pray to if I wanted to.  There was no pressure, she just wanted to give me some information and let me do what I wanted with it.  And she was there to support me and pray with me if I chose.  It never went any further during that visit because things were so busy and then we were gone.

Guess when she sent me the information?  9.30 last night.  All this time later!  She apologised for taking so long to get it to me.  Are you serious??  I get the information the day of transfer! (because I checked the emails this morning).  Am I really being told that this is going to work this time?  Is it time I finally trusted in all these little things that have been happening and believe.  If I wasn't already at that point after yesterdays sessions then this tipped me right over the edge.  Yes, I do believe this is the one.  In a really peaceful, calm and positive way, I do believe that this is the one.  I now have my bubbies inside of me.

Needless to say, I printed out the prayer and put it with the pouch symbolising the months worth of prayers from a Japanese monastery that my dear friend organised for me.  And I took them both into the transfer with me, hanging from a chord on my wrist.

----------------------

I am feeling so good about this.  I know that if it doesn't work, I am in for a BIG let down.  But I will deal with that if it happens.  Dave is still feeling cautious and I understand that.  But he is also supportive in me not being cautious anymore and simply running with these wonderful and positive feelings I am having about it all!

My fingers are still crossed!

Feeling Good!

My blood tests results came back very positively yesterday.  My FSH levels are exactly where they need to be in order for the IVF drugs to work their best wonders.

I gave myself my first injection last night with no problems.  I was so worried about going through these next two weeks without Dave.  In fact 24 hours ago, I would have said I wasn't coping.  But something shifted during the day yesterday and I feel great!  Don't ask me what it was.  I wouldn't have a clue!!!

I'm feeling really, really positive about this round.  I know that can be a dangerous place to go when the let down can then be even bigger, but I don't care!  I'm feeling really good about the possiblity of being successful this time around and I intend to go with this feeling!

So many things seem to be falling into place at the moment. 

One - The freakiest one of all is the level of syncronicity between my kinesiologist and my therapist.  Everytime a new things come up with one person, it is also comes up with the other.  It's crazy!  And I love it!  I feel like they are working together.  And I really believe that I have been led to both of them at this time in my life.

I feel like there are some really significant breakthroughs going on in my pysche and that I am finally beginning to take some small steps toward releasing some long held patterns and issues in my life.  And to be doing that just before a baby comes along, is simply wondrous.  I have always wanted to be in a place where I am not passing on to much "garbage" to my child.  So that they don't inherit and have to deal with all the difficult things that I have had to.  We bring so much into our lives that need healing as it is, it would be nice not to give my child all my "garbage" on top of that as well.

Anyway, it is just baby steps, but I'm feeling so good about it all at the moment.  It is giving me the feeling of the timing being just right.  And that, as I let go and heal from my own issues, I will be a much better mother.

Two - And then there is starting to babysit my great nephew every week.  My maternal instincts have been switched on with him and I am loving the role of being his caretaker once a week.  I love it more than I thought I would and it just fits me to a tee!  It's made me more excited about being a mum.

Three - Without my intending it to be, my work hours have dropped quite a lot this year.  I have more time, less stress and I am beginning to love my life once more.  I am certainly enjoying work more which is just wonderful.  In fact, I could even begin to say, I'm starting to love it again.  I haven't been able to say that for years!

As a result, I am beginning to enjoy my home life more.  I'm getting out into the garden, I'm keeping up with the bookwork.  I'm back to regular exercise.  I'm not feeling this constant pressure to have to keep up with everything because I have more time to achieve what needs to be done.

I am grateful to be in this place now, after two months of really struggling.  Thank you!!!

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A truly happy one for today! One of my favs of Dave!

Another brief pregnancy

Following on from conceiving after we got married and not succeeding with that pregnancy, I then proceeded to conceive again the very next cycle - on our honeymoon!  That also would have been a good story - but was also not to be.

This loss was so much harder for so many reasons.  Two in a row.  And also this one went for longer and started with a little bit of hope.

My hormone levels were monitored right from the moment I knew that I had implanted.  The first two tests gave us some hope.  But more importantly this pregnancy FELT different.  I felt as though I had a little life growing in me, I felt a connection, a prescence.  It might sound strange and I don't know what other women have experienced in that regard.  But I felt something completely different to the other two times.

So when we got the third blood test that showed that things were progressing as they should, we were so disappointed.  For another three weeks I was monitored.  The pregnancy kept hobbling along with no real progress, but my hcg levels kept rising just a little bit every time.  However, instead of doubling every 2 days, I would only go up my 20.  By the end of those three weeks, instead of being in the thousands, I was at 180.

And then I started bleeding.  And I shut down.  Even now, I am still struggling, but I'm better.  I lost any interest in anything.  I stayed home, didn't do anything, watched TV.  Every now and then something would grab my attention and I would be so glad to do it.  But for the most part, there was nothing.  Not even any tears.  Just nothing.

I was grateful to be on school holidays and I didn't judge myself for my behaviour.  I just let it all happen and allowed myself to respond in whatever way I needed. 

I bled for a week, then a week later I started bleeding again.  It was old blood that still needed to remove itself.  It was unpleasant.  And has nearly lasted for a week so far.

This loss has hit me hard.  I finally cried about it a few days ago.  Even now, writing this, the tears are welling up.  We were so desperate to start an IVF round in November last year.  To grab those eggs of mine before they got any older.  To be assured of getting a good embryo to transfer.  Now, two natural invalid pregnancies later, we are still waiting and my eggs are getting older.

So this cycle, there will no unprotected sex!!  It helps that Dave is away for most of the month with work!  And we will try for our fourth ICSI round next cycle.

I have had copious amounts of blood taken and am being tested for all sorts of things, including the antiobodies that can cause miscarriage.  So far all the tests have come back healthy, but the antibodies test takes longer to come in.  It could be a few more weeks yet before we now that one.

The positive thing in all of this, is that my body is trying to get pregnant.  We went three and a half years with only one pregnancy in that time and now...  two cycles in a  row, I have conceived.  Something has changed. 

• I think a lot of it has to do with having the polyp removed from my uterine wall last round.  
• It is also the prayers that were being said for an entire month by the monks in Japan which my beautiful friend organised for me on her holidays.  
• It could be the kinesiology sessions I have been having and the counselling sessions that are matching up with the kinesiology in a way that is just a little freaky.  
• I also like to think it's because we are married now.

Whatever the reason, it has given us, and even my doctor, a little more hope that if we can just find the right embryo, things will turn out well.

Briefly pregnant after wedding

As an adjunct to my post on our disrupted IVF round three, is a interesting little story!

We have some friends who were married a couple of years and are having some trouble trying to conceive as well.  Different circumstances as they are both young, but having trouble is still having trouble.

Anyway, R said to Dave one day, "there will be no pregnancy for you until there is a ring on your finger!"  He was joking mostly, but it was an interesting thing to say.  Sure enough, two weeks after our wedding, we got the phone call about the pregnancy.  Lets just ignore the fact the nurse also said that it wasn't looking good and she was right.

When we think back, we wonder if we conceived on our wedding night.  What a great story that would have been!  Three and a half years of trying and it took us to get married before got pregnant!

Even though it wasn't to be, I like to think that maybe there is some truth to R's half joking comment.  That now that we are married, will be the time for success!!!

Love and Light!

What will I do?

I was browsing through In Season Mom Cynthias blog this morning, reading some of her excellent articles and interviews, when I decided to look through her links to see what other over 40 mum blogs she had listed.  And there it was...  My name... New Mum Over 40.

I made that my name as a way of bringing into our lives our little one.  When we leave for our honeymoon on Dec 10, I will turn 44.  Seems I should change my name.  I'm no new mum, and I'm soon to be over 44.  The positive thinking is now nearly 4 years old with no results.

I still believe we will have a child.  For me, there is no alternative that I could possibly live with.  But, the further in we go, the more doubts creep in.  Every IVF round has progressively had more complications.  Admittedly, the last one was a result of a late diagnosis of a natural pregnancy that was failing.  But that meant no round at all and more delay and more aging of my eggs. Yet still, I have my fingers crossed for January.  I can't let go of the dream and the belief that it will work.

If we haven't succeeded before we get to the point of not being able to go on with the treatment, which will be next year, I don't know how I will cope.  Being a Mum is the only dream I have in my life.  I have achieved all the other things I've wanted to do.  I've had a good career, finished two degrees, I've travelled extensively, lived overseas and had the time and energy to do a lot of inner work and self development.  But I'm ready to let go of my career now.  The only thing I want in this whole world is to love and cherish and raise our child.  It's what I'm meant to do.

What will I do if that doesn't happen?

Dave and I only last weekend ended up having a conversation around that.  We were at the supermarkets and passed a screaming child.  "Something to look forward to", I said.  And he rolled his eyes and said "I know!"

And suddenly we were having a conversation of how it wouldn't be so bad.  We could go away whenever we wanted, travel the world for my 50th birthday etc etc.  Yes, we had both though of that.  Yet, as nice as that all sounds, it doesn't compare with having our own family.

What will we do if it doesn't happen?

Anticipation

This is the first time in three years that I am looking forward to getting my period.  It’s really quite bizarre!  I am keen to get started on the IVF drugs and get a step closer to possibly being a Mum.

Although I have to admit, if it takes a few days, that will probably be a good thing.  I started the Curves Complete program today and a few days on the eating plan will hopefully put me in a better place to deal with the drugs.  I’m posting about my journey with that in my Creating Peaceful Thoughts blog.  It won’t be an easy one for me either, but it is a wonderful opportunity to get pro-active once again with my positive thinking.

I feel better today about starting my first IVF round.  Last night, I went to bed feeling quite good and woke up the same way this morning.  It has been a while since that has been the case.  I have a strong feeling of things happening as they are meant to.

For instance, one of my goals these last two months was to lose weight so that when I got measured for my wedding dress, I would be down a size.  That didn’t happen.  In fact, although I had lost a couple of kilos, the ladies at the bridal store felt that I would be better to go up a size.  What??!!  Well, they made sense.  The dress will look much better with the laces tied up closer together and it’s only a number after all.  The good thing about it.  I still want to lose weight, but having the next size up dress, will give me room to move if I am pregnant and bubby needs the space!  And if not, it can always be taken in.

So, I’m happy about that.  It’s meant to be this way.  Life has waited until today to bring me to a place of good dietary changes in order to make sure I get a dress size that will ensure I can still wear it when pregnant!

What a confusing and crazy life I am leading at the moment.  It is all over the place.  I am so grateful that my working hours are down this year, so I have time to deal with all of this.  Time to enjoy all of this.  I would be a mess working as I used to as well as wedding planning, baby planning, and healthy lifestyle planning.

IVF

And so it begins…

We got all the IVF drugs today and will start our first round when I get my period in a few days.

To be absolutely honest, I am absolutely terrified.

I am going through a tough patch now, just with my life.  I am terrified about throwing this into the mix as well.  How am I going to react?  Will it be too much for me?  Will I lose the plot?  Will I end up in a full blown panic attack and in hospital?  That maybe an overreaction, but it is a thought that I truly and honestly feel all the time.

First thing is, I need to try and get on top of things.  I’m just not really sure how to go about that.  Everything I have tried over the last few weeks hasn’t even gotten off the ground.  But from tomorrow and especially from Monday, things need to be radically different.

The nurse said something interesting today.  She said that for every negative thought we have, we need 6 positive thoughts to counteract it.  Which roughly would mean I would need about 200 positive thought a day!  LOL  and a , but true.  It shows just how powerful our negative thoughts are.

She suggested starting a list of positive things to do, when the negativity / despair etc descends.  So Dave and I have put a little plan into action.  We have a grocery shopping app that links to both our phones.  Occasionally we have fun with it and leave each other messages.  Dave is going to do this for me now.  He is going to leave me positive, fun messages to try and help me through this phase I am in.  That in itself is a wonderfully positive thought!   

As for me, I need to find my own list.  I need to remember that this IVF thing is the most important thing in my life and I need to battle my inner demons with love and positivity in order for things to go well for me, for us and for our future baby.

Here goes!!

Ready

Day 14 and I’ve ovulated.  This means a normal, regular 28 day cycle.  What the??!!  That is unheard of for me!  So, I’m seeing it as a positive thing with the belief that my body has learnt from being pregnant for a brief time and has been reset to normal.  It has remembered what to do!

Positivity is reigning in my life today.  I’ve been sick for several days and I think the rest has been really good for me.  I’ve begun to change my story and have blogged about this on my other blog.  It is a good thing and I look forward to seeing how it evolves.

My doctor’s appointment is tomorrow.  Time to get things rolling for our first round of IVF.  With any luck, it won’t come to that, but I am now ready for it.  I’m looking forward to meeting a different OB with the hope that she is the right one for us.  She needs to have a positive approach to us trying to get pregnant over 40 and she needs to not dwell on my weight issues.  We know the over 40 and overweight statistics.  Just leave them in the background and stay focused on achieving pregnancy.  That is the support we need in this process.

And so be it!

Again??

Today I find myself wondering yet again “Am I pregnant?”  I’ve been having trouble sleeping the last few nights and I have sharp lower back pains.  Considering I have been sleeping really well for two weeks now and haven’t had lower back pains since I don’t know when – I am wondering.

Gosh, is every symptom in this two week wait going to make me thing maybe I am!

The difference now from a few months ago, is that I have been pregnant.  Before then, we had given up any hope that I was going to conceive naturally.  Now there is hope.  Now I have experienced what it was like for a just a few short weeks.  Now, I have some understanding of the symptoms.  Now I have faith again that it will happen.  In some ways, I am almost expecting it.  This is good!

Due to the lack of sleep, I am struggling to get through the day.  But once 3.30 rolls around, I intend to do a little bit of shopping for our dining table – which is always a fun thing to do and then go home and curl up in front the heater with the TV or a book and chill to the sound of the pouring rain.  I can’t wait.  That thought will get me through the day!!!

Beginning the journey back.

The only physical symptom that I’m having today is complete and utter exhaustion.  I just can’t seem to get back my energy levels.  But apart from that and slightly sore boobs, I’m grateful to be feeling so much better.

I woke up in a good emotional state and that has remained during the day.  I’m struggling with the exhaustion and the emotion of having to keep on keeping on.  But I’m so grateful to be getting better.

I’ve been able to relax this afternoon.  I worked in the morning and will again this evening.  But the afternoon has been all mine and I have chilled in front of a movie with a glass of wine.  Wonderful.

Somehow I will get through my big day tomorrow and then I have a small day on Thursday and the day off on Friday.  In between I do have to write reports.  I keep forgetting about them!!  Shite!  Have to hand them in Friday.  But I can probably do them that morning.  I’m prepared, I just need to get the words down.  It will be fine.

So, what now?  Well, I know it’s time to move on from the miscarriage and begin looking forward again.  Easier said than done.  I’m sure there is still more that I need to work through on an emotional level.  But that is where I feel I need to start directing my attention.  Forward.  To getting my life back on track.  To digging out of the hole and seeing the surface again. 

Mmmm…

It seems a bit impossible right now, but I will get there!!

Thank you everyone for all your wonderful support.  I have been blessed with your love and care.  It’s made a huge difference.  Thank you.

The Follow Up

We went back to the hospital yesterday for an ultra sound and another blood test.  Both confirmed the miscarriage.  The positive side is that there are no complications.  My ovaries and uterus look healthy. There is no ectopic pregnancy and no need for a clean out.  So that’s it.  It’s done.  And we start again.

It will probably take a few weeks for my body to get back to normal.  But hopefully I will return to ovulating next cycle. D pointed out the fact that for so long I didn’t feel that I had been ovulating.  And then I had two cycles we I finally felt that I had.  And on that second cycle we got pregnant!  So that is also a positive.  As long as I ovulate, we can conceive.

I told Queen Naturo yesterday and after talking about how devastated she is for us, she told us what we had heard several times at the hospital.  That it is quite common for a first pregnancy to end in miscarriage.  And then people can go on to have an easy pregnancy the second time around.  It’s as though the body has to be reminded of what to do!  I have had several stories since of people having that experience.  So another hopeful way of looking at things.  My 42 year old body has had a reminder of how to be pregnant!

Things in my body are gradually returning to normal.  With each new thing I notice, I feel a deep sense of sadness.  I so enjoyed all the signs of pregnancy.  It’s going to take a little while for me to recover.  It doesn’t matter how much how look at the positive side, I still have a grieving and healing process to go through.

Yesterday, the anger hit.  It was from the moment my eyes opened in the morning.  It didn’t last too long and I alternated between anger and sadness and a feeling of deep emptiness.  The anger seems to have disappeared now.  Now I alternate between normality and sadness.  It is good to have normality appear in the scheme of things!  A step forward.

Miscarriage

I had a miscarriage yesterday.  I don't need to go into how sad we are or what we went through at the hospital and at home.  I'm sure you all know yourselves or at least, can imagine.

What I want to focus on instead, is the positive side of things that we are aware of, even though that awareness may be a little in the distance at the moment.

The doctor gave us the first one.  She said that while it is terrible that we have miscarried, the fact is that we now know that we CAN get pregnant naturally.  We know we can achieve it.  We have a ray of hope.  And when my body has recovered, we will try again.

We will be able to finish more of the painting in the house.   We have been renovating for the last few months.  And hadn't finished painting yet.  D was going to have to do it on his own, once the new kitchen had gone in.  But now we can finish it together over the next few weeks.

We are very grateful that we hadn't gone away for the long weekend.  We had intended going to our property in the middle of nowhere but decided not to.  So grateful that we didn't.  It would have been a disaster being there considering what happened.

The staff at the hospital were wonderful.  When we arrived at emergency, we were put to the top of the list and given a short-term stay room.  And the care and treatment we received was fantastic.  Thank you to the hospital staff.

I go back to the hospital tomorrow for a scan and some more tests to try and determine what went wrong and to ensure that there isn't an ectopic pregnancy.  But going on my pregnancy hormones from the blood test it looks unlikely.  It seems that, for whatever reason, the pregnancy just wasn't destined to be. 

Today we have had to make a phone calls to our parents and the two close friends we told we were pregnant.  But for the most part, we are resting, taking it easy and healing.

A beginning

  I made a good start today on the Marianne Williamson book “A Course In Weight Loss”.  I think it will be a good step forward in the right direction for me.

I also downloaded the two radio shows she has done on this so far from Hay House Radio.  I am halfway through the first one.

It is amazing how much she just nails the whole issue.  She really gets it.  And I am going to make a concerted effort to go deep into the process that she takes her readers.

As such, I think it is a topic more suited to my Creating Peaceful Thoughts blog.  That is exactly what it is about – changing my mindset.  So while any progress ont his will hopefully help us conceive, any further entries on this issue I will do over there.

Love and light to you all.

NM over40 (to be!)

xx