Second Scan at 8 weeks

Our second scan and its still good news!  Dave has finally started letting himself feel excited about it now.  Things are progressing so well.

I was so nervous and anxious going into the scan.  Please let there still be a heartbeat, show me the heartbeat... and there it was!  Beating faster than last time, exactly as it should be, and bubby has grown beautifully.  This time he/she measured exactly as he/she should.  Pheww!!

Our OB is really pleased and the nurse actually put her hand on my knee and said "it looks like this one is going to go all the way".  Not something they would say lightly in a fertility clinic!

I didn't mention last week about the nausea that I felt which started Sunday night and didn't start easing until after the scan Monday night.  By Tuesday it was gone.  I assumed it was the start of morning sickness.  But I haven't felt that way since and there is only one possible reason for it - unconsciously I was sick with worry about our first scan.  I wasn't feeling it on the outside, but boy did my body manifest how I was feeling internally.  I couldn't eat all day Monday.  Dave made some soup for dinner and I was able to get some of that down, but I was so ill all day.  The OB asked me if I thought it was nerves.  I didn't know at the time.  But now I do.  I was ill with unconscious worry.  It's amazing how the body will manifest things even if we don't consciously know that we are feeling a certain way. 

So, aside from a few moments of feeling nauseus this week - in a different way than I felt on Monday - I have had no morning sickness at all.  No vomiting at all.  I am feeling quite blessed that I am one of the 25% of women that don't get it - so far at least!!  lol.   I had always been told that morning sickness was a good sign, so when I didn't get it, of course there was a little bit of concern.  But I asked Louise yesterday, and she said she didn't get it either.  That's it's all good. 

Thank goodness.  And I have to say, is I deserve a bit of a relief from something with all that I've gone through, particularly in the last 6 months.  Yea!!!

Dave took a video of the monitor showing our babies beating heart and we get photos in the mail next week.  So, we are now starting babies photo and video collection!  That's exciting!

I know we still have 5 weeks to go before we can feel safe and clear, but it feels really exciting now.  I'm starting to feel like this baby is a part of me and thats a good feeling.

I've had people telling me stories of women who miscarried at 12 weeks.  Why do they tell us things like that at this stage??  I know we are still at risk and so many things can go wrong, but I don't want to think that way.  This is an exciting time and I intend to try to bring only positive energy and good thoughts into my body and spirit.  All is going well!

Love and Light
xxx

I AM...

I am pregnant
I AM pregnant
I am PREGNANT!!


Today I went to see my kinesiologist.  What an amazing woman she is.  I told her that I was pregnant but I didn't like the place that I was in.  I was worried and stressed and tired and I knew that it wasn't good for me or the baby.

I walked out of that session feeling like a different person.  The excitement is back, the trust is back, the surety that we are succeeding is back.  The loving connection with our little one is back.  My grounding is back and my spiritual connection is back.  I feel happy!

I never mentioned the word "trust" to her, but it came up several times throughout the session.  What also came up, over and over, was my fear, anxiety and worry.  Fear of disappointment.  Fear that I will be disappointed again.

It turns out that the fear and worry were not just on a surface level but were emerging deep from my unconscious.  A lifetime of fear and worry was emerging and being reflected into worry for my baby.

Carolyn cleared all of that.  She reopened my connection to Spirit and aligned my energy once more.  I'm amazed at how much better I feel.  I feel much more secure in the process.  I feel greater Trust that things are working well.

She asked me if I could remember a time when I completely trusted in the process of my life, of the universe unfolding.  And I couldn't.  I don't remember ever feeling like that.  Now it's time that I did.  Anytime the fear emerges, I need to delete that file and replace it with the new one of Trust and acceptance.  Of living in the moment.  And in this moment right now, I AM PREGNANT!  I rejoice in that, I feel the joy, I feel the love for our tiny little bundle of cells that are still dividing and growing just like the nurse told me that they were.

After the trust question, Carolyn asked me if I could remember a time when I felt truly at peace and calm with my life.  And I do remember that.  Just one period in my life.  It was just before I met Dave.  A few months before, I had broken up from a destructive relationship and I was just beginning to get my life back again.  I don't know why, or how it happened, or how to recreate it, but for several months, my life was good.  I was constantly feeling the peacefulness of life, the simplicity of life.  I was always taking time to connect with Spirit and centre myself.  I was eating well, exercising daily, with no problems or addictive behaviours or thoughts. 

I've often wanted to go back to that time in my life.  Perhaps now is the time to recreate it.  Perhaps now I am ready.

Thank you Carolyn for helping me to move past the fear that I have been living with the last few weeks.  Thank you Spirit for leading me to Carolyn a few months ago.  I do credit her as a significant part of how we were able to finally conceive.

I asked her if she knew of any meditiation CD's that would be good for me to stay connected.  And she has given me some ideas.  So, I'm going to follow through on that and hopefully find the exact right one for me.

I Am Pregnant!!
:):):):):):)

Trust

This post is designed to try and pull me out of my fear and back into Trust, cause I really need to.

I had my final blood test before our scan on Monday.  Everything is still going forward.  My HCG levels are now just under 10,000 and the other hormones are progressing as well.  But it just all seems to have slowed down.

I was expecting the hormones to be around 15,000 give or take.  So when they weren't I questioned how the progress was going.  The nurse assured me that you can't give a lot of status to the numbers at this stage.  According to their pregnancy hormone chart, I am still doing fine.  It is the scan on Monday that will really tell us what is going on.  All going well, we will hear a heartbeat or two.  She said the fact that hormones are still increasing shows that the cells are still dividing and progressing.  That I wasn't to worry.

I'm just not sure if she is just trying to comfort me until the scan or she really believes that things are going ok.

I'm so scared that things have slowed down and aren't progressing properly anymore.

I need to let go of this fear and Trust.  But I'm not sure how to do that.

I think what I will do for now is lay down and do my Light and Love meditation.  Imagine bubby (ies) inside me and send them all the good energy I can.  Deep breathing will also relax me and get me focused on what is important.  Being positive about our pregnancy and trusting that all is going ok.

This isn't an easy process.  It's hard to feel the joy.  But we are still further along than we have ever gotten before and I need to be grateful for that and allow that to generate Hope.

Deep breaths.

Trust.

Be so thankful and amazed that we have gotten this far.

Let go.

Anxiety and another blood test

Thursday afternoon saw me in tears with worry and calling the clinic for another blood test.  I'd been trying so hard not to be anxious about how things were going.  I was doing really well until Thursday arvo!

After the phone call I felt so much better just knowing I was getting checked the next day.  My pregnancy hormones have gone up nicely.  Not as much as I hoped for or expected but still at the top of the range of the chart I put up yesterday and the nurse was happy with the HCG numbers as well as my oestrogen and progesterone.  HCG 4890.  Up from 1938 on Monday.  So we are still going along fine.  Phewww!

I really do feel so much better now.  I'm starting to feel more relaxed and trusting in the process.  And able to just let things progress however they progress.

I do wish that I would stop brown spotting though.  I had it about a week ago and it started again two days ago.  I know that it is nothing to worry about.  Brown blood is old blood.  But I really would prefer not to have it!!

Anita asked me a few questions in her comment yesterday so I thought I would answer them here!  Hi Anita!  And Hi Jen as well.  Thank you for you comments!

"Sooo... how ya feelin'?! :) Sleeping well? Any cravings yet? Tired?"

How AM I feeling?
It's such a mix of feelings going on.  I don't feel that I've gotten to the point of being excited yet (after the initial BFP that is!).  I think that might happen once we get to hearing the heartbeat.
Any time I have any symptomatic pains I am really happy.  The morning I woke up and my boobs didn't hurt, I got worried. Come to think of it - that was Thursday!  But they started hurting again later in the day!  YEA!!!  lol
Today though, I am mostly feeling pretty calm and that is good.

Sleeping well?
Yes, apart from the hot/cold thing.  Blankets on, blankets off, blankets on, blankets off.  I just keep going back and forth with my body temperature.
Oh, and I've upped my water intake, so I'm going to the toilet at least twice during the night as well!
But, I am going back to sleep straight away and getting enough sleep.

Cravings? 
No.  Expect for wanting to eat really well with lots of vegetables and very little sugary treats.  I'm amazed at what I am not craving.  I have none of the food cravings that I usually have with my food addiction.  I still have problems with the mental need for compulsive eating, but as I absolutely don't want junk, it is not eventuating.  Most interesting.

Tired? 
Yes!  On and off.  I am able to rest quite a bit, so I take advantage of it and any tiredness I have is not overwhelming me.

Well, thats it for today!  Thank you everyone for you support.  Oo, yes I am a little excited now!  Nice!

Love and Light
xx

Third blood test

We had our third blood test on Monday - at 5 weeks/Day 35 - and things are still looking good.  My HCG levels had risen to 1938 - up from 265 on Friday.   Working on the premise of them doubling every two days, I didn't expect them to be that high.  However, the nurse said that was where they would expect them to be and on looking up an on-line chart, it was confirmed.

HCG Levels in Single and Twin Pregnancy
Days from LMP*	HCG Range** for Singleton Pregnancy	HCG Range for Multiple Pregnancy
28	9.4-120	9.5-120
33	300-600	200-1,800
36	1,200-1,800	2,400-36,000
40	2,400-4,800	8,700-108,000
45	12,000-60,000	72,000-180,000
70	96,000-144,000	348,000-480,000

Going from this chart, it looks like we may only have one, not two bubbies growing.  But until confirmed, I am going to continue talking to two of them!

Our first scan has been cancelled now.  This clinic will just wait for the seven week scan (rather than doing a six week scan as well), which in my case, will be seven and a half weeks (fingers crossed!).  I am a little disappointed, but I understand.  They feel that there wouldn't be much to see any earlier than that and there certainly wouldn't be a heartbeat, so it wouldn't be to my advantage to scan earlier.

As long as I keep getting regularly checked with blood tests so I know things are going ok, then that will be alright.

It is up to me how often I get blood tested.  The OB says that at this stage, they will do whatever I need to feel comfortable and not stressed.  Isn't that amazing???  It's such a great clinic!  And our OB Louise is just awesome.  And while I am debating with myself about getting tested on Friday, I think Monday will be fine.  A week will give us a really good idea on what is happening and besides, it is stressful waiting for the results of tests as well!!

I am still nervous about it all.  I think it will be quite some time before that disappears.  Each test has helped me to feel better and I hope that each upcoming test will continue in the same way.

In the meantime, I keep remembering to TRUST.  It helps me so much to just let go and accept.  It brings a joy over the pregnancy and a feeling of letting go of all the worries that I have.  I just have to say it constantly, because I keep forgetting!

There are so many people out there, including us, praying for us and have their fingers crossed that our pregnacy continues to blossom.  It is wonderful to know how we are being supported by our friends and family and also by Spirit.

Follow up test

After a stressful couple of days, todays test results show that our pregnancy is progressing really well!!!  HCG levels have gone from 99 two days ago, to 265 today - they've nearly tripled!!

I am SO relieved!  We are still pregnant!

It's been a tough two days.  Once the initial excitement were off, I started worrying.  Please, please, please embies, keep growing, snuggle in, HCG levels keep rising.  I've been so scared.  I've been really trying not to but it's just been there.  Waiting for these results have been so much harder than waiting for the initial result saying we were pregnant.  It felt like there was so much more at stake.

And then I started spotting a little.  The leftover crinone began releasing with specks of colour in it.  Mostly the colour was brown, but sometimes it wasn't so brown.  And then today I started spotting more.  Once again though, mostly old blood.  The times when it wasn't quite brown absolutely terrified me.

And the results took so long to come in.  I was expecting them by 2 pm at the latest.  They didn't come in till 5 pm.  It's been a tough day.  But finally they arrived and I couldn't believe the number.  265!!!

The nurse said not to worry about the spotting.  The crinone release is normal and as long as the blood is old it is all good.  As for the couple of times I felt it wasn't quite old, she said is could be anything.  Implantation blood even.  Shes taken note of it and will follow up on Monday but she said not to worry.  That my levels were terrific.  And we are doing everything that needs to be done.  She said go away and have a relaxing Easter!  Things are progressing well.

I go in again on Monday for a final follow up blood test.  That one should be around 1000 in hcg levels.  So fingers crossed.

A friend said today that I just need to trust.  TRUST.  It is a good word.  A reassuring word.  A word of faith and belief.  A word of confidence.  A word of peacefulness, serenity, love.  I like it.

This afternoon I started wearing around my wrist, the pouch of buddhist prayers my dear friend brought back from Japan with me.  It is the one that I had with me on our wedding day, and I took with me to both the egg harvest and embryo transfer.  It really helped me to settle down a little this afternoon.  And I guess it brought with it Trust and Faith.

It is still on my wrist!

So now I go away with Trust in my heart and soul and know that once again we are progressing well through each step of the IVF process.

It worked!

I know its early days BUT......................

I'm pregnant!!!!!!!

It worked!

YEAAAAAAAAA!

Okay, now that the excitement is expressed....  the details!

I got tested a day early for two reasons - I had to call the clinic about another matter and earlier in the day I cheated and took a home pregnancy test which was positive!   The funny story is that the nurse guessed I had taken the test!  I asked her how long the pregnyl stays in your system because I wondered if maybe I was getting a false positive.  She answered my question and then said "You took a pregnancy test didn't you??!!"  LOL  :):)  When I told the nurse yes, she said, "Well, lets get you tested a day early!" 

My HCG levels were 99 - which is great.  My estrogen and progesterone levels are also good.  The nurse even started talking about my 6 week scan and my due date and, wow, I couldn't believe it!

The next step is another test in two days to see if the the pregnancy is developing as it should.  And then I will have another follow up next week.  The prayers will continue and the fingers will still be tightly crossed for the next week(s).

It worked! We made it to this the biggest step along the journey.  Yes, there are still more steps to go before we are safe.  None of my pregnancies have made it passed 6 weeks, but so far so fantastic!!

My other pregnancies were natural conceptions.  This one feels better because good embryos were selected, I'm being monitored and I'm on drugs to assist the pregnancy.

Part of me is scared to be excited.  Another part of is so relieved!  I'm pregnant.  All that I've gone through is, so far, paying fruition.  I think I will stick with the excited emotion for a while and run with it.  I'm going to talk to my baby/babies and keep encouraging them to grow.  I'm going to keep doing my golden white light meditations.

The journey isn't over but we've finally made it this far!

Thank you, thank you!

A new symptom and some relief!

I had to call the clinic today because, just to add to the list of side effects and things I have to take, I have developed thrush!  I was worried about what that would do to the potential pregnancy and what I could take to treat it.  In the past, the only thing that has worked for me has been the one dose tablet, the creams have never been successful.  However I can't take the tablet, I have to do the cream, so fingers crossed it works.  That means in the morning I do the thrush cream and in the evening the crinone.  Ah, the things we do!!  I was warned it might all be a little messy.  Ooooooo!!

I am just completely relieved that the thrush infection will not harm the embryos.  The nurse said that some women do get thrush as a result of all the hormones we are taking.  I haven't experienced it before so something different yet again for this cycle!  I found it amazing how every cycle has been so different.  Our bodies are just incredible works of art!

It was really good to talk to the nurses today after having the weekend with no contact.  I guess I built up a few questions without realising it because I asked a lot and learnt a lot!

I was relieved to know that the only thing that will affect the embryos is overheating.  Not any activity I do such as housework etc.  I must make sure my core temperature does not get too high.  All the other pains I have been having are the ovaries still healing from theatre and the multitude of hormones - nothing to do with the embryos.  Phewww!  I did suspect that, going on the position of the pain, but it was a relief to hear it from the professionals.

Jane (my fav nurse!) said that I can do all my activities as normal, but as soon as I feel any pain to stop and either not do it, or pass it on to Dave. 

I have been feeling a lot better today and managed a medium paced 30 minute walk this morning.  I stayed close to home, walking back and forth along the streets, in case I needed to come back and I was definitely ready to return after 25 minutes.  I've also done a little bit of housework but found that it stirred up some ovary pain and discomfort and I stopped.

So, its still been resting today and light activities.  I've sorted out my school bag (small suitcase on wheels) so I'm not carrying so many teaching materials and that has left me enough space to put my computer in the suitcase.  One less thing over my shoulder.  I will get Dave to weigh it tonight and make sure it is not over 10 kilos - the limit the OB said I should lift.  I only have a short day tomorrow, so that will be good.

I feel a large sense of relief at what I have learnt today.  My babies are secure and safe and hopefully continuing to grow and flourish.

Love and Light
xx

IVF round two

Round Two was a long time ago now.  Back in August I think.  Once again there were complications.

After my first scan to check the progress of the follicular growth, it was discovered that I had a polyp on my uterine wall.  The clinic sent me off for a 3D scan to get a good look at it.

The waiting room for the 3D scan was filled with pregnant women with their young children running around their feet.  They were there to get a look at their new growing child.  I was there from complications with just trying to get one.  But the scan staff were fantastic, kind and caring and the experience went off without a hitch.

The polyp was confirmed and that meant that during my harvest surgery, they would remove it.  It also meant that any embryos would need to be frozen because they wouldn't be able to be put transfer them after the surgery to remove the polyp. 

The surgery turned out to be a little more complicated, because the polyp was embedded in the uterine wall.  Rather than tying it off and removing it, they had to cut into the wall and dig it out.  Yuck!!! 
And also my ovaries had decided to hide away and they had to push and prod them into place to get out the follicles.  Unfortunately, they weren't able to get them all.

We only got 6 eggs that round.  I think five of them fertilised, but only one grew to a size that was valid.  However, that one was a much better quality than the one we got last time.  So, it was frozen and is waiting for us to implant.

Our Round Three was going to just be a harvest.  We were going to freeze any embryos we got rather than implanting straight away.  The reasons were multiple. 
One, there is quite an argument now about whether it is better to freeze and implant into a natural cycle or put the fresh embryos into a stimulated cycle.  Many clinics are now exclusively doing the freeze and implant later. 
Second, I was really keen to do a harvest and freeze before we left for our honeymoon.  Every month that passes, is a month more aging of my eggs.  I so wanted to get some more and not let two more months pass.  So, that is another thing so dissappointing about our round three.  We weren't able to get any embryos.

My OB is on the fence with regards to natural versus frozen transfer.  However, with the other circumstances going on for us right now that would cause emotional stress which is not good for the success of a round, she agreed that it was best to freeze and implant in January.  With that not happening due to the complications of round three, we will probably do a full round including fresh transfer in January, rather than freeze.

Now, I am concerned about the timing of round 4.  It all depends on when my next period occurs.  They have predicted 10 - 14 days after the trigger injection.  Which means I could start my period after that during the Christmas/New Year week when they are closed.  That would just suck.  So when I go for my blood tests on Friday, I will talk them about all of that.  We still have the drugs, so it is possible we will be able to start ourselves for the first few days and see them straight away in the the New Year.  Or maybe we will just conceive naturally on our honeymoon cruise to New Zealand!!!  Now that would be awesome!!  And the timing could be right!

January will be a great month for me to do a round.  It will be the summer holidays, I will be totally relaxed and refreshed from our cruise and I will be stress free with no work until February.  Keep your fingers crossed that it all works out.

IVF

And so it begins…

We got all the IVF drugs today and will start our first round when I get my period in a few days.

To be absolutely honest, I am absolutely terrified.

I am going through a tough patch now, just with my life.  I am terrified about throwing this into the mix as well.  How am I going to react?  Will it be too much for me?  Will I lose the plot?  Will I end up in a full blown panic attack and in hospital?  That maybe an overreaction, but it is a thought that I truly and honestly feel all the time.

First thing is, I need to try and get on top of things.  I’m just not really sure how to go about that.  Everything I have tried over the last few weeks hasn’t even gotten off the ground.  But from tomorrow and especially from Monday, things need to be radically different.

The nurse said something interesting today.  She said that for every negative thought we have, we need 6 positive thoughts to counteract it.  Which roughly would mean I would need about 200 positive thought a day!  LOL  and a , but true.  It shows just how powerful our negative thoughts are.

She suggested starting a list of positive things to do, when the negativity / despair etc descends.  So Dave and I have put a little plan into action.  We have a grocery shopping app that links to both our phones.  Occasionally we have fun with it and leave each other messages.  Dave is going to do this for me now.  He is going to leave me positive, fun messages to try and help me through this phase I am in.  That in itself is a wonderfully positive thought!   

As for me, I need to find my own list.  I need to remember that this IVF thing is the most important thing in my life and I need to battle my inner demons with love and positivity in order for things to go well for me, for us and for our future baby.

Here goes!!