Saturday, May 25, 2013

Our weekend escape

Im writing this post on my tablet from a b and b in the country. It is a pain to type but hear I go anyway. Dave is having a nap and I am sipping red wine. It has been good to get away.

This morning we walked along the beach and then took a picnic lunch to a lovely waterfall in the forest. And that was after a soothing dip in the spa after bacon and eggs for breakfast. Just lovely.

Ive stopped crying. Now my emotions are just confused. I am looking forward to seeing the shrink on monday and starting to get some help with it all.

Ive said my goodbyes and let go of the little soul that was with us for a short time. I miss him/her. My child. I hope one day it can return.

There are so many things to say about how ive been feeling but it is too hard to type on the tablet.

I need to see all my family at once tomorrow at my great nephews first birthday party. That is going to be hard. But I want to go. Its an important day for my niece.

Thank you for the lovely supportive comments. They meant a lot.

Love and light

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

It's over.

On Monday, I went with my Mum to my 12 week scan.  It showed that our baby had died about a week ago.  I keep seeing our lifeless baby on the screen and the look on the doctors face as he prepared to tell me.  I could see the heart on the screen with no movement.  I could see the shape of our baby, his arms and legs, his head.  Just all still.  Those images will haunt me forever.

I also keep remembering what our previous scan was like.  Seeing the heartbeat, watching our child kick his legs and wave his arms.  We were so ecstatic. 

But now it's over.  And we are devastated.  I had to call Dave and tell him over the phone.  He is devastated he wasn't there with me.  We didn't expect it.  Everything was going so well.  It was a routine scan. 

I asked Mum to come with me when Dave's work prevented him from going.  She was so excited.  She had never seen a baby ultrasound before.  They weren't around when I was born.  I am so glad she was able to come with me and I wasn't alone.

I had a d and c at the hospital yesterday.  Physically I am recovering well.  Emotionally - well, that's another story.  After going home on Monday and starting to grieve, we decided to book in the d and c for the next day.  The doctor said I could wait for our child to miscarry naturally but it may take a week or two before my body realised I wasn't pregnant.  And even then, there was a 50% chance that I may still have needed a d and c.  I couldn't wait for so many reasons.  One, I couldn't go through the miscarriage on my own.  It would be just too awful.  Two, the thought of my child being dead inside me was just too traumatic to bear.  Even after just a few hours it was messing with me.

I am distraught that it is over.  I feel empty.  I am heartbroken.

I am seeing my naturopath today to get what I need to deal with this both physically and emotionally.  And I am seeing my shrink on Monday.  I am searching for ways to honor our child and looking around at support groups.  We are thinking that the best thing for us to do to honor him/her would be planting a tree.  Maybe a fruit tree in our backyard.

Our first baby scan photos from the fertility clinic arrived in the mail today - 4 weeks late.  What awful timing.  I don't know what to do with them.  Maybe one day I will be able to look at them.  Not now.

Dave is working from home today.  He doesn't want to be away from me at the moment and I don't want to be alone.  We need each other.

Thank you everyone for all your support throughout our journey.  The journey isn't over yet, but it is for the next few months while we both recover emotionally and while my body recovers.  The last seven months have been gruelling and to have it end like this...  well there aren't really any words.  We need time.

We have decided to go away this weekend.  We have booked a little heritage bed and breakfast about an hour's drive away in the country.  It is by the beach.  I am looking forward to the quiet and the fresh sea air to begin to heal our grief.  It will take time, but this weekend away will be a good start.

Love and Light

Monday, May 13, 2013

Mothers Day

My wonderful husband surprised me in the morning with my first ever Mothers Day card and a gift voucher to buy maternity clothes when I need to.  My first ever Mother's Day!  Does it count if you haven't given birth yet??  I've decided it does!!

It was such a lovely surprise and put a huge smile on my miserable face!  Yes, my face has been pretty miserable for the last couple of weeks.  My hemorrhoids/fissure have been excruciating and are taking so long to heal.  The last couple of days though have been better thank goodness.  I only have one more day that I can use the cream so I hope it will be alright this week.

I've put together a list of foods and natural therapies that will continue to help me.  I know that I started this only using natural treatments and it didn't work, but I'm hoping that now I am recovering, I can use them to maintain and use a better choice of foods to keep my constipation under control.

I am also really struggling with tiredness due to both the hemorrhoids as well as the pregnancy in general.  And of course, I haven't been able to exercise - it has been difficult to even walk - and I know that exercise helps with the constipation as well as energy levels.  I just have no energy to do anything.  I sleep for a couple of hours during the day as well as getting a full nights sleep and am happiest if I am just laying down and reading.

I hate the feeling of no motivation and no energy or ability to do the simplest of tasks.  It's not all the time but the majority of the time and is causing me a a lot of guilt and concern.  I know I need to be active, I just can't seem to manage it at the moment.

So somehow, I have to let go of the guilt and just let this moment in the pregnancy take its course.  David is so understanding and wants me just to rest and heal and not worry about anything.  He is driving me to my rehearsal tonight because he knows that my bottom will be screaming after driving for an hour and rehearsing sitting down for two hours.  He says "how on earth are you going to manage to drive home for another hour".  So, he is driving me in, he will have dinner in town and then hang out for a while till the end of my rehearsal.  Thank you honey.  I didn't even think of asking him.

What he doesn't realise as well though, is how much it is helping me with my energy.  Just the thought of going to rehearsal tonight was draining me.  But having him take me and support me, lifts such a burden off my shoulders.  I will be okay.  I love him so much.

I'm doing it tough.  The whole journey has been tough.  And I feel like I'm constantly at the edge of breaking point.  But throughout it all is the wonderful miracle that I am pregnant.  And when I let go of the worry and doubt of that and trust that things are going well, then it makes everything worthwhile.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Scan update

We're back from our scan and all is looking good!  Thank goodness.  The baby is measuring a little small - the dating being about 6 days out.  But the OB is not worried and bubby has continued to grow since Monday's scan. 

It is all just amazing, but the MOST amazing thing was we were watching the incredible heartbeat - all 4 chambers clearly visible - and all of a sudden bubby starts kicking his/her legs and waving his/her arms, moving around so much!!!  It was incredible.  Dave and I both let out an "OH my god!!!!" and started laughing!

I don't think I've ever seen anything so wonderful!  And being able to see so much activity from our child was so reassuring.  Bubby is alive and active!

Now I have the headspace and heartspace to find my 'Trust' again. It's been so hard the last few days.  OB Chris has booked me in Monday week for another informal scan purely for my reassurance.  He is just fantastic!

When we left our appointment on Monday, I heard him ask the receptionist if Louise was in and I wondered if that was our fertility OB.  Was he going to consult with her??  And today, when he offered the extra scan, he said "after all you've been through, I'm happy to give you the reassurance".  I'm wondering if he has spoken to her about us and she filled him in on some of the hardships we have faced.

On the way home, Dave also told me that when I went to toilet on Monday during the appointment, he spoke to Chris alone and said that I do have anxiety problems and he wanted to make sure I was monitored consistently so I wasn't worrying.  Possibly part of the reason he offered the extra scan.  I love my husband!!  He is taking care of me so amazingly well.  And so will OB Chris.  Just one of the nicest, sincere men.  I am grateful.

Love and Light

10 weeks

We met with our new OB on Monday.  He is wonderful and we are so happy with him.  It doesn't matter that it takes us an hour to get there!  I am just so relieved to be in good care by a lovely guy who specializes in high risk pregnancies.  Very reassuring.

We had another scan which showed a wonderful heartbeat.  All things were good - except for the size of our baby.  The baby measured small which is not good.  However, Chris (OB) was having some problems with the scanner and it is also possible that it was the position of the baby as was the case with our first scan.

So, we have another scan today in the scanning facility, not in his office.  All the high tech equipment on hand and we will find out for sure.  He wanted to leave it for a few days so he could see that even if the baby is small, that at least he/she is still growing.

Please keep your fingers crossed for us.  I've been trying to stay calm and relaxed doing meditations and continuing to talk to our little one, but this of course is worrying me.  As the weeks go by, our baby is feeling more and more a part of me.  If anything goes wrong...

And to top of my week, I have had the worst case of hemorrhoids and fissure that I have ever had!!  OOWWWWW!  To the point that I called Dave two days "babbling hysterically" as he called it.  He was home from work 20 minutes later, on the phone to the hospital, down to the chemist for medications and had me booked in to the doctor a couple of hours later.  What a man!!

They started a few weeks ago, once the constipation set in.  I am prone to them, however I couldn't treat them the way I normally would.  So, I went down the natural path - eating prunes firstly, then taking homeopathics, extra fibre.  But they continued to get worse and worse.  On Monday the OB said I can actually use my normal treatment but to be cautious I should wait until 14 weeks.

Well, by the end of that day, I'm thinking I can't wait.  And sure enough the next day, I was crying hysterically.  We got reassurances from both the hospital and the doctor on the treatment and along with some additional medications, I am now getting better.  But I am still sitting on the ring cushion!!

And of course, this is only the first trimester.  I am going to really have to take care of this all the way through my pregnancy - especially third trimester.  But at least from now on, I can treat it straight away.  What fun!!  :(

All I can say is thank goodness I am on the mend!

So now I wait patiently for our scan this afternoon, hoping for the big sigh of relief that will come with a good size and heartbeat.

Love and light