Thursday, June 20, 2013

Searching for what helps

I've started to write a post several times and have ended up deleting it all.  It's just so hard to write about what has being going on for me for the last four weeks.  And in the end, it all just sounds so depressing and not something I can imagine anyone else wanting to read.

But, time is marching on, I'm allowing my emotions to run the course that they need to, and while I am still struggling with so many things, I am now at a point of trying to find my way through them, of trying to recover.  As well as sharing my journey in cyber space, this blog has always been a way for me to document our fertility journey.  While I couldn't post about the last few weeks when I was in it, I can now document what I've been dealing with by describing how I am trying to get beyond it.  A positive, forward thinking conversation rather than one of being in the depths of the emotions.

The loss of motherhood

This has been one of the hardest things that is happening.   I've felt such despair and heartache and an incredible sense of loss and nothingness.  So, I've had to begin to look at the rest of my life.  What I am going to do with it now?  For years, it has always been about working towards spending it caring for our children.  Now it has to be something different.  And it has to be something good or I'm going to go completely insane.

So, Dave and I crunched the figures and made the decision that we will live frugally so I can take the rest of the year off from teaching.  As it is turning out, for several reasons I can't bring myself to leave one of my schools, so I will still have a day a week of teaching, plus the day a week still working for my brother on his bookwork.

I need to time to find myself, to recover spiritually, physically and emotionally.  And I have to find something that I am passionate about.  I believe that will be a change of career and direction.  I've been teaching now for 25 years.  And I was probably over it 5 years ago!  But it was always going to be a really good option to fit in with motherhood.  Now, I have to time to search and meditate on what my life will be in the future. 

It brings sadness to my heart to know what has brought me to this place in my life, but I am grateful to have such a wonderful husband to support me through these changes and to allow me the time to find myself.

The loss of hope and the fear of pregnancy

Somewhere in the back of all of this is the knowledge that we have another shot.  We have a frozen embryo to implant.  But I have completely lost any sense of hope or positivity that we will ever be successful. Thus, all of the above stuff.  And I have such an overwhelming fear of being pregnant and going through it all again.

All my life, no matter what the circumstances, I have always had hope and positivity that things will work out.  To lose that core part of me is... gosh I can't think of a word for it.  I am completely lost.  I am flattened by not having these feelings of hope to ground me and keep me positive - to keep me moving forward.

The only thing I've been able to do is to just wait.  Wait and see how these feelings developed, to see where the journey of healing leads me.

Combine that with the absolute fear of pregnancy that I now have.  I am terrified of trying again.  I don't want to.  How can I possibly go through it again.  I had such a hard time of it in the 12 weeks that I was pregnant that I just don't believe my old 40 something body capable of it.

Once again, I am allowing myself the time to accept these feelings for what they are right now.  Allow them to be, try not to supress them as is my usual form, and let them heal and evolve.

More solutions

So, I'm working through it.  I know I'm in survival mode.  My old patterns of survival have surfaced and I know that I'm squashing down a lot of emotions.  But in the end, I will work through all of this new stuff as well as all of my old stuff.

One really important way of doing that has been through clutter clearing.  I have gone through my house like there is no tomorrow.  I have thrown out a full rubbish bin worth of stuff.  Stuff that I don't use, stuff that has no meaning to me anymore, stuff that is now too old.  My home is becoming less cumbersome, more organised, more clear.

And I've had this strange feeling of being more a part of my home, living more fully in it, and in turn, living more fully in myself.  It's a new feeling and not really solid yet, but something is definitely going on there.

I've also gotten back to swimming.  After having a weeks trial at my local pool, I've joined for a 6 month membership.  Getting in the water is so therapeutic.  I just love it.  And after I've swam my laps, I just revel in it, floating and going under the water.  The exercise is doing wonders for me - there is just something about what swimming does for the body.  And the water is doing wonders for my soul.

So, I might be a mess, but I'm working through it.  I'm seeing my therapist as well as my kinesiologist and they are both helping in their usual freaky combined way.  After today's session with the kinesiologist, I feel like maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to swim and not sink (no pun intended, but how appropriate!). 

Part of me feels like it's a betrayal to our child to be getting better, but I know I can't think that way.  I will always remember and I know that our child would want me to be well and remember with love, not despair.   So, as I stay positive with this blog, searching for the good and the helpful things that are in my life, I will continue to move forward.

Love and Light


  1. I am so sorry you have to go thru all this, but I can say with all my heart I so understand the place you are in right now. I was there too, three years. After our second miscarriage, I didn't want to try scared and it took months for me to get to a comfortable place to attempt it, but by then we were told that I was starting premenopause and the only way would be adoption. Give yourself the time you need, however long that is well that is an individual thing. You will know in your heart what is the right way to go. So, glad you have a supportive spouse, it so helps...enjoy the time off from the stresses of working full-time. I didn't have the opportunity and sometime looking back I wish I had, but I love my job now and have accepted our fate. There is life after being childless, I know that is hard to see right now, but I am living it and have to say I am enjoying it now even when I couldn't imagine it back 3 years ago. I will pray and hope for peace, comfortable and happiness for you both.

  2. I'm so glad you posted again. I've been thinking of you and sending healing thoughts of love your way. It's not possible to see the view at the top of the mountain from the bottom (or even the middle). I know things will change. It may not look the way you thought it would, but you will regain your hope and positivity. I'm so glad you have such a wonderful husband and partner by your side. Love to you both.

  3. Oh how I wish I had an answer for you, that "Someone!" had an answer...a crystal ball that would allow you to see your future. But, I once heard someone say that you just have to "go through" things; that there is no way to get beyond it otherwise. As you journey through it, I pray for peace for you and D; and that when you get to the other side, that you'll be fine; that you will have learned, dropped off, and picked up things along the way.

    I'm glad you're getting to the pool. I can imagine the free feeling it gives you.

    Keep writing.