Thursday, September 17, 2015

The Donors

So, the first thing I did, was to call our fertility clinic.

"Whats the story with donors now?"
"Well, we actually have three in the works at the moment!"
"Really!?  Oh my god! I can't believe it!"

And then the stories of them all came out.

The first donor 

She was overseas and ended up extending her stay

The second donor

She had come to the clinic through another patient.  However, before the lady who found her could start a round with this donor, she had to use her last embryo from her previous donor.  This was a success and she was pregnant!

Her new donor then volunteered to donate to another couple until the first woman had delivered and was ready to try for her second.  There was plenty of time for the donor to go through a round with another couple and she was keen to donate to someone else.

However...  the first lady was so distraught and upset and didn't want her new donor donating to anyone else.  "What if something goes wrong?  Then you won't be there for me.  You need to be there for me."
Okay, so we will wait until your pregnancy is well and truly stable.
Then it was "But I want you there as soon as I have delivered.  I want to get started on trying for a second baby straight away.  And what if you do a round with someone else and then decide you don't want to do it again?"

The donor decide to wait as she didn't want this lady being so distraught while she was pregnant.

Eventually, it came to a time that we met with this donor.  She was an amazing woman to be doing was she was doing and what she planned to do in the future in helping people to achieve their dreams of motherhood.  I'm really glad to have met her.  But, she wasn't the right fit for us.

In the meantime, after all that happened, we lost the chance to meet the third donor.

The third donor

She had also come to the clinic through another patient.  This patient then became naturally pregnant!
Once again, this donor wanted to donate to others.
In this case, though, the patient was more than happy for her to do so.  They waited until she was safe into her pregnancy and then all was good for the donor to help another couple.

However, because we were meeting with the first donor, the clinic linked her up with a different couple and we missed out.  I should mention here, that at this stage, we were first on the list to be connected with the donors.

I was so disappointed.  "We should have met with the first donor earlier, then we would have known"  blah blah...  you get the idea!

The next day, the clinic called.

Another lady had just been cleared to donate.  Would we like to meet her?  Yes yes please!!!

The fourth and final donor

Everything worked out as it should.  This lady is awesome.  She has also been through the IVF process with the same doctor as we did.  She has gone through the same trials and tribulations.  She had the same OB with the one pregnancy that went passed 8 weeks and then she had the same heartache when they lost that baby at 12 weeks.

Our stories are so similar.  We all get along so well including the hubbies.  We have the same feelings about how we would like things to be should we be successful.  It is a good fit.

Now, she has a beautiful little boy and two baby twin boys.

And she wants to give other couple the same chances that she had to become parents.

We have started the process.  We have both had our first appointments and things will slowly progress.
We are nervous, worried and excited at the same time!
We are taking each step as it comes.


Tuesday, September 1, 2015

A brief journey through adoption

It was at the end of last year (2014).  I had come to a pretty good place in acceptance of a childfree life.  I was comfortable with my life.   But I knew hubbie wasn't in the same place.  And because he wasn't, then we weren't.  This wasn't a situation for one person to be okay and it's fine.  We both had to be okay with a life without children.

Hubbie still had constant thoughts of "maybe we could adopt".  I had already looked into adoption, had passed on the information to him, and felt that it just wasn't the right thing for us.   But hubbie needed to look into for himself.  I understood that.

So, off we went to a adoption meetings, reading through the material they sent us and listening to other women's stories of their international adoptions.  By the end of it, we were both shaking our heads.

For so many reasons, international adoption was impossible for us.   The most basic of those reasons was the highly rigid criteria for adoption and the years long waiting periods.  We would be in our mid 50's before we received a child, if we ever did.  And the cost!  Enormous!  With no guarantee of success.  It was way beyond our means.  And it was also beyond our emotional and physical means.  The children that were possibly open to us were high needs, older children and after hearing the stories of their requirements, hubbie and I knew that it was just beyond us to be able to properly care for these children.

Our state here in Australia doesn't do adoption, only fostering, and that path as it turned out,
was also not open to us.

There were positives and negatives that came from our brief adoption journey experience.

The positive was that we were able to let go of that path and hubbie was able to move on from thoughts of adoption.  It was a clearing.  And he felt much better about it.

The negative was for me.  From having been in a hard-earned place of acceptance, this search through the adoption process brought back all my maternal feelings.  It was all back.  The need, the desire, the dream of having a child.  I wasn't happy to be back there again.  Back in that place of heartache and lost dreams.

And a strong reason for that was that I had to be the one to makes things happen.  I was happy for hubbie to look into adoption and I encouraged him to do so.  But he wasn't able to do it himself and I had to take it on, or that never ending "what if" would have been there forever.  It's one thing to sit back and go with the flow of the journey.  Quite another to be the active participant in making it happen.

But that's the way it was and I had to deal with it.  I took the approach that I had gotten through it all before and was much stronger and more capable of dealing with things.  I knew that I would recover.  I had done so before.  In the end, I know that I will be alright.

So the adoption journey ended and we were left with just one last possibility for a child - a donor egg.