Wednesday, May 22, 2013

It's over.

On Monday, I went with my Mum to my 12 week scan.  It showed that our baby had died about a week ago.  I keep seeing our lifeless baby on the screen and the look on the doctors face as he prepared to tell me.  I could see the heart on the screen with no movement.  I could see the shape of our baby, his arms and legs, his head.  Just all still.  Those images will haunt me forever.

I also keep remembering what our previous scan was like.  Seeing the heartbeat, watching our child kick his legs and wave his arms.  We were so ecstatic. 

But now it's over.  And we are devastated.  I had to call Dave and tell him over the phone.  He is devastated he wasn't there with me.  We didn't expect it.  Everything was going so well.  It was a routine scan. 

I asked Mum to come with me when Dave's work prevented him from going.  She was so excited.  She had never seen a baby ultrasound before.  They weren't around when I was born.  I am so glad she was able to come with me and I wasn't alone.

I had a d and c at the hospital yesterday.  Physically I am recovering well.  Emotionally - well, that's another story.  After going home on Monday and starting to grieve, we decided to book in the d and c for the next day.  The doctor said I could wait for our child to miscarry naturally but it may take a week or two before my body realised I wasn't pregnant.  And even then, there was a 50% chance that I may still have needed a d and c.  I couldn't wait for so many reasons.  One, I couldn't go through the miscarriage on my own.  It would be just too awful.  Two, the thought of my child being dead inside me was just too traumatic to bear.  Even after just a few hours it was messing with me.

I am distraught that it is over.  I feel empty.  I am heartbroken.

I am seeing my naturopath today to get what I need to deal with this both physically and emotionally.  And I am seeing my shrink on Monday.  I am searching for ways to honor our child and looking around at support groups.  We are thinking that the best thing for us to do to honor him/her would be planting a tree.  Maybe a fruit tree in our backyard.

Our first baby scan photos from the fertility clinic arrived in the mail today - 4 weeks late.  What awful timing.  I don't know what to do with them.  Maybe one day I will be able to look at them.  Not now.

Dave is working from home today.  He doesn't want to be away from me at the moment and I don't want to be alone.  We need each other.

Thank you everyone for all your support throughout our journey.  The journey isn't over yet, but it is for the next few months while we both recover emotionally and while my body recovers.  The last seven months have been gruelling and to have it end like this...  well there aren't really any words.  We need time.

We have decided to go away this weekend.  We have booked a little heritage bed and breakfast about an hour's drive away in the country.  It is by the beach.  I am looking forward to the quiet and the fresh sea air to begin to heal our grief.  It will take time, but this weekend away will be a good start.

Love and Light


  1. My heart is absolutely broken. If there were words that would make it even a little better, I would say them over and over and over. I hold you all in my heart and my thoughts.

  2. Oh heart is broken for you. I am so so sorry that you have to go thru this. I am glad that you and your hubby are getting away for the long holiday weekend. Please be kind to yourself, though I know it is hard. Take the time to grieve as everyone grieves differently. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Big hugs!

  3. I am so incredibly sorry to read this (though tears). Nothing I can say will make your hurt go away, but I am so sorry for your loss. I'll be praying for you and your husband. Be kind to yourself. Sending YOU love & light, my friend. XOXO

  4. Hi Annie, I hope you received my brief email in which I didn't say much because I was too sad and disappointed. Still, I am at a loss for words. Please know that I have been one of your biggest cheerleaders over the years and that I will continue to care deeply about you. I think the support group is a good idea. Please try it when you find one that fits into your life. Keep blogging and sharing. xoxo