Feeling Good!

My blood tests results came back very positively yesterday.  My FSH levels are exactly where they need to be in order for the IVF drugs to work their best wonders.

I gave myself my first injection last night with no problems.  I was so worried about going through these next two weeks without Dave.  In fact 24 hours ago, I would have said I wasn't coping.  But something shifted during the day yesterday and I feel great!  Don't ask me what it was.  I wouldn't have a clue!!!

I'm feeling really, really positive about this round.  I know that can be a dangerous place to go when the let down can then be even bigger, but I don't care!  I'm feeling really good about the possiblity of being successful this time around and I intend to go with this feeling!

So many things seem to be falling into place at the moment. 

One - The freakiest one of all is the level of syncronicity between my kinesiologist and my therapist.  Everytime a new things come up with one person, it is also comes up with the other.  It's crazy!  And I love it!  I feel like they are working together.  And I really believe that I have been led to both of them at this time in my life.

I feel like there are some really significant breakthroughs going on in my pysche and that I am finally beginning to take some small steps toward releasing some long held patterns and issues in my life.  And to be doing that just before a baby comes along, is simply wondrous.  I have always wanted to be in a place where I am not passing on to much "garbage" to my child.  So that they don't inherit and have to deal with all the difficult things that I have had to.  We bring so much into our lives that need healing as it is, it would be nice not to give my child all my "garbage" on top of that as well.

Anyway, it is just baby steps, but I'm feeling so good about it all at the moment.  It is giving me the feeling of the timing being just right.  And that, as I let go and heal from my own issues, I will be a much better mother.

Two - And then there is starting to babysit my great nephew every week.  My maternal instincts have been switched on with him and I am loving the role of being his caretaker once a week.  I love it more than I thought I would and it just fits me to a tee!  It's made me more excited about being a mum.

Three - Without my intending it to be, my work hours have dropped quite a lot this year.  I have more time, less stress and I am beginning to love my life once more.  I am certainly enjoying work more which is just wonderful.  In fact, I could even begin to say, I'm starting to love it again.  I haven't been able to say that for years!

As a result, I am beginning to enjoy my home life more.  I'm getting out into the garden, I'm keeping up with the bookwork.  I'm back to regular exercise.  I'm not feeling this constant pressure to have to keep up with everything because I have more time to achieve what needs to be done.

I am grateful to be in this place now, after two months of really struggling.  Thank you!!!

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A truly happy one for today! One of my favs of Dave!

Professional help

A few months ago, I took advantage of the free counselling service they have the fertility clinic.  I needed to talk to a professional about all that had been going on.  The lady was really good and it was so helpful to talk to her.

In the process of my session, the issues of my eating addiction came up.  She recommended another shrink who she believed would really be able to help me.  This lady, Shona, is just amazing.  I've had 7 sessions with her and they have been amazing and intense and really helpful.  But my allocated sessions have run out, so I needed to go and have a review with the doctor to get 4 more assisted sessions.

My doctor has been good with our fertility journey and I told the doctor about the last two miscarriages.  She added a second reason that I still needed counselling - grief. 

I've often talked about the loss I feel, but understanding that there is grief surrounding that loss makes so much sense.  I'd shut down, not able to function, not interested in anything.  All symptoms of grief.  My kinesiologist came up with the fact that I am dealing with a feeling of being let down.  It is good to be able to put some words to the confusing array of feelings that I have been having.

I started back at work today. It was good to have a routine in the day.  It was a good day.

I'm also going to the naturopath on Thursday.  I am taking a naturopathic supplement for depression, but it's low dose and is not really working.  There was another one I used to take that worked much better so I will talk to about that and all the other difficulties I am struggling with right now.  It's time to get back on track.  I've been shut down long enough.