Yesterday was our 12 week scan. Everything is still going really well! I almost can't believe it. It is so surreal. We are now in new territory having never gotten this far before in our previous pregnancies.
So much to catch up on in 6 weeks...
Last week was a terrible week leading up to our 12 week scan. That was the week our last baby died in utero and I was paralysed with fear. I spent a couple of days in bed with exhaustion and it took me a while to realise that some of that exhaustion was not the pregnancy but the unconscious fears I was living with.
Now that we have passed the hump of the 12 week scan my tiredness has gone back to its normal pregnancy exhaustion! I can function again in otherwords!
We've had a scan every week since the bleed at 6 weeks just to check on everything and also to maintain my sanity! :) Each week was good and each week we saw our little one bouncing around inside me. He/She is an active one, always on the move and seeming to play chasey with the scanner! :) :) Measurements have been great every week. It was good, and also necessary, to be reassured every week that things were progressing normally.
At 10.5 weeks, we had our first OB appointment. That also went well and the doctor assured us that there was absolutely nothing that he was worried about. Everything looked great.
We go back at 13.5 weeks to get the results of the nuchal test and other tests that I had - blood and urine. The scan was a good start to the nuchal test with a measurement of just 1.4 mm. As long as its under 3.5 mm, all should be good. A normal measurement is 1.3 mm, so we are right on the mark! So now we wait on the combined tests for the nuchal. But we are feeling pretty relaxed about that.
As for me, I'm dealing with nausea quite a bit, particularly when I have to cook or prepare food, or sometimes just look at food!! But I'm very grateful not to have had any vomiting. A fantastic blessing to be sure! :)
I've also got a lot of lower abdomen discomfort with the muscles and ligaments stretching and getting ready for expansion. And then there are the times when my bowels/digestion cause me severe pain as everything moves around. That is fun - not! :)
Then there are the temperature fluctuations in my body, with heat at night being a particular problem. But that does seem to be settling down a little bit.
I always said that if I was pregnant I would be grateful for every bit of pain and discomfort I was in. And now that we are passed the 12 week mark, I most definitely am. It was a bit harder before that, when I was also always on the edge of anxiety, but I always kept that thought in mind and tried to focus on the gratitudes rather than the fear.
There is still a question mark over us about our pregnancy. With our history, I think it will always be there. But the ? is a lot smaller now and we are happy to tell a few other people about our news. So, keep your fingers crossed. We are doing really well so far and can only pray that bubbie continues to grow as beautifully as he/she has been so far. We love you little one!!
Showing posts with label Anxiety/Panic Attacks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety/Panic Attacks. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Being cared for
I've had a pretty amazing few days this week and have such a strong sense of being looked after. Dave went away on Friday and I knew I was going to have trouble with my anxiety without him. But due to some incredible friends and my mother, it has been managed and cared for so well.
Saturday night my Mum stayed over with me.
Sunday and Monday night, one of my dear friends "S" stayed with me. She did this out of the kindest of her heart to help me through this difficult time. She is an amazing woman! And it was great for her as well to get some time away, take a break from her normal routine, and be able to do whatever she wanted in peace and quiet!! Spending time together was fantastic!
And Tuesday night another dear friend "C" stayed with me. With this friend, I did a deal. She needed help with her bookwork and receipts, wanting help sorting out the last two financial years as well as setting up some software for the upcoming financial year and to establish new, organsied habits for her accounting. So I offered a trade. She came up with all her paperwork and stayed the night. I was able to help her get on top of things, choose and set up new accounting software, and she was able to give me the company I need so much right now. A great deal! And we had a wonderful time! As it turns out, she also came swimming with me. She was going to miss her swim session this week and when I said that I just needed to do my swim first before she came, she jumped at the opportunity. I waited for her and we swam together. Perfect!!
And Dave, my wonderful husband, did it again. On Thursday night, I came home to him cooking up a storm. He was once again making me a huge big lasagne to last me through several meals without him. God, I love that man!
On Friday night, another friend is coming over the evening. She isn't staying the night but it will be so good to spend the evening with her. She is also my naturopath and gave me this super duper incredible mix to help with my anxiety. Within half an over of taking it, the chest pains have faded and things are manageable again.
I hope it works tonight. Tonight I am on my own. I can already feel my anxiety increasing. I know I can ask Mum to stay, but I would really like to be able to do it myself. "C" is also a naturopath and gave me a bit of advice on my mix. I can take a bit more in one day as long as I take less the next day. I can even spread this out over a few days and reduce for the rest of the week. So maybe I will need just a bit more till Friday and then stop when Dave returns on Saturday.
So a blessing of a week that I am so grateful for. I am still very concerned about my anxiety and I'm still not feeling settled within my "new self". I still need more time. And thank goodness, I have it. I do have a lot of committments over the next two weeks and would prefer to have several days in a row of time at home, but little by little I will find myself.
Love and Light
xxx
Saturday night my Mum stayed over with me.
Sunday and Monday night, one of my dear friends "S" stayed with me. She did this out of the kindest of her heart to help me through this difficult time. She is an amazing woman! And it was great for her as well to get some time away, take a break from her normal routine, and be able to do whatever she wanted in peace and quiet!! Spending time together was fantastic!
And Tuesday night another dear friend "C" stayed with me. With this friend, I did a deal. She needed help with her bookwork and receipts, wanting help sorting out the last two financial years as well as setting up some software for the upcoming financial year and to establish new, organsied habits for her accounting. So I offered a trade. She came up with all her paperwork and stayed the night. I was able to help her get on top of things, choose and set up new accounting software, and she was able to give me the company I need so much right now. A great deal! And we had a wonderful time! As it turns out, she also came swimming with me. She was going to miss her swim session this week and when I said that I just needed to do my swim first before she came, she jumped at the opportunity. I waited for her and we swam together. Perfect!!
And Dave, my wonderful husband, did it again. On Thursday night, I came home to him cooking up a storm. He was once again making me a huge big lasagne to last me through several meals without him. God, I love that man!
On Friday night, another friend is coming over the evening. She isn't staying the night but it will be so good to spend the evening with her. She is also my naturopath and gave me this super duper incredible mix to help with my anxiety. Within half an over of taking it, the chest pains have faded and things are manageable again.
I hope it works tonight. Tonight I am on my own. I can already feel my anxiety increasing. I know I can ask Mum to stay, but I would really like to be able to do it myself. "C" is also a naturopath and gave me a bit of advice on my mix. I can take a bit more in one day as long as I take less the next day. I can even spread this out over a few days and reduce for the rest of the week. So maybe I will need just a bit more till Friday and then stop when Dave returns on Saturday.
So a blessing of a week that I am so grateful for. I am still very concerned about my anxiety and I'm still not feeling settled within my "new self". I still need more time. And thank goodness, I have it. I do have a lot of committments over the next two weeks and would prefer to have several days in a row of time at home, but little by little I will find myself.
Love and Light
xxx
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
How my life is changing
I've said right from when it happened, that this has been a life changing experience for me. At first I could simply feel it in myself. I felt different. This sounds silly to say at 44, but I've felt like I've grown up. There is a wisdom and a life experience in me that wasn't there before. There is a new knowledge about life and an emotional depth that I feel reflected in my eyes. And as much as I'm distraught about how this happened and wish I could take it all back and still have my little girl growing within me, I like the change.
Now I am seeing the change in my daily life, in my actions, in the choices that I am making, and in the things that I am doing. My world is changing. What I want in it, who I want in it, and what I want to be doing with it.
For several years now, I have wished to be more like my mother in certain aspects. My Mum is a get go woman. She doesn't stop. Always busy, always helping, always active. And I have wanted to be more like that. Now, I am starting to be. I like it. And Dave likes it!
Now, why does Dave like it? Because I have started baking! All of a sudden, I have this need to cook. Now, just to remind you, I hate cooking. Loathe it. Dave cooks most of our dinners. But every now and then I have gotten the urge to bake a cake or muffins with a packet mix. Now I am baking from scratch. Any day that I can. If I'm not actually doing it, I am planning what I want to do next. And loving it! Now thats more like my mother. And Dave is my taste tester. And he loves this new me!
I'm also succeeding with my goal to be more active around the house. Television viewing is diminishing. And busy-ness is increasing. And I am so happy for it. The downside... Remember all my clutter clearing? Well I was just starting to feel on top of the house in that regard. Now, there is a whole new level going on! And the house feels crazy again. There is a new level of activity in the kitchen that needs organising - with rearranging cupboards, and organise recipe folders to allow for the new baking me. And there is just more happening everywhere that needs clarifying and organising and finding the right why of doing things.
So my clutter cleared organised head has found a new deeper level of existence that needs sorting out. It's a wonderful metaphor and is so clearly a reflection of the deeper level of me that is emerging. My therapist describes it as peeling away the layers of the onion and discovering and making sense of the real me.
It's a good thing and I so happy for it.
But at the moment it is clouded in a high level of anxiety. Anxiety and being even just a little bit unorganised, don't work together for me.
Dave leaves on a work trip on Friday for over a week. I am not coping without him at the moment. The moment he leaves my anxiety level rockets. My kineisologist saw it in my body in my last session. That at the moment, my need for nuturing is high. That I need supportive friends and family around me. And I'm just not coping without him.
I had resolved the problem. I was spending a few nights in the country with one of my bridesmaids. I used to do it regularly before I met Dave. It was the perfect solution. However, Kiara the cat, needed surgery yesterday. She is fine and recovering well but I can't leave her. Raphael is hissing at her and the two of them need to be managed. I can't leave them alone and there is noone else to look after them.
So, I'm scared about Friday and next week. I don't know how I will be. The anxiety I feel over the cats is simply adding to it. Even before he has gone, I'm not coping.
I will ask Mum to come over. She may even spend a couple of nights. That will help. And I will focus on the wonderful changes that are going on in my life. I will continue to chip at the organisation jobs that I have. I will continue to bake.
I am grateful that with the way I am feeling I haven't turned to my usual coping behaviours. I am still leading my new life, albeit somewhat subdued and shut in.
Now I am seeing the change in my daily life, in my actions, in the choices that I am making, and in the things that I am doing. My world is changing. What I want in it, who I want in it, and what I want to be doing with it.
For several years now, I have wished to be more like my mother in certain aspects. My Mum is a get go woman. She doesn't stop. Always busy, always helping, always active. And I have wanted to be more like that. Now, I am starting to be. I like it. And Dave likes it!
Now, why does Dave like it? Because I have started baking! All of a sudden, I have this need to cook. Now, just to remind you, I hate cooking. Loathe it. Dave cooks most of our dinners. But every now and then I have gotten the urge to bake a cake or muffins with a packet mix. Now I am baking from scratch. Any day that I can. If I'm not actually doing it, I am planning what I want to do next. And loving it! Now thats more like my mother. And Dave is my taste tester. And he loves this new me!
I'm also succeeding with my goal to be more active around the house. Television viewing is diminishing. And busy-ness is increasing. And I am so happy for it. The downside... Remember all my clutter clearing? Well I was just starting to feel on top of the house in that regard. Now, there is a whole new level going on! And the house feels crazy again. There is a new level of activity in the kitchen that needs organising - with rearranging cupboards, and organise recipe folders to allow for the new baking me. And there is just more happening everywhere that needs clarifying and organising and finding the right why of doing things.
So my clutter cleared organised head has found a new deeper level of existence that needs sorting out. It's a wonderful metaphor and is so clearly a reflection of the deeper level of me that is emerging. My therapist describes it as peeling away the layers of the onion and discovering and making sense of the real me.
It's a good thing and I so happy for it.
But at the moment it is clouded in a high level of anxiety. Anxiety and being even just a little bit unorganised, don't work together for me.
Dave leaves on a work trip on Friday for over a week. I am not coping without him at the moment. The moment he leaves my anxiety level rockets. My kineisologist saw it in my body in my last session. That at the moment, my need for nuturing is high. That I need supportive friends and family around me. And I'm just not coping without him.
I had resolved the problem. I was spending a few nights in the country with one of my bridesmaids. I used to do it regularly before I met Dave. It was the perfect solution. However, Kiara the cat, needed surgery yesterday. She is fine and recovering well but I can't leave her. Raphael is hissing at her and the two of them need to be managed. I can't leave them alone and there is noone else to look after them.
So, I'm scared about Friday and next week. I don't know how I will be. The anxiety I feel over the cats is simply adding to it. Even before he has gone, I'm not coping.
I will ask Mum to come over. She may even spend a couple of nights. That will help. And I will focus on the wonderful changes that are going on in my life. I will continue to chip at the organisation jobs that I have. I will continue to bake.
I am grateful that with the way I am feeling I haven't turned to my usual coping behaviours. I am still leading my new life, albeit somewhat subdued and shut in.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Trust
This post is designed to try and pull me out of my fear and back into Trust, cause I really need to.
I had my final blood test before our scan on Monday. Everything is still going forward. My HCG levels are now just under 10,000 and the other hormones are progressing as well. But it just all seems to have slowed down.
I was expecting the hormones to be around 15,000 give or take. So when they weren't I questioned how the progress was going. The nurse assured me that you can't give a lot of status to the numbers at this stage. According to their pregnancy hormone chart, I am still doing fine. It is the scan on Monday that will really tell us what is going on. All going well, we will hear a heartbeat or two. She said the fact that hormones are still increasing shows that the cells are still dividing and progressing. That I wasn't to worry.
I'm just not sure if she is just trying to comfort me until the scan or she really believes that things are going ok.
I'm so scared that things have slowed down and aren't progressing properly anymore.
I need to let go of this fear and Trust. But I'm not sure how to do that.
I think what I will do for now is lay down and do my Light and Love meditation. Imagine bubby (ies) inside me and send them all the good energy I can. Deep breathing will also relax me and get me focused on what is important. Being positive about our pregnancy and trusting that all is going ok.
This isn't an easy process. It's hard to feel the joy. But we are still further along than we have ever gotten before and I need to be grateful for that and allow that to generate Hope.
Deep breaths.
Trust.
Be so thankful and amazed that we have gotten this far.
Let go.
I had my final blood test before our scan on Monday. Everything is still going forward. My HCG levels are now just under 10,000 and the other hormones are progressing as well. But it just all seems to have slowed down.
I was expecting the hormones to be around 15,000 give or take. So when they weren't I questioned how the progress was going. The nurse assured me that you can't give a lot of status to the numbers at this stage. According to their pregnancy hormone chart, I am still doing fine. It is the scan on Monday that will really tell us what is going on. All going well, we will hear a heartbeat or two. She said the fact that hormones are still increasing shows that the cells are still dividing and progressing. That I wasn't to worry.
I'm just not sure if she is just trying to comfort me until the scan or she really believes that things are going ok.
I'm so scared that things have slowed down and aren't progressing properly anymore.
I need to let go of this fear and Trust. But I'm not sure how to do that.
I think what I will do for now is lay down and do my Light and Love meditation. Imagine bubby (ies) inside me and send them all the good energy I can. Deep breathing will also relax me and get me focused on what is important. Being positive about our pregnancy and trusting that all is going ok.
This isn't an easy process. It's hard to feel the joy. But we are still further along than we have ever gotten before and I need to be grateful for that and allow that to generate Hope.
Deep breaths.
Trust.
Be so thankful and amazed that we have gotten this far.
Let go.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Anxiety and another blood test
Thursday afternoon saw me in tears with worry and calling the clinic for another blood test. I'd been trying so hard not to be anxious about how things were going. I was doing really well until Thursday arvo!
After the phone call I felt so much better just knowing I was getting checked the next day. My pregnancy hormones have gone up nicely. Not as much as I hoped for or expected but still at the top of the range of the chart I put up yesterday and the nurse was happy with the HCG numbers as well as my oestrogen and progesterone. HCG 4890. Up from 1938 on Monday. So we are still going along fine. Phewww!
I really do feel so much better now. I'm starting to feel more relaxed and trusting in the process. And able to just let things progress however they progress.
I do wish that I would stop brown spotting though. I had it about a week ago and it started again two days ago. I know that it is nothing to worry about. Brown blood is old blood. But I really would prefer not to have it!!
Anita asked me a few questions in her comment yesterday so I thought I would answer them here! Hi Anita! And Hi Jen as well. Thank you for you comments!
"Sooo... how ya feelin'?! :) Sleeping well? Any cravings yet? Tired?"
How AM I feeling?
It's such a mix of feelings going on. I don't feel that I've gotten to the point of being excited yet (after the initial BFP that is!). I think that might happen once we get to hearing the heartbeat.
Any time I have any symptomatic pains I am really happy. The morning I woke up and my boobs didn't hurt, I got worried. Come to think of it - that was Thursday! But they started hurting again later in the day! YEA!!! lol
Today though, I am mostly feeling pretty calm and that is good.
Sleeping well?
Yes, apart from the hot/cold thing. Blankets on, blankets off, blankets on, blankets off. I just keep going back and forth with my body temperature.
Oh, and I've upped my water intake, so I'm going to the toilet at least twice during the night as well!
But, I am going back to sleep straight away and getting enough sleep.
Cravings?
No. Expect for wanting to eat really well with lots of vegetables and very little sugary treats. I'm amazed at what I am not craving. I have none of the food cravings that I usually have with my food addiction. I still have problems with the mental need for compulsive eating, but as I absolutely don't want junk, it is not eventuating. Most interesting.
Tired?
Yes! On and off. I am able to rest quite a bit, so I take advantage of it and any tiredness I have is not overwhelming me.
Well, thats it for today! Thank you everyone for you support. Oo, yes I am a little excited now! Nice!
Love and Light
xx
After the phone call I felt so much better just knowing I was getting checked the next day. My pregnancy hormones have gone up nicely. Not as much as I hoped for or expected but still at the top of the range of the chart I put up yesterday and the nurse was happy with the HCG numbers as well as my oestrogen and progesterone. HCG 4890. Up from 1938 on Monday. So we are still going along fine. Phewww!
I really do feel so much better now. I'm starting to feel more relaxed and trusting in the process. And able to just let things progress however they progress.
I do wish that I would stop brown spotting though. I had it about a week ago and it started again two days ago. I know that it is nothing to worry about. Brown blood is old blood. But I really would prefer not to have it!!
Anita asked me a few questions in her comment yesterday so I thought I would answer them here! Hi Anita! And Hi Jen as well. Thank you for you comments!
"Sooo... how ya feelin'?! :) Sleeping well? Any cravings yet? Tired?"
How AM I feeling?
It's such a mix of feelings going on. I don't feel that I've gotten to the point of being excited yet (after the initial BFP that is!). I think that might happen once we get to hearing the heartbeat.
Any time I have any symptomatic pains I am really happy. The morning I woke up and my boobs didn't hurt, I got worried. Come to think of it - that was Thursday! But they started hurting again later in the day! YEA!!! lol
Today though, I am mostly feeling pretty calm and that is good.
Sleeping well?
Yes, apart from the hot/cold thing. Blankets on, blankets off, blankets on, blankets off. I just keep going back and forth with my body temperature.
Oh, and I've upped my water intake, so I'm going to the toilet at least twice during the night as well!
But, I am going back to sleep straight away and getting enough sleep.
Cravings?
No. Expect for wanting to eat really well with lots of vegetables and very little sugary treats. I'm amazed at what I am not craving. I have none of the food cravings that I usually have with my food addiction. I still have problems with the mental need for compulsive eating, but as I absolutely don't want junk, it is not eventuating. Most interesting.
Tired?
Yes! On and off. I am able to rest quite a bit, so I take advantage of it and any tiredness I have is not overwhelming me.
Well, thats it for today! Thank you everyone for you support. Oo, yes I am a little excited now! Nice!
Love and Light
xx
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Follow up test
After a stressful couple of days, todays test results show that our pregnancy is progressing really well!!! HCG levels have gone from 99 two days ago, to 265 today - they've nearly tripled!!
I am SO relieved! We are still pregnant!
It's been a tough two days. Once the initial excitement were off, I started worrying. Please, please, please embies, keep growing, snuggle in, HCG levels keep rising. I've been so scared. I've been really trying not to but it's just been there. Waiting for these results have been so much harder than waiting for the initial result saying we were pregnant. It felt like there was so much more at stake.
And then I started spotting a little. The leftover crinone began releasing with specks of colour in it. Mostly the colour was brown, but sometimes it wasn't so brown. And then today I started spotting more. Once again though, mostly old blood. The times when it wasn't quite brown absolutely terrified me.
And the results took so long to come in. I was expecting them by 2 pm at the latest. They didn't come in till 5 pm. It's been a tough day. But finally they arrived and I couldn't believe the number. 265!!!
The nurse said not to worry about the spotting. The crinone release is normal and as long as the blood is old it is all good. As for the couple of times I felt it wasn't quite old, she said is could be anything. Implantation blood even. Shes taken note of it and will follow up on Monday but she said not to worry. That my levels were terrific. And we are doing everything that needs to be done. She said go away and have a relaxing Easter! Things are progressing well.
I go in again on Monday for a final follow up blood test. That one should be around 1000 in hcg levels. So fingers crossed.
A friend said today that I just need to trust. TRUST. It is a good word. A reassuring word. A word of faith and belief. A word of confidence. A word of peacefulness, serenity, love. I like it.
This afternoon I started wearing around my wrist, the pouch of buddhist prayers my dear friend brought back from Japan with me. It is the one that I had with me on our wedding day, and I took with me to both the egg harvest and embryo transfer. It really helped me to settle down a little this afternoon. And I guess it brought with it Trust and Faith.
It is still on my wrist!
So now I go away with Trust in my heart and soul and know that once again we are progressing well through each step of the IVF process.
I am SO relieved! We are still pregnant!
It's been a tough two days. Once the initial excitement were off, I started worrying. Please, please, please embies, keep growing, snuggle in, HCG levels keep rising. I've been so scared. I've been really trying not to but it's just been there. Waiting for these results have been so much harder than waiting for the initial result saying we were pregnant. It felt like there was so much more at stake.
And then I started spotting a little. The leftover crinone began releasing with specks of colour in it. Mostly the colour was brown, but sometimes it wasn't so brown. And then today I started spotting more. Once again though, mostly old blood. The times when it wasn't quite brown absolutely terrified me.
And the results took so long to come in. I was expecting them by 2 pm at the latest. They didn't come in till 5 pm. It's been a tough day. But finally they arrived and I couldn't believe the number. 265!!!
The nurse said not to worry about the spotting. The crinone release is normal and as long as the blood is old it is all good. As for the couple of times I felt it wasn't quite old, she said is could be anything. Implantation blood even. Shes taken note of it and will follow up on Monday but she said not to worry. That my levels were terrific. And we are doing everything that needs to be done. She said go away and have a relaxing Easter! Things are progressing well.
I go in again on Monday for a final follow up blood test. That one should be around 1000 in hcg levels. So fingers crossed.
A friend said today that I just need to trust. TRUST. It is a good word. A reassuring word. A word of faith and belief. A word of confidence. A word of peacefulness, serenity, love. I like it.
This afternoon I started wearing around my wrist, the pouch of buddhist prayers my dear friend brought back from Japan with me. It is the one that I had with me on our wedding day, and I took with me to both the egg harvest and embryo transfer. It really helped me to settle down a little this afternoon. And I guess it brought with it Trust and Faith.
It is still on my wrist!
So now I go away with Trust in my heart and soul and know that once again we are progressing well through each step of the IVF process.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Treatment sessions and the 2WW
The Two Week Wait.
It is most definitely here. And once again, things are different this time around.
I've never had a problem with the TWW before. We've waited the two weeks every cycle for 4 years. It's always just been part of the course. Whether through stimulated cylce or natural. But this time, with the hopes and dreams I have for this cycle, and the way things have been going so well for the first time in one of my rounds, I started feeling the tension yesterday.
I also started feeling fears that embryos weren't growing or that something was going wrong. And I realised what a roller coaster ride I am in for the next two weeks.
I've been in a lot of pain and discomfort and I feet the need for the next few days to really relax and take it easy and lay down a lot. In fact, it has also been forced on me as well. Even doing the dishes yesterday brought about abdominal pains. But the moment I felt them, I stopped the dishes and lay down.
I understand where the fears are coming from, but I refuse to let them take hold. Instead I've been focusing on Love and Light. I've been meditating on them and feeling both of these flowing through me, through my chakras and into my womb. Feeling the breath of God.
My kinesiology session yesterday was amazing and has really helped me to be able to feel these things.
The first thing she was led to were my ovaries which she said were dehydrated. Makes sense. They've gone through a lot. She worked on them and also on stimulating the energy in my uterus, getting the blood flowing and getting it all ready to receive the embryos.
For my part, I have continued to drink 2.5 litres of water a day, and constantly go to the toilet!! Yet despite all the water I am drinking, my lips are really dry and sore and need constant lip balm - a sign of dehydration. But I can't drink anymore than I am. I would have to just stay on the toilet all day if I did!!! :) So, I'm also concentrating on eating foods that are hydrating as well as full of nutrients.
The kinesiologist also worked on aligning the energy throughout my body, allowing the channels to flow and making it easy for new little energies to find their way! The words I left with are:
And finally, my naturopath/masseur. The fact that that appointment occurred the day before transfer is really significant. The massages that I usually need, I won't be able to have when pregnant because she works on areas that can also encourage contrations. So, it was wonderful to be able to have, what will hopefully be my last full massage for the next 9 months! And once again, some of the points that she found were all about good blood flow to my uterus amongst other things.
A perfect pre-transfer day!
It is most definitely here. And once again, things are different this time around.
I've never had a problem with the TWW before. We've waited the two weeks every cycle for 4 years. It's always just been part of the course. Whether through stimulated cylce or natural. But this time, with the hopes and dreams I have for this cycle, and the way things have been going so well for the first time in one of my rounds, I started feeling the tension yesterday.
I also started feeling fears that embryos weren't growing or that something was going wrong. And I realised what a roller coaster ride I am in for the next two weeks.
I've been in a lot of pain and discomfort and I feet the need for the next few days to really relax and take it easy and lay down a lot. In fact, it has also been forced on me as well. Even doing the dishes yesterday brought about abdominal pains. But the moment I felt them, I stopped the dishes and lay down.
I understand where the fears are coming from, but I refuse to let them take hold. Instead I've been focusing on Love and Light. I've been meditating on them and feeling both of these flowing through me, through my chakras and into my womb. Feeling the breath of God.
My kinesiology session yesterday was amazing and has really helped me to be able to feel these things.
The first thing she was led to were my ovaries which she said were dehydrated. Makes sense. They've gone through a lot. She worked on them and also on stimulating the energy in my uterus, getting the blood flowing and getting it all ready to receive the embryos.
For my part, I have continued to drink 2.5 litres of water a day, and constantly go to the toilet!! Yet despite all the water I am drinking, my lips are really dry and sore and need constant lip balm - a sign of dehydration. But I can't drink anymore than I am. I would have to just stay on the toilet all day if I did!!! :) So, I'm also concentrating on eating foods that are hydrating as well as full of nutrients.
The kinesiologist also worked on aligning the energy throughout my body, allowing the channels to flow and making it easy for new little energies to find their way! The words I left with are:
- Joy, acceptance and unconditional love
- Self worth, self love
- Trust and higher self alignment
- Hydration and Nutrition
And finally, my naturopath/masseur. The fact that that appointment occurred the day before transfer is really significant. The massages that I usually need, I won't be able to have when pregnant because she works on areas that can also encourage contrations. So, it was wonderful to be able to have, what will hopefully be my last full massage for the next 9 months! And once again, some of the points that she found were all about good blood flow to my uterus amongst other things.
A perfect pre-transfer day!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Post Theatre
Theatre went well yesterday.
Aside from the anaesthetist who, upon having trouble getting the needle into my hand, tried to put it into my wrist instead. The pain was excriating. He then gave me gas to relax me so he could try to get it into my other hand. Of course I was even more tense after what he had just done to my hand and wrist! And I hated the gas as well. It was awful. But finally the needle went in the other hand. Why he didn't try my other hand first before trying my wrist is beyond me.
When I woke from theatre the only pain I had was the excriating pain in my wrist. My abdomen was fine! I couldn't move my arm at all without agony. My wrist was iced by the nurses and a cream put on it to try to bring out the bruising and encourage faster healing. Today it is better, but I still need to be careful. I can type in short bursts (this post is taking a long time to put together!), but I can't undo bottles/jars or do up my bra! I made sure to get dressed before Dave left for work so he could help me :) So, no permanent damage to my wrist thank goodness. Just a really nasty bruise covering my inner wrist and a dark red blotch where the needle went in.
We got 7 eggs which the OB was happy with. I was hoping for 8-10, but 7 is still good. After all, we only need one good one! Of those 7, one was immature and one didn't fertilise. So we have 5 embryos starting to grow! Fingers crossed they continue to grow!
Wednesday I start the Crinone (progesterone cream).
Thursday I start aspirin 100 mg and Clexane 40 mg.
One of the results of my multiple blood screenings was that I have a problem with blood clotting. I don't know what that means in regards to my overall health, I will investigate that further later on. But in regards to pregnancy, it means that it can be more difficult for implantation to fully take hold. So, I will be on these two drugs until further notice. The clexane is another daily injection - just great! Not!
Friday we go in for the transfer - fingers crossed of course that we get at least one good embryo.
Monday I go into the clinic for a pregnyl 500iu injection. I haven't had this one before either. This one helps keep the lining of the womb all nice and juicy for implantation.
And then on Wednesday the 27th, if I haven't started my period, I go in for a pregnancy test.
My OB is pulling out all the stops for this one. Giving it everything she can. I'm glad. Because I really don't think I can go through it again. Especially theatre. The anxiety I feel going in there is so high and I so wanted to jump off that bed and say "I'm calling it off, I'm calling it off". But of course I didn't.
And theatre is still not the end of it as you can see from the list above. I'm tired of being poked and prodded. I'm tired of feeling so many array of emotions and physical symptoms. I'm really tired of injections. My coping skills are really struggling with that one.
Please, please, please let this one work.
Aside from the anaesthetist who, upon having trouble getting the needle into my hand, tried to put it into my wrist instead. The pain was excriating. He then gave me gas to relax me so he could try to get it into my other hand. Of course I was even more tense after what he had just done to my hand and wrist! And I hated the gas as well. It was awful. But finally the needle went in the other hand. Why he didn't try my other hand first before trying my wrist is beyond me.
When I woke from theatre the only pain I had was the excriating pain in my wrist. My abdomen was fine! I couldn't move my arm at all without agony. My wrist was iced by the nurses and a cream put on it to try to bring out the bruising and encourage faster healing. Today it is better, but I still need to be careful. I can type in short bursts (this post is taking a long time to put together!), but I can't undo bottles/jars or do up my bra! I made sure to get dressed before Dave left for work so he could help me :) So, no permanent damage to my wrist thank goodness. Just a really nasty bruise covering my inner wrist and a dark red blotch where the needle went in.
We got 7 eggs which the OB was happy with. I was hoping for 8-10, but 7 is still good. After all, we only need one good one! Of those 7, one was immature and one didn't fertilise. So we have 5 embryos starting to grow! Fingers crossed they continue to grow!
Wednesday I start the Crinone (progesterone cream).
Thursday I start aspirin 100 mg and Clexane 40 mg.
One of the results of my multiple blood screenings was that I have a problem with blood clotting. I don't know what that means in regards to my overall health, I will investigate that further later on. But in regards to pregnancy, it means that it can be more difficult for implantation to fully take hold. So, I will be on these two drugs until further notice. The clexane is another daily injection - just great! Not!
Friday we go in for the transfer - fingers crossed of course that we get at least one good embryo.
Monday I go into the clinic for a pregnyl 500iu injection. I haven't had this one before either. This one helps keep the lining of the womb all nice and juicy for implantation.
And then on Wednesday the 27th, if I haven't started my period, I go in for a pregnancy test.
My OB is pulling out all the stops for this one. Giving it everything she can. I'm glad. Because I really don't think I can go through it again. Especially theatre. The anxiety I feel going in there is so high and I so wanted to jump off that bed and say "I'm calling it off, I'm calling it off". But of course I didn't.
And theatre is still not the end of it as you can see from the list above. I'm tired of being poked and prodded. I'm tired of feeling so many array of emotions and physical symptoms. I'm really tired of injections. My coping skills are really struggling with that one.
Please, please, please let this one work.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
The days before egg harvest
The days continue to chop and change with side effects. I had a great day on Friday but totally collapsed in exhaustion late afternoon and that continued throughout Saturday. Then I picked up Saturday night and wasn't able to sleep till midnight! Go figure! Today I am once again feeling quite weary.
Wednesday I had my last scan before harvest on Monday. My follicles have continued to develop and there were around 10 measuring 13-14mm. So, I would imagine they have reached the goal size of 17mm by now. I'm feeling sore and heavy in the ovaries and I find that if I have a full bladder it is more uncomfortable!
We did the last puregon and orgalutron injections on Friday night and did the trigger injection (ovidrel) last night (Saturday). So today is a day off for injections before theatre tomorrow.
I must admit to not coping all that well in the last few days. I think doing this round on the back end of two miscarriages is taking its toll on my emotions and body. At this point, I don't know that I could go through another round. Fingers crossed we won't have to!
I also have a lot of anxiety over going under for the egg harvest. I have so many fears of it, all related to my physical well being. I always fear the worst. I just need to remember that I get knocked out and then in the next blink of an eye it is all over. And that during the procedure I am under good care. If anything goes wrong, I have an absolutely awesome doctor, in fact I will have two doctors for this procedure, so I am being well looked after. It doesn't take away my fear but I am focusing in on those thoughts to help me.
Today we are hanging out with some friends. They are moving house in a couple of weeks and I offered to help them pack. It will be a good distraction as well as great company for the day. I'll do what I can energy wise and I know Dave will keep an eye out for me and not let me do too much.
I'm looking forward to the next week moving along quickly. The 5 day wait after the harvest to find out if we have any good embryos and then the transfer procedure. All things I will be glad to have completed.
Wish me luck for Monday's harvest!
Wednesday I had my last scan before harvest on Monday. My follicles have continued to develop and there were around 10 measuring 13-14mm. So, I would imagine they have reached the goal size of 17mm by now. I'm feeling sore and heavy in the ovaries and I find that if I have a full bladder it is more uncomfortable!
We did the last puregon and orgalutron injections on Friday night and did the trigger injection (ovidrel) last night (Saturday). So today is a day off for injections before theatre tomorrow.
I must admit to not coping all that well in the last few days. I think doing this round on the back end of two miscarriages is taking its toll on my emotions and body. At this point, I don't know that I could go through another round. Fingers crossed we won't have to!
I also have a lot of anxiety over going under for the egg harvest. I have so many fears of it, all related to my physical well being. I always fear the worst. I just need to remember that I get knocked out and then in the next blink of an eye it is all over. And that during the procedure I am under good care. If anything goes wrong, I have an absolutely awesome doctor, in fact I will have two doctors for this procedure, so I am being well looked after. It doesn't take away my fear but I am focusing in on those thoughts to help me.
Today we are hanging out with some friends. They are moving house in a couple of weeks and I offered to help them pack. It will be a good distraction as well as great company for the day. I'll do what I can energy wise and I know Dave will keep an eye out for me and not let me do too much.
I'm looking forward to the next week moving along quickly. The 5 day wait after the harvest to find out if we have any good embryos and then the transfer procedure. All things I will be glad to have completed.
Wish me luck for Monday's harvest!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
IVF round one
Well, we have finished our first round of IVF – unsuccessfully. I have a month off now to recover and then we go again.
Unfortunately, we only got one viable embryo, which was of course implanted. So with no frozen embryos to use, I need to go through the whole process again to produce more eggs.
It was a difficult month. I didn’t have any trouble with the injections nor did I go through any mood swings which was great. But I was exhausted. All the time exhausted.
And then there was the ovary bleed. After the egg retrieval, I had what I thought was the usual discomfort after this procedure, only to wake up in complete and utter agony in the middle of the night. It was excruciating. Fortunately our clinic has a 24 hour service and we called them at 1 am.
The doctor on call was fantastic. He diagnosed what was wrong and I went on a high dose of pain medication and we were able to manage. I couldn’t move on my own, couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t straighten. It hurt so much to pee even. I was on my back for a week. And then I continued to get spasms of pain right up until I sadly got my period. I knew something wasn’t right. I said to Dave “being pregnant shouldn’t feel like this”. That night we found out I wasn’t.
Even now, a week after my period has finished, I still feel mild symptoms of discomfort which could be the residue of the reproduction system getting a complete battering!
The next working day after the bleed began, I was at the clinic having blood tests and scans to confirm the diagnosis. Fortunately it wasn’t ovarian hyperstimulation, but a bleed from the ovary. The doctor is not sure whether it began a day after the surgery or was a slow bleed that took a while to manifest. Either way, it didn’t matter, we knew what was wrong.
In the end, I had two weeks off work from the exhaustion before the retrieval and then from the bleed. The end result of all of that, is that I have cut my teaching back a day. There is no way I can go through all of that again and try and maintain the same workload. I am so relieved!! As of now, I am teaching one day less. Woohoo!
We learnt a lot from the egg fertilisation. They got 10 eggs and they fertilised half via IVF (natural selection) and half via ICSI (where they inject the sperm into the egg.)
From the IVF procedure we only got one embryo. Apparently as you get older, the outer lining of the egg hardens and it is harder for the sperm to break through. That explains a lot.
From the ICSI , we got 4 embryos!
However, none of the ICSI embryos developed. It was the IVF embryo that got through to a stage of being able to implant. But even that had a lot of fragmentation and the doctor wasn’t really happy with it.
So, over the last three years of us trying, if one of the little suckers actually managed to break through the outer lining, we may have been fertilising eggs and they just didn’t develop.
I am feeling a little disheartened with the results and what we have learnt. I knew age was a real factor but this bit of science really made it a reality. Nevertheless, we go again in a few weeks. And I need every minute of those weeks to recover – both emotionally and physically.
I’m not doing so well right now. My anxiety levels are up and I am just not with it. All I really want to do is hide away in bed and read. But after next week, I have two weeks holiday, so the timing of that is terrific!
Unfortunately, we only got one viable embryo, which was of course implanted. So with no frozen embryos to use, I need to go through the whole process again to produce more eggs.
It was a difficult month. I didn’t have any trouble with the injections nor did I go through any mood swings which was great. But I was exhausted. All the time exhausted.
And then there was the ovary bleed. After the egg retrieval, I had what I thought was the usual discomfort after this procedure, only to wake up in complete and utter agony in the middle of the night. It was excruciating. Fortunately our clinic has a 24 hour service and we called them at 1 am.
The doctor on call was fantastic. He diagnosed what was wrong and I went on a high dose of pain medication and we were able to manage. I couldn’t move on my own, couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t straighten. It hurt so much to pee even. I was on my back for a week. And then I continued to get spasms of pain right up until I sadly got my period. I knew something wasn’t right. I said to Dave “being pregnant shouldn’t feel like this”. That night we found out I wasn’t.
Even now, a week after my period has finished, I still feel mild symptoms of discomfort which could be the residue of the reproduction system getting a complete battering!The next working day after the bleed began, I was at the clinic having blood tests and scans to confirm the diagnosis. Fortunately it wasn’t ovarian hyperstimulation, but a bleed from the ovary. The doctor is not sure whether it began a day after the surgery or was a slow bleed that took a while to manifest. Either way, it didn’t matter, we knew what was wrong.
In the end, I had two weeks off work from the exhaustion before the retrieval and then from the bleed. The end result of all of that, is that I have cut my teaching back a day. There is no way I can go through all of that again and try and maintain the same workload. I am so relieved!! As of now, I am teaching one day less. Woohoo!
We learnt a lot from the egg fertilisation. They got 10 eggs and they fertilised half via IVF (natural selection) and half via ICSI (where they inject the sperm into the egg.)
From the IVF procedure we only got one embryo. Apparently as you get older, the outer lining of the egg hardens and it is harder for the sperm to break through. That explains a lot.
From the ICSI , we got 4 embryos!
However, none of the ICSI embryos developed. It was the IVF embryo that got through to a stage of being able to implant. But even that had a lot of fragmentation and the doctor wasn’t really happy with it.
So, over the last three years of us trying, if one of the little suckers actually managed to break through the outer lining, we may have been fertilising eggs and they just didn’t develop.
I am feeling a little disheartened with the results and what we have learnt. I knew age was a real factor but this bit of science really made it a reality. Nevertheless, we go again in a few weeks. And I need every minute of those weeks to recover – both emotionally and physically.
I’m not doing so well right now. My anxiety levels are up and I am just not with it. All I really want to do is hide away in bed and read. But after next week, I have two weeks holiday, so the timing of that is terrific!
Friday, March 2, 2012
IVF
And so it begins…
We got all the IVF drugs today and will start our first round when I get my period in a few days.
To be absolutely honest, I am absolutely terrified.
I am going through a tough patch now, just with my life. I am terrified about throwing this into the mix as well. How am I going to react? Will it be too much for me? Will I lose the plot? Will I end up in a full blown panic attack and in hospital? That maybe an overreaction, but it is a thought that I truly and honestly feel all the time.
First thing is, I need to try and get on top of things. I’m just not really sure how to go about that. Everything I have tried over the last few weeks hasn’t even gotten off the ground. But from tomorrow and especially from Monday, things need to be radically different.
The nurse said something interesting today. She said that for every negative thought we have, we need 6 positive thoughts to counteract it. Which roughly would mean I would need about 200 positive thought a day! LOL and a 
, but true. It shows just how powerful our negative thoughts are.
She suggested starting a list of positive things to do, when the negativity / despair etc descends. So Dave and I have put a little plan into action. We have a grocery shopping app that links to both our phones. Occasionally we have fun with it and leave each other messages. Dave is going to do this for me now. He is going to leave me positive, fun messages to try and help me through this phase I am in. That in itself is a wonderfully positive thought!
As for me, I need to find my own list. I need to remember that this IVF thing is the most important thing in my life and I need to battle my inner demons with love and positivity in order for things to go well for me, for us and for our future baby.
Here goes!!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
A response!
Two posts in one day. This one is in answer to Anita, who wrote a comment to my post The Journey Through.
I’ve always appreciated Anita’s comments and concern and support for our journey. I value her on-line friendship greatly. In this comment, she expressed her concern over my physical and emotional trials and wondered if it wasn’t time that I get on with fertility treatments and “get on with the business of being a wife and mom! :)”
She was writing this comment, just as I was writing my last post “Again???”, which came with a much more healed and renewed approach!
I started to write a response and after about 5 paragraphs, realised it was much more than a comment and has now morphed into this post documenting where we are with our thinking on fertility treatments!!
We had just started the fertility treatment process, when I got pregnant naturally. It was amazing! We were so excited. Even though it didn’t work out, we have found renewed hope that we can do this naturally. So we have decided to give it just a couple of months to see if it can happen again!
I so don't want to go through all the hormone treatments of fertility. I know I will struggle with them, with the emotions and the time, and all else that goes with it. Ultimately though, I will do anything of course, but just a couple of months of trying is the right choice for us now. It will be good!
In retrospect, we are very happy that we got pregnant before going too far into the process with the OB that we saw. I didn't like him! He was very negative about getting pregnant over 40 and I don't need that attitude or the energy that he gave out. We have another name of an OB now (a female), recommended by our doctor, and will go with her if unsuccessful this month and the next. This will also take me closer to the end of the year and the summer break, which will be much easier to handle.
While I don't like the emotions/physical things that have been happening, I do see them as an important growth process for me, just as they were last time – 12 years ago. I realised last night that I haven't binged for nearly three weeks now. I feel the changes that are happening in my life, and I'm so glad. Things are on the improve.
Thank you so much Anita for your concern and your support! 
Love and light
xx
Monday, August 15, 2011
The journey through.
Well, we are back in the two week wait once again. Last cycles thoughts of being pregnant again didn’t come to fruition. Which in retrospect, was good. We wanted to wait a cycle just to get things back to normal.
I’ve been struggling a lot with panic attacks, anxiety and the desire to do anything at all. The chest pains from the panic attacks have been strong and scary and it has been all I could do just to get through the days.
However, things are starting to pick up again.
I believe that a lot of the reasons for my anxiety, aside from the obvious – miscarriage, work etc - has been the cycle of unhealthy eating due to stress which causes unhealthy eating with causes stress and on and on. But my body has finally said “that is enough, take these chest pains to scare you back to eating well and reducing your stress levels.”
I’ve been through this before – exactly the same thing happened when my body decided it was time I gave up smoking. Those pains and anxieties (which are the same as now) saw me going to the doctors, specialists and having ECG’s. Everything was fine. I know what is happening.
Once again it has worked. Two weeks ago, through fear, I could only eat the food basics. Even then, the pains would come back, but each day they were diminishing. To make matters worse, Dave was away for the week for work, so I was on my own trying to handle it all. But I got through it – one step closer to being better.
I also made a big decision and resigned from the Flute Society – which was a big volunteering commitment on my part. In many ways it was an important part of being active in the flute world, almost an obligation. A thing that if you didn’t do, it put you in the bad books. But I caught up with the President for coffee and explained to her what was going on and she was most understanding and helpful in making it all happen. The weight that lifted off my shoulders from doing this was amazingly significant!
Last week, with my chest pains diminished and less frequent, I introduced exercise again. I took Maxy on walks at the beautiful Christies Creek Trail, which was wonderful for both of us!
This week, I hope to introduce the stepper again. Being in the two week wait, I’m not quite game to go back to the gym. I am concerned that starting up there again in the first weeks of pregnancy would not be good. I know the equipment to avoid now, but still… I’ll start there again if we aren’t successful this time around.
The problem post miscarriage is that you start looking back. Even though you know it was nothing that you did, you start analysing. Maybe it was the machines at the gym, maybe it was yoga classes, maybe it was the massage I had before I knew I was pregnant, maybe it was… And so it goes on. It was probably none of them. It was nature. But nevertheless, I can’t bring myself to go back to the gym during the two week wait.
So, after two weeks of gradually getting back on track, I am feeling much better. It doesn’t take much for the chest pains to emerge again, but they are manageable and I am sleeping well. I am still struggling somewhat with the daily grind, but I am back to enjoying pottering around the house and doing all the domestic chores. And I feel such a sense of relief and letting go of the Flute Society. Things are progressing.
Dave doesn’t understand my chest pains and anxiety, just like he doesn’t understand my eating disorder. And I can’t seem to successfully explain it to him. I think it’s one of the those things that if you haven’t experienced it, you can’t understand it. But that’s ok. Even though we can’t connect and talk about it the way I can with someone who has been through it, he is still supporting me just by being there and loving me. I absolutely would not be surviving this without him. He is my rock, my comforter, my strength, my shoulder to lean on (literally and figuratively!), my constant, my love. “I love him to the core of my soul.”
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