Tuesday, April 5, 2016

18 weeks pregnant

I sometimes think of transferring my words to a private diary.  There once was a time when I wrote not just for me, but for others who were finding support in their own journey's.  Things are different now.  I don't have the energy to devote to searching for others who are on the same path and to regularly follow blogs.  It's all I can do to get through the day - to try and keep up with my work schedule in between resting as much as I need to.  Many things have fallen behind, but I am content to focus on those two things - work and the health of my baby and myself.  We have put so much into this - emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually - our baby is the one absolutely important thing into which I need to place all my energy.

For those people who are still reading and commenting, I love going onto your blogs as well and I thank you so much for your support.  After all this time, there is something about hearing from people who know the story from the beginning and who have been supportive all the way through.  Those are the people that matter - both in the real world and the on-line world - and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Yes, I guess I am feeling quite emotional today.  Quite likely hormones!  Of course, it is also the slow moving of days, the trials that they bring and how sometimes they just wear you down.

The wonderful news is that bubbie is still doing SO well.  We had an OB appointment and another scan yesterday and we are all just sailing along.  Aside from the bleed at 6 weeks, there has never been one moment where there has been any medical concern for bubs.  And even that bleed was nothing to do with bubs - it was all outside of my uterus.  Bubs is just sailing through!  It is amazing and surreal and wonderful.

Our morphology scan is next week.  That is going to be such a milestone along the journey and I can't wait!  Of course, we have our fingers crossed that all will be good news, but going on the results so far - there is no reason why it shouldn't be.

As for me, I am waiting.  Waiting till the day that I can feel my baby moving around and kicking.  That will be a blessed day!  But it might be some time coming.  It turns out my placenta is in the front which means I won't feel bubs as easily.  A blessing for when I am trying to sleep further along the path (!), but a delay in the day that I will be so much more secure in our pregnancy.

In the meantime, I try to be relaxed and loving and peaceful.  I want to transfer those feelings onto  bubs so he/she also feels safe and loved and at peace.  Not always an easy task I tell you, but an important goal to continue to work on achieving.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

16 weeks and kinesiology

16 weeks and still pregnant!

I had another doppler scan on Friday and there was still a heartbeat, so things are looking good!

I also had another kinesiology session where we connected with bubs and found out how things were for him/her.  I just flipped through my previous posts and realised that I hadn't talked about the first appointment!

So, I've been seeing a kinesiologist for many years now.  She is an amazing woman who has gradually changed my life!

A few weeks ago, I had my first appointment with this pregnancy and for the first time in any of my pregnancies, we were able to tune into bubs and see what he/she wanted or needed or had to say.  The fact that we could do this was just so amazing to me and really helped me to feel much more secure in the pregnancy.

In this appointment, Carolyn first asked if bubs wanted or needed anything.  All he/she wanted to was to make sure that he/she took on more of Dave's DNA as he/she grew.  Bubs wanted that for us, to ensure that there was more of Dave in him/her than there was of our donor.  I thought that was just the loveliest thing to ask for and to want for us.  What a beautiful, generous soul is our bubs!

In the second appointment. bubs said that he/she was really aware of my fears and tuning into my fears for him/her as well as some other fears in my life.  I wasn't happy about that at all.  I don't want to be putting my fears onto our baby.  I certainly don't want him/her taking them on board.  So, we worked on that in the session and I have continued to work on that ever since.  And when I am feeling those fears I talk to bubbie and make sure he/she understands that this is my thing and he/she is not to take it on board.  That I am working on it and everything is ok.  That he/she is perfectly safe and sound inside my womb.  I think it helps both of us!  :)

The other things bubs needed was more omega 3's.  All other nutrition was fine, but he/she needed more nuts and avocados to help with development.  So, off to the supermarket I went!

I am so grateful to have this wonderful source to be able to help me with my journey through life and to be able to find out if there is anything our baby needs.  It is so incredible.  I know not everyone will believe in it, but for me, I have had years of seeing how it works, how it has made such a difference in my life, physically, emotionally and most amazingly, on a deep spiritual level.  It is an incredible blessing!

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

14 weeks pregnant

Last week was great!  I felt so much better.  I did a good weeks work and starting exercising again.  It was great to get the all clear to be able to do so!

This week, the nausea and tiredness have come back and I'm flattened again.  I guess that is the name of the game when you have your first baby at 47 years of age.  I"m going with the theory that bubbie is having a big growth spurt!  :)

I am grateful for a good doctors appointment yesterday and emotionally, I feel better for it.  My doctor had been away for a few weeks, so I was really happy to connect with her for the first time with this pregnancy.  She was so excited!!

She did a doppler scan and we were both excited to have found bubbies heartbeat.  It was a relief and a thrill all at the same time.  So, after a week of feeling quite anxious and nervous, I am finally starting to relax into the pregnancy a little bit.  I am really looking to when he/she is kicking around inside me and I get constant reassurances!

We got the results of our 12 week scan last week and everything looks great.  Our risk factor for Downs etc is very low and all test and images show a healthy baby and pregnancy.  Another sigh of relief!

Today, I have to not feel guilty about work and just take care of myself.  Bubbie and my health is the most important thing.  I am so grateful to be able to work from home and be able to take the time when I need it.  And I have an understanding brother for a boss!  Blessings.

I thought I would post a little video of bubbie doing jumps inside my womb during our 12 week scan.  The file didn't come over very well, so hubbie put the one good jump we got on video into a loop.  Jump and slide back down, jump and sliiiide back down!

Friday, February 26, 2016

Finished with artificial hormones!

Over the last two weeks, the fertility clinic has been weaning me off all the artificial hormones I have been taking to help support the pregnancy.  As of three days ago, I am no longer taking anything!

The difference is huge!  I feel so much better.  I know part of it is getting past the 12 week scan and part of it is moving into the second trimester.  But a big part of it, I believe, is no more extra progesterone and estrogen.  I'm not so tired, I can focus on work again and my nausea seems to be a bit better too.

What a relief!  The sense of freedom is huge.  I was on them three times a day for 10 weeks!  Had to lay down for 30 minutes after each dose, then couldn't go to the toilet for at least an hour afterwards.  It is so nice to be able to go to the toilet when I want to!!  lol!

I have one more blood test tomorrow just to make sure the levels are ok without any assistance.  Hopefully everything is fine.


Another day has passed since I wrote the above and I'm getting restless now about bubs.  Its been 5 days since the 12 week scan and some anxiety is creeping back again.  Our next scan is in another 5 days when we see the OB for the results of the nuchal testing etc.

I just have to take each day as it comes and trust that everything is still okay.  I look at the photos and videos from the 12 week scan and that helps.  I feel certain things in my body and that helps.

One day at a time, one scan at a time!

Love and light

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

12 weeks and bubs is going strong

Yesterday was our  12 week scan.  Everything is still going really well!  I almost can't believe it.  It is so surreal.  We are now in new territory having never gotten this far before in our previous pregnancies.

So much to catch up on in 6 weeks...

Last week was a terrible week leading up to our 12 week scan.  That was the week our last baby died in utero and I was paralysed with fear.  I spent a couple of days in bed with exhaustion and it took me a while to realise that some of that exhaustion was not the pregnancy but the unconscious fears I was living with.

Now that we have passed the hump of the 12 week scan my tiredness has gone back to its normal pregnancy exhaustion!  I can function again in otherwords!

We've had a scan every week since the bleed at 6 weeks just to check on everything and also to maintain my sanity!  :)  Each week was good and each week we saw our little one bouncing around inside me.  He/She is an active one, always on the move and seeming to play chasey with the scanner!  :) :) Measurements have been great every week.  It was good, and also necessary, to be reassured every week that things were progressing normally.

At 10.5 weeks, we had our first OB appointment.  That also went well and the doctor assured us that there was absolutely nothing that he was worried about.  Everything looked great.

We go back at 13.5 weeks to get the results of the nuchal test and other tests that I had - blood and urine.  The scan was a good start to the nuchal test with a measurement of just 1.4 mm.  As long as its under 3.5 mm, all should be good.  A normal measurement is 1.3 mm, so we are right on the mark!  So now we wait on the combined tests for the nuchal.  But we are feeling pretty relaxed about that.

As for me, I'm dealing with nausea quite a bit, particularly when I have to cook or prepare food, or sometimes just look at food!!  But I'm very grateful not to have had any vomiting.  A fantastic blessing to be sure!  :)

I've also got a lot of lower abdomen discomfort with the muscles and ligaments stretching and getting ready for expansion.  And then there are the times when my bowels/digestion cause me severe pain as everything moves around.  That is fun - not!  :)

Then there are the temperature fluctuations in my body, with heat at night being a particular problem.  But that does seem to be settling down a little bit.

I always said that if I was pregnant I would be grateful for every bit of pain and discomfort I was in.  And now that we are passed the 12 week mark, I most definitely am.  It was a bit harder before that, when I was also always on the edge of anxiety, but I always kept that thought in mind and tried to focus on the gratitudes rather than the fear.

There is still a question mark over us about our pregnancy.  With our history, I think it will always be there.  But the ? is a lot smaller now and we are happy to tell a few other people about our news.  So, keep your fingers crossed.  We are doing really well so far and can only pray that bubbie continues to grow as beautifully as he/she has been so far.  We love you little one!!

Sunday, January 17, 2016

6 weeks, 6 days

6 weeks, 5 days and still pregnant!  We hope...

We had a bit of scary drama on Friday night...

I had a bleed.  We thought - thats it, its all over. Turns out, its not.  Big deep breath out.

It was 9.30 pm.  We called the clinic straight away and were very thankful that it was our fertility doctor who was on call that weekend.  She talked us through a few things, including that a bleed doesn't necessarily mean a miscarriage and suggested we go to the hospital for a scan.

By 4 am we had finally left the hospital with no clear result but with hope that things were still ok.  The scan showed that there was a yolk sac, but no proof of life.  At 5 weeks, 5 days it was too early to know.

The clinic got us in for a scan on Monday and wow!!, they detected a fetal heartbeat!  They were quite clear before the scan that it was very unlikely they would detect one at 6 weeks, but sometimes it happened.  Really what they were looking for was signs of the yolk sac and a healthy uterus.  They found that as well.

The scan showed that no bleeding had occured from the uterus, the lining was good, the sac was good, everything looked as it should.  And of course, a heartbeat!

So they believe the bleeding came from the cervix.  With all the hormones I am taking, the cervix has been weakened.  And before the bleed, I had done some vaccuming and mopping, which could have been the issue.

After having another little issue a few days later when I did some more vaccuming, we know that this is the cause.  So, I've been ordered off housework.  With Dave in full swing of work, he just not have time to take up the slack, so we have to get a cleaner.  Its not financially good for us, but it might only be for a few weeks, until I stop taking hormones and the cervix gains some strength.

Since then, I have been brown spotting every day.  I do wish it would stop.  While its not scary because it is nothing fresh, it still leaves us with mild anxiety as we wait for everything to heal.

The other difficulty is in the depth of my exhaustion.  I've tried to keep up walking believing that would be helping, but I've been ordered of that as well for the next few weeks.  It is just more important that all my energy goes into growing our baby.

So, a scare, and a few resulting frustrations.  But, I can live it with it all knowing that is ensuring the continuation of our pregnancy and the health of our growing baby.

Tomorrow we go for a follow up scan to make sure things are still developing as they should.  We will both sigh a big relief if this one is also good.  Considering my daily nausea as well as tiredness and muscular stretching pains, I think the chances are good!

Thursday, January 14, 2016

4 weeks, 6 days

Wrote this nearly two weeks ago now...

I'm now 4 weeks and 6 days and my levels are going up really well.

In the first blood test, the HCG levels were a high 491.  I'm guessing that our little one implanted very soon after the transfer.

I had the second blood test today and was hoping for an HCG level of 1500.  It was 1547!

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

In the first test, there was an issue with low progesterone, but I hadn't had my dose that day yet.  They upped my dosage and things were fine this time.

The relief that things are progressing well is huge.  With the history we've had, it doesn't take me long to get concerned again, so I'm glad to be having another follow up test in 3 days.  I hope that as things continue to progress well, I will relax into the pregnancy more.

One of the reasons my concerns had increased in the last couple of days, was because I have no symptoms.  Breasts a little bit sore, but thats it.  I actually feel good!  It worried me that I wasn't feeling anything, no stretchy feeling, no nausea, I wasn't even tired anymore.  It's funny to really want uncomfortable symptoms, just to feel like I'm pregnant!

So, right now, things are good.  It's exciting to think of a little life form growing inside of me.
I will continue to take each step as it comes and try to enjoy the journey!

Saturday, January 2, 2016

The results!

Day 16 after fertilisation.  The day has arrived.  Blood test day.  I was down at the blood clinic at 7.45.  Now we wait...

In the meantime...

By day 12 after fertilisation, I was going a little nuts.  I just had to do a home pregnancy test.  It was positive!  A step in the right direction.

By Day 15 after fertilisation, I was going nuts again.  I had to check.  Positive again!  The relief I felt was huge.

I was still feeling good this morning.  Happy to wait the day out.  Then the fertility clinic called.  They were just checking that I had done the test and wanted to know where I went so they could keep an eye out for it.  So good of them.  They are amazing.

Except after I got off the phone, the anxiety was back.  The anticipation.  Worry.  Fortunately, I went back to my relaxed place - mostly.

My physical symptoms are also confirming the positive tests.  Most symptoms I have can be associated with pregnancy or pre-menstrual, but now the body temperature fluctuations have started.  I'm going from hot to cold during the day and at night I am super hot in bed.  The only times I have felt this symptom is when I've been pregnant.  So another good sign!

It doesn't help that we are having temperatures in the high 30's , low 40's at the moment.  Around 100 for those in Farenheit!  I've taken to carrying a water spray that has a fan attached to it.  And at night, I keep a wet flannel next to me.

Time to wait...

A few hours later....

It's Positive!!!!!