Holidays soon!

We are going holidays in a few weeks.  It’s the first time in nearly four years that we are having an actual ‘holiday’.  We have been away – to Sydney to visit family for Christmas or other events and to our property in the country – but not an actual, nothing else to do, stay in some strange place with nothing to do except what we want to do, and visit new things, holiday.  The last one was only three months into our relationship, can you believe it?! 

It will be so good for us.  Dave is already starting to stress about not being at work for that time, even though his Dad will be in town taking care of things.  He so needs to get away from the business for a while.  But there will still be a daily phone call in the afternoon to make sure things are running smoothly.  However for the first three days, we won’t have any phone reception!  Woohoo!!  He is excited about that.  We should have booked to stay there longer!   

Of course, if I turn out to have conceived this time around, then will be middle in an isolated area during the critical first few weeks.  And I will miss out on all the hill climbing bushwalking that I love to do.  But we will only be a couple of hours away from a doctor and who cares about the bushwalking and rockclimbing if I’m pregnant!  I’d much rather have that at this stage.

We are halfway through the two week wait.  Once again, I am getting the same sensations as last cycle, which were the same as when I was pregnant.  Our OB appointment isn’t till November.  That was the earliest we could get in.  So, it will be a while to find out what is going on.  Either that, or in a week’s time I will tell you I’m pregnant!   Who knows??!  Lets hope for the latter and then an uneventful relaxing holiday.

Appointment

I had my doctors appointment today.  She didn’t have any ideas on why I have been experiencing the symptoms I have – tender breasts after my period, pregnancy like pains a week beforehand.  But I have my referral and the OB’s phone number, so the ball is rolling.

She has exactly the attitude we are looking for in our OB.  “Yes, here are the statistics, but they are SO much better than they were 10 years ago.  And you have been pregnant once now, let’s forget the statistics and just get on with trying to get you pregnant again”

She couldn’t tell me if Elinor will have the same attitude, so keep your fingers crossed for us.  She has to be better than the last OB!

We are now in the two-week wait.  I’ll try to be more patient than I was last time!

Ready

Day 14 and I’ve ovulated.  This means a normal, regular 28 day cycle.  What the??!!  That is unheard of for me!  So, I’m seeing it as a positive thing with the belief that my body has learnt from being pregnant for a brief time and has been reset to normal.  It has remembered what to do!

Positivity is reigning in my life today.  I’ve been sick for several days and I think the rest has been really good for me.  I’ve begun to change my story and have blogged about this on my other blog.  It is a good thing and I look forward to seeing how it evolves.

My doctor’s appointment is tomorrow.  Time to get things rolling for our first round of IVF.  With any luck, it won’t come to that, but I am now ready for it.  I’m looking forward to meeting a different OB with the hope that she is the right one for us.  She needs to have a positive approach to us trying to get pregnant over 40 and she needs to not dwell on my weight issues.  We know the over 40 and overweight statistics.  Just leave them in the background and stay focused on achieving pregnancy.  That is the support we need in this process.

And so be it!

Day 1

It’s Day 1 today.  I’m still having those uncomfortable uterine pains which I relate to my last pregnancy, but upon googling others experiences of post-miscarriage PMS, it all seems fairly normal.

It can take 3-4 months for the body to return to normal.  Until then, the symptoms can often make you feel as though you may be pregnant again.  Which is exactly what I am experiencing.  It is quite different to my usual PMS and period pain.  For me, as with some other women who have written over the net, I am experiencing lower back pain, cramping which is more like a constant dull ache or stretching sensation, nausea, mild breast tenderness and tiredness.  All of which, can be symptoms of pregnancy!  It can all be so confusing!

Last cycle, I began experiencing these things right after ovulation.  This time, they started about a week ago, along with a mood change of feeling quite sad one morning, which is a common PMS thing for me. 

The positive thing is that this is a 30 day cycle.  Having always had irregular cycles - , they can be anything from 30 – 36 days - having a 30 day cycle is a good sign for me.  I still have the hope that having experienced a pregnancy, my body has been reminded on what it has to do and is making the changes already.

As for what to do next, I have had enough of waiting to get pregnant.  I’m getting in with the OB asap!

A response!

Two posts in one day.  This one is in answer to Anita, who wrote a comment to my post The Journey Through.

I’ve always appreciated Anita’s comments and concern and support for our journey.  I value her on-line friendship greatly.  In this comment, she expressed her concern over my physical and emotional trials and wondered if it wasn’t time that I get on with fertility treatments and “get on with the business of being a wife and mom! :)”

She was writing this comment, just as I was writing my last post “Again???”, which came with a much more healed and renewed approach!

I started to write a response and after about 5 paragraphs, realised it was much more than a comment and has now morphed into this post documenting where we are with our thinking on fertility treatments!!

 

We had just started the fertility treatment process, when I got pregnant naturally.  It was amazing!  We were so excited.  Even though it didn’t work out, we have found renewed hope that we can do this naturally.  So we have decided to give it just a couple of months to see if it can happen again!

I so don't want to go through all the hormone treatments of fertility.  I know I will struggle with them, with the emotions and the time, and all else that goes with it.  Ultimately though, I will do anything of course, but just a couple of months of trying is the right choice for us now.  It will be good!

In retrospect, we are very happy that we got pregnant before going too far into the process with the OB that we saw.  I didn't like him!  He was very negative about getting pregnant over 40 and I don't need that attitude or the energy that he gave out.  We have another name of an OB now (a female), recommended by our doctor, and will go with her if unsuccessful this month and the next.  This will also take me closer to the end of the year and the summer break, which will be much easier to handle.

While I don't like the emotions/physical things that have been happening, I do see them as an important growth process for me, just as they were last time – 12 years ago.  I realised last night that I haven't binged for nearly three weeks now.  I feel the changes that are happening in my life, and I'm so glad.  Things are on the improve.

Thank you so much Anita for your concern and your support!   

Love and light

xx

Again??

Today I find myself wondering yet again “Am I pregnant?”  I’ve been having trouble sleeping the last few nights and I have sharp lower back pains.  Considering I have been sleeping really well for two weeks now and haven’t had lower back pains since I don’t know when – I am wondering.

Gosh, is every symptom in this two week wait going to make me thing maybe I am!

The difference now from a few months ago, is that I have been pregnant.  Before then, we had given up any hope that I was going to conceive naturally.  Now there is hope.  Now I have experienced what it was like for a just a few short weeks.  Now, I have some understanding of the symptoms.  Now I have faith again that it will happen.  In some ways, I am almost expecting it.  This is good!

Due to the lack of sleep, I am struggling to get through the day.  But once 3.30 rolls around, I intend to do a little bit of shopping for our dining table – which is always a fun thing to do and then go home and curl up in front the heater with the TV or a book and chill to the sound of the pouring rain.  I can’t wait.  That thought will get me through the day!!!

The journey through.

Well, we are back in the two week wait once again.  Last cycles thoughts of being pregnant again didn’t come to fruition.  Which in retrospect, was good.  We wanted to wait a cycle just to get things back to normal. 

I’ve been struggling a lot with panic attacks, anxiety and the desire to do anything at all.  The chest pains from the panic attacks have been strong and scary and it has been all I could do just to get through the days.

However, things are starting to pick up again. 

I believe that a lot of the reasons for my anxiety, aside from the obvious – miscarriage, work etc - has been the cycle of unhealthy eating due to stress which causes unhealthy eating with causes stress and on and on.  But my body has finally said “that is enough, take these chest pains to scare you back to eating well and reducing your stress levels.” 

I’ve been through this before – exactly the same thing happened when my body decided it was time I gave up smoking.  Those pains and anxieties (which are the same as now) saw me going to the doctors, specialists and having ECG’s.  Everything was fine.  I know what is happening.

Once again it has worked.  Two weeks ago, through fear, I could only eat the food basics.  Even then, the pains would come back, but each day they were diminishing.  To make matters worse, Dave was away for the week for work, so I was on my own trying to handle it all.  But I got through it – one step closer to being better.

I also made a big decision and resigned from the Flute Society – which was a big volunteering commitment on my part.  In many ways it was an important part of being active in the flute world, almost an obligation.  A thing that if you didn’t do, it put you in the bad books.  But I caught up with the President for coffee and explained to her what was going on and she was most understanding and helpful in making it all happen.  The weight that lifted off my shoulders from doing this was amazingly significant!

Last week,  with my chest pains diminished and less frequent, I introduced exercise again.  I took Maxy on walks at the beautiful Christies Creek Trail, which was wonderful for both of us!

This week, I hope to introduce the stepper again.  Being in the two week wait, I’m not quite game to go back to the gym.  I am concerned that starting up there again in the first weeks of pregnancy would not be good.  I know the equipment to avoid now, but still…  I’ll start there again if we aren’t successful this time around.

The problem post miscarriage is that you start looking back.  Even though you know it was nothing that you did, you start analysing.  Maybe it was the machines at the gym, maybe it was yoga classes, maybe it was the massage I had before I knew I was pregnant, maybe it was…  And so it goes on.  It was probably none of them.  It was nature.  But nevertheless, I can’t bring myself to go back to the gym during the two week wait.

So, after two weeks of gradually getting back on track, I am feeling much better.  It doesn’t take much for the chest pains to emerge again, but they are manageable and I am sleeping well.  I am still struggling somewhat with the daily grind, but I am back to enjoying pottering around the house and doing all the domestic chores.  And I feel such a sense of relief and letting go of the Flute Society.  Things are progressing.

Dave doesn’t understand my chest pains and anxiety, just like he doesn’t understand my eating disorder.  And I can’t seem to successfully explain it to him. I think it’s one of the those things that if you haven’t experienced it, you can’t understand it.  But that’s ok. Even though we can’t connect and talk about it the way I can with someone who has been through it, he is still supporting me just by being there and loving me.  I absolutely would not be surviving this without him.  He is my rock, my comforter, my strength, my shoulder to lean on (literally and figuratively!), my constant, my love.  “I love him to the core of my soul.”

Frustration

Today is the first day of my holidays.  I still have the accounting to do, but there is no more music camp or music course and no more school for 10 days.  The last week and a half were a real push.  I was pushing every second to get out of the house and then get through the day.  I am so grateful to be free for a little while.

The last two days of camp were good.  I enjoyed them and I felt my mood lift.  Then I realised that during that time I was starting to feel the pregnancy symptoms that I had before.  Lower abdomen cramping and sneezing.  And I started to think that I may be pregnant again.  Could that have explained my change in mood?

Then I learnt that it isn’t until after implantation that hcg levels begin to rise and pregnancy symptoms start appearing.  Today would only be day 6 after conception, if there is a conception, so it is highly unlikely.  But what are these symptoms I am having?

We had not intended to try again until the next cycle, to allow my body to get back to normal.  But for one afternoon, we felt great.  I was happy and relaxed and being together was wonderful.  We didn’t care about contraception. 

A couple of days earlier, I had wondered if I might have ovulated, but I wasn’t sure.  We both thought – what are the chances?  Not very good considering our history.  One in a billion.  Yet, here I am wondering if I’m pregnant, starting to “feel” pregnant (is it just in my head?) and, before a few hours ago, getting very excited.  Just the idea of being pregnant, feeling these symptoms again, such joy.

But now, I am just feeling depressed.  I saw the doctor today for another reason and talked to her about it.  In a week and a half, I will do a test.  At this stage, there would be no hcg levels.  No symptoms.  God, this waiting really sucks.

I was enjoying and looking forward to a few weeks of not worrying about conception.  Having a few drinks, painting the house, eating ham and soft cheese.  All the things I haven’t been doing!  Now, I don’t want to do that, just in case.

Just in case.  Am I destined for more disappointment in two weeks time?  At a time, that I am meant to be free of pregnancy thoughts for a little while.  It wasn’t intentional.  Just one of those things.  And it was a happy thing.  I wouldn’t take it back at all.  I wouldn’t make a different decision about whether or not to use contraception that glorious afternoon.  It was the right thing.

Well at the very least, I guess this is a step away from the miscarriage.  I just hope it is in the right direction.  Whatever way it works, I will always believe it is part of my journey.  Things happen as they are destined to and I’m tired of trying to understand why.  Just accept and hand it over.

First day of course.

Today was the first day of the flute school and after the morning tea break it was much better.  I don’t know what happened at the beginning, but I found myself teary and sad.  I know that last week I was having trouble getting back into life and perhaps this was the same thing.  This was a different part of my life that I had to “get back into”.  Perhaps it was that.  I don’t know.  But nevertheless, it passed!

Now I am exhausted.  I know that I always say it is much easier being a student than a teacher, but I am beat after today!!  2 hours of driving and a broken sleep could be adding to that too of course!

Anyway, just a quick post.  My piano is being tuned at the moment and it is driving me mad!!  The repetition of sound and the out of tune going into tune tones is sending a tired, musically exhausted brain completely batty!!  I will be glad when it is finished – in another hour.  aaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

A better day.

This morning I woke up feeling normal!  No deep sadness, no anxiety pains.  I didn’t have the overwhelmingly sad dreams that I have been having every night.  Wow.  It feels so different. 

Unfortunately, Dave heads off on Monday for another week away.  This is the time of year that he has to travel.  It is just bad timing for me.  Last time he was away (last week) was when my anxiety kicked in, and that was just 2 nights.  Hopefully I will be fine. 

I have a flute course for the week, so it will be something different and I will be spending the day with colleagues listening to one of the “Gods” of the flute world rather than in a little room on my own teaching my students.  That has got to be better for me!   It is a lot of travel every day as it is in the city and I live in the outer suburbs but today, for the first time, I am looking forward to it. 

Today is my last teaching day for three weeks.  (Aside from one exam student during the holidays).  I am looking forward to my last student!  My three weeks “holidays” though are not holidays.  Next week – flute course.  The week after I am tutoring at music camp.  And the following week I have to get the EOFY accounting done. 

I really could do with a full week off, but I should be able to grab a few days here and there.  And if I go into Dave’s office to do the accounting, not only will I be with him, but I will be more focused and should get it done more quickly.

So, a better day today.  I am grateful.

Handing it over to God.  And Trusting.

A rough road

This last week has been a whirl of panic attacks, anxiety and depression.  I keep looking for a way out but just can’t find the path.  I think there is a large part of my unconscious mind that just doesn’t want to.  When I see a ray of light and possibility, my mind shuts down to it, it doesn’t want to hear it.  However do I deal with that?

I’m in a destructive whirl from which I can’t break free.  Why do I make the choices that I make?  Why do I live from a state of unconsciousness?  I feel like I have no control over my life.  aahh.  click.  That’s because I am meant to be handing over control.  And I need to do this daily.

What I need to do is so simple. 

• Make healthy food choices
• Exercise
• Do a daily devotion to God.

So simple, yet so beyond me.  It makes no sense.

I went to Queen Naturo last week to get some herbal assistance.  I have something for relieve anxiety and to uplift my mood.  She provided me with some wonderful motivational thoughts that lasted for all of about a day and a half.   I can’t live like this.

I have so many work commitments for the next three weeks that are taking over my thoughts and not giving me any time to change my behaviours.  I only took one day off from work after the miscarriage, because I just can’t take more time.  I get one weeks holiday in three weeks.  But I don’t want to have to wait until then to achieve anything.  I need relief now.

I have the day off today with a concert tonight.  But today has seen me go more in a whirl than ever.  A whirl of my destructive behaviours, rather than taking on the things that will help me.  I don’t understand this.

Dave has been waking up very early lately, that probably hasn’t helped.  I need to sleep longer than 5.30 am.  We are also still in the middle of chaos with our house renovations.

Okay, so what to do?  What to do? 

One step at a time.  One step at a time.  And hand it over to God.

Beginning the journey back.

The only physical symptom that I’m having today is complete and utter exhaustion.  I just can’t seem to get back my energy levels.  But apart from that and slightly sore boobs, I’m grateful to be feeling so much better.

I woke up in a good emotional state and that has remained during the day.  I’m struggling with the exhaustion and the emotion of having to keep on keeping on.  But I’m so grateful to be getting better.

I’ve been able to relax this afternoon.  I worked in the morning and will again this evening.  But the afternoon has been all mine and I have chilled in front of a movie with a glass of wine.  Wonderful.

Somehow I will get through my big day tomorrow and then I have a small day on Thursday and the day off on Friday.  In between I do have to write reports.  I keep forgetting about them!!  Shite!  Have to hand them in Friday.  But I can probably do them that morning.  I’m prepared, I just need to get the words down.  It will be fine.

So, what now?  Well, I know it’s time to move on from the miscarriage and begin looking forward again.  Easier said than done.  I’m sure there is still more that I need to work through on an emotional level.  But that is where I feel I need to start directing my attention.  Forward.  To getting my life back on track.  To digging out of the hole and seeing the surface again. 

Mmmm…

It seems a bit impossible right now, but I will get there!!

Thank you everyone for all your wonderful support.  I have been blessed with your love and care.  It’s made a huge difference.  Thank you.

Grateful for the bushwalk!

It was a great morning bushwalking yesterday!  I took it easy which was no problems with the little kids that were with us.  About 30 minutes in, we hit a beautiful patch of nature and I went mad with the camera and my spirits and physical energy lifted.  I feel so renewed.

Later in the day, I began to feel the effects of the exercise.  My body felt good, but I also started to get dizzy and a little nauseous and very tired.  I was so grateful for the walk though, that I didn’t care.  I just curled up in front of the TV and chilled out with D.  And went to bed very early and slept right through.

I woke up with a deep sadness this morning.  Not like the cloud of depression that swamped me on Saturday, but just so sad.  It doesn’t feel directed toward or about anything in particular.  It is just there.  As the day as gone on, it has lifted significantly.  But I suspect it may return again in the morning.  We’ll see.

Physically, I feel fine today.  Some very minor abdomen discomfort, but nothing of great note.  I think I may be nearly healed, physically.  I am grateful for that.

Post miscarriage pains and bushwalking!

I’ve done a lot of internet searching the last few days about miscarriages and have found a lot of information.  But what I haven’t found is any information or anyone’s stories about the type of cramping that they have had.  Aside from the standard “period like” cramps that are to be expected, I’ve also had sharp stabbing pains that are more muscular and today, a new type of pain.  It is higher up in my abdomen and comes and goes like a pulse. 

I did read one ladies comment that the sharp stabbing pain could have been the cervix shrinking back into pre-pregnancy shape, but it was isolated comment and certainly there has been no official explanation anywhere talking about this.  Not even my doctor gave any explanation for it.  But in reverse when I was feeling these pains when I was just pregnant, she did say that it was normal.  Once again, no explanation that it may have been the cervix expanding and once again, I got that thought from a forum.

So, if anyone has any thoughts or experiences or “official” information on this, it would be much appreciated!!

I am feeling much better emotionally today and with the exception of these new abdomen pains, better physically too.

Several weeks ago, we organised a bushwalking trip with friends and that is today.  I’m not sure how I will go, but certainly I will go better today than I would have even yesterday.  I will take it easy and see.  But being out in the bush in the best place for me.  It speaks to my soul and lifts my spirits.  It always makes me so happy!  So, even if I have to hang back or sit and rest while the others go on, surely it’s going to be good for me.  Fingers crossed that that will be the case and it won’t do the opposite and wear me out again!

I will let you know!! 

Bye for now,
love and light,
xxxx

The Cloud

Today all rational and clear thinking has evaporated and I have awoken in a cloud of depression.  It probably hasn’t helped that I haven’t eaten well the last couple of days, but that is all a part of the way I’ve unconsciously always handled sadness.  Unfortunately, it also creates a vicious cycle. 

I don’t think today will be a day to try and face that as well though.  D has to work today.  A unrealistic customer means he has to work throughout the weekend to meet this customers demands.  Which means I am on my own today (Saturday), which is probably not a good thing. Because now I can just curl up in a ball and be consumed by todays depression.  D can so often bring laughter back into my spirit. 

I’ve been bleeding for nearly a week now.  And it could go on for another week yet.  Natural miscarriage always last longer than having a d+c.  But I’m glad that I’ve been able to stay away from a curette. But whatever way, it all sucks.  Big time.

I called the doctor today to find out the results of yesterdays blood tests. My HCG levels are down to 17 - from 74 on Tuesday and 310 on Sunday.  So, there is no need to get another test.  The trend is clear.  Pre-pregnancy numbers are back.

Right now I don’t feel that I can cope with anything.  I have to work again next week and I just don’t see how I can do it.  But I have no choice.  I have to.  I must get back to eating well.  I know that will help.  And that was meant to be one of the good things to come out of being pregnant – healthy eating.  But it hasn’t lasted through these emotions.

I will be glad to move pass this part of the recovery process.

Feelings after an early miscarriage

The thing with an early miscarriage is that you don’t get a chance to connect with your child.  A pregnancy that just never took, means that there was never a heartbeat, there was never a chance to feel your child, to really know that he/she was there.  You go through the early pregnancy symptoms - sore breasts, abdomen pains as ligaments start to stretch – but you never get to the morning sickness because your HCG levels never got high enough.   The pregnancy failed long before it ever really got started.

When you find out you are pregnant, you get so excited at the prospects that are ahead of you and you start to plan.  But you never actually get to the stage of putting any plans into action, because it ended all too soon.

And you realise that you never actually got your child.  The fertilised egg that you made didn’t go anywhere.  Your HCG levels never even got into the thousands.  There was no chance.  And you realise that you aren’t actually feeling the loss of a child, but the loss of the potential of a child for which you have longed for so long. 

And then you become scared that you won’t be able to get pregnant again.  And that if you do, you won’t be able to hold on to the next egg either and you will have to go through this all over again.  Or that maybe you will get further, maybe you will get to hear a heartbeat only to have to go through even greater grief of losing the growing child that you did begin to connect with.

So where does that leave me?

It leaves me with the only thing I can do.  To once again hand it over to God.  To accept that I cannot possibly understand the spiritual plan of my life.   To accept that there are never any answers.  To simply believe.  To be patient.  To trust that what is meant to happen in my life is happening and we are exactly where we need to be right now.  And to continue to slowly heal.

Recovering

It can certainly be a difficult journey recovering from miscarriage.  Things have gotten worse over the last 24 hours with severe stabbing abdominal pains, dizziness and nausea.  It has all calmed down today for the most part, but understandably, I am completely exhausted. 

I went to work yesterday, which I don’t regret doing, but it was a very difficult day to get through and may have made things a bit worse.  The doctor gave me a major serve this morning for going to work and has ordered me not to do anything for the next few days.  She said it was way too soon to have done so, both physically and emotionally.  So, I am home for the next few days (minus the two hours at work tomorrow which I will still do.  Just two hours and then no explanation is needed to be given to that school.)

D is worried about me and he ordered me not to go to work today before the doctor did.  So, I think I have been told!

I have another blood test tomorrow to make sure my hormone levels are coming down as they should.  If they haven’t, I will need to have another ultra sound.  But I suspect they will have.  And after looking at all my test results, the doctor doesn’t believe there will be any complications.  So, thats good.

She said that the physical discomfort and bleeding may last up to two weeks.  She didn’t come up with a specific explanation for the stabbing pains but it makes sense to me that they were caused by my cervix shrinking back to it’s pre-pregnancy state.  They were quite different to the miscarriage cramping.

She has told us to wait a cycle before starting to try again to allow my body to right itself.  I need that just as much because of the emotional healing as for the physical.  But I will get there – in time.  And she suggested we leave it for a few months before going back to the IVF program.  Besides we might just get pregnant on our own again!

The Follow Up

We went back to the hospital yesterday for an ultra sound and another blood test.  Both confirmed the miscarriage.  The positive side is that there are no complications.  My ovaries and uterus look healthy. There is no ectopic pregnancy and no need for a clean out.  So that’s it.  It’s done.  And we start again.

It will probably take a few weeks for my body to get back to normal.  But hopefully I will return to ovulating next cycle. D pointed out the fact that for so long I didn’t feel that I had been ovulating.  And then I had two cycles we I finally felt that I had.  And on that second cycle we got pregnant!  So that is also a positive.  As long as I ovulate, we can conceive.

I told Queen Naturo yesterday and after talking about how devastated she is for us, she told us what we had heard several times at the hospital.  That it is quite common for a first pregnancy to end in miscarriage.  And then people can go on to have an easy pregnancy the second time around.  It’s as though the body has to be reminded of what to do!  I have had several stories since of people having that experience.  So another hopeful way of looking at things.  My 42 year old body has had a reminder of how to be pregnant!

Things in my body are gradually returning to normal.  With each new thing I notice, I feel a deep sense of sadness.  I so enjoyed all the signs of pregnancy.  It’s going to take a little while for me to recover.  It doesn’t matter how much how look at the positive side, I still have a grieving and healing process to go through.

Yesterday, the anger hit.  It was from the moment my eyes opened in the morning.  It didn’t last too long and I alternated between anger and sadness and a feeling of deep emptiness.  The anger seems to have disappeared now.  Now I alternate between normality and sadness.  It is good to have normality appear in the scheme of things!  A step forward.

Questioning

What I’m struggling with most is the fact that I so strongly felt that our pregnancy was God given.  I felt to the core of my soul that we had been given the conception and I was so confident that things would work out.  I didn’t expect it to be free and easy, but I was without doubt that God would see us through the pregnancy, particularly the first trimester.

Now, I’m left wondering.  What is it all about?

Is this first step of a journey we are being taken on?
Was the pregnancy God given?  If so, why a miscarriage?
Or is it just life?  Bad luck?

Deep down inside I still believe it is part of my/our journey.  But I still find myself questioning.  I don’t feel anger.   I feel deep disappointment and bafflement.  And a little numbness.  I feel anxiety about whether we will conceive again.  And anxiety that if we do, what will happen?  Will I have to go through this again.  Certainly, there will much more anxiety in the first trimester now.

Yet once again, I just need to hand it over to God and let go.  There has got to be something good come out of this.  If nothing else, my eating habits took an instant turn for the better when we found out.  I hope that can continue.

Miscarriage

I had a miscarriage yesterday.  I don't need to go into how sad we are or what we went through at the hospital and at home.  I'm sure you all know yourselves or at least, can imagine.

What I want to focus on instead, is the positive side of things that we are aware of, even though that awareness may be a little in the distance at the moment.

The doctor gave us the first one.  She said that while it is terrible that we have miscarried, the fact is that we now know that we CAN get pregnant naturally.  We know we can achieve it.  We have a ray of hope.  And when my body has recovered, we will try again.

We will be able to finish more of the painting in the house.   We have been renovating for the last few months.  And hadn't finished painting yet.  D was going to have to do it on his own, once the new kitchen had gone in.  But now we can finish it together over the next few weeks.

We are very grateful that we hadn't gone away for the long weekend.  We had intended going to our property in the middle of nowhere but decided not to.  So grateful that we didn't.  It would have been a disaster being there considering what happened.

The staff at the hospital were wonderful.  When we arrived at emergency, we were put to the top of the list and given a short-term stay room.  And the care and treatment we received was fantastic.  Thank you to the hospital staff.

I go back to the hospital tomorrow for a scan and some more tests to try and determine what went wrong and to ensure that there isn't an ectopic pregnancy.  But going on my pregnancy hormones from the blood test it looks unlikely.  It seems that, for whatever reason, the pregnancy just wasn't destined to be. 

Today we have had to make a phone calls to our parents and the two close friends we told we were pregnant.  But for the most part, we are resting, taking it easy and healing.

First baby appointment

We had our first baby appointment today – with my GP.  She gave us the run down of our options, share care between her and the OB, full care with the OB at the private hospital, or the public system.  We are choosing (with her recommendation) to go full care with the OB, purely because of my age and weight.  I will be considered to be a high risk pregnancy and we want to ensure the best care every step of the way.  It will cost us more, but we don’t care!!!  She also said that if I am classified as high risk, which is probable, I wouldn’t be allowed to do share care with her anyway. 

So, we will see her next week for the ultra sound results and then it will be off to the private hospital to meet our new OB.  We can still see her (the GP) in between appointments if we have any niggling concerns about how I am feeling.  It is wonderful to know that she will be there for us if needed. 

So, on Tuesday we will have our first ultra sound, to determine the age of the baby, hear the heartbeat and anything other things that needed to be observed.  She wasn’t able to give us a due date because my cycles are longer and irregular.  So, she said wait until I am well and truly definitely 6 weeks and then the ultra sound will tell us the age of our baby!!  We are SO excited.  I can’t wait – especially for the heartbeat!!

There were cautions as well of course.  The need for testing for chromosone defects, the options we have with that and the risks involved.  That was all quite scary.  But overall, I came out of that appointment feeling great.

She confirmed that the abdomen pains I have been feeling are completely normal.  Yeh!  And answered a lot of other questions that we had.

What a different experience than seeing the OB a few weeks ago about starting IVF. I labelled him the Doom and Gloom man, because he threw at us so many negative statistics about getting pregnant at my age.  We walked out of there so disheartened and concerned.

Needless to say, he won’t be our OB!!

In contrast, my doctor quoted one of the same statistics but put it in a completely positive light.  She said that there might be 1 in 70 of having a down syndrome child.  But that meant there was 69 in 70 chance that we won’t!!  A much better way of looking at it!!

So, the ball is rolling and we are moving along.  **Sigh**  It is so exciting!!

Through the grace of God

Over the last two years, Dave and I have done so many tests to check for fertility and pregnancy (not to mention the gazillion other tests for fertility!). Saliva tests, Urine tests and Basal Body Temperature to check for ovulation. Urine tests to check for pregnancy. Not once have we ever got a positive result on anything. Not for ovulation or for pregnancy.

So, when I walked out of the toilet with the positive pregnancy test on Wednesday night, it put us both in a complete state of shock!

Oh my! Wow!

And I know with all my heart and soul, that we are pregnant through the grace of God. A few months ago, I surrendered the whole journey to God. I said to God that we had tried everything to conceive, we had been pro-active to the enth degree, with no result. I handed it over to God, saying that there was nothing more I can do, that I was helpless and I placed it all into Gods hands. I surrendered and I let go.

Two months later, we are pregnant.

I haven’t stopped thanking God since. Every day, I give thanks. I am so grateful to have been graced with this baby. I feel honoured that we have conceived and that a soul out there in the beyond has chosen us to be its parents.

I will never stop being thankful.

Now, as we journey through this first trimester, I am still placing the journey in God’s hands. I hand over to Him, the health and well-being of our child. I hand over to Him my fears and insecurities. Thy will be done. And in return, I focus on feeling taken care of, at ease and peaceful.

I breathe out a deep sigh.

Aaahhh...

My Pregnancy Journal

D and I hit the bookstores last weekend and bought three books on pregnancy. 

• Your Pregnancy Bible by Dr. Ann Deans
• Up The Duff by Kaz Cooke (D’s choice.  As well as being really informative, it is written in such a humorous way that totally appeals to him)
• My Pregnancy Planner by Dr. Miriam Stoppard

It is the last one that I am going to focus on in this blog.  The Pregnancy Planner is an informative book that encourages journalling the journey.  So what a better place to talk about the journey than here, in my blog!

First changes I noticed (in the first week after discovery):

• Sharp pains in lower abdomen both sides – feels muscular
• Dull pain on side of abdomen, mostly on the right side. Feels like either a cramp or stitch.
• Neither pains last for very long and are not severe.
• Really sore breasts for about a week.
• Bloated belly from time to time. Feels distended.
• Gas! Quite painful at times. And burping! Especially after eating.
• I can’t eat my usual serving sizes. I’m needing to eat smaller amounts at mealtimes. And I’m snacking more often. Really hungry!!!
• So far, only one difficult emotion. I woke up really sad and then kept changing from that emotion to wanting to hit something. I felt very volatile! But it didn’t last for very long.
• Really tired. Heavy legs.
• Having to pee more often! Which is in part a result of drinking more water. But last night, I had a bad night and had to get up to the toilet about 6 times! 3x in the first 30 minutes!

Changes in my lifestyle

• Immediately after finding out we were pregnant, I began eating so much more healthily. It’s fantastic. No empty calories at all! And no bad eating thoughts. No compulsions. And always and easily stopping when I’ve had enough. I love this change! Only good things for bubby!
• Being very conscious of exercise. I am watching my heart rate and not letting it get too high or letting myself get to the point of heavy breathing and not being able to talk. I am learning to slow down and not pushing myself as I normally would. I have also cut out two of the Curves machines at my gym workout. And I am walking slower up the hills that I usually like to power up. I know I must keep my body temperature from getting too high, especially at this stage (first trimester)
• Cutting out certain foods. I was most disappointed to find out I couldn’t eat hot chicken from the local store. It is a mainstay of my diet. And tuna only once a week – oh dear. They I what I live on with my salads and snacks! Replaced now with boiled egg and hard cheese so far. Trying to eat more calcium and green leafy vegetables.

Thoughts and feelings

• I am so excited, we are so excited. Everything is changing. Finally we got the result we have been waiting over two years for.
• I’m also a little scared. Scared of getting safely through the first trimester. And I’m keeping my fingers crossed for the health of our child.
• I am looking forward to all the experiences that are going to come with pregnancy. Yes, even morning sickness. Because it means I am pregnant!! I am excited for every little step of the way. Although, I must admit, I wasn’t too happy about the challenging emotion I had yesterday morning. Difficult emotions are always tough!
• Any wedding planning is going to be put on hold now. Not that we had really started!! We have been too busy putting our time and money into renovating our home. And I don’t want the stress of planning a wedding whilst pregnant. My goal for this pregnancy is to be stress-free, calm and happy. There is part of me that would really like us to be married when we have our child. But the other part of me knows it makes no difference to our relationship. We are fully committed to each other without needing to make it legal. Wedding planning can come later. Despite the subtle and not-so-subtle words from our parents. Subtle on my side, not-so-subtle on D’s side!
• Lots of thoughts about what will happen with work. But leaving any decisions until after the first trimester.
• I love D SO much and am so excited to be having a child with him. Grinning from ear to ear!! It was so amazing to find out we were pregnant on the night of our 3 year anniversary. And so incredible that we’d had a wonderful breakthrough in a challenging aspect of our relationship just three days beforehand. We are in such a good place. It is all meant to be. Perfect timing!

It’s Positive!!!!

After two years and two months, we are finally pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woooohoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

And would you believe it?  We probably conceived the day or two before we had our first appointment with the new OB to look at starting IVF.  Incredible!  We were already pregnant when we were talking to him about our options!  D can’t wait to see him next appointment and tell him that we don’t need him for IVF anymore!

It’s a wonderful story about how we found out.

It was our 3 year anniversary and we had booked a dinner at a wonderful restaurant.  I hadn’t been drinking since my last ovulation.  I was late for my period.  And I wanted to do a pregnancy test to see where we were at and whether I could have a drink at our special occasion.

I went to the toilet, expecting the usual result.  D said I took forever to come out and he was starting to wonder what was going on.  He was expecting the usual result as well and was just getting ready to go out.  But when I took a while he came up to the toilet and waited around the corner.

I came out looking at the test with a confused dumbfounded look on my face and staring intently at the result.  He gave me such a fright because he was hiding around the corner! 

I took another look at the test and then passed it to him silently with a shocked look on my face.  He took the test along with the instructions and stood there comparing the two.  And then looked up at me with the same shock! 

Oh my God!!  We are pregnant!  And it hit home.  We are pregnant!!!!!  It’s positive!!!!

WOWOWOWOWOW

Needless to say, I did not have anything to drink at dinner.  Nor could we both stop smiling!

What a wonderful anniversary present!  We couldn’t have asked for a better time to have found out.  Just as we were going out to celebrate our time together.

I did another test the next morning.  It was still positive!

Then went to the doctor.

That test was inconclusive.  OH NO!   But she sent me off for a blood test.  And the next day those results came in positive as well.  It was a terrible waiting time though!  And a scary phone call to make.  I had to check with her three times that she said the test result was positive.

So the new journey begins.  We are so excited.  We are aware of the need to get safely through the first trimester and what we need to do and not do.  But any concerns are mostly over taken by the pure excitement and joy we feel.

After 26 months, we are growing our baby!!!!

Back once more.

[I’ve put this post on both my blogs, with just a different last paragraph for each!]

An email from Flower Power Mom, sent me to my blog again today after two months of quiet.  And of course, the timing is interesting.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my hobbies and interests and how I am missing them.  I know this is related a lot to my journey through Marianne Williamson’s book “A Course in Weight Loss”.  There has been a small but noticeable shift away from addictive routines and rituals and this has left me with a bit more time to think about the things I love doing in my life.

Lately, life has just been about surviving.  Getting through the day and then having the necessary time that I have needed lately just to do nothing, to have down time, to eat.  But the last few days I have been feeling unfulfilled and, lets face it, plain boring, by not indulging in all the things I love – bushwalking, photography and blogging – to name the main ones. 

And, aside from my addictive routines, I’ve been wondering how much of this is related to being in a relationship compared to being single.  I seemed to have much more time and headspace to indulge in my interests when I was single.  Not that I would ever want to go back there, not at all.  D is the best thing in my life and I never want to lose what we have together.  I just need to also find the headspace for the other things in my life that make me who I am, as well as having the time that I love for our relationship.

The funny thing is that, aside from blogging, my other two interests are also D’s interests.  Two of the first things that drew us together!  So, why aren’t we continuing to indulge in these loves together?

I know a lot of it, for both of us, is time and the demands of work, particularly for D.  And for me, it is also the desire to simply be with him.  For example, I no longer go walking early in the morning, because I love cuddling up in bed for a while and then eating breakfast together before D rushes off early in the morning for work.  And by then, I need to be getting ready and heading off as well.  And for the last few months, my own addictive problems have prevented me from being able to exercise after work.

A couple of times over the last week, we have gone out for a walk together early in the morning, but it is tough to do that.  We have to wake up extra early.  So, want I need, is to find that place within me again that motivates me to go to the gym on my way home.  Somewhere in me is the old energy that wants to get out and go places and do things – that wants to blog and connect with others over the net – that wants to take beautiful photographs.

At least I am blogging today!

On the plus side, D and I have filled our weekends the last few weeks with renovating our home.  We are painting, building walls, sanding, planning, shopping, looking at home ideas shops and magazines.  It is so very rewarding.  We have redesigned the layout of our home and are getting a new and bigger kitchen.  We are also getting some new furniture and completely new flooring (carpets and wood floors) throughout the whole house.  We have been planning it all for over a year and it is wonderful now to be putting it into action.

Obviously this takes away from some of the time I would usually use for walking and photography, but the renovating has only been the last few weeks, and doesn’t count for the last year or so!

So, here I am, developing new rituals and routines that no longer revolve around eating and I am deeply feeling the things that are missing in my life.  I do feel a sense that they are on their way to returning and I am looking forward to that.

Perhaps that means blogging more regularly.  Hopefully it also means walking through the sand dunes, the nearby conservation park, and the “millions” of stairs that go up and down the coastline.  And taking my camera for it all!

On the fertility side – we have made an appointment with our self-appointed GYN for May (which was the earliest appointment we can get).  I feel a sense of commitment towards that process beginning to grow in me again.  And I think a blog on that particularly issue will be forthcoming!

A beginning

  I made a good start today on the Marianne Williamson book “A Course In Weight Loss”.  I think it will be a good step forward in the right direction for me.

I also downloaded the two radio shows she has done on this so far from Hay House Radio.  I am halfway through the first one.

It is amazing how much she just nails the whole issue.  She really gets it.  And I am going to make a concerted effort to go deep into the process that she takes her readers.

As such, I think it is a topic more suited to my Creating Peaceful Thoughts blog.  That is exactly what it is about – changing my mindset.  So while any progress ont his will hopefully help us conceive, any further entries on this issue I will do over there.

Love and light to you all.

NM over40 (to be!)

xx

Struggling.

It’s time I made an appointment with the private fertility clinic.  But as much as I want a child, I really don’t know that I go through the process of IVF.  For so many reasons as those of you who have gone through it will attest to.  I’m avoiding making the appointment in the hope that this month will be the month.  This time we will conceive.

We are making a more concerted effort again this time around.  But I’m not living up to my end of the bargain.  I’m struggling to exercise and eat well and no matter how I try, my emotions and mind state just won’t let it happen.

And I dread going to a new OB only to have him tell me I have to lose weight.  It’s not like I haven’t wanted to for the last 20 years of my life.  And the last 2 years, in particular, with the thought of conceiving in my head.  It still hasn’t happened on any permanent level.  I don’t want this issue to forestall the treatments that are available to anybody else.  I dread the appointment so much.

I must admit to being in constant state of tears this afternoon.  Any little thing is setting me off.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  How can I get passed this?

I just remembered – I bought Marianne Williamson’s new book “A Course in Weight Loss” a few days ago.  I’m going to go away now and see if that helps at all.  I’m not holding my breath.  But I am desperate.  And if this book can reconnect me with my spirituality as well, then I will be truly blessed.

A Four Month Update.

It’s been 4 months nearly since my last post.  Hard to believe.  An update has been in order for a long time.  My desire to document our journey so that our children can read about it one day, if they wish, is still there. 

But our lack of success and our need to take a break from it all, saw me steer clear of all blogging of any kind.

Now, due to the summer break and some thoughtful emails and comments from some blogger friends, I find myself back here.  Thank you.

There isn’t a lot to report. 

Upon mutual agreement we stopped seeing Queen Naturo and King Acupunc for fertility treatments.  They, and we, felt that what could be done by them, had be done and I was so ready to stop for a while.  Therefore the next step is IVF.

I have a second naturopath I see from time to time who has helped with my hormones greatly over the years.  I went to see her first before deciding to see QN and KA.  So, I went back to her just because I had to try.  I don’t have my hopes up at all and its been nearly three months now.  So, this is telling time.  They always say it takes around three months for the herbs to really make visible changes.  I’m hopeful.  But I’m not holding my breath.

We are both really disappointed that the very thing that brought us together, helps up in so many other ways and that we both believe in wholeheartedly has not helped us to become pregnant.

I finally told my Mum.  She was good about it and while she would prefer that we were married first, she understands our decisions and supports us.  And is actually a bit excited for me, as it turns out!  The most significant discovery however, was that her and Dad went through the same thing, with the same problems. 
Obviously, I always knew that there are many years between my two older brothers and myself and many years between them, but I didn’t give it a lot of thought. 
Mum and Dad went through the same procedures D and I are.  The tests, the questions, all of it – with the same result.  Unexplained infertility.
Which most likely puts it on my side!  And I wonder if Mum had the same problem as I seem to have with a lack of ovulation…

The last three cycles, I have tested for ovulation in THREE ways – basal, saliva and urine testing.  There has been no sign of ovulation with any of them.  You would think that if I was ovulating, ONE of them would indicate it.  I really wish the fertility clinic had just given me the clomid and been done with it.  But they wouldn’t because the blood tests indicated that I was ovulating.

However, our waiting period for the private hospital cover has completed now and we are able to go through the private system picking out our own OB.  We have a name a friend and nurse recommended, and when the time is right, this is the way we will have to go.

However, my mother is still in hospital after having surgery for bowel cancer.  She went in the week before Christmas and hasn’t been able to come home.  While the surgery went well and they believe they have gotten all of the cancer, there have been post-operative complications.  Physically, she is recovering very well.

But she has had a reaction to either anaesthesia or the medication she was given and is suffering from confusion and delusions.  It has been a very traumatic time for her, and for us, and we don’t know how long it will last.  As a result of this, she is also unable to handle the stoma she needed to have in order to allow her bowel to rest and heal. 
Dad doesn’t cope without her. They are both 80 years old.  He suffers from depression and, on one hand is handling it well, and on another hand is a mess.

So, there is no way that I can possibly face going through IVF until my parents are well.  It is hard enough being on holidays and dealing with it all, let alone back at work, supporting my parents and handling IVF treatments.

So, everything is hold for now.