Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Cloud

Today all rational and clear thinking has evaporated and I have awoken in a cloud of depression.  It probably hasn’t helped that I haven’t eaten well the last couple of days, but that is all a part of the way I’ve unconsciously always handled sadness.  Unfortunately, it also creates a vicious cycle. 

I don’t think today will be a day to try and face that as well though.  D has to work today.  A unrealistic customer means he has to work throughout the weekend to meet this customers demands.  Which means I am on my own today (Saturday), which is probably not a good thing. Because now I can just curl up in a ball and be consumed by todays depression.  D can so often bring laughter back into my spirit. 

I’ve been bleeding for nearly a week now.  And it could go on for another week yet.  Natural miscarriage always last longer than having a d+c.  But I’m glad that I’ve been able to stay away from a curette. But whatever way, it all sucks.  Big time.

I called the doctor today to find out the results of yesterdays blood tests. My HCG levels are down to 17 - from 74 on Tuesday and 310 on Sunday.  So, there is no need to get another test.  The trend is clear.  Pre-pregnancy numbers are back.

Right now I don’t feel that I can cope with anything.  I have to work again next week and I just don’t see how I can do it.  But I have no choice.  I have to.  I must get back to eating well.  I know that will help.  And that was meant to be one of the good things to come out of being pregnant – healthy eating.  But it hasn’t lasted through these emotions.

I will be glad to move pass this part of the recovery process.


  1. I just think you cannot have big expectations for yourself at the moment. You need to feel what you feel,even when you just want it all to go away. After my last miscarriage I bled a lot and for a long time. I was too tired to cook and even the thought of food made me feel sick. I did however make sure I took a good multi vitamin and Iron supplement, I also ate a lot of soup. Keeping you in my prayers.

  2. Thanks for the advice Bonnie. I had forgotten all about the vitamins the last couple of days. I took them straight away after reading your comment!

  3. I agree with Bonnie about letting your feelings happen.

    Even though you were so early in the pregnancy, still...your grief is real and understandable.

  4. Thanks Anita. I so appreciate your support. xx