The thing with an early miscarriage is that you don’t get a chance to connect with your child. A pregnancy that just never took, means that there was never a heartbeat, there was never a chance to feel your child, to really know that he/she was there. You go through the early pregnancy symptoms - sore breasts, abdomen pains as ligaments start to stretch – but you never get to the morning sickness because your HCG levels never got high enough. The pregnancy failed long before it ever really got started.
When you find out you are pregnant, you get so excited at the prospects that are ahead of you and you start to plan. But you never actually get to the stage of putting any plans into action, because it ended all too soon.
And you realise that you never actually got your child. The fertilised egg that you made didn’t go anywhere. Your HCG levels never even got into the thousands. There was no chance. And you realise that you aren’t actually feeling the loss of a child, but the loss of the potential of a child for which you have longed for so long.
And then you become scared that you won’t be able to get pregnant again. And that if you do, you won’t be able to hold on to the next egg either and you will have to go through this all over again. Or that maybe you will get further, maybe you will get to hear a heartbeat only to have to go through even greater grief of losing the growing child that you did begin to connect with.
So where does that leave me?
It leaves me with the only thing I can do. To once again hand it over to God. To accept that I cannot possibly understand the spiritual plan of my life. To accept that there are never any answers. To simply believe. To be patient. To trust that what is meant to happen in my life is happening and we are exactly where we need to be right now. And to continue to slowly heal.
All those words seem like what I said...every lost child is a lost potential...I think that is what we moms mourn the most.
ReplyDeleteI love the last part of this post really, I cannot hold back the tears.
How is D taking it right now? You're in my thoughts...you're in my prayers.
Annie,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for you and your husband's loss and encouraged by your words:
"..to once again hand it over to God. To accept that I cannot possibly understand the spiritual plan of my life."
Hugs,
Cynthia
I've had fear of the unknown, too; about a few things in life over which there is no control.
ReplyDeleteInterestingly, I feared that I would not have a second child because I did not get pregnant right away. My first child was only a year old.
Hindsight tells me how unnecessary those feelings were. I had no issues; only that I was still breastfeeding. Yet, my mind kept telling me that I should get pregnant because the first one was so easily conceived.
I guess I'm trying to relate to how we naturally lose control of our thoughts. Perhaps it has some purpose.
Hi Salma - D has been wonderful. Mostly, he has been concerned about me. But thankfully, he has taken the time to deal with own sadness and we have dealt with this together. I am so grateful for our relationship and that we have been able to support each other so well.
ReplyDeleteCynthia - It's the only thing to do isn't it? Thank you for your support.
Hi Anita - I'm sure it all has it's purpose. I hope that things turn out well and that I can have that hindsight!!
Love and light to all,
xx