The thing with an early miscarriage is that you don’t get a chance to connect with your child. A pregnancy that just never took, means that there was never a heartbeat, there was never a chance to feel your child, to really know that he/she was there. You go through the early pregnancy symptoms - sore breasts, abdomen pains as ligaments start to stretch – but you never get to the morning sickness because your HCG levels never got high enough. The pregnancy failed long before it ever really got started.
When you find out you are pregnant, you get so excited at the prospects that are ahead of you and you start to plan. But you never actually get to the stage of putting any plans into action, because it ended all too soon.
And you realise that you never actually got your child. The fertilised egg that you made didn’t go anywhere. Your HCG levels never even got into the thousands. There was no chance. And you realise that you aren’t actually feeling the loss of a child, but the loss of the potential of a child for which you have longed for so long.
And then you become scared that you won’t be able to get pregnant again. And that if you do, you won’t be able to hold on to the next egg either and you will have to go through this all over again. Or that maybe you will get further, maybe you will get to hear a heartbeat only to have to go through even greater grief of losing the growing child that you did begin to connect with.
So where does that leave me?
It leaves me with the only thing I can do. To once again hand it over to God. To accept that I cannot possibly understand the spiritual plan of my life. To accept that there are never any answers. To simply believe. To be patient. To trust that what is meant to happen in my life is happening and we are exactly where we need to be right now. And to continue to slowly heal.