Thursday, July 14, 2011


Today is the first day of my holidays.  I still have the accounting to do, but there is no more music camp or music course and no more school for 10 days.  The last week and a half were a real push.  I was pushing every second to get out of the house and then get through the day.  I am so grateful to be free for a little while.

The last two days of camp were good.  I enjoyed them and I felt my mood lift.  Then I realised that during that time I was starting to feel the pregnancy symptoms that I had before.  Lower abdomen cramping and sneezing.  And I started to think that I may be pregnant again.  Could that have explained my change in mood?

Then I learnt that it isn’t until after implantation that hcg levels begin to rise and pregnancy symptoms start appearing.  Today would only be day 6 after conception, if there is a conception, so it is highly unlikely.  But what are these symptoms I am having?

We had not intended to try again until the next cycle, to allow my body to get back to normal.  But for one afternoon, we felt great.  I was happy and relaxed and being together was wonderful.  We didn’t care about contraception. 

A couple of days earlier, I had wondered if I might have ovulated, but I wasn’t sure.  We both thought – what are the chances?  Not very good considering our history.  One in a billion.  Yet, here I am wondering if I’m pregnant, starting to “feel” pregnant (is it just in my head?) and, before a few hours ago, getting very excited.  Just the idea of being pregnant, feeling these symptoms again, such joy.

But now, I am just feeling depressed.  I saw the doctor today for another reason and talked to her about it.  In a week and a half, I will do a test.  At this stage, there would be no hcg levels.  No symptoms.  God, this waiting really sucks.

I was enjoying and looking forward to a few weeks of not worrying about conception.  Having a few drinks, painting the house, eating ham and soft cheese.  All the things I haven’t been doing!  Now, I don’t want to do that, just in case.

Just in case.  Am I destined for more disappointment in two weeks time?  At a time, that I am meant to be free of pregnancy thoughts for a little while.  It wasn’t intentional.  Just one of those things.  And it was a happy thing.  I wouldn’t take it back at all.  I wouldn’t make a different decision about whether or not to use contraception that glorious afternoon.  It was the right thing.

Well at the very least, I guess this is a step away from the miscarriage.  I just hope it is in the right direction.  Whatever way it works, I will always believe it is part of my journey.  Things happen as they are destined to and I’m tired of trying to understand why.  Just accept and hand it over.


  1. While I don't want to get your hopes up too high, I had symptoms that I was pregnant before implantation. In fact, I was waiting for signs of implantation because I was so sure. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

  2. Maybe women who are already mothers have told you this: when trying to have a another baby and having to wait, we feel just as you do. We shouldn't, but we do. I had frustrating feelings too; feeling every little twinge in my body as I longed for my 2nd child, wondering if I had conceived or not.

    Wouldn't it be wild if you have!

    But if you haven't, you will. And when you do, treat yourself to some good food. Babies like the taste of a submarine sandwich once in a while. :)

  3. Same as Marie...Rainbow was conceived after my specialist told me it was possible...she was right.

    Hang in there.

  4. Why can't we let ourselves think this without fearing the disappointment if we are not......sometimes (who am I kidding, ALL THE TIME) I wonder, why can't it be as easy for me as it is for most women.... Doesn't help my sis got pg after 3 months on 1st and was trying NOT to on this 2nd pregnency....why did genetics deal me the bad card....OOOOPPPSSS the miserable ttc'r hijaked ur comments lol. Any way hoping this is ur month :) U need it more than me:)

  5. Hello Annie. Just thinking of you and hoping you're on the road to peace. xoxo

  6. Thank you everyone for your support and good wishes. It is appreciate so very much.