Frustration

Today is the first day of my holidays.  I still have the accounting to do, but there is no more music camp or music course and no more school for 10 days.  The last week and a half were a real push.  I was pushing every second to get out of the house and then get through the day.  I am so grateful to be free for a little while.

The last two days of camp were good.  I enjoyed them and I felt my mood lift.  Then I realised that during that time I was starting to feel the pregnancy symptoms that I had before.  Lower abdomen cramping and sneezing.  And I started to think that I may be pregnant again.  Could that have explained my change in mood?

Then I learnt that it isn’t until after implantation that hcg levels begin to rise and pregnancy symptoms start appearing.  Today would only be day 6 after conception, if there is a conception, so it is highly unlikely.  But what are these symptoms I am having?

We had not intended to try again until the next cycle, to allow my body to get back to normal.  But for one afternoon, we felt great.  I was happy and relaxed and being together was wonderful.  We didn’t care about contraception. 

A couple of days earlier, I had wondered if I might have ovulated, but I wasn’t sure.  We both thought – what are the chances?  Not very good considering our history.  One in a billion.  Yet, here I am wondering if I’m pregnant, starting to “feel” pregnant (is it just in my head?) and, before a few hours ago, getting very excited.  Just the idea of being pregnant, feeling these symptoms again, such joy.

But now, I am just feeling depressed.  I saw the doctor today for another reason and talked to her about it.  In a week and a half, I will do a test.  At this stage, there would be no hcg levels.  No symptoms.  God, this waiting really sucks.

I was enjoying and looking forward to a few weeks of not worrying about conception.  Having a few drinks, painting the house, eating ham and soft cheese.  All the things I haven’t been doing!  Now, I don’t want to do that, just in case.

Just in case.  Am I destined for more disappointment in two weeks time?  At a time, that I am meant to be free of pregnancy thoughts for a little while.  It wasn’t intentional.  Just one of those things.  And it was a happy thing.  I wouldn’t take it back at all.  I wouldn’t make a different decision about whether or not to use contraception that glorious afternoon.  It was the right thing.

Well at the very least, I guess this is a step away from the miscarriage.  I just hope it is in the right direction.  Whatever way it works, I will always believe it is part of my journey.  Things happen as they are destined to and I’m tired of trying to understand why.  Just accept and hand it over.