Today is the first day of my holidays. I still have the accounting to do, but there is no more music camp or music course and no more school for 10 days. The last week and a half were a real push. I was pushing every second to get out of the house and then get through the day. I am so grateful to be free for a little while.
The last two days of camp were good. I enjoyed them and I felt my mood lift. Then I realised that during that time I was starting to feel the pregnancy symptoms that I had before. Lower abdomen cramping and sneezing. And I started to think that I may be pregnant again. Could that have explained my change in mood?
Then I learnt that it isn’t until after implantation that hcg levels begin to rise and pregnancy symptoms start appearing. Today would only be day 6 after conception, if there is a conception, so it is highly unlikely. But what are these symptoms I am having?
We had not intended to try again until the next cycle, to allow my body to get back to normal. But for one afternoon, we felt great. I was happy and relaxed and being together was wonderful. We didn’t care about contraception.
A couple of days earlier, I had wondered if I might have ovulated, but I wasn’t sure. We both thought – what are the chances? Not very good considering our history. One in a billion. Yet, here I am wondering if I’m pregnant, starting to “feel” pregnant (is it just in my head?) and, before a few hours ago, getting very excited. Just the idea of being pregnant, feeling these symptoms again, such joy.
But now, I am just feeling depressed. I saw the doctor today for another reason and talked to her about it. In a week and a half, I will do a test. At this stage, there would be no hcg levels. No symptoms. God, this waiting really sucks.
I was enjoying and looking forward to a few weeks of not worrying about conception. Having a few drinks, painting the house, eating ham and soft cheese. All the things I haven’t been doing! Now, I don’t want to do that, just in case.
Just in case. Am I destined for more disappointment in two weeks time? At a time, that I am meant to be free of pregnancy thoughts for a little while. It wasn’t intentional. Just one of those things. And it was a happy thing. I wouldn’t take it back at all. I wouldn’t make a different decision about whether or not to use contraception that glorious afternoon. It was the right thing.
Well at the very least, I guess this is a step away from the miscarriage. I just hope it is in the right direction. Whatever way it works, I will always believe it is part of my journey. Things happen as they are destined to and I’m tired of trying to understand why. Just accept and hand it over.