Monday, August 15, 2011

The journey through.

Well, we are back in the two week wait once again.  Last cycles thoughts of being pregnant again didn’t come to fruition.  Which in retrospect, was good.  We wanted to wait a cycle just to get things back to normal. 

I’ve been struggling a lot with panic attacks, anxiety and the desire to do anything at all.  The chest pains from the panic attacks have been strong and scary and it has been all I could do just to get through the days.

However, things are starting to pick up again. 

I believe that a lot of the reasons for my anxiety, aside from the obvious – miscarriage, work etc - has been the cycle of unhealthy eating due to stress which causes unhealthy eating with causes stress and on and on.  But my body has finally said “that is enough, take these chest pains to scare you back to eating well and reducing your stress levels.” 

I’ve been through this before – exactly the same thing happened when my body decided it was time I gave up smoking.  Those pains and anxieties (which are the same as now) saw me going to the doctors, specialists and having ECG’s.  Everything was fine.  I know what is happening.

Once again it has worked.  Two weeks ago, through fear, I could only eat the food basics.  Even then, the pains would come back, but each day they were diminishing.  To make matters worse, Dave was away for the week for work, so I was on my own trying to handle it all.  But I got through it – one step closer to being better.

I also made a big decision and resigned from the Flute Society – which was a big volunteering commitment on my part.  In many ways it was an important part of being active in the flute world, almost an obligation.  A thing that if you didn’t do, it put you in the bad books.  But I caught up with the President for coffee and explained to her what was going on and she was most understanding and helpful in making it all happen.  The weight that lifted off my shoulders from doing this was amazingly significant!

Last week,  with my chest pains diminished and less frequent, I introduced exercise again.  I took Maxy on walks at the beautiful Christies Creek Trail, which was wonderful for both of us!

This week, I hope to introduce the stepper again.  Being in the two week wait, I’m not quite game to go back to the gym.  I am concerned that starting up there again in the first weeks of pregnancy would not be good.  I know the equipment to avoid now, but still…  I’ll start there again if we aren’t successful this time around.

The problem post miscarriage is that you start looking back.  Even though you know it was nothing that you did, you start analysing.  Maybe it was the machines at the gym, maybe it was yoga classes, maybe it was the massage I had before I knew I was pregnant, maybe it was…  And so it goes on.  It was probably none of them.  It was nature.  But nevertheless, I can’t bring myself to go back to the gym during the two week wait.

So, after two weeks of gradually getting back on track, I am feeling much better.  It doesn’t take much for the chest pains to emerge again, but they are manageable and I am sleeping well.  I am still struggling somewhat with the daily grind, but I am back to enjoying pottering around the house and doing all the domestic chores.  And I feel such a sense of relief and letting go of the Flute Society.  Things are progressing.

Dave doesn’t understand my chest pains and anxiety, just like he doesn’t understand my eating disorder.  And I can’t seem to successfully explain it to him. I think it’s one of the those things that if you haven’t experienced it, you can’t understand it.  But that’s ok. Even though we can’t connect and talk about it the way I can with someone who has been through it, he is still supporting me just by being there and loving me.  I absolutely would not be surviving this without him.  He is my rock, my comforter, my strength, my shoulder to lean on (literally and figuratively!), my constant, my love.  “I love him to the core of my soul.”


  1. I am happy to see you back Annie.

    I understand the mechanics of the mind in times of grief, yes, you will look back (I still do almost every day).

    I hope it helps that you write it down here or wherever it makes sense to you.

    What you said about D, how amazing is that? This is why you are perfeect for each other. He doesn't have to be there, to be understanding of you.

    Hold on to that love and is one of the best things you can find in life.


  2. Hi Annie,
    great to hear u are feeling better :) Early loss is a tough one. Ppl tend to dismiss it cos it was early, and don't understand what it is like for TTC who let their guard down, start thinking of years down the line, and then Puff.... U are told u are no longer Pregnent. I don't think we will ever stop thinking of the possibilities. And it is nothing you did. Only last week, I was tlkn about it to my friend, and she said ''look there are Heroin addicts that shoot up while pregnant and still in on to deliver babies''. Yes that one shoots from the hip alright. I know you here this a lot, and you might not listen to me, cos I know I didn't, but just let it go (re TTC). Relax. I HAD ALL BUT GIVEN UP THE THOUGHT OF HAVING KIDS, then a blood test at docs(3rd opinion) has thrown a new light onto my situation. I was told last year I had Pcos, and wud not concieve without fertility treatment.... Well 3rd doc thinks it is more Hypothyroidism, and Pcos is not affecting me. That is good news to me, means I have a chance en sha Allah. Waiting on more tests:) But you see stress wud affect my thyroid...... So it puts things into perspective. (Btw I know Salma is going to give out cos I have yet to update her hehehe email is coming sis:) ) best wishes Khedegah

  3. Hello Annie. I thought about writing directly to your email address, but decided to write here, even though what I will say is personal and opinionated.

    I have a health issue that is not life threatening, but could be if it gets out of hand. It stressed me so much when I learned of it and I did everything I could to get rid of it; thought I could change a few habits and it would fix itself. It didn't.

    A good friend told me, "Just take the damn pill that the doctor recommends so you won't be stressed out." I held off for a few months and then finally gave it. My problem is now fixed.

    I can't help but wonder if it is time for fertility treatments. I hate that you are going through so many emotional issues that are causing mental and physical discomfort. I really want you to marry and have your baby and get on with the business of being a wife and mom! :)

    Join the rest of us who are pulling out our hair! lol

    Ultimately, all decisions are yours, and I respect the choices you make. No one walks in your shoes.


  4. Thats such a great attitude you have to your news Khedegah. I hope the test results are good and that action can be put into place that will hurry the process along!
    Thank you so much for your support.

    Thanks Salma! I intend to hold onto it with both hands and heart!! :):):)