Struggling.

It’s time I made an appointment with the private fertility clinic.  But as much as I want a child, I really don’t know that I go through the process of IVF.  For so many reasons as those of you who have gone through it will attest to.  I’m avoiding making the appointment in the hope that this month will be the month.  This time we will conceive.

We are making a more concerted effort again this time around.  But I’m not living up to my end of the bargain.  I’m struggling to exercise and eat well and no matter how I try, my emotions and mind state just won’t let it happen.

And I dread going to a new OB only to have him tell me I have to lose weight.  It’s not like I haven’t wanted to for the last 20 years of my life.  And the last 2 years, in particular, with the thought of conceiving in my head.  It still hasn’t happened on any permanent level.  I don’t want this issue to forestall the treatments that are available to anybody else.  I dread the appointment so much.

I must admit to being in constant state of tears this afternoon.  Any little thing is setting me off.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  How can I get passed this?

I just remembered – I bought Marianne Williamson’s new book “A Course in Weight Loss” a few days ago.  I’m going to go away now and see if that helps at all.  I’m not holding my breath.  But I am desperate.  And if this book can reconnect me with my spirituality as well, then I will be truly blessed.