Wednesday, June 29, 2011

A rough road

This last week has been a whirl of panic attacks, anxiety and depression.  I keep looking for a way out but just can’t find the path.  I think there is a large part of my unconscious mind that just doesn’t want to.  When I see a ray of light and possibility, my mind shuts down to it, it doesn’t want to hear it.  However do I deal with that?

I’m in a destructive whirl from which I can’t break free.  Why do I make the choices that I make?  Why do I live from a state of unconsciousness?  I feel like I have no control over my life.  aahh.  click.  That’s because I am meant to be handing over control.  And I need to do this daily.

What I need to do is so simple. 

  • Make healthy food choices
  • Exercise
  • Do a daily devotion to God.

So simple, yet so beyond me.  It makes no sense.

I went to Queen Naturo last week to get some herbal assistance.  I have something for relieve anxiety and to uplift my mood.  She provided me with some wonderful motivational thoughts that lasted for all of about a day and a half.   I can’t live like this.

I have so many work commitments for the next three weeks that are taking over my thoughts and not giving me any time to change my behaviours.  I only took one day off from work after the miscarriage, because I just can’t take more time.  I get one weeks holiday in three weeks.  But I don’t want to have to wait until then to achieve anything.  I need relief now.

I have the day off today with a concert tonight.  But today has seen me go more in a whirl than ever.  A whirl of my destructive behaviours, rather than taking on the things that will help me.  I don’t understand this.

Dave has been waking up very early lately, that probably hasn’t helped.  I need to sleep longer than 5.30 am.  We are also still in the middle of chaos with our house renovations.

Okay, so what to do?  What to do? 

One step at a time.  One step at a time.  And hand it over to God.


  1. My dear, how often you are in my prayers. I wish I could offer you some comfort and guidance but I know from my own experience that it really only comes with time. However small things help, taking a walk each day however short and eating foods which will nourish both your body and soul and writing it down in a journa. For me starting to run literally saved me although for you it may be something very different. Just keep talking to people who have been through what you have and can let you know there is hope and light at the end of this tunnel.

  2. Annie, you are so loved right now. Know that this, too, shall pass. You will find your way and you will have peace.

  3. One step at a time, it's as fast as you or anyone else can go.
    I am always thinking about you. I wanted to see where you were at, but thought you were taking a breather.

    The other things that are taking time and space are chaotic, I am sure. Sleep? Much needed. I am not sure how to advise, but as you said, one step at a time.

    Hand it over to God.