This loss was so much harder for so many reasons. Two in a row. And also this one went for longer and started with a little bit of hope.
My hormone levels were monitored right from the moment I knew that I had implanted. The first two tests gave us some hope. But more importantly this pregnancy FELT different. I felt as though I had a little life growing in me, I felt a connection, a prescence. It might sound strange and I don't know what other women have experienced in that regard. But I felt something completely different to the other two times.
So when we got the third blood test that showed that things were progressing as they should, we were so disappointed. For another three weeks I was monitored. The pregnancy kept hobbling along with no real progress, but my hcg levels kept rising just a little bit every time. However, instead of doubling every 2 days, I would only go up my 20. By the end of those three weeks, instead of being in the thousands, I was at 180.
And then I started bleeding. And I shut down. Even now, I am still struggling, but I'm better. I lost any interest in anything. I stayed home, didn't do anything, watched TV. Every now and then something would grab my attention and I would be so glad to do it. But for the most part, there was nothing. Not even any tears. Just nothing.
I was grateful to be on school holidays and I didn't judge myself for my behaviour. I just let it all happen and allowed myself to respond in whatever way I needed.
I bled for a week, then a week later I started bleeding again. It was old blood that still needed to remove itself. It was unpleasant. And has nearly lasted for a week so far.
This loss has hit me hard. I finally cried about it a few days ago. Even now, writing this, the tears are welling up. We were so desperate to start an IVF round in November last year. To grab those eggs of mine before they got any older. To be assured of getting a good embryo to transfer. Now, two natural invalid pregnancies later, we are still waiting and my eggs are getting older.
So this cycle, there will no unprotected sex!! It helps that Dave is away for most of the month with work! And we will try for our fourth ICSI round next cycle.
I have had copious amounts of blood taken and am being tested for all sorts of things, including the antiobodies that can cause miscarriage. So far all the tests have come back healthy, but the antibodies test takes longer to come in. It could be a few more weeks yet before we now that one.
The positive thing in all of this, is that my body is trying to get pregnant. We went three and a half years with only one pregnancy in that time and now... two cycles in a row, I have conceived. Something has changed.
- I think a lot of it has to do with having the polyp removed from my uterine wall last round.
- It is also the prayers that were being said for an entire month by the monks in Japan which my beautiful friend organised for me on her holidays.
- It could be the kinesiology sessions I have been having and the counselling sessions that are matching up with the kinesiology in a way that is just a little freaky.
- I also like to think it's because we are married now.
Whatever the reason, it has given us, and even my doctor, a little more hope that if we can just find the right embryo, things will turn out well.