There is a lot to put down into words from the last 24 hours. Perhaps a couple of posts would the best way to do it.
Last night saw me have a bit of a meltdown.
All of the following things listed – mentally, I know are just fine. They are all the things of which I have complete mental clarity, understanding and acceptance. None of them are a problem and they all have either my desire to be doing it or my complete support.
Yet, my emotions have taken me a different way. The rolled out in this order:
- The winding down and shifting energy after family left from two week Christmas/NY visit,
- Working out together, that the week D needs to go out of town for work is my ovulation week,
- the results of yet another test,
- the build up of 7 months of taking pills, having tests, getting results, tracking cycles and ovulations (or the lack thereof), going to the fertility clinic, naturopath and weekly acupuncture appointments,
- not being able to lose weight and continuing to really struggle with healthy eating patterns (my lifelong challenge which only adds stress to my desire to conceive)
The consequence of this was a complete switch in my emotions and hormones – chemical changes fluctuating wildly! And my mental clarity and understanding having absolutely no say in the matter.
D saw something was wrong “Whats wrong, Bloss. Talk to me”.
”I don’t know” I said, “Maybe it is winding down after having family here, maybe I’m sick of trying to conceive”
And on that, I burst into tears. Ah, that is what it is. Now I knew.
This morning I stayed in bed and continued to sleep until midday. That in itself says a hell of a lot as I can never sleep during the day unless I am sick. I got up only when I realised that my other naturopath might have my happy pills that I haven’t had for a few weeks. She did and I went to get them. A little naturally healthy kick of the chemicals that help mood is in order.
She also had another tab that will help with my last test results. So I came home and worked out how many mg and mcg I needed of B12, B6, Folic Acid and Zinc and worked out what I needed to take in order to achieve that. I will check it all with Queen Naturo when she returns from holidays.
Being pro-active with this has definitely helped. I’m not one to want to wallow in these challenging emotions. I have to acknowledge them, I have to feel them and allow them their natural course, but I will also try to find a way out of them. I haven’t felt this depth of depression for quite some time though, so it will take some time I think.
In the meantime, after a day of laying in bed and either reading or sleeping, I am ready to start to do one thing at a time, one step at a time. Right now, I’m going to cut around the stickers that I’ve been meaning to use for a long time.
Next posts – Homocysteine Tests and my new book purchase You Can Get Pregnant Naturally Over 40 by Sandy Robertson.