I’ve been finding myself in a very different place the last few weeks with my thoughts directed towards desires and dreams other than conception. Our engagement has made me want other things in my life – most notably to be physically happy with myself for our engagement party and in a wedding dress. I want to be able to look back at photos and be happy with the person I see in them. Right now, I wouldn’t be able to do that. And I know it will take more than a month or three or five of consistent effort in order to achieve that goal.
I am grateful that this has motivated me to begin to lose some weight and to follow some of the fertility eating I have learnt about, but I worry that, as an over 40 mum to be, I simply don’t have time to lose the focus towards having a baby. Yet, it could also be that very shift away from the journey, along with fertility eating, that helps us to become pregnant!
I don’t know. I guess I just need to keep living my life and take each day as it comes. Just being together is the important thing. As well as doing what is right for us.
What is right for us is to be happy together and to not feel any pressing time-line on our lives. There are people wanting us to throw an engagement party right away, there are people shocked that we aren’t setting a date and putting wedding plans into full swing. There is the over 40 body clock saying I don’t have any time to wait to have a baby. There is my strong need to look better for photos and a wedding dress and to feel happy with myself.
There are the what if’s. What if I get pregnant soon? What will happen to the wedding, my goals to look better, the honeymoon?! What if I don’t get pregnant soon? Will I get too old? Will we not ever have children? What if I can’t lose weight? How will that affect things?
What if? What if? What if?
I have moments of living in the moment and not worrying, of being content with the way things are, with doing things the way we want to and when we are ready to, of simply taking one step at a time toward my own personal goal. But I have equal moments with all these thoughts pounding around in my head.
Today, because I am home sick, and not eating particularly well as a result, I am in a darker place than I wish to be. I just want to cocoon myself with some food and a movie and wallow in this illness.
I know I will shift out of this place when the momentum of a week of good food, exercise and a smaller waist, will help me feel like I am moving forward towards my goals. And I know that getting pregnant isn’t going to stop me continuing to move towards a healthier me. And I know that becoming healthier could mean a more fertile me. And I know that it doesn’t matter how long we take to do the engagement party and wedding thing. But I just SO need to look better for that, not for D although that would be nice, but for me, for my own happiness and joy in the celebration. Oh, it’s all just twisting round and round in my head! LET IT GO!
In my rational mind, I know that the only thing I can do is to stay focused on eating well, exercising, remaining stress-free, and living in the joy of being so happy with D. Everything else will simply take it’s course.
Thoughts, support, friendship and advice are all welcome! :):)