Monday, March 22, 2010

Shifting thoughts

I’ve been finding myself in a very different place the last few weeks with my thoughts directed towards desires and dreams other than conception.  Our engagement has made me want other things in my life – most notably to be physically happy with myself for our engagement party and in a wedding dress.  I want to be able to look back at photos and be happy with the person I see in them.  Right now, I wouldn’t be able to do that.  And I know it will take more than a month or three or five of consistent effort in order to achieve that goal.

I am grateful that this has motivated me to begin to lose some weight and to follow some of the fertility eating I have learnt about, but I worry that, as an over 40 mum to be, I simply don’t have time to lose the focus towards having a baby.  Yet, it could also be that very shift away from the journey, along with fertility eating, that helps us to become pregnant!

I don’t know.  I guess I just need to keep living my life and take each day as it comes.  Just being together is the important thing.  As well as doing what is right for us.

What is right for us is to be happy together and to not feel any pressing time-line on our lives.  There are people wanting us to throw an engagement party right away, there are people shocked that we aren’t setting a date and putting wedding plans into full swing.  There is the over 40 body clock saying I don’t have any time to wait to have a baby.  There is my strong need to look better for photos and a wedding dress and to feel happy with myself.

There are the what if’s.  What if I get pregnant soon?  What will happen to the wedding, my goals to look better, the honeymoon?!  What if I don’t get pregnant soon?  Will I get too old?  Will we not ever have children?  What if I can’t lose weight?  How will that affect things?

What if?  What if?  What if?  

I have moments of living in the moment and not worrying, of being content with the way things are, with doing things the way we want to and when we are ready to, of simply taking one step at a time toward my own personal goal.  But I have equal moments with all these thoughts pounding around in my head.

Today, because I am home sick, and not eating particularly well as a result,  I am in a darker place than I wish to be.  I just want to cocoon myself with some food and a movie and wallow in this illness.

I know I will shift out of this place when the momentum of a week of good food, exercise and a smaller waist, will help me feel like I am moving forward towards my goals.  And I know that getting pregnant isn’t going to stop me continuing to move towards a healthier me.  And I know that becoming healthier could mean a more fertile me.  And I know that it doesn’t matter how long we take to do the engagement party and wedding thing.  But I just SO need to look better for that, not for D although that would be nice, but for me, for my own happiness and joy in the celebration.  Oh, it’s all just twisting round and round in my head!  LET IT GO!


In my rational mind, I know that the only thing I can do is to stay focused on eating well, exercising, remaining stress-free, and living in the joy of being so happy with D.  Everything else will simply take it’s course.

Thoughts, support, friendship and advice are all welcome!  :):)


  1. You've got your head on straight, and I know that you are doing things that make you feel happy, that's the way it should be.

    You are amazing, truly an inspiration.

    For me I find it hard to focus on anything but a baby even when I am focusing on a million other things. I fight it, then I stop then I start again, it's a battle and a roller-coaster.

    I can see that D makes you happy that's worth a million times more than a whole lot of other things.

    I can't wait to see wedding planning and some photos from your engagement party (when it happens)

  2. Much love to you as well as some trust and faith in the supportive and loving universe that surrounds you.

    It is hard to let go of the plan, the desire to figure it all out and to try to control it. I struggle with this myself.

    I feel the desire to share the phrases that have been helping me the most lately.

    1. Have Realistic Expectations
    2. Be Very Nice to Myself
    3. Ask for Anything

    And for all 3, I find it important to add "especially when it is hard" to the end when I am struggling the most.

  3. What an amazingly honest post - it's not easy to write about thoughts and feelings as you have done here. You have a lot going on at the moment in your life. Sometimes you just have to take a step back and decide what are the really important things and focus on those. First and foremost, you need to do what makes you happy - don't succumb to family pressure if a big engagement party and instant wedding are not what you want. We escaped the wedding hoopla and got married on vacation in Florida in our shorts, with just the two friends we were visiting in attendance. My MIL has still not got over it and that was 10 years ago but we did what we wanted to do. When the time comes for Mirabelle I don't care what she does, so long as she is happy - that's the most important thing.

    Imperfect Stepford Wife and Nicci offer some great advice above also - I am not going to tell you to stop thinking about the baby angle as I know only too well that will not work, but just focus on what you do have, a wonderful husband to be and so many opportunities. Life is so short so we just have to enjoy everything we do have.

  4. I got married at 33. We had been trying to get pregnant at the same time. So not a lot of alcohol at my very casual, small wedding (city hall in San Francisco, GORGEOUS!)
    Yes, I remember wanting to have more to drink and hating the fact that I was also playing hostess (reception in my backyard.)

    I too selfishly think about the things I want to do for myself and how baby-making plans have stood in the way. To be fair, I don't think it gets easier.

    I am so grateful that we did not go overboard for our wedding b/c we could not have known how much we would need that money for our family building.

    Good luck.

  5. HI all, thank you so much for your comments, support and advice. You are given me much to think about.

  6. I agree. You have been so honest! How absolutely courageous. It's difficult not to put pressure on ourselves, especially when others 'expect' so much of us. 'Know thyself' and 'to thine own self be true' are two biggies for me. Deep inside you absolutely know what makes you happy. You have love! How fabulous is that. Enjoy, Enjoy, Enjoy!

  7. Focus on the positive things. I know the what ifs can really start to get to you though. But for now just focus on eating healthy and enjoying your relationship and things will fall into place. I've always found that a positive attitude helps everything so, think positive. You will get pregnant and have children. And, when you do, you won't worry about all of the other things. Sending you some baby dust.

  8. Thanks for the baby dust, Mary. Fingers crossed it works! Yes, that is what I need to do. Especially adding in thinking positive. That one had slipped my mind. Thanks for the reminder.

  9. Marriage, weddings, babies, family, in-laws...all biggies! No wonder you're overwhelmed.

    Oh, I forgot... a bloggy friend who is giving you a strong opinion. :) Here goes:

    Don't give up your desire to have your baby while it is still possible.

    Weddings, parties, vow renewals...even weight loss, can be scheduled when convenient. Make your own rules.
    I have a friend who is married, but waiting to finish PhD course work before she and her husband have a wedding.
    The baby is requiring some work, as you've already experienced. Any older mom will tell you that the baby has to be a priority. I wanted more than one, and I had to MOVE on it. :)

    Keep thinking about all the things you're juggling and come up with what's best for you and D. Sacrifices may be necessary to experience a lifetime of joy, whether it end up being just the two of you or with your added little bundle. :)

  10. What an honest and heartfelt post. Life if coming at you in full swing and there are a lot of changes for you to look forward to.

    Stop, take a deep breath and "enjoy" the process. Enjoy being engaged, enjoy planning the wedding, enjoy the parties and social events as your friends and family embrace you both.

    Sometimes letting the baby planning take a back seat in your thoughts is good for your body as well as your mind. Please don't miss out on the joy of living in the moment of all the wonderful things you have to look forward to. You can also be preparing your body for pregnancy but don't let that preparation diminish everything else.