I was browsing through In Season Mom Cynthias blog this morning, reading some of her excellent articles and interviews, when I decided to look through her links to see what other over 40 mum blogs she had listed. And there it was... My name... New Mum Over 40.
I made that my name as a way of bringing into our lives our little one. When we leave for our honeymoon on Dec 10, I will turn 44. Seems I should change my name. I'm no new mum, and I'm soon to be over 44. The positive thinking is now nearly 4 years old with no results.
I still believe we will have a child. For me, there is no alternative that I could possibly live with. But, the further in we go, the more doubts creep in. Every IVF round has progressively had more complications. Admittedly, the last one was a result of a late diagnosis of a natural pregnancy that was failing. But that meant no round at all and more delay and more aging of my eggs. Yet still, I have my fingers crossed for January. I can't let go of the dream and the belief that it will work.
If we haven't succeeded before we get to the point of not being able to go on with the treatment, which will be next year, I don't know how I will cope. Being a Mum is the only dream I have in my life. I have achieved all the other things I've wanted to do. I've had a good career, finished two degrees, I've travelled extensively, lived overseas and had the time and energy to do a lot of inner work and self development. But I'm ready to let go of my career now. The only thing I want in this whole world is to love and cherish and raise our child. It's what I'm meant to do.
What will I do if that doesn't happen?
Dave and I only last weekend ended up having a conversation around that. We were at the supermarkets and passed a screaming child. "Something to look forward to", I said. And he rolled his eyes and said "I know!"
And suddenly we were having a conversation of how it wouldn't be so bad. We could go away whenever we wanted, travel the world for my 50th birthday etc etc. Yes, we had both though of that. Yet, as nice as that all sounds, it doesn't compare with having our own family.
What will we do if it doesn't happen?