A rough road

This last week has been a whirl of panic attacks, anxiety and depression.  I keep looking for a way out but just can’t find the path.  I think there is a large part of my unconscious mind that just doesn’t want to.  When I see a ray of light and possibility, my mind shuts down to it, it doesn’t want to hear it.  However do I deal with that?

I’m in a destructive whirl from which I can’t break free.  Why do I make the choices that I make?  Why do I live from a state of unconsciousness?  I feel like I have no control over my life.  aahh.  click.  That’s because I am meant to be handing over control.  And I need to do this daily.

What I need to do is so simple. 

• Make healthy food choices
• Exercise
• Do a daily devotion to God.

So simple, yet so beyond me.  It makes no sense.

I went to Queen Naturo last week to get some herbal assistance.  I have something for relieve anxiety and to uplift my mood.  She provided me with some wonderful motivational thoughts that lasted for all of about a day and a half.   I can’t live like this.

I have so many work commitments for the next three weeks that are taking over my thoughts and not giving me any time to change my behaviours.  I only took one day off from work after the miscarriage, because I just can’t take more time.  I get one weeks holiday in three weeks.  But I don’t want to have to wait until then to achieve anything.  I need relief now.

I have the day off today with a concert tonight.  But today has seen me go more in a whirl than ever.  A whirl of my destructive behaviours, rather than taking on the things that will help me.  I don’t understand this.

Dave has been waking up very early lately, that probably hasn’t helped.  I need to sleep longer than 5.30 am.  We are also still in the middle of chaos with our house renovations.

Okay, so what to do?  What to do? 

One step at a time.  One step at a time.  And hand it over to God.

Beginning the journey back.

The only physical symptom that I’m having today is complete and utter exhaustion.  I just can’t seem to get back my energy levels.  But apart from that and slightly sore boobs, I’m grateful to be feeling so much better.

I woke up in a good emotional state and that has remained during the day.  I’m struggling with the exhaustion and the emotion of having to keep on keeping on.  But I’m so grateful to be getting better.

I’ve been able to relax this afternoon.  I worked in the morning and will again this evening.  But the afternoon has been all mine and I have chilled in front of a movie with a glass of wine.  Wonderful.

Somehow I will get through my big day tomorrow and then I have a small day on Thursday and the day off on Friday.  In between I do have to write reports.  I keep forgetting about them!!  Shite!  Have to hand them in Friday.  But I can probably do them that morning.  I’m prepared, I just need to get the words down.  It will be fine.

So, what now?  Well, I know it’s time to move on from the miscarriage and begin looking forward again.  Easier said than done.  I’m sure there is still more that I need to work through on an emotional level.  But that is where I feel I need to start directing my attention.  Forward.  To getting my life back on track.  To digging out of the hole and seeing the surface again. 

Mmmm…

It seems a bit impossible right now, but I will get there!!

Thank you everyone for all your wonderful support.  I have been blessed with your love and care.  It’s made a huge difference.  Thank you.

Grateful for the bushwalk!

It was a great morning bushwalking yesterday!  I took it easy which was no problems with the little kids that were with us.  About 30 minutes in, we hit a beautiful patch of nature and I went mad with the camera and my spirits and physical energy lifted.  I feel so renewed.

Later in the day, I began to feel the effects of the exercise.  My body felt good, but I also started to get dizzy and a little nauseous and very tired.  I was so grateful for the walk though, that I didn’t care.  I just curled up in front of the TV and chilled out with D.  And went to bed very early and slept right through.

I woke up with a deep sadness this morning.  Not like the cloud of depression that swamped me on Saturday, but just so sad.  It doesn’t feel directed toward or about anything in particular.  It is just there.  As the day as gone on, it has lifted significantly.  But I suspect it may return again in the morning.  We’ll see.

Physically, I feel fine today.  Some very minor abdomen discomfort, but nothing of great note.  I think I may be nearly healed, physically.  I am grateful for that.

Post miscarriage pains and bushwalking!

I’ve done a lot of internet searching the last few days about miscarriages and have found a lot of information.  But what I haven’t found is any information or anyone’s stories about the type of cramping that they have had.  Aside from the standard “period like” cramps that are to be expected, I’ve also had sharp stabbing pains that are more muscular and today, a new type of pain.  It is higher up in my abdomen and comes and goes like a pulse. 

I did read one ladies comment that the sharp stabbing pain could have been the cervix shrinking back into pre-pregnancy shape, but it was isolated comment and certainly there has been no official explanation anywhere talking about this.  Not even my doctor gave any explanation for it.  But in reverse when I was feeling these pains when I was just pregnant, she did say that it was normal.  Once again, no explanation that it may have been the cervix expanding and once again, I got that thought from a forum.

So, if anyone has any thoughts or experiences or “official” information on this, it would be much appreciated!!

I am feeling much better emotionally today and with the exception of these new abdomen pains, better physically too.

Several weeks ago, we organised a bushwalking trip with friends and that is today.  I’m not sure how I will go, but certainly I will go better today than I would have even yesterday.  I will take it easy and see.  But being out in the bush in the best place for me.  It speaks to my soul and lifts my spirits.  It always makes me so happy!  So, even if I have to hang back or sit and rest while the others go on, surely it’s going to be good for me.  Fingers crossed that that will be the case and it won’t do the opposite and wear me out again!

I will let you know!! 

Bye for now,
love and light,
xxxx

The Cloud

Today all rational and clear thinking has evaporated and I have awoken in a cloud of depression.  It probably hasn’t helped that I haven’t eaten well the last couple of days, but that is all a part of the way I’ve unconsciously always handled sadness.  Unfortunately, it also creates a vicious cycle. 

I don’t think today will be a day to try and face that as well though.  D has to work today.  A unrealistic customer means he has to work throughout the weekend to meet this customers demands.  Which means I am on my own today (Saturday), which is probably not a good thing. Because now I can just curl up in a ball and be consumed by todays depression.  D can so often bring laughter back into my spirit. 

I’ve been bleeding for nearly a week now.  And it could go on for another week yet.  Natural miscarriage always last longer than having a d+c.  But I’m glad that I’ve been able to stay away from a curette. But whatever way, it all sucks.  Big time.

I called the doctor today to find out the results of yesterdays blood tests. My HCG levels are down to 17 - from 74 on Tuesday and 310 on Sunday.  So, there is no need to get another test.  The trend is clear.  Pre-pregnancy numbers are back.

Right now I don’t feel that I can cope with anything.  I have to work again next week and I just don’t see how I can do it.  But I have no choice.  I have to.  I must get back to eating well.  I know that will help.  And that was meant to be one of the good things to come out of being pregnant – healthy eating.  But it hasn’t lasted through these emotions.

I will be glad to move pass this part of the recovery process.

Feelings after an early miscarriage

The thing with an early miscarriage is that you don’t get a chance to connect with your child.  A pregnancy that just never took, means that there was never a heartbeat, there was never a chance to feel your child, to really know that he/she was there.  You go through the early pregnancy symptoms - sore breasts, abdomen pains as ligaments start to stretch – but you never get to the morning sickness because your HCG levels never got high enough.   The pregnancy failed long before it ever really got started.

When you find out you are pregnant, you get so excited at the prospects that are ahead of you and you start to plan.  But you never actually get to the stage of putting any plans into action, because it ended all too soon.

And you realise that you never actually got your child.  The fertilised egg that you made didn’t go anywhere.  Your HCG levels never even got into the thousands.  There was no chance.  And you realise that you aren’t actually feeling the loss of a child, but the loss of the potential of a child for which you have longed for so long. 

And then you become scared that you won’t be able to get pregnant again.  And that if you do, you won’t be able to hold on to the next egg either and you will have to go through this all over again.  Or that maybe you will get further, maybe you will get to hear a heartbeat only to have to go through even greater grief of losing the growing child that you did begin to connect with.

So where does that leave me?

It leaves me with the only thing I can do.  To once again hand it over to God.  To accept that I cannot possibly understand the spiritual plan of my life.   To accept that there are never any answers.  To simply believe.  To be patient.  To trust that what is meant to happen in my life is happening and we are exactly where we need to be right now.  And to continue to slowly heal.

Recovering

It can certainly be a difficult journey recovering from miscarriage.  Things have gotten worse over the last 24 hours with severe stabbing abdominal pains, dizziness and nausea.  It has all calmed down today for the most part, but understandably, I am completely exhausted. 

I went to work yesterday, which I don’t regret doing, but it was a very difficult day to get through and may have made things a bit worse.  The doctor gave me a major serve this morning for going to work and has ordered me not to do anything for the next few days.  She said it was way too soon to have done so, both physically and emotionally.  So, I am home for the next few days (minus the two hours at work tomorrow which I will still do.  Just two hours and then no explanation is needed to be given to that school.)

D is worried about me and he ordered me not to go to work today before the doctor did.  So, I think I have been told!

I have another blood test tomorrow to make sure my hormone levels are coming down as they should.  If they haven’t, I will need to have another ultra sound.  But I suspect they will have.  And after looking at all my test results, the doctor doesn’t believe there will be any complications.  So, thats good.

She said that the physical discomfort and bleeding may last up to two weeks.  She didn’t come up with a specific explanation for the stabbing pains but it makes sense to me that they were caused by my cervix shrinking back to it’s pre-pregnancy state.  They were quite different to the miscarriage cramping.

She has told us to wait a cycle before starting to try again to allow my body to right itself.  I need that just as much because of the emotional healing as for the physical.  But I will get there – in time.  And she suggested we leave it for a few months before going back to the IVF program.  Besides we might just get pregnant on our own again!

The Follow Up

We went back to the hospital yesterday for an ultra sound and another blood test.  Both confirmed the miscarriage.  The positive side is that there are no complications.  My ovaries and uterus look healthy. There is no ectopic pregnancy and no need for a clean out.  So that’s it.  It’s done.  And we start again.

It will probably take a few weeks for my body to get back to normal.  But hopefully I will return to ovulating next cycle. D pointed out the fact that for so long I didn’t feel that I had been ovulating.  And then I had two cycles we I finally felt that I had.  And on that second cycle we got pregnant!  So that is also a positive.  As long as I ovulate, we can conceive.

I told Queen Naturo yesterday and after talking about how devastated she is for us, she told us what we had heard several times at the hospital.  That it is quite common for a first pregnancy to end in miscarriage.  And then people can go on to have an easy pregnancy the second time around.  It’s as though the body has to be reminded of what to do!  I have had several stories since of people having that experience.  So another hopeful way of looking at things.  My 42 year old body has had a reminder of how to be pregnant!

Things in my body are gradually returning to normal.  With each new thing I notice, I feel a deep sense of sadness.  I so enjoyed all the signs of pregnancy.  It’s going to take a little while for me to recover.  It doesn’t matter how much how look at the positive side, I still have a grieving and healing process to go through.

Yesterday, the anger hit.  It was from the moment my eyes opened in the morning.  It didn’t last too long and I alternated between anger and sadness and a feeling of deep emptiness.  The anger seems to have disappeared now.  Now I alternate between normality and sadness.  It is good to have normality appear in the scheme of things!  A step forward.

Questioning

What I’m struggling with most is the fact that I so strongly felt that our pregnancy was God given.  I felt to the core of my soul that we had been given the conception and I was so confident that things would work out.  I didn’t expect it to be free and easy, but I was without doubt that God would see us through the pregnancy, particularly the first trimester.

Now, I’m left wondering.  What is it all about?

Is this first step of a journey we are being taken on?
Was the pregnancy God given?  If so, why a miscarriage?
Or is it just life?  Bad luck?

Deep down inside I still believe it is part of my/our journey.  But I still find myself questioning.  I don’t feel anger.   I feel deep disappointment and bafflement.  And a little numbness.  I feel anxiety about whether we will conceive again.  And anxiety that if we do, what will happen?  Will I have to go through this again.  Certainly, there will much more anxiety in the first trimester now.

Yet once again, I just need to hand it over to God and let go.  There has got to be something good come out of this.  If nothing else, my eating habits took an instant turn for the better when we found out.  I hope that can continue.

Miscarriage

I had a miscarriage yesterday.  I don't need to go into how sad we are or what we went through at the hospital and at home.  I'm sure you all know yourselves or at least, can imagine.

What I want to focus on instead, is the positive side of things that we are aware of, even though that awareness may be a little in the distance at the moment.

The doctor gave us the first one.  She said that while it is terrible that we have miscarried, the fact is that we now know that we CAN get pregnant naturally.  We know we can achieve it.  We have a ray of hope.  And when my body has recovered, we will try again.

We will be able to finish more of the painting in the house.   We have been renovating for the last few months.  And hadn't finished painting yet.  D was going to have to do it on his own, once the new kitchen had gone in.  But now we can finish it together over the next few weeks.

We are very grateful that we hadn't gone away for the long weekend.  We had intended going to our property in the middle of nowhere but decided not to.  So grateful that we didn't.  It would have been a disaster being there considering what happened.

The staff at the hospital were wonderful.  When we arrived at emergency, we were put to the top of the list and given a short-term stay room.  And the care and treatment we received was fantastic.  Thank you to the hospital staff.

I go back to the hospital tomorrow for a scan and some more tests to try and determine what went wrong and to ensure that there isn't an ectopic pregnancy.  But going on my pregnancy hormones from the blood test it looks unlikely.  It seems that, for whatever reason, the pregnancy just wasn't destined to be. 

Today we have had to make a phone calls to our parents and the two close friends we told we were pregnant.  But for the most part, we are resting, taking it easy and healing.

First baby appointment

We had our first baby appointment today – with my GP.  She gave us the run down of our options, share care between her and the OB, full care with the OB at the private hospital, or the public system.  We are choosing (with her recommendation) to go full care with the OB, purely because of my age and weight.  I will be considered to be a high risk pregnancy and we want to ensure the best care every step of the way.  It will cost us more, but we don’t care!!!  She also said that if I am classified as high risk, which is probable, I wouldn’t be allowed to do share care with her anyway. 

So, we will see her next week for the ultra sound results and then it will be off to the private hospital to meet our new OB.  We can still see her (the GP) in between appointments if we have any niggling concerns about how I am feeling.  It is wonderful to know that she will be there for us if needed. 

So, on Tuesday we will have our first ultra sound, to determine the age of the baby, hear the heartbeat and anything other things that needed to be observed.  She wasn’t able to give us a due date because my cycles are longer and irregular.  So, she said wait until I am well and truly definitely 6 weeks and then the ultra sound will tell us the age of our baby!!  We are SO excited.  I can’t wait – especially for the heartbeat!!

There were cautions as well of course.  The need for testing for chromosone defects, the options we have with that and the risks involved.  That was all quite scary.  But overall, I came out of that appointment feeling great.

She confirmed that the abdomen pains I have been feeling are completely normal.  Yeh!  And answered a lot of other questions that we had.

What a different experience than seeing the OB a few weeks ago about starting IVF. I labelled him the Doom and Gloom man, because he threw at us so many negative statistics about getting pregnant at my age.  We walked out of there so disheartened and concerned.

Needless to say, he won’t be our OB!!

In contrast, my doctor quoted one of the same statistics but put it in a completely positive light.  She said that there might be 1 in 70 of having a down syndrome child.  But that meant there was 69 in 70 chance that we won’t!!  A much better way of looking at it!!

So, the ball is rolling and we are moving along.  **Sigh**  It is so exciting!!

Through the grace of God

Over the last two years, Dave and I have done so many tests to check for fertility and pregnancy (not to mention the gazillion other tests for fertility!). Saliva tests, Urine tests and Basal Body Temperature to check for ovulation. Urine tests to check for pregnancy. Not once have we ever got a positive result on anything. Not for ovulation or for pregnancy.

So, when I walked out of the toilet with the positive pregnancy test on Wednesday night, it put us both in a complete state of shock!

Oh my! Wow!

And I know with all my heart and soul, that we are pregnant through the grace of God. A few months ago, I surrendered the whole journey to God. I said to God that we had tried everything to conceive, we had been pro-active to the enth degree, with no result. I handed it over to God, saying that there was nothing more I can do, that I was helpless and I placed it all into Gods hands. I surrendered and I let go.

Two months later, we are pregnant.

I haven’t stopped thanking God since. Every day, I give thanks. I am so grateful to have been graced with this baby. I feel honoured that we have conceived and that a soul out there in the beyond has chosen us to be its parents.

I will never stop being thankful.

Now, as we journey through this first trimester, I am still placing the journey in God’s hands. I hand over to Him, the health and well-being of our child. I hand over to Him my fears and insecurities. Thy will be done. And in return, I focus on feeling taken care of, at ease and peaceful.

I breathe out a deep sigh.

Aaahhh...

My Pregnancy Journal

D and I hit the bookstores last weekend and bought three books on pregnancy. 

• Your Pregnancy Bible by Dr. Ann Deans
• Up The Duff by Kaz Cooke (D’s choice.  As well as being really informative, it is written in such a humorous way that totally appeals to him)
• My Pregnancy Planner by Dr. Miriam Stoppard

It is the last one that I am going to focus on in this blog.  The Pregnancy Planner is an informative book that encourages journalling the journey.  So what a better place to talk about the journey than here, in my blog!

First changes I noticed (in the first week after discovery):

• Sharp pains in lower abdomen both sides – feels muscular
• Dull pain on side of abdomen, mostly on the right side. Feels like either a cramp or stitch.
• Neither pains last for very long and are not severe.
• Really sore breasts for about a week.
• Bloated belly from time to time. Feels distended.
• Gas! Quite painful at times. And burping! Especially after eating.
• I can’t eat my usual serving sizes. I’m needing to eat smaller amounts at mealtimes. And I’m snacking more often. Really hungry!!!
• So far, only one difficult emotion. I woke up really sad and then kept changing from that emotion to wanting to hit something. I felt very volatile! But it didn’t last for very long.
• Really tired. Heavy legs.
• Having to pee more often! Which is in part a result of drinking more water. But last night, I had a bad night and had to get up to the toilet about 6 times! 3x in the first 30 minutes!

Changes in my lifestyle

• Immediately after finding out we were pregnant, I began eating so much more healthily. It’s fantastic. No empty calories at all! And no bad eating thoughts. No compulsions. And always and easily stopping when I’ve had enough. I love this change! Only good things for bubby!
• Being very conscious of exercise. I am watching my heart rate and not letting it get too high or letting myself get to the point of heavy breathing and not being able to talk. I am learning to slow down and not pushing myself as I normally would. I have also cut out two of the Curves machines at my gym workout. And I am walking slower up the hills that I usually like to power up. I know I must keep my body temperature from getting too high, especially at this stage (first trimester)
• Cutting out certain foods. I was most disappointed to find out I couldn’t eat hot chicken from the local store. It is a mainstay of my diet. And tuna only once a week – oh dear. They I what I live on with my salads and snacks! Replaced now with boiled egg and hard cheese so far. Trying to eat more calcium and green leafy vegetables.

Thoughts and feelings

• I am so excited, we are so excited. Everything is changing. Finally we got the result we have been waiting over two years for.
• I’m also a little scared. Scared of getting safely through the first trimester. And I’m keeping my fingers crossed for the health of our child.
• I am looking forward to all the experiences that are going to come with pregnancy. Yes, even morning sickness. Because it means I am pregnant!! I am excited for every little step of the way. Although, I must admit, I wasn’t too happy about the challenging emotion I had yesterday morning. Difficult emotions are always tough!
• Any wedding planning is going to be put on hold now. Not that we had really started!! We have been too busy putting our time and money into renovating our home. And I don’t want the stress of planning a wedding whilst pregnant. My goal for this pregnancy is to be stress-free, calm and happy. There is part of me that would really like us to be married when we have our child. But the other part of me knows it makes no difference to our relationship. We are fully committed to each other without needing to make it legal. Wedding planning can come later. Despite the subtle and not-so-subtle words from our parents. Subtle on my side, not-so-subtle on D’s side!
• Lots of thoughts about what will happen with work. But leaving any decisions until after the first trimester.
• I love D SO much and am so excited to be having a child with him. Grinning from ear to ear!! It was so amazing to find out we were pregnant on the night of our 3 year anniversary. And so incredible that we’d had a wonderful breakthrough in a challenging aspect of our relationship just three days beforehand. We are in such a good place. It is all meant to be. Perfect timing!

It’s Positive!!!!

After two years and two months, we are finally pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woooohoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

And would you believe it?  We probably conceived the day or two before we had our first appointment with the new OB to look at starting IVF.  Incredible!  We were already pregnant when we were talking to him about our options!  D can’t wait to see him next appointment and tell him that we don’t need him for IVF anymore!

It’s a wonderful story about how we found out.

It was our 3 year anniversary and we had booked a dinner at a wonderful restaurant.  I hadn’t been drinking since my last ovulation.  I was late for my period.  And I wanted to do a pregnancy test to see where we were at and whether I could have a drink at our special occasion.

I went to the toilet, expecting the usual result.  D said I took forever to come out and he was starting to wonder what was going on.  He was expecting the usual result as well and was just getting ready to go out.  But when I took a while he came up to the toilet and waited around the corner.

I came out looking at the test with a confused dumbfounded look on my face and staring intently at the result.  He gave me such a fright because he was hiding around the corner! 

I took another look at the test and then passed it to him silently with a shocked look on my face.  He took the test along with the instructions and stood there comparing the two.  And then looked up at me with the same shock! 

Oh my God!!  We are pregnant!  And it hit home.  We are pregnant!!!!!  It’s positive!!!!

WOWOWOWOWOW

Needless to say, I did not have anything to drink at dinner.  Nor could we both stop smiling!

What a wonderful anniversary present!  We couldn’t have asked for a better time to have found out.  Just as we were going out to celebrate our time together.

I did another test the next morning.  It was still positive!

Then went to the doctor.

That test was inconclusive.  OH NO!   But she sent me off for a blood test.  And the next day those results came in positive as well.  It was a terrible waiting time though!  And a scary phone call to make.  I had to check with her three times that she said the test result was positive.

So the new journey begins.  We are so excited.  We are aware of the need to get safely through the first trimester and what we need to do and not do.  But any concerns are mostly over taken by the pure excitement and joy we feel.

After 26 months, we are growing our baby!!!!