Woopsie!

 

 

 

As you know, we are not telling our friends and family IRL about our efforts to have a baby.  Ever since we began tracking my cycle 6 months ago, I have remembered every fortnight to put away the Maybe Baby and any other signs of our efforts to conceive before our cleaner and now friend, comes around.  That is… until today!

After she had been here for a little while, I finally remembered!  I wasn’t worried because I didn’t think she had been to our bedroom yet.  But I was wrong!  She had already gone around with the duster.

As she was finishing up for the morning, she said to me “I wasn’t snooping around amongst your things, but I thought I should let you know that as I was dusting, I came across the Maybe Baby by your bed.  Ooo, I thought.  I know was THAT is for!!” 

After my initial “oh no”, I was so grateful that she felt it was important to tell me and not hide the fact that she saw it.  I know I can completely trust her not to tell anyone – including my mother who she attends church with every Sunday!

Now, I don’t have to hide everything every fortnight! 




Instead we had a little chat about it and she was able to pass on her insight, wisdom and support.  She is a wonderful woman, who has gained much experience and understanding about life.  And she is excited for us!  And said that she would pray for us.  She also promised not to ask me every fortnight how it is all going or ask the question that is one of the reasons we aren’t telling people “are you pregnant yet?”!

The BEST thing about our conversation was when she said “And of course, you are the PERFECT age now to have a baby!”

”What”, I said, “You are the first person to ever say THAT

!”

She said, "Well of course you are.  You’ve had so many life experiences, you are more than ready to settle down and really give your all to raising a child.  You understand what is involved.  You have waited for the right person to have a child with.  You are committed to each other as you will be to your child.   You will have so much to give to your children. It’s the perfect time!”

Gee, I like that woman!!  Thhhrrrrr, to the people who say you shouldn’t have children over 40.  Come and talk to our wise and loving cleaner!!!  :) :) 

 

When Life Hands You Lemons!

 

In catching up with my fav blogs, I headed over to Ambers PPD site and discovered that she awarded me the “When Life Hands You Lemons” blog award.  That was so sweet of her and I am touched that she thought of me for this award.  Thank you Amber!  Her blog is a wealth of information and experience about postpartum depression and I highly recommend heading over there to ‘meet’ her!

The rules for this award are simple:
I am to thank the giver of the award and link to their blog (see above).   I am supposed to share 5 things about myself.  And I am supposed to link to 5 new blogging recipients of my choosing and notify them.

I think I can do that!  :)

First - 5 new recipients.

All of these women are so positive in their outlook on life they are really deserving of the “life hands you lemons” award.

Sweet Jane – a blogger friend of old.  I do so enjoy her friendship and feel a real soul connection to her.  I am always amazed at how we are so different, yet so much alike and how our stories have often matched up.

Anita – she is so wonderfully supportive of this journey that I am on and I thank her deeply.  Her site is a lot of fun with really interesting stories.  She encourages all her readers to share their own stories on the same subject creating a wonderful conversation of experiences, thoughts and ideas.  Go see her!

Deb Menopausal New Mom – another blogger friend whose support I have been most thankful for.  Great blog she has!  She is on vacation at the moment and I do miss her posts!  I hope she is having a fabulously fun and relaxing time!

Nicci – Nicci has two blogs that I love to visit.  Here and here.  She is also an old blogger friend who I am grateful to have kept in touch with.  At the moment, she is healing from knee surgery and I wish her strength and rapid healing!

Nancy from f8hasit – Nancy is a new blogger friend whose site is always entertaining as her 700 odd followers will attest to!  She has wonderful stories and her optimistic and easygoing approach to life is just my cup of tea!

 

Five things about me…

1.  I used to have a different blogger name many moons ago – Journey Through Life.  I loved that blogging name and the blogs that I had back then.  They helped me through a big phase of my life and I have come out better for it.  I am very grateful for the friends I made in that time and even more grateful that some of them are still with them since my return under this user name.

2.  I am doing everything right and more in order to enhance fertility except for the one area I have struggled with my whole life – food and weight.  I am doing the best that I can and am always trying to get better, but I worry sometimes about its affects.  Mostly though I stay positive, remember the supportive educational words of my naturopath and doctor who assure me everything is fine, and look at how much better I am doing now than I was a few months ago. 

3.  I was single for most of my life – which was a blessing and a struggle all at the same time!  It was such a time of growth and self-development and I am grateful for it.  Now I am very grateful that I said ‘no’ to those that weren’t right for me, because D is just SO right for me (and vice versa!) and I am so thankful.

4.  I long to have a stronger connection to both my physical and spiritual selves.  To merge together more completely and really experience life as a spiritual being in a physical world.  Sometimes I think I disconnect from both – especially my physical self – and not take full responsibility or be fully connected to who I am.

5.    I have arthritis in my knees would you believe??!!  Since my 20’s!  Ah the joys of playing netball from the age of 5.  When my acupuncturist examined my knees, before I even mentioned anything, he said “ah, netball knees”!  Shhheeesshhh!!  LOL  :) :)
The arthritis was only recently diagnosed.  After I damaged my knee moving furniture (!), my doctor sent me for x-rays looking for bone damage.  No bone damage, but there was arthritis!   So now I know what the pain is that I have put up with for 15 years!  It is so much better have a name for it!  I am grateful for that.

 

The last week of my cycle.

I like this time in the cycle.  You’ve done the planning.  You’ve done the work (if you want to call it work!  :) :) ).  You’ve done the progesterone test.

Now you just get to sit back and wait!

The waiting has a strong sense of anticipation and excitement, eagerness and hopefulness.  Yet it also comes with a sense of peace.  Either this will be the right timing or there is more time needed before we conceive.  I can see the positives in both sides!

Either way, I like this time!

In peace and hopefulness,

 

Sunday update

Today I am feeling a bit tired of the whole ovulation tracking thing!  I am thinking of giving it a rest for a while and just going with the flow.  With all the different methods we have done, we still don’t really know when I ovulate.  We have a pretty good idea but nothing concrete.  So, as long as we stay aware of a rough area of time within my cycle, that is good enough for now!

Of course, next cycle I may feel refreshed and want to start trying to track it again but for right now, I need a break!

I’m still taking all my tabs and going for the tests.  Still going to the acupuncturist and doing mostly (!) all the right things.

Last night was the biggest challenge of all in regards to no alcohol.  We went out to a friends for a bbq.  All good.  I brought my de-alcoholised wine and drank that along with water.  No problems!

But then…

… out came the 22 year old Port that we had given this friend a year ago.  Oh no!  It smelt divine.  I could imagine it’s delicious flavour swirling around in my mouth.  I smelt it from D’s glass and want to curl up in ecstasy!! 

It was the ONLY time not drinking alcohol has been really really really mean!!!!!  :) :)

So, we made a deal that should I get another period, I will treat myself to some of this beautiful port!  mmmmmmmm…

I’m enjoying the lots of vegies aspect to the fertility diet from You Can Pregnant  Over 40, Naturally.  My favourite snack is now celery with almond spread.  The idea comes from my naturopath and works perfectly with Sandy’s advice on nutrition.

Postpartum Depression

I was doing a lot of browsing yesterday on over 40 pregnancy and over 40 mums.  I must say, if I wasn’t a glass half full person, I would be mightily depressed and unhappy right now!  Postpartum Depression, exhaustion from lack of sleep, not being able to bond with baby, not knowing what to do etc etc. 

Fortunately I also found quite a bit of good stuff!!  In particular from a series of books by Elizabeth Pantley.  I highly recommend going to look at this site and downloading some excerpts.  She has some great, stress-free, calming ideas!



It was the postpartum depression material that has kept me thinking over the last 24 hours.  Depression is in my family genes and I’ve had more than my share!  And it seems that PPD is more prevalent in over 40 mums. 

I read excerpts from Brooke Shields book Down Came The Rain.
I read about the changes in biochemicals that occurs both during and after pregnancy.
And I read about how over 40 women have become so established in their lifestyles and careers that the life altering changes and loss of independence that come with a baby, have the potential to bring on PPD.

Flower Power Moms blog post about postpartum depression was most interesting.

          “McCabe goes on to point out that the likelihood of increased anxiety for older mothers during pregnancy is exacerbated by the medical establishment—a process that augurs an uncomfortable ride after birth and a lack of postnatal bliss.

“This group is also put through a lot more medical intervention—many more tests may be performed and there are often suggestions of abnormality in the baby or danger for the mother.””

Fortunately, even though a part of is concerned that I will be susceptible to it, I find myself optimistically not in the least bit worried! 

Firstly, if it does occur, I have wonderful support in both Queen Naturo and King Acupunct who will quickly help to rebalance my biochemcials.  I spoke to King Acupunct today at my appointment and he went “no worries!”

He said that the two biggest causes of postpartum depression were the dramatic changes in biochemcials and also the approach of the new mother to the change in lifestyle.  He said “you are a ‘glass half full’ woman and much less susceptible to it even taking into consideration the depression gene.”  I choose to completely agree with him!  :)



In regards to the change in lifestyle, I am welcoming it.  I have done all that I want to do with my career.  I have travelled, I have soul searched, I have loved and lost and now wonderfully, have loved and won!!  I want this change of lifestyle.  I want to be at home being a full-time mum and taking care of things around here.  I’ve been ready for this change for the last few years!

Also, I don’t have any expectations on what it is going to be like to be a mother.  I don’t have any expectations on what our baby is going to be like.  I don’t have any expectations on what the first few months are going to be like.  This can be one of the traps and causes of PPD.  When things just aren’t the way you wanted or expected them to be.

What I do completely acknowledge though, is the loss of independence.  That one could really affect me!  As well as the complete exhaustion, that will no doubt occur, coming along and taking away my rational thinking that is writing this post right now!  :)

But with the support of natural medicine,
with complete awareness of what could happen,
with the acceptance and welcoming of the lifestyle changes that will occur,
with no expectations,
with my half-full glass,
with willingness to accept help, 
and with the ability to be able to live in the moment and take things as they come,
I am thinking positive and believe that I will be okay even if the symptoms do come and take over for a while.

Live Peacefully In The Moment

Connecting over 40 mums and mums to be

Today is a good day for feeling stress-free and accepting of life’s plan! 

I like it when a good wave comes along and you just feel fine.  Sure, I have a silly cold and am feeling physically a bit blah, but who cares!  Today, I feel content in the moment.

I came across a great site today.  Flower Power Mom!!

Flower Power Mom is an online blog and resource offering support, tips, articles, information and an e-newsletter  for women having children after 40.

I joined her site and not much time later, I received a lovely email from Angel thanking me for visiting and offering support, advice and lots of information on this subject of over 40 mums and mums to be.  She also asked if she could list my blog in her soon to be up and running list of links as well as her newsletter this month.  How exciting!

 

I’m excited by the thought of being able to connect with, and support, other woman who are making this journey of becoming pregnant over 40.  I hope it is something that will become much more promoted and accepted in our society. 



I haven’t come across anyone as yet, who has expressed judgement about over 40 pregnancy.  Thank goodness!  However, I am also not personally ‘out’ on the subject, nor pregnant yet!  Surprisingly then, the subject often comes up, and thankfully with no criticism.  Instead, I am often asked if D and I are wanting to have children.  To which I politely say, ‘well you never know’!!

The only experience I had recently was not at all directed to me but instead was a conversation by a group of in their 20’s mothers who I was with for a friends birthday.  Their conversation was filled about their children, comparing notes about their development and experiences.  At one point, they were talking about a sister who got pregnant some time after her previous children – at 37!!!!  Oh my goodness, she was 37 they stated in shock and horror!  Inwardly, I just laughed!

On the reverse side of that day, was a woman who was 44, met her partner late in life and was quite happy openly talking about how they had just started trying to have a child.  Talk about opposites!  It was lovely to meet her and ask her about her journey even if I wasn’t able to talk about my own! 

So, thanks Angel (Flower Power Mom) for your site and all the work and research that you have done for mums and mums to be over 40.  I am looking forward to being part of your community!

Ovulation Testing

 

 

 

 

This week I have added measuring my basal body temperature to the morning routine.

We have been using Maybe Baby for the last few months to help us determine ovulation time.  It seemed like the best way to do it – through saliva testing.  Maybe Baby tells you exactly when you are ovulating through examining saliva in a mini microscope.  Whereas with basal testing, the indications of ovulation, through the changes in ones basal body temperature, occur AFTER ovulation.

So we went with Maybe Baby as a more reliable method.  However, it just doesn’t seem to be working for me.  According to the GYN, I am ovulating now.  But Maybe Baby is not telling us that.  We get vague signs of it from time to time but nothing concrete.

So, I went and bought a basal thermometer.  So far, so good.  It’s only been a week and it will take 3 months to really track my temperature changes.  But using it in conjunction with Maybe Baby is proving to be a positive thing.

The only other option is urine testing.  But the tests are SO expensive and you get maybe 7 tests in a kit.  So you have to already be very sure on when ovulation may be occurring and then hope that you got it right.  It may be a more accurate method in the actual testing for ovulation, but definitely not for the timing of when to take the tests – not to mention the extreme cost!

Of course, blood tests are the best way to see if you have ovulated.  Not helpful for the timing of creating life, but reassuring to know afterwards that you have ovulated!  My blood tests take place on Day 23 of each cycle, which will be next week.  With the hoohaa of Christmas and New Year I missed doing it all last cycle, so I will have to postpone my fertility clinic appointment for a month.  Unless of course, we get pregnant this cycle.  Then I won’t have to go have the next ultrasound of injecting dye into my womb to look at my fallopion tubes.  Wouldn’t that be good!!!!  :):)

 

I feel more positive about ovulating this month.  Signs that I recognise as ovulation in my body have been occurring.  I haven’t had these for several months now, so positivity and hopefulness is increasing.

Is that a good thing?  I don’t know.  I was so upset last month.  But I just can’t help being positive and hopeful.  It’s in my nature.  It’s like not jumping into love, cause you are afraid you will get hurt.  You just do it!!  And this is the same.  I can’t stop being excited about the possibility of becoming pregnant just because it might not happen!  In with both feet!!!

5%

Something different has been occurring the last couple of days.  Normally when I get sad, I tend to lean towards certain types of food.  But the couple of days, that hasn’t happened.  The opposite has been occurring instead.  I have found myself leaning toward healthy food, vegetables mostly.  I am finding a simplicity and peacefulness.

I wonder how much of it is related to my new book You Can Get Pregnant Over 40, Naturally by Sandy Robertson.  I like her chapters on fertility food.  I have loved her meditation CD.  I truly believe these are helping shift my focus.

And this morning, I have read some encouraging articles about conception and weight.  Both articles have said that losing just 5% of ones body weight, highly increases ones fertility.  That just seems so do-able.  5%.  Sigh of relief.  It’s not saying what BMI you need to be, it’s not saying you need to lose 20 kilos, it’s just saying 5%.  That feels like no pressure, no expectations, no great demands, no insistence, no stress.

• So, I find myself not being stressed by this issue anymore.
• I find myself eager to continue listening to the meditation CD and act upon the advice in Sandy’s book.
• I find myself feeling calm and peaceful within this sadness that is slowly passing through my system.
• I am finding myself turning towards healthier options and being satisfied very quickly.
• I am finding myself at peace with feeling healthier in my body.  The thought of weight loss has often brought about scary feelings within me.  But not today.  Today there is just a sigh of release and a welcoming of the new feelings and sensations.

Kiara, my kitty, is sprawled out on the desk as close to my computer (and me!) as she can be.  Cats are just so cute.  She looks up at me lovingly, so relaxed and contented.  She just oozes peace and contentment and stillness.  She is such a delight!


She stretches out with her paw and rests it on my arm.  Her purrs are loud and soothing.  Her eyes are half shut, relaxed and sleepy.  She nuzzles in and drifts off into cat dreamland.

She is simply adding to this wonderful feeling that is slowly being generated within me.  God bless her!

A new book.

Many months ago when I first began researching the net for pregnancy over 40, I came across Sandy Robertson’s websites and blogs and her book You Can Get Pregnant Over 40, Naturally.
   



I wanted to buy the book right then and there.  But I thought, no, we are just getting started and we are doing it with the support and guidance of our naturopath and acupuncturist.  We will be pregnant in no time!

Now, we are in Cycle 8 and I am delighted to say, I have bought and downloaded her book.  Yea!
I am looking forward to reading what she has to say, the guidance and advice that she has to offer.  I am looking forward to finding peace in the process once more.  I am looking forward to following her advice on nutrition.
 
I ignore the chapter on weight because worrying about that is only problematic for my stress levels.   I already know all the medical stats as well as all the naturopathic healing, support and successful results.   The issue of weight in conception and pregnancy, and generally, is not as cut and dry as a couple of paragraphs.  Those who haven’t ever had to deal with it, will never really understand the issues involved.  There is so much more to it.  What is important is being healthy and fit and having all the right hormonal and vitamin balances in the body. 

Thus her chapter on nutrition is going to be invaluable to me.  Eat well and exercise, reduce stress. Eat more fruit and vegetables.  They are important factors in conception and having a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.  Food is the one area that I struggle with and need to manage more effectively.  I have so much trouble getting my spiritual and physical self connected.  With any luck, Sandy will be able to assist me with this.

She also has a meditation CD that I can download.  I think this will also be very helpful for me.

All these things, I hope, will bring about a more peaceful me and a physical me that is more receptive to conception.  A healthier me, a more connected me, a more relaxed me, a pregnant me!!

The journey continues…

There is a lot to put down into words from the last 24 hours.  Perhaps a couple of posts would the best way to do it.

Last night saw me have a bit of a meltdown.

All of the following things listed – mentally, I know are just fine.  They are all the things of which I have complete mental clarity, understanding and acceptance.  None of them are a problem and they all have either my desire to be doing it or my complete support. 

Yet, my emotions have taken me a different way.  The rolled out in this order:

• The winding down and shifting energy after family left from two week Christmas/NY visit,
• Working out together, that the week D needs to go out of town for work is my ovulation week,
• the results of yet another test,
• the build up of 7 months of taking pills, having tests, getting results, tracking cycles and ovulations (or the lack thereof), going to the fertility clinic, naturopath and weekly acupuncture appointments,
• not being able to lose weight and continuing to really struggle with healthy eating patterns (my lifelong challenge which only adds stress to my desire to conceive)

The consequence of this was a complete switch in my emotions and hormones – chemical changes fluctuating wildly!  And my mental clarity and understanding having absolutely no say in the matter.

D saw something was wrong “Whats wrong, Bloss.  Talk to me”.

”I don’t know” I said, “Maybe it is winding down after having family here, maybe I’m sick of trying to conceive”

And on that, I burst into tears.  Ah, that is what it is.  Now I knew.

This morning I stayed in bed and continued to sleep until midday.  That in itself says a hell of a lot as I can never sleep during the day unless I am sick.  I got up only when I realised that my other naturopath might have my happy pills that I haven’t had for a few weeks.  She did and I went to get them.  A little naturally healthy kick of the chemicals that help mood is in order.

 

She also had another tab that will help with my last test results.  So I came home and worked out how many mg and mcg I needed of B12, B6, Folic Acid and Zinc and worked out what I needed to take in order to achieve that.  I will check it all with Queen Naturo when she returns from holidays.

Being pro-active with this has definitely helped.  I’m not one to want to wallow in these challenging emotions.  I have to acknowledge them, I have to feel them and allow them their natural course, but I will also try to find a way out of them.  I haven’t felt this depth of depression for quite some time though, so it will take some time I think.

In the meantime, after a day of laying in bed and either reading or sleeping, I am ready to start to do one thing at a time, one step at a time.  Right now, I’m going to cut around the stickers that I’ve been meaning to use for a long time.

Next posts – Homocysteine Tests and my new book purchase You Can Get Pregnant Naturally Over 40 by Sandy Robertson.

Finding Gratitude.

I’m really struggling to find my happy place at the moment.  It is possible that external influences are factoring in to it, but mostly I think it is starting another cycle. 

So, what I need to do is to be grateful for this latest stage in our conception journey and my life overall.  In this way, I can find my positivity once more.

I am grateful for:

• the opportunity to continue to move into a healthier way of living.
• being able to enjoy NYE with a few drinks.
• having D in my life – his love and his support and his wonderful way of being able to find my happy place!
• my naturopath and acupuncturist and the support and treatment they are providing.
• their 100% strike rate for conception!
• being able to begin painting the outdoor setting and to poison the weeds today. (although D ended up poisoning for me!)  If I was pregnant or thought I was pregnant, I wouldn’t have done those jobs.
• our home and our life together.
• my parents.
• our pets.
• the changes in my work situation this year.
• that all our test results were good.
• school holidays.
• our rural property that we can go to whenever we like.
• remembering that when I am struggling, I simply need to focus on one step at a time, one job at a time, one thing at a time.
• our brand new Canon SLR and the digital photography course I just downloaded!

So, now I let it sit.  Absorb it.  Allow it to come to fruition.  And eventually I will be back to my usual place of positivity, gratitude and living in the moment.

Day 3, Cycle 8

New Years Eve was fantastic!!  How was your night??  I hope you all enjoyed seeing the New Year and new decade in your most favourite of ways!

About an hour before we left for our property, my period began.

There were some tears and working through the sadness during the two hour drive to our property.

But once we were there, we had a wonderful time!!  I was grateful for and greatly enjoyed being able to have a few drinks and cracked open my favourite bottle of red wine – Wolf Blass Grey Label Shiraz.  I could have stayed up all night, but by 3am we headed to bed and slept for just a few hours.  I guess that’s the problem being an early riser – you go to bed late and still wake up early!!  But I woke up refreshed this morning after a wonderful nights sleep.

I need to move back into a place of feeling positive about conceiving and simply going with the flow of life once more.  At the moment, I am feeling a little sad and dejected about it.  This is the first time I have truly felt this way at the beginning of a new cycle. 

After the GYN told me she believed I was ovulating and that all the tests for both of us were good, I began to feel more hopeful about our chances.

Now I need to go back to the stress-free, relaxed, let things come as they do, approach to life and conception that always works well.  I think it might be a little harder to find now, but just writing this is helping it to come back just a little!