Monday, February 11, 2013

Title change

I'm 44 now.  I was 40 and hopeful when we started this journey.  Hope does still live in me but it is surrounded by a sense of loss and of being let down.

Anyway, a slight change in title seemed appropriate.  4 years ago, I went with New Mum Over 40, because it was a pro-active, positive, put it out there and it will be, way to go.  Now, at 44, it is just misleading.

I'm no New Mum.  A new great aunt, but no new mum.

Today I am finding myself really missing my little nephew.  Craving for him would be a better description.  A full day of babysitting on Friday and a overnighter on Saturday has really brought my maternal needs to the forefront.  I look forward to seeing him this Friday for my weekly babysitting.

I have absolutely no fears about the change in my life that will occur with a new-born baby.  Being with my nephew has shown me how much I want that role.  I've known for years that I've been ready for it, but now I know on a physical level.  On a maternal level.  On an activity level.  I am craving it.

Along with what has happened with me conceiving two cycles in a row, I am hoping that this deep down in my soul maternal feeling, will be a trigger for things finally coming together for us.  This is where my hope lives now.  There are no barriers, no doubts, my body is trying to work, and my soul is committed.  We just have to find that one good embryo.  There is still hope.

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