Feeling Good!

My blood tests results came back very positively yesterday.  My FSH levels are exactly where they need to be in order for the IVF drugs to work their best wonders.

I gave myself my first injection last night with no problems.  I was so worried about going through these next two weeks without Dave.  In fact 24 hours ago, I would have said I wasn't coping.  But something shifted during the day yesterday and I feel great!  Don't ask me what it was.  I wouldn't have a clue!!!

I'm feeling really, really positive about this round.  I know that can be a dangerous place to go when the let down can then be even bigger, but I don't care!  I'm feeling really good about the possiblity of being successful this time around and I intend to go with this feeling!

So many things seem to be falling into place at the moment. 

One - The freakiest one of all is the level of syncronicity between my kinesiologist and my therapist.  Everytime a new things come up with one person, it is also comes up with the other.  It's crazy!  And I love it!  I feel like they are working together.  And I really believe that I have been led to both of them at this time in my life.

I feel like there are some really significant breakthroughs going on in my pysche and that I am finally beginning to take some small steps toward releasing some long held patterns and issues in my life.  And to be doing that just before a baby comes along, is simply wondrous.  I have always wanted to be in a place where I am not passing on to much "garbage" to my child.  So that they don't inherit and have to deal with all the difficult things that I have had to.  We bring so much into our lives that need healing as it is, it would be nice not to give my child all my "garbage" on top of that as well.

Anyway, it is just baby steps, but I'm feeling so good about it all at the moment.  It is giving me the feeling of the timing being just right.  And that, as I let go and heal from my own issues, I will be a much better mother.

Two - And then there is starting to babysit my great nephew every week.  My maternal instincts have been switched on with him and I am loving the role of being his caretaker once a week.  I love it more than I thought I would and it just fits me to a tee!  It's made me more excited about being a mum.

Three - Without my intending it to be, my work hours have dropped quite a lot this year.  I have more time, less stress and I am beginning to love my life once more.  I am certainly enjoying work more which is just wonderful.  In fact, I could even begin to say, I'm starting to love it again.  I haven't been able to say that for years!

As a result, I am beginning to enjoy my home life more.  I'm getting out into the garden, I'm keeping up with the bookwork.  I'm back to regular exercise.  I'm not feeling this constant pressure to have to keep up with everything because I have more time to achieve what needs to be done.

I am grateful to be in this place now, after two months of really struggling.  Thank you!!!

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A truly happy one for today! One of my favs of Dave!

Here we go!

Day 1 today.  Here we go on Round 4!

I must admit to being extremely nervous this time around.  Mostly because Dave is not here.  He is away until the end of next week, so I am doing the first two weeks all by myself this time.  Injections, emotions, tiredness etc etc without his support.  I know he would rather be here with me, but he can't.  And I am scared.

I've gone through so much all ready this year.  It was good for a while to be able to grieve in my own space without him here, but after a while it became difficult to go through it all alone.  My friends have started calling me a "wine vintage widow".  It's been full on for him this season.  I've never seen it like this.  But hopefully all the hard work, the stress and hours on the road will pay off. 

I start this round with Day 2 blood tests tomorrow.  We are testing for the usual FSH, Prog, E2 to see how effective this round might be, but also for HCG just to make sure I'm not pregnant.  Not that is really any chance of that and the start of this period feels normal, not the like the last time when it turned out I was pregnant.

I go to the clinic tomorrow to pick up the drugs and we will sort out the rest of the dates.  I begin taking the puregon tomorrow.  This time, the OB has increased the dosage to 300 in the hope of getting a few more eggs, but not enough that I will get ovarian hyper stimulation - it's all such a fine balance!

Wish me luck!

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Today's photo - one of the fun ones!

The next step toward parenthood

Friday saw us back to the fertility clinic for our OB appointment.  It was the first time we have ever seen a real hopefulness from her!  She has always been very supportive and encouraging and has always maintained our own sense of hope, but she was always conservative in her own beliefs for our success.  My age, history and her own experience of woman in their 40's was the reason for her conservativeness.

Now however, things have changed - both for her and us.  In the last two weeks, she has had success with another woman in my age bracket and she is so excited about it!  That, along with my last two natural pregnancies has given her much cause for hope and she is doing everything she can to try to reach another good outcome!  She is just as eager as we are to find that one, or two!, good embryos.

That gives us even more hope!

While my insulin tests are still in the normal range, they are on the high end.  Always on the cutting edge, our OB has been involved in new research that has shown that high insulin can be a factor in miscarriages.  So, I have been put on a low dosage medication to bring my insulin levels down.  The only problem is that I think I may be suspectible to the one side effect she mentioned - gastro.  Yesterday was my first day on the meds and last night showed an inkling of that side effect.  We will see how things go!!

Everything is in place now for our next ICSI round to begin when I start my next cycle.  Dave hit the road this morning for a two week work trip, so I will have to inject myself for a little while.  If I don't start for another week (which I am guessing will probably be the case), he will be back in plenty of time for his part in the process.  Otherwise he will cut his work trip short, which would be a real pain in the neck for him.  Fingers crossed the timing all works out for the best.

I am looking forward to starting again.  I really am hopeful and, no matter what happens during the round, I love being pro-active in our journey toward parenthood.  I love knowing that we are being treated and monitored toward pregnancy, taking out the random chance that we have lived with for so long.  Bring it on!!

Life has continued to be better for me.  I am still feeling much more energized and my enthusiasm for life is still growing back to its normal state!  I am grateful to be on the healing side of the last two miscarriages.

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So, now for the wedding picture!  I loved this spot and found it through another bride who got married at our venue a few weeks before hand.  The wedding co-ordinator said it was roughly "over there somewhere!!", so a week before our wedding, I went to the national park next to the venue and hunted through until I found this location just a short 5 minute walk away from the gate.

Reenergized

The last two days things have been so much better.  My energy levels have returned and I have been eager to be active and physical.  My body has finally caught up to my headspace.  And I have to thank my amazing naturopath.

I had my appointment on Thursday.  I expected to come back with a stronger antidepressant.  But I didn't test positive for that at all.  Instead, I came out with only one thing.  NeuroCalm for nervous tension and anxiety.  And since I've been taking it, I have felt SO much better.  And after only have one day.

Kelly (naturopath) uses muscle testing to be sure on what it is that my body needs.  She came back into the office with a selection of things.

• In one of my recent blood tests, I had tested high for insulin.  On further testing everything was fine.  But I was still concerned.  She brought in a few different remedies for that issue.
• I told her which antidepressant had worked really well for me in the past.  
• She also brought in the NeuroCalm and and a few other odds and ends she wanted to try.

I was amazed when I tested negative for the antidepressant.  Really?!! How interesting.
I was totally relieved when I didn't need anything related to high insulin.  Kelly said that one of the things that can cause high insulin is stress.  And considering the stress tablets were the only ones I needed, well that just all makes sense.

I decided to also have a body composition analysis.  I had one on our honeymoon cruise which showed a very high water retention level.  I then went on the prescribed herbal remedies and changed a few things in my diet with the focus being on acid vs alkaline foods.  A month later my water retention has reduced by a third.  Great news!

On the other hand, my calculated age from all the other CBA tests was high.  Oh dear!  For some reason, that has turned into a big reality check, has confirmed fears that I have about my physical well being, and has been a cataylst for being able to move beyond compulsive eating.  Don't get me wrong, the CE is still there, but I don't want to be the physical age that the CBA showed.

One of the factors in the test is muscle mass, which for me was low.  With all that has gone on, I haven't done pilates or gone to the gym for a few months.  Fortunately I had already made my appointment for my pilates review and I start today.  That should help as well!

It is such a relief to moving beyond my time of grief and isolation.  I'm moving through my new cycle getting ready to start the next ICSI round and I will come at with greater health.  I am actively seeking things to do that are physically active.  I want to exert myself.  Whether it be gardening, weeding, exercising.  Which means at the same time, I am getting on top of some long awaited jobs!

I am grateful.

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I haven't put up any of our professional wedding photos yet.  So I thought I would finish each post with a photo of our joyful day!

Professional help

A few months ago, I took advantage of the free counselling service they have the fertility clinic.  I needed to talk to a professional about all that had been going on.  The lady was really good and it was so helpful to talk to her.

In the process of my session, the issues of my eating addiction came up.  She recommended another shrink who she believed would really be able to help me.  This lady, Shona, is just amazing.  I've had 7 sessions with her and they have been amazing and intense and really helpful.  But my allocated sessions have run out, so I needed to go and have a review with the doctor to get 4 more assisted sessions.

My doctor has been good with our fertility journey and I told the doctor about the last two miscarriages.  She added a second reason that I still needed counselling - grief. 

I've often talked about the loss I feel, but understanding that there is grief surrounding that loss makes so much sense.  I'd shut down, not able to function, not interested in anything.  All symptoms of grief.  My kinesiologist came up with the fact that I am dealing with a feeling of being let down.  It is good to be able to put some words to the confusing array of feelings that I have been having.

I started back at work today. It was good to have a routine in the day.  It was a good day.

I'm also going to the naturopath on Thursday.  I am taking a naturopathic supplement for depression, but it's low dose and is not really working.  There was another one I used to take that worked much better so I will talk to about that and all the other difficulties I am struggling with right now.  It's time to get back on track.  I've been shut down long enough.

Title change

I'm 44 now.  I was 40 and hopeful when we started this journey.  Hope does still live in me but it is surrounded by a sense of loss and of being let down.

Anyway, a slight change in title seemed appropriate.  4 years ago, I went with New Mum Over 40, because it was a pro-active, positive, put it out there and it will be, way to go.  Now, at 44, it is just misleading.

I'm no New Mum.  A new great aunt, but no new mum.

Today I am finding myself really missing my little nephew.  Craving for him would be a better description.  A full day of babysitting on Friday and a overnighter on Saturday has really brought my maternal needs to the forefront.  I look forward to seeing him this Friday for my weekly babysitting.

I have absolutely no fears about the change in my life that will occur with a new-born baby.  Being with my nephew has shown me how much I want that role.  I've known for years that I've been ready for it, but now I know on a physical level.  On a maternal level.  On an activity level.  I am craving it.

Along with what has happened with me conceiving two cycles in a row, I am hoping that this deep down in my soul maternal feeling, will be a trigger for things finally coming together for us.  This is where my hope lives now.  There are no barriers, no doubts, my body is trying to work, and my soul is committed.  We just have to find that one good embryo.  There is still hope.

A "great" great nephew

8 months ago, my niece gave birth to her first child - a gorgeous baby boy!  He is just an absolute delight!  Not only he is a beautiful baby but he has to be the best and easiest baby ever.  I love him to bits!

Now that his Mum is back at work part-time, I have started babysitting him one day a week. Plus the occasional overnighter.

I can't tell you how much of a delight it is to spend the whole day playing and taking care of him.  It is the role I have been dreaming of for 4 years.  And it feels SO good.  It feels like exactly what I should and want to be doing with my life.  It fits me to a tee!! 

There are moments when I get upset that I don't have one of my own, and that I have to give him back and stop doing the baby routine.  But mostly, it gives me such pleasure!  He has kick started my exercise routine once again because I love taking him for walks in his pram! And I'm sure that spending time with him has also helped me to slowly begin to emerge from the 'funk' I've been in since the last miscarriage.

My niece, of course, knows all about our IVF journey (except for the last two failed pregnancies, those I haven't been able to talk to anyone about except for a small handful of my nearest and dearest).  And she knows how much it means to me to be able to help her in this way. 

So, whether or not we are successful in having our own children, I will always have her children to dote on and be a special person to them.  And the biggest plus of all, is how much closer my niece and I have become since she became pregnant.  It was then that I began sharing with her our difficulties, rejoiced with her for her pregnancy, and we started bonding on a different level.  I am so grateful.

Another brief pregnancy

Following on from conceiving after we got married and not succeeding with that pregnancy, I then proceeded to conceive again the very next cycle - on our honeymoon!  That also would have been a good story - but was also not to be.

This loss was so much harder for so many reasons.  Two in a row.  And also this one went for longer and started with a little bit of hope.

My hormone levels were monitored right from the moment I knew that I had implanted.  The first two tests gave us some hope.  But more importantly this pregnancy FELT different.  I felt as though I had a little life growing in me, I felt a connection, a prescence.  It might sound strange and I don't know what other women have experienced in that regard.  But I felt something completely different to the other two times.

So when we got the third blood test that showed that things were progressing as they should, we were so disappointed.  For another three weeks I was monitored.  The pregnancy kept hobbling along with no real progress, but my hcg levels kept rising just a little bit every time.  However, instead of doubling every 2 days, I would only go up my 20.  By the end of those three weeks, instead of being in the thousands, I was at 180.

And then I started bleeding.  And I shut down.  Even now, I am still struggling, but I'm better.  I lost any interest in anything.  I stayed home, didn't do anything, watched TV.  Every now and then something would grab my attention and I would be so glad to do it.  But for the most part, there was nothing.  Not even any tears.  Just nothing.

I was grateful to be on school holidays and I didn't judge myself for my behaviour.  I just let it all happen and allowed myself to respond in whatever way I needed. 

I bled for a week, then a week later I started bleeding again.  It was old blood that still needed to remove itself.  It was unpleasant.  And has nearly lasted for a week so far.

This loss has hit me hard.  I finally cried about it a few days ago.  Even now, writing this, the tears are welling up.  We were so desperate to start an IVF round in November last year.  To grab those eggs of mine before they got any older.  To be assured of getting a good embryo to transfer.  Now, two natural invalid pregnancies later, we are still waiting and my eggs are getting older.

So this cycle, there will no unprotected sex!!  It helps that Dave is away for most of the month with work!  And we will try for our fourth ICSI round next cycle.

I have had copious amounts of blood taken and am being tested for all sorts of things, including the antiobodies that can cause miscarriage.  So far all the tests have come back healthy, but the antibodies test takes longer to come in.  It could be a few more weeks yet before we now that one.

The positive thing in all of this, is that my body is trying to get pregnant.  We went three and a half years with only one pregnancy in that time and now...  two cycles in a  row, I have conceived.  Something has changed. 

• I think a lot of it has to do with having the polyp removed from my uterine wall last round.  
• It is also the prayers that were being said for an entire month by the monks in Japan which my beautiful friend organised for me on her holidays.  
• It could be the kinesiology sessions I have been having and the counselling sessions that are matching up with the kinesiology in a way that is just a little freaky.  
• I also like to think it's because we are married now.

Whatever the reason, it has given us, and even my doctor, a little more hope that if we can just find the right embryo, things will turn out well.