Back once more.

[I’ve put this post on both my blogs, with just a different last paragraph for each!]

An email from Flower Power Mom, sent me to my blog again today after two months of quiet.  And of course, the timing is interesting.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my hobbies and interests and how I am missing them.  I know this is related a lot to my journey through Marianne Williamson’s book “A Course in Weight Loss”.  There has been a small but noticeable shift away from addictive routines and rituals and this has left me with a bit more time to think about the things I love doing in my life.

Lately, life has just been about surviving.  Getting through the day and then having the necessary time that I have needed lately just to do nothing, to have down time, to eat.  But the last few days I have been feeling unfulfilled and, lets face it, plain boring, by not indulging in all the things I love – bushwalking, photography and blogging – to name the main ones. 

And, aside from my addictive routines, I’ve been wondering how much of this is related to being in a relationship compared to being single.  I seemed to have much more time and headspace to indulge in my interests when I was single.  Not that I would ever want to go back there, not at all.  D is the best thing in my life and I never want to lose what we have together.  I just need to also find the headspace for the other things in my life that make me who I am, as well as having the time that I love for our relationship.

The funny thing is that, aside from blogging, my other two interests are also D’s interests.  Two of the first things that drew us together!  So, why aren’t we continuing to indulge in these loves together?

I know a lot of it, for both of us, is time and the demands of work, particularly for D.  And for me, it is also the desire to simply be with him.  For example, I no longer go walking early in the morning, because I love cuddling up in bed for a while and then eating breakfast together before D rushes off early in the morning for work.  And by then, I need to be getting ready and heading off as well.  And for the last few months, my own addictive problems have prevented me from being able to exercise after work.

A couple of times over the last week, we have gone out for a walk together early in the morning, but it is tough to do that.  We have to wake up extra early.  So, want I need, is to find that place within me again that motivates me to go to the gym on my way home.  Somewhere in me is the old energy that wants to get out and go places and do things – that wants to blog and connect with others over the net – that wants to take beautiful photographs.

At least I am blogging today!

On the plus side, D and I have filled our weekends the last few weeks with renovating our home.  We are painting, building walls, sanding, planning, shopping, looking at home ideas shops and magazines.  It is so very rewarding.  We have redesigned the layout of our home and are getting a new and bigger kitchen.  We are also getting some new furniture and completely new flooring (carpets and wood floors) throughout the whole house.  We have been planning it all for over a year and it is wonderful now to be putting it into action.

Obviously this takes away from some of the time I would usually use for walking and photography, but the renovating has only been the last few weeks, and doesn’t count for the last year or so!

So, here I am, developing new rituals and routines that no longer revolve around eating and I am deeply feeling the things that are missing in my life.  I do feel a sense that they are on their way to returning and I am looking forward to that.

Perhaps that means blogging more regularly.  Hopefully it also means walking through the sand dunes, the nearby conservation park, and the “millions” of stairs that go up and down the coastline.  And taking my camera for it all!

On the fertility side – we have made an appointment with our self-appointed GYN for May (which was the earliest appointment we can get).  I feel a sense of commitment towards that process beginning to grow in me again.  And I think a blog on that particularly issue will be forthcoming!

A beginning

  I made a good start today on the Marianne Williamson book “A Course In Weight Loss”.  I think it will be a good step forward in the right direction for me.

I also downloaded the two radio shows she has done on this so far from Hay House Radio.  I am halfway through the first one.

It is amazing how much she just nails the whole issue.  She really gets it.  And I am going to make a concerted effort to go deep into the process that she takes her readers.

As such, I think it is a topic more suited to my Creating Peaceful Thoughts blog.  That is exactly what it is about – changing my mindset.  So while any progress ont his will hopefully help us conceive, any further entries on this issue I will do over there.

Love and light to you all.

NM over40 (to be!)

xx

Struggling.

It’s time I made an appointment with the private fertility clinic.  But as much as I want a child, I really don’t know that I go through the process of IVF.  For so many reasons as those of you who have gone through it will attest to.  I’m avoiding making the appointment in the hope that this month will be the month.  This time we will conceive.

We are making a more concerted effort again this time around.  But I’m not living up to my end of the bargain.  I’m struggling to exercise and eat well and no matter how I try, my emotions and mind state just won’t let it happen.

And I dread going to a new OB only to have him tell me I have to lose weight.  It’s not like I haven’t wanted to for the last 20 years of my life.  And the last 2 years, in particular, with the thought of conceiving in my head.  It still hasn’t happened on any permanent level.  I don’t want this issue to forestall the treatments that are available to anybody else.  I dread the appointment so much.

I must admit to being in constant state of tears this afternoon.  Any little thing is setting me off.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  How can I get passed this?

I just remembered – I bought Marianne Williamson’s new book “A Course in Weight Loss” a few days ago.  I’m going to go away now and see if that helps at all.  I’m not holding my breath.  But I am desperate.  And if this book can reconnect me with my spirituality as well, then I will be truly blessed.

A Four Month Update.

It’s been 4 months nearly since my last post.  Hard to believe.  An update has been in order for a long time.  My desire to document our journey so that our children can read about it one day, if they wish, is still there. 

But our lack of success and our need to take a break from it all, saw me steer clear of all blogging of any kind.

Now, due to the summer break and some thoughtful emails and comments from some blogger friends, I find myself back here.  Thank you.

There isn’t a lot to report. 

Upon mutual agreement we stopped seeing Queen Naturo and King Acupunc for fertility treatments.  They, and we, felt that what could be done by them, had be done and I was so ready to stop for a while.  Therefore the next step is IVF.

I have a second naturopath I see from time to time who has helped with my hormones greatly over the years.  I went to see her first before deciding to see QN and KA.  So, I went back to her just because I had to try.  I don’t have my hopes up at all and its been nearly three months now.  So, this is telling time.  They always say it takes around three months for the herbs to really make visible changes.  I’m hopeful.  But I’m not holding my breath.

We are both really disappointed that the very thing that brought us together, helps up in so many other ways and that we both believe in wholeheartedly has not helped us to become pregnant.

I finally told my Mum.  She was good about it and while she would prefer that we were married first, she understands our decisions and supports us.  And is actually a bit excited for me, as it turns out!  The most significant discovery however, was that her and Dad went through the same thing, with the same problems. 
Obviously, I always knew that there are many years between my two older brothers and myself and many years between them, but I didn’t give it a lot of thought. 
Mum and Dad went through the same procedures D and I are.  The tests, the questions, all of it – with the same result.  Unexplained infertility.
Which most likely puts it on my side!  And I wonder if Mum had the same problem as I seem to have with a lack of ovulation…

The last three cycles, I have tested for ovulation in THREE ways – basal, saliva and urine testing.  There has been no sign of ovulation with any of them.  You would think that if I was ovulating, ONE of them would indicate it.  I really wish the fertility clinic had just given me the clomid and been done with it.  But they wouldn’t because the blood tests indicated that I was ovulating.

However, our waiting period for the private hospital cover has completed now and we are able to go through the private system picking out our own OB.  We have a name a friend and nurse recommended, and when the time is right, this is the way we will have to go.

However, my mother is still in hospital after having surgery for bowel cancer.  She went in the week before Christmas and hasn’t been able to come home.  While the surgery went well and they believe they have gotten all of the cancer, there have been post-operative complications.  Physically, she is recovering very well.

But she has had a reaction to either anaesthesia or the medication she was given and is suffering from confusion and delusions.  It has been a very traumatic time for her, and for us, and we don’t know how long it will last.  As a result of this, she is also unable to handle the stoma she needed to have in order to allow her bowel to rest and heal. 
Dad doesn’t cope without her. They are both 80 years old.  He suffers from depression and, on one hand is handling it well, and on another hand is a mess.

So, there is no way that I can possibly face going through IVF until my parents are well.  It is hard enough being on holidays and dealing with it all, let alone back at work, supporting my parents and handling IVF treatments.

So, everything is hold for now.

Sick = no conception

D took me to the doctor yesterday.  Turns out I have a bronchial infection, not just a mere cold.  No wonder I have been getting worse instead of better.   But I'm on antibiotics now, so things will start improving.

The disadvantage of course, is that it is highly unlikely that we will conceive this month.  Queen Naturo told us right at the beginning that if I'm sick then the body, in it's fight to clear itself of bad things, will reject any conception as a foreign body.  The doctor also told us the same thing yesterday.

So, this month will be another wipeout.

The positive aspect of this though, is that I will be able to have champagne at our engagement party in two weeks time!!  Woohoo!

We did talk to the doctor again about the fact that we still aren't pregnant and I was surprised to discover that my fertility doctor had sent her a letter with a report on us.  It was interesting to read.  It didn't say anything I didn't already know but it was interesting to read her summary.

I was frustrated to read that she said she had recommended IUI as well as IVF.  She might have recommended it, but she certainly didn't offer it because she told me that her clinic does not do IUI.  I remember this clearly because I wanted to go down that path first before IVF and might even have been willing to give it a go right there and then.  Except they didn't offer it!  I was annoyed by that.  But nevermind, I would rather go with a different clinic and OB anyway.

Our health care waiting period runs out in 2 months.  Then if we still aren't pregnant we can go down that path.  The doctor recommended that we start looking around for a good OB now.  I think she was pleased that will be going down the private path instead of the public system.  While she didn't say it, obviously, I got the feeling she thinks that is a better way to go.

So, it will be on to our friend who is a nurse in the private hospital to ask around and find out who will be the best OB for us to get.  She then might be able to ensure that we can get in with him/her.

And we continue moving forward...

Urine testing

We have had a bit of hiccup this cycle with me being sick right in the middle of my fertile period.  Rather annoying being sick at the best of times, let alone right now!

I've been monitoring my basal temperature for the last couple of weeks.  At this stage there is no indication that I have ovulated yet.  And I am now on Day 18.

D came home this morning from getting me some cold remedies and was very excited.  He found a urine ovulation testing kit for $20 and is excited to give it a go.  I've looked at urine testing before and kept away from it for two reasons - each kit only has 5 tests and with my irregular cycles that it makes it really hard to know when to be testing - and they always cost around $70 for each month.  Far too expensive when the 'when' to test is too unknown.

Yet, here is one for twenty bucks.  And it came with a pregnancy test as well.  We are going to use this one, in conjunction with the basal testing and see if we can get a better idea on my ovulation.  it was so nice to see D so excited about it!

We did the first test before he went to work and it came up negative.  So we will continue for the next 4 days and see what happens both with the urine and the basal.  Should be interesting!

Making room for bubs (and updating!)

 

Hi all!  Sorry I haven't been around much or kept up blogging - both posting and commenting.  There just doesn't seemed to have been time in my head for it!  But I have really appreciated the comments I have received and have enjoyed quick catch ups on your blogs to see how things are going for you.

One of the reasons that there has been no time, is that we have been tackling some major projects around the home - clutter clearing, organising, building, gardening - all outdoor projects which is an area we haven't tackled since D moved in.  See my other blog - Creating Peaceful Thoughts- for all the details!

The clutter clearing and building in particular, held a lot of significance for me in regards to our conception journey, because I saw it as clearing away lots of rubbish in order to make room for bringing a new life into our home and lives.  And the building of a work area in the carport was like adding a new room to our home and saw us becoming more efficient both inside and outside the home with more clutter clearing, organising and creating of space.

The process is continuing with much more still to do.  And each step forward always signifies to me, more space in our lives for bubs to come in.

That was one of the really positive things that has happened and is still happening!

This, plus so many other little signs last cycle though, made me really hopeful about a positive result.  I was sure that we were finally going to conceive.  So, when my new cycle began, I was so upset.  It was the first time I have really truly cried over a new cycle.  And it occurred just as we were about to go away for the weekend and with visitors!  Oh dear.  Somehow, with D's help and support, I managed to get through that little episode secretly with our visitors none the wiser, and a wonderful weekend away!

However, the positive thing in this new cycle is that the length was back down to 30 days.  I haven't had a 30 day cycle since before we started trying a year and a half ago.  It always takes around 3 months for new naturopathic meds to really kick into the system and it has now been that long since Queen Naturo put me on new hormones. 

I truly believe that my system is balanced so much better and more ready to conceive - a 30 day cycle is awesome for me.  A few weeks ago I was all ready to go see my other naturopath for a second opinion (who I haven't seen at all since the journey began), but this has brought my belief back again to the awesome duo that I have my faith in.

It also means that I once again, have such hopes for this cycle.  A blessing and a curse all at once!!

More updates:

**  King Acupunc has become more gungho about getting us pregnant after going to yet another fertility workshop.  He came away equipped with more ideas, more specific points to needle me, and with lots of charts for me to fill in!  I appreciate this passion he has to ensure results and hope it works!

**  Mr. Ayuveda is continuing to help me, this time working with my own feelings and instincts on what is going on for me.  Every now and then I turn up at his door with such a clear image on what is wrong and when it is that strong he is able to get a clearer picture himself on what is needed.

This week was all about helping my soul to find my body.  I have been feeling so strongly that I am living outside of my body, up in my head.  And I think it has been this way for a long time, which is a big reason for my struggles with weight and food addiction.  Before I saw him, I managed for split seconds every now and then to be able to become grounded in myself.  And every time I did, for that split second, the food cravings would disappear completely.

Now, after his session, I am able to ground myself and feel centered for longer periods, which is really helping with healthy eating and feeling more peaceful.  Which in turn, will help us conceive, I'm sure!