Frustration

Today is the first day of my holidays.  I still have the accounting to do, but there is no more music camp or music course and no more school for 10 days.  The last week and a half were a real push.  I was pushing every second to get out of the house and then get through the day.  I am so grateful to be free for a little while.

The last two days of camp were good.  I enjoyed them and I felt my mood lift.  Then I realised that during that time I was starting to feel the pregnancy symptoms that I had before.  Lower abdomen cramping and sneezing.  And I started to think that I may be pregnant again.  Could that have explained my change in mood?

Then I learnt that it isn’t until after implantation that hcg levels begin to rise and pregnancy symptoms start appearing.  Today would only be day 6 after conception, if there is a conception, so it is highly unlikely.  But what are these symptoms I am having?

We had not intended to try again until the next cycle, to allow my body to get back to normal.  But for one afternoon, we felt great.  I was happy and relaxed and being together was wonderful.  We didn’t care about contraception. 

A couple of days earlier, I had wondered if I might have ovulated, but I wasn’t sure.  We both thought – what are the chances?  Not very good considering our history.  One in a billion.  Yet, here I am wondering if I’m pregnant, starting to “feel” pregnant (is it just in my head?) and, before a few hours ago, getting very excited.  Just the idea of being pregnant, feeling these symptoms again, such joy.

But now, I am just feeling depressed.  I saw the doctor today for another reason and talked to her about it.  In a week and a half, I will do a test.  At this stage, there would be no hcg levels.  No symptoms.  God, this waiting really sucks.

I was enjoying and looking forward to a few weeks of not worrying about conception.  Having a few drinks, painting the house, eating ham and soft cheese.  All the things I haven’t been doing!  Now, I don’t want to do that, just in case.

Just in case.  Am I destined for more disappointment in two weeks time?  At a time, that I am meant to be free of pregnancy thoughts for a little while.  It wasn’t intentional.  Just one of those things.  And it was a happy thing.  I wouldn’t take it back at all.  I wouldn’t make a different decision about whether or not to use contraception that glorious afternoon.  It was the right thing.

Well at the very least, I guess this is a step away from the miscarriage.  I just hope it is in the right direction.  Whatever way it works, I will always believe it is part of my journey.  Things happen as they are destined to and I’m tired of trying to understand why.  Just accept and hand it over.

First day of course.

Today was the first day of the flute school and after the morning tea break it was much better.  I don’t know what happened at the beginning, but I found myself teary and sad.  I know that last week I was having trouble getting back into life and perhaps this was the same thing.  This was a different part of my life that I had to “get back into”.  Perhaps it was that.  I don’t know.  But nevertheless, it passed!

Now I am exhausted.  I know that I always say it is much easier being a student than a teacher, but I am beat after today!!  2 hours of driving and a broken sleep could be adding to that too of course!

Anyway, just a quick post.  My piano is being tuned at the moment and it is driving me mad!!  The repetition of sound and the out of tune going into tune tones is sending a tired, musically exhausted brain completely batty!!  I will be glad when it is finished – in another hour.  aaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

A better day.

This morning I woke up feeling normal!  No deep sadness, no anxiety pains.  I didn’t have the overwhelmingly sad dreams that I have been having every night.  Wow.  It feels so different. 

Unfortunately, Dave heads off on Monday for another week away.  This is the time of year that he has to travel.  It is just bad timing for me.  Last time he was away (last week) was when my anxiety kicked in, and that was just 2 nights.  Hopefully I will be fine. 

I have a flute course for the week, so it will be something different and I will be spending the day with colleagues listening to one of the “Gods” of the flute world rather than in a little room on my own teaching my students.  That has got to be better for me!   It is a lot of travel every day as it is in the city and I live in the outer suburbs but today, for the first time, I am looking forward to it. 

Today is my last teaching day for three weeks.  (Aside from one exam student during the holidays).  I am looking forward to my last student!  My three weeks “holidays” though are not holidays.  Next week – flute course.  The week after I am tutoring at music camp.  And the following week I have to get the EOFY accounting done. 

I really could do with a full week off, but I should be able to grab a few days here and there.  And if I go into Dave’s office to do the accounting, not only will I be with him, but I will be more focused and should get it done more quickly.

So, a better day today.  I am grateful.

Handing it over to God.  And Trusting.

A rough road

This last week has been a whirl of panic attacks, anxiety and depression.  I keep looking for a way out but just can’t find the path.  I think there is a large part of my unconscious mind that just doesn’t want to.  When I see a ray of light and possibility, my mind shuts down to it, it doesn’t want to hear it.  However do I deal with that?

I’m in a destructive whirl from which I can’t break free.  Why do I make the choices that I make?  Why do I live from a state of unconsciousness?  I feel like I have no control over my life.  aahh.  click.  That’s because I am meant to be handing over control.  And I need to do this daily.

What I need to do is so simple. 

• Make healthy food choices
• Exercise
• Do a daily devotion to God.

So simple, yet so beyond me.  It makes no sense.

I went to Queen Naturo last week to get some herbal assistance.  I have something for relieve anxiety and to uplift my mood.  She provided me with some wonderful motivational thoughts that lasted for all of about a day and a half.   I can’t live like this.

I have so many work commitments for the next three weeks that are taking over my thoughts and not giving me any time to change my behaviours.  I only took one day off from work after the miscarriage, because I just can’t take more time.  I get one weeks holiday in three weeks.  But I don’t want to have to wait until then to achieve anything.  I need relief now.

I have the day off today with a concert tonight.  But today has seen me go more in a whirl than ever.  A whirl of my destructive behaviours, rather than taking on the things that will help me.  I don’t understand this.

Dave has been waking up very early lately, that probably hasn’t helped.  I need to sleep longer than 5.30 am.  We are also still in the middle of chaos with our house renovations.

Okay, so what to do?  What to do? 

One step at a time.  One step at a time.  And hand it over to God.

Beginning the journey back.

The only physical symptom that I’m having today is complete and utter exhaustion.  I just can’t seem to get back my energy levels.  But apart from that and slightly sore boobs, I’m grateful to be feeling so much better.

I woke up in a good emotional state and that has remained during the day.  I’m struggling with the exhaustion and the emotion of having to keep on keeping on.  But I’m so grateful to be getting better.

I’ve been able to relax this afternoon.  I worked in the morning and will again this evening.  But the afternoon has been all mine and I have chilled in front of a movie with a glass of wine.  Wonderful.

Somehow I will get through my big day tomorrow and then I have a small day on Thursday and the day off on Friday.  In between I do have to write reports.  I keep forgetting about them!!  Shite!  Have to hand them in Friday.  But I can probably do them that morning.  I’m prepared, I just need to get the words down.  It will be fine.

So, what now?  Well, I know it’s time to move on from the miscarriage and begin looking forward again.  Easier said than done.  I’m sure there is still more that I need to work through on an emotional level.  But that is where I feel I need to start directing my attention.  Forward.  To getting my life back on track.  To digging out of the hole and seeing the surface again. 

Mmmm…

It seems a bit impossible right now, but I will get there!!

Thank you everyone for all your wonderful support.  I have been blessed with your love and care.  It’s made a huge difference.  Thank you.

Grateful for the bushwalk!

It was a great morning bushwalking yesterday!  I took it easy which was no problems with the little kids that were with us.  About 30 minutes in, we hit a beautiful patch of nature and I went mad with the camera and my spirits and physical energy lifted.  I feel so renewed.

Later in the day, I began to feel the effects of the exercise.  My body felt good, but I also started to get dizzy and a little nauseous and very tired.  I was so grateful for the walk though, that I didn’t care.  I just curled up in front of the TV and chilled out with D.  And went to bed very early and slept right through.

I woke up with a deep sadness this morning.  Not like the cloud of depression that swamped me on Saturday, but just so sad.  It doesn’t feel directed toward or about anything in particular.  It is just there.  As the day as gone on, it has lifted significantly.  But I suspect it may return again in the morning.  We’ll see.

Physically, I feel fine today.  Some very minor abdomen discomfort, but nothing of great note.  I think I may be nearly healed, physically.  I am grateful for that.

Post miscarriage pains and bushwalking!

I’ve done a lot of internet searching the last few days about miscarriages and have found a lot of information.  But what I haven’t found is any information or anyone’s stories about the type of cramping that they have had.  Aside from the standard “period like” cramps that are to be expected, I’ve also had sharp stabbing pains that are more muscular and today, a new type of pain.  It is higher up in my abdomen and comes and goes like a pulse. 

I did read one ladies comment that the sharp stabbing pain could have been the cervix shrinking back into pre-pregnancy shape, but it was isolated comment and certainly there has been no official explanation anywhere talking about this.  Not even my doctor gave any explanation for it.  But in reverse when I was feeling these pains when I was just pregnant, she did say that it was normal.  Once again, no explanation that it may have been the cervix expanding and once again, I got that thought from a forum.

So, if anyone has any thoughts or experiences or “official” information on this, it would be much appreciated!!

I am feeling much better emotionally today and with the exception of these new abdomen pains, better physically too.

Several weeks ago, we organised a bushwalking trip with friends and that is today.  I’m not sure how I will go, but certainly I will go better today than I would have even yesterday.  I will take it easy and see.  But being out in the bush in the best place for me.  It speaks to my soul and lifts my spirits.  It always makes me so happy!  So, even if I have to hang back or sit and rest while the others go on, surely it’s going to be good for me.  Fingers crossed that that will be the case and it won’t do the opposite and wear me out again!

I will let you know!! 

Bye for now,
love and light,
xxxx